Dogger Bank, 30/09/1914, somewhere in the middle of the night aboard the SMS Straussburg
Humf, and that's last one of them!
I swear on me mum, why did it have to be us?
What d'ya mean?
The whole fleet is off in the Baltic doing fancy malarkey training manoeuvres and we're freezing our balls in the middle of the North Sea dropping mines in the middle of nowhere that’s what I mean.
Blimey, when the Admiral gives an order you jump to it boyo. He's like a tacticool genius or sumthin' you know? He's got a master plan up his sleeve I tell ya.
Pfff, wotever. Hey, you think we can break out some of that Schnapps the Rear-Admiral sent us?
Capital idea boyo! It's not like the limeys are gonna come out now anyways. I tell you, that Azira is a real gentleman. A gentleman and a scholar! Only a real chap would think of us poor buggers out there like that.
Cheers!
9:30 SMS Strassburg and SMS Graudenz after having finishing laying minefields are on their way back to port.
Captain! We have received reports from merchant ships of British heavy ships off the port of Emden. Admiralty requires us to investigate.
With half of my crew drunk! Gotterhimmel, I swear I'll write a report condemning that scoundrel Azira for that. It was him who smuggled those schnapps bottle aboard my ship, wasn't it?
Sir?
Oh forget it. Just wake those bastards up and get the coalers to raise steam for full speed. We might soon be in trouble if those reports are true.
9:50
Captain, enemy capital ships spotted dead ahead! I count one, no two...no, make that FIVE British Battlecruisers!
Meine Gott...And with the whole fleet off for training....Reverse course. Full speed to Helgoland. We need to draw them towards the Helgoland batteries. Signal to the Admiralty: the Battle Cruiser Fleet is inbound for Wilhelmshaven.
Wilhelmshaven, Admiralty’s house. 15:30
Run for your lives!
We’re doomed!
Oy, you there, wot’s happening here?
Captain Kalin! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with the fleet in the Baltic for the manoeuvres?
Pfff, instead of giving me a bonus for my
excellent command at the Broad Fourteens the Admiral kept me home to write a gunnery manual,
The Awesome Button: How to Pop some Moles at High Speeds. So I’m still here. Now tell me wot’s happening, will ya?
The British are here! They’re in the Bight! Our cruisers are keeping them distracted around the Helgoland batteries but our reserve Battleships are still raising steam. They’ve had troubles getting the crews back from shore in time and the Rear-Admiral in charge of them is nowhere to be found!
Fack, sign me up for that job, I’ll crush those sickos! The bonus is gonna be yuge!
-
But sir, you’re…only a captain…
No time to argue, I’ve got seniority over those reserve captains, innit? Let’s go!
So yeah, we got caught with our pants down. With the whole fleet bar the old pre-dreads and a few light forces off for training and thus unavailable for emergency activation the brits decided to expose all their BCs and about 10 CAs in a raid right in front of our main port. When I told you that I was a noob at the operational side of SAI I meant it. Also the Bs took AGES to raise steam, no idea why. I think I emergency activated at around 10:00 after spotting the BCs but they were only ready at around 17:00 whilst according to the manual ships emergency activated are ready to move out only 3 hours after activation.
SMS Preussen, 17:00.
Captain Kalin, what are you doing here? You’ve got no business being here!
*
Smacks the offending sailor on the head*. I have seniority here over all you useless nerds, so I AM in charge, gotcha? Anyone has a problem can take it to the Admiralty once we’re done winning this mess. Gud, now full speed ahead for Helogoland as soon as we have enough steam. And gibs me a situation report!
Sir, we have spotted a full Armored Cruiser squadron as well as at least 4 destroyer flotilla on top of the five battle-cruisers.
Gud, signal to our Cruisers to engage them at range and draw them south. We need to bring them towards us.
Night is almost coming sir, are we gonna risk a night engagement?
Night is gud, we’ll fight them at close range, like shells in the night. Full steam ahead and signal the destroyers to move out and find those sickos.
19:03; Contact!
Chaaaaarge!!
Enemy Battle-cruisers spotted dead-ahead sir.
Fuck, no Bueno. Signal for destroyer drive-by shootan.
But…they’re out of torpedoes…
Did you tell the Britbongs about it? No, thought so. They’ll get scared away. Reverse course, we’ll take advantage of their evasive maneuvers to get away from them.
We break contact with the BCs thanks to our DD bluff. Then at 19:58 a lone DD spots the whole of the CA fleet slightly east of us.
We’ve got them now boyz. Signal to the fleet my Gunnery manual, will ya? They’re reservist land-lubbers, they’ll need my knowledge.
When you press a button, something awesome has to happen.
Button, awesome, connected.
If chest-high wave you see, cover you shall take.
Muhuhahaha, slaughter
Shall I signal that too sir?
*
smacks him on the head*
Huzzah, they’re running away, we’ve won the day sir! Shall I signal for return to port?
Signal general chase you fool,
no guts no bonaz!
It takes us a little while to find them but finally after some sporadic shooting at CLs and DDS at 21:29 our scouting light-cruisers spot the fleeing CAs.
Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide
-t's not love, I'm a running from
It's the heartbreak I know will come
'Cause I know you're no good for me, but you've become a part of me
Ev'rywhere I go, your face I see, ev'ry step I take, you take with me yeah
Nowhere to ruuuuuuuun to, baby, nowhere to hiiiiiiiiide. Alright lads, job done, this was a huuuuuuge victory! If I don’t get my bonnaz I swear I’m gonna burn the admiralty to the ground.
Essentially the perfect engagement for our Pre-Dreads. Point-blank range, enemy's formation disrupted due to my constant charging in and out with the DD and their ships coming up one by one against the massed gun of all our Bs like moles for the popping. Furthermore, I had been training up the Bs, so they were all at crew level +1 with some (including the SMS Preussen) at +2. One of ours, the Hannover was hit by a torpedo, but thanks to the fact the fight was taking place right next to our port she was never in serious danger.
Admiralty’s house, the day after.
Kalin, we’ve read your report, I think we have to talk.
You bet we gotta talk, I deserve the mother of all bonaz for winning that
glorious victory.
-
Yes, quite. You should get court-martialled actually. Illegally seizing a ship is a serious offence.
WHAAAAT?
Yes, and usurpation of authority is an even graver crime in the Kriegsmarine.
In normal circumstances the sentence would be death by hanging, but…
GNNNNNNN……?
You did demonstrate courage, initiative and ruthlessness in action…
……
gh?
All qualities required for a great commander in times of war…
……bo…na…az?
I can therefore announce your promotion to the rank of Rear-Admiral, to immediate effect. You shall from now on lead the Battle-Cruiser Squadron into battle.
……
?
But I still need to punish you for your actions, you shall remain on half-pay for the foreseeable future.
*
Collapses on the floor, unconscious*
You think he’ll be okay?
Certain, I think that that was too much contradictory information for him to handle. He’ll be fine.