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Catastrophe ahoy! Let's Play Eric The Unready

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
WEDNESDAY: A DAY AT THE FAIR

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Welcome to the fair. This is probably the most difficult... well, least easy of the days. There's lots to do, the ultimate goal isn't terribly obvious, and there are a couple of red herrings. It's also pretty freeform, as some things can be done in any order and you have to go back and forth to get everything accomplished.

Our first order of the day, as usual, is to read the paper.
  • >Read Newspaper
    [Taking the newspaper first]
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Believe it or not, this is a hint for one of the first puzzles on Thursday.

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This is a subtle hint that the Chamberpot is one item you need to acquire (the reason for it being not terribly obvious at first).

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I really like the last one.

Let's have a look around, listen to the proclamation, chat with the herald, and so on.
  • >Look at the herald
    He's a heraldic looking herald.

    >Look at the scroll
    The herald catches you peeking at the scroll, clears his throat theatrically, and pronounces:
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  • >throw up
    The herald says, "It's OK to do that here, but don't let them catch you doing it inside."

    >Talk to the herald
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  • >kiss herald
    The herald clears his throat and proclaims at the top of his voice, "Hear ye! Hear ye! Be it known across the land that upon this day, Eric the Unready came out of the closet. Film at eleven."
:lol:
  • >attack herald
    "Oh sure," he says. "Kill the messenger. It's not MY fault there are so many bloody rules. As far as I'M concerned you can go inside and puke your brains out, not that you have that many to spare."

    >Look at the people
    The people are filled with the feeling of anticipation that precedes a special event. They have an eager look in their eyes, and their steps quicken as they approach the entrance.
The dragon with the Raw Steak (one of the Five Items we need) is actually quite nearby, though there's not much point in visiting right now, other than for a laugh.
  • >w
    As you follow the road up into the hills, the landscape grows darker and more forbidding until the road stops just below a black, jagged cave entrance. You scramble up the hillside and feel your way into the ominous shadows.
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  • You scramble down the hillside and don't stop running until you're back outside the fair.
    The herald looks at you and grins. "Been to see the dragon, have you? Well you're not going to get very far with him until you've got something to protect the top of your head from those flames of his."
This is actually a hint for the overall purpose of Wednesday: find various pieces of clothing (in the loosest possible sense) to protect Eric against the dragon's various attacks. With that in mind, let's go into the fair proper.
  • >n
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  • >Look at the chef
    The cook slowly turns the spit, mumbling to himself about having forgotten something. He wears a clean white apron that says, "Poke me with a fork, I think I'm done." Every once in a while an ember flies out of the fire and lands on the apron, but it doesn't seem to bother either the chef or the apron at all.

    >Talk to the chef
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  • >kiss chef
    The cook gives you an absent-minded peck on the cheek and continues mumbling. "Oysters? Rhino horn? Spanish fly...?"

    >attack chef
    "Geez!" he says. "My cooking ain't THAT bad!"

    >Look at the boar
    The boar is stretched out on the spit. The skewer runs right through its empty, gaping mouth.

    >Look at the spit
    The spit is hard-working and conscientious. It keeps the boar from falling into the fire, which is more than YOU'VE ever done with a boar. It's a good spit - the kind that would have made its mother proud, except spits don't have mothers, which is one reason they're all so melancholy.

    >turn spit
    The chef brushes you aside and says, "Not just anyone can turn a spit, you know. I took three courses in spit-turning at the academy, and my thesis 'Theories on the Advantages of Clockwise Rotation' won the Richard II Memorial Award."

    >Look at the boa
    It's a beautiful red scarf that, unfortunately, is far over your head.
If this doesn't scream "adventure game puzzle" I don't know what will.
  • >Look at the maypole
    It's about thirty feet tall and greased within an inch of it's life. From the very top of the pole, a long red boa flutters invitingly in the breeze.

    >climb maypole
    You try to climb the greased pole but make absolutely no progress.

    >clean maypole
    If seven maids had seven mops, perhaps they could get it clean in seven years. But you don't have seven maids, you don't have seven mops, and I'm not waiting around seven years for you to figure this one out.
I love that recurring reference :lol:

There's nothing we can really do here for now, but keep in mind the boa and the chef. This is also the hub screen of sorts, so we'll be passing through quite a lot. First, let's go explore east.

  • >e
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  • >Look at the stocks
    The stocks are currently empty.
Nothing here for now either.
  • >e
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One of the items we need is the prize for winning the competition. Unfortunately the judges are really dour.
  • >kiss judges
    "Nope. Not funny at all," says one of the judges.
    The judges score your activity. They throw out the high and the low score, giving you a 2.9.
    One of them says. "You'll have to do much better than that if you hope to win your fool's cap."

    >attack judges
    One of the judges bops you over the head and says, "That may be funny where YOU come from. But here it doesn't rate much of a chuckle."
    The judges score your activity. They throw out the high and the low score, giving you a 2.0.
    One of them says. "You'll have to do much better than that if you hope to win your fool's cap."
Again, we'll be back later. Let's backtrack to the main grounds for now.
  • >w
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On the way back, we stop by the stocks and notice there's quite more activity this time.
  • >Look at the prisoner
    He looks resigned to his fate, although occasionally he responds to the taunts of the crowd. When he does so, every word with an 's' is accompanied by a spray of spittle that moves everybody back a good two paces.

    >Talk to the prisoner
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  • >kiss prisoner
    Nope. I draw the line at bondage scenes. For that kind of action you'll have to get some other, much less reputable game (like S301: SPRING BREAK).
:lol:
  • >attack prisoner
    "Thure," he says. "Hit a guy while he'th down."
Eric, being the chivalrous knight, decides to shorten the poor man's misery by taking his place. You can pick any of the forbidden activities listed by the herald, they all lead to the same outcome.

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  • >get out
    You cannot get out of the stocks. There is no escape.

    >get out
    Didn't I just SAY there was no escape? Did you think I was joking? Am I some kind of CLOWN to you? Do you think I am here to AMUSE you? ... You do? Oh. Well. OK, then. But I'm still not letting you out of the stocks.
Yep, nothing to do but wait it out.
  • >Look at the fairgoers
    The crowd jeers and laughs at you.
    An angelic looking young boy toddles along next to his father. The father says to him, "You've been such a good boy, Beauregard. Here's a nice shiny apple." The father turns away for a moment and the boy sticks his tongue out at you.

    >Look at the father
    He's the least weird-looking of all everyone in the crowd, which isn't saying much.
    The boy makes a face at you.

    >Talk to the father
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  • >Look at the boy
    He looks like a spoiled brat.
    The boy makes a face at you.

    >Talk to the boy
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Notice how the boy keeps making a face? Now remember that when the prisoner was in there, whenever he made a face it seemed to encourage the jeering crowd. Putting two and two together:
  • >make face
    The boy throws the apple at you, striking you on the nose. The apple rolls into your pile of possessions.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Neatly fell into our temporarily-external inventory too!
  • The father tugs on the boy's hand and says, "Come along now. It's time to leave." The boy starts to protest, but the father pulls him off into the crowd.
You don't need to wait a huge length of time before you're let out (it's only 10 minutes after all) but I did this a few times and collected some of the random messages you get while waiting.
  • >wait
    Time passes...

    You get a cramp in your leg.

    An urchin steps forward and holds a dead stinking rat just under your nose.

    A dog comes up and licks you on the cheek.

    A mosquito crawls into your ear and settles down to have lunch

    A fly lands on your forehead, walks slowly down between your eyes, and then takes off.

    You get an itch between your shoulder blades.

    Someone comes up and tickles your nose with a feather. You are powerless to stop him.

    A chicken comes and pecks at your feet.

    The nymph returns. She opens the stocks, restores all your possessions, and disappears.
Now that we're done here we can go back to the fairgrounds and check out the game to the west.
  • >w
    Fairgrounds

    >w
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  • >Look at the trees
    Like all trees on Torus, they look green and brimming with health.
    The elf turns his attention elsewhere.

    >Look at the elf
    He's a very normal looking elf, if you don't count the fact that he's got three arms.

    >Talk to the elf
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  • >attack elf
    "Shame on you - beating up on a poor little elf." He kicks you in the shins.
With that all done, let's play his little game.
  • >play
    "Certainly sir," says the elf. He puts the pea under the green shell and starts moving the shells around. After a moment, he stops and says, "Alright. Where's the pea?"

    >green
    You turn over the green shell, but discover nothing underneath it. The elf turns over the red shell to reveal the pea and says, "Sorry. Better luck next time." You suddenly feel a few minutes older, while the elf appears a few minutes younger.
As far as I know, there is no way to ever win just by guessing. The game does have an undo function, however, and now that we know it's the red shell, we can just undo our last move and pick the red shell!
  • >undo
    [Undone.]
    The elf peers out through the computer screen and notices your maneuver. He points skyward and shouts, "LOOK! It's Halley's Comet!!!" You glance up, and out of the corner of your eye you catch the elf reshuffling the shells.

    >look under red shell
    You turn over the red shell, but discover nothing underneath it. The elf turns over the blue shell to reveal the pea and says, "Sorry. Better luck next time." You suddenly feel a few minutes older, while the elf appears a few minutes younger.
Yep, the devs think of everything.
  • One of the strolling musicians wanders by. He plays the game and wins, but turns down the prize.
Mmm, wonder how he pulled that off!
  • >look at musician
    He's wearing really cool-looking sunglasses and holding a hornpipe.

    >Look at the hornpipe
    The hornpipe resembles a bagpipe, except a bagpipe usually looks like nine cats are trying to get out of it at once. Come to think of it, that's what a bagpipe usually SOUNDS like, too.

    >talk to musician
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  • The musician wanders off into the crowd.
Nothing we can do here for now, though do note that the musician needs a reed. In the meantime let's check the other game area.
  • >e
    Fairgrounds

    >ne
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  • >Look at the barker
    He's eyeing the wenches who are wandering by the booth.
    A woman with a low-cut bodice walks past the pavilion. The barker clutches his chest and says, "I'm in love!"

    >Talk to the barker
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  • >kiss barker
    You give the barker a peck on the cheek. He seems surprised, but then quickly recovers his composure.

    >attack barker
    "Rule #1. Never attack a man who runs a weapons booth."
Let's win all three prizes!
  • >shoot target
    The crossbow strikes a target!
    "Congratulations!" says, the barker. He tosses you a chicken.

    >shoot target
    You fire the crossbow, but the quarrel misses the targets.

    >shoot target
    The crossbow strikes a target!
    "Congratulations!" says, the barker. He gives you a whoopee cushion.

    >shoot targetThe crossbow strikes a target!
    "Congratulations!" says, the barker. He gives you a noise maker.
What we'd really like, however, is the crossbow. But we can't take it out with us, at least not until we find some way to distract the barker.
  • > sw
    The barker reaches out and grabs the crossbow. "Can't have people walking off with the equipment," he says.
    Fairgrounds
Since we're here, we can solve the chef's little problem. What do you think is missing from a boar roasting with a half-open mouth?
  • >give apple to chef
    The cook slaps himself on the forehead and says, "THAT'S what I've been missing." He puts out the fire and says, "Thank you. Now I can deliver this pig." He removes his apron and rolls up his sleeves. Then he calls his assistant and the two of them hoist the spit up onto their shoulders and carry away the boar.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]

    >Take apron
    You take the apron.
And we have our first protective gear against the dragon! (if you were expecting a typical fantasy enchanged armor, you're obviously playing the wrong game)

Time to have a look at the amphitheatre to the north.
  • >n
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  • >read sign
    "TODAY'S EVENTS
    11:00 am: The Story of the Dragon
    Noon: Lily
    1:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain
    2:00 pm: Lily
    3:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain
    4:00 pm: The Jugglers Vain"
We're gonna have to see all three shows (this is the only Day with time-dependant events like this, where you have to wait until certain hours to advance), and it's almost 11, so let's just wait it out.
  • >get on stage
    You leap onto the stage and belt out a quick chorus of 'THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS' and then slink back to your seat.

    >wait
    Time passes...
    The amphitheatre fills up. A storyteller comes out onto the stage.
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  • The storyteller leaves the stage and the amphitheatre empties, marking the end of the tale.
Not exactly your typical fantasy fare is it! I particularly like the bit about junk mail.

This update is getting long, so I'll just move us into the next area, and we'll continue from there tomorrow.
  • >w
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Coyote

Arcane
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
1,149
So this is still going? :yeah:

Oedipus: a reference to the play Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, in which the titular character unwittingly kills his father and marries his mother.
Elrod of Mealyone: a reference to a fantasy series about a character named Elric of Melnibone. The name Drizzlebringer is a reference to one of the books, Stormbringer, but I'm not sure what Sniffleblade refers to (I've never actually read the series).
D. Gray: a reference to The Picture of Dorian Gray, a story about a man who sells his soul to avoid aging (a portrait of him ages in his place).
R.V. Winkle: a reference to a story about a man, Rip Van Winkle, who falls asleep for several (20?) years.
Shylock: a reference to The Merchant of Venice, a play in which a man named Shylock demands a pound of flesh from a man to whom he lent money who cannot pay him back.
L.J. Silver: a reference to Treasure Island, in which a pirate named Long John Silver seeks a treasure buried by his former captain (I think. I last read it several years ago.).

I thought I saw another reference or two throughout the rest of the update, but I forgot what they were by the time I reached the end, so I'll leave them to someone else.
 

Fowyr

Arcane
Vatnik
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
7,671
eric_477.png

So fun and evil puzzle. :)
Also you should tried to poke chef with the Pitchfork of Damocles.
 

Erebus

Arcane
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
4,763
Coyote said:
I'm not sure what Sniffleblade refers to (I've never actually read the series).

Mournblade, Stormbringer's largely pointless twin.

Pretty funny update ! The story of the dragon was quite amusing, especially the constantly moving weak point.
 

Fowyr

Arcane
Vatnik
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
7,671
Finished it. My respect for the Legend Entertainment increased tenfold. I wonder how this company ended with passable Return to Na Pali and abysmal Unreal 2. Anyone can shed this wisdom on me?
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
Giant foot destroys Blicester- a fine endnote to a brilliant string of Monty Python references.
The cook- "Don't call me Shirley." - Airplane. "Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme" is a line from Scarborough Fair. Oysters, rhino horn, and Spanish fly are all aphrodisiacs.
This one's a real event too, and not really a reference here, but "climbing the greasy pole" is a cool British slang term for power politics.
"Did you think I was joking? Am I some kind of CLOWN to you? Do you think I am here to AMUSE you?" - Clown speech from GoodFellas.
The dragon's tale- Achilles, though he only had the one weak spot.
The dragon's "Semi-Precious"- Gollum and his ring in Lord of the Rings, but with a cheaper stone.
The pavilion of tomorrow- The World/Homes/Lives/Mall of Tomorrow at various World's Fairs.
Bizarre assortment on the table- looks like we're headed for a Rube Goldberg-style puzzle.

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:lol:
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
friartucksduck said:
"Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme" is a line from Scarborough Fair.
"Did you think I was joking? Am I some kind of CLOWN to you? Do you think I am here to AMUSE you?" - Clown speech from GoodFellas.
Nice finds! Never noticed these two. The game's chock full of fun stuff.

Fowyr said:
Also you should tried to poke chef with the Pitchfork of Damocles.
Damn it! I knew there must be some way to poke him but I didn't think of the pitchfork (yeah I know...). If you've got a save not too long before please take a screenshot and post it!

Finished it. My respect for the Legend Entertainment increased tenfold.
They really are awesome aren't they :love:

I wonder how this company ended with passable Return to Na Pali and abysmal Unreal 2. Anyone can shed this wisdom on me?
Long story short: their last couple of games sold poorly due to REALLY shitty marketing by their publisher. Callahan's is a wonderful little game but Take 2 didn't put any ads for 4 months before the game shipped, reneged on some contract clauses, pushed the release date earlier... Josh Mandel (game designer, who you may remember from Sierra) had a lot of nasty things to say about them. Blackstone Chronicles was published by Red Orb as Broderbund was bought by Learning Company, which resulted in Red Orb being thrown to the wolves and Blackstone Chronicles again getting very poor marketing. Compare the complete lack of buzz both games had with how much was generated for Legend's previous games (Shannara and Mission Criticial). I think they lost money on both Callahan and Blackstone and so had to sell out to GT to stay alive, and of course GT was not interested in high quality adventure games (this was 1998 by then) and assigned them to FPS games: first Wheel of Time, then Unreal.

And that's the sad story.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
WEDNESDAY: RAW STEAK AND DRAGON TARTAR

Previously on Eric The Unready, we had just listened to the story of the dragon. We've had our fun puttering around the fair, but now we're onto our main goal: gathering enough defenses against the dragon, and of course a way to get rid of it in more permanent fashion than with excess junk mail.

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We left off at the Pavilion of Tomorrow, which as Fowyr pointed out is a great puzzle. However we won't be completing it just now, instead we'll just look at everything for now and come back later in this update. Enjoy the descriptions.

  • >Look at the chamberpot
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The newspaper, you'll recall, mentioned the chamberpot as the centerpiece of the expo. And believe it or not, the goal of the puzzle it to actually get it. More later.
  • >Look at the catapult
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  • >Look at the leech
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The only item here no related to the chamberpot puzzle, but we'll also need it.
  • >Look at the aardvark
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  • >Look at the viper
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  • >Look at the hoop
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  • >Look at the gong
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  • >Look at the Crush-o-Matic
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  • >Look at the rubber band
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Let's grab the items we need.
  • >Take the rubber band
    You take the rubber band from the table.

    >Take the leech
    Carefully, you pick up the giant slug, taking care to ensure that its sucker has no chance to attach itself to your skin.
Now let's have some fun before we leave.
  • >Look at the cage
    The cage has a hole big enough to put your hand in.

    >put hand in hole
    Let's think this thing through. Sure there's a hole big enough to put your hand through. But why take a chance, unless there's something specific that you want to accomplish. (Of course if there IS something you want to do to the viper, you could always just say what it is.)

    >pet snake
    Thinking very hard about the time you played hooky from school, you put your hand into the cage. You run your hand slowly along the viper. It glares at you. Then, still moving slowly, you withdraw.

>kiss aardvark
Interesting thought. But if this guy slipped you the tongue it could be fatal. You quietly decide not to take the chance.

>attack aardvark
The aardvark gazes at you with a hurt expression, and you immediately are overcome with remorse and retract your input.

>look inside chamberpot
If you were hoping to get some really gross message about the awful, disgusting, foul-smelling, stomach-wrenching muck that can usually be found sloshing around in the bilges of a chamberpot, I guess you lucked out.

>cover cage with apron
A psycho-zoological nymph appears and says, "Please do not put anything on the viper's cage. It disrupts the snake's delicate biorhythms and may cause him to experience an anxiety displacement which, if untreated, could easily escalate to a traumatic catharsis of a disruptive and virulent nature."
The nymph disappears, but is quickly replaced by a psycho-babble translation nymph who says, "She means you'll piss him off."
You blink your eyes and the second nymph is gone.

>Look at the marble
It's a small black marble about the size of a large beetle.[/LIST]
Gee look at the time! We're going to miss Lily's how if we stay here too long, and we don't want to miss out on Lily! So back to the amphetheatre.
  • >e
    Amphitheatre

    >wait
    Time passes...
    The auditorium fills with fairgoers eager to see the famous songstress, Lily.
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  • As you get ready to leave, an usher comes up to you and hands you a note.

    >read note
    "I saw you out fwont duwing the show. Please meet me in my dwessing woom. --Lily."
We get our own private audience with Lily! :bounce:
  • >n
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Yes, everything, even the descriptions, will have W instead of R while awound Lily.
  • >Look at Lily
    She's a wawe beauty.

    >Talk to Lily
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  • >Look at the miwwow
    You see a hazy weflection of yourself.

    >Look at the dwawing
    It's a fwamed dwawing of the actor, Wobin Williams.

    >Look at the vase
    Within the vase you can see a weed.

    >Look at the weed
    It's a frail weed.
I'm not sure if this is an oversight or if there's a reason for frail to have survived the W onslaught.
  • >Take the weed
    "Bwing me the boa, big boy, and you can have anything you want."

    >put leech on lily
    A legal nymph from the firm of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe appears and says, "You've got good instincts, kid. You'll make a fine lawyer one day. Look us up when you've finished your quest."
Anyway we're done having fun here. Let's go get that boa. For that we need an item we don't have yet, so let's catch the Jugglers' act and get it.
  • >s
    Amphitheatre

    >wait
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  • >attack jugglers
    You rush the stage. One of the jugglers claps his hands and shouts, "Hey!" Another comes up behind you and shouts, "Ho!" and then tosses you onto the shoulders of the first. They throw you around for a while and then flip you back into your seat.
    Someone in the crowd tosses a lighted torch up onto the stage. The jugglers field it flawlessly and work it into the intricate pattern of objects they are handling. After a while, they toss it back into the crowd, where it disappears.
Yes, the point is that they can juggle anything. And of course, our goal is to give them something they cannot juggle. How about something that will stick to them like a leech?
  • >throw leech to jugglers
    You toss the leech to the jugglers. As soon as one of their special gloves touches the huge sucker, the leech sticks fast. Another juggler comes over to try and help, but his glove gets stuck as well. It quickly becomes apparent to the crowd that the jugglers have failed the challenge, and they begin to boo.
    The performers sheepishly remove their gloves, drop them on the stage, and slink away. Once they are gone, the amphitheatre quickly empties and the leech crawls away.
    [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Special gloves that will stick to anything... you're thinking what I'm thinking?
  • >Take the gloves
    You take the gloves from the stage.

    >s
    Fairgrounds

    >wear gloves
    You put on the gloves.

    >climb maypole
    The gloves stick to the pole like jelly to a baby's face. You clamber up to the top of the pole and pluck the boa from its perch. You wave it over your head in triumph and then slide back down to the ground, where you are greeted with cheers from the assembled crowd.
    [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
:yeah:

Now let's go get our, err, reward from Lily.
  • >n
    Amphitheatre

    >n
    The guard recognizes the boa and grudgingly ushers you into Lily's boudoir.
    Dwessing Woom
    Lily meets you as you come in and says, "Ewic! How thwilling!"
    I'm delighted to see you again so soon, especially if it means you have wecovered my boa."

    >give scarf to lily
    "Oh Ewic! How thwilling!" She throws her arms around you and gives you a kiss. Then she wraps the boa around your neck and says, "You may weaw this as my champion, as you begin the second half of the quest to pwove that you love me."
    "SECOND part?" you cry. "But I did as you asked."
    "Wapelling up a gweased pole shows agility, Ewic," she replies. "And agility is nice, but it doesn't pwove that you have the stwength and dawing I cwave. To demonstwate that, I must ask you to bwing me the head of the Wavenous Waven of Wangoon." She hands you the weed from the vase. "The Waven will eat anything, as his name implies, but he especially loves this kind of weed. You can use it as bait to entwap him."
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
BLUEBALLED AGAIN :x
  • >Talk to Lily
eric_507.png

eric_508.png

eric_509.png

eric_510.png


Maybe we can try to force ourselves onto Lily?
  • >kiss lily
    "No, no, Ewic. No nookie until you bwing me the Waven's head."

    >attack lily
    "Sowwy, Ewic. No wough stuff."
Not that kind of game.

Anyway in case you're wondering, the whole Raven Waven thing is a red herring. Eric won't be getting too cozy with Lily as this quest simply doesn't exist in the game (besides... what would Lorealle think if she found out?). However we did get something out of it, namely the weed... or reed... remember someone was missing a reed somewhere?
  • >s
    Amphitheatre

    >s
    Fairgrounds

    >look at weed
    [There doesn't seem to be any weed here.]

    >look at reed
    It's a frail reed.
Yes, items revert back to their "R"eal selves once out of Lily's boudoir.
  • >w
    Shady Area
    One of the strolling musicians wanders by. He plays the game and wins, but turns down the prize.
And this is it.
  • >give reed to musician
    The musician's eyes light up. "Oh Thank You!" he cries. "I'm back in business! Is there anything I can do to repay you?"
    "Well," you say. "Now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind having a look through those sunglasses."
    "You can keep 'em," the musician says. "It's a small enough reward for what you have done for me." He hands you the sunglasses and runs off to find the other members of his band.
    [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Now, remember the musician was constantly winning the elf's little game? Think those glasses had anything to do with it?
  • >wear glasses
    You put on the sunglasses.

    >play
    "Certainly sir," says the elf. He puts the pea under the blue shell and starts moving the shells around. After a moment, he stops and says, "Alright. Where's the pea?"
    The magic glasses reveal that the pea is under the red shell.

    >red
    You turn over the red shell.
    The elf's face falls and he looks quite a bit older. "You win," he says. He gives you the woodcuts. "I've got to go find a spot where people don't have glasses like that. I'm not getting any younger, you know." He packs up his gear and leaves.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Let's have a look at our prize.
  • >look at woodcuts
    It's a collection of woodcuts that show silhouettes of Lily in a variety of poses that make your eyeballs sweat and your ears steam.
Yep, fapping material. Who do you think might be distract enough by the fapping material to allow us to get something we otherwise couldn't?
  • >e
    Fairgrounds

    >ne
    Shooting Gallery
    The barker gives you a crossbow and says, "Shoot at any target you like."

    >give woodcuts to barker
eric_503.png


And the net result is that, as we walk out with the crossbow, he won't notice and take it back from us.
  • >sw
    The barker pays you no attention as you leave.
    [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
    Fairgrounds
And of course the first instinct now that we have it:
  • >shoot crossbow at crowd
eric_504.png


I think this is the only game over at the fair (other than the usual one for running out of time, which due to having to wait is probably the most possible place this could happen).

NOW it's time for the Pavilion of Tomorrow!
  • >n
    Amphitheatre

    >w
    Pavilion of Tomorrow
As friartucksduck guessed, this is a Rube Goldberg-style puzzle... in reverse.
  • >Take the chamberpot
    As you reach for the chamberpot, your hand accidentally brushes up against the catapult. The hair-trigger on the catapult fires. The black marble arches through the portable window, nearly misses the window shade, and strikes the gong.
    A very large, very stupid troll lumbers into the room. "Display not touch!" he recites mechanically. He finds the marble and reloads the catapult. Knuckles dragging against the floor, the troll lumbers away again.
Instead of you the player having to construct the puzzle (a la Incredible Machine), everything's already in place to ring the gong, and your goal is to make sure the gong doesn't ring out, by removing all obstacles that take the marble towards it, one at a time. The first one's easy, as all we need to do is close the shade on that circular window.
  • >Close the shade
    You lower the shade.

    >Take the chamberpot
    As you reach for the chamberpot, your hand accidentally brushes up against the catapult. The hair-trigger on the catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the viper's cage, falling directly into the viper's open mouth. The snake closes its mouth and makes ready to swallow the marble. Seconds later he realizes his mistake and he spits the marble out at high velocity. It strikes the gong with a resounding "CLANG!".
    A very large, very stupid troll lumbers into the room. "Display not touch!" he recites mechanically. He finds the marble and reloads the catapult. Knuckles dragging against the floor, the troll lumbers away again.
The snake is a little trickier. You will remember from earlier in this update that we can't cover the cage, so we need another way to stop the snake from swallowing the marble. Fortunately, that hole in the cage is here for a reason.
  • >tie snake with rubber band
    Thinking very guilty thoughts, you put your hand inside the cage and slip the band over the viper's mouth. The snake tries to hiss at you, but it comes out, "Mmphmftk...."

    >Take the chamberpot
    As you reach for the chamberpot, your hand accidentally brushes up against the catapult. The hair-trigger on the catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the viper's cage and hits the viper square on the head. The marble rolls out of the cage. The aardvark mistakes the marble for a large, particularly juicy black bug and starts to give chase. He scurries across the table and crashes into the gong.
    A very large, very stupid troll lumbers into the room. "Display not touch!" he recites mechanically. He finds the marble and reloads the catapult. Knuckles dragging against the floor, the troll lumbers away again.
Nice little touches in the game: initial description of the marble says it looks like a beetle.

Now what to do about the aardvark? We need to stop it from moving around. Thankfully we have an item from much earlier.
  • >tie aardvark with bungee cord
eric_505.png

  • >Take the chamberpot
    As you reach for the chamberpot, your hand accidentally brushes up against the catapult. The hair-trigger on the catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the viper's cage and hits the viper square on the head. The marble rolls out of the cage. The aardvark mistakes the marble for a large, particularly juicy black bug and starts to give chase, but is soon pulled up short by the bungee. Not to be stopped, the aardvark unfurls his incredibly long tongue, which unfortunately gets entangled in the switch that activates the Crush-o-Matic. The huge weight falls to the floor and slams into a floorboard which immediately pivots up and crashes into the gong.
    A very large, very stupid troll lumbers into the room. "Display not touch!" he recites mechanically. He finds the marble and reloads the catapult, then he winds the Crush-o-Matic's weight back up to the top. Knuckles dragging against the floor, the troll lumbers away again.

    >look at floorboard
    The loose board pivots in the floor like a see-saw.
Now here's where it gets a little more interesting: how do we stop the floorboard from moving? There's nothing we have to bolt it in place or anything similar. We need some heavy weight on it...
  • >stand on floorboard
    You stand on the end of the board furthest away from the crusher.
Hey that might work!
  • >Take the chamberpot
    As you reach for the chamberpot, your hand accidentally brushes up against the catapult. The hair-trigger on the catapult fires. The black marble arches through the air and hits the closed window shade. The marble drops down into the viper's cage and hits the viper square on the head. The marble rolls out of the cage. The aardvark mistakes the marble for a large, particularly juicy black bug and starts to give chase, but is soon pulled up short by the bungee. Not to be stopped, the aardvark unfurls his incredibly long tongue, which unfortunately gets entangled in the switch that activates the Crush-o-Matic. The huge weight falls to the floor and slams into the loose floorboard, sending you flying up into the air. You do a double somersault in the air and land butt-first in the chamberpot. You stagger to your feet and tug at the pot, but it is now firmly attached to your backside. The marble seems to have disappeared, and the only positive note is that your activity doesn't seem to have alerted the troll.
    [Your score has just gone up by 15.]
... though not necessarily in the way you'd expect. But we did get the chamberpot!

Now let's see if we can recover our bungee cord and rubber band.
  • >take cord
    You remove the bungee from the aardvark's collar.

    >take rubber band
    The gleam in the viper's eye suggests that removing the rubber band would be the next to last thing you would ever do. (The very last thing, of course, would be to clutch your throat in agony and say, "GGGCHCHTKKKkkk...")
Forget it...

One last thing to do before facing off the dragon:
  • >e
    Amphitheatre

    >s
    Fairgrounds

    >e
    Stockade

    >e
    Fool's Pavilion
    You have stumbled into a convention of fools.
    You see some scorecards here.
    A burly looking fool comes up to you, hits you with a pig's bladder and says, "Fool's auditions this way." He sits you down in front of three sour-faced judges. "Go ahead," one of them says. "Be funny."

    >sit on cushion
eric_506.png


Yes, the judges are easily amused after all.

Now let's head back to the fair entrance.
  • >w
    Fairgrounds

    >s
    Entrance
Time for the dragon! We need 3 things: protection all over the body, the ability to see his shifting weak spot, and a weapon. We have the crossbow, the magic glasses will show his weak spot, and as for protection, we have the chamberpot for the buttocks, the gloves for the hands, so all we need is something for the head and something for the chest.
  • >wear cap
    You put on the fool's cap.

    >wear apron
    You put on the apron.
Let's go kick some dragon ass!
  • >w
eric_511.png

  • >Look at the dragon
    The Stygian Dragon is the most dreaded beast on all of Torus. His eyes are like burning coals, his talons like sharpened scythes. Many a brave knight has fallen victim to his fiery onslaughts, and many more will die in the future unless you do something about it.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his tail.
    The dragon flames your hands, but the gloves protect you from the attack.

    >Look at the steak
    It is the Raw Steak of Eternity, one of the objects that Bud the Mighty Wizard said you will need at the end of your quest.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his talons.
    The dragon flames your chest, but the apron protects you from the attack.

    >kick dragon
    You whang your foot off the dragon's tough hide. The dragon starts laughing so hard he almost keels over. You'd probably find this reaction much more amusing if you weren't dodging the flames that spew out of his mouth each time he laughs.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his breast.
    The dragon flames the top of your head, but the fool's cap protects you from the attack.
:lol:

Anyway, as you've noticed, his weak spot shifts each round, and he attacks every time as well. We have no trouble with attacks thanks to being protected everywhere, and since we can see the weak spot let's just shoot it!
  • >shoot dragon's breast
    You fire the crossbow at the breast, but before the quarrel strikes, the vulnerable spot moves. The quarrel bounces off the now-invulnerable spot, and the dragon eats it.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his head.
    The dragon flames your hands, but the gloves protect you from the attack.
Unfortunately it's not so simple, because by the time you shoot the weak spot will have already moved. The thing is to figure out where the next weak spot will be and shoot there. How do we do that?

Just look at the few paragraphs above.
  • Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his tail.
    The dragon flames your hands, but the gloves protect you from the attack.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his talons.
    The dragon flames your chest, but the apron protects you from the attack.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his breast.
    The dragon flames the top of your head, but the fool's cap protects you from the attack.
    Suddenly, the dragon's vulnerable spot shifts to his head.
    The dragon flames your hands, but the gloves protect you from the attack.
Notice the pattern? Dragon flames hands, spot shifts to talons. Dragon flames chest, spot shifts to breast. Dragon flames hands again, spot will shift to...
  • >shoot dragon's claws
eric_512.png

:yeah:
  • >Look at the dragon
    He's about the size of a cigarette lighter.
Hey, I ALWAYS wanted a dragon-shaped lighter.
  • >Take the dragon
    You take the dragon.
Of course we're about to grab another one of the Five Items, so expect something to blow up for some weird and inane reason.
  • >Take the steak
    You snatch both the steak and the ring. Suddenly you hear a low rumbling and the cave begins to crumble around you. You run for your life, but just as you reach the mouth of the cave, a cataclysmic explosion shoots you up into the air like a human cannonball, scattering your possessions to the four winds.
    You travel for miles in a high trajectory, and when you finally plummet towards the ground, your fall is broken by the branches of a large eucagum tree near the foot of the Mountain of the Gods. You tumble through the branches, fall to the ground, and are knocked unconscious.
    [Your score has just gone up by 25.]
Meanwhile, let's meet Grizelda the Hefty.

eric_264.png

eric_513.png

eric_514.png

eric_515.png


eric_516.png


I love the way the mirror avoids answering her questions directly.
 

friartucksduck

Educated
Joined
Apr 17, 2008
Messages
63
Another awesome update. This game is comedy gold!

The Cat-Jet III's "Special livestock option for flinging cows and other large farm animals"- We return once more to the French castle in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe- An old and popular joke used in its time by the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges, Leisure Suit Larry, and NPR's CarTalk, the hosts of which have actually founded a genuine company under this name.
 

Kz3r0

Arcane
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
27,012
Practically you don't need to know where the dragon's weak spot is, just shoot the corresponding part where he flamed you.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
lightbane said:
The update was fun as hell, as expected
friartucksduck said:
Another awesome update. This game is comedy gold!
Thanks, and yes it is :love:

Kz3r0 said:
Practically you don't need to know where the dragon's weak spot is, just shoot the corresponding part where he flamed you.
Yeah well... if you've figured that out, then you've figured out the pattern of his weak spot.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
THURSDAY: ERIC THE UNREADY AND THE 72 VIRGINS

This is probably my favorite update for the sheer quantity of silly things you can do (also probably the highest count for deaths per screen in the game).

eric_517.png


As usual, the first thing to do is read the newspaper.
  • >Look at the newspaper
    [Taking the newspaper first]
eric_518.png


eric_519.png


eric_520.png


Aside from being a reference to Tuesday and Blicester Castle, this is also a story we will need to solve a puzzle. The reference to Tuesday itself is the clue, in a roundabout way.

eric_521.png

eric_522.png

eric_523.png

eric_524.png

eric_525.png


And here we are! At the foot of Mount Spa, where the next item on our list lies!

  • >Look at Mount Spa
    Majestic Mount Spa! Home of the Gods!! Playground of the Immortals!!! Fourth-largest manufacturer of exclamation points on Torus!!!!

    >Look at the temple
    The temple is a beautiful, classically styled building off to the west.

    >Look at the unicorn
    The unicorn is grazing in the pasture. He occasionally glances up at you just to make sure you're not up to something funny.

    >Look at the branch
    It's a sturdy branch that sticks out from the trunk at right angles just a few feet over your head.
Hey, that tree looks interesting. Wonder if we can pluck some of its leaves?
  • >look at leaves
    The eucagum leaves all look nice and juicy.

    >take leaves
    You can't reach the leaves from down here.
Ah well. Let's turn our attention to the unicorn instead.
  • >kiss unicorn
    As you try to approach, the unicorn canters a few feet away.

    >fuck unicorn
    I see my educational message about Catherine the Great in TIMEQUEST has done nothing to curb your apparently insatiable bestial urges. So to satisfy your prurient curiosity, let's imagine for a moment that the rumors about her WERE true. Doesn't it make you wonder how the phone call would have gone if she wanted to practice safe sex? "Hello Dupont? I have a special order for you."
    (Then again, she probably would have called Trojan, what with their equine background and all.)
Andyman would like this one, I think.

Remember the little dragon we picked up after shooting it in its weak spot? We still have it. It's a convenient lighter.
  • >look at dragon
    He's about the size of a cigarette lighter.

    >kiss dragon
    The dragon has become friendly. But not THAT friendly!

    >attack dragon
    You don't have the heart to harm the little fire-breather.

    >turn on dragon
    You strike a handsome pose, but it seems that the dragon isn't interested.

    >pull dragon's tail
    [Taking the dragon out of the backpack first.]
    When you pull on the dragon's tail, his mouth opens and a stream of fire comes out.
If you try to burn anything that isn't flammable:
  • >burn unicorn
eric_526.png


On the other hand, you can try to burn yourself:
  • >burn eric
    The G. Gordon Liddy Chapter of the Self Combustion Club doesn't meet until next week. You'll have to wait until then.
    The dragon's flame goes out.
Turning back to the unicorn, you may remember I said way, way back that mooning is required to solve a puzzle. Here it is!
  • >moon unicorn
eric_527.png


And this allows us to get our hot little hands on the leaf!
  • >Look at the leaf
    The leaf has dried out and turned brown.

    >Take the leaf
    You take the leaf from the branch.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Now let's get a closer look at this temple.
  • >w
eric_528.png

  • >Look at the bowl
    The bowl is empty.
The bowl will be useful shortly.
  • >Look at the robe
    It's a pure, white robe that has a single pocket.

    >Take the robe
    You take the robe.
Now let's see what the deal is with the sign and all the bells.
  • >Look at the sign
    "Welcome to our automated door answering system:
    If you have come to see the virgins bathing, please ring the first bell.
    If you are a salesman, please save the game and ring the second bell.
    If you are a lawyer, please don't save the game and ring the third bell.
    If you are a virgin who wishes to apply for admission to the Temple, please put on the robe and ring the fourth bell.
    To read this sign again, ring the fifth bell.
    To inspect architectural plans for hidden passageways, ring the sixth bell.
    To hear a nice, mellow tone, ring the seventh bell.
    To rescue one of the virgins because she is your daughter and she has been kidnapped and brainwashed by a demented cult who intends to make her sell flowers in transportation terminals and then sacrifice her in a horrible and gruesome ceremony, please ring the eighth bell.
    If you are a group of the queen's henchmen chasing a suspect, please ring the ninth bell.
    If you are a male who wishes to apply for the job of serving grapes to the virgins while they are bathing, ring the tenth bell."
If the sign itself asks us to save, you bet we will!
  • >save
    Are you a lawyer?
Err... I'm not, but I have an uneasy feeling about this...
  • >no
    Hmmm. I guess both lawyers and non-lawyers would answer "no" to that question, so I can't be sure if you're telling the truth. I'll have to let you save the game anyway, but if you really ARE a lawyer, I expect you to feel guilty for at least a few minutes.
The game actually pauses for a few seconds, probably to give lawyers enough time to feel guilty.

By the way, if you answer in the affirmative instead:
  • >yes
    You must not be telling the truth, as no one who is a lawyer would ever admit it. Therefore, although you are reprehensible for lying, you're still not as reprehensible as if you were a lawyer, so I'll let you go ahead and save the game.
:D

Now let's start ringing!
  • >ring first bell
    A muffled voice from the other side of the door says, "The virgins have all bathed today. Please return tomorrow morning for the next public viewing."

    >ring second bell
eric_529.png


Good thing we saved.
  • >ring third bell
eric_530.png


:lol:
  • >ring fourth bell
    The door opens an inch and then slams shut again. You hear a muffled voice. "If you wish to gain admission to the Temple, you must wear the robe."

    >ring fifth bell
    "Welcome to our automated door answering system:
    If you have come to see the virgins bathing, please ring the first bell.
    If you are a salesman, please save the game and ring the second bell.
    If you are a lawyer, please don't save the game and ring the third bell.
    If you are a virgin who wishes to apply for admission to the Temple, please put on the robe and ring the fourth bell.
    To read this sign again, ring the fifth bell.
    To inspect architectural plans for hidden passageways, ring the sixth bell.
    To hear a nice, mellow tone, ring the seventh bell.
    To rescue one of the virgins because she is your daughter and she has been kidnapped and brainwashed by a demented cult who intends to make her sell flowers in transportation terminals and then sacrifice her in a horrible and gruesome ceremony, please ring the eighth bell.
    If you are a group of the queen's henchmen chasing a suspect, please ring the ninth bell.
    If you are a male who wishes to apply for the job of serving grapes to the virgins while they are bathing, ring the tenth bell."
Sure enough, ringing the fifth bell does repeat the message.
  • >ring sixth bell
    A complicated blueprint unfurls from above. A quick examination reveals dozens of trap doors, fake walls and hidden staircases. Just as it snaps back up, however, you notice in the lower right corner, "Residence of His Majesty, Lord Brutish."
:lol:
  • >ring seventh bell
    Dong.

    >Ring the eighth bell
    The door opens a fraction and a woman says, "Oh. I think you've come to the wrong temple. Our ceremonies are horrible, but they're definitely not gruesome. That'd be the Temple of the Impalers just down the road." The door slams shut again.

    >Ring the ninth bell
    A voice comes from the other side of the door. "You're too early. He's not in here yet."
Best fourth wall breaking ever! :D
  • >Ring the tenth bell
    You hear a woman's voice: "We have added you to the waiting list. Your number is 698,493."
Enough fooling around, let's get into the temple!
  • >wear robe
    You put on the robe. The thick folds should conceal your gender from casual eyes, and with luck you won't run into anyone who wants to make a more thorough examination.

    >Open the door
    A muffled voice comes from the other side of the door. "We have installed an automatic door answering system for your convenience. Please read the sign and then ring the appropriate bell. Have a nice day."
Oops, forgot about the bells already...
  • >Ring the fourth bell
eric_531.png

  • >Look at the table
    It's the same kind of examination table you find in doctors' offices everywhere.

    >Look at the girl
    She's a pretty fifteen-year old girl, dressed all in white.

    >Talk to the girl
eric_532.png

eric_533.png

eric_534.png

eric_535.png

eric_536.png

eric_537.png


Fifteen or not, we're going through the usual motions.
  • >kiss girl
    The young girl blushes and avoids your advances.

    >attack girl
    Something about the way the girl holds herself reminds you of someone else. You think for a moment. Oh, yes! Your martial arts instructor at Knight School. You back away and rethink your strategy.
Mooning her gets us thrown out.
  • >moon girl
    You turn around, bend over, and flip up your robe. The virgin stares at you for a long moment, and then again for a slightly shorter moment. Finally, the realization dawns that something isn't quite right. "Are you... a man?" she asks.
    "Why... yes," you respond suavely, or as suavely as it's possible to respond while talking to someone from between your legs.
    "I thought so," she says. Then she lets out a scream that would wake the dead. Two of the biggest virgins you've ever seen dash into the room and forcibly eject you from the temple.
    Pasture
Let's go back in.
  • >w
    Portico

    >Ring the fourth bell
    The door opens and a comely young virgin takes you by the hand and leads you inside.
    Examination Chamber
Nothing to do but wait for the test.

eric_538.png

  • She escorts you back to the pasture, and then she retreats back into the Temple.
    Pasture
So here's our next puzzle: getting the virgin to recognize Eric as a virgin. No easy task!

Fortunately, there was a recipe way back in Tuesday's paper that could help.

eric_294.png


We've even got the leaf already, but how do we get the second ingregient?
  • >w
    Portico

    >Ring the fourth bell
    The door opens and a comely young virgin takes you by the hand and leads you inside.
    Examination Chamber
Well, here's our virgin. And if you remember, the robe had a pocket we never checked.
  • >look at robe
    It's a pure, white robe that has a single pocket.

    >look in pocket
    Within the pocket you can see a hanky.

    >take hanky
    You take the hanky from the pocket.

    >look at hanky
    It's just an ordinary looking white handkerchief.
Now, how do we get the virgin to cry? As I said, it's all in the paper. I mean, what virgin wouldn't cry her heart out at the story of a little puppy being run over?
  • >show newspaper to girl
    As you begin to read the story to the girl, she begins to sniffle. Further on, she begins to cry. By the time you're done she is sobbing uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking, and tears streaming down her face like water down a flume.

    >give hanky to girl
    You give her the handkerchief and she presses it to her face. She continues to cry for a few moments, completely soaking the hanky. Then she gives it back to you and snuffles, "Thank you."
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
We've got everything we need! Now to go mix it all in the bowl outside.
  • >out
    The virgin says, "I'm sorry, but you must remain here until the examination has been completed."
Woops. Looks like we need to get kicked out first.

Hey, remember Precious (yeah, that ring)? Remember what happens when someone wears it? What do you think would happen if Eric wore a Semi-Precious?
  • >wear ring
    You put on the ring and the upper half of your body disappears!
    The girl's face freezes in a mask of horror. "Sacrilege!" she cries out. The door flies open and dozens of women crowd into the room. They seize you by the legs - presumably the only part of you they can see - and drag you out of the temple and dump you beneath the eucagum tree.
    Pasture
At least it got us where we want to be.
  • >w
    Portico

    >put leaf in bowl
    You put the leaf in the bowl.

    >put hanky in bowl
    The dried leaf immediately disintegrates into crumbs, which then absorb all the moisture from the handkerchief and recombine to form a gummy blob.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Great! Let's go make friends with the unicorn.
  • >take chow
    You take the chow from the bowl.

    >e
    Pasture

    >feed chow to unicorn
    The unicorn cocks his head to one side as if to say that he appreciates the offer, but that he's not interested right at the moment.
Mmm. Maybe Eric could entice it by eating some himself first?
  • >eat chow
    Unicorn chow is widely believed to be fatal to humans. Government scientists believe that this is because everyone who has ever eaten any has died.
Ah screw this. I'll just throw the chow in its face.
  • >throw chow at unicorn
    The small voice in your head says, "Let's review here. In order to get this chow you were unbelievably cruel to an innocent young girl, you bared your ass at a wild unicorn, and nearly got yourself castrated. Now you want to GIVE it away? Forget it. I'm not going through all THAT again."
Never mind. Let's get back into the temple.
  • >w
    Portico

    >Ring the fourth bell
    The door opens and a comely young virgin takes you by the hand and leads you inside.
    Examination Chamber
    The girl says, "Welcome to the Temple of Virgins. Naturally, we cannot admit you to our sisterhood without confirming that you are indeed a virgin. But do not worry, the test is quick and painless. It will begin in fifteen minutes."
    The girl settles in to wait.
Now let's have some fun while we wait.
  • >fuck girl
    Do you live in Arkansas?

    >no
    Then she's underage.
Slight change in strategy.
  • >fuck girl
    Do you live in Arkansas?

    >yes
    Is your name Bill Clinton?

    >no
    Then she's not interested.
Oh yeah?
  • >fuck girl
    Do you live in Arkansas?

    >yes
    Is your name Bill Clinton?

    >yes
    Howdy Bill! Is it getting lonely in the White House already? Even if it is, this one is still too young for you. [By the way, when you get inside the main temple, don't inhale the incense.]
This, folks, is 5 years before Monica :lol:

Anyway, after some more time, the test finally begins.

eric_539.png


And Eric passes for a virgin!

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  • >Look at the virgins
    Your eye travels from girl to girl, each one more beautiful than the last.
    "...just look at those upper arms..."

    >Talk to the virgins
eric_543.png

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  • "...dyes her hair..."

    >kiss virgin
    There are so many of them, you wouldn't know where to start.
    "...everything's been lifted..."

    >attack virgins
    The virgins are so lovely that you couldn't dream of doing harm to them.
    "...can tell by the way she peels her grapes..."
And now, a collection of some of the funniest ways to die in the game.
  • >moon virgins
eric_541.png


  • >wear ring
eric_542.png


  • >fuck virgins
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:lol:
  • >remove robe
eric_550.png

What a way to go indeed :thumbsup:

Back to the serious stuff, let's go through that door to the north.
  • >n
eric_551.png

  • >Look at Molochi
    Molochi is the god of impacted wisdom teeth. His looks reflect this.

    >Look at the vat
    The sacrificial wine is blood red.
Let's get drunk!
  • >drink wine
    You take a small, satisfying sip.

    >drink wine
    You take another small, satisfying sip.

    >drink wine
    You take a medium-sized, very satisfying sip.

    >drink wine
    You take a small gulp.
Who dares interrupt my drunken spell?
  • You hear the priestess and her acolytes enter the salon. The acolytes enter the sanctuary, grab you by the arms, and drag you back out to the salon.
eric_552.png


Spooky stuff going on... notice how the virgin's facial expression has changed.
  • >Talk to the virgins
    The virgins are too preoccupied with what's going on behind that door to pay any attention to you.

    >Look at the door
    It's the kind of door that you can tell means business just by looking at it. Doors to Swiss bank vaults could take lessons in 'solid' from it. At the moment, the door is closed.

    >listen to door
    The room has fallen deathly silent.

    >Open the door
    According to the latest line from Las Vegas, a snowball in hell actually has a BETTER chance of surviving than you do of opening that door.

    >wait
    Time passes...
    The silence is broken by a blood-curdling scream from the sanctuary. The door slowly opens, revealing that the holy room is empty, save for a few wisps of smoke. The ashen-faced virgins stare at each other for a few moments, and then slowly resume their conversations.
Right, something fishy was definitely going on in there. But before anything else... WINE!
  • >n
    Sanctuary

    >drink wine
    You take a good-sized belt.

    >drink wine
    You dunk your head in the vat and inhale.
eric_553.png


Anyway. Eric needs a way to stay and watch what happens, but obviously if he just hangs around he'll be kicked out. Fortunately, we have an invisibility ring!
  • >wear ring
    You put on the ring and the upper half of your body disappears!
Well... half-invisibility. Where can we hide the lower half?
  • >walk into vat
    You climb into the vat. The dark wine comes up to around your waist, making you now completely invisible.
Good! Now we wait.

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First thing's first, let's try to calm her down.
  • >Look at the girl
    She's trembling with fear.

    >Talk to the girl
    The girl looks around wildly, trying to figure out where the voice came from.
Oh yeah right, we need to be visible first.
  • >out
    You climb out of the vat. The girl screams in terror, but nobody on the other side of the door seems to care.

    >remove ring
    You remove the ring, and the upper part of your body becomes visible again. The girl screams in terror, but nobody on the other side of the door seems to care.
That's not improving matters much. How do we overcome her hysteria?
  • >greet girl
    "Hi. My name's Eric. You know you're never too young to start planning for retirement. I've got a couple of long-term savings plans here that..." SLAP!

    >fuck virgin
    The virgin says, "Oh kind sir! I know thou hast but the noblest of thoughts, hoping that by deflowering me you might save my unworthy soul from the torment of Molochi. But a virgin I am, and a virgin I must remain. So I must decline thy gracious offer and knee thee most forcefully in the groin."
:lol:

Now, if you just putter around, the sacrifice will take place as planned.
  • >attack girl
    You're already off the low end of the chivalry meter for making that other girl cry. Be a sport and take it easy on this one.
    Smoke starts to pour from Molochi's nostrils.
    The girl, already nervous, begins to shake uncontrollably.

    >moon girl
    The girl screams. That's not surprising, however. If I were suddenly confronted with your backside I'd probably scream too.
    Fire pours out of Molochi's eyes.
    The girl gets a wild look in her eye.

    >kiss girl
    The girl is too busy having hysterics to let you kiss her.
    Molochi's teeth slowly come apart. A low rumble comes from somewhere inside the mouth.
    The girl has worked herself up into a religious frenzy, and suddenly she lets out a blood-curdling scream and dives headlong into the gaping maw of the god. The instant she is inside, the mouth crashes shut.
Eric, being chivalrous, needs to be the sacrifice himself. However, as long as the girl is awake, she will rush in first. Let's go back to the begining of this sequence and see what we can do.

  • >out
    You climb out of the vat. The girl screams in terror, but nobody on the other side of the door seems to care.

    >remove ring
    You remove the ring, and the upper part of your body becomes visible again. The girl screams in terror, but nobody on the other side of the door seems to care.
Hey, remember how Baldur's Gatethe Epic of Baldur puts everyone to sleep? Bet the virgin's no exception.
  • >show book to girl
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Great! Now that she's unconscious we can have our way with her! BWAHAHAHAHA.
  • >fuck girl
    The room is filled with a rosy glow, and suddenly hundreds of lovely woodland nymphs appear. They gently raise the slumbering girl, remove her robe, and bathe her with ten thousand dewdrops. Then a silk covered four-poster bed appears out of nowhere. They place her upon it and beckon to you. As you approach, one of the nymphs glances at a line etched into the bedpost just above your head and she says, "Oh. Sorry. You must be taller than this line to fuck the virgin." The nymphs disappear as quickly as they came, and when you blink your eyes everything has returned to normal.
Or maybe not :lol:

And now, in the true spirit of this game, I've put some incredibly silly input to accompany the following screenshots.

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Well, this is it. Let's take the plunge!

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OK, not quite what I expected...

  • >read sign
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  • As you near the top of the escalator, you glance up. High above your head, the walls of the mountain come together in an inverted cone, at the very tip of which seems to be a large cork. Before you have time to wonder about the significance of this discovery, you reach the top of the escalator and step off, passing through a wall of mist.
Welcome to Mount Spa, home of the gods!
 

Fowyr

Arcane
Vatnik
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
7,671
Sceptic said:
If you've got a save not too long before please take a screenshot and post it!
Oh, I already deleted saves. It was just another humorous message. "It's just a saying, man!" or something.

A psycho-zoological nymph appears and says, "Please do not put anything on the viper's cage. It disrupts the snake's delicate biorhythms and may cause him to experience an anxiety displacement which, if untreated, could easily escalate to a traumatic catharsis of a disruptive and virulent nature."
The nymph disappears, but is quickly replaced by a psycho-babble translation nymph who says, "She means you'll piss him off."
You blink your eyes and the second nymph is gone.
:salute: to you for this find.
And :salute: to game author who thought about this.
So many details even to silliest inputs like "greet girl". The joy of text parsers.
 

Coyote

Arcane
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
1,149
Newspaper:

PP: the Pied Piper.
H. Higgins: this sounds familiar. I think it comes from a play I had to read at some point in high school, but I don't remember the name.
B.B. Wolf: Little Red Riding Hood.
Conan School of Assertiveness: Conan the Barbarian.
Ruby slippers: The Wizard of Oz (the movie, at least; I've never read the book).

Other:

Bear who taught the remedial class when you tried to burn the unicorn: Smokey the Bear.
G. Gordon Liddy: one of the major players in the Watergate scandal. I'm not sure what self-combustion has to do with him, though, unless they're just talking about the poor way he handled himself with regard to Watergate.
Lord Brutish: Ultima.
"Don't inhale the incense": a reference to Clinton's insistence that while he tried marijuana once, he never inhaled.
 

Fowyr

Arcane
Vatnik
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
7,671
Coyote said:
H. Higgins: this sounds familiar. I think it comes from a play I had to read at some point in high school, but I don't remember the name.
Pygmalion, of course.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
THURSDAY: THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY

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The light at the end of the tunnel!

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Meet our first god, an amnesiac. The reason for this will become clear later on.
  • >Look at the god
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Not so much amnesia as the inability to form short new memories. Or maybe both. Anyway, since he keeps forgetting what he's doing he will constantly dig up and refill that hole, without allowing Eric to see what's in it. Also, the bottle opener hanging around his neck is important, but I forgot about that until later (the disadvantage of LPing a game you know by heart: sometimes you remember how to solve a puzzle, but not why that's the solution). Do keep it in mind though.
  • >Look at the hole
    You can't get close enough to get a good look while the god is standing over the hole.
    The god looks up and says, "Hello. Welcome to the Mountain of the Gods. My name is Dave." He glances down at the shovel in his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment he shrugs and fills in the hole he was just digging.

    >Talk to the god
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Yes, this is a horrible pun.
  • >kiss god
    Lots of gods are gay. This one isn't.

    >attack god
    Now how much sense does it really make to try to kill an immortal?
Only one direction we can head in for now.
  • >sw
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  • >Look at Mount Spa
    The mountain rises dramatically to a peak just a few hundred feet above your head.

    >up
    You don't see any way to climb up the steep mountainside.

    >Look at the palace
    The building has the facade of a Greek temple. Who knows what exotic pleasures lie within those walls? What feasts for the senses? What idle pastimes that while away the drifting hours that sit so lightly upon the hands of the immortals?

    >look at glint
    You can't tell much from a glint. It's usually a gamewriter's way of telling you that there's something up there that you want, without telling you what it is.
Of course, since Bud told us the Crowbar was at the top of the mountain, we know that's the glint, and even if we didn't, the very existence of the glint would be reason enough to find a way to the top.
  • >s
    You don't see any way to get into the palace.
Once again this leaves us with only one way to go.
  • >w
eric_569.png

  • >Look at the goddess
    Generations of poets have despaired at their inability to capture in mere words the unearthly allure of the Goddess of Beauty.
    I don't see what the trouble is - she's about five foot nine, 123 pounds, with reddish hair and a chest that would give a monk a heart attack.
:lol:
  • >Talk to the goddess
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:lol:
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That key sure looks interesting...
  • >Look at the golden key
    The key shines with the brilliance of pure gold.

    >Take the golden key
    The key is on the opposite shore of the pond. You can't reach it from here.
We could always swim across...
  • >w
    The merest hint of disapproval from the goddess is enough to stop you in your tracks. "Be not so bold, mortal," she says. "Lest your impetuosity lead you to grief."
Or not.

Anyway, remember the banana we got all the way back from the stone? (Excalibanana) Remember the wizard said we can summon the banana whenever near water? That gets you a funny response from the goddess.
  • >yoohoo banana
    An arm thrusts up from the surface of the pool. It tosses you the banana and then sinks out of sight again.
    "Neat trick!" says the goddess, eyeing the banana. "I'll have to try that myself sometime."
Of course there's no way we're going to stand by the Goddess of Beauty and not steal a kiss.
  • >kiss goddess
    Only in your dreams, sailor.
Fine, a little more forceful then.
  • >attack goddess
    She splashes some water in your direction and says, "It must be awful being a mortal. All you people can ever think about is sex and violence."
Fine. Let's go all out.
  • >fuck goddess
    [You know, somehow I just KNEW you'd get around to this...]
    The goddess smiles sweetly and says, "It'd kill you in less than 30 seconds, honey."
Love the writer's comment :D
  • >moon goddess
    The goddess bursts out laughing, but quickly recovers.
Once more, we keep moving in the only direction open to us...
  • >n
eric_578.png

  • >Look at the icicles
    Everything you see reminds you that the room is cold. Very cold. Extremely cold. As cold as a walk-in freezer. As cold as an ice cube dropped down your back. As cold as a lawyer's heart. You get it - COLD!

    >touch icicle
    A small female voice in your head says, "Be careful, Eric - that stuff is so cold your skin might stick to it!"
    "Mom? Is that you?" you think to yourself. Suddenly you hear the wizard's small voice:
    "Excuse me, Mrs. Unready. But I'm the only small voice allowed in Eric's head right now."
    "Oops. Sorry," the other voice says. "Well goodbye, Eric, and don't forget to wash behind your ears."
Let's have a chat with the god.
  • >Look at North Wind
    He is stamping back and forth, alternately waving his arms and blowing on his hands. He looks thoroughly miserable.

    >Talk to North Wind
    The god is too preoccupied with his muttering to talk to you.

    >listen
    "Five years in this awful cave. FIVE YEARS. And every time I blow my nose or sneeze, one of those bronzed sun-bathing jerks complains that I'm making it too cold for everyone else. I'd like to see THEM try to live up here without sneezing.
    Well, at least I won't be up here much longer. Today's my birthday, and in two more weeks I'll be outta here." He sniffles.

    >listen
    "Some birthday. No cake. No presents. No party. Nobody ever sacrifices to the north wind any more - they save all the good stuff for the God of Spring or the Goddess of Fertility. What good does a virgin do HER, I'd like to know. Two more weeks, though. Two more weeks and I'm history."
Aww poor thing. Maybe he wants a hug on his birthday?
  • >kiss god
    The god waves you off and says, "Too cold. Too cold. It's always just too darn cold!"
Alright, maybe we can entertain him by showing him Eric's buttocks.
  • >moon god
eric_579.png

:lol:

Well since we can't do anything else, let's get out... wait a minute, we've been everywhere already! Where can we go next?
  • >s
    "Hey mortal!" the god calls. "Do me a favor and take this note to the Palace of the Gods and give it to Morty." He scrawls out a note and folds it in half, passing his fingers along the edge to seal it shut. Then he stuffs it in your hand.
    He turns away, but then looks back and says, "Oh, I almost forgot." He waves his hand and mumbles a phrase under his breath. "There. You'll be able to get into the palace now. We don't like people to just wander in. Once you've been inside, you'll understand why. It's an image thing. Anyway, thanks a million."
    Glade
Alright, that's sorted then...
  • >e
    Agora
Well he said the way to the palace would be open, but nothing's different...
  • >s
    You walk up to the facade, and then keep walking right on through it.
eric_580.png

  • >Look at Clio
    Clio is a lively goddess who waves her hands a lot when she talks. She is fielding incoming calls with the casual efficiency of someone who has been doing it for a VERY long time.

    >Talk to Clio
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  • >kiss clio
    As you approach, she blows a bubblegum bubble that keeps you from getting anywhere near her lips.
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "I'm sorry. The Goddess of Fertility is, er, busy at the moment. Please try back later."

    >moon clio
    Clio looks you over slowly and then says, "My, what a lovely smile you have. Except it's a little sideways."
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Yes, the end of the world has been scheduled, but I can't release the timetable yet.
    We'll be issuing a press release soon - it should tell you everything you need to know."
Let's have a look at what's around the office.
  • >Look at the picture
    It's a picture of the God of Luck. Above it is the caption, "Valhalla Industries: Employee of the Month."

    >Look at the case
    The trophy case contains a plaque, a costume, a painting, a small boat, and a large bowling trophy.

    >Look at the plaque
eric_587.png

  • >Look at the costume
    It's a feathered serpent costume. Below it is a card that reads, "Special Award for the goofiest costume foisted off on worshippers."
The sharp-eyed will recognize this costum from Timequest.
  • >Look at the painting
    It's a watercolour of a dry path between two walls of water. The card below it reads, "Best Special Effects: The Parting of the Inner Sea."

    >Look at the boat
    It's a miniature replica of an ark. Below it, the card reads, "Lifetime Achievement Award, for the most creative response to a world's overpopulation: The Great Flood."

    >Look at the trophy
    It's a rotating trophy that was first given out thousands of years ago. Apparently the gods are really into bowling.
Let's try west first.
  • >w
    The receptionist says, "You can't go in there. Only people with business for Morty can go in there."
We do have a note for him, but let's go have a look around the palace before visiting Morty.
  • >e
eric_588.png


The bulletin board has a bunch of fun things on it, so I'll list them all.
  • >Look at the bulletin board
    The bulletin board is covered with notices. One of them reads:

    "Due to recent complaints, the automatic payroll deduction for life-insurance has been discontinued."

    "Fresh cakes for all occasions.
    Delivery in 30 eons or less
    Call 1-800-DOMINUS
    Remember - 'Dominus Delivers'."

    "Depressed? Can't commit suicide? Call the Divine Intervention Hot Line for immediate counselling. There's always someone here to talk to you."

    "Condo available for sale or rent. Ideal location on Island of the Gods. Overlooks championship golf course built on former site of the Garbage Dump of the Gods."

    "The competition to select a company bumper sticker is coming to an end. Be sure to register your choice by the end of this century. The finalist slogans are:
    'Immortals Do It Forever.'
    'Worship us, or we'll kill you.'
    'Honk if you're for silent prayer.'
    'I went to heaven, and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.'
    'God didn't create the world in seven days. He rested six days and then pulled an all-nighter.'"

    "Created something so big you can't lift it? Call Titan Moving and Storage - specialists in paradox removal for over six millennia."

    "Fall Bowling Leagues now forming. Openings still available on quality teams like "Rolling Thunder" and "Olympian Boomers." Sign up now!"

    "Are you a lonely angel? Come to the Thomas Aquinas School of Ballroom Dancing and learn to dance on the head of a pin. Group rates available."
One of these is actually essential.
  • >Look at the repairgod
    He looks bored.

    >Talk to the repairgod
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  • >kiss god
    He pushes you away and says, "Get lost!"

    >Look at the nectar machine
    The machine has the tired, dejected air of a machine that is broken.
As the repairgod said, he'll fix the broken machine when he gets around to it. For now, we continue east.

eric_594.png


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With the god gone, we can look at everything in the display case.
  • >Look at the trumpet
    "This trumpet has a high-frequency resonance generator that sets up sympathetic vibrations in nearby walls, causing them to tumble down."

    >Look at the sandals
    "These buoyant sandals contain compressed air in the soles to make walking on water a snap."

    >Look at the pills
    "Dehydrated wine pills. Be a hit at weddings. Just drop the pills into the water jugs at the feast, and the guests will never know what hit them."

    >Look at the rock
    "Armour piercing shell disguised as an ordinary slingshot rock. Useful for small operatives facing larger adversaries."

    >Look at the bush
    "Wire-frame bush with authentic looking, but heat-resistant leaves. Gas jets at the base can be lit to make it appear the bush is on fire. Flameproofed hidden speakers are connected to a remote microphone. Perfect for giving covert instructions from a distance."
The only other item of interest is the strange machine.
  • >Look at the machine
    The machine has a button, a switch, a lever, a knob, and a crank.
There's no way to figure out what each does, other than pressing them one at a time.
  • >Push the lever
    A herd of frogs suddenly materializes and then galumphs out of sight.

    >Push the button
    You push the button. A plague of locusts flies through the air and then disappears.

    >Push the switch
eric_596.png

:what:

Reloading...
  • >Push the knob
    A swarm of gnats attacks your head, biting you with abandon. Suddenly, they leave as quickly as they came.

    >Push the crank
eric_597.png


Hey isn't that thing cute!
  • >Take the slimewig
    You take the slimewig.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Now, remember the bulletin board with the cake delivery service? Remember the poor god whose birthday nobody remember? It would sure warm his heart (hurr) if we got him a cake, don't you think?
  • >w
    Lounge

    >call 1-800-DOMINS
    "Thank you for calling Dominus. We'll be right over. Bye."
Let's wait. In the meantime, we continue exploring.
  • >n
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Yes, she is a little hard of hearing.
  • >Look at Emily
    Emily is a well-meaning goddess. She just doesn't have a clue.
    The librarian fusses around for a few moments and then says, "You know, we haven't had a mortal in here in eons. I know we have a few books meant for mortals, but I can't remember what they are. Perhaps I can find that reading list." She rummages in her desk. "Ah! Here it is." She blows the dust off of the piece of paper and hands it to you. "You can borrow any book you want, so long as it's on this list. I seem to have lost my glasses, so when you've made up your mind, just tell me the title of the book you want."

    >Talk to Emily
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  • >kiss emily
    "Young man!" She protests. "This is a LIBRARY! (But I get off work at seven.)"
:lol:

Well, since we've got to wait, might as well see what they've got.
  • >read list
eric_604.png


Hey look! There's a book about scaling Mount Spa! That'll get us to the Crowbar/glint! Let's order it.
  • You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Why write a book about a sick horse, is what I'd like to know. And what does the horse's father have to do with it?...." After a while she returns and hands you a book. "Remember," she says. "This is a lending library. I expect to see that book back here within ten minutes."
Wait what? Sick horse? What does Andyman have to do with anything?
  • >read book
    "Ailing Mount's Pa"
    The case study of hereditary diseases in thoroughbred horses holds your interest for approximately fifteen seconds.
:rage:
  • >return book
    The librarian takes the book away and puts it back on the shelves.
Yes, she's hard of hearing means she will NEVER get the book you ask for. For fun, I'll go through the list from top to bottom and read each book as she brings it.
  • You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "From beer to maternity. Now THAT shouldn't surprise anyone. One thing leads to another, I always say...."
    "From Beer to Maternity"
    The book is about the dangers of drinking and dating. You read a few pages and discover nothing of real interest.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Pair of dice lost. Why mortals are so fascinated with gambling is beyond me...."
    "Pair of Dice Lost"
    It's a story about a gambler's search for his lucky dice. You read for a while and then grow bored.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Golf is just the stupidest game ever invented: people chasing a little ball around a field all morning, and then lying about how long it took them...."
    "Fairway Eleven"
    It's a golfer's autobiography that would have been better left unwritten.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "I knew a fumble-fingers once who worked in a mirror factory. Unluckiest person I ever met...."
    "The One Minute Mirror Cull Worker"
    A fascinating account of a factory worker's attempt to speed up the detection and rejection of inferior products in a mirror factory.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Why are restaurant guides always so popular? Seems to me all they ever talk about is the decor and the location...."
    "Eats of Eden"
    The definitive guide to dining out in the Garden of Paradise. You read for a while and then realize that all the places they're talking about closed down a long time ago.
When suddenly...
  • An out-of-breath delivery boy shows up and says, "Sorry I'm late. It's halftime at the Ragnarok Bowl and we're flooded with orders." He hands you a cake and then leaves.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Alright! Let's go wish North a happy birthday.
  • >s
    The librarian snarfs the list away from you and says, "Sorry. Library property."
    Lounge

    >w
    Lobby

    >n
    Agora

    >w
    Glade

    >n
    Windy Cave

    >look at cake
    It's a lovely cake. [Angel food, of course.] It is festooned with lovely candles.

    >look at candles
    The candles add a festive touch to the top of the cake.

    >show cake to god
    He grabs the offering with enthusiasm. "A cake!" he cries. "How kind of you to remember my feast day! If only the candles were lit - then we could have a REAL celebration."
Good thing we have a lighter.
  • >pull tail
    [Taking the dragon out of the backpack first.]
    When you pull on the dragon's tail, his mouth opens and a stream of fire comes out.

    >light candles
    [With the dragon]
    You hold the dragon up over the candles. The spray of fire ignites them all!
    The God of the North Wind grabs the offering and cries in delight, "For ME? How thoughtful of you!" He closes his eyes and makes a wish. Then he sucks in his breath and unleashes a blast of wind that not only extinguishes the candles, but uproots them from the cake and carries them flying down the hillside on a frigid stream of air that freezes everything in its path.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
    The dragon's flame goes out.
North will actually talk to Eric now.
  • >Talk to North Wind
eric_605.png

eric_606.png

eric_607.png

eric_608.png

eric_609.png

eric_610.png


Ingrate.
  • >s
eric_611.png


Hey look. No more Goddess, and no more pond to swim through! The key is ours!
  • >w
    You race across the frozen pond, grab the key, and return again to the near shore.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
For some extra fun, try to yoohoo the banana now...
  • >yoohoo banana
    You hear a faint "thud" from below the ice, but nothing else happens.
:D

Now let's finally go chat to Morty.
  • >e
    Agora

    >read note
    "Morty: Ya gotta get me outta here! I've been up here in this cave every day for five years. I'm freezin' my BUNS off! Two more weeks and my contract's up. How 'bout it, Morty. You're my agent. Can't you get me a cushier gig? I hear God of Wine is gonna open up soon. I can handle it, I swear. Hangovers are nothin', compared to this frostbite!
    Yours, North."

    >s
    Lobby

    >show note to clio
    Clio looks at the note and hands it back to you. Then she yells at the closed door, "MORTY! Someone ta see ya!" She turns back to you and says, "He'll be out in a few minutes."
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, there's a new price list for direct divine intervention. You must not have received your copy yet. I'll send a pigeon out to you right away."

    >wait
    Time passes...
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, you don't have to keep track of your good and bad deeds - our accounting department is quite good."

    >wait
    Time passes...
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Let me see if I can explain. Every time a prayer comes in for a team to win, it goes onto a tote board. We keep a running tally until the event actually begins. Whichever side has the most prayers by halftime will win the game. That's why Notre Dame is so hard to beat - they've got a million nuns out there praying all week. By the time game day rolls around, the other team doesn't stand a chance."

    >wait
eric_612.png

  • >Look at Morty
    Morty has a gold chain around his neck and a hairy chest that peeks up through the open neck of his shirt. He seems to have a grin permanently affixed to his round face.

    >Talk to Morty
eric_613.png

eric_614.png

eric_615.png

eric_616.png

eric_617.png

>Look at the mementos
The mementos are the usual junk that collects in offices until it's time to move, at which point they get tossed into a box and stored in the basement, thereby clearing the way for a whole new generation of useless junk that would otherwise remain unborn.
This timeless cycle is one of the underlying patterns that holds the universe together, and disruption of it would cause the end of life as we know it.

>Take the mementos
The very fabric of the universe shudders as you reach for the bric-a-brac. You withdraw your hand and make a mental note to try again sometime when the universe isn't watching.

>kiss morty
"Luv ya, babe. Don't ever change."

>fuck morty
"Hey. Let's save that stuff for the clients!"[/list]
:D
  • >show note to morty
eric_618.png

  • Morty comes out of his reverie. "Sign it 'Best Personal regards, Morty.' Thanks, sweetheart, that's all. By the way, here's a little something I picked up for you on my last trip Mortalside. It's some woad for your make-up kit." He tosses her the woad, and Clio leaves.
    Morty comes out from behind his desk and says, "Thanks for dropping by, kid. Next time you're up on the mountaintop, stop by and we'll do lunch." He steers you out to the front office and says, "Ciao, babe" as he closes his door.
    Lobby
    On the desk you see some woad.
I should've taken a screenshot so you could see it as well, but I forgot to :oops:
  • >look at woad
    It's a bright blue compound that primitive peoples used to smear themselves with during religious ceremonies.
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "I'm sorry. We're not allowed to give out hints on this line. I suggest you call 1-900-PRO-KLUE."
Of course I immediately called the number.
  • >call 1-900-PRO-KLUE
    "Looking for clues? You've come to the right place. When you hear the beep, please enter your name and address, and we'll have a game author come directly to your house within six to ten days."
And now for a fun reference.
  • >Hit the woad
    Bittersweet memories of Lily's voice echo in your head: "Hit the woad, Jack. And don't you come back no mow."
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "Sorry, the oracles department is closed today. It was in last week's predictions. Didn't you get them?"
Well, I'd really like to take the woad.
  • >Take woad
    Clio zaps you with a small bolt of lightning and says, "Hands off. Personal Property."
    The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, there's not an entrance fee, exactly. It's a little more complicated than that."
We'll get our chance later. For now, remember the token Morty gave Eric? Let's go do something about the nectar machine.
  • >e
    Lounge

    >look at token
    It's a perfectly round token with the word, "TUIT" stamped on it.
Remember the repairgod said he will fix the machine when he gets around to it?
  • >show token to repairgod
    "Well would you look at that. A round tuit. I guess I'd better get to work." He stands up, opens the machine, and fiddles with its innards. Then he closes it up again.
    "Good as new," he says, tossing you a coin. "Give it a try." He packs up and leaves.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]

    >put coin in machine
    The penny falls into the machine with a satisfying, "Chink." A bottle of nectar appears below. You take the bottle, and suddenly you hear a grinding noise from inside the machine. Whatever gremlin was occupying the machine before has returned with a vengeance.
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]

    >look at nectar
    "Nectar of the Gods (TM)."
We've now got a bottle. And remember who has a bottle opener?
  • >w
    Lobby

    >n
    Agora
    A passenger pigeon flies over the Agora, drops a note and keeps on flying.
Now that we delivered the note to Morty, every time you pass by Agora the pigeon will drop another one. If this isn't a hint that you need to go back into Morty's to solve a puzzle I don't know what is.
  • >Take the note
    You take the note.

    >read note
    The note is written in an indecipherable foreign language. All you can tell is that it is addressed to Morty.
Now let's continue on.
  • >ne
    Promontory

    >give nectar to god
    "Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig. Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
    The god looks up and says, "Hello. Welcome to the Mountain of the Gods. My name is Hank." He glances down at the shovel in his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment he shrugs and starts digging again.
It makes him pee... and he constantly forgets he's already had some. I smell some evil coming this way.
  • >give nectar to god
    "Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig. Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
    The god looks up and says, "Hello. Welcome to the Mountain of the Gods. My name is Chuck." He suddenly notices the shovel in his hand and seems surprised to find it there. After a moment he shrugs and fills in the hole he was just digging.

    >give nectar to god
    "Thanks, but I can only have one sip. It makes me pee." He takes the bottle, opens it with the opener, and takes a swig. Then he closes it again and hands it back to you.
    Moments later, he suddenly gets a very strange expression on his face. "Excuse me," he says, and then he leaves very very quickly.
Tada! And once again I forgot to take a screenshot, so you'll have to take my word for it when I say there's a very large egg in the hole he was digging/refilling.
  • >Look at the egg
    It's the fabled Egg of Oblivion. Legend says that anyone who possesses it for more than a day will lose his memory. Perhaps that accounts for the odd behavior of the young god with the shovel.
Indeed.
  • >Take the egg
    You take the egg from the hole.
    >break egg
    Such an action is recommended only when one has the recipe for the Omelette of Oblivion.
We'll have a use for it later, I'm sure. Now, back to Morty.

  • >sw
    Agora

    >s
    Lobby

    >show note to clio
    Clio looks at the note and hands it back to you. Then she yells at the closed door, "MORTY! Someone ta see ya!" She turns back to you and says, "He'll be out in a few minutes."
    The door to Morty's office opens. Morty comes out with his arm around a blond goddess who is wearing her underwear outside her clothes. "Sure you can charge fifty bucks for the book, babe," he says. "Just make sure the pictures aren't too tame." The goddess licks his ear and then leaves.
    Morty puts his arm around your shoulder and guides you into his office.
Now there are MANY notes, they all look identical, but Morty's response will vary. Since I'm such a bro I took the time to compile all of Morty's responses.

  • >show note to morty
    Morty glances at the note. Then he wads it up, throws it away, and bellows, "Clio!"
    The receptionist comes in and Morty says, "Take a memo. 'Atlas: I know you're getting tired, but try to hang on a little longer. I'm sending Hercules over to spell you for a while...'"
    Morty pauses and appears to think.

    Quetzlcoatl: Look - it's a simple matter of numbers. You're up over ten thousand human sacrifices a day. If you keep that up, there won't be anyone left to worship you...

    Jake and Elrod: Your application to become messenger of the gods is quite impressive. Please forward a copy of your driving record...

    Krishna: Can you at least keep 'em out of the airports? You're giving the whole god thing a negative image...

    Anubis: You don't like the plastic surgery? I thought the jackal's head looked great. Why don't you give it a try for a couple of centuries - then if you still don't like it, we'll do a make-over...

    Bacchus: Cut back on the partying, babe. The neighbors are beginning to complain...

    Diana: You gotta do this tour, babe. They got the 3 Fates signed to sing backup, and the Valkyries have agreed to do the opening act...

    Yahweh: I'm tellin' ya it still don't make no sense. How do you expect 'em to worship you if you won't let 'em say your name?...

    Osiris: Lighten up, babe. Too much gloom and doom always turns 'em off in the long run...

    Zeus: You've got to lay off the local women. People are beginning to talk...

    John: I'm tellin' ya, he's on the way. Keep your shirt on. And watch out for that Salome chick...

    Siddhartha: Don't be so impatient. I'm tellin ya, if you'll just sit tight and wait, everything will work out...

    Mohammad: For the last time, this mountain isn't going anywhere. You wanna see it, you'll have to come look for yourself...

    Ishtar: No, I don't think you can sue for defamation. Sure it was a lousy flick - but there ain't no laws against stupidity...

    Bambi: Not just anyone can be the Goddess of Wisdom. Ya gotta pass certain tests. And let's face it sugar, your track record in the brains department ain't so hot...

    Morty pauses and appears to think.
Now here's the trick: between him stating the body of the message, and him finishing it (always with the same line, same as with North Wind), you get ONE turn to act. And since Clio's here, this is the opportunity to go steal the woad. Incidentally, the first time you visit Morty (and he gives Clio the woad), you're also supposed to rush out and grab the feathered costume, but I didn't, so I used two extra notes, one for the costume, and one for the woad.

  • >e
    Lobby

    >Take the costume
    You take the costume from the case.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]

    >take woad
    You grab the woad off the desk.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
    Clio returns and takes her place behind the desk.
The reason we're collecting all these odd items will be clear very soon. As soon as we get the book about climbing Mount Spa in fact.
  • >e
    Lounge

    >n
    Library
    The librarian hands you the reading list.
We stopped last time with East of Eden, now we continue from Grapes of Wrath.
  • You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Violence, murder, mayhem. Whatever happened to good taste?...."
    "The Rapes of McGrath"
    You read about the heinous crimes of the notorious McGrath for a few moments and then turn away in disgust.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Now THERE's a good book. All about the legends of bowling...."
    "For Whom the Tell Bowls"
    A gripping account of professional sponsorship in the world of Bocce. It keeps you on the edge of your figurative seat for the entire twenty seconds it takes to read it.

    >read list
    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Why is everyone so all-fired interested in climbing to the top of the mountain. No good can come of it, I say...." After a while she returns and hands you a book. "Remember," she says. "This is a lending library. I expect to see that book back here within ten minutes."
    [Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Incidentally, if you don't want to get every book, you can figure out this is the one by trying phonetic variations on the title (the subtitle in particular)

  • >read book
    "Getting up Spa From Agora: Climbing the Mountain"
    The book jacket says that it contains a ritual that will make a golden stairway appear, thereby making it possible to ascend to the very peak of the Mountain of the Gods.
    Intrigued, you debate with yourself whether to continue reading.
This is IT! Of course we want to read!
  • >read book
    The blurb on the inside jacket cover says, "The first book to reveal the step-by-step details of how to summon the golden stairway to the peak of Mount Spa."
Go on...
  • >read book
    You turn the page to the Table of Contents. It contains a detailed breakdown of the chapters in the book.
Go on...
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Published by Oracle Books, a subsidiary of Omniscient Works.
    [The information contained in this book has entered the public domain and is no longer protected by the copyright laws of any jurisdiction.]"
Yeah whatever.
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Preface"
GET ON WITH IT
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Author's acknowledgements"
:roll:
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "List of Illustrations"
FOR FUCK'S SAKE
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Translator's Introduction"
:x
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Guide to Pronunciation"
On the bright side, we're there!
  • >read book
    You turn the page.
    "Chapter One: The Sacred Ritual"
    "At last you are ready. When you turn the page, the secrets of the sacred ritual will be revealed in step-by-step instructions. You are about to become one of the few, the chosen, the initiates..."
    The library book suddenly disappears.
:rage:

Yep, 10 minutes are up.

Let's go through the other books for now.

  • You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "The commercialization of Christmas has gotten way out of hand. Why can't people be less materialistic?...."
    "Really Great Rich Yules"
    The book is a nostalgic look back at how the wealthiest men in history spent their holiday seasons. You read it until you get depressed, and then put it down.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "What fun those picnics always are. We should do them more than once a millennium...."
    "The Sacred and the Propane"
    This is a pleasant recounting of the gods' millennial cookout which they hold in the agora, rain or shine, once every thousand years. The book ends with a call from the authors to decrease the frequency of the event to relieve the pressure on the organizers.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "I never did understand computers and software and all that...."
    "How to Get Ahold of Some Beta Versions"
    You glance at the book, but quickly avert your eyes the instant you realize it's about software piracy.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "He never seemed happy to me...."
    "The Joy of X"
    This is a brief account of the few moments of happiness in the short life of an unidentified man. It takes you mere moments to read.

    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Unnatural acts are just that - unnatural. I say we bring back the lightning bolts and let 'em have it when they get out of line...."
    "Holy Blokes: The Losers Guide to Incest"
    The book covers the many instances of inbreeding among the gods and the always-tragic consequences they bring.

    >return book
    The librarian takes the book away and puts it back on the shelves.
Well, we've got to figure out some way to read the book in 10 minutes...
  • >s
    The librarian snarfs the list away from you and says, "Sorry. Library property."
    Lounge

    >s
eric_619.png

  • >Look at the tables
    The tables are laden with the scribes' work.
    The God of Duplication says, "The Air-man, lookin' at the tables."

    >Look at Richard
    He is a young god who seems completely wrapped up in his work.
    Richard leans back and says, "Ericowski, lookin' at Richard."

    >Talk to Richard
eric_620.png

eric_621.png

eric_622.png

eric_623.png

eric_624.png


This guy is starting to annoy me.

  • >read sign
    "We copy anything. Please give the original of the item you wish duplicated to the attendant on duty."
    Richard grins. "Air-Rick, doin' his homework."

    >kiss richard
    Richard scratches his ear and intones, "The Rickster, being naughty."

    >attack richard
    Richard grins. "The Rick-inator, losing his temper."

    >moon richard
    "Eric-san. Showin' Richard his best side. Way to go-o-o-o."

    >n
    A voice trails behind you. "Rickeee, leaving Richard behind.
    Lounge
Mmm... duplication... well, speedreading obviously didn't work, but there's always speedwriting...
  • >n
    Library
    The librarian hands you the reading list.

    >read list
    You shout your request at the librarian. Emily wanders off, mumbling to herself as she goes. "Why is everyone so all-fired interested in climbing to the top of the mountain. No good can come of it, I say...." After a while she returns and hands you a book. "Remember," she says. "This is a lending library. I expect to see that book back here within ten minutes."

    >s
    The librarian snarfs the list away from you and says, "Sorry. Library property."
    Lounge

    >s
    Scriptorium
    Richard grins. "Rickeee, comin' to see Richard."

    >show book to richard
    "Eric-O-Rama-dama-do. Showin' stuff to Richard."

    >give book to richard
    Richard disappears into the back. He returns moments later and hands you a perfect copy, presumably keeping the original somewhere in the back.
    [Your score has just gone up by 10.]
    The attendant laughs. "Rick-a-tollah, solvin' the puzzle. Makin' points. Way to go. All ri-i-i-ght."
Oh cool! Let's make some more points!
  • >give book to richard
    The God of Duplication says, "The Rick-inator, tryin' for more points. Way to go. No wa-a-a-y."
:lol:

Well, let's get out of here and read that book.
  • >n
    A voice trails behind you. "The Air-man, leaving Richard behind."
    Lounge

    >w
    Lobby

    >n
    Agora

    >read book
    You flip past the opening pages and get right to the good stuff:
    "RITUAL FOR CAUSING THE GOLDEN STAIR TO APPEAR
    First, prepare thyself by wearing the sacred costume of Og and by smearing thy cheeks with woad, that thou might seemeth pleasing in the eyes of the great god Otis.
    Then, whilst holding a copy of this sacred ritual, shalt thou perform these actions in sequence, remembering all the while that a departure from the correct order shall taketh thee back to square one:
    Here, then, are the steps of the ritual:
    First, whilst in the Agora, stand upon the Holy Egg of Oblivion, so that memories of all gods other than the great god Otis shall be erased from thy mind.
    Second, partake of a live slimewig, the animal most sacred to the compassionate god Otis.
    Third, turn around, that thou might be seen from all sides by the all-seeing, all-knowing god Otis.
    Fourth, turn around again, in case Otis wasn't watching the first time.
    Fifth and finally, thou must squawk like a chicken, for this above all others is the noise most pleasing to Otis, the great and powerful."
Fortunately, we already have everything we need.
  • >wear costume
    You put on the costume.

    >drop egg
eric_625.png

  • >put woad on cheeks
    You smear the woad on your cheeks. A voice says, "Not THOSE cheeks!" Embarrassed, you fumble around in your pants. After a moment, the voice says, "That's better."
Yeah...

Now, step one.
  • >stand on egg
    You balance precariously on top of the egg.
Step two...
  • >eat slimewig
    You pop the disgusting thing into your mouth.
    You know how sometimes you eat something that you think is going to taste terrible, but it turns out to be OK? Well, such is not the case here. The instant you put the slimewig in your mouth, it attaches little suckers to the back of your teeth, so that while its rear end is halfway down your throat, its front end is hanging on for dear life.
    So now it's trying to crawl up, while you're trying to get it down. Finally you bite off its little pseudopods and it slides wriggling and screaming all the way down to your stomach, where it gives a couple of kicks, and then lies still.
Urgh... step three...
  • >turn around
    You do a quick pirouette. Very stylish.
    You feel a kick in your stomach. That slimewig isn't dead yet.
I'm going to throw up...
  • >turn around
    You do a quick pirouette. Very stylish.
    You give a small, salty burp.
Well, at least we'll soon be up at the top!
  • >squawk
    You squawk like a chicken.
    Nothing happens.
:rage:

eric_626.png


Yeah yeah very funny :rpgcodex:

eric_627.png

  • >up
    You are already as high as you can get.
    (This message brought to you by "Nostalgia for the Sixties, Inc.")
At least we're finally there! And look what's here!
  • >Look at the crowbar
    It's the Crowbar of the Apocalypse, one of the objects that Bud the Mighty Wizard said you would need at the end of your quest.

    >Take the crowbar
    The crowbar is held in place by the golden strap, which in turn is held in place by the golden lock.
Mmm. Wonder how we can get it out.
  • >Look at the cork
    The cork is about six feet in diameter. It feels soft and cushiony underfoot.

    >Look at the lock
    The lock is securely fastened.
Well, good thing we got the key!
  • >open lock
    [With the golden key]
    You put the key in the lock and give it a twist. The lock falls open and the strap comes loose. Suddenly, the golden staircase disappears.
    You hear a faint creak coming from the edges of the cork where it fits into the mountain.
Tada! The Crowbar is ours!
  • >Take the crowbar
    You take the crowbar.
    [Your score has just gone up by 25.]
    The creak turns into an ominous groan. The cork starts to tremble and shake, and you notice that there's more of it sticking up out of the mountain than there had been before.
Oops. Doesn't sound good. I think I'll just replace this lock...

eric_628.png


I'd feel sorry for the gods, but really, the whole ritual thing, they were such jerks that all I could think of was "serves you right you bastards."

Anyway, the usual interlude.

eric_629.png


eric_630.png

eric_631.png

eric_632.png


Only one more item to get, and then Eric can save Lorealle!
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
Fowyr said:
:salute: to you for this find.
I actually got it quite naturally, while trying to solve the puzzle. I thought that covering the cage with something would prevent the snake from swallowing the marble. :D

lightbane said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: Rance would love this update.
Told ya it was my favorite. It's such a different take on sex than what you see in modern games though. And much funnier as a result.
 

lightbane

Arcane
Joined
Dec 27, 2008
Messages
10,156
Awesome update as always. Too bad that they declined at some point and produced the horrible Unreal 2 :rage:

Anyways...
Not so much amnesia as the inability to form short new memories

So, that's where the Memento guy went when he died?
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
1,878,404
Location
Djibouti
>Look at the trumpet
"This trumpet has a high-frequency resonance generator that sets up sympathetic vibrations in nearby walls, causing them to tumble down."

>Look at the sandals
"These buoyant sandals contain compressed air in the soles to make walking on water a snap."

>Look at the pills
"Dehydrated wine pills. Be a hit at weddings. Just drop the pills into the water jugs at the feast, and the guests will never know what hit them."

>Look at the rock
"Armour piercing shell disguised as an ordinary slingshot rock. Useful for small operatives facing larger adversaries."

>Look at the bush
"Wire-frame bush with authentic looking, but heat-resistant leaves. Gas jets at the base can be lit to make it appear the bush is on fire. Flameproofed hidden speakers are connected to a remote microphone. Perfect for giving covert instructions from a distance."

:lol:


Truer words have never been spoken.

The 'list of gods' pranks' also made me laff. Best update so far.
 

Crooked Bee

(no longer) a wide-wandering bee
Patron
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
15,048
Location
In quarantine
Codex 2013 Codex 2014 PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Codex 2016 - The Age of Grimoire MCA Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
Woohoo, this LP is alive! I totally missed that somehow. :?

And hey, Clio looks funny in this game. And I really enjoyed the Biblical references. And... wait, woad?

The herald clears his throat and proclaims at the top of his voice, "Hear ye! Hear ye! Be it known across the land that upon this day, Eric the Unready came out of the closet. Film at eleven."

Nope. I draw the line at bondage scenes. For that kind of action you'll have to get some other, much less reputable game (like S301: SPRING BREAK).


... though not necessarily in the way you'd expect. But we did get the chamberpot!

To rescue one of the virgins because she is your daughter and she has been kidnapped and brainwashed by a demented cult who intends to make her sell flowers in transportation terminals and then sacrifice her in a horrible and gruesome ceremony, please ring the eighth bell.

:lol:


:lol: :lol:

"Residence of His Majesty, Lord Brutish."

:lol: :lol:

Two of the biggest virgins you've ever seen dash into the room

So I must decline thy gracious offer and knee thee most forcefully in the groin.

Either you're one of Legend's testers

Lots of gods are gay. This one isn't.

"Mom? Is that you?"

"Best Special Effects: The Parting of the Inner Sea."

"Dehydrated wine pills. Be a hit at weddings. Just drop the pills into the water jugs at the feast, and the guests will never know what hit them."

The receptionist speaks into her headset. "No, you don't have to keep track of your good and bad deeds - our accounting department is quite good."

:lol:

the Omelette of Oblivion

:o

This is a brief account of the few moments of happiness in the short life of an unidentified man. It takes you mere moments to read.

:(
 

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