Before:
Unlike his gray-haired colleagues with long beards symbolizing wisdom, Cassius' hair was still black and his beard was a stylish black rectangle, symbolizing more interest in the opposite sex than in the dusty scrolls describing the tactical brilliance and numerious victories of one of the long dead emperors.
After:
Contrary to his aged colleagues, with their long beards and gray hair, his visage was relatively unlined, with a thick mane of black hair and a stylishly trimmed goatee. His preference for chasing after women instead of chasing after scrolls about long-gone battles fought by dead emperors was well-known in town.
Alright, the first description is just a freaking mouthful, I have trouble everytime I read through it. First, you have the part about wisdom; that really just breaks the whole flow of the introduction. Second, you're main point about Cassius is over stated; it basically spells everything out, restricting the whole flow of imagination.
So, alright that's why you got an editor, but he didn't quite improve on the whole thing. The introduction is better, I can actually imagine what Cassius looks like without hiccuping in my head while reading it. But one of your only good pieces in the original was "interest in the opposite sex", which is much better than "chasing after women." Chasing after women is simple, but it's boring. Its the bare necessity for getting the point across, so bare that it really skids across the imagination, making me wish for something a little more elegant. The final part of the sentence doesn't flow too well either, it suffices, but it certainly isn't the best.
So if I were to rewrite the whole thing it would go like this:
"At 42 years old, Cassius was a relatively young loremaster. But this wasn't about to stop him from acting his age either, his curly, black hair, intelligent features, and a well groomed beard all bellied a greater interest in the opposite sex than in the dusty scrolls lining the shelves of his room. Cassius had been biding his time until one of his elderly colleagues relieved himself of his position, when Antidas' emissaries made him an offer he couldn't refuse."
I feel that is a bit of an improvement atleast, certainly the sky is the limit, but I hope you see some of my points.
Cassius was relatively young for a loremaster, having just celebrated his 42nd birthday. Unlike the withered old stumps he worked with, however, Cassius hair was still black with a beard that reminded one of the abyss. In an instant his looks said that his interests lay not with the dusty scrolls of his profession, but with the opposite sex, who could often be seen leaving his office. Cassius had been biding his time until one of his esteemed colleagues died off, when Antidas' emissaries made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Alright, sorry, I got a little carried away, but I wanted to show another way of writing it. That one might be a little closer, atleast in structure, to the original.