Let's Play Magna Mundi: Pakistan Ascendant

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I wonder if you'll actually get refugees to Retardo Land.

Alas, no. Portugal has dominated Africa for a while now, with the only surviving state being a Muslim Mali, so I think Fetishism is pretty much dead already.

 

[Hellraiser]

The Fetishists of Retardo Land will form their own utopia with or without refugees. That is the only truly inane way in which they should proceed.

 

[Brotherman Bill]

I meant to post this a long time ago, but I didn't

Well, here it goes, a bunch of SHOCKING, NEVER SEEN BEFORE LIVE FOOTAGE of the Andhairan royal headdress:

Andhaira leads the men into battle

Andhaira inspires the men! It is super effective!

In the traditional royal marriage seremony, Anhaira carries his new, 40th wife on his head into womanhood.

Stout royal guardsman

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Sikhs must have necks like a Liefeldian comic protagonist.

 

[GarfunkeL]

Moar!

 

[Fafnir]

Moar!

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Working on it, bros. I'll do a peacetime one and then the big ITZ finale tomorrow or the day after.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

The Shahanshah initiates a fort building project across the newly annexed province of Andhairistan. These new fortifications, built throughout the already formidable Afghan mountains, will ensure that Andhairistan remains a firm barrier between the barbaric Uzbeks and Kazakhs of the north, and the loyal, civilised citizenry in the South.

The Retardolandic manboons are proving receptive to Andhairavid emissaries. This speaks well of them. A pact has already been sealed between native manboons and Fetishist settlers.

Manboons are returning to Central Manboonia in greater numbers. The original manboons here were originally wiped out by an Andhairavid landing force during the conquest of Makassar. They are proving initially hostile, but the Shahanshah is certain that his inanities will persuade them onto the path of peace. Otherwise, they will be exterminated.

The Brandenburgian Potato Empire of Central Europe have occupied one of Persia's colonies in the Andhairic Ocean. Perhaps they seek to carve out their own colonial Empire? More importantly, this suggests that Persia lacks the strength of arms to defend its holdings. The time may soon be ripe to begin the anticipated conquest of Iran.

Horse-artillery is introduced from Europe, a completely new innovation in Asia. This should help ensure the continued military dominance of the Andhairavid Hordes. The Qara Koyunhu are not quite as backwards as their Uzbek cousins, they have access to the heartlands of Islamic civilisation. They may be able to put up more of a fight, so it is imperative that every advantage be secured prior to any campaigns.

The Shahanshah's Assamese cousin has started a war in the Kingdom of Bengal, an independent Buddhist state on the Eastern fringe of the Empire. The Assamese attacked without provocation, so the Shahanshah cannot sanction the war. His cousin should be strong enough on his own to emerge victorious. The Shahanshah looks on with approval. Sanctioned or not, this is an expansion of both Sikhism and Andhairavidism.

The Shahanshah ensures the Raja that he has no intention of abandoning his family. The alliance is re-forged, confirming the relationship between Assam and Andhairavidia.

Meanwhile...

(I have no clue why I got this event, presumably it has something to do with the sudden conquest of a few hundred thousand angry Muslims)

Butthurt stirs in Inania. To avoid the complete depopulation of the island, the Shahanshah bribes the Butt-pirate leader with a harem of Baluchi goats. In a way, this is a show of strength. Only a man as great as the Shahanshah could hand out such a princely gift as though it were a manboon's shriveled scrotum.

The Manboonia colony has grown large enough to become self-sustaining, although it is still reliant on trade with the Imperial mainland.

A look at the Northern barbarians. Transoxiana is still the dominant power in Central Asia. A second Uzbek Khanate has broken away from the Transoxianans, and is now contending with the Kazakhs over the corpse of a dying Empire.

Meanwhile, in Frankfurt.

A second Revolution has broken out in the failing Ottoman Empire. This coincides with an invasion by various Christian Balkan states. The Revolutionaries have even captured Thrace and taken the Sultan hostage.

Can the KKKodex spot what's wrong (or, if you like, absolutely terrifying) with this picture?

New infantry and cavalry tactics are introduced. As usual, the developments are derived from western innovations, building on older formations and technologies. This doesn't bring Andhairavidia up to date with the West, but it certainly puts the Empire on an even footing with the less developed European states. In Asia, the new military is far in excess of anything the Shahanshah's neighbours can muster.

The Shahanshah's soldiers also get fancy new uniforms. One must look their best when brutalising the foul outer manboons that dare defy their rightful Emperor, after all.

With this new military, the Persians don't stand a chance. The Shahanshah places his troops along the border. Iran shouldn't prove as tough a nut to crack as Afghanistan, but the Persians themselves are far more able fighters, even without the advantage of easily defensible terrain. No matter, they shall be scoured from the Baluchi homeland. Andhaira will follow in the footsteps of Darius, Iskander, Timur, Temujin, and all the other great conquerors who passed over this land in their own glorious Wars of Peace. Pro goat, to war!

 

[Calego]

Quail before the Brandenborg! So, do they have a province in Africa or something, or did they use no-naval-attrition magicks to go all the way from the Baltic to Indonesia?

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

The latter, I think. Portugal is pretty much dominant in Africa, with Naples and Britain here and there.

 

[GarfunkeL]

For the Goat! The updates always get a chuckle out of me. Can you reach Mediterranean and the Red Sea before time runs out?

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Time is running short. The Persians need to feel Andhaira's love!

Who is the HRE, or was it dismantled? That is probably the most messed-up Europe that I have ever seen. Austria didn't do squat.

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

Alas Garfunkel, no. At this stage in the game, two big Empires duking it out can take up to a decade. I do get pretty damn far in though, as you'll see.

Bavaria is the HRE. The OE bumrushed Austria, who remained crippled even after the Turks themselves began to fall apart.

 

[commybro]

Glorious Update Cumrade

 

[Hellraiser]

No Austria? Bohemia not blobbing? Ottomans hit by ITZ?

Wait is that Brandenburg?

 

[Conkrete Knight]

Brandenburg.... in a personal union with France. I would get nervous

 

[Furious Flaming Faggot]

"God made Hell, but saw that it was not bad enough, so he added flies and made Mesopotamia."

"Andhaira! Andhaira! Andhaira!" The old cry of the first Baluchi Horde resounds throughout the Empire. The people demand victory, and the Shahanshah is happy to oblige. He fully intends to lead his men on a glorious march all the way to the gates of Baghdad. The Moslem filth will be swept aside by a tide of goats!

The Shahanshah's allies all flock to his cause, and likewise the Persians call upon their old pacts. The Turks, Somalis and Arabs have answered the call. The Ottoman Empire is a cripple, the Omani Sultanate is irrelevant, and Adal is simply a wasteland, populated entirely by savages.

The Persians boast a larger cavalry corps than the Andhairavid Hordes, but otherwise they are completely outnumbered and outmatched. An initial victory is won along the border, despite fairly heavy casualties on both sides.

The Delhi Horde, under the personal command of the Shahanshah, moves into Herat and encounters another Persian force. They are pushed back without too much trouble, and several thousand Muslims are killed or captured.

The Shahanshah swiftly occupies Herat, establishing a foothold in enemy territory. Meanwhile, near the Straits of Hormuz, the first Persian army is cornered and completely routed. This initial triumph serves to assure Andhairavid troops of their own superiority, as their Shahanshah urges them onwards.

The Shahanshah harries the Persians back to their heartlands, while the supporting Hordes slowly occupies their border provinces.

The Persians are consistently pushed back from their fortresses. Even Hormuz, a center of Iranian culture and commerce in the Middle East, falls to the Shahanshah's Djinn-blessed fist.

The Andhairavid navy beats back the pitiful Moslem fleet, but not before the Omani Arabs manage to land a small force in Retardo Land.

Horrified beyond sanity by their experiences in Retardo Land, the Omani troops are rendered near useless. The Omani Sultan agrees to a white peace, in exchange for the safe return of his men. The Shahanshah agrees. If Oman leaves the war, then the Shahanshah will have undisputed naval dominance, making protection of the colonies substantially easier.

Seeing that the Arabs have left the war, and realising the vulnerability of his own homeland, the Sultan of Adal also agrees to peace.

Andhairavid troops continue in their push to Baghdad and Azerbaijan, occupying several key cities and forts along the Southern coast of the Caspian.

Another victory is won against the battered Persians, leaving over 4000 heathens dead, and the rest fleeing back towards their capital. It would seem that the Shahanshah's initial momentum is overwhelming the foe.

!



Fucking Europeans, man.

The Persians are once again beaten, this time with the aid of a small Kashimiri detachment.

Phew, the Djinn have passed over Delhi. This is an omen of victory, to be sure!

Two more victories are won. Many thousands of Persians are butchered or scattered. This is proving to be even more of a walkover than the conquest of Afghanistan, so called "Grave of Empires". Without even the high mountains to shelter them, the Iranians are rapidly being overwhelmed by the Shahanshah and his men.

The Hordes continue to push into Persia. Now Andhairavid troops are finally making headway in the old heartlands of Middle-Eastern Civilisation. First, Central Iran will fall, then Azerbaijan, then Mesopotamia and Baghdad.

The main Persian force shows itself near Azerbaijan, engaging the Shahanshah at Gilan. It is a close fight, but superior Andhairavid discipline and firepower win the day. The province of Gilan itself is promptly occupied, opening up the way to Azerbaijan.

The Shahanshah harries the Persians away from their capital, denying them much needed reinforcements. Further East, a supporting Horde also chases a smaller Persian force out of Ajam.

The Gujarati Horde forces its way along the Southern Iran, capturing various ports and cities along the Persian Gulf. The past few years have seen the Qara Koyunhu, who have ruled Persia for centuries, falling apart at the seams. They are hardly fit to rule such a rich and historically significant land, not when the Shahanshah has a claim to it.

Manboons have attacked a colony! These savages have fallen upon the Shahanshah's settlers, tastelessly raping innocent Sikhs and plundering all that they have built! This cannot stand!


Although it's not like there's any way to retaliate.

Andhairavid troops spill into the Qara Koyunhu homeland. Azerbaijan itself falls to the Shahanshah. All that remains is to march West, and capture the legendary heart of Mesopotamia, Baghdad. The Persians are beaten, they suffer a defeat of some sort almost daily. The Iranians, who scorned the Shahanshah, will now submit to the Great Goat.

Meanwhile, Azathoth pays Andhaira a visit, while Dagon relaxes out in the subterranean Seagoat pools under the palace.

Baghdad is Andhairavid! The Shahanshah has brought the war to its natural and inevitable conclusion. The Persians have no fight left in them, they are be-

Bitch.

Despite the setback in Khuzestan, progress is made further North. Andhairavid troops even manage to penetrate into Persian ruled Georgia. Perhaps in time, the stamp of Inanity will spread beyond Kartli, into the heartland of eastern Christianity.

The Deva Bengalis recapture Khuzestan. Thanks bros, now we can go for Basra!

Retardo Land develops into self sufficient, productive colony, while Central Manboonia becomes a fully integrated part of the Empire, despite the recent Manboon assault. Things are going very well on the colonial front. If the Shahanshah had more colonists, he could easily hold complete sway over the archipelago in a decade's time, Goat willing

The Basra campaign goes poorly, to say the least. A joint Mameluke (they joined in at some point, I suppose) Andhairavid assault goes awry, no doubt due to Egyptian treachery, and the Shahanshah is deprived of the manpower needed to finish the siege. Grudgingly, the Shahanshah retreats, already quite delighted with his conquests.

Elsewhere, an Andhairavid expedition into the Southern Andhairic Ocean has lead to the discovery of a strange, desolate island filled with bizarre creatures and strange dark-skinned manboon tribes. The Explorer names this weird and wonderful place New South Sindh, but word has yet to reach the Shahanshah. This could have enormous significance for Andhairavid colonial efforts...

Word comes in from the West. The decadent sodomites of the Netherlands have staged a true Revolution, and have cast out their prudish, heterosexual overlords. The new Consul has shown himself to be a firm believer in goat-fucking, so the Shahanshah is loathe to join his fellow rulers in condemning these Revolutionaries.

The Persians are broken. Whatever's left of their army is in total disarray, as petty nobles fight over the scraps of a dead Empire, while the Khan is in hiding. The Shahanshah takes what he likes. The great cities of Baghdad and Hormuz join Delhi, Baroda, Bihar, Maharashtra, Goa and Bangalore as hubs of Andhairavid enlightenment. Persia, rechristened as Andhairsia, is made into another province of the Empire. The Shahanshah has put to shame the conquerors before him, Timur, Alexander, and many others succeeded in conquering Iran, but none held on. Andhaira does not intend to follow in their footsteps.

Pro Goat! Timur would blush.

A new Persian Horde, consisting of over 30,000 men, is ordered by the Shahanshah. Even now, the Turks, the Arabs, and all the other scum that turned their noses up at Andhairavidia must surely tremble with every waking breath.

Fearing an Andhairavid campaign into Anatolia, the failing Ottoman Empire agrees to release some of their outer provinces as sovereign states, allied to the Shahanshah. The Near East is surely ripe for the taking.

The Ottoman Empire is essentially dead. Istanbul is occupied, and the Sultan is a mere figurehead. All it needs is a push, and it will topple over.

A great university is commissioned in Bihar. The reign of Andhaira XVII would be remembered as a golden age of enlightenment and conquest, this university his stamp on the Empire. Andhairavid learning is the finest in all Asia, and the Shahanshah is nothing if not a patron of knowledge.

While the Hordes were busy in Andhairsia, the Assamese have successfully annexed Bengal, removing the pesky state and forming a solid buffer against any Indochinese incursions. The Shahanshah looks on this independent expansion of Andhairavidism with delighted approval.

With Transoxiana, Persia, and the Ottoman Empire all reduced to insignificance, Islam is no longer a great power in the world. Many Moslems are abandoning their faith, converting instead to Sikhism and the doctrine of the Goat.

The Persian Khan dies a broken man. The Qara Koyunhu dynasty, or at least its main branch, died with him. His Kingdom passes on to the Bey of Candar. A pitiful fate for what was once a great power in the world.

One would think that the successive conquests of such large areas of land would prove disastrous for the bureaucracy, but it is not so. Thanks to the Shahanshah's great competency, the new provinces are easily integrated into the traditional administrative structure, while unwanted elements are expelled into Syria and Central Asia. The Shahanshah even manages to secure a positive relationship with the many new states sprouting up out of the ashes of the old Empires.

But, even the greatest of men must die eventually, even if it is only to be reborn. The greatest Empire on the face of the Earth, perhaps the greatest in History, now passes to the eighteenth Andhaira. He has a great legacy to uphold, but his forefather's succeeded admirably, so why shouldn't he?

It is the end of an era, as the new Shahanshah guides his great Empire into the modern age. It will be a struggle, but the Empire has endured far worse in its time. Andhaira I, living embodiment of the Great Goat, his glorious avatar on Earth, is watching over him, he cannot, must not falter.

Andhairavidia would continue to expand, subduing the Turks, Arabs, Berbers, Mongoloids and the myriad peoples of the Far East, while also adding the new continent of Andhairlia to its dominions. The Revolutionary Republic of Sodom, formerly the Netherlands, would consolidate Europe into its grip, while the Canadian Empire would come to dominate the New World. These three mighty states would wage endless war, Africa serving as a primary battleground, eventually shattering into many thousands of islands from the weight of the conflict. This debris would become the new Retardo Land, a place where even the bravest Sikh would not tread, a place of great evil and horror, all that is wrong and unnatural about the universe, abode of the Prime Djinn.
After centuries of conflict, a Shahanshah would emerge victorious, uniting the Earth under one glorious Emperor, ready to bring the Goat to worlds beyond.

Although the old Shahs lived and died as mortals, the 100th Andhaira would become something more. Some would call him a reincarnation of the Inane One, a new avatar for the Great Goat. He would lead his people, bringing inanity to the stars. Conflict would reign for many millennia, but soon, all of creation would submit to the Goat. The herds of Andhairavidia would wander freely across the stars, and the Shahanshah would rule on until the end of time, when, as appointed by the Great Goat, he would take his place as head of his forefathers, Inane God of a new creation, a Great Goat of Inanity.

Pro Andhaira!

 

[ironyuri]

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I haven't posted quite as much on this LP as on your previous ones, but:

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[Furious Flaming Faggot]

I'm probably going to do Aztecs then Japan next by the way, unless enough of you guys want me to do something different.

 

[anver]

Pro Andhaira! Pro Gloria! Pro Inania!

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[MasterSmithFandango]

That was fucking beautiful.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

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[ironyuri]

I'm probably going to do Aztecs then Japan next by the way, unless enough of you guys want me to do something different.

I would like to see you do Scotland, going reformed.

Otherwise, Aztecs/Japan sounds good.

If you don't do Scotland, could you PM me some tips on getting a game rolling as Scotland where I can take the English throne by succession as in reality? I've had a game with Scotland go to 1600, but the English eventually steamroll my shit and I can't advance fast enough technologically.

Fuck.

No James I & IV for me. Help me bro.

 

[Calego]

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Tonight the herds of Andhaira shall bleat fierce in celebration!


Aztecs sound good. Hilarious religions ftw.

 

[Fafnir]