WTF?! WHY on earth would anyone want to play this incredibly bad and terrible game that soiled the very Ultima series? Well I recently just finished Ultima's IV to VIII, and for some morbid reason, forgot why I should forever keep this turd fest forever on my shelf, collecting dust, and installed and loaded up the game.
This public service, I do, in order for the dear Codex reader to avoid this terrible game.
Since Ultima IX is a RPG, I present it here in this forum.
Let's begin, shall we?
Ahh Origin... the makers of GREAT role playing games!
The opening scene is of some old fucking farmer, pulling a cart.
Suddenly! A "scary" sound is heard, echoing in the wind!
The ground trembles and shakes violently! Mr. Old fucking farmer is vary scared!
Suddenly, something crashes up through the ground!
A giant, hot, red, and throbbing column, thrusts it's way upward!
My, what a big column!
Hmm, that giant rock tumbling down towards Mr. fucking old farmer doesn't bode well.
Oh well...
God damned Guardian! I was just having a nice dream about Steve, the really great guy I met last night at the bar... hmm let me turn the light on.
WHAT THE FUCK!!??
Apparently, the same affliction I had when going to Pagan, which suddenly turned me into a man is back again. Oh well. What's a lady to do?
Hmm... a TV. Let's see what is on, shall we?
The EA SPORTS CHANNEL?? What kind of nightmarish horrible world have I been brought to?? Let's turn this off for now.
Yes, I probably should perhaps put on some clothes.
Hmm... I wonder what people in this hellish world read when taking a crap?
Apparently equipping items.
There we are. Our studly clothed Avatar.
Let's head on downstairs. Ahh, a computer. Hmm something about a Ultima Online 2? I must be in some weird hellish alternate Earth world.
Our lovely kitchen. Featuring bread, cheese and rats on the floor.
Ah ha! This MUST be a TRUE Ultima! Because it's not an Ultima unless you can bake bread!
Let's look into the fridge. What? No fucking beer? This is definatly not my house, and what the fuck is that thing on the bottom shelf? I don't want to know. Let's get out of here!
The living room. I wonder if I can interact with it?
Why yes, yes I can! True roleplayering!!11!
Outside I learn to use a bow...
Use A sword...
And to play hopscotch!
A telescope! What mysteries will it reveal?
Well apparently some fucking hippies have moved in and set up camp. What is this world coming to?
I head out the gate, and Hawkwind reminds me, Britannia is a dangerous Place!! I surely need to practice my skills.
Ah! A fierce, deadly rabid wolf! Awaiting to stalk it's prey... me! I shall prepare myself!
Hmm... Mr. Fierce, deadly rabid wolf doesn't seem to want to play! I have this feeling, that he is actually supposed to be attacking me.
Well fuck it. Let practice my skills. What is this? Fierce, deadly rabid wolve's that carry coins? What the fuck? Do they need coins to go shopping at Wall-Mart? What a truly strange world this is.
Well here is that camp of fucking hippies. Let explore a bit more and came back here later.
A sekret cave!
Inhabited by a giant goat killing rat! I swiftly dispatch it!
What the fuck? Do all the wildlife here drop coins??
I explore the cave. Find a mysterious red potion and kill another goat killing coin dropping rat. The sekret cave ends here.
Back out side, I find the dreaded Software Pirate! These deadly and sick scoundrels can seed a lot of people, especially unsuspecting children! I must kill him, and end his wicked ways!
Futher on, I find a big fucking web, which I must hack away with at my sword to get through.
I try a bit of swimming.
And what is this? A waterfall? I shall search it!
Ah ha! A sekret cave with boxes and arrows!
Well, I don't know about you, but I am done with my exploration so far of this hellish strange world. Whew! Let's head back over to those god damned hippies.
[To Be Continued]
Questions? Comments? Want to see more?
I will be playing this regardless. I'll be happy to continue to document my encounters if you like.
This public service, I do, in order for the dear Codex reader to avoid this terrible game.
Since Ultima IX is a RPG, I present it here in this forum.
Let's begin, shall we?
Ahh Origin... the makers of GREAT role playing games!
The opening scene is of some old fucking farmer, pulling a cart.
Suddenly! A "scary" sound is heard, echoing in the wind!
The ground trembles and shakes violently! Mr. Old fucking farmer is vary scared!
Suddenly, something crashes up through the ground!
A giant, hot, red, and throbbing column, thrusts it's way upward!
My, what a big column!
Hmm, that giant rock tumbling down towards Mr. fucking old farmer doesn't bode well.
Oh well...
God damned Guardian! I was just having a nice dream about Steve, the really great guy I met last night at the bar... hmm let me turn the light on.
WHAT THE FUCK!!??
Apparently, the same affliction I had when going to Pagan, which suddenly turned me into a man is back again. Oh well. What's a lady to do?
Hmm... a TV. Let's see what is on, shall we?
The EA SPORTS CHANNEL?? What kind of nightmarish horrible world have I been brought to?? Let's turn this off for now.
Yes, I probably should perhaps put on some clothes.
Hmm... I wonder what people in this hellish world read when taking a crap?
Apparently equipping items.
There we are. Our studly clothed Avatar.
Let's head on downstairs. Ahh, a computer. Hmm something about a Ultima Online 2? I must be in some weird hellish alternate Earth world.
Our lovely kitchen. Featuring bread, cheese and rats on the floor.
Ah ha! This MUST be a TRUE Ultima! Because it's not an Ultima unless you can bake bread!
Let's look into the fridge. What? No fucking beer? This is definatly not my house, and what the fuck is that thing on the bottom shelf? I don't want to know. Let's get out of here!
The living room. I wonder if I can interact with it?
Why yes, yes I can! True roleplayering!!11!
Outside I learn to use a bow...
Use A sword...
And to play hopscotch!
A telescope! What mysteries will it reveal?
Well apparently some fucking hippies have moved in and set up camp. What is this world coming to?
I head out the gate, and Hawkwind reminds me, Britannia is a dangerous Place!! I surely need to practice my skills.
Ah! A fierce, deadly rabid wolf! Awaiting to stalk it's prey... me! I shall prepare myself!
Hmm... Mr. Fierce, deadly rabid wolf doesn't seem to want to play! I have this feeling, that he is actually supposed to be attacking me.
Well fuck it. Let practice my skills. What is this? Fierce, deadly rabid wolve's that carry coins? What the fuck? Do they need coins to go shopping at Wall-Mart? What a truly strange world this is.
Well here is that camp of fucking hippies. Let explore a bit more and came back here later.
A sekret cave!
Inhabited by a giant goat killing rat! I swiftly dispatch it!
What the fuck? Do all the wildlife here drop coins??
I explore the cave. Find a mysterious red potion and kill another goat killing coin dropping rat. The sekret cave ends here.
Back out side, I find the dreaded Software Pirate! These deadly and sick scoundrels can seed a lot of people, especially unsuspecting children! I must kill him, and end his wicked ways!
Futher on, I find a big fucking web, which I must hack away with at my sword to get through.
I try a bit of swimming.
And what is this? A waterfall? I shall search it!
Ah ha! A sekret cave with boxes and arrows!
Well, I don't know about you, but I am done with my exploration so far of this hellish strange world. Whew! Let's head back over to those god damned hippies.
[To Be Continued]
Questions? Comments? Want to see more?
I will be playing this regardless. I'll be happy to continue to document my encounters if you like.
