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Catastrophe ahoy! Let's Play Eric The Unready

praetor

Arcane
Joined
Apr 27, 2009
Messages
3,069
Location
Vhoorl
this is hilarious. thanks for this LP :salute:
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
Tally times. Kzero gets 4 points (5 if he can convince me about the Apple reference - I thought it was just a throwaway computer joke). The Davinci Code one is false - this game is 10 years older than the book. I'll instead give the point to Bee since her answer is closer to the truth.

The seven maids and seven mops is in fact from a Lewis Carroll poem. I had to Google it to get the full thing:
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

Crooked Bee said:
The princess is probably evil and simply wants to take advantage of Eric's foolishness though.
Oh come on, you're expecting this kind of twist? This ain't now Bioware gam-

*reads Roxor's post*

Yeah OK, but still, it's not gonna happen.

DwarvenFood said:
This is just SO Monty Python.. but I cannot into all this inane humour, there are some nice lolz in there but the rest of it .. guess it's a matter of opinion.
TBH I find the inane lines to be part of the fun, mostly because there are no real inane ones. They're either brilliant and hilarious, or they're truly awful howlers. I find part of the fun to be in trying to guess, when picking a random command, which one it'll be this time. I could also just play the game "normally" and not include all the lulzy lines, but that would be no fun.

Anyway update incoming.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
Patron
Joined
Feb 23, 2006
Messages
28,396
Location
Not Here
Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
It's refreshing because they don't make games like these anymore. I like the wit and the extra mile the parser goes into accepting awkward inputs. Definitely a classic.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
SUNDAY: WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE RHOMBOID TABLE...

Here we are, the start of a fresh lovely new day for Eric The Unready.

eric_082.png


Well... it would be lovely if he wasn't stuck in his armor.
  • >look at armor
    The suit of armour has rusted shut around you.
eric_083.png


The squire ducks out so quickly that we don't get a chance to ask for help. Let's look around and see what's there.
  • >Look at the card
    It's a warranty card from Giovanni's House of Armour that guarantees that your armour will be rust free for one year after purchase. There is a sketch of a suit of armour on the card, with your measurements written in alongside it.
    Come to think of it, the sketch looks a lot like the one that's in your game manual.
This is part of the game's copy protection, which we will come to later. For now, how about getting the hell out of this mess?
  • >out
eric_084.png


Can't blame her for taking a bath considering she had to put up with Eric during the whole ride. Nice of her not to mention it to his face.

Anyway, let's see what we can do about this armor.
  • >Look at the armour
    The rusted armour is heaped on the floor in a useless pile.

    >Look at the helmet
    It's just a standard issue helmet.

    >Take the helmet
    You take the helmet.
Not much it seems, unfortunately. But at least the helm could come in handy, and we could always use the warranty card to get a replacement.
  • >Take the card
eric_085.png


If you're quick, you can make it to the Union Hall by yourself and then just come back for the helmet and card later, but this way's faster. Now let's look around and talk to people.
  • >Look at the old knights
    The old knights are scratching themselves and reminiscing about the good old days.
    You overhear the conversation of some fat old knights sitting in the back of the hall.
    "Soft, I calls 'em. Coddled. One good melee, a few severed limbs, and half of 'em would go running home to their mamas."

    >Talk to the old knights
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  • "And look at that fancy equipment. In our day we didn't have lances. We had long sticks that we sharpened with our teeth. And helmets? We used kitchen pots on our heads and hoped for the best."

    >Look at the young knights
    The knights are preening and polishing up their armour.
    "And what about those crossbows? In the old days all we had were long poles and bits of string. Half the time the thing would break in our hands and send the arrow flying into our stomachs. And then we'd die because we didn't have proper medicine. Not like today, with all them fancy leeches and such. In our day if we needed to bleed we'd gnaw a hole in our wrists until we hit an artery. After it drained for a while we'd tie a rag around it real tight and then wait for the hand to fall off."

    >Talk to the young knights
eric_092.png

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  • "Not to mention how they run sieges nowadays. Now it's catapult this and battering ram that. In my day we'd send five hundred screaming maniacs running up to the castle wall to form a human pyramid. Then some unlucky bastard would climb up to the top while the defenders poured boiling oil on his head. Then if by some chance he made it, they'd hack him to bits with their swords. But did that stop him? No. He'd run down to the inner gate and use what was left of his body as a counterweight so the rest of us could rush in to kill all the livestock and rape the women. Or was it the other way around? I'm a little fuzzy on the details."

    >Look at the sign
    The sign proudly declares this to be Local 704 of the Knights' Union.
Now here's where I cheated a bit. You don't actually have the time to use all the commands I did before the next sequence kicks in, but in the grand tradition of kissing and attacking everyone, I've sneaked in these few lines by artificial time dilation (aka save/restore).
  • >attack old knights
    "Watch it, sonny. We may be old, but we can still whip your butt."

    >kiss old knights
    "Eh? What's that??? Oh. Sorry. We've forgotten how!"

    The room falls silent as the shop steward comes in. He faces the troops with a pained expression on his face and begins to speak.
eric_097.png

eric_098.png

eric_099.png

eric_100.png

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Hey guys... do you think he might pick me?

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:yeah: Haters gonna hate :smug:

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Now that everyone's left let's look at all the portraits on the wall.
  • >Look at the pictures
    Your eye falls on one of the pictures:
    "Sir Gaspar the Hasty:
    Killed in the line of duty. During the quest for the Dragon of Cabbage Patch, he was the first to track the infamous beast to its lair. He had snuck up behind the monster and lifted its tail to strike the killing blow, when without warning the dragon broke wind and incinerated the brave knight on the spot."

    >Look at the pictures
    Your eye falls on one of the pictures:
    "Sir Theobold the Fat:
    Laboured long and well in the king's service, until he retired to become an instructor at the Knight's Academy. There he was killed by a student while standing next to a dummy during jousting practice."

    >Look at the pictures
    Your eye falls on one of the pictures:
    "Sir Cedric the Patient:
    Died when he sought shelter from a summer shower in Dahlgren Castle. His armour rusted while he was standing in the front hall, and no one realized the suit was occupied until a passing tourist peeked inside the following spring."

    >Look at the pictures
    Your eye falls on one of the pictures:
    "Sir Gareth the Blond:
    A pioneer of water safety, he was the first to advocate removing one's armour prior to diving into the ocean to rescue drowning victims. Died while demonstrating mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the wife of a jealous duke."

    >Look at the pictures
    Your eye falls on one of the pictures:
    "Sir Akeem the Tall:
    The tallest knight ever to enter the king's service. Like most knights, he died with his armour on. His untimely demise occurred during a thunderstorm when he raised his hand to point at the cloud from which a lightning bolt had come a few moments before."
Anything interesting inside the display case?
  • >Look at the case
    The case is closed up tight and securely locked. Inside you see something that vaguely resembles a hibachi.

    >Look at the hibachi
    Once, long ago, many knights rode out on a great quest. Their holy mission was to recover the most sacred artifact known to man, the vessel used at the Last Supper. After a year and a day, one knight returned from the quest, mortally wounded. With his dying breath he asked that the vessel he found be permanently enshrined here in the Union Hall. His will was done and thanks to his brave deeds, all who enter here are granted the sublime honor of seeing with their own eyes... The Holy Grill.
:roll:

Anyway enough procrastinating. We have a princess to save!

And Eric's not gonna be saving anyone without a new suit of armor (to quote Scorpia, "the old one being in offal shape". Yes, the game's humor is contagious)
  • >w
eric_105.png


Note the armoury, the village green and the castle courtyard, which we will visit later.

This is The Bard (no, not that one). Every turn you spend on this screen, he tells a joke or sings a song (alternating). The jokes make you groan, as you might expect. Some of the songs could be hints for what's to come or backstory if the game actually let you listen to them, rather than just telling you their main topic. Anyway, let's look around this screen and do the usual stuff.
  • >Look at the sign
    "JOKES: One copper penny.
    SONGS: One silver penny.
    THE EPIC OF BALDUR: One gold coin."
    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about a knight and his chaste love for the wife of the king.

    >Look at Ponce
    He's tall, thin, and very theatrical looking.
    At the moment, he is singing a long, complicated song.

    >Look at the people
    Everyone seems to be enjoying the bard's performance.

    >attack bard
    "That is not a wise thing to do," says the bard. "In my last role, I played 'Cohan, the Barbarian Song and Dance Man'. I picked up quite a few pointers about maiming people by tap-dancing on their heads."

    >kiss bard
    "Stop that," says the bard. "I have no time for dalliances."

    >kiss crowd
    You run around kissing people until someone gives you a good slap upside your head and you come to your senses.

    >attack crowd
eric_106.png


If you thought shooting yourself while trying to kill the beast in Gateway was over-the-top...

Anyway let's chat with Ponce for a bit.

  • >Talk to Ponce
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Well we don't have a gold coin just yet, and the crowd will only toss silver and bronze coins. If you just stand there he'll go through his entire repertoire then just loop over. For convenience I've included all the jokes and songs in order

  • Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "A knight attending a royal feast lets out a giant belch. The King looks at him and says angrily, 'How dare you belch before the Queen?'
    The knight says, 'I didn't know she wanted to go first.'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the mother of all jousts.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "A foreign duke came to Fudd's court and checked into the most expensive inn in the village. He hired a local interpreter, because he did not speak our language.
    As he was unpacking, two masked bandits burst in, swords in their hands. They demanded the duke's famous jewels. The interpreter translated their demands. In his native tongue, the duke told the bandits to go to hell, he had no jewels. One of the bandits said, 'We know he has jewels. We're going to count to three. If we don't get the jewels, we're going to cut his head off.'
    The interpreter conveyed the message to the duke, who said in his own language, 'I don't want to die. Tell them that the jewels are hidden in the false bottom of the trunk.' The interpreter said to the bandits, 'He said he'd rather die than tell you where the jewels are.'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the quest for the Holy Grill.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "What does a female millipede do when she doesn't want to make love?
    She crosses her legs and says, 'No, no. A thousand times, no!'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about seven castaways on a deserted island.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "Realizing that she's been too permissive with her three youngsters, a mother decides to take them in hand by starting with their tendency to curse. The next morning, as the three wild ones sit at the breakfast table, the mother asks Gaheris, 'What do you want for breakfast?'
    Gaheris says, 'I'll have some of that damn dry cereal.'
    At the epithet, the mother sees red. Hauling off, she slaps Gaheris halfway across the room. She asks her second son, Bors, what he wanted. Bors says, 'I'll have some of that damn dry cereal.' Once again the mother lets go. This time the victim bounces off one wall and into another. The mother turns to Gareth, her third son. 'What do you want for breakfast?'
    Gareth said, 'You can bet your ass it won't be that damn dry cereal!'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the deities who live on the Mountain of the Gods.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "There were once two weevils. One worked hard and became very rich. The other did nothing and became the lesser of two weevils."

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the creation of Torus.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra. As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the horse had made out, and was chagrined to see the horse leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered with welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded the keeper asked what had happened.
    The horse said, 'I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas.'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about a beautiful princess and her love for a lowly knight.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "How do you make an elephant fly?
    First you take about three feet of zipper..."

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the joust of all mothers.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "A country gentleman decided to buy a horse from a cleric who was leaving for an assignment as a missionary in a place where horses weren't of much use. The cleric said, 'This horse has spent his life among religious people. He won't respond to "giddy-up." You must say "Thank God" if you want him to go. To make him stop, just say, "Amen."'
    The deal was consummated. The new owner rode off on his horse. Some miles down the road, a noise startled the horse and he took off into the woods, heading straight for a deep canyon beyond. The new owner tried to rein in the horse, yelling, 'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!' Remembering suddenly, he said, 'Amen.' The horse stopped two feet from the edge of the canyon. The new owner wiped the sweat from his face, looked down at the gaping canyon, and said, 'Thank God.'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about an orphan boy who grew up to become King.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "Two ants were on a box of cereal when one of them started to run fast. The other asked, 'Why are you racing like that?' The other ant said, 'It says, "Tear along the dotted line!"'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the birth of the Stygian Dragon.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "The tailor went to Mount Spa, home of the gods of Torus, and prayed to the God of Good Fortune. 'Please explain something to me. I'm devout, I pray to you ten times a day, and yet I have nothing but misery and pain. My family is always ill. My children have no future. Next door there's the butcher. He has a thriving business, two carts, a beautiful home, his children are doing well, and his family has never been sick one day. Why is a devout man like me always in great difficulty while he's always sitting on top of the world?'
    The god said, 'Because he isn't always bugging me, that's why.'"

    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the lineage of King Fudd.

    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "A woman was letting her husband have it with just a little more venom than usual, saying, 'You're an idiot. You always were an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second.'
    'Why would I come in second?'
    'Because you're an idiot!'"
Had your fill? Yes? Well too bed, because I excluded the last few, which will appear when we recross this screen.

Now let's go get Eric some armor! Conveniently, the area description when we got to the square did mention the armoury's just to the west.
  • >w
eric_108.png

  • >Look at Giovanni
    He's a thin, dapper tailor.

    >Look at the weapons
    You take a good look at the weapons mounted on the wall and discover that they are all low-quality factory samples.

    >Look at the small helmet
    It's a helmet made for someone with a very small head.

    >Look at the suits of armour
    There is a variety of ready-made suits hanging on the rack, but you don't see anything you like.

    >Look at the dummy
    It bears an uncanny resemblance to your first-year roommate at the Fly By Knight Academy. "I wonder whatever happened to old Binky?" you ask yourself. Then you remember with a guilty start the unfortunate episode when you accidentally spilled sneezing powder on the dragon during a Dragonfighting 101 class when 'old Binky' happened to be looking the other way.

    >attack giovanni
    "Isa no usa getting mad. We worka dis out eventually."

    >kiss giovanni
    You kiss him on both cheeks, continental style. "Atsa right," he says. "You learna custom good."

    >fuck giovanni
    "You maka da big mistake, Eric. Isa no gay Italiano men. Only Sissylians"
Yes, the game does recognize them as different actions sometimes. (which makes me wonder... what would've happened if I'd tried to fuck the entire crowd?)
  • >Talk to Giovanni
eric_109.png

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Aaaaaaaaanyway, let's give him the warranty card.
  • >give card to giovanni
    "You gotta da problem? I fix."
    He rummages behind the counter and says, "Whatta was your pauldron width again?"
    [To learn the correct answer, you can either spend the rest of the day making a series of wild guesses, or you can consult the armour diagram in your game manual.]
    ANSWER >5
    "Whatta was your cuisse colour again?"
    ANSWER >brown
    "Whatta was your helmet size again?"
    ANSWER >14
Yes, it's the good old copy protection. There's an armor diagram in the manual with all the measurements/colors, and the game randomly picks 3 to ask you in each playthrough. It's pretty unobtrusive really, but since all it involves is photocopying one page (or writing down a small amount of information) I don't know how effective it was.
  • Giovanni pops back out from behind the counter and says, "Hokay. We got it now. Comma back nexta week and I gotta brand new suit for you. Untila then, weara dissa cloak. Isa finest quality. Last worna by wizard himself."
    He tosses you a cloak.
A cloak? A cloak?How the hell am I supposed to be a knight in shining armor if I'm wearing a friggin cloak? Wait did he say wizard? Could there by any chance be something magical about it? +1 protection against fire or something?
  • >examine cloak
    It's a simple cloak that has a single pocket.

    >wear cloak
    You put on the cloak.

    >look in pocket
    Within the pocket you can see a packet.
Curious!
  • >take packet
    You take the packet from the pocket.

    >look at packet
    It's a small packet that reads, "Rapid grow beans. Just plant in the ground and add water."
    Inside the packet you see a single bean.
Curiouser!
  • >take bean
    You take the bean from the packet.
Mmm... I wonder what would happen if we ate the magic bean?
  • >eat bean
    Geez. I go to all the trouble of creating a magic bean, and all you want to do is EAT it. It would serve you right if I let you do it and then made a huge beanstalk erupt from your belly button like the monster in 'Aliens'. Or instead maybe I could give you a fatal case of galloping flatulence. As it is, however, I'll just let you off with a warning.
Of course, by now it's pretty obvious (see "kill Eric" that, when the game warns you like this, it WILL kill you if you insist. Confession time: I CANNOT resist trying again EVERY SINGLE TIME the game does this. Then I laugh hysterically at the result even as the game calls me an idiot.
  • >eat bean
eric_114.png

:lol:

Well, we've got our uneaten bean (after restoring of course). Now all we need is water and somewhere to plant it. Let's check out the village green south of the village square.
  • >e
    Village Square
    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the legendary fountain of youth.

    >s
eric_121.png


You may remember Ulric's House of Torches from Saturday's pre-mission briefing, when the knight said Eric "contributed" to it burning down. One of the knights mentions it was rebuilt. Here it is!

Now for yet more fun commands.
  • >swim in duckpond
    You certainly stink to high heaven, nevertheless, this is not a very good time to stop and take a bath.

    >smell eric
    You tuck your nose under your arm and take a whiff. Some moments later you recover your senses, and you make a vow to take a bath as soon as this adventure is over.

    >lick eric
    Wouldn't you rather be playing one of those Leisure Suit adventure games?
Well, this torch would sure be useful, wouldn't it? I mean we aregoing on a Quest after all.
  • >take torch
    You can't seem to work the torch loose. There's probably some trick to it that only Ulric knows.
Mmm. Maybe there's some kind of mechanism? Let's look around Ulric's.
  • >Look at Ulric's
    Everything about Ulric's place looks new. This is not surprising, given that it was recently rebuilt from the ground up with funds from the union's treasury after an unfortunate accident which could have happened to anyone, but which, in fact, happened to you. While gazing at the building, you notice a sign in the window.

    >read sign
    The sign on Ulric's place says, "OPEN."
Well, maybe we can just go in and ask Ulric if we can take the torch.
  • >open door
    Ulric rushes out to meet you and says nervously, "Sir Eric! What a pleasure to see you again! It's a pity that you caught me just as I was about to close. But here - why don't you take this torch. It's on the house!"
    The shopkeeper wrenches the torch free from the wall and presses it into your hands. Then he retreats into the building and flips over the sign so it now reads "Closed."
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
OK, Ulric really doesn't want to see us. I wonder why. Let's go back in and ask him.
  • >w
    Ulric appears, points vigorously at the sign, and shakes his head violently back and forth. Then he disappears again into the depths of the shop.
No matter, we got what we came for!

Dunno about you, but all this questing is making me thirsty. And I see a Baskin' RBobbin's right next door!
  • >e
eric_122.png


  • >Look at Bobbin
    He's a slightly overweight lad who looks like he's sampled the wares a little too often.
In before a photoshop of Dicksmoker wearing earmuffs.
  • >Look at the sign
    The sign says:
    "32 FLAVOURS
    TODAY'S SPECIAL
    ROOT BEER FLOATS
    ONLY ONE GOLD COIN.
    [offer limited to one per customer.]"

    >Talk to Bobbin
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Mmm. Another place where we need a gold coin that we don't have. Ah well. Let's go back to the duckpond and get some water for our magic bean.
  • >w
    Village Green

    >take water
    Excellent idea. How are you going to do it?

    >fill helmet with water
    You dip your helmet into the pond and fill it with water.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Awesome! Now all we need is somewhere to plant it. We've been over pretty much the entire area except for the courtyard north of the village square, so let's head there.
  • >n
    Village Square
    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "Sir Pessim is always gloomy, but he's still a dreamer. He's always building dungeons in the air."

    >n
eric_129.png

  • >Look at the castle
    The castle is an impressive, if somewhat haphazard, collection of towers and turrets.

    >Look at the tower
    It's a tall tower with a single window set high into it.

    >Look at the garden
    It's nice little plot of ground that seems to be between plantings right now.
I wonder... what's that contraption on top of the tower?
  • >Look at the wires
    If you'd ever seen a satellite dish, you'd swear that this looks just like one. (But of course, you've never seen a satellite dish, because you live in the technological backwater known as Torus, where people are still abuzz over the invention of the spoon.)
Now let's read the Daily MailTorus Inquirer for our news of the day.
  • >Look at the newspaper
    [Taking the newspaper first]
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Notice once again the complete disconnect between what actually happened and what The Sun Inquirer reports. And of course the subtle reference to the farmer's daughter's apples :roll:

Anyway, personals time. Have fun!

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Cleric's Gossip Weekly is probably my favorite. And we are of course going to call the number!
  • >call 1-CGW-RUM-BAGS
    "At the tone, please put a bag over your head and leave your rumour. Thank you for calling."
    You wait a while, but fail to hear a tone.
:D

Anyway, I don't know about you, but as much as I'd like to get in the castle, I would like to go through that window at the top of the tower even more.
  • >climb tower
    You see no way to climb up the tower.
Just because we can't see a way doesn't mean there isn't one. And just because there isn't one doesn't mean we can't createone! Especially with the oh-so-conveniently placed garden...
  • >plant bean
eric_143.png

:yeah:
  • >up
    You clamber up the beanstalk.
What secrets and mysteries await Eric in this eerie tower?
 

Erebus

Arcane
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
4,763
Some of the references are very easy : Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Pinocchio. Though I'm not familiar with the works in question, I can recognize references to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner and the Scarlet Pimpernel. The second one might be about the Three Musketeers, but that would be a stretch. No clue about the others.
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
Re: Saturday

Sceptic said:
  • >look at sun
    You should never look at the sun, unless it's an eclipse, and you have one of those little cardboard box things with a hole in it, and your parents are nearby. Unless, of course you want to go blind. But if that's what you want, there are much more fun ways to do it, which I probably shouldn't go into here.
:lol:

This is awesome. Surprised I'd never heard of it before. Keep it up!
 

Crooked Bee

(no longer) a wide-wandering bee
Patron
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
15,048
Location
In quarantine
Codex 2013 Codex 2014 PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Codex 2016 - The Age of Grimoire MCA Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
rush in to kill all the livestock and rape the women. Or was it the other way around?

:facepalm:

Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "Two ants were on a box of cereal when one of them started to run fast. The other asked, 'Why are you racing like that?' The other ant said, 'It says, "Tear along the dotted line!"'"

:roll:

eric_106.png


:o

"You maka da big mistake, Eric. Isa no gay Italiano men. Only Sissylians"

:lol:

eric_114.png


This is just wonderful.
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
Fresh reference collection. Mostly obvious, but some were fun.

Eric the Unready- reference to either the Viking Eric the Red or the English King Æthelred the Unready, so called because of a pun; "ready" at the time meant advised or counseled, and his name translates as "Well counseled." Which makes him "Well counseled the uncounseled." Which is appropriate, because he couldn't have been more incompetent.

Garpathian swallow question- reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Wilfrid of Brimley- Wilford Brimly.
Holy Grill- Holy Grail.
Song about "a knight and his chaste love for the wife of the king"- Galahad.
Cohan, the Barbarian Song and Dance Man- Conan the Barbarian and George M. Cohan, vaudeville and Broadway great.
Seven castaways on a deserted island- Gilligan! Get your hands off Ginger's coconuts! (Apples?)
Mountain of the gods / Mount Spa- Olympus, in Greek myth.
Orphan boy who grew up to become king- Arthur.
Beans and gianty death- Jack and the Beanstalk.


CLASSIFIEDS-
1. LotR.
2. I want the number. Three Musketeers.
3. Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.
4. Ha! A. A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh. Christopher, you monster, what have you done to the Hundred Acre Wood? Didn't you ever read The Giving Tree?
5. Funny, but probably not a reference to a specific chain of gyms.
6. Indy.
7. Shadowrun? Maybe?
8. They seek him here, they seek him there. Those creditors seek him everywhere. The Scarlet Pimpernel.
9. Pinnochio.
10.Ugh. Fashion Gossip Weekly.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
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Divinity: Original Sin
Scoring: Erebus gets 5 points, though I'm tempted to substract one for poor presentation (then again I'm not a schoolteacher, thank the Maker, so I'll let it pass). friartucksduck gets 3 points for Brimly and Conan/Conan, even though they're not ads they were both cleverer than the other references, and one final point for the 100 acre wood (well done, I missed C.Robin significance until I saw your post). However the 2 guardsmen are definitely not the Three Musketeers, mainly because they were in fact 4 people (yeah I know) and I don't know why the chocolate is important. I also have no idea what the Shadowsrunt one is about.

And finally, my favorite reference in the entire game. No, the last ad is not a reference to Fashion Gossip Weekly (though that might be a reference-within-the-reference). It is in fact one for Computer Gaming World (well, CGW), and specifically for a column there called the Rumor Bag (hence 1-CGW-RUM-BAG). This was a column written by Johnny L. Wilson (J. Wilson... Jil Snow...) (though nobody knew this until after he left the magazine) at the time also the editor-in-chief. It was an odd column featuring the Rumor Guy, who wore a brown paper bag over his head (hence the voice mail message when you call) and went around catching rumors about upcoming games, deals between companies, new developers, changing strategic relations between developers and publishers, and so on. It caused quite a bit of a stir over the years, mainly because nobody could figure out who wrote it; it wasn't written in anything resembling Wilson's usual style, but it tended to leak information from closed meetings to which Russel Sipes (publisher and own of CGW before its purchase by Ziff-Davis) had not been. Let me quote a section from an interview with Johnny L. Wilson.

When I was young, I had been an admirer of Herb Caen’s three dot journalism in the San Francisco Chronicle (he put lots of interesting tidbits together and separated them with three dots). I liked getting lots of little pieces of information in one spot. Then, just before we launched Computer Gaming Forum, I noticed a column by one Robert X. Cringely in Info Week. This guy would leak all kinds of rumors from all over Silicon Valley, but he would tie them together with a fictitious story. When I started writing “The Rumor Bag,” I decided that I would take real locations but use a fictitious byline and a phony cover story to weave all of my rumors together.

“The Rumor Bag” was one of those columns that was either loved or hated. Some people erroneously thought that the fiction was keeping them from getting more rumors. It wasn’t. The fiction was just intended to be fun. And it was fun. One of the early rumor bags described a trip to The Magic Castle, a private club in Hollywood for stage magicians and aficionados. In the column, we overheard prospective investors in Three-Sixty Pacific talking about their upcoming plans. Now, Tom Frisina had told us those plans himself so that we could do a story on the new company, but he got into such a panic when he read “The Rumor Bag” that he called up all of his investors and asked which one of them had mouthed off at The Magic Castle. At that time, I knew that “The Rumor Bag” had potential. Another time, one of the attendees of the 3DO Developers Conference leaked some secrets to me about the new machine. I wrote it up as though I had attended the conference and, for several months, people were confused about who wrote “The Rumor Bag” because neither Russell nor I had attended the conference.

I still think the most amazing aspect of “The Rumor Bag” was the fact that at a time when a group of people online were bagging on CGW for how pretentious most of the editorial was and a fellow who worked at Sierra was ragging on me most of all, “The Rumor Bag” was cited as being extremely well-written. The Sierra employee had assumed that Russell had written all of “The Rumor Bag” columns because they were so much more readable than my style.
So yeah, little bit of history. Even at the time this was one of the more obscure references in the game, but if you did get it it was brilliant.
 
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friartucksduck said:
Eric the Unready- reference to either the Viking Eric the Red or the English King Æthelred the Unready, so called because of a pun; "ready" at the time meant advised or counseled, and his name translates as "Well counseled." Which makes him "Well counseled the uncounseled." Which is appropriate, because he couldn't have been more incompetent.

That's not what I remember from when I studied Æthelred the Unready (admittedly a long time ago), but I seem to remember that the moniker "the Unready" was not just a pun, but also a reference to the bad advisers that he had (and he was also never called this as far as we know until long after his death). Æthelred certainly made his fair share of mistakes, but "couldn't be more incompetent" seems to be more a myth of a man decried by early historians, when in actuality the problems that came about during his reign were likely due in no small part to a combination of various external factors that he had little control over (although general incompetence on his part probably played a factor too, but it's hard to know his true capabilities since most of the sources we have about that are so biased against him). Basically, he probably was quite a bit more competent than say a leader like Commodus, though it's hard to say anything definitively.

Oh and great LP :thumbsup:
 

Sceptic

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Divinity: Original Sin
SUNDAY: LE MORTE DE FUDD

Last time, we left Eric just as he was about to enter the mysterious room at the top of the tower...

eric_143.png

  • >up
    You clamber up the beanstalk.
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Ah, the glories of knighthood!

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Before we get the root beer float, let's go into the castle and see what we can do there.
  • >n
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If that line about the kindlings doesn't mean you can and should take them I'll cut one ball and my dick.

  • >Look at the kindling
    It looks like wood that would go up at the touch of a match.

    >Take the kindling
    You take the kindling from the fireplace.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Now the usual: look around, talk, attack, kiss.
  • >Look at the young knights
    The knights are eating and drinking like there is no tomorrow.

    >Talk to the young knights
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  • >attack knights
    Unseen by you, a knight gets down on all fours behind you. Another knight gives you a shove in the chest and you go tumbling over backwards. You scramble to your feet, red-faced with embarrassment.

    >kiss knights
    "Sorry. Wouldn't be chivalric, don't you know."

    >Look at the guard
    He's a tall, strapping guard.

    >kiss guard
    The guard merely raises an eyebrow, but that's enough to stop you in your tracks.

    >Talk to the guard
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Remember when Brother None seemed sceptical (hurr) of the Rhomboid Table? Well...
  • >Look at the Rhomboid Table
    Here it is! The Rhomboid Table! Fabled in legend and song, symbol of all that is good and noble. You gaze upon the table, waiting for its mystical power to manifest itself. Nothing happens. After a while, nothing continues to happen. No matter how long you stare at it, the table stubbornly refuses to look like anything other than an ordinary table.
Yeah.

Now let's go get that root beer float for Bud the Mighty Wizard.
  • >s
    Courtyard

    >s
    Village Square
    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the quest for the Holy Quail.

    >s
    Village Green

    >e
    Ice Cream Shoppe
The other item of interest here is the earmuffs Bobbin is wearing.
  • >Look at the earmuffs
    They look warm and fuzzy.

    >Take the earmuffs
    Bobbin says, "Hey! Leave those alone. It's cold in here!"
Well, we have kindlings that will go up in flames at the touch of a match, and a convenient fireplace. Wonder if we can do something about this?
  • >put kindling in fireplace
eric_162.png


I'm sure you're wondering what use they'll be. You'll see soon enough. But for now let's do something every single one of you has probably always wanted to do whenever faced with an obnoxious copy protection.
  • >burn warranty card
    Shouting, "Death to all copy protection schemes!" you toss the warranty card into the fire, where it is rapidly consumed.
:lol: OK enough fun, let's finish our little errand.
  • >Talk to Bobbin
eric_163.png

  • >give coin to Bobbin
    You give the gold coin to Bobbin. He messes around behind the counter for a few moments and then hands you a root beer float.
    Suddenly, another gold coin appears in your hand!
Cool, that'll be handy! Especially since we can also use the coin to hear the Epic of Balduran.

Now here's the kick: you can't fulfil Bud's quest. The beanstalk is gone, and so is the bean if you try to water it again. And there's no other way to get back into the top of the tower. The root beer will be useful later on, but the vanilla ice cream will melt after a few turns.
  • >drink root beer
    You take a little sip. The fizzies tickle your nose.

    >eat ice cream
    You snarf down the vanilla. Yum. You would never have been able to get it to the wizard before it melted anyway.
I almost thought the game was cheating the first time (shades of Infocom's games) but it's actually the truth, surprisingly enough. Didn't stop me from being paranoid all the way to the endgame.

If you do try and make it back to Bud:
  • >w
    Village Green

    >n
    Village Square
    Someone tosses the bard a copper penny. He pockets the coin and says, "I took my son to the opera. He sat through a half-hour and asked me, 'Why is somebody hitting that fat lady?'
    I said, 'Nobody's hitting her.'
    He said, 'Then why is she screaming?'"

    >n
    Courtyard

    >Look at the garden
    The garden has returned to normal.

    >water bean
    [There doesn't seem to be any bean here.]
At this point, while leafing through the hintbook to see if there was any easter egg involved with getting back to Bud, I stumbled on a hint related to the copy protection, where they mention to call a number (I assume Legend's support line back then) if you lose the manual. Naturally, I couldn't resist and called the number... in-game.
  • >call 1-800-658-8891
    "Thank you for calling Legend Entertainment Customer Support. Our hours of operation are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. If you are calling from within a game, please check the reality setting on your machine. Otherwise, please hold and Rosie will be right with you."
:lol:

Well, we've got the gold coin, and we've only got two things we haven't done: getting into the tower, and listening to the epic of Baldur. Since we couldn't seem to do the former (three guesses what happens if you try and give the gold coin to the guard), let's do the latter.
  • >s
    Village Square
    Someone tosses the bard a silver penny. He pockets the coin and launches into a long song about the apocalyptic ending of the world.

    >give gold coin to bard
    The bard abruptly stops singing and pockets the coin. He clears his throat and begins speaking:
    "'THE EPIC OF BALDUR'" he announces dramatically.
    "In the great days of Baldur, many years ago, when the land was dark, a brave knight ventured into the Forest of Doom..."
    Something about the bard's voice makes you want to close your eyes and drift off to sleep.
    Suddenly, you notice that another gold coin has appeared in your hand!
eric_164.png

  • >wait
    Time passes...
    You fight off another yawn. Everyone around you seems to have
    fallen asleep.

    >wait
    Time passes...
    You can't fight it any longer. You fall asleep. About twenty minutes later you wake up again just as the bard says, "...And thus endeth the Epic of Baldur."
In before jokes about another Baldur putting people to sleep.

Well what are we going to do about this? Remember the earmuffs we got from Bobbin? Remember how, when we talked to him while he wore them, he had sometimes trouble hearing us?
  • >wear earmuffs
    You put on the earmuffs. Everything seems a little quieter than it did before.

    >give gold coin to bard
    The bard clears his throat and begins speaking:
    "'THE EPIC OF BALDUR'" he announces dramatically.
    "In the great days of Baldur, many years ago, when the land was dark, a brave knight ventured into the Forest of Doom..."
    You can still hear the bard through the earmuffs, but somehow they are screening out whatever is making everyone else drowsy.
    Suddenly, you notice that another gold coin has appeared in your hand!

    >wait
    Time passes...
    Everybody around you starts to get drowsy.

    >wait
    Time passes...
    Everyone around you seems to have fallen asleep.

    >wait
    Time passes...
    Ponce sees that you haven't fallen asleep. Then he notices the earmuffs and says, "What a great idea! This story is so boring that even I have to work hard to stay awake."
eric_165.png


Tada! We have our own follower now! Not for long though. Think about it for a second though... if Ponce can put everyone in the Hall to sleep, what would happen to our ability to get up into the guarded tower?
  • >n
    Courtyard
    Ponce follows you.

    >n
eric_166.png


The way is now clear! Before we go up, talking to Ponce produces a couple of new lines.
  • >Talk to Ponce
eric_167.png

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Now, if you decide to waste too much time, the knights eventually wake up. Since you don't get a chance to put them to sleep again, this would normally result in a dead end. To avert this, the game will just kill you off. This being Eric The Unready, it will attempt to kill you off in the stupidest way possible.

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So let's not waste time and just go up while they all sleep. Only to uncover a sinister plot afoot...
  • >up
eric_171.png


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Uh-oh. What are we gonna do about this?
  • As you reach the bottom of the stairs, you hear the bard say, "And thus endeth the Epic of Baldur."
    The revelers slowly begin to awaken from their slumber.
    A drunken knight looks up at you and yells, "Hey! Ish the mighty Sir Amric hishelf. How didja get that quesh, sonny. It shoulda been me."
Before we do anything about this plot, we'll need to get the hell out of here before mayhem erupts.
  • >s
    A drunken soldier blocks your path and says, "Where do you think YOU'RE going, shorty?"
    Another knight speaks up. "You? Hah! I'M the one who should have received the quest. My armour is the shiniest of anyone here."
    "Oh yeah?" replies the first knight. "Blow it out your pauldron, pal."
This is NOT GOOD! Maybe we can escape back up the tower?
  • >up
    The alert guard blocks your path.
    The two warring knights leap to their feet. A third jumps between them and says, "Peace, brothers. This is no way for the Knights of the Rhomboid Table to behave."
    The two knights look at each other, lower their heads, and then simultaneously slug the interfering knight in the jaw. He staggers back into some other knights, who catch him and help him launch a counter-attack.
    Soon the entire room has become a chaotic melee of knights hacking and slashing at each other.
    Ponce looks at the warring behemoths and says, "That's good enough for me. I'm outta here." He gives you a copy of the commemorative book he gives all his clients, and then leaves.
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU. Well, if we're gonna get stuck in the middle of a fight, might as well be reading a book.
  • >read book
    As you open the book, a coupon flutters out and you grab it in midair. When you return your attention to the book, your eye falls on the lines, "In the great days of Baldur..." You immediately begin to feel sleepy, but you manage to snap the book shut before any serious damage is done.
eric_177.png


Saved by the wizard!

eric_178.png


Now let me interrupt this crowning moment of suspense with another in-joke about Spellcasting.
  • >foy banana
    A hazy image of Steve Meretzky floats in the air before you. The image speaks: "If you want to play one of my games, why don't you BUY it instead of messing around with weenie games like this one?"
    A much clearer image of Bob Bates appears in the air next to the obviously inferior Meretzky projection. "Beat it!" the second image says. "And don't swipe any of my game code while you're on your way out."
    Meretzky's image fades. Bates' image lingers a moment, looks around to make sure nothing is missing, and then disappears.
With that done, let's show them all who the real hero of the prophecy is!
  • >take banana
    You grasp the banana and pull it effortlessly from the stone. You turn to face the assembled multitude and raise the banana high over your head.
    "Behold!" you cry. "EXCALIBANANA!"
    You pause for dramatic effect, and then continue, "Ye are all witness - I have pulled the sacred banana from the stone!"
    The knights stare at you for a moment, and then one of them says, "Stupid quest, anyway." "Probably get killed," another says. "I'd bet on it," says a third.
    "How much?"
    "Ten gold pieces."
    "Will you give odds?"
    "Thousand to one."
    The knights cluster around the oddsmaker, trying to get a bet down against your success, and they all wander off in a clump.
    Suddenly the air around you shimmers and Bud the Wizard appears once again. This time, he has brought the furnishings of his room with him.
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  • [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
    Bud disappears, and once again you are alone.
So this is it. Five items (take that Bioware!) we need to get through to Lorealle. And Eric's only got a week to do it, so let's get on with it!

But first - remember I said each day had a time limit? From now on, every day, if you waste too much time, the thugs hired by Sir Pectoral will catch up to you, resulting in a game over.

eric_107.png


Now for some last bits of fun before we move on.
  • >fuck stone
    Ok. Press any key when you're finished having your way with the stone.
At this point the game will pause until you press a key, which will bring back the command line.

If you try to throw anything other than the banana into the pond:
  • >throw cloak in pond
    [Removing the cloak first.]
    An arm comes out of the water and catches the cloak. It hesitates a moment, as if looking the cloak over. Then it throws it back to you, gives you a one finger salute, and disappears back below the surface.
If you try to Yoohoo the banana while holding it:
  • >yoohoo banana
    You hear a faint busy signal and then a small female voice: "I'm sorry. The banana is already in use. Please try again later. Thank you for using Banana-net."
If you try to Yoohoo anything other than the banana:
  • >yoohoo cloak
    You hear a faint, weary voice explaining to someone else: "I TOLD him he could only use it on the banana. Is it MY fault he doesn't listen? Is it too late to get in on that betting pool?"
:lol:

And now, let us end the day and move on to the first stage of our quest for Lorealle!
  • >throw banana in pond
    An arm emerges from the water and catches the banana. It waves the fruit around three times and then slides back down into the water. As it disappears from sight, you hear a mighty thunderclap. The noise scares some horses that were grazing nearby. They bolt towards you. You catch a bridle, but can't control the horse. The herd thunders toward Ulric's House of Torches and levels the building completely.
    You lose your footing and get dragged several miles. By the time you work yourself free, you find yourself at the edge of the Enchanted Forest. Exhausted from your day's efforts, you lay down to rest.
Needless to say, every single day will end with Eric inadvertently destroying property, though poor Ulric gets it worse, since this is the second time his House of Torches gets levelled.

Now, onto the obligatory ominous Meanwhile sequence:

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Hey, she looks like another Wicked Witch I know.

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Worry not fair princess, Eric is already on his way! No need for a tracking number, just watch the trail of destruction.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
Wish RPGs take up the humor like this more often. It can be hard to execute, but man, serious atmosphere gets boring after a while.
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
No newspaper this update? Oh, well.

Rhomboid table- Round table
Holy Quail- Holy Grail
Baldur- Norse god
Bud the Wizard- Budweiser :roll:
Excalibanana et al- The Sword in the Stone and Excalibur, gifted by the Lady of the Lake (her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, yadda, yadda, no basis for a system of government, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.)
"You are my only hope"- Reminds us of another captive princess.
 

Sceptic

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Divinity: Original Sin
RK47 said:
Wish RPGs take up the humor like this more often.
Anachronox :smug:
Which is all the more awesome for doing both the humor AND the serious perfectly. In the same game.

friartucksduck said:
No newspaper this update?
There's one per in-game day, but I split Sunday into two updates because it was getting a little too long. I expect at least two other days will also have to be split, but I'll see as we go.

Bud the Wizard- Budweiser :roll:
I actually never noticed this one :lol:
 

Crooked Bee

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Codex 2013 Codex 2014 PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Codex 2016 - The Age of Grimoire MCA Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
The Crowbar of the Apocalypse

:thumbsup:

When you return your attention to the book, your eye falls on the lines, "In the great days of Baldur..." You immediately begin to feel sleepy, but you manage to snap the book shut before any serious damage is done.

:roll:
 

lightbane

Arcane
Joined
Dec 27, 2008
Messages
10,156
Awesome update, as expected. :love:


eric_175.png


It's me, or is he using too many belts? I find it hilarious that this game predicted future jrpg characters would randomly use belts as clothing.
 

random_encounter

Educated
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Late to this LP, but having fun catching up. An interesting change of pace from Gateway. I get the feeling that Bates had a lot of fun working on this.

Sceptic said:
>throw cloak in pond
[Removing the cloak first.]
An arm comes out of the water and catches the cloak. It hesitates a moment, as if looking the cloak over. Then it throws it back to you, gives you a one finger salute, and disappears back below the surface.

:thumbsup:

Also loved the Rumor Bag columns back in the day.

zvIjP.jpg
 

Sceptic

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Messages
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Divinity: Original Sin
MONDAY: THE NOT-SO-GREAT UNDERGROUND EMPIRE

eric_199.png

And this is where Eric's quest truly begins. The first item on the list is the Pitchfork of Damocles. But first, a few words on the backpack that Bud gave us. Whenever you transition to a new day, you lose most of your items (helps keep the inventory manageable). The ones that would still be useful will appear inside the backpack, as will items that you forgot to take. For example if we hadn't bought the root beer, needed today, it would've magically appeared inside the backpack with no explanation (in fact, I think avoiding these items is the only way to finish the game without a perfect score). For items that you cannot avoid taking, like Ponce's coupon, it would reappear in the backpack if you drop it at any point. Yeah I know, dumbing down.
  • >look inside backpack
    Within the backpack you can see a float, a coupon, a book and some Tort-Ease.
Now let's look around.
  • >Look at the sepulchre
    It's a blocky, squared-off affair with a heavy stone lid.

    >listen to sepulchre
    It's as silent as... As silent... Well, what would be a good metaphor here? I know! It's as silent as something that doesn't make very much noise at all.
Now you can see from the image that there's a whole bunch of gravestones around. The descriptions are random and tend to repeat a lot, but I think I managed to get them all.
  • >Look at the gravestones
    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Excuse me for not standing up."

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Don't Tread On Me."

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Tomb of the Unknown Adventurer."

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "Pardon My Dust."

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "I TOLD you I was sick!"

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "I KNEW this would happen if I lived long enough."

    You glance at one of the nearby stones. The epitaph reads, "This One's On Me."
Graverobbing is frowned on in Torus.
  • >open graves
    On Torus, the punishment for graverobbing is to switch places with the corpse for a full week. Not only is this unpleasant for the criminal, but after about five hot days the neighbors back home get pretty upset as well.
And of course there's the traditional newspaper. Happy reference-hunting! (most are easy though)
  • >Look at the newspaper
    [Taking the newspaper first]
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Another completely fabricated story.

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This will become hilarious in hindsight once we get to the end of this update.

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This is actually a pretty major hint for a much, MUCH later puzzle.

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Let's move deeper into the forest.
  • >w
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  • >Look at the tree
    It's a dour looking old specimen.

    >Look at the tree roots
    The roots are nasty, gnarled old things that look like they are lying in wait to trip you up.
He's not kidding either.
  • >w
eric_212.png


This will not go unpunished!
  • >attack tree
    The tree says, "Piss off, you wimp." You reflect on a more peaceful approach to this situation.

    >kiss tree
    Wonderful. Arborphilia. A new entry for the Meretzky Museum of Sexual Oddities.
:lol:

Did I mention the root beer would be useful today? I think you've figured out why.
  • >pour beer on roots
eric_213.png


Anyone insterested in the song itself?
  • >listen to roots
    "Oh, why did I ever leave Ireland? (sob)
    And my sweet dear old mother McCree? (sob)
    And the peat bogs and fields of potatoes? (sob)
    That now seem like heaven to me? (sob sob sob)"
Let's admire our handiwork and move on.
  • >Look at the tree
    The tree is quite happily kicking up its roots.

    >Look at the tree roots
    The roots are dancing wildly.

    >w
    You squeeze by the weaving roots and head deeper into the forest.
eric_214.png

  • >Look at the tree
    The tree is easily several hundred feet tall. High above you, its roots wave slowly in the breeze. The massive trunk just starts to branch out where it meets the ground, so if Bud's words are correct, then the Pitchfork of Damocles must be hidden underground.

    >look at roots
    The roots are high above you. Forget about 'em.
Gee, this pile of branches does look suspicious doesn't it.
  • >Look at the branches
eric_215.png


Aha!
  • >Look at the trap door
    It's a solid looking affair with a rusted iron ring set into it.

    >Look at the ring
    It's ancient and rusty and fairly screaming out to be pulled.
What are you talking about? Iron rings in trapdoors can't tal-
  • >listen to ring
    "Pull me! Pull me!"
Oh. Well fine if you insisit.
  • >Pull ring
eric_216.png


(Yes, the game does make a creaky-door sound effect at this point)
  • >Look at the stairs
    The stairs disappear into the Stygian gloom below.

    >down
    You start to feel your way down the stairs. As soon as you disappear below ground level, you hear a crash overhead. Looking up, you see the trap door quivering with satisfaction that it has lived up to its name.
    You continue down the stairs, and at the bottom you walk through a revolving spiked turnstile. On the other side of the door is a sign.
eric_217.png


Welcome to my LP of Eric The Unready Zork I! Wait what?!
  • >Look at house
    It's a small white house that looks hauntingly familiar to you, as if you had spent a long time there in a previous life. The door is closed and boarded up, but it looks as if one of the boards is a little loose.
Doing any action thankfully restores us to the right gameoriginal interface.

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Now here comes one of my favorite gags in the game. Remember the turnstile we went through, and the sign next to it?
  • >look
    West of House
    You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.
    A path winds off to the west, and to the north is the revolving spiked turnstile through which you entered. Next to the turnstile is a small, hand-lettered sign.
    You see a small mailbox here.

    >read sign
    "Do not back up. Severe hero damage!"

    >go through turnstile
    Having warned you about how dangerous this turnstile is, I should kill your character just for touching it. But adventure gaming is entering a kinder era, and instead of making you go through all that, I'll just stop the game for ten seconds.
The game actually stops for exactly ten seconds at this point.
  • There. Now don't do it again.
Of course, there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to resist this temptation.

eric_219.png


Notice that the North direction is no longer available on the compass? For that matter, the turnstile officially no longer exists in the game.
  • >Look at turnstile
    [There doesn't seem to be any turnstile here.]

    >look
    West of House
    You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.
    A path winds off to the west, and to the north is an empty space that's about the size of a turnstile. Next to the space is a small, hand-lettered sign.

    >n
    Geez. Persistent, aren't you? Well forget it. If I let YOU up there, then I'd have to let EVERYBODY go, and there's simply not enough room. Sorry.
Right, moving on!
  • >Look at the mailbox
    It's a very old mailbox that looks like it was borrowed from another game. It is currently closed.>Open the mailbox
    You open the mailbox and discover some mail.

    >Take the mail
    You take the mail from the mailbox.
    [Your score has just gone up by 2.]

    >read mail
    It's a notice from the Dwarves' Clearing House:
    "Yes, FONDOR BINDLECRANK, you may have already won the GRAND PRIZE in the 115th annual MAKE-A-WISH SWEEPSTAKES. Soon you and all the little BINDLECRANKS could be enjoying the dream of a lifetime. Simply bring this winning notice to our headquarters in the great cavern, and our courteous and friendly staff will tell you which of our FABULOUS PRIZES you have won, with ABSOLUTELY NO SALES PRESSURE to buy one of our magazines or sit through an incredibly boring presentation on vacation real estate."
Too bad Eric's not a dwarf, eh?

Now let's see about getting into the house.
  • >Look at the board
    It's definitely looser than the boards that surround it.

    >pull board
    You strain at the board but can't seem to make it budge.
Ah well, maybe later. Let's go exploring the NSGUE instead.
  • >w
eric_220.png

  • >Look at the branches
    The branches poke through the ceiling of the cavern. Nestled in the branches you see the pitchfork.

    >Look at the pitchfork
    It is the Pitchfork of Damocles, one of the objects that Bud the Mighty Wizard said you will need at the end of your quest.
Let's see what we can find in the two houses.
  • >ne
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Notice any resemblance to another adventure game character?
  • >Look at the rocks
    Fran's has more rocks, stones, precious metals, and unprecious metals for sale than you have ever seen at one time.

    >Look at Fran
    He wears plaid on plaid.

    >Look at the sign
    The signs are more distracting than helpful.

    >Talk to Fran
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Unfortunately we have no means of getting any of the rocks (and before you ask "Why would we want to?" - yes, we will need both), but we'll still get something on our way out.
  • >sw
    As you head for the door, Fran rushes up to you and says, "No first-time customer of Fran's ever leaves empty-handed." He thrusts a pickaxe into your hands. "This is a miner's starter kit, courtesy of the Torus Department of Public Works. Use it in good health, and next time you need a rock, be sure to come to Fran's."
    Cavern

    >s
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  • >Look at the clocks
    The clocks are cheap knock-offs that were stamped out on some mindless assembly line for pennies apiece.

    >Look at Ed McDwarf
    Well, he's a little on the short side. And he hasn't got much hair. And his ears are huge. But other than that, he's a real looker.

    >attack ed
    The dwarf kicks you in the knee.

    >Talk to Ed McDwarf
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Now we can have some fun with Ed by becoming as short as a dwarf.
  • >kneel
    A small voice in your head says, "Don't kneel NOW, you idiot. Go outside, kneel down, and THEN come back in."

    >n
    Cavern

    >kneel
    You kneel down.

    >s
    You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
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Well that seems to have fooled him.
  • >Talk to Ed McDwarf
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Derp.

Anyway, we have a pickaxe now! Just the thing to remove that loose board and explore the white house...
  • >n
    You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
    Cavern

    >get up
    You rise from the kneeling position.

    >e
    West of House

    >pull board with pickaxe
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  • >in
eric_244.png


Even the interior of the house looks very similar to the one in Zork, except for the contents of the locked case.
  • >Look at the trophy case
    The case is locked up tight.
    In the trophy case you see a beard.

    >Look at the beard
    It's a very convincing, very bushy false beard.

    >Open the trophy case
    Ah. Well. We have a slight difficulty there. The case appears to be locked, and as this IS an adventure game, I can hardly allow you to open it unless you supply the proper key. That quibble aside, however, I consider your input to have been absolutely first rate.
:D

Now, anyone who's played Zork KNOWS there's a trapdoor under the rug. And anyone who doesn't should STILL know that because it's like the oldest cliche in the book.
  • >Look at the rug
    It's a musty old rug that covers most of the floor.

    >move rug
eric_245.png

  • >Look at the trap door
    It looks extremely closed.

    >Open the trap door
    You struggle with the heavy door and manage to raise it a few inches.
    A muffled voice comes from somewhere down below: "Haven't you people bothered me enough already? Go away!" A frail white arm emerges and hands you a key. Then it disappears into the darkness again and pulls the door shut after it with a decisive "BANG!"
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]

    >Open the trap door
    "GO AWAY!"
:D

Well at least we did get the key. Let's grab the beard then head upstairs.
  • >Look at key
    It's a long, thin key made of pure white bone. Looking at it, you briefly wonder why they call them 'skeleton keys.' Then you shudder and turn your attention elsewhere.

    >unlock case
    [With the key]
    You unlock the case with the key and it swings open.

    >Take the beard
    You take the beard from the trophy case.

    >up
eric_246.png

  • >Look at the paintings
    The pictures are all masterpieces by Leonardo da Dwarf. (Miniatures, of course.)

    >Look at the pile of bones
    They're too long to be dwarvian bones. They must be human.

    >look in bones
    You sift through the pile and discover a driver's license which you immediately pick up.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]

    >look at license
    "Fondor Bindlecrank -- Age: 437. Height: 3 foot 6 inches." The picture is of a luxurious beard with what may be a dwarf behind it.
You're probably wondering what the human bones are doing here. The significance will become obvious once we make it into the attic... which we can't do for now.
  • >Look at the hole
    The opening into the attic is about two feet higher than you can reach.

    >up
    The opening is about two feet over your outstretched hands.
However, we now have the prize mail, some (fraudulent) ID AND the perfect dwarven disguise! Why not go claim our prize?
  • >down
    You race back down the stairs.
    Living Room

    >w
    You dash through the kitchen and out the hole in the door.
    West of House

    >w
    Cavern

    >s
    Publishers Clearing House

    >show mail to ed
    The dwarf hauls out a redwood clock and starts to hand it to you, then he gives the ticket a bored glance. "My gods! An actual winner!" He quickly recovers his composure and says, "Ahem, that is to say, ANOTHER winner, among many in our fine, absolutely legal with no hanky-panky, sweepstakes." He compares your number to one on his list. "Well, MISTER BINDLECRANK, I'm happy to say that you've won an all-expenses paid..." He glances up at you and frowns. "Wait a minute. You don't look like a dwarf. May I see some sort of ID please?"

    >show license to ed
    The dwarf glances at the picture on the license. "This doesn't look like you at all. The Fondor Bindlecrank in this photo has a big bushy beard."
    He hands back the license and the sweepstakes notice and says, "Be off with you. You're lucky I'm not calling the fraud squad."
This is what happens if you have the license but not the beard. If you wear the beard, but forget to kneel, his response is slightly different:
  • >show id to ed
    The dwarf glances down at the license. "It says here that you're 3 foot 6. You're much taller than that."
So, of course, the trick is to have both components of the disguise before going in. Incidentally, this also enables an amusing new dialog.
  • >kneel
    You kneel down.

    >wear beard
    You put on the beard.

    >s
    You shuffle off painfully on your knees.
    Publishers Clearing House

    >Talk to Ed McDwarf
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Now let's get our prize!
  • >show mail to ed
    The dwarf hauls out a redwood clock and starts to hand it to you, then he gives the ticket a bored glance. "My gods! An actual winner!" He quickly recovers his composure and says, "Ahem, that is to say, ANOTHER winner, among many in our fine, absolutely legal with no hanky-panky, sweepstakes." He compares your number to one on his list. "Well, MISTER BINDLECRANK, I'm happy to say that you've won an all-expenses paid..." He glances up at you and says. "Oh, I almost forgot. We've been getting some fraudulent claims recently. May I see some sort of ID please?"
I wonder who he means by that reference to fraudulent claims...
  • >show license to ed
eric_252.png


Wow, our very own amusement park, built right in front of our eyes! Now THAT is service! Let's go on some rides!
  • >se
    You try to get into the ever-popular "Dwarf Pirates of the Caribbean," but the lines are so long that you abandon the effort.

    >sw
    You enter a maze of twisty passages, all alike. After about twenty minutes you stumble back out.
Yes, it's another Zork reference (though this one was possibly lifted from Adventure first?) Anyway since I didn't take off the beard or get up from kneeling, I get all the messages about them at once. And as soon as we're back in human shape, we are approached by a family of dwarves.
  • The beard is really itching you. You begin to scratch wildly.
    You can't take the itching any longer. You rip off the beard.
    You tire of hobbling around on your knees and stand up again.
    A dwarf family wanders by. The father addresses your navel.
    "Great costume. The kids really go for that goofy looking human stuff. I worked my way through Rock U doing the same sort of thing." He presses a 20 zonkmid piece in your hand. "Good luck to you." The family wanders away.

    >look at coin
    It's a small coin with NSGUE imprinted on it.
Perfect! Just what we needed to buy the starter rock. But first, let's see what's in the booth to the west.
  • >w
eric_253.png


eric_254.png


Yeah, it's a game of memory. Kind of a timewaster really, but unfortunately needed to continue with the game. Thankfully it doesn't take very long.

eric_255.png


Yay magic slingshot! Now all we need is some ammo for it.
  • >ne
    Fran's Rock Emporium

    >Talk to Fran
eric_228.png

eric_229.png

eric_230.png

eric_231.png

eric_232.png

  • >kiss fran
    "Got a thing for short people, eh?"

    >attack fran
    The dwarf bites you on the ankle.

    >attack fran with pickaxe
    Right now, every night before your mother goes to bed, the last thing she says is, "At least I haven't raised an ax murderer." Let's not break the poor woman's heart.
:lol:
  • >buy starter rock
    Fran reaches below the counter and hands you a rock about half the size of a dwarf's fist. "For twenty zonkmids we have this fine starter rock. And with every sale a free bungee cord to lash the rock..." He stops in mid-sentence, looks first at the diminutive rock and then at the cord. "Oh well," he continues, "you might as well take the cord anyway. I got a deal on 'em."
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Alright! We've got both ammo for our slingshot AND a bungee cord! Let's go get the pirchfork!
  • >sw
    Cavern
    You are standing on the midway of a crowded carnival. Right next to you is a huge ferrous wheel whose cars almost brush the leaves of the tree hanging down from the cavern roof. To the west is a game booth. To the southeast and southwest are rides. Fran's Rock Emporium can still be entered to the northeast, the Dwarves' Clearing House is still visible to the south, and the little white house lies somewhere to the east.
    One of the seats of the ferrous wheel dangles in front of you. You see a lever here.
Ferrous wheel :roll:though it's pretty much the only way we have of getting close to the pitchfork.
  • >Look at the lever
    It's a three-foot lever that sticks up out of the ground. It is curiously free of any markings or labels.

    >get on wheel
eric_256.png

  • >Look at the ferrous wheel
    The ride is a huge, iron-spoked wheel, the upper cars of which graze the branches of the upside down tree at the roof of the cavern.
    At the moment, the wheel is stationary.

    >push green button
    You push the green button, but nothing happens.
Mmm. Maybe we need to pull that lever first?
  • >out
    You stand up and step out of the chair, relieved to be back on solid ground.

    >pull lever
    You throw the lever and hear a faint 'click'.

    >get in seat
eric_257.png

  • >wait
    Time passes...
    The wheel carries you back down to the starting position.
So here's the trick: we need to get the wheel to stop exactly at the top. Since the buttons are at the bottom we obviously can't reach them. We do have a view of the lever though... and why do you think we bothered getting the slingshot and rock for it?
  • >load slingshot with starter rock
    The rock fits snugly into the slingshot.

    >push green button
eric_258.png


Perfect! The pitchfork is ours!
  • >Take the pitchfork
    The branches are still just out of reach. Perhaps if you stood up...
OK, almost ours....
  • >stand up
    You stand up.

    >Take the pitchfork
    You stretch out and grab the pitchfork!
    [Your score has just gone up by 25.]
:yeah:one down four to go!

Now... how the hell do we get back down?
  • >jump
eric_259.png


OK, not the best idea. Can we hit that lever again to get the wheel running?
  • >take rock
    The starter rock is too far away.

    >fire slingshot at lever
    The slingshot isn't loaded.
:rage:

Hey wait, we did get a bungee cord didn't we?
  • >look at bungee cord
    It has the word "BUNGE-O-MATIC" emblazoned on it, with some fine print written below.

    >read fine print
    Knowing in your heart than only geeks read fine print, you nevertheless look at the small words.
    "Bunge-o-matic. The only magic bungee cord that automatically knows the task you have in mind for it and expands or contracts as needed."
    The even smaller print below reads, "The Bunge-o-matic has not been tested by any government agency and has not been approved for actual use. The Bungemart Corporation will not accept liability for any failure, catastrophic or otherwise, of the Bunge-o-matic. Have a nice day."
Well it's not like we have much of a choice...
  • >attach bungee cord to branches
    You hook one end of the bungee cord to a sturdy branch, and the other to your clothing. The cord seems to relax and lengthen, as if it knows you are about to ask it to stretch a long distance.

    >jump
    You do a swan dive off the seat. Gaining speed as you approach the floor of the cavern, you wonder if you should have read the small print on the bungee cord - the part where the lawyers say that if the product doesn't work, it's not their fault. At least, you think, I'm not trying this at home. Then, just as you come face to face with an ant, the bungee reaches its limit and snaps you back. You bounce a few times and then come to rest a few feet above the ground.
eric_260.png

  • >look at headrest rock
    It's a solid rock, about two feet thick. You couldn't imagine sleeping on anything more uncomfortable.
Gee, two feet? Remember what was exactly two feet out of our reach?
  • >e
    West of House

    >e
    Living Room

    >up
    Bedroom

    >drop rock
eric_261.png


And there's our way out! We don't need no turnstiles!
  • >up
eric_262.png


Before you start thinking "hurr lame joke", think again...

eric_263.png


Yeah, it's not a joke. Let's get out of here!
  • >look at ceiling
    It's a solid stone slab.

    >up
    You push aside the slab and climb out. You are in the middle of a graveyard. Mystic types surround the sarcophagus you just climbed out of. They were in the middle of some ritual. They drop their torches in panic and flee. The underbrush catches fire quickly and the forest starts to vibrate with a low rumble. You recognize the symptoms of a completed quest and do a little fleeing yourself.
    You run for what seems like hours through the dark forest, tripping and falling over roots, and scattering all your possessions to the four winds. At last you emerge on the other side and collapse in exhaustion on the road near a tavern.
Remember the human bones? That's why they're there, they fell through the attic and into the house. And what are all these people doing here? Well, the newspaper did mention something about an Elvis revival, and more importantly, about fans carrying the torch...

Before I go, have another ominous meanwhile.

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Was... was that a MacDonald's??? :rage:

That does it. We WILL NOT ALLOW GRIZELDA THE HEFTY ONTO THE THRONE!
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
... That was a McDonald's. Next to a mall. Hurry, Eric! Shit just got real!
So many incredibly awesome Zork and Monkey Island references this update! Hilarious! :lol:

References:
Pitchfork- Damocles thought it would be liberating to be king, and his master let him experience this, but had a sword hung over his head by a single hair until Damocles begged to be relieved of his new status. The "Sword of Damocles" is the ever-present threat to those in power.

Classifieds:
1: Peter Pan
2: Batman & Robin
3: The Man in the Iron Mask
4: Oliver Twist and The Barretts of Wimpole Street
5: The Odyssey
6: Frankenstein
7: Moby Dick

Ed McDwarf- Ed McMahon

Bones in the bedroom- in addition to the in-joke with Elvis, this is a reference to the planning stage for Zork I, in which wandering in the dark was met, not with grues, but with bottomless pits. The game designers realized there was a problem with this when characters in a dark attic fell into these "bottomless" pits. (This was also the inspiration for the quest to seal the bottomless pits Zork Zero.)
 

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