"God made Hell, but saw that it was not bad enough, so he added flies and made Mesopotamia."
"Andhaira! Andhaira! Andhaira!" The old cry of the first Baluchi Horde resounds throughout the Empire. The people demand victory, and the Shahanshah is happy to oblige. He fully intends to lead his men on a glorious march all the way to the gates of Baghdad. The Moslem filth will be swept aside by a tide of goats!
The Shahanshah's allies all flock to his cause, and likewise the Persians call upon their old pacts. The Turks, Somalis and Arabs have answered the call. The Ottoman Empire is a cripple, the Omani Sultanate is irrelevant, and Adal is simply a wasteland, populated entirely by savages.
The Persians boast a larger cavalry corps than the Andhairavid Hordes, but otherwise they are completely outnumbered and outmatched. An initial victory is won along the border, despite fairly heavy casualties on both sides.
The Delhi Horde, under the personal command of the Shahanshah, moves into Herat and encounters another Persian force. They are pushed back without too much trouble, and several thousand Muslims are killed or captured.
The Shahanshah swiftly occupies Herat, establishing a foothold in enemy territory. Meanwhile, near the Straits of Hormuz, the first Persian army is cornered and completely routed. This initial triumph serves to assure Andhairavid troops of their own superiority, as their Shahanshah urges them onwards.
The Shahanshah harries the Persians back to their heartlands, while the supporting Hordes slowly occupies their border provinces.
The Persians are consistently pushed back from their fortresses. Even Hormuz, a center of Iranian culture and commerce in the Middle East, falls to the Shahanshah's Djinn-blessed fist.
The Andhairavid navy beats back the pitiful Moslem fleet, but not before the Omani Arabs manage to land a small force in Retardo Land.
Horrified beyond sanity by their experiences in Retardo Land, the Omani troops are rendered near useless. The Omani Sultan agrees to a white peace, in exchange for the safe return of his men. The Shahanshah agrees. If Oman leaves the war, then the Shahanshah will have undisputed naval dominance, making protection of the colonies substantially easier.
Seeing that the Arabs have left the war, and realising the vulnerability of his own homeland, the Sultan of Adal also agrees to peace.
Andhairavid troops continue in their push to Baghdad and Azerbaijan, occupying several key cities and forts along the Southern coast of the Caspian.
Another victory is won against the battered Persians, leaving over 4000 heathens dead, and the rest fleeing back towards their capital. It would seem that the Shahanshah's initial momentum is overwhelming the foe.
!
Fucking Europeans, man.
The Persians are once again beaten, this time with the aid of a small Kashimiri detachment.
Phew, the Djinn have passed over Delhi. This is an omen of victory, to be sure!
Two more victories are won. Many thousands of Persians are butchered or scattered. This is proving to be even more of a walkover than the conquest of Afghanistan, so called "Grave of Empires". Without even the high mountains to shelter them, the Iranians are rapidly being overwhelmed by the Shahanshah and his men.
The Hordes continue to push into Persia. Now Andhairavid troops are finally making headway in the old heartlands of Middle-Eastern Civilisation. First, Central Iran will fall, then Azerbaijan, then Mesopotamia and Baghdad.
The main Persian force shows itself near Azerbaijan, engaging the Shahanshah at Gilan. It is a close fight, but superior Andhairavid discipline and firepower win the day. The province of Gilan itself is promptly occupied, opening up the way to Azerbaijan.
The Shahanshah harries the Persians away from their capital, denying them much needed reinforcements. Further East, a supporting Horde also chases a smaller Persian force out of Ajam.
The Gujarati Horde forces its way along the Southern Iran, capturing various ports and cities along the Persian Gulf. The past few years have seen the Qara Koyunhu, who have ruled Persia for centuries, falling apart at the seams. They are hardly fit to rule such a rich and historically significant land, not when the Shahanshah has a claim to it.
Manboons have attacked a colony! These savages have fallen upon the Shahanshah's settlers, tastelessly raping innocent Sikhs and plundering all that they have built! This cannot stand!
Although it's not like there's any way to retaliate.
Andhairavid troops spill into the Qara Koyunhu homeland. Azerbaijan itself falls to the Shahanshah. All that remains is to march West, and capture the legendary heart of Mesopotamia, Baghdad. The Persians are beaten, they suffer a defeat of some sort almost daily. The Iranians, who scorned the Shahanshah, will now submit to the Great Goat.
Meanwhile, Azathoth pays Andhaira a visit, while Dagon relaxes out in the subterranean Seagoat pools under the palace.
Baghdad is Andhairavid! The Shahanshah has brought the war to its natural and inevitable conclusion. The Persians have no fight left in them, they are be-
Bitch.
Despite the setback in Khuzestan, progress is made further North. Andhairavid troops even manage to penetrate into Persian ruled Georgia. Perhaps in time, the stamp of Inanity will spread beyond Kartli, into the heartland of eastern Christianity.
The Deva Bengalis recapture Khuzestan. Thanks bros, now we can go for Basra!
Retardo Land develops into self sufficient, productive colony, while Central Manboonia becomes a fully integrated part of the Empire, despite the recent Manboon assault. Things are going very well on the colonial front. If the Shahanshah had more colonists, he could easily hold complete sway over the archipelago in a decade's time, Goat willing
The Basra campaign goes poorly, to say the least. A joint Mameluke (they joined in at some point, I suppose) Andhairavid assault goes awry, no doubt due to Egyptian treachery, and the Shahanshah is deprived of the manpower needed to finish the siege. Grudgingly, the Shahanshah retreats, already quite delighted with his conquests.
Elsewhere, an Andhairavid expedition into the Southern Andhairic Ocean has lead to the discovery of a strange, desolate island filled with bizarre creatures and strange dark-skinned manboon tribes. The Explorer names this weird and wonderful place New South Sindh, but word has yet to reach the Shahanshah. This could have enormous significance for Andhairavid colonial efforts...
Word comes in from the West. The decadent sodomites of the Netherlands have staged a true Revolution, and have cast out their prudish, heterosexual overlords. The new Consul has shown himself to be a firm believer in goat-fucking, so the Shahanshah is loathe to join his fellow rulers in condemning these Revolutionaries.
The Persians are broken. Whatever's left of their army is in total disarray, as petty nobles fight over the scraps of a dead Empire, while the Khan is in hiding. The Shahanshah takes what he likes. The great cities of Baghdad and Hormuz join Delhi, Baroda, Bihar, Maharashtra, Goa and Bangalore as hubs of Andhairavid enlightenment. Persia, rechristened as Andhairsia, is made into another province of the Empire. The Shahanshah has put to shame the conquerors before him, Timur, Alexander, and many others succeeded in conquering Iran, but none held on. Andhaira does not intend to follow in their footsteps.
Pro Goat! Timur would blush.
A new Persian Horde, consisting of over 30,000 men, is ordered by the Shahanshah. Even now, the Turks, the Arabs, and all the other scum that turned their noses up at Andhairavidia must surely tremble with every waking breath.
Fearing an Andhairavid campaign into Anatolia, the failing Ottoman Empire agrees to release some of their outer provinces as sovereign states, allied to the Shahanshah. The Near East is surely ripe for the taking.
The Ottoman Empire is essentially dead. Istanbul is occupied, and the Sultan is a mere figurehead. All it needs is a push, and it will topple over.
A great university is commissioned in Bihar. The reign of Andhaira XVII would be remembered as a golden age of enlightenment and conquest, this university his stamp on the Empire. Andhairavid learning is the finest in all Asia, and the Shahanshah is nothing if not a patron of knowledge.
While the Hordes were busy in Andhairsia, the Assamese have successfully annexed Bengal, removing the pesky state and forming a solid buffer against any Indochinese incursions. The Shahanshah looks on this independent expansion of Andhairavidism with delighted approval.
With Transoxiana, Persia, and the Ottoman Empire all reduced to insignificance, Islam is no longer a great power in the world. Many Moslems are abandoning their faith, converting instead to Sikhism and the doctrine of the Goat.
The Persian Khan dies a broken man. The Qara Koyunhu dynasty, or at least its main branch, died with him. His Kingdom passes on to the Bey of Candar. A pitiful fate for what was once a great power in the world.
One would think that the successive conquests of such large areas of land would prove disastrous for the bureaucracy, but it is not so. Thanks to the Shahanshah's great competency, the new provinces are easily integrated into the traditional administrative structure, while unwanted elements are expelled into Syria and Central Asia. The Shahanshah even manages to secure a positive relationship with the many new states sprouting up out of the ashes of the old Empires.
But, even the greatest of men must die eventually, even if it is only to be reborn. The greatest Empire on the face of the Earth, perhaps the greatest in History, now passes to the eighteenth Andhaira. He has a great legacy to uphold, but his forefather's succeeded admirably, so why shouldn't he?
It is the end of an era, as the new Shahanshah guides his great Empire into the modern age. It will be a struggle, but the Empire has endured far worse in its time. Andhaira I, living embodiment of the Great Goat, his glorious avatar on Earth, is watching over him, he cannot, must not falter.
Andhairavidia would continue to expand, subduing the Turks, Arabs, Berbers, Mongoloids and the myriad peoples of the Far East, while also adding the new continent of Andhairlia to its dominions. The Revolutionary Republic of Sodom, formerly the Netherlands, would consolidate Europe into its grip, while the Canadian Empire would come to dominate the New World. These three mighty states would wage endless war, Africa serving as a primary battleground, eventually shattering into many thousands of islands from the weight of the conflict. This debris would become the new Retardo Land, a place where even the bravest Sikh would not tread, a place of great evil and horror, all that is wrong and unnatural about the universe, abode of the Prime Djinn.
After centuries of conflict, a Shahanshah would emerge victorious, uniting the Earth under one glorious Emperor, ready to bring the Goat to worlds beyond.
Although the old Shahs lived and died as mortals, the 100th Andhaira would become something more. Some would call him a reincarnation of the Inane One, a new avatar for the Great Goat. He would lead his people, bringing inanity to the stars. Conflict would reign for many millennia, but soon, all of creation would submit to the Goat. The herds of Andhairavidia would wander freely across the stars, and the Shahanshah would rule on until the end of time, when, as appointed by the Great Goat, he would take his place as head of his forefathers, Inane God of a new creation, a Great Goat of Inanity.
Pro Andhaira!