SATURDAY: TWO WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL
(though I predict a LOT more than just one funeral if you count all the game overs)
Welcome to the Black Gate (no, not
that one). You can admire the scenic evil witch's castle in the background.
- >Look at the castle
It's an evil-looking castle in the middle distance.
The last newspaper of the game is here.
- >Look at the newspaper
[Taking the newspaper first]
Let's see what else is around.
- >Look at the skeleton
The skeleton at one time belonged to a VERY dedicated delivery boy.
>Talk to the skeleton
You can try to talk to the skeleton if you want to, but the conversation will probably be a little one sided.
>Look at the candygram
It's a bright red, heart-shaped box that has the word "Candygram" written across it. Underneath the logo there is some fine print.
>Take the candygram
You start toward the skeleton, but your feet get mired in the black sticky goo. Somehow you manage to stagger back to your starting point before you become completely stuck.
Well well, what have we got here.
- >Look at the tar
The pool is a large, gummy, sticky, gooey, puddle of midnight-black pitch.
>swim in tar
Although you're a Torus-class burfle-stroke champion, one look at the pool convinces you that this is no place to demonstrate your prowess.
>take tar
You can't move a pool of tar with your bare hands!
This is the first of five obstacles Eric needs to overcome before opening the Black Gate. You may remember our buddy Bud mentioned we need the five artifacts to open the gate, so one of them will be needed here. But which one? Mmm, I wonder what can drain a pool of pitch... wait, pitch? as in pitchfork?...
- >remove tar with pitchfork
You plunge the pitchfork into the tar, bend your knees, and give it a good heave. The tar flies over your shoulder, wrenching the pitchfork from your hands as it goes. You hear a **splat** and a roar and you turn around just in time to see an enraged, tar-covered twelvephant lumbering out of sight.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
The small voice in your head says, "Hurry, Eric. Sir Pectoral's thugs are closing in on you faster than usual. They are only about forty-five minutes away."
Yes, on this exceptional day Pectoral's thugs will catch up as early as 10am. Which is REAL soon now. Let's waste no time in grabbing the candygram and reading the fine print on it.
- >Take the candygram
You take the candygram from the skeleton.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
>read fine print
Knowing in your heart than only geeks read fine print, you nevertheless look at the small words.
"WARNING: The Surgeon General of Torus has determined that this package contains massive explosive charges that will instantly kill whoever opens it. Therefore it should not be advertised in magazines, nor sold to minors, although the government will continue to subsidize its manufacture in the county of North Caroligna."
Remember Bud mentioned sending an explosive candygram to the witch all the way back at the beginning of the game? Well this is it. The messenger obviously died of boredom waiting for someone to answer the door. Naturally opening the candygram will have terminal results.
Let's save this for the witch and try and open the gate instead.
- >open gate
As you approach the gate, the huge bird flies at you, talons extended and wings flapping in your face. The creature drives you back to where you were standing before, and then it resumes its perch on top of the gate.
Yep, the second obstacle.
- >Look at the bird
The raven stares back with an intensity that seems full of hatred. But after a while you realize that he doesn't hate you at all - he just wants to snag one of your eyeballs for lunch.
>attack bird
The bird lashes out with its talons and you barely escape with both hands intact.
Once again we need one of the artifacts. Which one could be useful against a raven? What's another name for a close relative of ravens, sometimes used interchangeably?
- >attack raven with crowbar
The crow strikes at you again, but the magic crowbar intercepts the slashing talons. The bird's claws involuntarily close around the bar, and the weight of it pulls him to the ground. Flapping his wings furiously, he manages to take off again, but he can only get a few feet into the air. Hopping and fluttering, he disappears slowly to the northwest, where suddenly a magic causeway appears, swallows him up, and disappears again.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
On to the next obstacle.
- >open gate
Unnerved by the unceasing scrutiny of the black eye, you forget what it was that you started out to do.
>Look at the eye
The black eye never leaves you for an instant. It never blinks, and it follows your every move.
Obviously we need to cover the eye with something. Cover the black eye with something.
- >put steak on eye
[Removing the steak from the backpack first.]
You slap the steak onto the black eye. Moments later the steak falls to the ground and vanishes. When you look up, you notice that the eye has also disappeared!
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Next!
- >open gate
The gate remains stubbornly, mysteriously, closed.
>Look at the lightning
It's a jagged bolt of lightning that seems to bind the gates together.
How do you cut a lightning bolt?
- >cut lightning bolt with bolt cutters
[Removing the bolt cutters from the backpack first.]
The cutters slice through the lightning bolt like a hot knife through butter. There is a sudden flash and a clap of thunder, and not only has the bolt disappeared, but the bolt cutters are gone as well.
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
And the final obstacle!
- >Look at the moon
It's a quarter moon like the one you saw so long ago on the outhouse door in the farmyard. The points of the moon are slightly out of alignment with the two stars that are next to it.
Let's wrench that crescent moon out.
- >turn moon with crescent wrench
You give the crescent moon a little twist. It slides into alignment with the stars, and the gate swings open!
[Your score has just gone up by 15.]
Suddenly, a rush of ghostly shapes streams past you. You are knocked to the ground until the grey whirlwind passes. When you get up, you see the wicked witch standing in front of you.
"At last!" she cries in triumph. "Those gates were sealed five thousand years ago by the great wizard Belsnout. He scattered the keys across Torus so that they could never be assembled again. But now you have found them and opened the gate so that all the evil of the Other Side shall be free to roam Torus for as long as my castle stands." She throws her head back and lets out a loud screaming cackle.
The small voice in your head says, "Oops."
The witch snaps her fingers, and you suddenly find yourself in a turret room of her castle.
Well we really don't have time to waste here. That mirror sure looks like the way out.
- >break mirror
Are you CRAZY? You'd have so many years of bad luck that they wouldn't fit in one lifetime. That means you'd have to serve them concurrently, and everybody knows that bad luck on top of bad luck isn't just 'bad luck times two', it's bad luck SQUARED. All in all, that's just too great a price to pay for the pleasure of seeing all that glass hit the ground and hearing a really cool sound effect.
>Look at the mirror
You see a hazy reflection of yourself.
About one-fifth of the sand has passed through the hourglass.
Woops. We really need to do something about the hourglass before anything else.
- >Look at the hourglass
The sand is draining rapidly through the hourglass. It looks as if you have about eight minutes left.
Failure to stop the sand from running results in:
Unfortunately we can't take the hourglass and do anything with it.
- >Take the hourglass
You pick up the hourglass. It immediately begins to heat up in your hands. You can only hold onto it for a few moments, and then you replace it on the table.
However, the curse
ispretty specific. No need to break the hourglass or the curse, all we need to do is stop the sand from running. By, oh, maybe just flipping the hourglass on its side?
- >rotate hourglass
You set the hourglass on its side. The sand stops draining and the curse is temporarily foiled.
[Your score has just gone up by 5.]
Now that we have more breathing room, let's see about getting out. Wonder if that book can help.
- >Look at the book
The page appears to be blank.
>take book
A crackle of electricity leaps from the book and singes your fingers. Ouch.
This also means you can't turn to another page. Let's look at something else instead.
- >Look at the crystal ball
It's a standard-issue crystal ball.
>touch crystal ball
You run your hands over the ball. It feels smooth and even and full of power.
>look in crystal ball
A harrowing, distorted image of the wicked witch fills the ball. "I'll get you, my pretty," the witch screams. "And your damn dog too!" She starts to cackle hysterically.
"But I don't HAVE a dog," you protest.
The witch stops abruptly. "You don't?"
"No."
"How about a hamster?"
"Nope."
"Pet turtle?"
"No. I had a goldfish once. But it died. Does that help?"
"Curses! It'll have to do. Where did you bury it?"
"In my mom's back yard."
"Well, then," she cackles. "I'll get you, my pretty. And your mom's back yard too!"
The witch screams in hysterical laughter and the crystal ball clears. A cold wind blows through the turret, riffling the pages of the spellbook and blowing over a new page.
Well that did turn the page on the book...
- >Look at the book
"If you wish to rush into where angels don't tread,
You must first learn to see through the eyes of the dead.
And a word from the wise will then summon my ghost,
So that soon you will be where you wish to go most."
Don't ask me why wicked witches always feel the need to leave detailed instructions on how to escape. Anyway, one step at a time. First, we need the eyes of the dead.
- >Look at the eyeballs
They are presumably the gruesome ingredients for a witch's brew too horrible to contemplate.
They'll do. Especially since they fit in that lovely skull over there.
- >Take the eyeballs
You take the eyeballs from the jar.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
>Look at the skull
It looks just the same as all the other skulls you've ever seen on a wall in a turret of an evil witch's castle when your life, the life of a princess, and the fate of a kingdom lie in your hands.
>put eyeballs in skull
You put the eyeballs into the skull. They instantly light up, and the mirror turns opaque.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Yep, the mirror is the way out after all.
- >Look at the mirror
The mirror has gone opaque.
>walk through mirror
Bonk! Your attempt to walk through the mirror is unsuccessful.
But not quite yet. First, we need the word from the wise.
- >Look at the owl
You learn nothing by examining this ancient, inscrutable symbol of wisdom. Well, almost nothing, I guess.
Well he's not saying much right now, but what sound do the symbols of wisdom usually make?
- >hoot
The mirror goes dark and you hear a ghostly voice. "I am the spirit of the mirror. He who would enter my realm must first show he can see things as I do."
The voice fades, and some symbols appear on the mirror.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Hey, easy isn't it? It's just 11+11=22.
- "Thou hast failed." The mirror returns to its opaque state.
Not so simple... Remember, if you've got to see things as the mirror does. In other words, the numbers it shows are mirror images of the "real" number. Aha! What you really need to do is 9+9=18!
... not quite. Because you also need to enter the
answer as a mirror image.
Success! Let's escape and stop the wedding!
- >Look at the chain
It's a thick chain that runs from the ceiling down through a hole in the floor.
>Look at the hole
The hole leads to the Great Hall below.
>Look at Great Hall
You peer down through the hole to the Great Hall below. The chandelier hangs directly above a small black circle that has been inscribed on the floor. Other than that, you can't see much.
>Look at circle
You recognize it as the mark on the floor that designates where the beast is supposed to stand during the wedding ceremony.
This is important, but for now let's keep crawling.
Makeup!
- >Look at the makeup
It's a pot of green makeup that says on the label, "WARNING: While it has been demonstrated that this product will eat through any known metal within thirty minutes, it is perfectly safe for personal use if used as directed. To apply, first seal your face with several layers of wax. Make sure you are wearing insulated gloves. If the makeup comes in contact with your eyes, flush immediately with cold water, then buy a white cane and a pair of dark glasses. If the product comes in direct contact with your skin, we recommend immediate amputation of the affected area. If you have any complaints about our products, call 1-800-747-7633. Operators are standing by."
>call 1-800-747-7633
You hear a disembodied voice say, "To successfully complete a call, you must use the correct number of the party you wish to reach. If you need further assistance, please consult your users manual, as we never have operators standing by. Thank you for using Godsnet."
>Take the makeup
You take the makeup from the table.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
This is NOT the type of makeup you want to use at home, ladies.
Let's have some fun with the bed now.
- >lie down in bed
A bearded man with a heavy accent appears out of nowhere and says, "Unt zo! Ve zee you haf zee repressed desires mit die vitch. Do not give in to zem, my boy."
You blink your eyes and the man is gone.
>Look at the teddy bear
It's just a little stuffed animal. Harmless. Innocent. Not worth your attention at all.
>hit teddy bear
A low growl comes from the throat of the bear. You quickly pull back.
>Look at the teddy bear
It's a ferocious, man-eating, possessed creature that is more dangerous than anything you have yet faced on your journey.
:D
- >Look at the curtains
The curtains frame the window nicely.
>close curtains
An interior-design nymph pops into view and says, "You have no IDEA how hard I worked to get just this look. Please don't spoil it by messing with the curtains." The nymph holds a couple of wallpaper samples up next to the curtains, shakes her head quietly, and then disappears.
We're left with the broomstick, which is our ticket out.
- >Look at the broomstick
The broomstick is about half-sized, with training wheels.
>Take the broomstick
You take the broomstick.
>climb on broomstick
You hop on the broom, which immediately flies into the air, swirling and looping and bucking like an untamed horse. You manage to hang on for a few moments while the broom slams into the walls and the window, but eventually it does an inverted barrel roll and you fall off, injuring your pride more than your body.
That is, it will be our ticket out after we open the window...
- >Look at the window
It's a large window that looks out on the forbidding terrain surrounding the castle.
>Open the window
You open the window.
Now the broomstick can take you to one of two other locations. One is the Black Gate, in case you forgot the candygram.
- >climb on broomstick
You hop on the broom, which immediately flies into the air, swirling and looping and bucking like an untamed horse. Suddenly the broom sails out the open window and you find yourself conducting aerial maneuvers several hundred feet above the ground. You somehow manage to hang on, and after a while you coast to a landing outside the black gate, where you promptly fall off the broom. Looking back, you see skywriting that traces your wild ride. You can just make out the words, "Surrender Dorothy" before the smoke fades away.
The other place is this:
The obvious way forward is obvious.
- >open trap door
You grasp the ring and pull. The door swings open.
Yes, we're now inside the wedding cake. From here there are a LOT of ways to end the game prematurely. Here's a compilation for your enjoyment.
The others require that the wedding ceremony start, which you can do by just waiting until 11am.
From here on, there are any number of things you can do, each resulting in a different gruesome end.
Obviously, doing anything to interrupt the ceremony is not a good idea, so let's sit it out.
- A cheer goes up, and the Great Hall starts to fill with the most bizarre creatures you've ever seen. Eyestalks, tentacles, external gills, and other organs are randomly distributed among them, as if the guests had been created by a giant explosion in a body parts factory.
After a few moments, the Beast enters and drags Lorealle down the aisle to stand in front of the minister. She still looks beautiful, despite her week in captivity. She is dressed in a pure white gown, and the Whistle of Elyrium still hangs around her throat.
As a beaming witch looks on, the minister clears his throats and says, "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the bondage of Lorealle to the Beast..." The minister scratches his horn with one of his fins and then continues reading the words of the ceremony...
The minister looks up and says, "Who giveth this woman to the Beast?"
"I do," says the witch, handing him a Bill of Sale.
"Ah. The Hag of Honor." He examines the document, then he pockets it and continues with the ceremony...
The minister says, "I call now for the Mooning of the Bride." All the guests turn around and bare their backsides at Lorealle. This turns out to be less grotesque than you might imagine, as the parts revealed are far less disgusting than the parts you have already seen.
The minister resumes the ritual...
Of course Eric can do his part as well.
- >moon beast
Ever the polite wedding guest, you bare your butt. Fortunately, no one can see you hiding in that cake, so you get to live for a few more turns.
(I'll bet you're loads of fun at traffic lights, too.)
"Now for the Examination of the Groom, to determine if he indeed is wearing, 'Something cold, something red, something mangled, something dead'." A creature shuffles forward and rummages around inside the Beast's pants. After a while, it nods and retreats to its place...
At the back of the hall, a goat wanders into the room. Alarmed by the smell, it retreats again. The minister doesn't notice anything and continues with the service...
"Let us proceed to the Exhumation of the Groom's Great-grandparents."
This is obviously the part of the ceremony that the younger guests look forward to the most. Brandishing shovels and pickaxes, they rush out of the back of the hall and then return moments later, each waving a grisly object best left undescribed.
"Do you, Beast, take Lorealle to be your chattel, to do with exactly as you please, without regard to her dignity, health, or personal safety?"
The Beast says, "Roger that."
"Excellent." The minister continues, "And do you, Lorealle, consent to subjugate yourself to the Beast, forsaking all individuality, abandoning all hope of personal fulfillment, and dooming yourself to a life of unending drudgery that will make your very existence a living hell?"
"If it weren't beneath my dignity," replies Lorealle, "I'd tell you to crawl back into whatever maggot-infested hole you slithered out of this morning, and to take Mr. Pustule and his mutant plasm pals with you. Fortunately for you, however, I am constrained by good breeding to answer merely that I would much rather rot in the Cesspits of Karstia for all eternity than to be married to this loathsome creature."
The minister blinks and says, "I'll take that as a yes..."
The minister says, "May I have the manacles please?"
There is a brief moment of tension as the Best Man fumbles around, looking for the manacles. Finally he locates them in a fold of skin under his center armpit. He passes them to the minister and everybody breathes a collective sigh of relief. The minister tucks the manacles in his pocket and continues...
"Time now for the traditional Beheading of the Best Man."
Someone produces a large broadaxe and the Beast lops off the head of the creature standing nearest him. There is a smattering of applause as the ceremony continues...
"If there be any creature present who knows of any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever be forced to gossip about it behind their backs."
The witch glares around the room, as if daring someone to object...
The minister produces the manacles from his pocket and hands them to the Beast. "Then by the power vested in me by virtue of a fancy certificate I ordered through the mail, I now pronounce you Beast and Beastess. You may manacle the bride."
Waiting passively is also not good, though you have to admire Lorealle's character. However Eric can do better than that, though this will require going back to our convenient save in the witch's bedroom.
As before we grab the makeup, but let's go do something with it. Remember the chain holding the chandelier right above where the beast stands? Remember the fine print claiming the makeup will eat through any metal in 30 minutes? That includes the chain holding the chandelier.
- >e
Passageway
This is a secret passageway that runs between the turret and the witch's bedroom. The only thing you can make out here is a chain that is hooked to the ceiling and runs through a hole in the floor.
>put makeup on chain
You smear the makeup on the chain. It immediately goes to work dissolving the metal. Moments later, the pot pops out of existence.
[Your score has just gone up by 10.]
Now we wait.
- >wait
Time passes...
The chain looks about one-fifth gone.
The chain looks about two-fifths gone.
The chain looks about three-fifths gone.
The chain looks about four-fifths gone.
The chain is hanging by a thread.
Of course, you've
also got to remember what the witch said. Ceremony starts at 11 and goes on for half an hour. Therefore you've got to time it so that the chandelier crashes during this time, AND you've got to be in the wedding cake when it does, otherwise the witch will catch you. So after reloading, we sit there and wait for the right time.
Notice the perfect timing to crash it
Now we follow all the steps from before, getting on the broom, into the small space and then into the wedding cake, where we wait through the entire ceremony, until it gets to this point...
- "If there be any creature present who knows of any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever be forced to gossip about it behind their backs."
The witch glares around the room, as if daring someone to object...
Suddenly the chandelier plummets down from the ceiling. It scores a direct hit on the beast, and deals Lorealle a glancing blow. The beast falls to the ground, dead. Lorealle falls as well, but she doesn't appear to be seriously wounded. The room erupts in chaos.
I'd say this was the perfect way and timing to express Eric's objection
However Eric is still in trouble, and has exactly one turn before the witch fries him.
The candygram was the right idea, but how about giving it to the witch instead?
As usual, the signs of a quest completed. Let's get Lorealle and
get the hell out of here kiss her while she's unconscious.
- >take lorealle
Ever so tenderly, you gather the unconscious girl into your arms.
[Your score has just gone up by 20.]
Pieces of the castle are falling all around you.
>kiss lorealle
Here it is. The moment you've been waiting for. You've scratched and clawed your way across Torus just for this one opportunity. But wait! Is it right? Is it proper? Should the lips that kissed the farmer's pig dare to touch Lorealle's?
What the hell. Why not?
You bring your lips close to hers. At that precise moment, the slimewig suddenly makes a dash for freedom up your gullet and out your mouth. It does a quick tapdance across Lorealle's face and then runs away. By the time you're done throwing up, the idea of kissing Lorealle has lost a great deal of its charm.
The very foundation of the castle seems to be breaking up.
I WILL NOT BE DENIED
Morale of the story: thinking about sex while the whole damn place is crashing around you? NOT a good idea. So this time we grab Lorealle and RUN AWAY!
Now we can take our sweet time and relax, right?
Oops. Forgot about that little detail...
Well, Bud said to blow Lorealle whistle and Pegasus will take us home!
One magic ride is as good as another!
- >climb on duck
You deposit Lorealle on the duck and climb up after her.
[Your score has just gone up by 50.]
[You have now achieved a score of 1000 out of 1000 points.]
The magic bird takes off, and soon you are flying high over Torus. Lorealle awakens from her stupor and says, "Eric! I KNEW you would come." Before you can reply, the duck suddenly starts to lose altitude, and you start descending toward's Fudd's Castle.
And we're finally there, with a perfect score too! Have Eric and Lorealle made it back in time, or has the kingdom fallen into the hands of Grizelda the Hefty?
Yes, I trolled you: there is no funeral in this update.
And so endeth this LP. Thanks for watching/reading and goodnight.