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The RPG Scrollbars: Richard Cobbett's weekly RPG column

Crooked Bee

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Now that PC Gamer has let him go, Richard Cobbett (aka, imho, the only decent adventure game & RPG journalist) has a new weekly RPG column over at RPS, yay. Here's his first article, on length in RPGs:

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2015/04/06/the-rpg-scrollbars-how-long-is-too-long/

The RPG Scrollbars: How Long Is Too Long?

Please welcome Richard Cobbett to our roster of weekly columnists. Every Monday at 1pm, Richard will be donning his +8 cap of writing to present a ragbag of news and reflections on role-playing games.

It’s been a great year for epic, old-school RPGs. A good tax-year anyway, since that conveniently scopes in everything from Divinity: Original Sin to Wasteland 2 to the other week’s Pillars of Eternity, to say nothing of several smaller titles. As we all know, part of the joy of a good RPG is slipping into a world – when everything works out, the long playtime feels like an epic journey rather than a commitment. Or at least it should. In the wake of The Witcher 3 promising 200 hours or so to see everything it’s got though, I’ve been thinking – at what point do the scales start to tip?


Now, to be fair this is at least in part because when these games’ originators came out, I was in a very different position. As a kid/teenager/delete as appropriate, new games didn’t come along very often, and value for money was key. With this round, I was reviewing most of them (typically over at neighbouring Eurogamer). That meant having to condense the whole games into just a few days, pounding and pounding away at them to see as much as possible and condense the experience into about 1000-2000 words. No matter how good a game is, it’s hard to approach a deadline with a game that’s still happily throwing in plot-twists instead of a final boss, blearily look at a clock about to tick 4AM, and not on some deep inward level find yourself screaming “END! END! EEEEEEND!”

In general though, people seem to find it increasingly hard these days to settle in for the kind of experiences of old. Instead, the games that really reward that tend to be the ones played in short sessions over long periods of time – the Dotas, the Minecrafts, the Spelunkies, where the addiction creeps up on you rather than presenting itself up front. With an epic RPG, the challenge isn’t simply beating up whatever threat is conquering some country that probably has too many vowels in its name, but remaining invested while outside distractions come thick and fast – new games, new seasons of Game of Thrones, boring work and variably boring social commitments. It’s so much easier to put aside an hour here and there, even if that hour ends up being two or three in practice, than straight-up putting aside 50 hours in a month to fully enjoy your latest adventure.


rpg_Wit2.jpg


The result is that it’s hard to imagine most people – and I’m not talking about the hardcore RPG community here, but the wider market of people who enjoy these games – getting close to finishing them. Check the Steam Achievements for Divinity: Original Sin for instance and you’ll see that 56.5% of Steam players get the first achievement, relatively early on in the game, while just 5.4% have collected the coveted Lipsticked Lady of Game Completion. As ever, these aren’t an exact science – achievements often don’t trigger, players will have bought it and not played it, or quit after creating a character or similar, but still, they’re usually interesting reading.

Don’t mistake this as an argument against length. An RPG that doesn’t feel like it’s presenting a world, or a universe in the case of the science fiction ones, really isn’t doing its job. In a game like Skyrim, part of the joy is knowing that you’re never, ever going to see everything it has to offer – that you can stride out in any direction and find adventure. In Dragon Age Inquisition, while mechanically it’s simpler than I’d have liked, the story of the rise of the Inquisition wouldn’t have worked if it took less time than watching the intro of Might and Magic X. No, wait. Bad example. Some intro that isn’t seventeen freaking hours long and still fails to actually set up the story properly.

In the case of a linear RPG though, I’m finding that really large numbers are often a turn-off. It’s one thing to fire up a game that you know you’re going to love, like The Witcher 3 is currently looking set to be. When it’s a new world though, with unfamiliar mechanics, a team without solid credentials and a mass of new lore to learn, I tend to get a bit irritable. If you want 50 hours of my time, then you had better goddamn prove yourself worthy of them early on. An RPG for instance that begins with that hoary old intro “Chapter 1: Get To The Town Where The Game Actually Starts” has a pretty good chance of being dropkicked back into the internet pretty quickly. One that starts with reams of bullshit lore instead of actual story – and there is a difference – is one that I find hard to assume will suddenly realise it needs trivial things like character motivation and pacing and drama.

(Developers! Do you want to make me despair of your game from the very first frame? I’ll share the secret. Your intro should begin in a tower, with a dusty old tome with your logo on it opening, while some ponderous narrator spends ten minutes explaining what I can sum up in exactly two words: “Dragons exist.” For the love of Christ, play classic RPGs like Ultima VI to see how an RPG can start – drama! Excitement! Mystery! Danger! Focus! Brevity! There is plenty of time to explain why your elves are totally unlike everyone else’s elves later on. Much, much later. Quietly.)

rpg_Wit3.jpg


Rating in terms of hours also tends to, perhaps unfairly, make me question the content of those hours. Now, I’m not accusing Witcher 3 of this, not least because the ‘200 hours’ being splashed around was the reply to a Twitter question about doing everything in its open world rather than a straight-up “Buy our game, it’s huge!” affair. In general though, the larger a number, the more I start thinking of filler. Assassin’s Creed style ‘collect 500 things, because… they’re there.’ Dungeons that exist to pad out the running time with generic textures and packs of inexplicable monsters. Final Fantasy games, their middle acts especially in service of player time expectations rather than the needs of the story, which since and including Final Fantasy VII would always have been greatly improved by being sliced to ribbons with a machete. If there’s an exciting hour-based number, it comes after the game comes out – people choosing to put over 200 hours into, say, Skyrim as a mark of how much it gave them, rather than a promise of how much it theoretically might.

rpg_Wit5.jpg


So with that being said, a question! How many hours play do you like to get from your first play of an RPG? I’m not thinking in terms of how much a company has to promise, but what you consider a worthy purchase that you’re still likely to actually get from it without being called away or distracted or simply burned out on the mechanics? A hundred hours? Fifty? Twenty? Months of play?

For me, these days, I find that around 20 hours in I’m usually looking forward to the ending and to be ‘free’ from the main quest, with itchy feet really kicking in at the 30 hour mark. There are exceptions of course, and that doesn’t mean I won’t go back after the main quest for challenges like Pillars of Eternity’s Eternal Paths, picking up fun sidequests, completing DLC or other things. I find it liberating though to know that I can walk away at any point without having wasted the time already invested – that even if the ending sucked, I saw it, and can mark down another world as saved.

That being said, I suspect I’ll be spending a good more time than that with The Witcher 3 when it comes out, and absolutely can’t wait. If you’re still concerned about the promised hours though, for better or worse, fear not. I called my people and they provided me with this complete chart of how long most people are expected to take finishing the game. No, it’s okay. All part of the service.

witchercomp4.png
 

JarlFrank

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Not a bad article, I agree with most of his points. I hate it when a game tries to shove down its super unique lore that is just a variation of generic fantasy world #9432758 down your throat before you even get to start playing, I hate filler dungeons with trash encounters that serve no purpose other than making the game longer (hello there, overly drawn out deep roads!), I hate when large parts of the game just feel like they're supposed to stretch it out because they serve no point in the story and aren't fun, they just exist to be there so the devs can write "100 hours!!!" on the box.

I disagree with having to reserve 60 hours at once for completing an RPG, you can play it over multiple months during your free weekends in sessions of a few hours each weekend, and you'll have fun with it for a long time.
 

CryptRat

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I disagree with many things he says.

I want some parts that are disconnected with the story.
I prefer to spend much more than 30 hours on a game if it's good.
They are many RPGs that can be played in small sessions (most of them if you take some notes).
I want my games to begin differently from each others (considering his examples, i wouldn't even know what is good and what is not).
 

Crooked Bee

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I also prefer longer RPGs myself, even if I can enjoy a short one too. It's a completely different feeling when an RPG exhausts you; I find it satisfying. :P

I disagree with having to reserve 60 hours at once for completing an RPG, you can play it over multiple months during your free weekends in sessions of a few hours each weekend, and you'll have fun with it for a long time.

Unless I'm misreading, I don't see him claim that, though:

It’s so much easier to put aside an hour here and there, even if that hour ends up being two or three in practice, than straight-up putting aside 50 hours in a month to fully enjoy your latest adventure.
 

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I also prefer longer RPGs myself, even if I can enjoy a short one too. It's a completely different feeling when an RPG exhausts you; I find it satisfying. :P

Does that mesh well with your preference for first person grid-based crawley RPGs? I've found that they become sort of...claustrophobia-inducing after a while. "Okay, enough, I want out of here and back to the real world!"
 

felipepepe

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IMHO it's never about lenght, but about filler content. I can be 30 minutes or 50 hours in, the moment I notice the developers are just stalling it starts to really bother me.

TOME suffers from this. It's a fantastic game, that has like an insane amount of unique content, but adds even more padding on top. It's just annoying when every cool battle is preceded by half a dozen floors of trash mob.
 

JarlFrank

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I also prefer longer RPGs myself, even if I can enjoy a short one too. It's a completely different feeling when an RPG exhausts you; I find it satisfying. :P

I disagree with having to reserve 60 hours at once for completing an RPG, you can play it over multiple months during your free weekends in sessions of a few hours each weekend, and you'll have fun with it for a long time.

Unless I'm misreading, I don't see him claim that, though:

It’s so much easier to put aside an hour here and there, even if that hour ends up being two or three in practice, than straight-up putting aside 50 hours in a month to fully enjoy your latest adventure.

Yep he does, but the way I read it he uses it as an argument to why games with long term fun but short play sessions, like multiplayer games or sandboxes like Minecraft, capture players better than long games with a connected storyline.
 

Crooked Bee

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I also prefer longer RPGs myself, even if I can enjoy a short one too. It's a completely different feeling when an RPG exhausts you; I find it satisfying. :P

Does that mesh well with your preference for first person grid-based crawley RPGs? I've found that they become sort of...claustrophobia-inducing after a while. "Okay, enough, I want out of here and back to the real world!"

It meshes well for me, because I don't find dungeons claustrophobia-inducing. On the contrary, the deeper / lengthier / more complex the dungeon (or series of dungeons), the more immersive I find it. The resource management aspect, which dungeon crawlers tend to do better than other classic-style CRPGs, also contributes to that.

I do like sprawling tile-based crawlers that incorporate the overworld too, though, e.g. Dragon Wars. However, the overworld is still itself essentially a dungeon to me in this case.

Also, in a good grid-based crawler, every grid tile matters, so ideally it doesn't have the filler problem exploration-wise that e.g. Skyrim has. The sort of Skyrim filler that Cobbett mentions in the article bores me.

Yep he does, but the way I read it he uses it as an argument to why games with long term fun but short play sessions, like multiplayer games or sandboxes like Minecraft, capture players better than long games with a connected storyline.

Well, it's hard to deny that, from the perspective of the average player (which Cobbett uses as the example), sandboxes lend itself better to just derping around in for a couple of hours every now and then.

He does also say he finds 30-40-ish hour story-focused RPGs to be the best in terms of length, though, so I guess that's where the disagreement lies.
 

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IMHO it's never about lenght, but about filler content. I can be 30 minutes or 50 hours in, the moment I notice the developers are just stalling it starts to really bother me.
This.

The issue is not how long a game is, but what you do during all that time. If games feel too long it is because they pad and stretch the interesting stuff over too much game time (Kingdoms of Amalur), or they do not have enough depth to justify their size and just get boring after a while (Skyrim).
 

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IMHO it's never about lenght, but about filler content. I can be 30 minutes or 50 hours in, the moment I notice the developers are just stalling it starts to really bother me.

TOME suffers from this. It's a fantastic game, that has like an insane amount of unique content, but adds even more padding on top. It's just annoying when every cool battle is preceded by half a dozen floors of trash mob.
The question is, is it even possible to make 50+ hour game with no filler and be commercially viable?
 

Crooked Bee

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Spiders making their own RPG gave me a chuckle.

I wish he focused more on systemic stuff, though.
 

felipepepe

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Unfortunately, random lulz about spiders probably attracts way more pageviews than a detailed mechanical analysis....
 

Crooked Bee

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Yeah, and the next one is going to be about rats he says - though I do hope he's just kidding about that.

With his extensive knowledge of classic stuff, there's so much he could write about instead of phoning it in. I know you can't realistically write a great article every week, but still...
 

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IMHO it's never about lenght, but about filler content. I can be 30 minutes or 50 hours in, the moment I notice the developers are just stalling it starts to really bother me.
In principle, I agree with this, but I think it's sometimes hard to know exactly the difference. I actually think that some of what we consider "trash" combat is actually necessary, or at least beneficial, in RPGs for the rhythm of the game to feel right. One do-or-die fight after another can wear down the player in a way that detracts from his experience. Stuff that seems like filler -- wandering from around in a town, whether in a cRPG or in Shining Force -- turns out to be much missed by players when you pull it out (see, e.g., AOD). Low-key, even mindless gameplay has its place to help the player recuperate and digest what just happened; it also serves to make the more important moments stand out. (For example, in Primordia I think we did not have enough filler: it was just puzzle after puzzle and at least some players reacted negatively to that.)

But where to draw the line is very difficult to say. For the most part I can't stand games because I don't have time/patience for the filler content now. Many games I quit within the first 30 minutes, even, because of some bullshit waste of my time -- a never-ending dialogue, slow tutorial screens that you can't skip, immediately needing to go load out with equipment, etc. And many games I quit even after substantial time investment because I reach some timesink like an endless dungeon crawl. But I'm pretty sure where I would draw the line would cut out too much content for most players. One man's filler is another man's flavor or respite.
 

felipepepe

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In the end, it all depends on the execution. Some JRPGs have annoying random encounters that are just the same 2-3 banal shit boring battles over and over again while you play "fetch the key" inside a time-wasting maze.

Others have well-designed dungeons, with rich encounter design that not only makes every battle something noteworthy, but also challenge players with resource management...
 
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I don't think a game needs to be completed to be good. I've never completed JA2 but I've played it off/on for .... what .... a decade? Granted, I played it on the expert difficult. I haven't even tried the 1.13 patch. I consider a game that has more content than I'll ever see a great epic. It's something that sets them apart.

Now the last 3 games I played on a serious level I completed. This is very unique for me because almost all my games in the past I didn't complete. These games are: Fallout, Anachronox, Eschalon Book I.

I haven't finished Daggerfall or Morrowind, but does that mean they're bad? I didn't focus on the main plot.

Realms of Arkania is an old rpg with lots of resource maangement. I wonder how this guy would rate it? Would he say it has a lot of filler? He'd probably say Daggerfall has a lot of filler. I bet he'd hate on the dungeons. I like(d) them.

Wan to add in the past I almost always favored open world "free roam" games. I still don't like linear things.
 
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Crooked Bee

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Cobbett on the cancelled games of Ultima, The Witcher, Baldur's Gate and Fallout:

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2015/04/16/the-witcher-fallout-baldurs-gate-ultima-cancelled-rpgs/

It’s a great time for RPGs at the moment, with just about every name, flavour and celebrity from the old days finding a new lease of life through Kickstarter and a freshly hungry audience. Most series and creators though have had at least one game fall prey to development hell – sometimes with their ideas resurfacing in later titles, sometimes with everything simply lost to time. Their levels of completion vary dramatically, but here are some of the games we never got to play…


Baldur’s Gate III: The Black Hound (Jefferson)
qtw_blackhound.jpg


While we finally have Pillars of Eternity as an unofficial Baldur’s Gate III, it’s a real shame the original never got off the ground. The Black Hound was to be a story of cause and effect, completely unrelated to the previous games’ Child of Bhaal, focusing on a more open world than the previous games and a potentially fascinating mechanic. The Black Hound was to be a manifestation of guilt, bound to the player, who becomes something of an arbiter for the characters encountered.

Quests would have offered repercussions for both actions and inaction – not saving a town from evil invaders for instance could have ended up with it being conquered during the course of the adventure, instead of its fate being saved for a card after the final boss. It being the start of a new trilogy (the expansion Throne of Bhaal being a chapter), those could also have bled through into the two planned sequels.

Sadly the game got axed late in development, and Interplay lost the Dungeons and Dragons license. Josh Sawyer would subsequently begin a plan to make the game in Neverwinter Nights, before realising that it was just too big a project for spare-time work. There was also some murmuring from Overhaul Games about creating an official Baldur’s Gate III project that for a while looked like it might be The Black Hound, though it’s since been announced that if one happens, it’ll be its own thing. As for the team, they moved on to a brand new project – Fallout 3. Unfortunately, no, not that one.

Fallout 3 (Van Buren)
qtw_vanburen.jpg


Van Buren has little to do with the Fallout 3 we finally got, though Obsidian’s New Vegas would pick up quite a few of its plot ideas and locations in variably changed forms. Caesar’s Legion was in it for instance, albeit in a much less prominent or developed form, along with locations like the NCR controlled Hoover Dam. Van Buren, though, was primarily going to be Fallout in a 3D engine, with the player awakening in a prison cell and then being pursued through the southwest by robots on an ultimate mission to prevent a mad scientist creating a second holocaust… as if that had worked out particularly well for the guys who tried it in the previous games. It would have featured turn-based and realtime combat, though with turn-based the focus, and most of the game had been designed by the time Bethesda bought the license and work on the game stopped.

Most of the design documents have subsequently been made available, right here, along with a tech demo of what was going to be the tutorial. It’s extremely shaky, and don’t expect much in the way of actual game, but still interesting. Whatever your feelings toward Bethesda’s completely different take on the license, it’s hard to imagine Van Buren having gotten half as much traction as the full-3D version, although Bethesda’s release did mean old-school Fallout fans had to wait for Wasteland 2 to get back to what they liked.

The only thing original creators Interplay were left with after the Bethesda sale was the right to make a Fallout Online… and even then, only in theory. There was immediate trouble with Bethesda over who owned the actual IP, which at least led to some memorable quotes like these:

Bethesda wants you to say, look it is only the word Fallout and that is all they get to do and they get to slap it on some game. What game do we slap that mark on? Do we slap it on a game where people are losing their hair and as hair falls out we say, okay it is a Fallout game? Do we put that on a game that says that there are people falling out of windows and when they hit the ground we kill them and we say that is a Fallout and they are falling out of cars or do we put it on some car racing game set in a time that is not an apocalyptic time like a Fallout game?

In the end, neither company ended up making a Fallout Online, with Zenimax turning its Bethesda-licensed MMO interests to a disappointment called The Elder Scrolls Online, and the well-chewed carcass of Interplay launching one of the least compelling crowd-sourcing campaigns in history – a ‘return of Black Isle’ involving none of the actual people who were part of the company, to create a Not-Fallout game called Project V13. Unlike most crowdfunded projects, it wasn’t even to make the game, but to create a proof of concept for the game, with donators not even promised a copy of the finished game if it happened. Spoiler alert: It didn’t even get close.



Ultima X: Odyssey
qtw_odyssey.jpg


Few beloved series have ended on quite such a staggering low as Ultima IX: Ascension. Its crimes and disappointments are well enough chronicled, we need not linger on them here. What made Ultima X such an odd prospect though wasn’t simply seeing EA trying to follow up one of the biggest bombs since Fat Man and Little Boy, but that Ultima IX had ended with both the death of its main character and the series villain, as well as the utter obliteration of the world. Not exactly sequel bait.

Ultima X never sounded like a particularly great idea to me, and I suspect it would have been a tough sell. It took place in a dreamworld, the land of Alucinor, set in the post-ascended Avatar’s head, with his arch-rival and evil self the Guardian battling his mind for dominance. It was to be something of a single-player and multiplayer hybrid (not a million miles from series creator Richard Garriott’s own Shroud of the Avatar, really), in which players would join with friends to try and advance by following the Eight Virtues in a world of choice and consequence. The stock example went like this:

A hooded guy asks you to get his gold medallion back that has been in his family for centuries. He tells you who stole it and where that person could be found. Once you find the thief, he tells you that he only stole the medallion so he could sell it and buy bread to eat. From here you can either be Compassionate by giving him some bread, letting him live, but taking the medallion back; or practice Justice and kill him, taking the medallion to its rightful owner. When you return to the hooded guy who gave you the job, you find out the medallion isn’t his, but another person’s who got robbed by the foodless guy, and now you can either Honor the agreement and leave with your payment, or be Honest and take the medallion to its real owner, killing the person who gave you the job.

Not included there is the more likely option, biffing everyone over the head and taking all their shit, as Ultima Online demonstrated players were endlessly more likely to do. (A similar idea was of course planned for Garriott’s Tabula Rasa, though never really came to pass. Hopefully Shroud will handle it better.) Players who did max out their virtues though would become extra-powerful, and come to represent the spirit of the Avatar himself. We can but hope they were thinking of Steve.

Odyssey was at least going to look pretty and run a hell of a lot better than Ascension, being based on the Unreal engine. Being a 2004 game though, it feels unlikely it would have been able to offer the depth required to be more than just bashy-smashy MMO stuff – though it was looking to do actual combat instead of auto-attacks – or to have stood more of a chance than the rest against the all-powerful Warcraft juggernaut. We were not to find out though, when EA decided “Nah” and moved the team back to working on Ultima Online. And speaking of Ultima Online…



Ultima Online 2
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Technically, it was going to be called “Ultima Worlds Online: Origin”, but we all know what it was. This was announced way, way back in 1999, only to be cancelled in 2001. It was to be very different from the original Ultima Online, not least in terms of setting. Ultima has always been the poster-child for medieval style fantasy, up to and including being the only series that’s allowed to do ‘thou’ and ‘dost’ stuff without being given a slap. (Looking at you, Two Worlds.) Ultima Online 2 however was pretty much steampunk, with worlds of magic and a technology clashing courtesy of a magical time compression cataclysm apparently imported from Final Fantasy VIII.

Looking back, it’s probably most interesting for how much it tried to duck away from things that had made Ultima Online interesting in the first place, from cutting out player combat except in designated arenas, to greatly reducing how much characters could learn and thus how powerful they could get. It was also to be far more focused on group play, supporting up to 30 players. Its 3D also allowed for a, for-the-time, pretty good looking world, albeit a very glum one in most of the available shots. It’s a little reductive, but it’s not hard to see that if UO was a game designed around classical MUD concepts, Ultima Online 2 was set to take on the growing success of Everquest. And, to judge from this video, Dance Dance Revolution. Seriously. There must be something in the water…



There were other cancelled Ultima related games too of course, though generally too early in development for anything of note to remain. Here for instance are the scraps of an Ultima Underworld 3 design bible. There were also plans for a third Worlds of Ultima type game, finally using a better engine than the Ultima VII one that powered Savage Empire and Martian Dreams, and dubbed “Arthurian Legends”. Not sure what it would have been about. Robin Hood, probably. Its connection to Ultima proper is casual at best, and only a few scraps remain, mostly in this interview.

Torn
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Torn had a pretty short life, really, going just a few months from world premiere to cancellation back in 2001. It had something of a Planescape Torment vibe to it, focusing on a wandering character cursed to bring bad luck wherever they went, though in an ever so slightly cheerier world. In terms of systems, it was going to use the Fallout SPECIAL system in a fantasy setting – the world of Torn – only in a semi-real time form rather than pure turn-based. Beyond that and a bit of lore, fairly stock “Order vs. Chaos” stuff really, not too much is known. Officially, the game was axed because it wasn’t going well and wasn’t going to be done fast enough to pull Interplay’s financial chestnuts off the fire in time. While that has been contested, it’s tough to get too excited about the only footage floating around.



SPECIAL did ultimately get its fantasy debut in a game published by Black Isle, the deservedly forgotten Lionheart: Legacy of the Crusader. It was an alternate history affair combining medieval history with demons, in what can best be summed up as “Great idea, weak game.” But since it came out, there’s no need to dwell on that here. Onwards, to a somewhat familiar face!

The Witcher
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Nope, not that one – CD Projekt’s rocket-powered rise from RPG rags to riches – but a whole other more action/adventure focused take on the same world from the mid 90s. Eurogamer has the full scoop, so I won’t go on about this one too much, but it was to be a far more action/adventure focused version of the story with just a few basic RPG elements. It may still have had a significant impact on both the series’ international success and the later CD Projekt version though – creator Adrian Chmielarz claims to have coined the translation of ‘The Witcher’ from Wiedźmin. “I don’t want to sound like ‘heyyyy, I’m that guy’. All I know is that at least he claimed that I was the one who proposed the title.”

Project Titan
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One day, the world may be ready to know. Until then, there is only Overwatch.
 

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Cobbett strikes again

The RPG Scrollbars: The Worst Parts Of RPGs, Vol I
Richard Cobbett on May 11th, 2015 at 1:00 pm.

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As wonderful as RPGs are, some tropes and cliches and just general bloody annoyances really do spoil the fun. Some of them might only crop up occasionally, others just won’t go away. Some, you might think, are just petty irritations. But no! All these incontrovertible sins must be destroyed at once! Here’s a few of my least favourite offenders. What others would you add to the cursed list?


Overly Optimistic Bandits
It’s one thing to try and mug a passing would-be hero on their way to becoming someone. That’s your job. But when you see a team of battle-hardened knights in full-plate, archmages humming with power, clerics bearing the very mantel of your world’s deity and a druid still yet to wipe the blood off their lips from their last shapeshift… and your response is to genuinely think you can take them? No. Stay out of the way, and don’t waste the time it takes to click on you and turn you into giblets.

“Oh, Hang On, I Just Remembered I’m Evil!”
I don’t object to games not including evil options. Honestly, most of the time it’s probably for the best. But! If there is the option to play as a monster, a sociopath or merely a scoundrel, the plot has to recognise it. Baldur’s Gate 2 for instance doesn’t give the slightest thought to why a Chaotic Evil character would so much as lift a finger to go save Imoen. In Oblivion, there’s a particularly head-desk worthy moment where a player can be caught up in a honey-trap scheme, and even join in. Even doing so, even if they’re currently the head of the Thieves’ Guild and a high flying murderer in the Dark Brotherhood, it’s interrupted by a sudden decision that justice should be served. No. Find proper motivation for evil to keep playing, or move along home. (Allamaraine, count to four…)

“Wait, Getting PAID Is Evil?”
The flip-side of that one, where asking for resources that are only going to go to helping others is evil. Allowable in specific cases, like the poor widow tending the failing farm. Just Stupid Good in most, where it’s only an option to compensate for the lack of any real moral choice to make, and only doable because every RPG game economy is more broken than a dropped china vase.

Indestructible Plot Coupons
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If the baddie needs three pieces of the whatever, or the seven gems of whatever else, or the four map pieces of another thing to complete their evil plan, give me a good reason why I can’t just find the first, smash it, and consider the job done. Paper Mario 2 on the Gamecube knew better than this. Your task was to get seven stars before the villain could open a door and release a great evil, and it’s actually asked – why bother collecting the other ones just so he can swoop in and probably get the lot in one go? Ah, it is explained. The evil behind the door will break out on its own eventually, but by challenging it in a weakened state, there’s a chance of re-imprisoning it properly this time.

That’s right. Any RPG that pulls this has an inferior plot to Paper Mario 2. Think about that.

(But not too hard, because Paper Mario 2 was awesome. Not that I’d say so on a PC site, natch.)

The Vagaries of Stats
A character creation gripe. When asking us to assign points, or subsequently choosing equipment or shopping in-game, tell us clearly and up front what these numbers mean. In any class based system, highlight the key stats and say specifically what they do. Wrap it in flowery stuff if you want, but underneath I expect you to outright say, for instance, “Strength makes you hit harder, Intelligence makes your spells hurt more, Wisdom gives you more spell points.” Also lovely would be some indicator of how important individual points are. Take Fallout’s SPECIAL system, which is somehow both a good and a bad example. Perks and basic stats from 1-9? Easy! But when it comes to skills, is there a notable difference between having 20 of something and 40 of it? We need to know!

This is all the more important in games which put very different spins on what initially looks fairly obvious. Bound By Flame for instance offered a Pyromancer set of skills that was much more of a support tree than an offensive one. It’s not enough that hardcore players will know the details second time through. Most will only play once, and the first run is always the most important.

The Expectation of Wikis
This tends to be mostly a problem for MMOs. The average player should never, ever need to look at a wiki or third-party tutorial to understand a basic concept, to know what gear is right for them, or what a stat actually means. It doesn’t matter that the hardcore audience will, or has played enough of these games to know what something like a “To Hit” percentage is. Third-party sites are fine for things like theorycrafting, but the basics should be as clear as possible. Speaking of which…

MMOs That Don’t Bother Teaching The Basics
It’s amazing how many hours they demand to level up, yet almost never find the time to actually explain and guide new players in the arts of things like team-play and dungeons and how to actually play their class in a dungeon environment. Final Fantasy XIV is the only one that’s really bothered in recent years, with both mandatory training and easy dungeons on the critical path to get a flavour for both them and the art of fighting bosses. Most others are happy to have level after level of utterly trivial PvE drip-feed skills without ever actually teaching anything worth knowing, like what rotations are and the difference between a DPS and a tank, resulting in players entering that side of the game completely clueless and usually just being shouted at by more experienced players for not having somehow intuited it all by osmosis. There have got to be better ways.

Stop Trying To Replace The DPS/Tank/Healer Trinity
Yes, yes, the impetus is understandable, but it never bloody works. That’s how players are going to approach their builds whatever you do and how open your system is designed to be. Accept it. Like most classless RPG systems, it just makes things more confusing, and greatly increases the chance of players utterly borking their builds. A real pain, especially if there’s no respec option.

No Auto-Level Up Option
Generally fine in something without set classes, or with a single hero. When you’ve got a full party though, having to assign points is both a pain and offers a big risk of screwing up. Thankfully rare these days, but does crop up occasionally in games like Pillars of Eternity.

Cutscene Failure
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This isn’t an automatic sin, but only if handled properly. I have no problem for instance with the end boss showing up early to prove their power. However, two things make it intolerable. The first is if losing the fight that leads up to that point still results in a Game Over, because only victory or a specific attack sees the game continue to the point where you lose. The second is if you’re handily winning, only for a cut-scene to change your fortune in a really stupid way. Knights of the Old Republic for instance would have been so much shorter had Bastila not jumped in to take over a fight with baddie Darth Malak, resulting in your loss, her capture, and him getting considerably tougher before the rematch. At the very least, if a fight is going to be interrupted, don’t have it presented as a favour because the player isn’t ready to win the fight they’re currently winning.

The Elder Scrolls Needs To Rename Its “Thursday”
“Turdas”, honestly. Find any excuse to change it before the next one.

Okay, so that’s a bit more specific than most of these. But seriously.

Worlds of Murder
NPCs should have at least a little more range than “Hello, traveller! Welcome!” and “I MURDER YOU TO DEATH!” To use words you probably won’t see very often, I really liked how Risen handled it. Get into a fight with someone who doesn’t want you dead, and most of the time they’ll just knock your arse to the ground and take your wallet. Another, simpler, option would be to treat the player as dead but have them wake up in jail. It’s one thing for a character to respond with lethal force if you try and murder them in their bed… but if your crime was accidentally picking up a comb that was flagged as theirs? Yeah, in that case, crazed vengeance seems just a leeetle bit of an over-reaction.

The National Elf Service
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Look, I accept that that some story and game dissonance is inevitable, and generally it’s fine. If an assassin jumps out and stabs the King, drama probably requires that he die, rather than take 5HP damage and sit back comfortably while his guards turn the assailant into red mulch.

However! If the world is one where resurrection is easily available, and every store sells magic health potions, this really needs to be factored in. Vampire: The Masquerade: Redemption (otherwise known as “The Crap One”) still stands out as a triumphant failure here, with the intro showing hero Christof being slowly brought to health, only to find a potion seller a quick stroll from his sickbed. There are always ways to justify why a particular death counts for real, from soul-destroying weapons, to not being able to take the body to a convenient temple, to ‘death’ in combat actually being a knockout. Handwaving is fine, but don’t defuse the drama with the obvious question “Wait, why can’t I cast my Resurrection spell here?”

Broken Economies
At least try. That’s all I ask. While I appreciate a lot of people don’t feel this way, so I won’t include it in my list, I will also add that I dislike heroes that craft. You want a sword? Go raid a tomb. Need a new one? Give a blacksmith some of your hero money. Honestly, the economy would be in a much better state if heroes didn’t feel the need to do everything and instead spread the love a bit.

No Difference Between Day and Night
Have a day/night cycle, don’t have a day/night cycle. But if you do have a day/night cycle, have it affect things. Not every game can be up there with Ultima’s cutting-edge 1992 technology, with the characters wandering home at the end of the day and other ‘living world’ type stuff. But if there’s a map transition or other scope to clean the board, please do something about the bustling marketplace going on in the pitch blackness and the drunks outside the tavern at 9AM.

Useless Stealth
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If you’re going to let me be invisible, don’t break that because a boss has a prepared monologue and battle arena. If you didn’t want me trying to backstab him while he scratches his arse and waits for me, don’t let me become invisible. If nothing else, provide some kind of warning that it’s not going to work, even if it has to be as blatant as him putting an anti-magic field in front of his arena.

Sword Fighting With Vermin
You do not have duels with rats. You spear them with your sword if they’re lucky. If they’re not, you give them a taste of your +2 Boots of Much Stomping. Ideally, you just tell the person who asked you to kill them to do what a sane person would do, and put down some poison. Much simpler.

Sudden Enforced Storyline Grouping
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This is a particular annoyance with World of Warcraft, though other games have suffered from it to. Love or hate the fact that Personal Quests allow people to play through MMOs without grouping, the fact is that they do, and that’s how many people prefer to play. In World of Warcraft for instance, I’ve soloed most of the game at my own pace, taking my Undead Mage from primitive beginnings as a newly reawakened corpse to being the Commander of the Horde. I’ve fought in the war for Northrend, been pivotal in the rise and fall of Pandaria, and led the charge into Draenor.

But what I never get to do is finish the story. I want to defeat Arthas, I want to join the siege on Orgrimmar, I want to kill Deathwing and I want to do whatever ends Warlords of Draenor. But I don’t particularly enjoy MMO group play and I don’t enjoy raiding. If my character is enough for 95% of a campaign, dammit, they’re good enough for the final 5%. It’s not as if basically every Blizzard ending doesn’t boil down to an existing storyline character running in and claiming the credit anyway.

I wouldn’t even mind if that chance was held off until the next expansion pack, to reinforce that raiding is the preferred way to go. I don’t even care if there’s loot. But throw me a bone!

Apathetic NPCs
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I still think Skyrim’s guards should arrest players for indecent exposure. I miss when RPGs would routinely factor in at least a couple of snarky comments for if you wandered around in your underwear. It was a good test of how responsive the rest of the game was going to be, if the designers had bothered. (Though not necessarily the mark of a great game, as Hard To Be A God proved despite its clever/heavy focus on social interactions based on your current clothing.)

It’s asking a lot to have characters react to everything, or even a lot. But, as a few basics, I want people to note when I randomly start stealing their stuff, for guards to not give me lip after saving the world from whatever currently plagues it, and to not be talked at as if a rank amateur from Level 1 to Level 100. This one is actually pretty easily done, just by not writing guards and random NPCs as jerks. Then, no changes are necessary at all! Who do they think they bloody are anyway?

Mindless Filler
If you can take out this group of orcs, and you took out the group of orcs before them, chances are the next one won’t cause a problem. We don’t really need fifty groups of orcs to test this hypothesis. Either use a system like Pillars of Eternity’s limited rests so that multiple fights take their toll, or cut to the good stuff and save us a boring hour of target practice. We get it already! Orcs exist!

Thee, Thou, Thine
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Ultima was the last series permitted to use Ye Olde Renaissance Talke.

Anything else, you missed your chance.

Lockpicking/Hacking Minigames
No. No, no, no, no, no. Lockpicking gets boring very quickly, and there has never been a hacking minigame in an SF RPG that hasn’t been terrible. Just do a bloody stat-check.

Bikini Armour
Yes, you knew it was going to be here. Here it is. However, I’m going to balance it with:

Cowardly Brothels, Prostitutes, Sex Scenes, Etc
If you’re going to put them into your game, have the balls or equivalent ladyparts to actually do it properly. As a particularly shameful example, here is a picture from the Game of Thrones RPG (the older one, not the Telltale one) which borrows cast and visual cues from the TV series, only to serve up this as the Moles’ Town brothel. Worst pasties this side of a crap branch of Greggs.

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The Witcher 2 showed that you can do graphic sex scenes with taste and meaning. This kind of content can also fit just fine on the seedy side of town. Or you could do other stuff with it. How much fun would it have been in Dragon Age to work on a scheme with Morrigan where she’d go get a prostitute and then turn into a giant spider? (The only acceptable excuse for this, in my book, because comedy trumps even horror) But if you don’t have the guts to do more than giggle and feel a bit naughty, then such content isn’t for you. Go back to the shallow end of the rating scale.

Oh, and be more interesting than to fade to black and consider your sex scene done.

Boring Openings
Again, MMOs, looking at you especially. They’re endemic to the genre though, in many forms – the long-winded lore dump intro movie in which someone discusses the last thousand years of history in ways that can be summed up as “Dragons exist”, the boring tutorial chapter in which our boring hero goes about their boring life to give us something to contrast it with, despite us knowing up front what that’s going to be, the boring ‘village on the road to the town where the game actually starts’ cliche, and numerous other boring, boring, boring things. Sometimes 60 or so levels of them.

RPGs are tales of heroism and adventure, and that should start from the beginning. The player character doesn’t have to be introduced personally beating up a dragon or something of that ilk, but if they’re not doing something interesting, the intro has failed. A fairly good rule for editing a book is to throw away your first chapter, because that’s usually where you just pontificated and introduced things that didn’t matter, with the second chapter being where the real action starts. Games are no different. Give us a reason to spend 20-50 hours in this world, beyond “Well, you paid, right?”



Well, I definitely feel better for getting that off my chest. Any of your own to add?
 

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