A horse of course
Guest
Each year, the games industry is rocked by a number of major trade conventions, where eagerly-awaited exclusive AAA titles are unveiled and the all the big names hawk their wares to excited fans and journalists. Gamescom is not one of these. Invariably hosted by Europe's most boring country, the event is plagued by middling and irrelevent publishers specializing in niche genres like RPGs and tactical wargames, whose wheezing manchild fanbase forego events like E3 out of fear they might encounter women or minorities. For those of us who aren't pimple-faced anoraks, there is the prospect of more important titles showcasing detailed gameplay footage that would be too mundane for a major convention.
Here's some of the potential content for this year:
TIER 1 PUBLISHERS
Microsoft, Sony and Activision won't be making a big splash at such a third-rate event, but in Microsoft's case they will be demoing Gears of War 4, Forza Horizon 3, Halo Wars 2, ReCore and Sea of Thieves, whilst Sony will be pushing their dreadful VR headset with shovelware like Batman: Arkham VR, Battlezone, EVE Valkyrie, Bound VR and other assorted garbage. Activision, meanwhile, will be showing more footage from the sci-fi-themed Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare, which has proved unpopular with its target demographic due to the lack of muslim civilians to murder.
Blizzard will be timing their live stream to begin at around 5:30 BST on the 16th. There will almost certainly be footage of World of Warcraft: Legion and Overwatch, but rumours of Starcraft HD reveal are also swirling around like shitty water draining down a public toilet in Düsseldorf - https://gamescom.blizzard.com/en-gb/
Electronic Arts' show begins at 6:15 BST on the same day, with promise of sports games (who cares), some Star Wars reveals, plus Battlefield One and Titanfall 2 footage - https://live.ea.com/
Also on August 16th, notorious has-beens Bungie Software will be making an announcement relating to their upcoming Destiny expansion, Rise of Iron, at 6:30 BST - https://www.twitch.tv/bungie
Crapcom have apparently whispered to the castrati gaming press that Resident Evil 7 will have a proper unveiling at some point during Gamescom, though details are sketchy.
Ubisoft, a publisher of worthless tripe kept afloat solely by handouts from state governments to hold on to local business, will be showcasing South Park: The Fractured But Whole, Tom's Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands by Tom Clancy, not to mention Star Trek: Bridge Crew, and Eagle Flight, which might be interesting were they not VR crap. There will also be a behind the scenes look at Michael Fassbender's ass in Assassin's Creed Jaesun IDtenT J_C and other shit games nobody is interested in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-XfD1rCuC4
TOTAL FUCKING LOSERS
Failed businessman Brian "The Knife" Fargo and the motley crew of talentless, overpaid neo-nazis at InXile are in maximum damage control mode after a jewish partisan leaked that a console port of Torment: Tides of Numenera will be shown at GamesCom. Having confirmed beyond any reasonable doubt that the game will be another dismal failure for the company - currently haemorrhaging funds and blacklisted by every reputable publisher in the industry - the leak spurred publisher Techland (allegedly run by Polish sex-traffickers) to clamp down on press access.
Much like cockroaches, Paradox Interactive have always made a point of turning up in Cologne. There should be a highlights stream live at - https://www.twitch.tv/paradoxinteractive/profile
Julian Gollop, who famously stole credit for creating the original UFO: Enemy Unknown from his taller, smarter brother Nick, is promising a detailed look at Snapshot Games' upcoming "World-based Strategy" Phoenix Point.
Harvey Smith, notable by way of Deus Ex: Invisible War for beating Warren Spector to the punch in proving that Deus Ex devs are overrated hacks, will likely reveal more of Arkane Studios' Dishonoured 2, at least if their dom Zenimax permits them to.
Mount and Blade II: Bannerlord will do its best to pretend to be interesting, even though it has the same ridiculous combat system as Mount and Blade 1, which only lunatics and idiots enjoyed.
Scam Citizen was recently rocked by the revelation that Chris Roberts' much hotter wife, Sandi Gardner, will be demurring from social media appearances due to continuing harassment from certain unnamed figures (Derek Smart and Something Awful). As a poor consolation prize, from August 17th, gameplay footage will be streamed at https://www.twitch.tv/starcitizen
LINKS
On the official Gamescom youtube channel, you can watch two effeminate teutons blabber incomprehensibly as they fantasize about their wives having sex with Syrian refugees:
I will consider updating this thread as more details become available, but only if the Codex administration (who officially endorse everything I've said in this thread) are nice to me in shoutbox.
Here's some of the potential content for this year:
TIER 1 PUBLISHERS
Microsoft, Sony and Activision won't be making a big splash at such a third-rate event, but in Microsoft's case they will be demoing Gears of War 4, Forza Horizon 3, Halo Wars 2, ReCore and Sea of Thieves, whilst Sony will be pushing their dreadful VR headset with shovelware like Batman: Arkham VR, Battlezone, EVE Valkyrie, Bound VR and other assorted garbage. Activision, meanwhile, will be showing more footage from the sci-fi-themed Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare, which has proved unpopular with its target demographic due to the lack of muslim civilians to murder.
Blizzard will be timing their live stream to begin at around 5:30 BST on the 16th. There will almost certainly be footage of World of Warcraft: Legion and Overwatch, but rumours of Starcraft HD reveal are also swirling around like shitty water draining down a public toilet in Düsseldorf - https://gamescom.blizzard.com/en-gb/
Electronic Arts' show begins at 6:15 BST on the same day, with promise of sports games (who cares), some Star Wars reveals, plus Battlefield One and Titanfall 2 footage - https://live.ea.com/
Also on August 16th, notorious has-beens Bungie Software will be making an announcement relating to their upcoming Destiny expansion, Rise of Iron, at 6:30 BST - https://www.twitch.tv/bungie
Crapcom have apparently whispered to the castrati gaming press that Resident Evil 7 will have a proper unveiling at some point during Gamescom, though details are sketchy.
Ubisoft, a publisher of worthless tripe kept afloat solely by handouts from state governments to hold on to local business, will be showcasing South Park: The Fractured But Whole, Tom's Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands by Tom Clancy, not to mention Star Trek: Bridge Crew, and Eagle Flight, which might be interesting were they not VR crap. There will also be a behind the scenes look at Michael Fassbender's ass in Assassin's Creed Jaesun IDtenT J_C and other shit games nobody is interested in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-XfD1rCuC4
TOTAL FUCKING LOSERS
Failed businessman Brian "The Knife" Fargo and the motley crew of talentless, overpaid neo-nazis at InXile are in maximum damage control mode after a jewish partisan leaked that a console port of Torment: Tides of Numenera will be shown at GamesCom. Having confirmed beyond any reasonable doubt that the game will be another dismal failure for the company - currently haemorrhaging funds and blacklisted by every reputable publisher in the industry - the leak spurred publisher Techland (allegedly run by Polish sex-traffickers) to clamp down on press access.
Much like cockroaches, Paradox Interactive have always made a point of turning up in Cologne. There should be a highlights stream live at - https://www.twitch.tv/paradoxinteractive/profile
Julian Gollop, who famously stole credit for creating the original UFO: Enemy Unknown from his taller, smarter brother Nick, is promising a detailed look at Snapshot Games' upcoming "World-based Strategy" Phoenix Point.
Harvey Smith, notable by way of Deus Ex: Invisible War for beating Warren Spector to the punch in proving that Deus Ex devs are overrated hacks, will likely reveal more of Arkane Studios' Dishonoured 2, at least if their dom Zenimax permits them to.
Mount and Blade II: Bannerlord will do its best to pretend to be interesting, even though it has the same ridiculous combat system as Mount and Blade 1, which only lunatics and idiots enjoyed.
Scam Citizen was recently rocked by the revelation that Chris Roberts' much hotter wife, Sandi Gardner, will be demurring from social media appearances due to continuing harassment from certain unnamed figures (Derek Smart and Something Awful). As a poor consolation prize, from August 17th, gameplay footage will be streamed at https://www.twitch.tv/starcitizen
LINKS
On the official Gamescom youtube channel, you can watch two effeminate teutons blabber incomprehensibly as they fantasize about their wives having sex with Syrian refugees:
I will consider updating this thread as more details become available, but only if the Codex administration (who officially endorse everything I've said in this thread) are nice to me in shoutbox.
