WARNING!
WARNING!
WARNING!
SHIELD FAILURE IS IMMINENT!
Very well. Evacuate all personnel.
This is goodbye, captain.
----
Evacuation complete. Diverting all power to engines. Ship can now resume mission.
Starboard 120.
*BOOM*
(Or maybe not)
Well, that was an interesting glimpse into the past. The very first thing you see upon waking up is...
This fucker. Well gee, don't you just want to lay back down and die? Don't worry, this is the only time you ever see anything like this in the entire game. He was wandering around through the junkyard looking for bottle caps or something.
You next wake up here:
It seems they've replaced your high tech robo body with a tin can with no balls. Yes, the octopus is the engineer fixing you.
"This looks so bad! And after finally finding a living core.
Octopus: Thats how it goes, I had to make this with scrap parts.
Was the core really alive?
Octopus: See for yourself. There, you can move it.
(Failed screenshot of frankenstein lightning here.)
It looks dead. Thank God, dead ones bring more money.
You were thinking of selling it sis?
Of course, even the worst core can bring in over a month's rent.
Confirming status of moving parts:
Attack: Deplorable.
Confirming next mission: Unable
It must have been a combat model.
A combat model? Yessss! I finally hit the jackpot!
(Yeah he sure looks badass...)
Malfunction: Repairs needed.
Now we can walk around.
I don't know.
I'll call you: Sir Thyme.
Heh heh, Sir Thyme. That's weird.
No more talk Thyme. Go find some more scrap parts!
State your rank and class miss.
Hehe, he called you miss.
Shut up up Thyme! I'm Rosemary, Thyme's (evil step-) sister. You can call me Rose.
.. .. Are you the officer in charge of Sir Thyme?
Cthulu Wannabe: Haha. something like that.
Stop teasing Uncle Taco.
That's Uncle Taco, he knows a lot about mecs and machines. In fact, he assembled you.
You are an engineer, Sir Uncle Taco?
Sir Uncle Taco! Now theres a classy name.
Sir Uncle Taco: Don't put 'Sir' in front of everything. Just call me Taco.
What is your name
Model T 260 - ID Number 7074-8782-1099
What'll we call him?
Now we put in our name. However, I'm going to use the default, because we don't get what we type in, we get...
How about T260?
Sir Taco: Make sure you put a G on the end. After all, I assembled him.
Then it's T260G.
(Nothing so enjoyable as putting in an actual name to have G tacked on the end and restarting to go through all the cutscenes and rename yourself. Fucking octopus.)
As you can see, we having astonishingly high stats. Or would if we were playing, say Fallout. In this game We'll get eaten alive by mutant hedgehogs. At least Sir Uncle Taco dug a bazooka out of the scrap for us. You know, so we can defend ourselves from hedgehogs.
After heading outside...
My sister's always telling me not to wander around alone anymore. But now I'm not alone! (I have an untested war machine dug out of a junkyard to protect me!) Lets go on an expedition. We're the Thyme expedition team! And I'm the Captain.
Yes, Sir Thyme.
No! Captain. You know, like Captain Kirk.
Yes, Captain Thyme.
Thyme isn't a party member, so he doesn't understand the desperate need to break into the houses of total strangers. In the lower left you can see a skeleton abusing his robot slave. I'm an evil looking mec, but the walking dead are upstanding citizens of this immense junkyard. (The region we're in right now is actually called Junk, and only accessible from starting this story. It's such a worthless shitball nobody else would ever come here.) Overhearing some other people talking to eachother reveals that this place is a shitball, and some guy named Caballero is important, or something.
Here is where I dug you up!
Exact directives cannot be determined because of memory failure. Must confirm exact details of mission.
Sounds tough.
For reference, they're standing at the edge of this crater. Going down further into it, our intrepid scrap heap determines from the state of the stuff he was pulled out of, he's been out for 20-40k years.
Next, we head over to the battle arena in the lower right, like any properly suicidal robot would.
Thyme informs us that he's not supposed to come here and his sister will have his balls if we tell her he brought us her to get us killed. Go figure. We head over to the bar and meet our best friend Gen.
Gen tells us that since it's a combat model, it's gotta be strong, so we should go fight and he'll bet on us. Sounds like great adivce! Who'd have thought drunk people could be so helpful? (You can't tell from the picture, but the piano in the corner is playing itself because it kicks ass.)
Following Gen's advice, I talk to the puddle of gelatinous oozein the other room and tell him I'm a participant. And off I go into my first fight, no waiting required.
Good thing explosives only have an effective radius of about 2 feet or everyone in this shitty arena would have died from that rocket. After a good punch in the bumper to finish it off, we win and suck the brains out of it. (I shit you not, everything in this game except the humans are vampiric. Mechs suck data out of the fallen enemy of choice to learn skills.) Since I fought a flailing go cart however, I don't learn anything. A couple more fights (Only one of which I win) Earns a bit of cash and some more scrap to equip. I'm now weilding the awesome might of a broken bumper and some Junk.
Heading back home Taco repairs our glorious swag into a working bumper and some kind of junk helmet. Now I'm sure none can stand before me. A pity I lost the third fight, I think that guy dropped a gun or something.
Oh noe! I forgot about our drunken buddy. Heading back to go see him, Rosemary is waiting for us. Well. That would have made sense if I hadn't forgotten about Gen I suppose. Or If I'd been returning to Taco and back to the arena multiple times.
She rips into us and warns us that I might break, being a useless heap of scrap. Then we hear gunfire and go outside to investigate. Seems some crazed robot is in the arena threatening to kill anyone who disobeys Mr Caballero.
Knock it off! We're not afraid of you or Caballero! T260G, go get him!
(WHAT?)
He can't handle that monster!
What about it, can you beat him?
.. ..
Repeating Command: Attack Enemy Mec.
With that, we zip off into the arena at about mach 30. I really wish I knew how to alter the frame rate on this stupid emulator. At least the game itself has a two button 1 second quicksave that works anywhere so I don't need the keyboard to save.
Having bought some repairkits when I went into town, this fight is a piece of cake, and I rip a handgun off the enemy corpse somehow.
However, apparently being filled with twin vulcan rounds isn't good for me, because after the battle I'm on the table and S.U.T. is fixing me up again.
Hey, you're pretty good. Even if you don't look like a Terminator...
Thank you Miss Rose. Where is Captain Thyme?
He makes you call him that? He'll never grow up. He went to find some parts for you.
Well, now that we're free of the fleshbag we can break into all those houses we couldn't before. However, theres nothing of particular interest inside them. So, I head over the the arena, since Thyme is probably with our good drunken buddy Gen.
Rosemary interrupts us before we can talk though.
They've kidnapped Thyme! T260G, do something!
Something?
Go help Thyme!
Roger, Ms. Rose.
Drunken Hobo: I'll go too.
Really Gen?
Punk: Like that drunk will be of any use.
Bartender: Gen, please pay the bill before you go.
Later! I'll take care of the bill. Please Hurry!
With that, Gen heads out the door with Rose, screwing over the bartender.
Tune in next time, when drunk people prove their awesomeness!
