Chapter 76 - Full circle
IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes destroyed Shinra. Heidegger and Scarlet got themselves blown the fuck up inside a giant robot, and Hojo transformed himself into a monster and got himself sliced, diced and shot to death. Also his ponytail was promptly shoved up his ass and lit on fire, as a beacon of hope for all to see until the tragic little man finally disintegrated like the magical collection of stardust he was. Now join us as we do prepare for the final battle with Sephiroth and the strawberry delight that is Jenova.
Nanaki, how long until Meteor falls?
Seven more days. That's what Grandpa said.
Seven... Alright, we're gonna beat Sephiroth, release Holy and save the Planet. You all with me?
Course we are, you fuck!
But, are we really fighting for the sake of the Planet? Is that really what we're doing?
...alright, you lost me.
For me, this is a personal feud. I want to beat Sephiroth, and settle my past. Saving the Planet... just happens to be part of that.
Have you been thinking again, Cloud?
Fuck. Alright, let's hear it.
I think we all are fighting for ourselves. For ourselves... and that someone... something... whatever it is, that is important to us. That's what we're fighting for. That's why we keep up this battle for the Planet.
Oh of course, Cloud. I mean, if it wasn't because you actually need the Planet TO LIVE, I'm sure you wouldn't fight for it. Absolutely not.
You're right... It sounds cool, sayin' it's to save the Planet. But I was the one who blew up that mako reactor. Lookin' back on it now, I can see it wasn't the right way to do things... I made a lot of innocent people suffer... At first, it was for revenge. Shinra destroyed my hometown... But now, now I'm fighting for Marlene. For her future. Yeah, I guess I want to save the Planet for her sake.
Go and see her. Make sure she's alright.
I love Cid. I don't care how many times I say it.
So anyway, let's watch Cloud make his speech completely useless.
Yeah, it's because you have a score to settle with Sephiroth and..
Uh... Suuuuuure...
Sorry, I just jammed a fork up my ass. I'm going to fastforward until you say something that isn't fucking retarded, alright?
What are going to do, Tifa?
Don't tell me you forgot. I don't have anywhere to go.
And fade out!
Yeah, we don't have anyone or anywhere to go home to.
You're right.
Of course he's right! He just repeated exactly what you said a minute ago!
But I'm sure someday... they'll come back, don't you think?
Who? What, the other party members? Of course they'll come back. Especially Cid! Shit, it's his fucking airship! You think he'll just leave it with you?
Hmm... I wonder..?
What, you really think he'll leave the airship with you? You're outta your goddamn mind!
Everyone has an irreplaceable something they're holding onto. But this time, our opponent...
Hmm... but that's alright. Even if noone comes back. As long as I'm with you... As long as you're by my side... I won't give up even if I'm scared.
Oh, will you please just start humping each other already?
No matter how close we are... We were far apart.... before this.... But when we were in the Lifestream surrounded by all those screams of anguish, I thought I heard your voice...
EMOTIONAL SCENE.
But deep in my heart, I heard you calling my name... Or at least I thought I did.
At that time, I heard you calling me... You were calling me back from the stream of consciousness in the Lifestream. After all, I promised. That if anything were to happen to you, I would come to help.
Do you think they see how hard we're fighting for them?
I dunno, but... Whether they are or not, we still have to do what we can. And believe in ourselves. Someday, we'll find the answer. Right, Tifa? That's what I learned from you when I was in the Lifestream.
Yeah, that's right.
Tifa, there's a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about. But now that we're together like this, I don't really know what I really wanted to say. I guess nothing's changed at all... Kind of makes you want to laugh...
What do y--
Ohhhh....
And fade out.
We should get back to the ship.
Cloud... just... This day will never come again, so... just, just a little longer. Let me have this moment.
Alright.
But back to the ship they eventually went, and...
Well, looks like it's just you and me then!
It sure is going to feel lonely without everyone else.
Don't worry, honey. I'll make a ruckus so loud you'll never even notice all the empty space.
Oh Cloud...
... forgets about everyone else.
Now let's bear in mind that these two are the dumbest members of the group.
Ho ho ho, let's go to the bridge and play pilot and stewardess!
Can I be the pilot?
Sure!
SUDDENLY!
You two were playing pilot and stewardess?!!
Uh... sure. I guess.
Oh my god I don't even want to know what role you played!
I decided to go into the adult movie industry.
Oh, it a lot more than that, my friend! Nanaki is going to revolutionize pornography!
Do I want to know this?
See, there's this whole, untapped genre with so much potential, just waiting for us to exploit it!
And this why you're going to save the planet?
Sure is. I'm going to be a famous and rich pornstar!
You're a tiger!
A TALKING tiger!
Yeah, see, up to this point all the tigers in the Girl on Tiger films have been either dubbed or mute!
I'll take your word for it.
But I, as you can hear, have a firm grip on the english language!
So what's your porn name gonna be, then?
Red XIII.
..huh?
It's a description for his cock! Jeez...
..right. Well, whatever, as long as you'll help save the planet.
Oh I'll save this planet alright! You can trust on me and my red thirteen inches!
Great.
Are they really thirteen inches?
Tifa, not now!
Okay.
SUDDENLY, Tifa realizes something!
If you three were up here... Were you watching us?
Well... kinda.
Sorta.
A bit.
Your tits looked spectacular in the moonlight, Tifa.
:!:
Might wanna get a room next time...
Oh, the eternal funny ladies-only shame of sexual intercourse!
Oh, here comes Vincent! I wonder what he found out there in the world to protect!
I found a rabbit.
A... rabbit?
... a bunny rabbit?
Why such a puzzled look?
A rabbit is fine. Welcome back.
Good, I'll go and stand in my usual spot.
Uh, do you have the rabbit with you?
No, a gold chocobo ate it so he has it now.
A gold chocobo?
Yes. I left it with the guy in the stables.
Excellent!
Did I miss anything while I was gone?
Nanaki is going to be a pornstar, Cid and Barret is going to direct.
And produce, muthafucka!
Yes, and Vincent caught a golden chocobo.
Actually it was a rabbit first but the chocobo ate the ra--
Yes. And that's a--
And also Cloud and I had sex and everyone here but you and Vincent saw it.
....
....
....
Sorry I missed that.
So what did you do?
Masturbated. Mostly.
Felt nice?
Yeah. I'm gonna save the planet so I can keep masturbating.
Excellent! Welcome back!
Are you two going to keep having sex in public?
Mayb--
Welcome back! Wander off to your spot before I change my mind!
Okay.
Man, I haven't jerked off in fifty years.
Save the planet and you can start a club with Reeve afterwards.
SUDDENLY!
Welcome back, Yuffie. What did you do on your free time?
I visited my dad.
That's boring.
At least I have a dad.
That's a low blow...
Whatever, I'll be on the toilet.
You mean the engine room.
Right, I'm going to puke all over the engine.
Alright.
Well, I guess you all came back... (fuck!)
Yeah! We came back to secure our careers as pornographic film makers!
Whatever! You came back, and that's what matters!
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Oh hey, I just forgot that there was something back in Nibelheim I..
Too late for that, boy! I just hit the hyperdrive!
Hyper... drive..?
HOLD ON TO YOUR DRAWERS AND DON'T PISS IN 'EM!!
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
To be... CONCLUDED?!