STEP 1: WRITING AN OFFICIAL REVIEW FOR THE CODEX
This is the hardest part of the challenge. After much deliberation, the game chosen for the review is the classic smash-hit blockbuster AAA 5-star slam-dunk jRPG, Final Fantasy IX.
Flexing my creative and penile muscles simultaneously in order to get my creative and penile juices flowing, I sat down with a sophisticated glass of
chardonnay Fanta Orange and got to work. In addition to videogame review sites, I looked to Pitchfork's music reviews for inspiration. They taught me to start with a long rambling and hugely uninteresting anecdote with no relevance to the review.
CODEX REVIEW OF FINAL FANTASY IX, BY LEMMING42
Final Fantasy. To each of us, these words hold a special and unique meaning, and these two simple words are the key to precious memories stored away in the hearts of every gamer.
I still remember when I first played Final Fantasy IX. I was a fairly young child in those days, and my friend had a Labrador - a huge playful thing. Jake was the name of this canine, and for a long time I much preferred his company to that of my fellow man. Many happy hours we spent together, skipping gaily (in a heterosexual way) over the meadows. One night, I arrived at my friend's house alarmed to find Jake missing.
Final Fantasy IX puts an interesting spin on Final Fantasy's famous battle system. More on that in my upcoming review of Final Fantasy X, in which I spend 2,000 words comparing it unfavourably to Final Fantasy IX.
FFIX boasts a large cast of interesting characters. Freya will appeal to young children and anyone who likes anthropomorphic rat people. Zidane will appeal to young children and anyone who likes monkey people. Vivi will appeal to young children and anyone who likes young children.
Overall, despite it's flaws, FFIX is a jRPG classic and fully deserving of my final rating of 8.5/10.
With the review done, meeting and likely surpassing the standards of quality expected in a Codex review, the second part of this segment of the challenge came in making it official. Note, however, the original proposed challenge:
-Write an official review for the Codex, which goes up on Metacritic and similar sites and propels me into a career as a professional video james journalist.
The need for an "official review" is specified, but it need not necessarily be an "official Codex" review. The task, therefore, was to make my review official in any capacity I could.
My good friend the Oxford English Dictionary defines official like so:
Relating to an authority or public body and its activities and responsibilities:
Having the approval or authorization of an authority or public body:
Employed by an authority or public body in a position of authority:
My review would require the approval or authorization of an authority or public body. Because the only person you can trust in this world is yourself, I decided I would need to become an authority or public body.
Let's return to the dictionary:
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/authority
Picking the definition I like best and ignoring all the others completely:
[COUNT NOUN] A person with extensive or specialized knowledge about a subject; an expert:
The solution was clear - I would become an expert. I could then use my newfound authority to bless my own review, making it absolutely official according to the Oxford English Dictionary's definition. Who's going to argue with the Oxford English Dictionary? Only a dead man, that's who.
One psychedelic night of articles and Wikipedia pages later, I am extremely proud to announce that I am an authority on the 1988 Fire Safety Regulations for Furniture and Furnishings. Did you know that those regulations are designed to ensure that upholstery components and composites used for furniture supplied in the UK meet specified ignition resistance levels and are suitably labelled? I know that.
Let it be known that, as an authority, I give my blessing and permission to my FFIX review. It is official, and it is a Codex review, for it was posted here. Step 1 on the road to brofists is complete.
STEP 2: GETTING MY REVIEW ON METACRITIC
This is the hardest part of the challenge.
Feverishly glaring at the clock, waiting for the Metacritic Office opening hours, I sprang to the phone as fast as I could the following morning.
"Hello, you've reached the Metacritic helpline. What can I do for you today?" came the ennui-laden voice of a woman clearly dead on the inside.
"My name is Lemming42 and I'm calling you on behalf of the prestigious videogames publication RPGCodex. I am an authority on the 1988 Fire Safety Regulations for Furniture and Furnishings," quipped I, confident as you please.
"...and... what can I help you with this morning?"
"I would like my review of Final Fantasy IX to be included on your site."
"Final Fantasy IX..."
She paused to type something in on her computer.
"That's... I'm not sure we take new reviews for games that came out 15 years ago."
"Well-"
"I've never heard of this RPGCodex publication either."
"That's... well, it's..."
I dropped the phone in shock when I noticed the cushion across the room was not made of cigarette resistant upholstery composites, in clear violation of the 1988 Fire Safety Regulations for Furniture and Furnishings. Tossing the phone aside and burning the fire hazard to a crisp, I returned to the phone to find the line dead.
It was a setback, but as Hitler always said, persistence is key. I called again the next morning.
"Hello, you've reached the Metac-"
"Yes, yes, 'hello'. It's Lemming42, the authority representing the RPGCodex."
"Oh, yes, from yesterday. I looked up the publication you represent, and the search results I could find were all about transsexuals defecating on people's chests. I apologize, but I don't believe this is the sort of publication we wish to host on our site."
"But-"
"Goodbye sir."
The line went dead. I crumpled to the ground and wept. I felt horrible, like there was a crushing weight on my chest, like a tranny had taken a shit on it. My dreams of getting my brofists back had gone up in flames, much like a non-match resistant cover made of materials not adhering to the 1988 Fire Safety Regulations for Furniture and Furnishings, which lays out clear and objective guidelines for match safety.
As I began walking to the bath to drown myself, I remembered that Metacritic accepts user reviews. One elongated battle with the Captcha system later, my review was up on Metacritic. Condition 2 of the challenge is satisfied. But then-
Cold panic gripped me. A moderation system. What if the squares didn't "get" my review? But thankfully:
Note also that 100% of people who voted on the helpfulness of this review found it helpful, as you can see at the bottom. This means I'm already well on my way to becoming a professional games journalist.
STEP 3: BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL GAMES JOURNALIST
This is the hardest part of the challenge.
Impossible? Nothing's impossible. Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there's footprints on the moon. I shall find a way or make one. When you're going through Hell, keep going. Tell the world, "no, you move". Defeat is a state of mind. Whether you're a lion or a gazelle, when the sun comes up you better start running. If the day should ever come when we must go, if some day we are compelled to leave the scene of history, we will slam the door so hard that the universe will shake and mankind will stand back in stupefaction.
What makes a professional games journalist? Understanding this was key to becoming one myself. To learn their ways, I obsessively stalked the Twitter feeds of a number of prominent games journalists.
As far as I can see, the only requirement for becoming a professional games journalist is announcing that you are one to anybody who will listen. The word "freelance" is a good term to use, for nobody can actually prove that you've never successfully sold an article or review. Alternatively, they can't be bothered, but either way this was the most promising route for me. This does, in the UK, of course require you to register as self-employed.
After destroying my life completely by calling up Inland Revenue to register as self-employed for tax purposes, I was well on my way to being a professional freelance journalist. But a freelance journalist without a Twitter is like a mattress without a display label confirming that it conforms to the 1988 Fire Safety Regulations for Furniture and Furnishings.
I looked around on how you get one of the Twitter things. I paid a kindly man the last of my life savings that hadn't been taken from me by Inland Revenue as self-employed taxes and he promised me that he would get me a Twitter in no time. As I lay destitute and dying in the gutter as my home was repossessed, I wondered if I had been "taken", as they say. Sure enough, it turns out you can actually get a Twitter account for free, no strings attached. I was there, baby.
https://twitter.com/CoolLemming
With a suitable Bio to inform people about my skills as a professional freelance gaming journalist and a good games-related topical "tweet", I felt I was already pretty much there.
Within moments of my arrival on Twitter, I was making waves. Clearly the Right People were interested.
I sat back smugly, comfortable in the knowledge of three things.
1. I am a professional freelance gaming journalist with an official review hosted on RPGCodex.
2. All my furniture and furnishings are match-proof.
3. There's nothing left for Inland Revenue to take. I'm writing this in an internet cafe, covered in filth, not all of it my own.
The challenge - "Write an official review for the Codex, which goes up on Metacritic and similar sites and propels me into a career as a professional video james journalist" - is complete. It's time to give the brofisting ability back to the victims of heavy-handed moderation. The official pardon and day in our honour can come later, just the brofist thing will be fine for now.
