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Completed Let's Play Crusader Kings Deus Vult (God wills it!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Ivar the Boner, May 20, 2013.

  1. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
    Joined:
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    Poland
    Update 35 Zygmunt Piast - Zygmunt Augustus Russanicus Cumanicus Maximus. Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast - That's his title now.

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    Song about how fucking awesome poles are at fighting mongols and ruthenians. And it have lyrics fragment that says "O muzo kartoflana" ("Oh, potato muse") so poland=potato is not something Codex came up with. There is also fragment about mine fields but whatever (it's about 17 century war).

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    Ok, this is ridiculous. Golden Horde is dead (again) and Ill-Khanate is down to 3 provinces so we can't expect them to be any threat to us. I decided that we will keep expanding until we cant expand no more. Only question is, expand where? There are still pagan cumans in the east so it seems like best direction, so we will expand there. I also won't hestitate to fight western catholics if we get some claims on them.

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    Commonwealth must grow, we shall declare war on Tribe of Azov and take their land!

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    First let's bring some troops there.I keep forgeting that in CK1 you can declare war while you have your troops raised (you can't do that in CK2).

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    Now we declare war on vassal of Azov.

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    Battle begins and our son is born. If your son is born during battle he will become great warrior in the future, that's rule I just made up.

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    Forces of Pronsk are beaten and we siege their shit. Also, in true Commonwealth fashion, we are not paying our troops at all. Hopefully our army won't disband because of this.

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    We finished the siege and now we have to deal with Azov.

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    Our army if victorious again (even though it's not getting paid at all)

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    We forced high-chief od Azov to give Kolomna to our sister (she conquered it, brave little thing) and pay us tribute. Then we granted Prońsk to some Małowuj guy who is disloyal as fuck but it's nothing money can't change.

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    There are still some pagans left. LET'S KILL THEM

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    Zygmunt Augustus Cumanicus, Russanicus Maximus, Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast engaged chief of Torzhok (and we killed the bastard in battle!)

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    Then we granted Torzhok to count of Pskov.

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    Now our reputation is terrible but Zygmunt Augustus Cumanicus, Russanicus Maximus, Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast run out of fucks to give.

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    Our marshall murdered someone and we had to banish him.

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    And then count of Livs declared war on Sweden. Well, we have to defend him because our goal is to gain vassals not to lose them.

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    Crap, Pope forced us to sign peace with worst scandinavians (we couldn't refuse, just look at Zygmunt's piety). But Livs is still at war with Sweden (we have claims on Livs so Swedes better not fucking take it).

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    Let's vent our frustration on some russians.

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    Are you fucking kidding me?! How the hell 1 thousand guys captured us when we were leading fucking 12 thousands men? We had to pay 5000 tribute.

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    But we conquered Vyazma and gave it to count of Smoleńsk.

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    Now our reputation is even worse but it doesn't matter, POTATO MUST GROW.
     
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  2. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 36 Zygmunt Piast - Zygmunt Augustus Russanicus Cumanicus Maximus. Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast - Mongols are back.

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    We still have some around.

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    Let's bring our troops to Finalnd (Without a king this time)

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    Cuman chief have only one province and no allies so this will be very quick.

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    We gave Viborg to count of Tevasts. We need one more county to create Duchy of Novgorod, unfrotunately we will have to grab claims of Novogrod itself because it in hands ofchristians (Orthodox but still christians). This will cost us 600 prestige and some reputation so we can't do this just yet.

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    Whoaa, when the fuck did that happend? Golden Horde is all kinds of back!

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    Ok, this was part of Wallachia before, wallachians probably got bitchslapped by mongols. We can declare war on this chiefdom without any claims since they are pagans.

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    Chief of Azov decided to defend his vassal.

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    We granted our marshall Piskla county and duchy of Novgorod-Seversky.

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    And now we are even bigger, meaner, scarrier and more prone to implode spectacularly than ever!

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    Like I give a fuck.

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    We have new steward - 17 years old chick with 18 stewardship. Also, Duke of chernigov declared independence and we had to put him back in line. And this is going to be very short update because I deleted half of my screenshots by mistake and thing I want to do now is worthy of starting new update (Yup, I'm going to attack Golden Horde).
     
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  3. Storyfag Arcane

    Storyfag
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    :yeah:
     
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  4. Kashmir Slippers Augur

    Kashmir Slippers
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  5. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 37 Zygmunt Piast - Zygmunt Augustus Russanicus Maximus, Cumanicus Maximus, Mongolicus Maximus. Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast - In medieval europe Mongols get invaded by you..

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    We outnumber them mongols but Golden Hord plays by slightly different rules. They got free troops every month so numbers soon may change...

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    It is time for our greatest war, war that change fate of europe. Wańko! order grand mobilization!

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    We have huge reserves of potatoes so our army will be well fed (it won't be paid though, because we are cheap).

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    Most of our vasalls agreed to mobilize.

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    We are in position and ready to strike.

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    I ordered first strike force, 35 thousands men (led by guy with martial skill of 3) to attack.

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    First glorious victories. Also, every province we take from mongols becomes ours, I didn't know that and that's really bad (our efficency will be terrible).

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    We are flooding through their borders like a river!

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    Crap, mongrels finally brought their army here and Piskla is fighting 36 thousands mongols (and he leads only 2 thousand men).

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    Help arrived and we drove them back to mongolland.

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    Ok, I think it's time to peace them out.

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    They don't want peace, we have to keep fighting.

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    Do we have to conquer fucking Karakorum to force those cunts to sign peace?

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    Ok, they didn't want to sign peace at all and we were forced to completely destroy them. Now we are so big that we can't fit on one screenshot.

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    I made my daughter Sweet Little Countess of Mongolplaces. I want duke title for her so we are going to beat the crap of someone to get it.

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    Those guys gon get raped.

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    Sweet Little Duchess of Sarkel.

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    Now we have 14 dukes as vasalls and we rule ze world! (but we have horrible reputation).
     
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  6. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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  7. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Well, if people would be intersted in that, then why not? But I must warn you that I'm really bad at EU2.
     
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  8. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Bumpcjusz Bumpski

    Oh, and I wanted to finish Heimdall and start Myth 2 LP when I'm done with CK1.
     
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  9. Krivol Liturgist

    Krivol
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    Well known polish inventor of bumpers...

    :salute: GJ with Tatars! And song about Skrzetuski is GREAT!
     
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  10. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 38 Zygmunt Piast - Zygmunt Augustus Russanicus Maximus, Cumanicus Maximus, Mongolicus Maximus. Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum Imperator Piast - Fall of Potato.

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    We are super-power but our horrible reputation stops us from expanding further. We will have to try to lose some of our "badboy" because our vassals hates us and having "very bad reputation" (-6.3 monthly loyalty) is not helping at all.

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    Somebody spreads rumors about us and we gained trait 'coward'. I actually like this trait a lot (-1 martial +1 intrigue) so I ain't even mad.

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    We are loosing a lot of money because we must keep bribing our vasalls. I will have to decide which I really want to keep because sending gift it's not only expensive, it's also annoying as hell.

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    Burgundy imploded. We soon shall do the same, It's too expensive to keep this huge empire together and I decided to stop bribing my vassals.

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    Turov can go, I would like Pripet to be our natural eastern border.

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    Our daughter died, we will give her titles to our mother.

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    Then we took 800 gold of tribute from Turov and let it go.

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    Now Kuyavia want's to go free, but it won't. I'm not allright with Kuyavia being independent.

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    WAIT FOR YOUR FUCKING TURN!

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    Et tu, brute?

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    You can go, ALL OF YOU GET THE FUCK OUT! Duke of Pommerania offered peace, giving us all his titles (we didn't even send our soldiers to fight him) :lol:

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    We took more jewgold from guys who wanted to be independent and then we made dead guy a bishop of Wolgast. He is very loyal to us.

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    This is how we look now, It's not that bad but we still have many disloyal vasalls.

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    Duke of Samogitia rebelled, took one of my counties and now he demands all our gold as a tribute :lol:

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    Ok, that's enough for now I think, we are rich again and we can afford to bribe vassals we want to keep (Basically only "de jure" parts of Poland and Lithuania).

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    Our son matured. Well, he's horrible and completely inadequate to rule... we have to kill him.

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    Flawless victory, Imram is dead and nobody knows we had anything to do with it!

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    Now our second son is our heir.

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    Even though Galich is part of kingdom of Rus not Poland or Lithuania we can't let him go because it would cut off Kiev from rest of our land.

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    Vyazma, on the other hand, can go.

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    Maybe somone will unify this clusterfuck east of us and it will make game more interesting. Not very likely though, he would need Kingdom to deal with dukes and Kingdom of Rus title is a bitch to get.
     
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  11. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Ok guys, I need your suggestions. I don't have any idea what to do next, we formed Lithuania then we made ourselves double king thanks to claim on kingdom of Poland. We even created quite an empire but then it became obvious we will not be able to hold it together. So, are you bored with it already or do you have any suggestions what should we do now?

    Conquering large chunks of land is doable (we still have huge army) but, as you saw in last update, another Potato empire will go to hell as soon as we stop bribing our vassals (and that's very expensive thing to do).
     
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  12. Imperator Scholar

    Imperator
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    Hungary
    Conquer Hungary after your kindom stabilized.
     
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  13. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    I gained crazy amount of prestige for "winning" wars with our former allies so I think it could be doable. Grabbing claim on kingdom of Poland was worth 3500 prestige when I checked so Hungary should "cost" similar amount of prestige. So we could try to make Zygmunt triple-king... and take our fucking crown back :troll:*

    * Crown Hungary received from Pope was originally intended for Poles but Pope needed stronger allies than Poland and decided to give this crown to Hungarians.
     
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  14. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Ok, I checked and we can do it, but just barely. Claim on Hungary costs 3775 prestige... I also checked Bohemia and it costs only 88 prestige but Bohemia kinda moved to Iberia so Hungary it is.
     
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  15. Absalom Guest

    Absalom
    I was out for like 3 days and suddenly there's like 30 updates lol. Unite Rus then release it on one of your dynasty
     
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  16. Krivol Liturgist

    Krivol
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    Well, in EU2 you could plunder enemies lands. If that's possible stabilize your country and rape your neighbours. And conquer Irelnad :P .
     
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  17. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    I tried but Kingdom of Rus have 51 provinces and even at height of our blobiness we didn't have enough counties to create it (and we would have to grab titles to gain more since russian are christians, our reputation don't allow us to do it). I will try to "conquer" Hungary, which means grabbing claim and defeating king, his vasalls should become mine after we win.

    Well, you can "pillage" counties after you finish siege but that's not really worth it, it gives you some gold but lowers your piety, and piety is much harder to get than gold.
     
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  18. Absalom Guest

    Absalom
    You can't just snatch them up since they're Orthodox? Or am I thinking of CKII. Well Hungary is good too, tho I'd recommend releasing it on a family member so you don't have to deal with the revolts.
     
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  19. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    I would prefer letting Hungary revolt but keep my title. We basically could become Louise of Hungary, collecting king titles left and right, not necessary having any power over "de jure" vasalls. In CK it's possible to be king of Hungary without having any land or vassals there, since even if someone would "usurp" our title he still have to beat us in war to get it (and good luck with that).
     
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  20. Absalom Guest

    Absalom
    Lol that would work too. I was in a similar situation when I held all of Italy but that bastard the HRE held the title; and lord knows I wasn't going to get into a war for that.
     
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  21. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    :excellent:

    U NO POTATO? Polish rap battle.
     
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  22. Krivol Liturgist

    Krivol
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    :lol:
     
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  23. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 38 Zygmunt Piast - Zygmunt Augustus Russanicus Maximus, Cumanicus Maximus, Mongolicus Maximus Regnus Potatorum-Lithuanorum-Magyarorum Imperator Piast - The end.

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    We are going to "conquer" hungary by grabbing claim on kingdom title and defeating Hungarian king in war. This is last thing we are going to do because to be honest I'm burned out and I don't think there is much else for us to do.

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    That costed us almost all our prestige but grabbing claim on kingdom should be expensive as balls.

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    Now order grand mobilization.

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    150K polish soldiers is ready to kick ass and take names (and misspronounce them, Hungarian langague is extremely hard).

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    Now we have to formally declare war. We might want to conquer Hungary but Hungarians are eternal bros of Potato and this is fucking conquest full of mutual respect... and potato.

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    Now we order first wave to attack going through neutral territory and probably breaking few international laws.

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    First battles and first victories.

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    And now we start slow and painful process of conquering Hungary.

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    Our king got his teeth knocked out, well that's what you got for leading armies.

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    We finally did it, we are king of Lithuania, Poland and Hungary. But few vasalls declared independence during this war and now we have realm duress.

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    This is how Commonwealth looks like now and how we are going to remember it because there is nothing for us to do now and this LP is officialy over. Good night sweet Commonwealth, you were beautiful dream but completely unrealistic.
     
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  24. Kashmir Slippers Augur

    Kashmir Slippers
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    Here, obviously
    : x : x : x
     
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  25. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Thanks everybody for watching, commenting and bro-fisting. I'm sorry that I technically did not finished this game (we still had 200 years of gameplay) but I think we did enough in this LP and it's time to take a short rest and then move to Myth 2. I was actually planning to continue this potato-schtick and play RTW: Invasio Barbarorvm Flagellvm Dei as slavs (complete suicde) but download link for Invasio Barbarorvm are down.
     
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