Vault Dweller said:If you can do better, change it.psycojester said:Nice portrait god awful descriptive text
Not bad. Can you make it shorter? I underlined words/phrases that are unnecessary:Timur said:Vault Dweller said:If you can do better, change it.psycojester said:Nice portrait god awful descriptive text
Fuck it, I'll take a go.
A permeant grin etched across his face, Neleos, a swarthy little man, is always jovial regardless of the circumstances and is well liked in Teron because of this seemingly inherent trait. Most pedestrians are shocked when they discover that he is an assassin for hire, and more so after they’re informed that he’s the defacto guild leader. (it's a small town - everyone knows who he is). As the image of Neleos giving a victim a warm embrace while he plunges a dirk into the small of the target's back (too poetic) upsets many a civilian's delicate sensibilities, most prefer to think of him as more of an hands-off administrator for the guild as opposed to a cold-blooded killer. When questioned about his role, as he is constantly, Neleos only shrugs and replies with his trademark smile.
The new death lines are quick "sketches" at best, aimed to capture the right atmosphere and tone, and get some feedback. Out of curiosity, what exactly you didn't like and why. Your criticism helps me greatly, so don't be shy.Fryjar said:...some of your newly created pieces (like the new death scenes for instance) are not quite on par and show some minor grammatical errors. Thus, I wonder if they would slip this way into your game.
Vault Dweller said:Not bad. Can you make it shorter? I underlined words/phrases that are unnecessary:Timur said:Vault Dweller said:If you can do better, change it.psycojester said:Nice portrait god awful descriptive text
Fuck it, I'll take a go.
A permeant grin etched across his face, Neleos, a swarthy little man, is always jovial regardless of the circumstances and is well liked in Teron because of this seeminglyinherent trait. Most pedestrians are shocked when they discover that he is an assassin for hire, and more so after they’re informed that he’s the defacto guild leader. (it's a small town - everyone knows who he is). As the image of Neleos giving a victim a warm embrace while he plunges a dirk into the small of the target's back (too poetic) upsets many a civilian's delicate sensibilities, most prefer to think of him as more of an hands-off administrator for the guild as opposed to a cold-blooded killer. When questioned about his role, as he is constantly, Neleos only shrugs and replies with his trademark smile.
Which is in no way a disadvantage in itself. Yours often seem to be wordy/complex for the sake of it - which is undesirable.Timur said:...(and the sentences themselves are rather simplistic)...
Vault Dweller said:Another portrait:
Neleos, the guildmaster of the assassins guild.
Neleos' smile seemed to be a permanent feature of his face. He was always in a good mood, even when things didn't go his way, and he was well liked in Teron despite his line of work. Few people thought of him as an assassin, and the general consensus was that Neleos was more of an administrator of the guild, rather than someone who killed for a living. Neleos was well aware of those rumors, but he made no efforts to either confirm or deny them.
Opinions?
I don't agree. I'd say this is exactly the time to move away from a comma-or-nothing approach.MisterStone said:The only tiny correction I would make is remove a comma in this sentence (the one after "guild":
- Few people thought of him as an assassin, and the general consensus was that Neleos was more of an administrator of the guild rather than someone who killed for a living.
galsiah said:Naturally it could hardly matter less, but...
I don't agree. I'd say this is exactly the time to move away from a comma-or-nothing approach.MisterStone said:The only tiny correction I would make is remove a comma in this sentence (the one after "guild":
- Few people thought of him as an assassin, and the general consensus was that Neleos was more of an administrator of the guild rather than someone who killed for a living.
I'd go with:
- Few people thought of him as an assassin: the general consensus was that Neleos was [more of] an administrator of the guild [, rather] than someone who killed for a living. [choose one]
MisterStone said:Yeah, yours is better.
I think a good rule of thumb is try to use commas as little as possible.
Vault Dweller said:Another portrait:
Neleos, the guildmaster of the assassins guild.
Neleos' smile seemed to be a permanent feature of his face. He was always in a good mood, even when things didn't go his way, and he was well liked in Teron despite his line of work. Few people thought of him as an assassin, and the general consensus was that Neleos was more of an administrator of the guild, rather than someone who killed for a living. Neleos was well aware of those rumors, but he made no efforts to either confirm or deny them.
Inspired by:
Opinions?