MONDAY: THE NOT-SO-GREAT UNDERGROUND EMPIRE
And this is where Eric's quest truly begins. The first item on the list is the Pitchfork of Damocles. But first, a few words on the backpack that Bud gave us. Whenever you transition to a new day, you lose most of your items (helps keep the inventory manageable). The ones that would still be useful will appear inside the backpack, as will items that you forgot to take. For example if we hadn't bought the root beer, needed today, it would've magically appeared inside the backpack with no explanation (in fact, I think avoiding these items is the only way to finish the game without a perfect score). For items that you cannot avoid taking, like Ponce's coupon, it would reappear in the backpack if you drop it at any point. Yeah I know, dumbing down.
- >look inside backpack
Within the backpack you can see a float, a coupon, a book and some Tort-Ease.
Now let's look around.
- >Look at the sepulchre
It's a blocky, squared-off affair with a heavy stone lid.
>listen to sepulchre
It's as silent as... As silent... Well, what would be a good metaphor here? I know! It's as silent as something that doesn't make very much noise at all.
Now you can see from the image that there's a whole bunch of gravestones around. The descriptions are random and tend to repeat a lot, but I think I managed to get them all.
- >Look at the gravestones
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Excuse me for not standing up."
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Don't Tread On Me."
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Tomb of the Unknown Adventurer."
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Pardon My Dust."
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "I TOLD you I was sick!"
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "I KNEW this would happen if I lived long enough."
You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "This One's On Me."
Graverobbing is frowned on in Torus.
- >open graves
On Torus, the punishment for graverobbing is to switch places with the corpse for a full week. Not only is this unpleasant for the criminal, but after about five hot days the neighbors back home get pretty upset as well.
And of course there's the traditional newspaper. Happy reference-hunting! (most are easy though)
- >Look at the newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
Another completely fabricated story.
This will become hilarious in hindsight once we get to the end of this update.
This is actually a pretty major hint for a much, MUCH later puzzle.
Let's move deeper into the forest.
- >Look at the tree
It's a dour looking old specimen.
>Look at the tree roots
The roots are nasty, gnarled old things that look like they are lying in wait to trip you up.
He's not kidding either.
This will not go unpunished!
- >attack tree
The tree says, "Piss off, you wimp." You reflect on a more peaceful approach to this situation.
>kiss tree
Wonderful. Arborphilia. A new entry for the Meretzky Museum of Sexual Oddities.
Did I mention the
root beer would be useful today? I think you've figured out why.
Anyone insterested in the song itself?
- >listen to roots
"Oh, why did I ever leave Ireland? (sob)
And my sweet dear old mother McCree? (sob)
And the peat bogs and fields of potatoes? (sob)
That now seem like heaven to me? (sob sob sob)"
Let's admire our handiwork and move on.
- >Look at the tree
The tree is quite happily kicking up its roots.
>Look at the tree roots
The roots are dancing wildly.
>w
You squeeze by the weaving roots and head deeper into the forest.
- >Look at the tree
The tree is easily several hundred feet tall. High above you, its roots wave slowly in the breeze. The massive trunk just starts to branch out where it meets the ground, so if Bud's words are correct, then the Pitchfork of Damocles must be hidden underground.
>look at roots
The roots are high above you. Forget about 'em.
Gee, this pile of branches does look suspicious doesn't it.
Aha!
- >Look at the trap door
It's a solid looking affair with a rusted iron ring set into it.
>Look at the ring
It's ancient and rusty and fairly screaming out to be pulled.
What are you talking about? Iron rings in trapdoors can't tal-
- >listen to ring
"Pull me! Pull me!"
Oh. Well fine if you insisit.
(Yes, the game does make a creaky-door sound effect at this point)
- >Look at the stairs
The stairs disappear into the Stygian gloom below.
>down
You start to feel your way down the stairs. As soon as you disappear below ground level, you hear a crash overhead. Looking up, you see the trap door quivering with satisfaction that it has lived up to its name.
You continue down the stairs, and at the bottom you walk through a revolving spiked turnstile. On the other side of the door is a sign.
Welcome to my LP of
Eric The Unready Zork I! Wait what?!
- >Look at house
It's a small white house that looks hauntingly familiar to you, as if you had spent a long time there in a previous life. The door is closed and boarded up, but it looks as if one of the boards is a little loose.
Doing any action thankfully restores us to the
right gameoriginal interface.
Now here comes one of my favorite gags in the game. Remember the turnstile we went through, and the sign next to it?
- >look
West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.
A path winds off to the west, and to the north is the revolving spiked turnstile through which you entered. Next to the turnstile is a small, hand-lettered sign.
You see a small mailbox here.
>read sign
"Do not back up. Severe hero damage!"
>go through turnstile
Having warned you about how dangerous this turnstile is, I should kill your character just for touching it. But adventure gaming is entering a kinder era, and instead of making you go through all that, I'll just stop the game for ten seconds.
The game actually stops for exactly ten seconds at this point.
- There. Now don't do it again.
Of course, there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to resist this temptation.
Notice that the North direction is no longer available on the compass? For that matter, the turnstile officially no longer exists in the game.
- >Look at turnstile
[There doesn't seem to be any turnstile here.]
>look
West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.
A path winds off to the west, and to the north is an empty space that's about the size of a turnstile. Next to the space is a small, hand-lettered sign.
>n
Geez. Persistent, aren't you? Well forget it. If I let YOU up there, then I'd have to let EVERYBODY go, and there's simply not enough room. Sorry.
Right, moving on!
- >Look at the mailbox
It's a very old mailbox that looks like it was borrowed from another game. It is currently closed.>Open the mailbox
You open the mailbox and discover some mail.
>Take the mail
You take the mail from the mailbox.
[Your score has just gone up by 2.]
>read mail
It's a notice from the Dwarves' Clearing House:
"Yes, FONDOR BINDLECRANK, you may have already won the GRAND PRIZE in the 115th annual MAKE-A-WISH SWEEPSTAKES. Soon you and all the little BINDLECRANKS could be enjoying the dream of a lifetime. Simply bring this winning notice to our headquarters in the great cavern, and our courteous and friendly staff will tell you which of our FABULOUS PRIZES you have won, with ABSOLUTELY NO SALES PRESSURE to buy one of our magazines or sit through an incredibly boring presentation on vacation real estate."
Too bad Eric's not a dwarf, eh?
Now let's see about getting into the house.
- >Look at the board
It's definitely looser than the boards that surround it.
>pull board
You strain at the board but can't seem to make it budge.
Ah well, maybe later. Let's go exploring the NSGUE instead.
- >Look at the branches
The branches poke through the ceiling of the cavern. Nestled in the branches you see the pitchfork.
>Look at the pitchfork
It is the Pitchfork of Damocles, one of the objects that Bud the Mighty Wizard said you will need at the end of your quest.
Let's see what we can find in the two houses.
Notice any resemblance to another adventure game character?
- >Look at the rocks
Fran's has more rocks, stones, precious metals, and unprecious metals for sale than you have ever seen at one time.
>Look at Fran
He wears plaid on plaid.
>Look at the sign
The signs are more distracting than helpful.
>Talk to Fran
Unfortunately we have no means of getting any of the rocks (and before you ask "Why would we want to?" - yes, we will need both), but we'll still get something on our way out.
- >sw
As you head for the door, Fran rushes up to you and says, "No first-time customer of Fran's ever leaves empty-handed." He thrusts a pickaxe into your hands. "This is a miner's starter kit, courtesy of the Torus Department of Public Works. Use it in good health, and next time you need a rock, be sure to come to Fran's."
Cavern
>s
- >Look at the clocks
The clocks are cheap knock-offs that were stamped out on some mindless assembly line for pennies apiece.
>Look at Ed McDwarf
Well, he's a little on the short side. And he hasn't got much hair. And his ears are huge. But other than that, he's a real looker.
>attack ed
The dwarf kicks you in the knee.
>Talk to Ed McDwarf
Now we can have some fun with Ed by becoming as short as a dwarf.
- >kneel
A small voice in your head says, "Don't kneel NOW, you idiot. Go outside, kneel down, and THEN come back in."
>n
Cavern
>kneel
You kneel down.
>s
You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
Well that seems to have fooled him.
Derp.
Anyway, we have a pickaxe now! Just the thing to remove that loose board and explore the white house...
- >n
You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
Cavern
>get up
You rise from the kneeling position.
>e
West of House
>pull board with pickaxe
Even the interior of the house looks very similar to the one in Zork, except for the contents of the locked case.
- >Look at the trophy case
The case is locked up tight.
In the trophy case you see a beard.
>Look at the beard
It's a very convincing, very bushy false beard.
>Open the trophy case
Ah. Well. We have a slight difficulty there. The case appears to be locked, and as this IS an adventure game, I can hardly allow you to open it unless you supply the proper key. That quibble aside, however, I consider your input to have been absolutely first rate.
:D
Now, anyone who's played Zork KNOWS there's a trapdoor under the rug. And anyone who doesn't should STILL know that because it's like the oldest cliche in the book.
- >Look at the rug
It's a musty old rug that covers most of the floor.
>move rug
- >Look at the trap door
It looks extremely closed.
>Open the trap door
You struggle with the heavy door and manage to raise it a few inches.
A muffled voice comes from somewhere down below: "Haven't you people bothered me enough already? Go away!" A frail white arm emerges and hands you a key. Then it disappears into the darkness again and pulls the door shut after it with a decisive "BANG!"
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]
>Open the trap door
"GO AWAY!"
:D
Well at least we did get the key. Let's grab the beard then head upstairs.
- >Look at key
It's a long, thin key made of pure white bone. Looking at it, you briefly wonder why they call them 'skeleton keys.' Then you shudder and turn your attention elsewhere.
>unlock case
[With the key]
You unlock the case with the key and it swings open.
>Take the beard
You take the beard from the trophy case.
>up
- >Look at the paintings
The pictures are all masterpieces by Leonardo da Dwarf. (Miniatures, of course.)
>Look at the pile of bones
They're too long to be dwarvian bones. They must be human.
>look in bones
You sift through the pile and discover a driver's license which you immediately pick up.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]
>look at license
"Fondor Bindlecrank -- Age: 437. Height: 3 foot 6 inches." The picture is of a luxurious beard with what may be a dwarf behind it.
You're probably wondering what the human bones are doing here. The significance will become obvious once we make it into the attic... which we can't do for now.
- >Look at the hole
The opening into the attic is about two feet higher than you can reach.
>up
The opening is about two feet over your outstretched hands.
However, we now have the prize mail, some (fraudulent) ID AND the perfect dwarven disguise! Why not go claim our prize?
- >down
You race back down the stairs.
Living Room
>w
You dash through the kitchen and out the hole in the door.
West of House
>w
Cavern
>s
Publishers Clearing House
>show mail to ed
The dwarf hauls out a redwood clock and starts to hand it to you, then he gives the ticket a bored glance. "My gods! An actual winner!" He quickly recovers his composure and says, "Ahem, that is to say, ANOTHER winner, among many in our fine, absolutely legal with no hanky-panky, sweepstakes." He compares your number to one on his list. "Well, MISTER BINDLECRANK, I'm happy to say that you've won an all-expenses paid..." He glances up at you and frowns. "Wait a minute. You don't look like a dwarf. May I see some sort of ID please?"
>show license to ed
The dwarf glances at the picture on the license. "This doesn't look like you at all. The Fondor Bindlecrank in this photo has a big bushy beard."
He hands back the license and the sweepstakes notice and says, "Be off with you. You're lucky I'm not calling the fraud squad."
This is what happens if you have the license but not the beard. If you wear the beard, but forget to kneel, his response is slightly different:
- >show id to ed
The dwarf glances down at the license. "It says here that you're 3 foot 6. You're much taller than that."
So, of course, the trick is to have both components of the disguise before going in. Incidentally, this also enables an amusing new dialog.
- >kneel
You kneel down.
>wear beard
You put on the beard.
>s
You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
Publishers Clearing House
>Talk to Ed McDwarf
Now let's get our prize!
- >show mail to ed
The dwarf hauls out a redwood clock and starts to hand it to you, then he gives the ticket a bored glance. "My gods! An actual winner!" He quickly recovers his composure and says, "Ahem, that is to say, ANOTHER winner, among many in our fine, absolutely legal with no hanky-panky, sweepstakes." He compares your number to one on his list. "Well, MISTER BINDLECRANK, I'm happy to say that you've won an all-expenses paid..." He glances up at you and says. "Oh, I almost forgot. We've been getting some fraudulent claims recently. May I see some sort of ID please?"
I wonder who he means by that reference to fraudulent claims...
Wow, our very own amusement park, built right in front of our eyes! Now THAT is service! Let's go on some rides!
- >se
You try to get into the ever-popular "Dwarf Pirates of the Caribbean," but the lines are so long that you abandon the effort.
>sw
You enter a maze of twisty passages, all alike. After about twenty minutes you stumble back out.
Yes, it's another Zork reference (though this one was possibly lifted from Adventure first?) Anyway since I didn't take off the beard or get up from kneeling, I get all the messages about them at once. And as soon as we're back in human shape, we are approached by a family of dwarves.
- The beard is really itching you. You begin to scratch wildly.
You can't take the itching any longer. You rip off the beard.
You tire of hobbling around on your knees and stand up again.
A dwarf family wanders by. The father addresses your navel.
"Great costume. The kids really go for that goofy looking human stuff. I worked my way through Rock U doing the same sort of thing." He presses a 20 zonkmid piece in your hand. "Good luck to you." The family wanders away.
>look at coin
It's a small coin with NSGUE imprinted on it.
Perfect! Just what we needed to buy the starter rock. But first, let's see what's in the booth to the west.
Yeah, it's a game of memory. Kind of a timewaster really, but unfortunately needed to continue with the game. Thankfully it doesn't take very long.
Yay magic slingshot! Now all we need is some ammo for it.
- >ne
Fran's Rock Emporium
>Talk to Fran
- >kiss fran
"Got a thing for short people, eh?"
>attack fran
The dwarf bites you on the ankle.
>attack fran with pickaxe
Right now, every night before your mother goes to bed, the last thing she says is, "At least I haven't raised an ax murderer." Let's not break the poor woman's heart.
- >buy starter rock
Fran reaches below the counter and hands you a rock about half the size of a dwarf's fist. "For twenty zonkmids we have this fine starter rock. And with every sale a free bungee cord to lash the rock..." He stops in mid-sentence, looks first at the diminutive rock and then at the cord. "Oh well," he continues, "you might as well take the cord anyway. I got a deal on 'em."
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Alright! We've got both ammo for our slingshot AND a bungee cord! Let's go get the pirchfork!
- >sw
Cavern
You are standing on the midway of a crowded carnival. Right next to you is a huge ferrous wheel whose cars almost brush the leaves of the tree hanging down from the cavern roof. To the west is a game booth. To the southeast and southwest are rides. Fran's Rock Emporium can still be entered to the northeast, the Dwarves' Clearing House is still visible to the south, and the little white house lies somewhere to the east.
One of the seats of the ferrous wheel dangles in front of you. You see a lever here.
Ferrous wheel
though it's pretty much the only way we have of getting close to the pitchfork.
- >Look at the lever
It's a three-foot lever that sticks up out of the ground. It is curiously free of any markings or labels.
>get on wheel
- >Look at the ferrous wheel
The ride is a huge, iron-spoked wheel, the upper cars of which graze the branches of the upside down tree at the roof of the cavern.
At the moment, the wheel is stationary.
>push green button
You push the green button, but nothing happens.
Mmm. Maybe we need to pull that lever first?
- >out
You stand up and step out of the chair, relieved to be back on solid ground.
>pull lever
You throw the lever and hear a faint 'click'.
>get in seat
- >wait
Time passes...
The wheel carries you back down to the starting position.
So here's the trick: we need to get the wheel to stop exactly at the top. Since the buttons are at the bottom we obviously can't reach them. We do have a view of the lever though... and why do you think we bothered getting the slingshot and rock for it?
- >load slingshot with starter rock
The rock fits snugly into the slingshot.
>push green button
Perfect! The pitchfork is ours!
- >Take the pitchfork
The branches are still just out of reach. Perhaps if you stood up...
OK, almost ours....
- >stand up
You stand up.
>Take the pitchfork
You stretch out and grab the pitchfork!
[Your score has just gone up by 25.]
one down four to go!
Now... how the hell do we get back down?
OK, not the best idea. Can we hit that lever again to get the wheel running?
- >take rock
The starter rock is too far away.
>fire slingshot at lever
The slingshot isn't loaded.
Hey wait, we did get a bungee cord didn't we?
- >look at bungee cord
It has the word "BUNGE-O-MATIC" emblazoned on it, with some fine print written below.
>read fine print
Knowing in your heart than only geeks read fine print, you nevertheless look at the small words.
"Bunge-o-matic. The only magic bungee cord that automatically knows the task you have in mind for it and expands or contracts as needed."
The even smaller print below reads, "The Bunge-o-matic has not been tested by any government agency and has not been approved for actual use. The Bungemart Corporation will not accept liability for any failure, catastrophic or otherwise, of the Bunge-o-matic. Have a nice day."
Well it's not like we have much of a choice...
- >attach bungee cord to branches
You hook one end of the bungee cord to a sturdy branch, and the other to your clothing. The cord seems to relax and lengthen, as if it knows you are about to ask it to stretch a long distance.
>jump
You do a swan dive off the seat. Gaining speed as you approach the floor of the cavern, you wonder if you should have read the small print on the bungee cord - the part where the lawyers say that if the product doesn't work, it's not their fault. At least, you think, I'm not trying this at home. Then, just as you come face to face with an ant, the bungee reaches its limit and snaps you back. You bounce a few times and then come to rest a few feet above the ground.
- >look at headrest rock
It's a solid rock, about two feet thick. You couldn't imagine sleeping on anything more uncomfortable.
Gee, two feet? Remember what was exactly two feet out of our reach?
- >e
West of House
>e
Living Room
>up
Bedroom
>drop rock
And there's our way out! We don't need no turnstiles!
Before you start thinking "hurr lame joke", think again...
Yeah, it's not a joke. Let's get out of here!
- >look at ceiling
It's a solid stone slab.
>up
You push aside the slab and climb out. You are in the middle of a graveyard. Mystic types surround the sarcophagus you just climbed out of. They were in the middle of some ritual. They drop their torches in panic and flee. The underbrush catches fire quickly and the forest starts to vibrate with a low rumble. You recognize the symptoms of a completed quest and do a little fleeing yourself.
You run for what seems like hours through the dark forest, tripping and falling over roots, and scattering all your possessions to the four winds. At last you emerge on the other side and collapse in exhaustion on the road near a tavern.
Remember the human bones? That's why they're there, they fell through the attic and into the house. And what are all these people doing here? Well, the newspaper did mention something about an Elvis revival, and more importantly, about fans carrying the torch...
Before I go, have another ominous meanwhile.
Was... was that a MacDonald's???
That does it. We WILL NOT ALLOW GRIZELDA THE HEFTY ONTO THE THRONE!