The Dos and Don'ts of Helping a Friend Come Out
It's all about being an ally.
by Krystin Arneson
Photo: Getty Images; Art: Ashley Minette
Your
high school and
college years are all about figuring yourself out—not an easy task by any means. And for those who don't identify as straight and make the decision to tell their friends and family, it's one more step in the growing-up process. Teen Vogue spoke to girls and guys across the spectrum for the best advice on how to be there.
Do understand that coming out is a process.
Brenna Kiser came out to her mom and her friends when she was 18. "I just couldn't hide or lie any more. Being in the closet is lonely, confusing, and frustrating," she says. "Deciding to come out, though, can be very scary, and I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if my parents would be OK with it, or if people would be mean or hateful to me. It's stepping into the unknown."
As 21-year-old Arabelle Sicardi explains, although coming out is usually portrayed as one big event, it's actually something that has to be repeated a number of times with different people—and each time involves anticipation over how they're going to react. "It's not like something you do just once and then it's all fine," Justin Whaley, 23, adds. "First you have to come out to yourself, which is the hardest thing to do. And then you come out to whoever else you decide to after that. I came out to my friends first. The first time feels so freeing, but it's a repeated process you have to keep doing and doing and doing. It gets easier, obviously, but it's just annoying."
One way to show your support is to offer to help your friend rehearse their "coming out spiel," says 24-year-old Mitch Hankins. Justin had a friend with him when he mailed a coming out note to his parents: "Having her there when I dropped the letter in the mailbox really helped because one, it gave me a full grasp of how important the situation was, and two, it made me do it. I could easily have just chickened out."
The coming out process can even necessitate evolving identities and changing labels. Mitch came out to his parents at 18 when he was Michelle and identified as a lesbian. Six years later, he realized he was transgender. "Sometimes you come out with different labels over time, because sexuality is a process like that," echoes Arabelle. "I first came out as bisexual in high school, after being questioned in middle school as to whether or not I was lesbian. Then I declared myself pansexual. Then lesbian again. Then queer."
Don't put pressure on your friend.
"Nobody was pressuring me into coming out, which was really good," explains Justin. "I have met people who are like, 'Just come out already' though—you have to let everyone do it on their own terms." Brenna told her mom she was a lesbian by writing it on a napkin in a restaurant. Mitch came out twice: He told his family in-person he was a lesbian when he was 18. When he came out as transgender, he wrote a script for himself and called his family who lived out-of-state.
It's also (obviously) important you don't out your friend yourself. "Right after I came out, I was so mad because one of my friends at the time told a couple of our other close friends," says Justin. "Granted, I'm sure they already knew, but the fact that she did that to me really, really hurt. That was something I needed to do—something I wanted to do—and these people were important to me. I felt like it almost invalidated my coming out since it was from a second source."
Do realize that not everyone is as accepting as you are.
"The world is a tough place for a young LGBTQ teen," says Brenna. "Even if you as a straight person think that people won't care, it doesn't seem like that to someone who's in the closet. LGBTQ people are still discriminated against, fear physical violence, have to listen to demeaning comments, worry about keeping jobs—they worry about their future. When I was younger, I couldn't picture living as a gay adult. I didn't know if it was possible to be successful, happy, and out because I didn't have those role models available to me until I was older. Things are getting better now, but we still have a long way to go to make the world feel safe and accepting—not just tolerant—of LGBTQ people. Keeping all of that in mind, when your friend comes out, all of their worries and fears are very real. Be there to listen, defend, support, and find resources for them."
Part of that support means you shouldn't question their decision either. Remember that your friend has spent countless hours thinking about, and in many cases, really struggling with, their identity. "People need to understand that realizing you are—and coming out as—transgender is an enormous life decision that isn't taken lightly," says Mitch. "The individual coming out has most likely weighed all the pros and cons, done endless amounts of research, wrestled with this for an incredibly long time, and understands the risks and the fact that it's going to be a long road and a huge undertaking."
Don't de-individualize your friend with your reaction.
"I know people mean well when they say, 'I love gay people!' but I hate that I'm lumped into this huge category with those who are often nothing like me," says Brenna. "How am I supposed to respond? 'I love straight people?' It's a nice gesture, but it ultimately strips me of my identity as an individual and also makes it sound like the gay community is a genre you can choose to like or dislike, like punk music or Chinese food."
Instead, be casual. "I think the best reactions you can get are when people say, 'I'm really glad you felt comfortable telling me. You're still awesome. Do you want to talk?'" Brenna continues. "This makes it clear that the person cares and is there to listen, but ultimately realizes that this is someone they care about who hasn't actually changed. They've just decided to open up about who they are." And if you're not comfortable with what your friend tells you at first? Play it cool. "If you need to take a little time to process it, that's OK, but be as kind and calm as possible. If you're freaking out, think about how your friend must feel. Your reaction will only make him or her feel worse."
After Brenna told one of her good friends she was dating a girl, "he told me that I changed his mind about gay people and that he realized it was something that didn't matter. He said he could see how happy my girlfriend at the time made me, and that's all that mattered. Being young and still new to coming out, that was one of the coolest responses I got."
Do fully embrace—not just accept—their identity.
When Mitch came out as transgender, one friend in particular really stood out: "The thing that this individual did the most for me was seeing me for who I really am. She never faltered—never even blinked an eye. She fully embraced this new stage in my life by immediately switching over to using my preferred pronouns and name and became my number-one advocate and supporter. There's a difference between 'being OK with it' and fully embracing the change. One is a passive acknowledgement and the other is taking an active role in helping someone redefine themselves and start living as their authentic self."
You shouldn't be afraid to stick up for your friend if they're bullied or harassed, but you also need to let your friend speak for themselves. It's tempting to answer questions about someone else, says Mitch, but it's often better to redirect curious people to your friend. "Remember that it's their story to tell," he says, "so if someone wants more information, gently suggest that they speak to the individual instead of trying to take on that responsibility yourself."
Don't be insensitive, even if you're trying to help.
"When I came out to one of my friends, she immediately tried to set me up with people she knew just because they were gay," Justin says. "I was like, 'This is cool and all, but I don't think I'm going to get along with any of these people.'"
Saying things like "you could pass as straight" or "you don't act gay" aren't helpful either. "What I get frequently is people telling me that I'm not gay, that I don't look or act gay," Brenna says. "I've had both straight and gay people tell me this. I hate that it implies that gay people have to be a certain way, which is clearly not the case!"
Other things you definitely shouldn't say? Anything that discounts your friend's identity. For Mitch, this meant refusing to use the proper pronouns, calling him by his old, female name, and posing hurtful questions. "When people would imply or ask why it wasn't just 'enough' to be a 'really masculine lesbian'—that was the hardest," he says. "It made me feel as if they were completely invalidating everything I had just told them about being transgender and what it meant to me."
We know, that was a whole lot of info, but when it comes down to it, the very best thing you can do is continue being the amazing friend you've always been. As Mitch explains, "Be there for them. Encourage them. Keep letting them know that they're making the right decision to be true to who they really are, that you're going to stand by them no matter what, and that they can do this."
