Completed Let's play: GROM (Finished!)

[The_scorpion]

moar bumps?

 

[Darth Roxor]

Well shit, guess I have to update now, huh

Spoiler

Time to haul arse to Upshi and get ourselves a powerful magician

MEANWHILE...

Not this shit again

...

A dozen stabs later,

We are back on the road

Time to sell all the fat loot on the yak

305 geld. Of course we'll negotiate

Derp

FFFFFUUUUUU PICKED THE WRONG CARD, WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE BEGGAR

Hurp

dedurp

well, that's -36. Could have been worse... I guess.

This guy is selling shitloads of mauser ammo. We better buy all of it 'cause it's rather scarce, and the pistol chews it up superfast.

300? What an outrageous price! Time to negotiate

FFFFUUUUUUUUU

Note to self: never negotiate when buying again. That's because you are the first to pick the diplomacy cards, and the AI fucking cheats

DERP

Okay, now for the last o-

AAAAAAAAAARGH

Just paid an additional 50% for the fucking ammo. Petr is a horrible, horrible tradesman : x

Verdammt, this guy looks like a wizard, let's bug him a bit

Mmmmmm...

I'm surely disturbing you...

Hmmmm.... yes? What's the matter?

I'm looking for a sorcerer Are you a wizard?

The gods must be directing your steps! I am a sorcerer!

I'm looking for a powerful sorcerer...

My services are cheap!

How much do you want?

It depends on what I am to do.

I'm looking for a way to the hidden fortress of Khyapa Laring and I need a guide.

Khyapa Laring!

DUN DUN DUN *thunder strikes the air*

Is it too much for you?

That's a lot of money! I can give you half now, and half when the job is finished.

No way!

As you wish.

I don't like something here. Such a powerful sorcerer degrades himself to bargain for money...

Yeah, bugger off, pal. I just lost 190 gold while trying to barter, no way I'm giving you a penny.

You are right. I don't think I want your help. Goodbye!

Another powerful magus!

Welcome!

Who are you welcoming... and where?

Mmmmm...

Am I disturbing you?

Hm.... yes? What's the matter?

Not this shit again

I'm looking for a sorcerer...

Well, you've found one

Are you available for hire?

Thanks, but that's not what I need you to do for me

Then I'm listening. What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a guide who can find the hidden fortress of Khyapa Laring.

I like how Grom just goes around telling everyone about hidden fortresses and stuff

This is a difficult and dangerous task. Maybe I can help, but there is a risk.

What is this, India or Israel?

I don't want to part with my precious jewel given to me by the lizard overlords!

You said it is of great value...

I suppose getting rid of a macguffin is a better option than giving 300 gold to some shady hobo.

All right, if you help me, I'll give it to you. Though this is a beautiful jewel...

It's important to be able to give up beautiful things in the name of higher goals. Let's go...

Think it over.

Oh give me a break! Did I say anything when you put your nose into that brawl with the Germans?

As a matter of fact, you did

No, you were too busy hiding

If you need something from me, take it now. I'll set off in just a while and take the yak with me.

All right, wait a while...

We strip the Pepik of all his belongings, which isn't much except for the mauser and some blunderbuss ammo, and send him on his merry way.

Time to depart...

where?

There! We need to pick up Hans and Margaret.

Fucking lizard overlords turned hostile again.

And without more dudes to shoop them (Dakpa is fucking pathetic, the wizzard is no better) it's actually not that easy.

When they are down, we head to the chorten that used to stash the $$$$

There is no trace of a fight. This has nothing to do with the Klu.

So what could it be?

[intelligence] Maybe they were not completely on our side after all.

[wisdom] They set off to look for the lost city on their own?

The valley of thousand looks?

Yeah. Let's go!

It is time to find the secret fortress of Blucher! Khyapa Laring! *horses neigh*

BUT SUDDENLY...

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Stab stab

Stab stab

Back on the rocky road to Dublin.

We arrive and are greeted by this weird fellow

Give us a break, friend, we just want to talk to your boss.

I can't let you pass.

But...

There's nothing more to discuss!!! That is all.

Well, the place looks charming, but there's nothing we can do here. So... let's pester the guard a bit.

You must be really bored of standing here and guarding this place.

Oh yes, I have been standing here for about 45 years now. But patience makes my mind stronger.

I guess they told you it is a privilege to stand here. You sure you can't take a break and maybe just sit down?

Interesting.

So, should I kill him?

No! You can't do such things, he's just doing his job.

It was a joke

These guards protect sacred places for decades at a time. They have no replacements. You must see how tiring this job is.

Pay some attention to him. You can probably get him to tell you some things.

If he hasn't seen anybody for decades, he'll probably have a lot to say. This could take some time.

I think there's no other choice.

Do you often have visitors here?

Oh yes! I drive away visitors all the time. Monks, wanderers, merchants. I have no time to rest, that is the fate of the guard. Time for you to leave, you are disturbing me.

Can you help us get to the Cave of Thousand Looks?

I can do nothing. Foreigners are forbidden to enter the caves. Go away!

Well then, here we are. The guard mentioned that his third, most precious dream, can be fulfilled only by a wizzard.

We have a wizzard at least, that's a start.

He also keeps mentioning how he has no time to rest. Could it mean that...

His wish is to lie down?

The way is open.

We can now enter the elevator and look for answers in the Caves of Thousand Looks... but not in this update

 

[Gondolin]

Bargaining fail.

 

[Menckenstein]

Is the bargaining broken or what?

 

[Darth Roxor]

Of course it isn't. It's the best bargaining mechanic in the history of gaming

 

[Storyfag]

Wonderfully absurd game. Keep it up

 

[Brother None]

Take it out of all context...

...

So gay.

 

[anus_pounder]

Better luck next time, assuming theres one more merchant ahead...

 

[Darth Roxor]

Time to bring some incline back into Codex Weeabooground

Spoiler

Last time we left Gromosław and friends... yeah what the hell DID happen when I left this LP?

Grom and Dakpa have just hired a powerful wizard that will let them access the hidden fortress of the daemon prince Khyapa Laring. The last thing they need is the blessing of Krishna's Thought, who can supposedly be found in the caves below the elevator here.

... and this is where the mofo stuff begins.

Apparently, my quick save got corrupted, so I couldn't record what happens right after going down the elevator. Fortunately, an autosave was there, but it was right after a conversation that I apparently didn't record when I left this LP.

An artist's impression of the conversation that took place after taking the elevator:

Some strange bum approaches Grom

YOYOYO DAWG, THIS WIZZARD OF YOURS AIN'T GOOD

Wut?

HOW DARE YOU, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL

YES, LET US SEE WHO IS THE STRONGEST

Which places Grom in another stupid minigame, not unlike the one we had to go through at the Oracle, if you remember it.

Basically, the wizards have started a duel to see who is the best pilot of high-tech, super modern remote-controlled Hindu fighter jets

So yeah, mash right/left click to turn, collect funky flames.

Fucking.

Exciting.

Weeeee!

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

More collecting.

The joy.

Hitting those floating rocks (perfectly typical in India) makes you bounce away in 180 degrees.

make it stop

Yes!

He wishes wisdom to you because it doesn't want to come to him anymore. Oh Buddha, how can you cast your eyes on this feeble excuse of a man and stay calm?

Be careful...

Take it easy. I choose... Kundga!

There isn't even any choice here. And hope you don't mind me not checking out what failing the fighter jet exercise with the allied wizard does because the minigame is tiresome as hell.

The other wizard stands in a corner, butthurt.

How am I supposed to find Krishna's Thought in this maze of caves?

Calm your mind and think. Ask yourself the question: "Who is Krishna's Thought?" What does he mean for the monks living here? What does he mean for newcomers? Where should such a person find his place? Remember that his love for all suffering creatures is limitless. He is ready to give the best cave to the one who needs it most.

Do you know anything about Krishna's Thought?

His thought takes on material shape to help those who seek the truth.

Which basically translates to yelling into caves at random.

Holy shit, talk about a lucky pick.

Forgive me, oh great wise man, I wouldn't disturb you, but horrible things are happening in this country, and we are in need of your help.

Stopping the dangerous people who want to discover the greatest secret of our land and conquer the whole world is admirable. I will help you. I can show you the headquarters of the prince of demons. The prince of demons lives in the great tomb of the king Hanuman, the great hero of this world. He was the king of apes, whose actions surprised the gods.

And here comes another mofo thing. I forgot that taking pix via the print screen button makes dialogues disappear on screenshots sometimes. Which means we just lost 4 different dialogue boxes. But iirc it was something like

SO YOU KNOW, GO CALL THE ELEVATOR, ASK FOR HELP, PLAY COOL MUSIX AND CRUSH THE DEMONS. Go now, keep your eyes wide open.

With that, Krishna's Thought disappears. Searching the other caves is pointless, as there's nothing there.

That was the secret password given by Krishna's Thought.

Cool.

Cool!

It's a beautiful ancient craft. The horns get set in motion by means of bellows. No problem.

Then show me 'cause I don't know how to do it.

Do not worry, it's really not a problem. It's quite easy.

Ok, so rhythmic crouching makes the horns play. Got it.

This looks mofo.

But something is happening, alright.

By the gods! It's the...

FORTRESS OF THE MHD!!

Start what exactly?

o_O

Well, the wizard's summoned another hovercraft.

Oh goddammit.

The whole place is infested with fire demon turrets that keep throwing nasty fireballs at the fighter jet. Trying to kill them is pretty pointless

Instead, you gotta get to the middle and keep orbitting

While doing your best to avoid the fucking fireballs

BECAUSE THERE SURE IS A FUCKTON OF THEM

Fortunately, the fighter jet finally starts landing (and not a moment too soon, 2-3 more fireballs and it would be done for)

Grom and Dakpa walk into some sort of a teleport.

Wut

I am the protector of this tomb and I will tell you about your world's time of splendor.

Well, he sure talks a lot.

If you are here, it means you have the permission of this world's sacred men. Be at home here. It is quiet and calm here so don't disturb the peace. To go to the next room, you must find a lamp that makes visible things hidden before the human eye [that's some mofo syntax]

Somehow, I doubt all those bladed demons here are quiet and calm...

 

[lightbane]

Yay, the insanity is back!

 

[Darth Roxor]

Seems not many previous readers of this are still around or sth

 

[JoKa]

but it's nice to have it back where it belongs anyway!

 

[The_scorpion]

awesomeness


'cept for the minigames

 

[Brother None]

Oh hey, Grom is back! Awesome! Moar!

 

[Twinkle]

Moar GROM pl0x111

 

[Darth Roxor]

one of the daemons gets close...

Spoiler

And apparently it wants a hug

HOLY SHIT RAPE TRAIN

and of course you can't run away without killing all of them.

Which might be rather tricky given that bullets aren't doing much to them and they regen hp kind of fast.

Dakpa gets bumrushed.

Grom tries some good old grenade spam

But the enemy hordes are relentless

fuck

Rewind! Let's try to keep them busy with the mauser while Dakpa shoots some blunderbuss goodness.

well that didn't work

Grom gets subsequently raped and we reload again

fuck this, let's go balls deep with swording and knifing

interestingly enough, it's actually working.

And soon, the area is clear.

As you can see, there's a lot of doors leading out of this room.

Each door leads to an almost identical-looking chamber. The tablets inside are the only things that differ.

As you can deduce from the central contraption, each door has a symbol assigned to it. The symbol in the centre keeps changing. You pretty much gotta follow the changing symbol to get out.

First, we follow it into this room.

We knife a demon and snatch the lamp placed in front of the tablet.

Then, following the changing central symbol again, we run into this room, where a secret door appears

Another history lesson

This place is full of flying daemons. And they are total motherfuckers.

They hit harder and faster than the guardians of the diamond word found earlier, which means you can't stunlock them with sword/knife combo. Gotta improvise.

Fortunately, they have much less HP, which means the previously used tactic of 'keep busy with mauser, blast with blunderboss' is working well.

Motherfuckers are still tough tho

Only three remain before we can move on.

Dakpa's taking a break

Fortunately, I have so much mauser ammo I can run around the place shooting the daemons all day.

The last one finally falls

And the bros heal up with a chakrum

There's no puzzle to this place. Just find the only door that can be opened -> get out.

Let's see what's on the other side.

oops, wrong door

 

[Brother None]

HOOMAN SACRIFICE?!?!

 

[The_scorpion]

tastefully done, i s'ppose?

 

[Darth Roxor]

Last time, Grom and Dakpa were strolling around an ANCIENT FLYING MHD FORTRESS, and came upon a sacrificial room of sorts.

Spoiler

:O

Well, that's re-assuring, huh

I don't want your throne, but I'll surely kick you out of it

I'm not talking about you, poor human. Your life is worth as much as yak dung. It will dry up and the wind will blow it away. The heir to the throne is your friend. Shining Peak of Goodness.

o_O

That's your real name?

Now you know why I only use the name Dakpa.

You're right, the real one is a little pretentious.

You've come to take my throne?

I came to free Kim, to take your throne and kick you to the land of the damned

Kick out?

I'm learning.

You've got ambitious plans for such small and poor creatures. I give you one last chance to escape so that you can achieve at least one goal. There is a throne in the next room. You take it and get away from here.

Get away?

He's learning.

Your time has passed. You had the opportunity to save your life, but now the Great Prince of Demons will show you your true destiny. I'm even more powerful now than in the times when I killed your father. Defend yourself, little creature.

Our good friend Padmasambhava gave us a few little trinkets. This fight could be interesting.

*Gasp* Dorje stiletto!

Now it's too late to beg for mercy.

Both of you will die!

Khyapa Laring transforms into an archdaemon of bad lingerie.

AND HE'S THROWING MUTHAFUKIN FIREBALLS OF DOOM

Dakpa goes down. Shooting Laring is pointless 'cause he's protected by arcane shields.

However, those stilettos are lying around the room (why are they there instead of in your inventory is anyone's guess)

Let's gather a couple and try to kill the faggot. Three should be plenty according to ZE PROPHECY, but you can never know.

Unfortunately, Grom eats a fireball, after which he eats another one while trying to use a medkit

This time we make Dakpa target practice for the daemon while Grom runs around collecting blehds.

WTF

ok getting close to this wanker is also out of the question.

Dakpa runs around pointlessly some more while Grom patches up.

Throwing a stiletto causes Khyapa Laring to lose like 1/3 hp.

And another one.

And the third makes him go dooooooooooown!

Visceral!

My love, so many nights I have cried while waiting for you. I prayed for you to come but you were only in my dreams.

The gods listened to your prayers. I'm with you and nothing threatens you now.

Take me from here. Let's leave this cruel world that doesn't want us to be together

You've got beautiful plans for the future. But I think we should get out of here as fast as possible.

What happened? Why do my sensors show the presence of evil in the Room of Cosmic Creation? Circuit 4512! Circuit 4512! Over!

This cannot be! Circuit 1110-1, give me the present situation.

Acolytes, we're leaving!

THE TEMPLE OF DOOM IS FALLING APART

While you might not see it here, there's a swirling pillar of yellow energy here

Much more visible here.

NOT AGAIN

Fortunately all it takes now is flying out of the map.

soundtrack: The Wrath of God

What happened? You are hurt!

That's p. brutal

We'll take care of you from here.

Then farewell, my friend. And thank you.

................

From here you're on your own, Grom.

Do you think you could mention me during the gathering? You know, that I'm your pal and it's not a good idea to attack me?

If I manage to set some sort of order, then my friends will become your friends. Farewell, Grom.

Don't worry about me. Just don't get into trouble.

I'll try.

And here we are, alone again. And our mission is far from over. The evil daemon prince might have been cast back into the warp, but that doesn't take care of the nazis.

They will know fear

 

[lightbane]

So, Grom was a friend of a literal daemonic prince. And yet he doesn't seem to mind at all about the fact.

 

[Darth Roxor]

So, Grom was a friend of a literal daemonic prince. And yet he doesn't seem to mind at all about the fact.

That's just how awesome he is

 

[Brother None]

Huh, I thought it'd be over at that, but oh yeah, nazis.

But but...Grom can't be asked to do all that all alone.

 

[Darth Roxor]

Gromosław has just blown up the flying daemon fortress, now he'll proceed to blow up some serious nazi ass

Spoiler

Our destination is absolute

No one's coming out. Are you sure I'm in the right game?

!

Grom takes cover

And spies on the kommando using a secret entrance into the mountain!

Wait what

That's good! What can you want in this place?

I suggest you don't disturb me.

What a brave man you are. Maybe we could swap some information?

Maybe you should stop talking.

And maybe you should defend yourself :renegade interrupt:

Quiet! Somebody's coming!

On the ground.

Another commando, alright

And of course, he spots the Mongol's fat ass. Sigh.

Slice'n'dice.

Just who the hell is this guy anyway. Good question. He's pretty much like Dakpa, though, completely useless with firearms other than stuff like blunderbuss. Where is Hans Dietrich when you need him

Another commando approaching.

This time we ain't getting spotted.

The careless German left the way open. Let us infiltrate!

You're absolutely right. When we want to get rid of them, we call that war. God have mercy on those who are at the dumping place at the time.

Don't exaggerate. It only seems to you that you're so powerful.

Fucking hippie

Well, well, we'll see how you can deal with our trash.

I'll destroy it and then forget about it.

Looks like a lab, alright

Steel majors. This could get ugly. Fortunately, they haven't spotted us.

We stumble into a cowardly guy, cowering in a metal office box.

Easy. Make no sudden movements and you should be fine. Get us away from here.

Where do you want to go? The exit is right over where you came from.

We want to go into the heart of the fortress

This is suicide! If there are only two of you, you have no chances of survival at all.

Don't worry about us, we'll make it. Show us the entrance.

No stranger can enter the fortress. The door is protected by a password which is known only to Von Kutz.

So take us to Von Kutz.

They'll kill me if they see me with you.

Would you rather them kill you, or us?

(to himself) You're stupid, Franz, you always get yourself tangled in some brawl.

What did you say?

Ehm, nothing, let's go.

The guy just walks off.

Our d00dz follow him to a door he opens.

The door by the majors opens as well, for some reason.

Sup

Herr professor, that's not why I'm here. You have... visitors.

Visitors! Someone from Berlin! Someone finally appreciates my inventions. Where are they?

They are here with me.

Welcome, gentlemen. Ah... you don't look like people from the general staff.

We are from another staff

Yes, I understand. A camouflage. Please make yourselves at home. I'll finish what I'm working on in just a moment, then we can talk.

We've got orders to get to the command centre of the fortress.

So quick? I thought we could talk about my inventions. I've got so much to tell you.

No thanks, we must continue on our mission.

What a pity. How can I help you then?

Please tell us the password to the door.

Of course. "The world is a dark place" "Great is the power of mind".

Thank you very much. If we come back this way, we'll drop in on you for tea.

You won't go anywhere. The password is not enough to open the door. You'll need my voice.

Clever. Would you like to lend us your voice?

But Herr Professor...

That's all.

What you can see here is my realm. I've got everything i need for my work. Especially peace and quiet.

Cool.

If you want, I can show you the room where I put all the flying vehicles that are built in my realm.

Of course! We'd love to see them.

Let me know when you'd like to visit the rest of the rooms.

Follow me, please.

There is a door on the right that he opens.

But there's another one here. Let's see what it does

Soldiers. Lots of 'em.

Getting into their view is a bad idea.

Very bad, even.

This place is like swarming with them and all our dudes are down. Herp

Rewind

Trying to approach prone doesn't give much either because the fat asses are spotted anyway.

Grom knifes down as many as he can before going down, the mongol will try to hit 'em with a blunderbuss from behind cover (POPAMOLE)

Grom goes up in a rather unfortunate moment.

And goes down again... for some reason he didn't die, which is strange. Still, all the germans get sliced.

And we heal up. Nothing worth noting can be found here for now, except for some loot off the infantrymen.

Impressive.

You're the first team from Berlin that has seen all of this. I'm proud of my achievements (UNLOCKED). Please feel free to touch anything. Just don't press the red buttons.

How did you build the base in such short time?

Have you any assistants or do you oversee everything yourself?

We're impressed by your achievements.

Can we go back to the laboratory?

Of course.

Lots of funky shit in this place. Jet planes, ICBMs, rockets.

Some consoles as well, but they can't be used

In the room we liberated from ZE GERMANS we can now find a tape recorder.

We must just be careful with this. We can't allow him to notice what we're doing.

Good thinking, boss.

This, btw, is totally gay. You gotta approach von Kutz with the recorder and get the password

Of course. Here it is: "Great is the power of mind".

All right, I've got it...

and this happens

Guards, get in here! Spies!

Which causes all hell to break loose. And you can't do anything about it, despite the previous 'we should be careful'. I tried everything.

Trying to listen in from the other side

From other places on the platform, prone, crouched, standing, with different characters, nothing. Dropping the recorder doesn't work either. Unless the option to evade the subsequent buttrape is so very cleverly hidden it would take a mastermind to figure it out.

The steel majors from the entry hall come in. And they have a couple of steel spiders the professor was talking about with them.

Trying to take them out headfirst is, of course, suicidal since they can turn both characters into minced meat with their chainguns.

Taking cover out here and abusing dumb ai with hit'n'run is a much more effective strategy.

Although one slight mistake means you're going down. The majors also are tough as hell, which means the mauser rifle p much only stings them a bit. The blunderbuss is MUCH better, but it requires getting close which sucks.

Commence snipe manoeuvre, commando!

The blunderbuss also reloads SUPERSLOW which means the steel major can easily reach you.

GG mongolian raider, Grom tries to flank all the shit with the pistol.

I've got a best pesticide right 'ere

Now Grom will attempt to dispose of the major

But he takes much damage trying and has to heal up

And he gets shot down again

Then the Mongol goes up on the platform, eats some burst fire and dies.

Rewind

Let's try something similar

But this time disposing of the spiders first

That's done.

After that we killed the major on the platform, and proceeded to the other one who was dumb enough to stay behind.

Mongolian dudebro almost dodged the hail of bullets.

And it was up to Grom to shoop the villain.

When a steel major is guarding a lab, with an intent to bust our balls, I shoot the major. That's my policy.

Now that we have Von Kutz's voice with the password, we can move on deeper into the fortress.

 

[lightbane]

Nazi mad scientists are the best ones.

 

[Brother None]

A SECRET NAZI LAB!!

That voice recording stuff is a little dumb. Oh well. It's impossible to totally avoid combat in GROM