Tacticular Cancer: We'll have your balls

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Ask an ex-con (almost) anything

Discussion in 'Prisonscape' started by PekkaK, May 19, 2014.

  1. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
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    Some of those prison reality shows like Lockup are very realistic. They, however, mostly depict higher security level facilities and do not show federal prisons, so they're not normally reflective of lower security institutes or federal prisons.

    As for non-reality shows/movies, honestly, there's not a lot that gets it right. Orange is the New Black gets a lot of the deeper, emotional elements right, but it's also based in a women's prison and has a lot of inaccuracies about how it works. The uniforms and ID cards are DEAD FUCKING ON though. I actually have a lot of trouble watching it for that reason. It's like how I live near a federal prison (Butner, not the one I went to which was Petersburg) and I often see COs off of work in their BOP uniforms in Wal-Mart and at fast food places and it weirds me the fuck out. I have flash backs lol.

    Anyway, my friend who did time with me and is out now said he finds Orange is the New Black "therapeutic." I don't know about that. I haven't actually made it through even the first season. I do think strikes a unique cord with me, however, because I can relate to the show on a deeper level than most of the population. Because some of the stuff on there... some of the stuff is hilariously dead on point. There's scenes where the main character (Piper) calls her boyfriend on the outside and there's both a connection and disconnection there. She's stuck in this world and is trying to explain it to him but there's no way he can really understand. That struck a powerful cord with me.

    Unfortunately, the show also relies on a number of inaccurate prison cliches like making hooch in the toilet. No one actually does that anymore, especially at a Camp where people sleep in dorm environments and don't have their own toilet. Hooch these days is made in trash bags or, if you can get them, empty jugs that once contained floor/window cleaner (Windex).

    Re: Oz. I didn't watch but a few episodes of Oz before prison. It didn't scare me, mainly because I understood that was maximum security and I wasn't going to that type of prison. A lot of it is BS, but a lot less of it becomes BS in maximum security.

    You don't know how true this statement is... The super out in the open mega gay inmates were having the time of their lives in prison. They basically got to hang out all day long with each other, do no real actual work and fuck their brains out. Some of them got into serious relationships and were in love too. For them, they had each other while they were there so it didn't matter where they were and that made prison like heaven for them. The scariest thing for them was being broken apart when it came time for one of them to go home.
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
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  2. I'm With Her Mustawd for prison Shitty Team Member, ditch at first opportunity Douchebag! Illiterate Sychophantic Noob Village Idiot Weasel Repressed Homosexual Possibly Retarded Trigger Warning Edgy No Fun Allowed Shitposter Cuck Manlet

    Jan 10, 2015
    In all the prison shows i watch (I'm addicted) the really effeminate ones tend to get targeted or cause too many issues, so a lot of them get send to seg a lot. What was it like in your prison?

    I find that whole dynamic fascinating (no homo) because you're basically in a place with zero female contact, so I imagine it does weird shit to your brian after years and years. Penis bums me out, so I think I'd never turn to the dark side of the bumhole, but I can understand dudes who have like life sentences. I don't get the dudes who go all homo with like 3 years and then claim they are no homo. :roll:
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  3. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
    At higher security ones the more effeminate ones and the ones that straight up dress and act like chicks (and some even have tits and have been taking hormone treatments) they can definitely cause problems. They might be targeted or cause issues between other inmates who fight over "her."

    Where I was though, they were treated with respect for the most part and at worst just kinda made fun of, avoided and were a constant source of humor. We had several that had tits and had went through the entire hormone thing. They sounded, acted and dressed like chicks. They even made their own pocket books to carry around and used Koolaid as lipstick. It was crazy what the staff let them get away with. The thing is, even non-gay inmates were attracted to them in the sense that they were the closest thing to women. I had a good friend Joey, the crazy one I mentioned before but not to be confused with Crazy Joe from the Milano stories, and towards the end of my time there he started hanging out with one of the gay inmates who dressed like a chick. It wasn't because he was interested that I know of, it's just that he enjoyed the conversations. He wanted to talk to a chick. I think that's something men just want to do some times: have a woman to listen to them because women process things different and offer compassion and understanding men generally cannot or do not.

    And I guess even though these were really men they were so effeminate it was different.

    It was a strange dynamic for sure and, of course, some had boyfriends on the compound who were just gay men who weren't effeminate.

    There was one on the compound that walked around with these booty shorts he made and literally his nickname was "Bootylicious" because, and I mean no homo, but if there was a girl attacked to that ass I'd say "damn, that's a nice ass!"

    Honestly, I believe there is such a thing as "prison gay" where dudes fuck other dudes in prison and otherwise never would have and never will again. In other words, "gay for the stay." But I also believe that on some kind of "sexuality spectrum" they always leaned more to the gay side than straight men to begin with and prison just unlocked that shit. Once they're out they'll never go back because they can fuck girls, which they overwhelmingly prefer, but for some once the cat is out of the bag they may take that shit home with them.

    In other words, you fuck dudes in prison, you were always a little gay to begin with.

    Anyway, I didn't really associate with any of the flaming/effeminate gay inmates outside my unit. Although some of the less effeminate ones that weren't walking around like trans prostitutes and weren't sucking 20 cocks a night I did consider friends.

    There were also some in my unit that were very effeminate that I befriended because they were basically my neighbors. One was Kickstand, who was Bo-Legged, and was hilarious. His charge? Armed bank robbery, which was fucking hilarious in and of itself. The other was CJ, who was very effeminate and wasn't shy at all. He said inappropriate things all the time thta were really funny but also freaked out and intimidated a lot of new inmates. I saw more than a few young, green white dudes in their 20s who had never done time come in and watch them stammer, stutter and turn red when CJ would talk to them. Some of them even thought CJ was trying them and would get pissed or threaten CJ because they thought it would make them look weak. Thing is, as effeminate as CJ was, CJ was tall and strong as a bull. He could also fight. I saw him whoop two people's asses before. CJ even caught me totally off guard when we first met with blowjob jokes on my first day at Petersburg, but turns out we were actually "homeboys" because we were both from the same area.

    After that, CJ was the "bid," meaning a constant source of entertainment that made time go by... From peering over the cubicle divider eyeing my 73 year old celly's crotch to coming in modeling some booty shorts for us, he was a constant source of entertainment.

    He had a boyfriend, Dirty. Dirty was a nice dude and had a huge crush on one of my celly's for awhile, which was awkward and funny. About three weeks before Dirty went home he even started making some passes at me. He was joking around, saying crazy shit, but if I had taken him seriously I know he would have been down.

    Dirty was also "cut up like a bag of dope." Dude had a physique that was ridiculous. Not one part of him wasn't defined.

    One time he told me the story about how he became gay. He said he was in prison, had only been in about 2 weeks and some dude air kissed towards him and grabbed his dick and showed it to him and Dirty said he was like "why am I turned on!?" LOL.

    Dirty also walked around in nothing but his boxers. I wasn't trying to look, but you couldn't not see that he had a giant python of a cock. People would be like "dude, put that thing away, jesus christ" and he'd just laugh. I'd be proud if that was my cock too.
    Last edited: May 25, 2017
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  4. I'm With Her Mustawd for prison Shitty Team Member, ditch at first opportunity Douchebag! Illiterate Sychophantic Noob Village Idiot Weasel Repressed Homosexual Possibly Retarded Trigger Warning Edgy No Fun Allowed Shitposter Cuck Manlet

    Jan 10, 2015
    Thanks for the run down Garland. Very informative and interesting.

    No, homo.
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  5. Saark Cipher Patron

    Jun 16, 2010
    A Beautifully Desolate Campaign
    There's been a shitload of questions about prison, and probably a lot more to come, but I wanted to take this moment and ask about what happens once you served your time. Would you mind describing how the first couple of days/weeks actually went by? I imagine finding a place to live and employment are some of the more obvious things that get a lot harder once you served time in a federal prison, but there's probably a lot of small things that are very different than before too.

    Also, how exactly does your last day at the prison work? Are there any kinds of "celebrations", do you just walk out the front-gate with some money for a bus-ticket? Are there any institutions, projects or programs that you can contact to help you rehabilitate?
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  6. Make America Great Again Mozg Arcane

    Oct 20, 2015
    I saw an infographic that might have an impact on your prison reform opinions:


    (from http://slatestarcodex.com/2017/05/16/bail-out/)

    I was really arrested (NPI) by the fact that the federal prison system holds very few violent offenders, and I remembered that you were federal. I dunno if you were generalizing the fed population you experienced to all prison and jail, but prima facie it seems like it must be a far less violent typical inmate.

    Also drug possession is a tiny % of inmates (all federal drug is trafficking) and drugs in general are much less than you'd think given the typical narrative.
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  7. Sranchammer Arcane

    Dec 29, 2011
    Former Confederate States of America
    I saw release them and let God sort it all out.
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  8. Drax Arcane

    Apr 6, 2013
    Silver City, Southern Lands
    Nice movie.
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  9. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
    This is a very good question.

    My first couple of days, weeks and couple of months was probably the most scary/confusing, even more so than when I actually went to prison.

    It was so surreal walking out of that gate (there isn't really a "gate," it's literally a glass door). Getting in a car for the first time in years. Eating in a restaurant. Etc. Even before I got out of the prison the COs were already treating me different. It was weird. When I got out of the gate I walked down the side walk towards the parking lot. I could see the Camp next to me, inmates there moving freely with no fence. A CO in a patrol car stopped and waved at me, told me good luck and wished me the best.

    I got in the car with my parents who were there to pick me up after hugging me. I felt sick on the car ride home, not used to the motion. My dog I'd had since I was 16 was in the back and he looked so fucking old. I'd always imagined he jump on me and start licking me when I got out, like he did the morning I went to the courthouse and ultimately started my time. But he was old now and looked at me like I'd been gone no time at all (for the record, I had to put him down last week, which was really hard).

    Leaving prison is like waking up from a coma. That's the closest thing I can describe it to. You see people you haven't seen in years and you think "holy shit they got old what happened!?" forgetting you did too. Another thing for me is when I got locked up the first iPhone had just come out. By the time I got out EVERYONE had a Smart Phone. That shit was weird.

    I tried to order food at a restaurant and I almost froze up. I went to a Wal-Mart (one that did not exist when I went in) within 2 hours of my release to pick up basic things I needed. When I walked through those doors I was so freaked out I thought I'd have an anxiety attack... all the people, the bright lights, the colors, the variety... It was so overwhelming and it took months to get used to. I had dreamed of different things I wanted to eat for years and suddenly now I could eat anything. It was all in front of me. And I couldn't decide what I wanted. I think I walked out with almost nothing food wise. Part of it was also that I felt guilty because my friends couldn't eat these things and I already missed them. I was surrounded but felt so alone.

    My grandmother wanted to see me so we stopped by herself. Her house was comforting in that it was surprisingly the same. She gave me return address labels she had cut off letters I had sent her and I didn't know why until I realized it was an Alzheimer's thing, something she didn't have an issue with before I went to prison.

    While there I used my dad's cell phone to call my PO, who I hadn't met at that point, to let him know I was home. Even though I hadn't met him he'd already done a "home visit" to approve where I was gonna live. You're suppose to "make contact" within 72 hours and it was a Thursday. I didn't know at the time "make contact" just meant give them a call and set up an appointment. I wanted to get that over with. You see, for literally 6 months before my release I had the same reoccurring dream that I got out and didn't make contact with my PO, mostly because I forgot. In the dream I'd remember and I'd be like "OH MY GOD!!" and start freaking out.

    I moved back in with my parents when I first got out to kinda reboot my life. I didn't have anywhere else to go. When I pulled in the drive way there were two dogs I'd only heard about in letters and phone calls. One of them was a Pitbull mix who just sorta showed up one day. She didn't like strangers but for some reason excitedly jumped on me as if she'd been waiting to meet me. I looked around at the hard "where'd that tree come from? Where'd that tree go? Fuck those trees got big" was all I could think. I went inside and my parents showed me the room they had kinda set up for me. The room felt cold and empty and it was way too quite. They kinda left me alone because I told them I was tired and wanted to take a nap. For obvious reasons I hadn't slept well the night before and had been very nervous. My dad left to go back to work. I just sat on the floor. I missed my friends. I felt really alone. Wasn't I suppose to be happy to be out?

    That night I wrote a 18 page letter to my cell mate detailing all my feelings and all that had happened from the moment I last saw him. I needed to get it all out to someone who would understand. I even included a Hardee's napkin which was the first place I ate as if I needed proof, lol.

    The next few days are kinda a blur but what I remember is losing weight because I didn't have an appetite and having intense bathroom issues when I did eat something as I readjusted to food on the outside. This continued for several months and this seems to be a common problem with newly released inmates. I also lost weight because I did a fuck ton of yard work. I didn't know what else to do. I also checked out the Internet for the first time in years... and at first hated it. All the websites were different than I remembered and seemed strange. I didn't understand they were all re-designed to be easy to display on SmartPhones and tablets. I looked through the old files on my laptop and laughed as I remembered them. What was very strange is the laptop had Vista on it and I was literally brand new when I went inside. Now it was a dinosaur, but to me it still seemed brand new. I found myself having trouble navigating websites and Windows and this pissed me off. It was only temporary, however, once I found my barrings.

    I tried to get in touch with old friends... and mostly failed at it.

    Friday came and no call back from the PO. I started to freak out. I called him again from my dad's cell and left a message and my dad took me up the federal building trying to see him before it closed. While we were on the way he called back the home phone and set up an appointment for Monday to see him. I was panicking for nothing. He had actually called and left a message on my parent's new home phone voice mail but my parents didn't even know they had it cause they'd just change their phone package.

    The first weekend was weird. I got it in my mind to take it easy as possible. I didn't have to worry about getting a job, etc. until the coming week. I realized that my probation wouldn't officially start until I saw my PO Monday and knew the rules so I was actually the freest I was gonna be for the next 5 years... but I did nothing with that freedom.

    That Monday I went and met with my PO the first time. I had to go through the metal detectors and check in with the U.S. Marshals when I stepped in the building. I went up, told the lady at the desk behind the bullet proof glass why I was there and she let my PO know I was there. About 10 mins later my PO steps out from a side door, introduces himself, shakes my hand and asks if I had to pee because he needed to to a Urine Analysis (UA). He said one was required for all newly released individuals. I told him I didn't yet and he said we'd just get one on the way out and that's when I noticed the door he had come in from was actually a bathroom with another door connecting the rest of the office area. So we walked back to his office and he explained everything to me. I had to sign so much paper work I felt like I was buying a house. It included the terms of my release, including things I wasn't allow to do. He gave me 6 months of monthly reports to turn in and also a card with an emergency contact number. He explained that it was in the event some sort of serious disaster happens, explaining that it came into effect after Hurricane Katrina.

    Then we went out and he asked if I needed to drink some water first and I told him "yeah." So I drank so much water I felt like I was going to throw up. The thing is, I have a really shy bladder so peeing in front of people is always hard. I only had to do it once my entire time in prison when I was called up for a random UA and the guy actually left me alone in the room it was taking so long. This time I literally has to force my pee out to the point it hurt. I've done in several times since and it's gotten easier, but it still sucks.

    Then I left. My parents had given me a ride up there. We ate at Arby's and I bought a cell phone. The new technology and its cost seemed like too much so I ended up just buying a basic phone with a top out keyboard. I loved that phone. It recently broke and I had to upgrade finally.

    After that I went to Wal-Mart and used their HP printers to print out some 4 x 6 pictures I found on my laptop to send to my cell mate. I had told him about some of the people I had met in my travels but had never had the pictures to show him, now I did. I also used RedBox for the first time to rent some movies I'd been wanting to see.

    Over the next weeks and months I slowly got used to things again and put things together. I saw family I hadn't seen in years. I started looking for a job. Within three weeks with the help of my parents I bought a used car (a 2001 Oldsmobile Alero, which I have since upgraded from). I got my driver's license again. Because mine had long expired I had to retake everything over again. I passed the written test the first time but on the nose. I remember when I wanted to practice for my test so I just drove around the neighborhood and I was surprised how much it was like riding a bike. It all came back to me immediately. I had always imagined it would be weird as hell to drive a car again, but it wasn't at all and I felt empowered. Getting a car increased the feeling that I was actually free times 1000%

    I struggled to find a job for my first year 1/2. I had two temporary jobs that sucked during that time. It's very hard to find a job as a felon. A lot of business have blanket policies against hiring any felon (usually within 10 years of the felony). For this reason, I tried mom and pop business instead but most weren't hiring. I eventually applied for a job in the mail room at Canon and me and the guy that interviewed me hit it off. I was honest with him about what happened (BTW, the U.S. Probation Office requires you to disclose your offense to all employees, which makes it even harder to find employment) and he was understanding. Then he started quizzing me about prison and eventually he explained his nephew had recently gotten in some trouble and was looking at doing time. "He's like you, a good kid that made a mistake" he said. I was thinking I nailed it. I was golden. But three days later he calls and says that because they had a policy against hiring felons he couldn't hire me, but said he'd fight for me because they can make exceptions. A week later he called and said how sorry he was but he wasn't able to convince his superiors to make an exception.

    Around this time I had started thinking about my future and one of the first things I wanted to do, once I got a stable income, was get my own place. I realized I had a TON of stuff I didn't want or need anymore. I had been somewhat materialistic before but after almost 6 years of not only living without all the shit I had but living out of a locker I realized I didn't need it anymore. So found a thrift shop that would allow me to rent a certain amount of floor space to sell things. When I wasn't there they'd sell it for me and that's what I did. I had no idea at the time it would turn into a successful business, but since then it has. Now I have my own thrift shop and does well. I also have a side gig where I do marketing for a barbershop chain. I have my own place now, a better car and some money in the bank. As of today I have just under 2 years remaining on probation.

    First let me say my experience was slightly different than most people who are released because I was released straight home and onto probation, most go to a halfway house first when they're released. Going to a halfway house means you can "leave" prison 6 months - 1 year (this is average, it can be more or less) early and live in a halfway house instead. The idea with the halfway house is that it's suppose to help you "transition" back into society. While there you're suppose to get help finding a job, getting your finances in order, getting an ID/drivers license, etc. Sometimes if you get a car, job, etc. before your time is up they will let you go onto home confinement where you have an ankle bracelet but can live at home and be allowed to go to work and with permission other places (like the doctor or even to a restaurant with family). But this is easily said than done.

    I didn't go to halfway house because I refused. Anyone can do this. You just sign a piece of paper saying you refuse. The reason is that halfway houses by and large fucking suck. First, they're strict and you have to go through constant BS. Second, typically state, federal, etc. inmates all go to the same halfway houses and a lot of those state inmates are allowing, loud fuckers who are vikings and difficult to live with. It's also easy to get caught up in something at the halfway house. Lots of people get in trouble and go back and often something they really had no control over. I know someone who got sent back because his bus was late to pick him up after work so he got back past his curfew.

    The other thing is they're very restrictive of where you can and can't work while in the halfway house. You can only have a job nearby. The halfway house I would have went to was almost 2 hours from where I would be living, so I would have to quit it as soon as I was out. Also, I already had work lined up for when I got out and I wouldn't be allowed to do it while in the halfway house. Of course, this ended up failing through a month before I was released but I still have no regrets about refusing halfway house.

    Anyway, about three days before I went home there was a little celebration between me and my close friends where we ate prison nachos. My birthday was three days before my release date so it also doubled at a birthday party. The day before I left I went out to the yard to say good bye to close people. It's generally considered a "prison rule" not to tell too many people you're leaving because some people, especially enemies, might try to do something before you leave to "jack up your time" or "jack up your date" like jump you or plant something under your pillow, etc. But I wasn't worried about this. I had no enemies and where I was this wasn't really an issue.

    My celly came out on the next move and we ate some ice cream on the bleachers. Then they called an early recall and locked down the compound because apparently some Mexicans got into it in the gym bathroom. I guess they caught them quick because we didn't have to do a "fight check" (where you have to take off your shirt, put your hands in the air, and poke out your lip so the COs can check for signs you've been fighting).

    Once inside I went around the unit and said good bye to other close people, giving an address to them so they could write me. My friend Eyeball came down to see me later. It was funny because normally I watched The Americans that day but I was like "fuck it." Everyone said they would miss me but they were happy for me.

    I didn't sleep well and when I woke up the next morning it was cold. I started getting dressed. I actually wore my prison browns with a white t-shirt and underwear. I had already given away pretty much everything I had owned in prison that could be useful for anyone so I didn't have any better clothes, but that was the plan. I kept my pair of Reebok Classics that I only used for when I went to visits so I'd have a decent pair of shoes to start out with. I knew they'd provide me with "release clothes" on my way out (white polo style shirt, the cheapest pair of jeans you ever seen and a pair of knock off Chuck Taylors if you need them). About a month before you leave you check a box saying you'll need release clothes or you're having someone ship some to you. If you're getting picked up by family like I was you also have to say who that is and what kind of car they'll be driving. It's important to make sure they will be there to pick you up because if not they can't let you just hand around in the parking lot and you need to let make sure the ride is setup like 3 days before because about 48 hours before you're going to be release they make it so you can't place calls or use TRULINKS for e-mails.

    So the day I left I had a laundry bag full of a few things I wanted to take with me. My other important stuff I had shipped out about a week earlier.

    It was about 6:15 am and the CO that was working came into the entry way of my "cell" (cubicle dividers) and asked if I was ready. I said I would be in a few. She nodded and left. I took a deep breath. I gave my celly a hug (no homo), shook my friend Dave's hand and felt a huge rush of emotions. I walked to the CO's office, knocked on the door and told her I was ready to go. On my way out a couple people noticed I was leaving and said their good byes. The CO opened the door for me and I made my way across the yard to R&D, giving a final wave to my celly before I was out gone.

    When I got to R&D the door was locked and no one answered when I knocked. I ended up having to get in by way of the connected mail room and walk down the most dangerous set of stairs you've ever seen. I gave the CO working there my ID card and he wrote some stuff down. He handed me an envelope that contained a copy of my birth certificate and social security card (they want you to send these end so they can give them to you when released so you have some additional forms of ID). They also normally retake and give you a new prison ID to use as a temporary ID, but they didn't do it with me and mine was beat to shit. After that he and the inmate that worked in R&D helped me find release clothes that fit. I was sent behind a door into the entrance to the boiler room, which feels and looks like the entrance to hell, to change. I did so, came out and sat. I waited for about 45 mins. During that time one of the facility inmate crews came in to do repair work. One of them I had played frisbee with so we talked for a second.

    Eventually the CO asked me to go over basic information: my name, inmate number, where I was being released to and social security number. The thing is, the social security number has been wrong on my paper work since prison. He was like "well, if you don't know your social security number, you're not getting out" and I'm drinking "fuck that."

    So eventually he walks me out the backdoor of R&D, radioing in he was doing so. We walked up the side walk that was past the area that is "OUT OF BOUNDS" for inmates (if you cross this area, it is considered an escape attempt). There we met Lt. Palmer, who I knew well from my time. He seemed legitimately happy I was going home. Once again I was asked for my information and I gave it. When he asked for my social I just said "I couldn't remember it I'd been in so long" and that seemed to satisfy him. Then when I told him my release address he apparently had family there and spent his Summers there so we talked about that, then he walked me to the door that staff came in and out of (see the maps I posted previously for this to get a visual). He radioed in and two sliding barred doors opened). I stepped inside and another CO I recognized was in the control booth, where they make all the announcements from. He said "okay young man..." and asked the same questions once again I'd been asked twice but didn't ask for my SSN for some reason. I was led to a small lobby and told to have a seat. I could see the outside. I could see freedom. It was right there through a unlocked swinging glass door.

    But I wasn't about to leave until I was told I was 100% clear, though. So I sat down in some waiting room style chairs. Some inmates from the Camp came in and sat down, waiting to do some repair work in the room. One of them asked me if what I was wearing was the release clothes and I told them it was. Another pointed out my pants had the kind of loop where you stick a hammer. There was another inmate being released with me, but he hadn't walked out the same time as me. A lady that was in charge of our finances/Trust Fund in some capacity came up to us and handed us envelopes. The envelopes contained Chase Bank pre-paid debit cards, complete with our inmate ID pictures (mine is terrible, so that sucked), that contained the remaining balances of what we had in our inmate accounts. I noticed mine had like $60 cash in it and I thought "that's weird" then I realized she had mixed up the envelopes and I was holding the other guy's. So I told her and we switched. While this was happening they were going over some stuff about us both. The other guy was going to have to wait to take the van to the bus stop. He was taking the bus to the halfway house. They said I was being picked up and the CO behind the desk said "yeah they're already out there waiting for him" (meaning my parents).

    Then I just stood there for 10 seconds waiting instruction and the R&D CO that walked me out says "you can go" and I'm just like "oh, ok" and laughed. It was so weird. I was so used to being incarcerated that I was waiting for permission. The lady behind the desk laughed and goes "he was like 'what do I do now?'" And that's when I walked out the door and you know the rest from above.

    Note that my experience was not typical as most go to the halfway house. What usually happens is like with the other guy who was released with me. They give you some petty cash to spend on food, etc. and a bus ticket so you can get to the halfway house. They drive you down in a van to the bus station and drop you off to catch the bus. How much cash they give you depends on how far you have to go. Some people can literally have bus rides that take 3 days, but usually not that long. When you leave for the halfway house, you have a certain amount of time to report there.

    What most people do though is have their family/friend/wife/girlfriend (their "people" pick) them up at the bus station after they get dropped off. That way they can spend time free with their family, get a meal together, fuck, etc. before having to go to the halfway house. This isn't suppose to happen this way, but everyone does it. Occasionally people do have permission to have their people take them to the halfway house (especially if they're in the Camp), but most of the time they're suppose to take the bus. Even if they do have permission a lot of people will say they'll take the bus anyway because if that's the case they have more time to spend with their family since they give you more time to report cause they know buses are slow and make stops.

    For some it can me 4 - 5 hours together. For others it can mean literally 48 - 72 hours. I've heard stories of people going home for a couple nights before reporting to the halfway house. Also the first place a lot of dudes go after getting out is to a hotel to fuck their girlfriend/wife. Sometimes their friends on the outside will literally set them up with a girl to fuck (not necessary a prostitute either). This is another reason why inmates, especially near their release, will try to strike up a relationship with a girl in prison: they want some pussy the day they get out.

    The staff is well aware most people do this and look the other way. However, I have heard stories of dumbasses telling their family on the phone to meet them at the bus stop instead of getting on the bus and fucking up their halfway house time that way. If you want to arrange it, it has to be done in the visiting room or by letter.

    I also know people who did take the bus but had their family meet them at the bus stop so they could eat and spend time together before getting on the bus.

    One of my favorite stories however was a guy who got out and met a girl he'd been talking to at the bus station. They went to a nearby hotel to fuck. He had 2 hours before his bus left and he missed it. It wouldn't be until that night for him to catch another one and he was worried he wouldn't make it. So he convinced a truck driver to let him hitch a ride with him to his halfway house. He gave the trucker his bus money. It was a two day trip and he made it and said on the way they stopped at a strip club and the best steak house he'd ever eaten at, so I guess it worked out. He made it to the halfway house on time.

    Most violent crimes are state crimes so people who commit them don't go to federal prison. Murder, assault, rape... all of these aren't federal crimes unless you commit them on federal property (like a National Park) or somehow crossed state lines while committing your offense (like if you crossed state lines to rape someone you met online or if you kidnapped someone and took them into another state). Granted, they have the ability to make just about any crime federal they want because they can somehow say "interstate commerce" was involved. I mean they can literally say the rope used to tie someone up was manufactured in another state and therefore it's federal because interstate commerce. They do this often with crimes involving guns.

    Also, if you murdered, assaulted, raped, etc. a federal official that would be a federal crime. There are more and more federal crimes being created everyday. Bank robbery is also a federal crime because all banks are FDIC insured. Computer crimes, because the Internet is "interstate commerce," are also almost always federal. But I've even seen them charge someone with a crime where the computer wasn't connected on the Internet because the computer was manufactured in another state. Also, if you've ever committed a felony -- state or federal -- and get caught with a gun than you're going to federal prison.

    But, yes, most federal crimes are drug offenses, then white collar/financial, then sex offenses (mostly non-hands on child porn offenses), then bank robbery.

    So for the most part the federal population is non-violent, but keep in mind a lot of people who have non-violent charges may have violent priors. I did time with a lot of people who were there for drugs who had assault charges as priors. Also keep in mind while the population of violent offenses is definitely lower at Low security facilities (and basically non-existent at Camps since violent offenders aren't allowed at Camps) at higher security facilities the percentage of violent offenders is definitely higher because that's where they're all kept. In Penn's it's the majority of offenders and federal Penns are BAD because most of the people there have MULTIPLE offenses because they have lots of priors. Also, since violent offenders start at Penns and work their way down you're more likely to run into younger violent inmates who just don't give a fuck. By the time they're older and are more mellow they've been moved down to Mediums or even Lows.
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  10. I'm With Her Juan_Carlo for prison Arcane

    Jul 19, 2012
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  11. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
    I haven't listened to this yet, but the topic is a good one. I like how in the preview for the episode they say "Finding a roommate can be tough. Finding someone to share a 4' x 9' space with is a whole 'nother story" because boy is that true. Cellies are also more than just people you live with. Cellies are people who look out for you and have your back regardless. They're people you have to be able to trust completely. They're people you look out for if they need something, always put in the "car" for meals and if they get sent to the SHU you make sure you drop a line to their people to let them know what's up and also secure all their contraband that the CO that packs up their property will toss out so they can get it when they come back.

    Keep in mind these guys are in San Quentin State Prison, so state prison is different than the feds and also this particular prison is a lot rougher than most.

    Interestingly, and I'm not sure how this is being done, but there are current inmates in San Quentin and other California prions who post on Quora.

    Also, if you want a great YouTube channel about prison by an ex-federal inmate I recommend:


    The funny thing about this guy is I think he lives in Virginia and I did my time there. I'm not sure if he did his time at Petersburg, but he does look somewhat familiar. I haven't went through his videos enough to figure out where he did his time, but could be an interesting development.

    Update: Turns out I was wrong, this guy was in state prison in VA. I could have sworn he said he was in the feds in one video though. My bad.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017 at 11:34 PM
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  12. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
    I thought I'd do little tidbits on some random prison topics you might find interesting.

    Prison Meals, Vol. 1

    1. Nachos

    Prison nachos are fucking delicious. They are the best nachos I have ever had. Some of the ingredients, such as the "City Cow" cup cheese that is used in them, cannot be found outside of prison, which sucks. It's just not the same without it.

    Every inmate has a different version of prison nachos. I've seen people put ramen soup and honey in their nachos. But below is the basic ingredients and how-to for the version me and my cellie made.

    Ingredients (serves 3 people)

    Recipe (open)

    -1 Honey Pepper Turkey Log
    -1 One beef summer sausage
    -2 Cup Cheese
    Note: We used City Cow cheese, which is made by Keefe exclusively for prisons. This is the only evidence online that this even exists:
    As a substitute, use any kind of squeeze about processed cheese or one of those jars of tostitos cheese dips they sell in the chip section. It won't be the same, but it works.
    -2 One Pack Chili Beans
    Note: What you see is the exact brand we used. You can also use the Hormel kind out of a can.
    -1 Pack Roast Beef and Gravy
    Note: Brushy Creek actually discontinued the Roast Beef & Gravy but they make this still and you can get it online. This also works. You can also use other roast beef & gravy sold in cans.
    -2 Bags Chips (One Doritos, One Plain Corn)
    The Brand we used in prison was called Cactus Annie, which featured a big breasted Mexican chick on the bag (https://scontent-cdg2-1.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/e15/11380827_717676088354951_58875864_n.jpg). To substitute just use some triangular tortilla chips and nacho cheese Doritos.

    You will also need:

    -About two cups of instant white (or brown, if you prefer) rice.
    -Seasonings (Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Mrs. Dash and some kind of spicy seasoning are recommended)
    -Brown sugar
    -Olive oil
    -Soy sauce
    -1 Green bell pepper
    -1 tomato
    -1 onion
    -Jar of jalapeno slices/wheels
    -One of those big pickles in a bag (or just some full size ones in a jar). I recommend garlic, hot or dill but not sweet or bread and butter.
    -Chili Garlic sauce
    (Extremely easy to obtain)
    -Like 6 - 7 Tupperware containers, two of which need to be on the bigger side
    -A microwave


    The Rice

    1. In one of the large Tupperware bowls pour in your rice. The bowl should be large enough so that there's plenty of room to stir.
    2. Add three table spoons of olive oil and 4 table spoons of soy sauce. Do not add water.
    3. Stir in well and add to microwave. Watch this extremely carefully or it will burn. Pull out of microwave and stir about every 45 secs - 1 min.
    4. The rice will start to sizzle. Break up any clumps that form from the soy sauce when stirring. After about 6 mins of doing this add about 1/4 a cup of water & stir in.
    5. Cook for another 4 - 5 mins like this until rice starts to lose firmness. Add about 3/4 cup of water slowly. You don't want to submerge the rice, you just want to make sure it all gets thoroughly moisturized.
    6. Cook for 10 - 12 more minutes, stirring once every 2 mins until the rice is no longer hard not is still firm. If rice tastes bland add a little more soy sauce.
    7. Once rice is done add about 1/4 a cup diced onions to the top. Cook for 2 mins, then mix in onions and cook for 2 more minutes.
    8. Add a healthy amount of onion powder, garlic powder, Mrs. Dash and the spicy seasoning to the rice and stir in, tasting until satisfied.

    The Meat (Logs)
    1. Cup and dice your turkey log and beef log into small cubes are triangles.
    2. Place all of this in a bowl and add a table spoon full of chili garlic and two tablespoons of brown sugar. Mix together
    3. Cook for about 3 minutes, stirring each minute.

    The Meat (Roast Beef)
    1. Put the contents of your package/can into a bowl.
    2. Wash contents with water to separate the gravy/sauce from the meet and strain the water & gravy from bowl. Basically you just want hunks of meat when you're done.
    3. Break up the meet more with a spoon. Add a slight amount of the same seasonings you used in your rice and also add a spoon full of chili garlic sauce. Cook in microwave 3 - 4 minutes, stirring every minute, until meat is slightly dry but not too dry.

    The Cheese
    1. Add cheese to another Tupperware bowl. If you use a thicker processed cheese from a bottle or tub, you may have to add water and mix in water with cheese until you get a liquid consistency. If you use a cheese dip like tostitos just put into the bowl.
    2. Heat in microwave, stirring every minute. Keep your eye on this as the cheese will burn. If you use tostitos it should heat just a couple minutes. If you use the authentic processed cheese it may take as long as 10 to get a smooth, liquid cheese.

    The Veggies
    1. Dice onion, bell pepper, pickle and tomato into small pieces. You basically want small cubes. Don't get lazy with this. Do it right. You only need about 1/4 a cup of pickle, but will need at least half the onion, all the bell pepper and tomato. But suit to your tastes.
    2. Mix together, sprinkle a little bit of Mrs. Dash on top as you mix.

    1. Put Three Tupperware bowls in front of you, one for each person.
    2. Add the rice equally between the three bowls at the bottom so it covers the bottom of the bowls evenly
    3. Add a layer of chips that is a mix between the tortillas and Doritos. Add some cheese to top. Add another layer of chips then a little more cheese.
    4. Add your chili beans equally between the bowls on top of that.
    5. Add a few more chips on top of that and then the rest of the cheese equally between the bowls. But don't scrap the bowl just yet.
    6. Mix the beef log, turkey log and "roast beef meat" together in one bowl and then distribute it equally among the three bowls for the next layer.
    7. At this point scrap your cheese bowl and dab any extra cheese on top of that.
    8. Cook each bowl in microwave 3 - 5 minutes to heat everything up again.
    9. Once removed, equally divide your veggie mix across the top evenly so that it covers the entire top of the nachos.
    9. Add jalapeno wheels as desired spread across on top of that

    That's it! Your done! Your prison nacho is complete!

    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017 at 11:35 PM
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  13. I'm With Her Mustawd for prison Shitty Team Member, ditch at first opportunity Douchebag! Illiterate Sychophantic Noob Village Idiot Weasel Repressed Homosexual Possibly Retarded Trigger Warning Edgy No Fun Allowed Shitposter Cuck Manlet

    Jan 10, 2015

    Awesome recipe GarlandExCon . Will need to try it out and post the results.

    By the way, can you comment on the prison food from the cafeteria? Is it really that bad compared to what you can get at the canteen? I've been watching some shows and the inmates seem utterly crushed when they're canteen privileges are taken or if something happens to their funds (garnished to pay for civil suit damages for example).
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  14. GarlandExCon Arcane

    May 19, 2014
    Yeah that would be awesome! With pictures! The rice will be the hardest part. Just keep your eye on it and make sure you don't burn it.

    Oh it fucking sucks 90% of the time. That's why we cooked so many microwave meals lol. In prison there were meals I didn't even bother going to the chow hall to get. What sucks is if it was a bad meal, everyone wanted to cook with the microwave, so you had to get in line and basically wait sometimes 2 hours to even start cooking. In jail the food is even worse than prison. It's just so disgusting, like grade D meat. Things that could only ever be served to prisoners. The portions are tiny too. People starve in prison who can't afford canteen/commissary. Some jails just have straight up junk food on their commissaries. I mean, there's very little on a commissary that's healthy are good for you, especially in jail, but some jails don't even have ramen soups (not that those are good for you, at least they're not chips or candy bars). The reason people either gain or lose weight in jail is because either they can't afford commissary, so they starve, or they can and that's all they eat. I lost 15 lbs my first week in prison because I had no commissary access yet (they only do it once a week). They also only ever gave us milk to drink.

    I bounced around several county jails before arriving in prison. Tarboro was the worst. The food was so bad I would look at the tray sometimes and just be like "nope." But it's bad prison etiquette to just toss our your food. You can get your ass beat over it. Remember people are hungry (people even steal other people's trays... this is so common it will almost certainly happen to you and you have to stand up for yourself immediately or it'll never stop). Even if you eat some of your tray but leave something untouched you should ask if anyone wants it before tossing it out. This is true in prison and jail. Some people survive on what others don't want. But remember this important piece of etiquette too: never touch the food you're offering or hand it to them, let them take it off their tray.

    Needless to say, I bought a lot of commissary (which we called canteen there) at Tarboro. The thing is, they had no soups but otherwise their commissary was awesome. My theory is that purposely made the meals suck so people would buy more commissary. Unlike 90% of the commissaries in all prisons/jails, this one was ran by the Sheriff's wife, not Keefe, so it had more unique items and not the same BS. We all gained weight. They also had bottled sodas on the commissary, which was awesome/crazy. You almost never see soda in jail.

    It was so crazy just living on potato chips and those fucking packs of sunflower seeds they sold there. I remember the day canteen was suppose to arrive we'd be so fucking excited. Some COs didn't give it out until fucking 11pm! We'd be yelling down the corridors for them to bring it. When they did they brought it there in these plastic bags and we had to take everything out. They had a list of everything we were suppose to get and we had to sign a paper. Sometimes they'd be out of items so it would show that.

    I didn't gain as much weight as the other people there, mainly because I didn't go crazy. I actually had a bag of canteen hanging from a hook in my cell and this eventually caused a problem because this asshole piece of shit showed up and got jealous and started talking about how I had all this commissary. He acted like he was joking around at first, but I could tell he was really pissed and then he started showing it. He'd be like "man you need to break bread." We nearly came to blows several times, about that and a few issues. Fortunately, no one else liked him either and we were all plotting to jump him and fuck him up to get him out of there. But before that happened one of the COs saw him and another inmate almost get into it so they moved him. We fucking had a celebration that day.

    It's also a matter of perspective as to how bad your food is... when I got shipped to regional jail and got my first meal I thought it was good, but other inmates from another jail said it looked like "dog food." They didn't know how lucky they had it. I spent one day at another jail before that was a stop over and the meals I had was a cheese burger with fries and a side salad and cereal AND french toast... on a Wednesday!!

    But I was taken to prison before lunch.

    One thing I can say about Tarboro though is twice a week they had awesome food for dinner. On Saturday night they served fried chicken every other week. On Sunday night they served fried fish that was supposedly cooked by someone on the outside. It was some of the best fried fish I ever had.

    In Petersburg, the food was miles better than county jail. There was more of it and more variety too. They even had a bar that you could get any amount of what was on there you wanted. Mostly it was salad dressing, butter packets and jelly but sometimes it wasn't.

    You got three hot meals: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lunch was almost the best because most of the staff was there and ate it (although there versions were better). How good it was also depending usually on the CO that was head of the kitchen at the time. We had Saturday & Sunday Brunch which was basically a better breakfast for lunch

    Breakfast included things like cereal, waffles, french toast, pancakes... but most of the time cereal and a "breakfast cake."
    Lunch included fried chicken (usually a couple times a month and some of the best I've ever tasted!), hamburger & fries, chicken salad sandwich, lunch meat & chips, etc.
    Dinner included beef stew, tacos, meatloaf, spaghetti, beef & bean burrito (which was really just beans), etc.

    You always got two pieces of white bread and pretty much you could ask for extra bread and they'd give it to you.

    Usually in a given week out of 21 meals at least 16 would suck. They also pre-planned the meals for the month and gave out a calendar menu. Sometimes they'd switch days and you'd be like "Beef & bean burrito? Fuck that" and someone would come back and tell you they had "fried bird" (fried chicken) and you'd be like "oh fuck!!" haul ass down here before they closed the chow hall.

    One problem was that a lot of the meat was not meat at all and one time someone from the kitchen brought back a box some hamburger meat had come in that said on it "Not Fit for Human Consumption." Yeah...

    I want to talk about the koolaid they served in the chow hall, which was dispensed from a soda fountain and came in flavors like fruit punch, grape, lemonade and orange. This shit was so strong and dark it was scary. It was artificially sweetened was so dark you looked like you were dying Easter eggs.

    It could not be good for you and I stopped drinking it after the grape turned my poop green. If you mixed half your glass with water it was still too concentrated. Word was it dyed your insides and it wouldn't surprise me. There was also a rumor they put something in it to keep you from getting a hard on. Not sure if there's any truth to that, but nothing would stop them either.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017 at 11:41 PM
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