The Girl Who Watches
You clamber awkwardly over the debris, trying to make your way past the pile of concrete and unwanted furniture, rotting from years of neglect. The air is thick with dust, and even though beams of sunlight pass through the gaps in the ceiling, and the cracks in the walls, it is dim enough that the place unnerves you. As you slide down the other side, your shorts are caught on a nail and you cry out, trying to free yourself. “W-wait up, Na-chan! I’m stuck!”
“You’re slow, Sei-chan!” complains the pig-tailed girl. Even though she says that, she marches back to your side. Kneeling down, she begins fiddling carefully with your shorts. You blush slightly when the back of her hand brushes against your thigh, and you turn your face away, not knowing why your heart is pounding. “There, you’re free!” she sighs. “You’re such a klutz, Sei-chan. What would you do without me?”
“I’m not strong like you, Na-chan,” you mutter, looking down in embarrassment.
“W-well…” She scratches her cheek awkwardly. “Don’t say that. You’re a boy, aren’t you? You will grow up to be stronger than me.”
“I don’t know.”
“You will,” she repeats confidently, and grabs your hand in hers. “So I’ll protect you until you grow up. Then when we are both adults, you can protect me, alright?”
“O-Ok,” you nod, noticing that her face might be as red as yours. Though it could be a trick of the sunlight.
The two of you continue your exploration of the hospital, hand-in-hand. This place once belonged to her grand-uncle, or so she had said. Something bad happened here and it closed down, but she had claimed that those were all made up stories. The truth was something else. When you asked what the truth was, she shook her head, saying that her parents didn’t tell her.
“Why are we here again?” you ask, walking down the deserted stairs. “We’re not supposed to be here…”
“For the fairy, of course! Don’t you know the legend?”
“Legend?”
“Yeah, your grandfather told me about it. There’s a fairy in here that can let you see the people in heaven!”
You are not very sure about what she is saying. “Like… ghosts?”
“I don’t believe in ghosts,” she sniffs haughtily. “This is different… like… the souls of our loved ones.”
Seeing the dead. If it was possible… no. You banish the thought from your mind. “I see. So there is someone you want to see, Na-chan?”
“No, I don’t.” She shakes her head, smiling. “But I thought that you would. You want to meet Madoka-san again, don’t you?”
“I… I don’t.”
“You can’t hide anything from me, Sei-chan!” You get a chop on the head for your lie. Then, she says, in an uncharacteristically gentle tone, “You cry in your sleep, did you know that, Sei-chan?”
“I don’t… I don’t cry!” you deny hotly.
“Yes, yes, you don’t,” she giggles mischievously. “Come on, let’s go.”
Finally, in the depths of the abandoned hospital, the two of you find a strange room. It is circular, not square, and there are a lot of strange things inside. Strange words, carved into the walls. Weird, sharp instruments lining the shelves, with functions that you would strongly prefer not to understand. Entranced by the discovery, she lets go of your hand and begins wandering around the room.
“Na-chan, this place is.. it isn’t right,” you say, shivering. Somehow, even though it is the height of summer, you feel remarkably cold.
“Just hold on a second, Sei-chan. Maybe there’s something here that will call out the fairy…”
You look around nervously and tentatively take another step forward… and you see a man in white who had not been there before, standing by the metal table in the center of the room. He is wearing a fox mask, like the sort you used to see at festivals, when your mother brought you there. Somehow, you get the impression that underneath the mask, the man is smiling. Then, a powerful thought blankets everything else in your mind, a premonition as loud as thunder.
She is in danger.
The room – and the ground under your feet – trembles. Is it an earthquake? The shelves begin to sway and wobble. And fall. “Na-chan!” you cry out. Running forward with all your might, faster and harder than you have ever pushed yourself, you leap with your hands outstretched. Pushing her out of the way. Something falls on top of you, crushing you. And everything goes black.
When you come to, every nerve in your body seems to be screaming out in pain. You can barely breathe, let alone speak. You see her kneeling over you, tears and snot streaming down her face. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” she apologizes over and over again. “I shouldn’t have let go of your hand! It’s all my fault! Fairy-san, if you are here, listen to me… I’ll do anything, so please just save Sei-chan!”
“Na-chan” you say weakly, managing to force some words out.
“Sei… Sei-chan! Don’t say anything more! I’ll… I’ll get you out of here.” She tugs at your arms, but only manages to pull you a short distance before stopping. “Wait, that’s right, I should… I should stop the bleeding first… what did they teach me to do…” she mutters in a panic. Your eyes close against your will, and you drift off into the blackness again.
When you come to, you are somewhere else in the hospital. The light flowing in from the broken windows is now a pale red. The sun is setting. She is carrying you on her back, struggling with every step. Feeling you stir, she stops. “Sei-chan. Are you awake?” she says, breathing heavily.
“Na-chan… put me down…”
“No!” she says fiercely, starting to move again. She is unsteady on her feet – glancing down, you see a bandage over her ankle, soaked in red. It looks like you didn’t manage to save her completely after all. You are useless. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have brought you here… shouldn’t have let go of your hand. I’ll save you, Sei-chan. I’ll save you, so don’t give up!”
Your consciousness is already ebbing once more. It’s not her fault. You try to find a way to tell her that.
“Don’t worry… it’s going to be okay, Na-chan...”
“Shinoseki-san? Shinoseki-san? Are you with us?”
You blink, and nod at the investigator sitting across from you. “Yes, I’m here.” You had blanked out for a second there. There is a faint trace of some strange, discordant memory lingering in your mind, but it is washed away swiftly by the waves of real childhood memories. Whatever you thought you remembered, just for an instant… yes, it was probably just a fantasy. As a child, you had played more with imaginary friends than real friends, after all.
“Shinoseki Adachi-san, twenty two years of age. Unemployed,” says the investigator. “You visited the hospital to get some cold medicine. Is that correct?”
You nod. “That is right, sir. Just to get some cold medicine.”
“And you got involved in that. A nasty piece of business, isn’t it?” he sighs in commiseration. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighs again, louder this time. “Well, the worst part is that all those deaths wouldn’t be as nasty as the media frenzy that I’m going to have to handle after this. A crazy homeless man trying to bring about the end of the world by murdering good citizens… yeah, they’re going to pounce on this story hard.”
You agree wholeheartedly. “Oh, I understand. I hate attention, Inspector Mori.”
“Of course you do,” he laughs. “But do yourself a favour, kid. Don’t let this scare you from going out more in the future. Get some sun. It’s not good to stay at home all the time. You made it out of that nightmare alive and saved us all… so save yourself, and don’t waste the rest of your life.”
He dismisses you with a respectful salute. Smiling and returning the salute, you gather your coat and leave the room. The others are waiting for you outside: when they see you, they wave cheerfully. What a strange, motley crew. Tokigawa and Okuyama, the university lovebirds. Amanozaki, the psychic. Kayano, the kind office lady. Taketatsu, one of the richest young men in the country. Sakaki, the famed occult author. Sawada, the celebrity actor, greets you with a wide smile. “Here you are, Shinoseki-san. Uehara, Sakimura and Mitsuki-chan have already snuck out the backdoor to book the karaoke room. It’s gonna be fun, all twelve of us hanging out, and not in some locked down hospital!”
Smile. You keep your smile on your face. “I’m sorry, Sawada-san. I don’t think I’ll be able to come.”
“Why, worried about the paparazzi? Don’t worry, I know how to handle them. They won’t find us, if that’s what you’re concerned about,” he grins confidently.
“That’s not it,” you say. “I’m just feeling a little… tired. Another time, alright?” That is right. Keep on smiling. Let’s not trouble them.
Sawada and the others are quite disappointed that you are unable to come along. “If you say so… another time, then. You have my number, right?”
You nod. “Yeah, I do.”
Saying your goodbyes, you part from your fellow survivors and make your way home.
Tokyo is as crowded as ever. It takes you three hours just to make it to your one-room apartment out in the suburbs. Though you had half expected to find camera-men staking out your place, there is no one in sight. Perhaps they haven’t tracked you down yet. That’s good. You wouldn’t be able to tolerate the media attention. You climb the rickety stairs, open the weathered door, and finally, return to your threadbare room, containing nothing but the bare necessities you need to live: a futon, a computer, a cupboard of instant ramen, and a shelf of manga.
You close the door behind you. You walk to the computer, sit down, and turn it on. Ah, it doesn’t work. Even after closing the door, turning on the computer, and browsing all those threads you have missed out on, she is still here.
Standing behind you, watching. Always watching, with those gentle but sorrowful eyes devoid of reproach.
She was there on the bus and on the train.
She was there in the police station and in the interrogation room.
She was there at the hospital, at the start of the killings, for some inexplicable reason throwing herself between you and the murderer. For some inexplicable reason, smiling.
“I did it. At last… after so long… It’s going to be okay,” she had whispered. “I protected you... so now you can protect them.”
You did, but they never knew that their saviour had been saved first, himself, by some strange girl. Her last words meant nothing to you, but for some reason they resonated with your heart. Even though they were just - as far as you knew - the random babblings of a dying stranger.
And yet, even after her death, she still watches you. Why won’t she leave? You wonder if she is the personification of your guilt. That would make sense. You wonder if you did anything wrong. If you had not tried hard enough. Perhaps no one would have had to die at all, if you had been strong enough.
“I’m not strong,” you mutter, looking down at the floor.
For someone weak like you… this room is all you are ever going to need in life. You don't think that you deserve anything more.
A place to sleep.
Food to eat.
The constant buzzing of the ever-changing internet.
And the girl who watches you, the girl only you can see.
---END---
