Kodex Kommunistic Kolony in Rimworld, Seasons 2, 3

Yeah, it's Russia alright.

 

Our Kommisar, who art in KKK,
Grimwulf be thy Name,
thy will be done,
Kalin's bonus undone,
on earth as it is in rimworld.

Give us this day our daily update.
And forgive us our bullshit,
as we forgive those
who bullshit against us.

And lead us not into Kalinism,
but deliver us from Dreaad Grimdeer.

For thine is the kommunist dream,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever. Za Rodinu! Za Stalina Grimwulfa!

 

Mildly? Nah, that can't be Russia in that case. Maybe France or Great Britain if it's only mild.

 

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The fire was raging until morning. Every corpse, piece of gear, drop of blood - everything is ash now.

DAY 8

*yawns like a hell goat* Where is everybody?

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Kalin? KAAALIN!! Piece of trash, motherfu--

AAAYYY!! CAMARADA! SENOR!

Another shitty morning in the Kolony. *kicks open the door* WHAT?!

Senor! The pain makes me weepy!

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Hrmpf. You look fine! Would totally eat ya.

NO-NO-NO, I have herpes!

What a damn shame. Awright, let me check if you have any treatable infections.

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I've been calling for Senor Lizzurd all night.

Speaking of which, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!

Meanwhile.

Make space for DA SPACE COP!

*doesn't move an inch*

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Modern aliens have no respact! My old man used to tell me stories of his team RAMMING random planets with their spaceship. And then they embarked on a vibro-blade rampage, annihilating each and every lifeform they saw!

*concerned pop-pop*

Must have had yuge bonuses, mah dad.

*chuckle-like bubbling sound*

What? Wanna change the subject? OKAY then. What's your take on local scumbags? Me, I don't give a fug about most of 'em. Cheetah sports a fine ass, though.

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*gurgles in disagreement*

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That's just gay.

Meanwhile.

*tuning his receiver-like-thingie* Come oooon...

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*observes Lizzurd from a distance*

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*psshhh psh psh* KKK, this is your Kommissar speakin'. Wherever you are, whatever you're doin' right now, know this - ALL LOITERERS WILL BECOME HERPES! Over.

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La resplandeciente, Senor Kommissar!

There is a certain chance everyone's dead for whatever reason. I estimate it roughly 77%. And THIS is exactly why you should stay. Somebody's gotta help me build Kommissar's crib.

*closes his eyes, face showing extreme tension*

Tough decision. I know. But look on the bright side - you will get the satisfaction of a job well done.

*smile of relief*

What is that stench?

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Is that a yes?

The disease makes my body weak. I cannot build a structure of glory, not in my current state. Maybe if we return to this splendid conversation in a day or two-- Kommissar?

*walks towards the fridge, grumbling* I'll make yer body filled with high-powered stuff, just you wait and see...

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Ay, chingado! MERCY!

*FORCE-POURING the foul broth into Trobo's mouth*

*choking* BLEGH! Disgusting! DISGUSTING!

How DARE you?! I cooked this godly stew myself! If you can't stand some squirrel's balls in your soup, you are not a true kommunist!

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Later that morning.

*psh pshhh* Good day! We need to speak with Kommissar Grimwulf. Over.

*pssssssshhhhh* Kommissar Grimwulf is unavoidable right now. But RED MAN OF GUTS 'N GLORY AKA UBER KOMMISSAR GRIMWALD "BLOODBATH" SORROWWULF OF KOMMUNISTIK PARADISE will hear your plea.

*unpleasant female voice with a strong British accent* Would you be interested in a trade agreement with Insten?

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Aye, come over. Over.

Humummmm. Another poor soul wanders into KKK. Like a moth drawn to a-- hommm... what do moths eat..?

Dead people, Greenballs. They loooove to eat human corpses.

*trembling voice* Oh, God! Please... *starts to cry* I just want to go home...

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Mmm? Then go.

W-what? Really?

Aye, get the hell out. What are you even doing here in my fridge?

I-- uhh-- *runs away*

One hour later.

*follows Cheetah closely*

Sit. Guard.

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*sits by the entrance*

Good boy. *pats husky*

Woof.

I'll be back soon. *enters the workshop*

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, SENORITAAAAAA!!!

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Let me guess. The pain?

NOOOO, THE SOUP! THE SOUP! IT'S MELTING MY INSIDES!!!

Enjoy your kommunistic experience, savage. Now, I don't have time for you, so keep quiet. Grimwulf? Grim?

Me here! Choppin' flesh.

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Brought you another beaver.

Good. Our food store is running low. Because SOMEONE is giving away emergency meat without even asking.

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Last time I was here, there was plenty of "emergency meat" stored. I wonder what happened?

Dunno what ye blabberin' about, woman.

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Meanwhile.

They are coming. Going to get myself compromised, yes. No? No. If only-- no. No.

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Senor Lizzurd?

No time! No time. Dead beavers don't speak for themselves. Ke ke ke.

*sigh* And here I was hoping for a pleasant day.

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MORE BEVARS! Good.

Kommissar! Why did you let Insten in? Bad people, capitalists to the bone. Also, bureau rats.

You mean bureaucrats?

No.

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I remember you mentioned working for Insten. Customs, wasn't it? Paperwork?

Long time ago. Why?

AYYYYYYYY, I WANT ATTENTION!

COMING!

Please, Senor Lizzurd, I beg you - scrub me with a hot sponge!

... Oh, well. Still beats chatting with Cheetah.

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Mmmm... Feels so good...

It's not what you call a sponge, though. I would even call it not-sponge-at-all.

So warm... so wet... Please, Senor - scrub my whole body! Scrub it good!

*mumbles incoherently* One would call it... a dead beaver.

LIZZURD!! GIT BACK TO WORK! As in, REAL work, damn you!

Poor Lizzurd... Nobody appreciates. Depression.

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Come back soon, Senor!

Awright, ye'r clean, well-fed and probably healthy.

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Still recovering, Kommissar Grimwulfeiro! Need a week, maybe two. Three weeks tops!

Meanwhile.

*follows Cheetah* Kek. Lizzurd the Unseen.

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Cheetah..? Is it you?

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Hello, Mal.

Is this some kind of a joke? A TRAP?!

Relax. KKK is just a bit further south. As for me, I'm on... vacation. Nobody will touch your caravan if you behave.

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Why should I believe you? After everything you've done to Insten--

You might as well turn around and leave. I don't care. *walks away*

Huh...

Holy sh-- *puts on his mask as soon as he spots Mal*



Good day! Would you be interested in a tr--

Keep moving, citizens.

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What can you tell me about Kodex Kommunistic Kolony? What should we expect when dealing with Kommissar Grimwulf?

You're gonna like it, ke ke k-- *coughs*. Yeah.

I know that laugh...

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Gotta go. Dead beavers are calling my name! *runs*

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Huff, puff.

*whispers* I can see youuu, little cheetah... *tunes his receiver-ish gadget, while hiding behind the wall*

Meanwhile.

*slurping the wall with her mouth tentacles*

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THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TAKE DOWN A WALL, YOU DIMWIT!!!

*angry pop-pop*

Shut those poppy mouths of yours, before I stick a brick in each and every one of them!

*SHRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEK*

Oh, GAWD! FUUUUCK! Stop it! Fuck. I need some damn private space.

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Later that day.

Where did she go..?

*comes out of nowhere* Spying on me again, aren't you?

*jumps* N-no. Just hauling beavers, ma'am.

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A lot of beavers are dying lately. Can't hold their limbs together and just like that - rrrooo - their bodies fall apart. Amiright? Kek.

Let me see that gadget.

Umm... What gadget?

The one you pull from your backpack when nobody's watching. I want to see it.

Oh... Alright... *hands Cheetah the device*

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... *genuinely confused*

It's just a game. Batteries are dead, though. I'm so joy-deprived.

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*hands back the device and walks away in silence*

Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (open) Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (close)

I'm stuck in the damn kitchen, coz lazy-arse Kalin can't provide enough blocks for my building project. I swear, this half-eye moron is the sole reason of KKK's lack of progress.



"Oooh, where s muh bonas, I'm a crook cop, need moneh". That greedy bastard. Do you ever see Beth complaining? No.



As soon as I see him I'll

Grim.

What? Can't you see I'm writing important stuff?

... Your borsch is boiling.

Oh, shi-- *grabs a seething cauldron*

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Want me to handle the traders?

YES! I'm too busy to do everything around here myself! Building, cooking, treating herpes - I'M NOT A ONE-MAN LABOR ARMY, DAMN YOU!

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Practice makes perfection. Your cooking is definetely improving.

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*om nom nom*

See you later, papa Grim. *chuckles, goes outside*

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Cheetah. I was hoping to trade with Kommissar himself.

Grimwulf is too busy. Let me see your ammunition. *browsing through Mal's merchandise* No 9x39 Soviet?

No. Soviet ammo doesn't have a high demand these days.

*keeps browsing* Alexander Hartwig. Does it ring a bell?

Hmmm...

Lizzurd, probably?

Why, yes! He is a most wanted terrorist! Our special forces are searching for him everywhere!

A terrorist? I've never heard of him.

Because we don't want this information to go public. It's Insten's private business, and I would ask you to keep it that way.

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What did he do?

Bombed a city, no less.

Wait, Berrington? I thought it was a meteorite.

Official version. For Insten people to sleep better. You know how it works, Cheetah.

What really happened?

A local customs clerk somehow managed to hack into the system and inject a malicious AI inside it. Soon every department, factory, power station, communication console - everything went out of control! We lost contact with Berrington soon after that.

So he is a hacker..?

No, it's much worse than that! Our special forces infiltrated the city to investigate. Everyone was dead, corpses lying on every corner, while Berrington was crawling with mechanoids!

Is that so...

Among this flaming mess a single man was strolling the streets casually.

Lizzurd.

Lizzurd.

How did the mechanoids even get into Berrington? And why did he bomb the city?

To be more precise, we bombed the city. Along with the mechanoids.

Oh. Figures.

It had to be done in the name of Democracy.

Why is he most wanted then? What makes you think he is still alive?

We had reports of Lizzurd travelling these lands. You didn't happen to see him, did you?

... No. Let's make a deal.

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Sold a sword. Can't really afford anything right now.

We don't want another mechanoid war destroying this planet. I would ask you to keep your eye open for this terrorist.

I will. Have a good day, Mal.

Meanwhile.

Tell me what you want. Intense alcohol? We got it. Glorious battles? We got 'em. Crooked cops? Got one too.

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I want a cake.

KKK is a kake, all right. With a strong taste of blood and labor.

It tastes bitter, Senor Kommissar.

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Bad news: no cake in KKK. Good news is... *walks to the fridge*

No. No, no, NOOOOOOOOO--

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I have this feeling you and I will become best friends, Trobo.

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Meanwhile.

*tracking Lizzurd*

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*enters the abandoned building to fine-tune the hidden beacon-thing*

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Should work now. Kek. *goes away*

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*picks up the beacon and turns it off, whispering to herself* So that's your game..?

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Hard evidence. At last.

*pssshhhhhhhhh* I TUK DOWN TAH BILDNIGH! Wooooooooo, ALL BY MESELF! WHERE IS MAH BONAS?!

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*psh psh* Oi! GRIMBUTT! COME IN!!

*barks*

Shaddap.

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Meanwhile.

Kommissar's mansion will be small, but cozy. Just how I like my wymin.

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Trudy wasn't small. Or cozy. How can a female be COZY anyway?

Soft like a five-year plan. Warm like proletarian revolution.

You should marry a flaming bolt.

Homm, Bli Bla Bla Blo is doing hurtful things to that husky.

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*gurgle, GURGLE*

*smacks lips*

Give him a name already! I suggest Humble Servant.

I couldn't care less about the dog - let the woman do it.

*crawls inside the workshop*

Dios mio...

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*guuuuuuuuurgle*

*closes his eyes* This is just a dream... Just a bad deam...

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I will open my eyes... It will be gone... *opens his eyes* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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Let's talk kommunism.

It's just a bad dream... *closes his eyes again*

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As Lenin once said, we have nothing to lose but our chains.

Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (open) Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (close)

Trobo is almost converted into a tru kommunist. Almost.



Double borsch will do the rest.

The House of Grimwulf is progressing slowly, but surely.



Cheetah and Lizzurd have been hauling dead beavers from somewhere all day long.





Kalin did nothing. Again.

There. Enough blocks to build three Grim Curtains. NOW PAY UP!

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To each according to his needs. Right now you need to get outta my sight, Kalin! You will spoil my focus.

*goes away swearing loudly*

We need to talk, Grim.

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Goddamit.

Look at this. *throws Lizzurd's beacon at Grimwulf's feet*

Hey! No littering!

Lizzurd is sending a signal. From the looks of this gadget, I'd say he sends it to Space.

Space signals. So what?

So what..? He is trying to lure an army of mechanoids here, Grim! Look, I have a witness who--

Woman, I ain't got no time for that!

What is wrong with you?!

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Me? Nothing. I'm WORKING! AND SO SHOULD YOU!!!

Fine. I will deal with Lizzurd myself.

Sure, whatever, JUST DON'T SELL HIM! We need emergency meat, for fuck's sake!

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Stupid komrades spoiling my foc-- MOTHERFUCKER!

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FFFFUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Meanwhile.

Hmm, a STEEL CLUB!

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Mmmm... *waking up* Kalin?

Lemme share some space wisdom with ya, pool boy. If you want things done - you BASH 'em.

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Catch! *throws his halberd at Lizzurd*

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Ooooh, is that a present?

Eh? NO, you dumbass - this halberd is MINE! Polish dis shit. I want it shining before morning.

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Later that night.

BED TIME, MEN!

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Farkin' idiot, WE WERE SLEEPING ALREADY! FUCK!

You r always sleepin', Kalin. Lazy shit.

Cunt.

Faggot.

 

*wakes up*

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*starts dancing*

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*sings* Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! Ay mi amor! Ay mi morena de mi corazón...

DAY 9

*yawns* Couldn't sleep all night, all thanks to the FUCKING SINGING!!

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*trips and falls on some rubbish scattered around the floor* FUCK! GRIMWUUULF!!

Hrmrhmr. What?

Build some sort of a STORAGE ROOM, will ya?! This barrack is intolerable enough as it is! Why do we have to keep all dis shit here??

Wouldn't take long. All we gotta do is build several columns to support a roof, and that's it.

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Yeah, yeah, I'll do it eventually. Lemme sleep.

When?

As soon as Lacgirl gets pregnant.

She's pregnant.

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Fuck.

Later that morning.

The world is dangerous place, Trobo men. You gotta hold on to your komrades if you want to survive.

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The most dangerous thing I've seen in my life is that borsch of yours.

Apparently, you've never seen a raccoon. Nasty little creature will stalk you until you fall asleep, only to chew on your balls.

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Appreciate the warning. I'll make sure my las pelotas are safe. Will you dance with me, Kommissar?

WHAT, no!

No dance - no work. Every man needs a fiesta.

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I don't.

Later that morning.

Kommissar!

Buttplug.

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I've brought steel for your house! Because I'm a good lizard.

That goes for the vent...

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Nice. NOW BRING MORE BUILDING MATERIAL! Chop-chop!

Thanks, Lizzurd. You are so helpful, Lizzurd. I would be so helpless and miserable without you, Lizzurd.

A bit later.

Our house is coming along nicely. Need any help there?

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Nah, I'm a pro builder. Just make sure I have enough wood for dem floors.

Time to chop more trees, it seems. Where is Kalin?

Now that's a question. *pshhh* KALIN, YOU FUCK! The hell you're doin' again??

*pshshshs* Mining goddamn MACHINERY! LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO DO!!

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Right. Forgot about that. Over.

I can provide wood on my own. Don't worry.

I'm not worried. Just want Kalin to work harder.

*blows a kiss, goes away*

Hummm, are you going to move in with Cheetah?

She can sleep on a couch in the dining room.

Riiight. Baby steps, huh?

Why don't you sleep on a couch, Kommissar Grim Wolf?

WH--

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Oh, FUCK YOU, Greenballs!

Yeah, fuck you, Ryan. How could you ask Grimwulf to show some decency and manners?

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Of all the things we need so desperately - walls, turrets, power, factories - you're building a private mansion. With fancy wooden floors, no less.

Wait 'til you see marble furniture. This house will put Lenin's mausoleum to shame.

Meanwhile.

Isidora!

Yes, my Lord?

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Take several men and scout ahead. I don't want any surprises.

As you command, my Lord.

One hour later.

Woof!

Calm down your dog, Cheetah!

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Come here, boy!

*jumps on Cheetah playfully*

*chuckles*

KKK is slowly turning into pussy paradise, I swear.

It's called "progress". Progress is good, Grim.

Sometimes I miss blood, vomit, carnage, and anal candles from the old place.

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Would you rather have waves upon waves of hostiles assaulting our home on a daily basis?

We have Blobra to deal with hostiles.

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*SHRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEK*

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Later that day.

FREEEDOOOOOM!!

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No such thing in KKK.

I have a wife. A savage wife.

She can join too.

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If you don't let me go, I will cry. You don't want to hear me cry.

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I should probably let Che do the talking. Goddamn crazy tribal person, why don't you comply?!

Sometime later.

I was looking for you, Lizzurd.

Oh?

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Do you know there is a price on your head?

Makes sense. After all, nobody likes lizards...

It might have something to do with this. *pulls Lizzurd's beacon out of her pocket* Care to explain?

... Some useless gadget I've thrown away a few days ago.

Enough! *throws the beacon at the wall, crushing the device into small pieces* I give you one last chance to tell me everything.

What do you expect me to say? I'm just working here. Have goals and dreams of my own. Want to become a janitor one day.

*draws her knife*

What did they tell you? People from Insten? That I am a criminal or something?

Most wanted terrorist. Hacker working for the mechanoids.

So THAT's what they think? *grins* Funny.

What happened in Berrington?

Hostile AI took over the local network. I tried to disable it and failed. All I could do is re-write some parts of the code, so it would spare my life. Soon after the incident they bombed the city. I survived by pure luck. End of story.

Bullshit. Don't believe a word you said.

How much do you know about Insten? I bet you don't know shit. Outlander Union? More like a cover-up for underground experiments.

I admit we don't normally deal with Insten. Both our organizations are too stubborn to find common ground. We had conflicts in the past--

*Lizzurd's voice is full of anger all of a sudden* INSTEN IS AN UNHOLY DEN OF DEGRADATION! Community of people so prosperous, they didn't notice the ground beneath them turning into Abyss! It's like ancient Rome all over again!

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Decadence? Is that the reason you tried to kill them? The reason you are trying to get KKK invaded as well?

Believe what you want. Lizzurd's done talking. *walks away*

You didn't explain the beacon!

*murmurs* It's not a beacon, stupid bitch.

Having fun, errand boy? I certainly am.

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Umm, I thought we are supposed to work?

Eh. Look at dis snowman, it's gonna be YUGE! And ugly too. Sorta like hello friend.

Who?

Stupid fuck who can't run from shit.

I wanna build a snowman too!

Be my fookin' guest. It's not like there is a lack of snow.

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*comes out of shitting room* What the fuck am I looking at? HEY!

This Trobo guy is genius! He told me about this FIESTA thingie - ever heard about that??

Wh-- wh--

Dig it: if you take a break every now and then, your work improves along with your mood. FUCKING BRILLIANT, I tell ya!

I agree! I'm having FUN!

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! IT'S MUTINY!!! START FUCKING WORKING, LAZY SHITS, BEFORE I CUT OFF THE REST OF YOUR EYES AND FINGERS!!!

*walk away, showing discontent*

That's right. Hmm. I don't remember having that many huskies in KKK...

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KALIN!! Someone's coming! Make sure they behave, club them to death if they don't!

Yeah, yeah. Fucking Grimwulf.

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HALT!

Greetings! We came here to talk and trade.

Find someone else to do that. I'm just here to break your skulls if you give me a reason. Will you give me a reason?

Heh heh, we'll try not to.

Sad. Holy fff... WHAT IS THIS?!

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Don't worry, she is very friendly!

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When you're chasing a supernaturally fast beast, you need to ride something even faster. Hello there. I am Lord Brimstone, but you may call me Terry.

I'm just mining machinery. Occasionally I mine other people. Do you need mining, Terry?

No.

GOOD.

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Come with me. I'll show you someone who is actually willing to chat.

Lead the way.

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Where is everyone... GRIMWULF, YOU FUCK! CHEETAH, YOU WHORE!

Words can hurt. Ever wondered why people say that? Because other people die when they call wrong woman a whore.

*spits on the floor* Just get your skinny butt outside.

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*walks outside with Kalin* Oh, my. Do you know who this man is?

Some trader, obviously.

Wrong. This is not a caravan. *approaches Terry*

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Abigail Murphy, I presume?

Call me Cheetah.

Leif told me I would find you here. I am--

I know who you are. I've been sending letters to you for several months now.

Is that so? Isidora! Did we receive any letters from lady Murphy?

I don't think we did...

When will you people start using computers?

Not in my lifetime, that's for certain. What did you want to tell me?

Since you are the only werewolf hunter I know, and since I've been hunted by a werewolf - take a lucky guess.

This plague is spreading too fast indeed.

I've dealt with Lincoln already, no thanks to you. Glad to hear Leif wasn't hurt.

Are you now?

...

I'm trying to track down this particular clan. Perhaps you know why was Lincoln so interested in you?

Not a clue. He was annoying. Now he's dead. It's the usual course of events in my life.

Lincoln wasn't cursed, you see. He was born a werewolf. Why would a werewolf hold a grudge against you?

Perhaps it wasn't a grudge? Perhaps it was affection?

What have you done, Murphy? Tell me. It might escalade into a war between werewolves and humankind. We have to be prepared.

I'm not going to explain myself to you. Do you have anything to trade? If not - get out.

Hmmppfffff. Tough case. Should have listened to Leif. Fine, let us trade.

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Sold all leather and textiles. We need silver.

I need more men in my warband.

Don't we all?

I am willing to pay handsomely for any prisoners you have.

Not interested. We are done here.

May we meet each other again, Cheetah.

Pray that we won't.

Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (open) Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (close)

Told everyone to haul stuff inside the new Storage.



Simple construction, to be sure. Columns for support, roof for keeping merchandise in good condition.



Efficiency. That's my second name.

*GURGLE*

EEK!

No worries, this one is a friendly veggie. Not edible, though.

*confirming with a pop-pop*

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You are a trash leader, Grim. Sorry to say, but yeah.

I killed people for less.

Can't kill me again! Look at Bliblablubb.

She's gross, so what?

No, I mean - why is she hunting rats? RATS. Come on, Grim! Don't we have more important stuff to do?

Like what? Keeping Kalin in check? I can do it myself.

HEY, YOU MEDIEVAL SCUMBAGS!! KEEP YOUR SHIT AWAY FROM MUH MAN OF SNOW! SCRAM! Stupid fucks.

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Good job, Grim. As always.

Shuddup, Azira. Wildlife is a threat to our stability. You, of all people, should know that.

NOT RATS, GRIMWULF! NOT RATS!

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From each according to his ability--

Don't give me that crap. We could do so much more. You've done a research bench, right?

Aye.

THEN WHY IS NOBODY DOING RESEARCH? I mean, you have Cheetah! And Lizzurd! What are they doing right now?

Hauling shit? I dunno.

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YOUR DOGS can haul shit!

You sound edgy today, Azira. What happened? Your ghost penus fell off?

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My ghost vodka is gone. I suspect Ryan, but can't prove anything.

MU-HOH?!

See? He is always acting like a retarded drunkard. *sigh*

Hey.

What?

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Good job on the storage. Especially that wall to the south. That was a weak spot.

Yeh. When you start from something like that, I know there is an unpleasant conversation ahead.

See this man over there? He is a werewolf hunter. Werewolves... What used to be a minor community of several cursed souls now escalades into a force to be reckoned with.

I fought Grimdeer and survived. Bunch of wolf people doesn't scare me, woman.

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We have too many enemies, Grim. Most of them know where to find us.

Let them come.

They will overcome us eventually, if only by sheer numbers. We can't fight a defensive war for too long.

What are you suggesting?

We strike back.

Hmmm...

Good night, Grim.

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Yeah.

She's right. Pillaging enemy stations will bring both profit and extra security for KKK.

Not to mention the reputation.

Need to gather more people first.

And set up a comms console. Can't believe you lost my journal! I've researched this technology back in the old days!

Doesn't matter. My private house comes first.

Speaking of which - how do you plan to live there, with no geyser to warm you up?

Primitive fueled generator. Temporary solution. It should fit in my shitter.

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*pop-pop*

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That's my girl. Take that vile creature to the fridge! I'll make you five mini-ushankas for your head-tentacles.

*depressed gurgle*

Right. You only have four head-tentacles now. Silly me.

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Later that night.

I'm watching ye. Don't get any ideas!

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Kalin, wasn't it? A word?

What?! I need my sleep!

That woman, Abigail. What kind of circumstances made her join your group?

Long story short, I saved her worthless life and now she OWES ME BIG TIME! Mah slave persun.

Saved her life? From what?

IMPRISONMENT, you dimwit! The Red Party, nasty fuckers. Pwned them all, saved the girl, walked away victorious. Sorta regret it naw, but meh. That's what DA SPACE COP does. Now fark off. *enters the barracks*

... *contemplates*

Doesn't make sense...

The Red Party was under Murphy's command.

 

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

 

Keep those delicious updates coming Grimwulf!

 

Think I'm working hard on dat update right now? GWA HA HA, think again.

I got a nasty micro-issue regarding research screen. Had to get rid of the mod that made it look at least somewhat comprehensible, coz the mod was causing bugs. Now I'm using another one that doesn't. But research screen is absolutely mind-fucking, it's fucking indescribable. Multiple tabs, each with scrollbars and shit, it's impossible to merge or edit, or... You know what, just see for yourselves:

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In order to make it more or less representable, so that MEN could VOTE, I came up with a manly decision to make a glorious research scheme myself, as in from scratch. First thing first, I had to draw a rough sketch for myself, screenshots alone don't cut it. You have to actually click on the tech to know its tech level and full list of prerequisite techs (those lines you see on pic above aren't anywhere near objective).

Had to invoke my inner Lizzurd, and THE SCHEME was born.

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It's not even complete, ffs. Will have to refer to screenshots for the rest of the techs. One day I will merge it into a single beautiful Grim Scheme. One day.

And that's how I spent my last hour. Or two. Or three? Who knows, that cognac is pretty swell.

Gonna write next update naw.

 

Alcohol is good for you. I've been drinking beer today.

 

My favorite drink.

 

DAY 10

*flailing her tentacles at the snow*

What is it doing..?

Keep your distance, Isidora. It might be dangerous...

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Meanwhile.

I see you're getting used to borsch.

It reminds me of my mother's croissants with dirty leather filling. She had Alzheimer's, my poor old woman.

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Alzheimer's?

I mean... Wooka-wooka disease.

*enters the workshop* Hope I didn't interrupt anything.

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Bienvenido, Senor Lizzurd! Senora and I were casually flirting, no big deal. Care to join?

I would rather cut stone blocks. Thank you.

Me? Flirting with you? Do you have a deathwish or something?

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I am willing to die in your embrace, Senorita.

Careful, Trobo. She is already in love with Grimwulf. Or so she says...

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What are you implying?

Nothing. You are a romantic person, prone to falling in love. Nothing surprising at all.

LOVE! EL AMOR! Love for my prison status! This is why I REFUSE to join your refined community! REHUSAR!

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This isn't over, Lizzurd. *goes outside*

I'll be waiting.

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Meanwhile.

Yuuuurgh! *tries to swallow borsch, but spits the liquid every time, unable to hold it inside*

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Too much salt?

Salt?

I'm trying to make it easier for you, ungrateful prick! Okay, so there is no actual salt.

It's salty, though.

Lacgirl's piss.

He's joking. Just another Grimwulf joke. *swallows with great effort* GGGGGHHHHH

*mindfucking GURGLE*

WOOF!

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*pop-pop-pop*

*walks outside using only his rear paws*

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Impressive...

Fix the damn food situation, Grimwulf.

HOW?

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I might be suggesting something completely crazy here, but how about... More cooking?

Very funny, Azira, you joker. I will butcher every dead thing in my fridge in half a day. Then I will cook glorious stew of whatever they consist of. Problem is, it's just a matter of time before KKK goes full starvation.

We need to hunt big game.

There is none. No emergency meat either.

Think of something!

Meanwhile.

I see you are packing your stuff. Good timing.

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Duty calls. I have werewolves to slay.

Go for it, old hunter.

A word of advice, if I may. Given some time, sincerity opens more doors than deceit.

I expressed myself inaccurately. Get out, old drunkard.

*smirks and leaves KKK*

A bit later.

What's your problem, special flower?

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WE'RE ALL DOOMED! Can't you feel it too?!

Your warband left. Catch up. GO!

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THE MONOLITH HUNGERS!!! WAAAAAAAAAGH! GET AWAAAAY!!!

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*shrugs and goes away*

The Monolith! The Monolith...

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Later that day.

Senor Kommissar!

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What?

My heart is pounding so hard! Put your hand on my hairy chest and see for yourself.

No.

Such a cruel life.

*enters the workshop*

SENORITA! Touch my chest, PLEASE!

*sigh*

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Spare me the effort, Trobo. You would attempt to escape by now if you didn't want to join KKK.

Will you join my escape?

I'm afraid it will be *tosses her knife* cut short.

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Such a cruel life. Senor Lizzurd!

Ignore me completely. Just cutting blocks here.

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TOUCH MY CHEST with your cold, cold hand!

Umm, no.

SUCH A CRUEL LIFE!

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I want to kill this guy. You?

Yep. Won't cry for him.

Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (open) Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (close)

Barracks - CLEANED!



Nice 'n neat naw. Almost as gud as my future private house. Hopefully those lazy basterds bring me enough marble, and soon.



Makin' dat furniture shouldn't take long, since Cheetah delivered materials inside the house.



Storage is kinda short on resources, but hey - WE GOT A STORAGE! Glory be!



Butcher.



Cook.



Eat.



This ride never ends!

Later that day.

See, veggie, the danger of living here in KKK ain't the criminals. Not even the deers. It's fucking kommunists.

*confused pop-pop*

Lemme chew it down for ya. I've taken more bullets from friendly fire than from enemy guns.

*gurgle*

Still not convinced? Grimwulf is trying to poison me with his food on a daily basis.

*weird bubbling sound*

When I lost mah eye, you know what they did? Put an eyepatch on my STILL BLEEDING WOUND! Hell, you have more chances to die during KKK MEDICAL PROCEDURES THAN DURING FIGHTING AN ACTUAL BATTLE!

*concerned popping*

FUCK IT! FUCK KKK! AND FUCK YOU TOO!!!

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*throws his walkie-talkie away and wanders off*

*stretches out her tentacle*

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One hour later.

I will cut your ears. I mean it.

But then I will never hear your BEAUTIFUL voice, Senorita!

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I'm done, Grim. He is beyond my ability.

The Party is counting on you, Cheetah. Don't give up. *walks outside*

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Humm, she can't convince him.

She has to.

Maybe if you gave him a proper bed? And allowed to go outside? At least visit the toilet sometimes?

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What else, Greenballs? A TABLE, maybe?

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She'll make it. Eventually.

Later that day.

*PROJECTING MIND-FUCKING WAVES OVER A LOOOONG DISTANCE*

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*SHRIIIIIEEEEEEEEEK*

Stupid vegetable shriekin'...

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I'm going to leave. Yeah. The world needs da space cop, roaming these lands, bringing swift justice wherever he goes...

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*psshhh* Kalin. KALIN! COME IN! Over.

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No luck, eh? Want a drink?

Yeah.

Me too.

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POWER GENERATOR AT LAST!

Shitty fueled one. It will burn away all our wood stores in no time, then ask for more.

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Still. This is a start.

Your mother was a start, Servant.

I see you are in that special mood again.

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Need wood. Got wood?

We are running out, but help yourself.

A bit later.

GLORIOUS POWER! Gotta eat borsch now.

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Soooo... This generator... Is it for your house only?

Aye.

The rest of KKK will have to survive without energy?

Ye.

Aaaand you don't find it... unfair?

Nu.

I see. Feels great to chat with you, Grim.

Later that evening.

You must be really tired, cutting blocks all day long...

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I am, Trobo. I am.

If only I could do something... Anything? Shall we sing together?

Actually... KIEV, YES! I don't have to cut blocks! YOU will cut blocks from now on!

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technical notes (open) technical notes (close)

Had to turn off manual priorities (the numbered system), coz they don't work for some reason. Still trying to figure that out. Shouldn't affect this LP in any way, just making more unnecessary micro-managing for me. Oh, well.

Also, Trobo has glorious ZERO in crafting. Yeah.

B-but SENOR!

Have a good night, Trobo.

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*enters the workshop* Where is the green-haired bastard?

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Shhh. He is sleeping.

WHAT?! It's SEVEN PM!

He loves to sleep. Me - I love honest work. Look at me cutting blocks from this chunk! *gently palms a chunk of marble* Ooohhhh...

It will take several years to cut this chunk using your method.

Can I speak to Senora? She understands me better. Despite being femenino.

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Join KKK already!

NO!

FUCK!

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A bit later.

Come with me, Che! Grab some blocks while you're at it!

That's almost romantic...

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Gonna finish my bedroom tonight. You can sleep here too.

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Our bedroom? At last! *attempts to kiss Grimwulf's cheek*

*dodges at the last moment* I mean THE HOUSE! You can sleep in the house! Haul your bed to the dining room!

Oh. That's... unexpected.

Need some privacy.

... Sure.

Would you refuel the generator as well? Got my hands full.

Yeah. On it. *walks outside*

Daaaamn. That's cold.

I know. That's why I need more fuel in the generator - to set up a damn heater!

What..? I mean... Forget it.

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The woman needs to learn. Grimwulf made the right call.

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Homm... I wonder why she didn't prefer to stay in the barracks. Sleeping in Kommissar's dining room is sort of... humiliating.

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She simply wants to be closer to Grim. You heartless bastards.

Later that night.

*mumbles in his sleep* Ke ke ke. Ke ke ke.

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*sonorus gurgling*

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*murmurs* Salad. Kalin. Bacon. Lizzurd Overlord.

*calming pop-pop*

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*whispers* Shodan...

Meanwhile.

... I'm goin' back. Grimwulf OWES ME!

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*searches for his walkie-talkie*

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There! *psshhh* GRIMWULF!

*psh psh* If it isn't BLOODY KALIN THE LOITERER!

I was scoutin', if you care. Area is secure.

What a sorry excuse of an excuse. Stop buggerin' me and make yourself useful! Over.

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Nice bed. The heater is working too. You should take a nap now.

NEGATIVE! My bedroom will be done tonight, or my name is not-- FUCKING SHIT!!!

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Guess your name is not Fucking Shit after all...

Seriously. Go to bed.

NO!!

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Hours later.

Done.

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Beautiful.

Still need a desk, to write shit down in my Kommissar Log.

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Gotta be cherry wood.

Beautiful.

Any ideas where to get cherry wood? Anyone?

KKK is going down so fast...

Later that night.

Lizzurd? Whaddya doin' here?

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This is the only table in KKK... So...

Be my guest.

Really, Grim?

Didn't mean to wake you up...

The stench of borsch alone is unbearable. Your sweat makes it even worse. Your voice, however, makes everything pale in comparisson.

I thought you'll be glad to see me...

Psst. Lizzurd. Look at me buildin' stuff like an absolute b-- FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

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You failed to make a... bucket?

The wood is garbage. Thanks a lot, Cheetah!

*draws her knife* Non-Cheetah people in this room will start dying in three... two...

*both go outside, swearing*

Grimball! Mind if I take my meal in your crib?

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Be my guest.

Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (open) Grimwulf's Kommissar Log (close)

The house is done, more or less. Now I have my private wash bucket and shitter.



Lizzurd and I had a casual conversation about the weather.



Wasn't really paying attention, since I was busy figuring out cherry wood (WHERE DO I GET IT??), but I believe he mentioned "everyone will freeze to death" and "the only warm room in entire KKK is something-something".



Gotta get some sleep.

MAKE YOUR KEY CHOICE​

Collective voting​

Current agenda: research

The Grim Scheme is coming later this week. Meanwhile, komrades are free to choose something from the list (options are given in no particular order):

1. Batteries. We could build a wind turbine right now for electricity purposes, but it is nearly useless without batteries.
2. Solar Panels. Effective and reliable source of power. Still needs batteries, but can be backed up by fueled generator during night time.
3. Microelectronic Basics. Important milestone tech, also comms console and high-tec research bench.
4. Smithing. Another important milestone tech that leads to Machining and all kinds of stuff.
5. Hydroponics for growing. Wanna now why we don't have a brewery yet? Coz we CAN'T GROW HOPS!
6. Canning Tech. For efficient food with Soviet taste.
7. Plumbing. For ACTUAL toilets, baths and also heaters! Heaters working on hot water instead of electricity.
8. Explosive IED (improvised explosive device). Your basic landmines. For extra security. Has a small delay before going off.
9. Incendiary IED. Spreads napalm around as soon as someone steps on top of it.
10. Complex Clothing. For TEH FASHUN purposes.

Personal Choices​

Kalin (open) Kalin (close)

You have an errand boy AND yourself. Both of you are decent crafters, and our workshop sports some nice toolsets. So you may pick two items in total* from the following lists:















*some of them might be impossible to make at this stage

Bliblablubb (open) Bliblablubb (close)

BLOBRA

You have enslaved a goat. Enslaved. A goat.

Why?



You can't milk it. You can't shear it. You can't even train it, coz it's dumb.

Sooo... What do we do with the goat?

1. Name him *input a name here* and let him eat what's left of the food.
2. Send him to Grimwulf's bloodbath fridge.
3. Wait til someone comes over and pays moneh for the beast.
4. *your own option*

Cheetah (open) Cheetah (close)

Give your husky a proper name already!

Lizzurd (open) Lizzurd (close)

You may pick an item from any of these lists:







However, working on Kalin's picks comes first. Once you're finished, you may satisfy your own needs.

Finally, overview screenshots of the Kolony in case you want to suggest any plans or projects.

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Have a gud week, komrade men.

 

7. Plumbing

Looks kinda chilly there, may be nice to have some heating in the night made a possibility. In particular, I don't think waking up to -19 C will help defrost Cheetah's heart any time sooner, and the prisoner is resting in conditions warmer than those for anyone save Grimwulf which is unacceptable.

 

Batteries sounds like a smart choice. Electricity = easier life.

 

IEDs

Become communist gorilla warfare experts, revolution will be our primary export

Raid inspire other settlements to become slaves convert to communism

 

Smithing. Obviously smithing. Can't have working class without smithing.

Assume you listed all the temperatures in communist Celsius rather than free folk Fahrenheit. In which case, what is there to complain about? Cheetah will have to move but everywhere else is above zero. Bourgeoisie luxuries have made the people weak. A little nip in the air will make them strong! (If the barracks actually fall below freezing just stuff everyone into the smallest room and light a brazier. Enclosed space oughta heat up quickly.)

 

Plumbing.

 

Definitely Plumbing. I'm not even in the Kolony and I can feel the cold from here.

 

Heat is a luxury. Very disappointed in you men.

 

Why would I need clothes? They are redundant these days. If I really need some coat I can just take it from some dead body...

I would like to choose something else. I was inactive for too long. It is time for my own plans. Not for some Grimbutt or Kalinskiy errands. Investigate the monolith!

 

5. Hydroponics for growing. Alcohol will heat us up as it should in proper KOMUNISTIC KOLONY!

Husky... I'd name him Slaughter because in case of starvation he will be first to slaughter. And it's close enough to be named after The Brazilian Slaughter I wonder if they have Husky's in Brazil.

 

I've just taken a yuge crap. Made me realize just what a godsend good plumbing is.

 

Love how the lp seamlessly fluctuates between a more small-scale, sit com like whammy writing and epic conspiracy storytelling. Marvelous job, Kommissar Grim Wulf of Eternal Frost in Forlorn Woods of Solitude Howling to the Dark Moon of Glorious Kommunism.

 

Hey! Finally sum perks around here!

...motha-


Klassic Grimwulf rite there.

Well screw it, still want winter boots and winter gloves, gotta be warm and snazzy.

Might have to scavenge for sum materials tho.

Hmmmm. Hey, Azira! C'mere boy...

 

Cheetah is the only real man in KKK despite the fact that she is a woman.
Also with vegetables Grimwulf can make even better borsch. Borsch and vodka. True kommunistic paradise.

 

Oh yeh, this is as good a time as any to reveal:

Mah top sekhrut plan (open) Mah top sekhrut plan (close)

Fuckin Grimwulf thought he could bamboozle me, living in a palace while im left with nuthin.

"Har-har!! Stupid Kalin can't build shit, I got monopaly on buildin shit around here!"

Yeah Grim, dat clevur. Realy clevur. Except for one littul detail:

Im a mothafuckin first class miner!

The plan! (open) The plan! (close)

Cheap fuck aint gon build me my CITIZEN QUARTER as PROMISED! I can't BUILD SHIT so ima gonna MINE my own place in dem mountins.

I already mine and haul shit all day long. KKKers are lazy fucks, no one will figure out a thing.

Yep, totally gonna work. Cover the door with some covery shit, then stock my sekrut place with all da goodies I can smuggle away.

Kalinz Kapitalist Kontrarevaloshun baby!



ITZ gonna be YUGE!