Ivy Mike
Scholar
What StraitLacedDeviant and Twinfalls said. Your editor needs to "tighten" his/hers writing and make it more similar to the original - in style, not in wording - as the reworks sometimes tend toward the overly verbose. Since you designed most of the NPCs (I guess) have you yourself put forward any opinion on the changes to your editor? Editing is good if it helps the "flow" of the text involved, without changing its character. Otherwise it's contra-productive to what you're trying to portray. For example, the character mentioned in SLD's post needs dialouge that fits his/her persona. Do you picture him/her as rehtorical as he/she comes across now? If you're looking for the gruff, grim murderer the before part fit's the character better, although it's could use some editing. For example:
That's just a quick and dirty edit of the original text and your editors alterations. Stylistically I view that mix to lean more towards the "grim and gruff" character portrayed in you original text, rather than the "sly and verbose" assassin in your editor's variant. Also, I consider your original (or the mix I've written above) to signal that the assassin actually trusts his subjects to be professional killers that know how to "dispose" of unwanted meddlers. Your editors rework of the original gives me the impression of the, stereotypical, "smart boss, stupid followers" relationship within the gang/organisation. (oh, and the part in [ ] is unnecessary if Coltan is a poison-assassin and the leader trusts his expertise.)
I don't know how you and your editor work with the written material in the game, but perhaps you need to give him/her more clear instructions of what kind of character he/she is "editing", if you know what I mean. Other than that, you have a fine editor on your hands.
Before "mix" said:Look alive boys. This is a business, not a social club. Dias! An Aurelian envoy is expected to arrive today to deliver an ultimatum to Lord Antidas. A bloody accident should befall him before he reaches Teron.
Coltan! There's a family in town that needs your delicate touch. [Your expertise in poison is required.]
[charname] I've got a treat in mind for you. Do you think you could handle two marks at the same time?
That's just a quick and dirty edit of the original text and your editors alterations. Stylistically I view that mix to lean more towards the "grim and gruff" character portrayed in you original text, rather than the "sly and verbose" assassin in your editor's variant. Also, I consider your original (or the mix I've written above) to signal that the assassin actually trusts his subjects to be professional killers that know how to "dispose" of unwanted meddlers. Your editors rework of the original gives me the impression of the, stereotypical, "smart boss, stupid followers" relationship within the gang/organisation. (oh, and the part in [ ] is unnecessary if Coltan is a poison-assassin and the leader trusts his expertise.)
I don't know how you and your editor work with the written material in the game, but perhaps you need to give him/her more clear instructions of what kind of character he/she is "editing", if you know what I mean. Other than that, you have a fine editor on your hands.