Vapourware Let's Survive On Minimum Wage in Russia | Thea 2 LP

[Citizen]

*high-energy guitar riff plays over a series of panoramic views of endless forests and fast, dangerous rivers*
*deep voiced narrator with heavy american accent and overly dramatic pauses inbetween every word starts talking*

: Nine. Regular. Americans.

*footage of a bunch of weak bodied half-naked men miserably failing to build a wooden shelter in a forest*

: Trying. To survive. Out in a wild.

*footage of classic survilval tv show situation of a group of women screaming at eachother for no reason*

: In an alien. Unfriendly. Country.

*footage of a woman trying to outrun a bear*

: Full. Of alien. Traditions.

*footage of a man trying to communicate with dirty locals*

: Will they learn. How to work. As a team. Or will they fail?

: Ultimate Survival: Russia. Next. Friday. Only. On Discovery Channel.

characters picked so far

1: MoistCloister
2: Comte
3: Grimgravy
4: Reinhardt
5: baud
6: Strange Fellow
7: Dayyālu
8: Endemic
9: Jack

 

[Strange Fellow]

Codexers, feel free to enlist as one of the 9 unlucky chaps while I'm uploading character sheets!

You could've kept the enlistment window open for longer than twelve minutes.

 

[baud]

Sign me up!

If we can choose our character, I'd take n° 5

 

[Reinhardt]

I want to be short, sturdy creature fond of drink and industry.
4

 

[Citizen]

You could've kept the enlistment window open for longer than twelve minutes.

It's still open! Characters are randomly generated, I can just pick a set of classes for them in the beginning, but since it's my first playthrough I didn't really have much choice there (game opens new starting classes options as you play it). Just pick a character from the list

 

[Strange Fellow]

You could've kept the enlistment window open for longer than twelve minutes.

It's still open! Characters are randomly generated, I can just pick a set of classes for them in the beginning, but since it's my first playthrough I didn't really have much choice there (game opens new starting classes options as you play it). Just pick a character from the list

Oh son of a bitch, I wanted 4.
In that case, I'll take compulsive hoarder no. 6.

 

[Grimwulf]

I'll take the guy № 8

 

[Citizen]

I'll take the guy № 8

You sure? I needed some of the codex vatniks to be non playable characters, and I already reserved a place in a story for you, Magnat, Commissar Draco and Maxie. And now you want to be a naive american tv show guest instead of an important plot figure

 

[Grimwulf]

I'll take the guy № 8

You sure? I needed some of the codex vatniks to be non playable characters, and I already reserved a place in a story for you, Magnat, Commissar Draco and Maxie. And now you want to be a naive american tv show guest instead of an important plot figure

I RESIGN to become a glorious NPC instead! And a Kommunist, naturally.

 

[Heroic Liberator]

I already reserved a place in a story for you, Magnat, Commissar Draco and Maxie.

Well, I'm curious to see where this leads.

Also,

Spoiler

 

[Dayyālu]

No hooded figures. I'll pick a kid, 7.

 

[Endemic]

I'll take 8 then.

 

[Comte]

I will be whatever is available.

 

[Jack]

Enlist!

K', I'll take number nine. He looks suitably grim and prepared for survival in Russia.

 

[Citizen]

I will be whatever is available.

Beer brewing old lady it is

 

[Grimgravy]

I'll be the "attractive" blond. Hopefully she can't cook for shit.

 

[Commissar Draco]

I'll take the guy № 8

You sure? I needed some of the codex vatniks to be non playable characters, and I already reserved a place in a story for you, Magnat, Commissar Draco and Maxie. And now you want to be a naive american tv show guest instead of an important plot figure

Thanks Comrade but I visit the vast expanses of Codexia quite rarely those days... if you still recruit make Commissar one of the crowd so three or six.

 

[Citizen]

if you still recruit make Commissar one of the crowd so three or six.

Too late to pick, no more characters left. But you are already an

I'll be the "attractive" blond. Hopefully she can't cook for shit.

Blonde is the highest skilled craftswoman/cook of the tribe, so she will be cooking and forging her ass off. She also has a prety good STR score, so she'll function as a battle frontline once in a while. AND she is also attractive (has a special trait). The most Mary Sue character of the group, I'm surprised she was picked last

 

[Heroic Liberator]

Thanks Comrade but I visit the vast expanses of Codexia quite rarely those days... if you still recruit make Commissar one of the crowd so three or six.

Don't pull a JarlFrank on us, comrade.

 

[Commissar Draco]

Thanks Comrade but I visit the vast expanses of Codexia quite rarely those days... if you still recruit make Commissar one of the crowd so three or six.

Don't pull a JarlFrank on us, comrade.

As a true Slav just going to gamble and play the System, you make privileges for wombyn expect to see mustached man claiming to be wombyn too for loot taken from Cuckropean Union which we will bury and made it pay for it Comrade.

 

[Citizen]

I completely forgot that the game would randomly gift our tribe with new children, so if anyone else want to be a part of the incoming shitshow, I'll add you to queue of future children characters

 

[Heroic Liberator]

Comrade Prime Junta should have his own character.

 

[Citizen]

Comrade Prime Junta should have his own character.

Looks like a good candidate for an NPV (non-playable vatnik)

 

[Azira]

Hey, stick me with whatever shows up. I greatly enjoyed the first Thea game, and have been considering picking this one up.

 

[Citizen]

Briefing day.

: *kicks the door of the meeting room open, immediately starts shouting * Alrite, fucksticks. I don't have much time so let's do it all real quick.

: I'm Finnie Tronman, executive producer and, since the moment you signed your contracts, practically the owner of your sorry asses. That’s C. B., my personal assistant. *slaps girl’s ass*

: *Doesn’t even flinch, looks just as bored as she was a second ago*

: Do as I say and you'll be rewarded, I'm talking LOTS of money here, don't - and you'll be sorry you ever woke up that morning you came up with the idea of making it big on the TV. Playas? ...playas?

: That's what I thought. Alrite, now that we established who's the boss here, let's rundown the technical stuff. This is no ordinary TV show, we are making fucking future here. No camera crew, no one to help you out there. Just your weak-ass city asses and your personal cameras. They are compact, wireless, battery efficient SPY EYES that are watching you 24/7. They cost MONEY. If you ever slightly scratch the thing, I'm gonna rip your fucking crooked arms off and lock you in a chinese sweatshop until you build me one more of these babies using your toes only! I know what you’re going to say, “b-but ittsa survial show mista Tronman…” I. DON’T. CARE.

: And most importantly, you are not here to enjoy a holiday in Russia. You are going to make money. And money is our ratings. I have no fucking idea what you are going to do there, but make sure whatever shit you do is entertaining. People want ACTION! If any of you fuckfaces decides to sit quietly in a camp until we send someone to pick you up, I’ll fucking parachute the entire feline section of the San Diego Zoo into that forest so they gut you alive on camera. Now that would be a show! Understood me fucksti~

: Oink!

: Who the hell was that?

Spoiler

Yep. We are blessed by RNG! Turns out, Strange Fellow has his own personal warpig

: That’s my pet pig, mr. Tronman.

: ???

: Matilda Strangefellow, Miss Tennessee ‘89, pleased to mee~

: I didn’t ask. C. B., short bio?

: *very bored* Matilda Strangefellow, Miss Tennessee ‘89. That’s the end of the achievements list. Now a street performer, the owner of the famous Piggu the *airquotes* talking pig.

: Why the quotes thing, lady? He’s talking for real. Knows the only phrase, that’s true, but it’s enough to make a living. Come on, Piggu! *squeezes pig really hard*

: ITZ oinkoink OVAR!

: …

: …

: Oh. Okay. And I thought WE were appealing to the lowest common denominator.

: I love you so much Piggu!

: *happy oinking, tail wiggles*

: You’re my best friend in entire world!

: *sad oinking*

: Enough. Everybody dismissed. Day zero tomorrow. We'll prepare some authentic russian clothes for you in a meanwhile.