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Completed Let us RECLAIM THE HOLY LAND

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
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Long ago, when the world was still black and white, there was a Hungarian studio that made a bunch of cool strategy games, including King Arthur: The Roleplaying Wargame.

Unfortunately, later they decided to hit themselves in the head with a hammer and thought it was a good idea to jump to diablo clones of the Van Helsing series.

Still, before the madness had set upon them, they made a game called Lionheart: The Kings' Crusade.

Kings%27_Crusade_cover_art.jpg


WHICH IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO PLAY RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

So don your great helms, say your prayers and anoint your blades in the blood of the devils from the oriental heathendom. The time to Make The Holy Land Great Again is once more at hand.


Table of contents:

Crusader Campaign:

Chapter I: A Rough Start in Acre
Chapter II: Acre, Take Two
Chapter III: New Jerusalem
Chapter IV: Blood Peninsula
Chapter V: March to Antioch
Interlude I: Traitors in Tripoli
Interlude II: Cyprus Hill
Chapter VI: Big Trouble in Little Armenia
Interlude III: Bohemond the Bambino
Chapter VII: Trench Warfare in Edessa
Chapter VIII: Requiem in A-Minor
Interlude IV: Tactical Genius
Interlude V: Slaughter Pavilion
Chapter IX: Shells in the Night
Chapter X: Desert Storm
Chapter XI: Overwhelming Odds
Chapter XII: Upping the Ante
Chapter XIII: Kebabistan
Interlude VI: Operation Barbarossa
Chapter XIV: Euphrates Shield
Interlude VII: Deus Ex Machina
Chapter XV: Imprisoned with the Pharaohs
Chapter XVI: I Don't Even
Chapter XVII: THE B(I/U)G ONE!

Saracen Campaign:

Surah 1: Moderate Jihad
Surah 2: Euphrates Wrath
Surah 3: Just Seljuk Things
Surah 4: Gimme Dem Ducat Bills
Surah 5: Saladin's March to the Sea
Surah 6: Blood for Paradise
Surah 7: Land of the Giants
Surah 8: Short Work
Surah 9: Hamburger Hill
Surah 10: NBA Hangtime
Surah 11: Teutonic Plates
Surah 12: Deadly Commandos
Surah 13: Remember the Fallen
Surah 14: Reinstate Kebab
Surah 15: Devastating Defensive Deep Strikes
Surah 16: Allah Akbar!
 
Last edited:

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
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CHAPTER I - A ROUGH START IN ACRE

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The game features two campaigns - Crusader and Saracen - and a bunch of single missions. Naturally, we choose to embark on a CRUSADE OF THE RIGHTEOUS.

The Saracen campaign might follow in the future. Who knows?

201706081727121.jpg


The warriors of Christ know no fear, and also no difficulty other than Very Hard.

(this might be a bad idea because I barely remember anything about this game, I mostly played King Arthur to death back in the day, and Lionheart IIRC has much different (better) unit balance.)

201706081727181.jpg


The last bastions of civilisation in the Middle East lay in ruins.

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And all because of this fucker! :argh:

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Fortunately, the pope was wise enough to call in reinforcements from back home.

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Thus the Kings' Crusade had begun. And we, in our royal person, king Richard I of England, Duke of Normandy, Aquitaine and Gascony, Lord of Cyprus, Count of Poitiers, Anjou, Maine, and Nantes, and Overlord of Brittany, The Lionheart, naturally decided to participate.

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After conquering Cyprus in a tutorial (actually, I didn't play the tutorial this time around because it's boring. But I do remember it was Cyprus), we prepare to make our landing into Jerusalem.

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But we'll probably need a better army because we only have a handful of dudes.

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Informative

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This is where we buy new units. Only basic ones are available for the moment, and these are heavy infantry such as Crusaders...

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and foot knights.

Heavy infantry pack a punch and can take a beating but are slow as snails and get tired easily on terrain that isn't paved and flat as a pancake.

Then it's light infantry:

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Spearmen, your weapon of choice against everything quadruped.

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And vassals, who are massive scrublords and good-for-nothing cannon fodder.

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Then comes the light cavalry. Useful for fast capping of points, harassing of archers, and not much else, because they melt when glared at.

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And of course archers. Though nerfed compared to King Arthur, they are still some of the deadliest troops to have around.

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Also, The Man himself, leading from the front. Richard is a hero unit that comes with a bodyguard detachment of heavy infantry. Later on he'll be able to massacre armies singlehandedly.

Also2, Rick starts with some free points to spend to spend on attributes - attack, defence, ranged (N/A), morale, stamina. Obviously, I assigned both to attack.

The 12k starting ducats isn't much, and our army is pathetic - Richard, foot knights, cavalry, vassals and bowmen. I splurged the geld on a squad of crusaders and another bowman regiment.

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After buying units, we can upgrade them.

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Richard can also pick a skill right at the start. We get to choose from 3 which are Overwhelming Charge...

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... Sound of Courage...

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and Swift Attack.

We'd have to be retarded to pick anything other than Overwhelming Charge. There is no mana in this game, only cooldowns, and typically you have enough time between engagements to use it each time you fight. Sound of Courage is only useful if you're losing, and losing is for faggots. Swift attack is meh.

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The rest of our fresh recruits don't get shit.

But we can still buy them some stat upgrades or special characters. For each unit, including heroes, you can start buying attack and defence upgrades (the shield and sword). You can also assign special dudes to them, such as Priests (+morale), Healers (less losses post-battle) and Captains (mini-hero basically). Heroes can also be upgraded with horses into cavalry, which is doubleplusgud.

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But min-maxing doesn't end here, since there are also items.

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Heroes get to equip powarful rerics, like this here horn. They can also be sold for $$$ or given away for Faith points (I don't remember atm what that does, I think they add a bunch of general bonuses). Faith points are measured by the red gems in the cross on the lower left.

Richard is a king of barely adequate faith!

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Regular units get to equip various items. For the moment we have some arrerz (+3% damage; -16% fire rate), sum swords (+7 damage; +3% damage), sum leather armour (+18 ranged defence; +6 armour), sum consumables (+16 damage/60 sec potion; -16% attack rate potion), and an elixir that permanently increases a stat (this one does +5 damage).

Didn't give the elixir to anyone, because I couldn't remember who'd profit from it the most (and I'd also hate to see the guy who got it die in the first battle).

After general army management, there come reputations.

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Informative.

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The more we suck up to all these fags

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The more bonuses we'll get.

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Each faction has its own set of bonuses.

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And IIRC you can't max more than 2 of them out, so we'll have to choose wisely.

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Finally, we're done with the preparations, so... to conquest! There is only one place we can attack atm. Ze kingdom of Jewrusalem.

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Informative.

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In this screen, we typically choose a faction's battle plan (that determines how a mission will play out). But, as comrade protip told us, for this first mission we are bound to the plan of the papal states. Which is as follows:

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Hold out -> build siege weapons -> REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES.

As you may notice, our army is split into two categories. The first two units are what we start with. The rest will be gradually coming in.

We can also buy 4 assets for the battle - weakening walls by 50%, +5 engineering points for siege weapon deployment, spreading rumours to lower enemy morale globally by 10%, sabotage to freely demolish one enemy defensive structure.

For this battle, I didn't pick any. We are strapped for cash as is already.

Now, TO BATTLE!

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Unfortunately, comrade loading screen did not save itself, so we start right in the thick of it.

The two crosses indicate where our reinforcements will spawn.

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Acre, our long-term objective. For the moment, blocked, as we have to wait for dudes to land.

Atm we only have richard and crusaders. And our beachhead is under attack by...

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SLEAZY SELJUK WARRIORS!

They are as trash tier as you can get. Roughly the equivalent of our vassals.

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We bumrush the turks, waiting for new units.

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But what is this? Kebab Kavalry incoming! Three regiments running down from the hills! (one is offscreen)

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Reinforcements arrive, fortunately, although they are all scrublords (cavalry and vassals).

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We divide our forces and engage the horsemen.

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When an enemy regiment routs or dies, this Circle o' Doom appears. Any units inside who are allied with the ones that died take huge morale penalties and may rout as well. Routed regiments run and get run down.

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Curses! The turks get reinforcements of their own!

Also, our units may get various accolades during battle. Like here, someone got "swift fighter", which increases attack speed. Dunno how you get it though, but for example you can also get "battered" for permanent bonus ranged defence if you eat enough arrows to the face.

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Finally we're done with the horsemen, and Richard's army is reinforced with two archer regiments.

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But the arab reinforcements are dastardly kebab ninja archers, and another regiment of seljuk warriors!

Are we doomed to become turk pincushion?!

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Not really, because we just massacre the swordsmen with our own archers.

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And then Richard and the newly-arrived crusaders charge the enemy archers. Their pitiful arrows cannot penetrate our ARMOUR OF FAITH!

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Killing the seljuks unlocks the rest of the map. This gathering of smelly muslims next to a strategic point is the closest to us. It even has a guard tower!

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The other strategic point is guarded by another tower,

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And then in the corner there are some other random dudes, chillin' like a villain.

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AND OF COURSE OUR PRIZE.

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We open with archers upon the horsemen and warriors. They don't like being shot at, so they charge us.

Let them come. We are ready.

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This is relevant to our interests, because we can slaughter them far away from the range of the guard tower.

Still, the crusaders are getting way more losses than I'd expected.

Anyway, with the horsemen out, we somehow have to get rid of the tower. Buildings can only be destroyed in melee, which makes our archers useless. A shame, really, cuz they outrange the turret.

However, Richard is a master of many clever stratagems, so he knows what to do to minimise losses!

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He rushes forward first, spread out, to aggro the tower, while quick-moving cavalry slams down into it, completely undisturbed.

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SOON THE BANNER OF CHRIST FLIES ABOVE THE CITY WALLS

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Capturing this point gives us a new set up phase. We can now deploy siege weapons, and these are: trebuchets, catapults, guard towers and ballistas.

I have no idea what the practical difference is between catapults and trebuchets (maybe I should RTFM... nah!), but they decimate regiments and crush walls, Dark Omen style. Ballistas turn heavy units into mincemeat. Guard towers are short-range arrow turrets useful for defence, so not particularly useful for us atm.

These aren't all siege weapons, too. In future scenarios we'll get to deploy burning oil fields, caltrops, siege towers, etc.

What we can field is also limited, alas, both in numbers and in placement. I got 2 ballistas, a trebuchet and a catapult in the end.

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Pressing "start battle" reveals many dots of red-hot kebab on the map, well-prepared to drive us back with double spicy sauce!

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Among them, kebab heavy infantry.

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BEGIN THE BOMBARDMENT.

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LET NOTHING STAND.

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As their defences fall, the heathens decide to bumrush us.

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From both sides!

Fortunately, unlike in say, Stronghold, all your siege weapons have unlimited ammo. So you can just target the incoming suckers with everything you have.

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Look at 'em run! :thumbsup:

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On the other front, we pepper the rest with our archers.

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Red banner means critical morale failure. These dudes will run to the edge of the map and leave the battle.

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Remaining seljuks regroup inside the city.

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And we take the fight to them.

I'm not sure if it's the very hard difficulty that adds more punch to the pathetic seljuk light infantry, but the fact is, they are much more beefy than I'd remembered. Additional time spent in the gym lets them heavily batter our knights.

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And what is even worse, we now have to take a hike down this street, while getting shot at by archers from all sides. To the north is a full regiment that we can't approach or we'll get into the range of city defences. To the west is the victory point and two 15-men archer squads that previously ate a few catapult boulders and are thus weakened.

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IT'S A PERFECT HOME RUN!

Foot knights almost die to the archers, what the fuck.

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Phew, we reach them before losing any full regiment. That would be muy no bueno.

And finally...

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KEBAB STATUS: REMOVED

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Look at all them bonus XPs and accolades and shieeeeeeeet I can't wait to upgrade all these... :smug:

error.png


What.

WHAT.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME.

... :negative:

naturally, there's no saving in battles.

and autosave didn't trigger before crash.

so I'll have to siege Acre again. Maybe this time with a bit less losses?

borealesad.jpg


STAY TUNED FOR MORE SLAUGHTER OF HEATHEN SCUM SOON!
 

ore clover

Learned
Joined
Mar 25, 2017
Messages
171
Damn, so that's why the third crusade failed. Richard would've won if it weren't for his buggy software.

:despair:
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
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Location
Djibouti
Hmmm, I've just read on steam that the runtime errors are apparently VERY frequent on 64-bit Windows and that they can't be fixed.

THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE :M
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
Ha. Now I remember why I abandoned any ideas of this LP
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
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Messages
1,878,405
Location
Djibouti
Yesterday's nail-biting cliffhanger deserves a quick update.

CHAPTER II - ACRE, TAKE TWO




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Before we try to take Acre again, I get a healer for the foot knights. Their defence is kind of shit so they might need the lower casualty rates.

20090123105455-apothecary.jpg
Direct me to the injured.

Unfortunately, we can't just buy the special figures for all squads willy-nilly, because we have limited reserves of these. Atm, we have only 1 priest, 1 healer and 1 kaptin. More can be obtained as mission rewards.

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muh deja vu

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This time, king Richard decided to employ a different stratagem from Sun Tzu's book of gangbangs.

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Now for something different - we'll start sieging from the front.

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Local kebabs pose little resistance, and soon we deploy the big guns.

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The suckers from the other siege point try to rush us. Obviously they have little success.

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Some others trying to do a sortie to spectacular failure.

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Seljuk ninjas are regrouping in the city centre again.

I don't remember THAT many archers the last time!

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The worst thing is that they have a wide-open flank... but there's a bastion in the way, and going through its fire zone is unwise.

Of course, the tower is in the range of my catapult, but unfortunately siege weapons are a bit retarded in this game, and they can't hit slim buildings on the edge of their range for SHIT. All the missiles land just a cm short of hitting.

So we'll have to take the hard way.

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and let our troops become turk pincushions again.

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Fortunately, light cavalry is adept at murdering archers. Cavalry charge one squad -> immediate rout. Attack another one -> everyone routs.

AVE MARIA!

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After which comes the removal of stray kebab.

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VICTORY!

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Significantly lower losses than last time (53 vs 85). To be honest, for no real reason too, but I ain't complainin'.

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And what do you know - NO CRASH!

ALLELUIA

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Victory gets us 9k geld and a squad of these crusader arrerz boyz, who are just normal arrerz, but better.

However, don't let the BIG NUMBERS fool you. These guys' "6 ranged" is not at all equal to the "6 ranged" of our regular bowmen. The same is true for all the heavy infantry - under the BIG NUMBERS are smaller numbers that come up only as tooltips. So the heathen devil hordes that may have big stat numbers equal to ours are also NOT mirrors of our noble defenders of the faith!

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Cavalry got 3 whopping levels last battle, which lets it choose a new ability. Available options are Ambush (more damage and stuff when popping out of hiding spots)

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Fleet-footed

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Scatter.

Took scatter because fuck archers, although fleet-footed was tempting.

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Rick can also get something new. Either the 3 starting ones or Commander

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or Famous Leader.

Neither of the two new abilities profit us for the moment, so I took the 1st level of swift attack.

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Meanwhile, replacing all dead guys costs us half the bounty for the last battle :negative:

But it's k, we can afford it.

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For good measure I also took a spearman regiment. Turk camel riders will now think twice before approaching our sacred pointy sticks!

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Our next mission - JERUSALEM.

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My heart seethes with rage at the prospect of HEATHEN HANDS grasping over the SPLENDOUR of the HOLY CITY :argh:

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Time to choose a plan of action!

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The slimy French want us to ride in and rob a bank restore a palace in the centre of the city.

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The savage Teutons suggest heading for some armouries in the north of the city.

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The sleazy Templars demand to rescue some pilgrims and *cough* RECLAIM *cough* some *cough* holy *cough* relics in the south.

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The sycophantic Papal Statesmen (???) ask to liberate the Chapel of the Ascension deep within the city.

Compared to Acre, we can also grab a new asset for the battle, which is poisoning the wells. For the bargain price of 1k geld, we can globally lower the hp of all enemies by 20%
TrumpBestDeal.png



This time the idea is more or less the same for all 4 plans. Deploy siege weapons -> bunker up at whatever important point -> destroy Saracen reinforcements swarming in from other parts of the city.

As you may also have gathered from these briefings through your outstanding [intellection], each choice will probably yield us a different reward. The French should get us additional $$$, the Germans moar weapons for our troops, the Templars a magic item, and the Papal States... uh... who the hell knows? Faith points, maybe? Also, as you will note in the future, there will be a regularity to all attack patterns of all factions. The French are always in for the majestic cavalry charges and the GLOREH. The Germans are always like "we need more bombardment, yo, where's me V2 rockets?" The Templars are always massive kleptomaniacs. And the Papal States either want to capture holy sites or fuck with the Templars.


So, whose retardedly suicidal brilliant plan shall we follow to victory, Codex? The chosen one must choose!
 
Last edited:
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What is up with Neocore and ridiculous armor and weapon designs? At least in King Arthur they had the excuse of having a mythical plot and fantasy elements. Those foot knights would probably do way more damage if they just decided to roll down the hill towards the Seljuks.
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
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Messages
1,878,405
Location
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What is up with Neocore and ridiculous armor and weapon designs? At least in King Arthur they had the excuse of having a mythical plot and fantasy elements. Those foot knights would probably do way more damage if they just decided to roll down the hill towards the Seljuks.

Asset recycling is one hell of a drug :M

I don't mind it at all personally.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
What is up with Neocore and ridiculous armor and weapon designs? At least in King Arthur they had the excuse of having a mythical plot and fantasy elements. Those foot knights would probably do way more damage if they just decided to roll down the hill towards the Seljuks.

hebby-armor.jpg
 

Nahel

Arcane
Joined
Feb 12, 2015
Messages
862
Meh this games looks cool. Such a pity Neocore declined after the first King Arthur (the second was trash....). But they still have the annoying bugs.
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
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CHAPTER III - NEW JERUSALEM



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Per your request, we shall hook up with the Knights Templar to reclaim the Holy City.

I also made sure to poison the wells (of the city we're about to move into) to make our job easier.

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The majesty of Jerusalem in all its bloomy glory.

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And our objective, the pilgrim's house. Doesn't look like anyone's at home.

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Setting up the big guns and getting in formation.

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Hitting "start battle" naturally populates the map with kebab stands.

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Including shish-kebab!

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And ayyubid artillery. This thing is a MLRS fire ballista that is VERY, VERY NASTY. We'll want to stay clear of these. Fortunately, the one closest to us is in range of our trebuchets :smug:

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Soon after starting, three regiments of seljuk cavalry spawn in the south. This I didn't expect.

GET A MOVE ON, RETARDS, PROTECT THE SIEGE ENGINES

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Foot knights and cavalry get the brunt of the charge, since they were the closest. The knights take heavy losses but protecting the trebuchets is imperative.

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Other dudes arrive soon, so the cavalry and knights may withdraw.

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Meanwhile the catapults keep shootin'. Turk camel riders are soon out of the equation.

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This, my friends, is what I call successful sieging.

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The walls are down, we can get the archers in to massacre the light infantry.

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It would be very wise to shoot down as many of the stationary turks before we capture the victory point and they decide to assemble and bumrush us.

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... unfortunately, pathfinding being what it is, one of the retarded archer regiments went through the square and did, in fact, cap it.

ho boy

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Image.ashx


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Note the jihadis with the sparkly banners. Those are regiments with special items - we really want to keal these and loot their stuff.

... but why are they all going east...?

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:lol:

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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Pictured: why arabs don't win wars.

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While the bulk of the muslim force decides to suicide against our siege engines, our archers take the opportunity and massacre the few regiments reasonable enough to approach our units.

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Soon the heathens realise the error of their ways and more or less turn away from the catapult killing field.

Time to earn yer pay, boyz.

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Our infantry prepares against the enemy infantry. Meanwhile cavalry takes a side street to trample the archers.

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It is, needless to say, super-effective.

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Clean up on aisle one!

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That's the last of them.

Why aren't we victorious yet?

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... oh right

A rocket ballista in the middle of a number of bastions :rage:

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The cavalry got extremely battered while chasing the archers, so we're gonna need some master baiters to lure away the fire while it goes in to do the chopping.

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9 cavalrymen left at the end of the day, that was close :shredder:

And then we are VICTORIOUS!

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Fiat pax in virtute tua et abundantia in turribus tuis :whiteknight:

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Back to the world map we go. Many new things are up!

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Come on, goy, it's free money
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Ruh-roh

But before we inspect these events, let us inspect our troops.

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Restoring casualties nearly costs as much as we got for the victory...

Also, we can now recruit crusader elite - these are heavy cavalry knights, very tough and very useful against almost everything.

Now if only they weren't so expensive (14175) :rage:

Also, some level ups

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Richard still mostly has shit skills available, so I increased overwhelming charge for him.

It also deserves mentioning that, despite what the fucking Templars claimed, we got no relic for helping them in Jerusalem. They must have Acquired (tm)(c)(r) it before us :argh:

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Bowmen are now lvl 3 and get to choose between Fleet-footed

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Surprise shots

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Woodlander.

All of them are kind of shit tbh, but I took surprise shots.

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Same goes for food knights. Ambush

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Enthusiasm

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Haste.

Took haste for them emergency hasty hastings.

A bunch of new provinces have unlocked for conquest.

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Damascus is very obviously above our pay grade for the moment.

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There are also 2 politicool events available.

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These are mostly just this: press a button and get the listed rewards. Although sometimes they have costs associated with them too or may lead to battle.

In this one, we get to pick who'll be the new king of Jerusalem. Well, WHO SHALL IT BE?

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Also, just as importantly, we get to decide who's gonna protect Cyprus.

Dat -5000 geld :negative: And dat +12000 geld with two reputation hits :negative:


Finally, from the four currently available mishuns, I think Sinai is a nice one that should be just about right for us at this moment.

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Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn

We get to choose from 2 battle plans.

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The sly Germans suggest building catapults and dropping boulders on the saracens. Assets for this mission are Extortion (intimidate the leader of an enemy unit and force it to flee) and Stonemasons (+50% hp of our buildings).

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The sneaky Templars think an ambush against the incoming arabs is a better idea. Assets include Extortion and Bribe (one enemy unit will join us for the mission).


So... How do we proceed, oh codex?
- Whose plan do we take in Sinai?
- Who'll get to rule Jerusalem?
- What about Cyprus?

The tyranny of choice rears its ugly head
7aEeHR.jpg
 

ore clover

Learned
Joined
Mar 25, 2017
Messages
171
Lol at the HRE and papacy choosing the kingcomrade option in their polls. :lol:

I also say go with the germans. Why put your soldiers in danger with a mano-a-mano ambush when you can crush the enemy with MULTIPLE SIMULTANEOUS DEVASTATING DEFENSIVE DEEP STRIKES!

:imperialscum:
 

Jaedar

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Aug 5, 2009
Messages
9,838
Project: Eternity Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 Pathfinder: Kingmaker
Does this game track negative rep? Can we take the -12k gold with none or reduced rep reductions?

Seems nice to get a french capitan.
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
1,878,405
Location
Djibouti
Does this game track negative rep? Can we take the -12k gold with none or reduced rep reductions?

Nope, no negative rep.

BUT we are currently at 1 papal/1 templar rep, soooooooooo.
 

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