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Completed Let's Play Europa Barbarorum (Arche Seleukeia)

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I got this game with the steam sale and managed to add on the mod. I tried a game with Hayasdan which seemed at first to go well, I kept up the alliance and trade with the Seleukids as I attempted to expand into the Caucasus. Then, as the Seleukids were fragmenting on most of their fronts, they determined that landing a doomstack in the capital of their only remaining ally was more of a priority than not losing persia. The other times I've tried have gone about as poorly.

While I'm sure that the Seleukid Empire gets loads more cash than a podunk mountain kingdom satrapy, now I find it much more impressive that as everyone in the world attacked you you've managed to conquer so much and balance your accounts with a minimum of sudden elephant rape. :bro:

I thought that Arche Seleukeia campaign will be much harder because they disappear so quickly when you play as someone else. Fact that we can recruit our faction units pretty much everywhere saved me because phalanx army in hand of a player will never be beaten by AI unless outnumbered more than 3 to 1 or outclassed (which is not very likely since AI likes to create trash armies).
 
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Update 30 - Conquest of Arabia (Even though we were doing everything but conquering arabia in last three updates)

UO0001.jpg


Pella is under siege again and we have to sally forth.

UO0002.jpg


Ok, AI just left the field as soon as we went throught the gates. I don't know why AI does that but only thing they achieve by doing it is wasting player time. I know that CA can't code AI to save their lifes but there is option to fall back before the battle starts, it would be nice if AI would use it.

UO0003.jpg


I decided to "build" grant of land in Byzantion which is crazy expensive (5000) and gives meager +5 happiness but we need all the happiness we can get here.

UO0004.jpg


We hired some merc to defend Pella until we build some MIC here. Trying to expand into europe was very stupid idea but what's done is done and we can't turn back now.

UO0005.jpg


It's not this elephants stack so we should be able to defend this city.

UO0006.jpg


UO0008.jpg


Well, we did it but barely. Baktrian "late general bodyguards" are absolutely brutal but I don't mind it since Baktria have really shitty position so they need all the help they can get.

UO0007.jpg


Those guys. Fucking Daedras with 39 defence.

UO0009.jpg


Oh crap, that's bad. Sarpedon was really awesome general and his death left our Baktrian Removal Army without any leadership.

UO0010.jpg


Good news! Byzantion calmed down and we may be able to hold it.

UO0012.jpg


Fucking Koinon Hellenon is back. And they have some spartans, fortunately EB team are not fanboys of SPARTUNS and spartan hoplitai are like other hoplitais, they die when you stab them (there was much butthurt on forums when it turned out that spartans are not superhumans in this mod).

UO0013.jpg


They are your standard elite unit, nothing to write home about.

UO0014.jpg


I was fucking doing some crazy shit with brining fleet (it got sunk) from Antiocheia here to reach Lesbos. But you can just go there on foot...

UO0015.jpg


Goddamit, if I only knew sooner...

UO0017.jpg


Unfortunately one of their general managed to escape and we will have to siege Mytilene to counqer Lesbos and destroy Makedonians.

UO0001.jpg


UO0002.jpg


Elephants are gone so I moved our Kataphraktoi to center so they can react to TERRORISTS AGGRESION quicker.

UO0003.jpg


UO0004.jpg


Chaaarge WOLOLOLOLO!

UO0005.jpg


On second tought let's not charge that...

UO0006.jpg


They all walked very slowly into our wall of pikes.

UO0007.jpg


UO0008.jpg


Our cavalry got intercepted by one unit of arabian medium cavalry, I don't know what those guys were thinking attacking general with 2 units of cataphracts.

UO0009.jpg


And this was actually turban commander, and he died, oh he died verily.

UO0010.jpg


And now every sand niggers is running away and we just have to chase them down.

UO0011.jpg


Arabs lined in very orderly fashion, all nice and killed.

UO0012.jpg


UO0013.jpg


UO0014.jpg


We have build some siege towers and finally we can take Lesbos and be done with Makedonians.

UO0015.jpg


I autoresolved it before even on very hard autoresolve can't fuck up battle with 20 to 1 advantage.

UO0016.jpg


ENSLAVE.

UO0017.jpg


Nothing personal, we just need your shit to win campaign.

UO0018.jpg


Eiepros still holds southern Italy and most of sicily and romans just don't fucking care... very strange.

UO0001.jpg


Time to stab some SPARTUNS!

UO0002.jpg


Greeks didn't have general in this army so we were able to break them easily and this was quite fast (even SAPRTUNS! broke).

UO0003.jpg


Attacking almost full-stack army on a bridge is a fucking suicide, even if said army don't have general.

UO0004.jpg


That's our captain... jesus christ he looks strange.

UO0005.jpg


Baktrians have to go through this narrow bridge, this is impossible.

UO0006.jpg


It's double impossible because we have phalanx.

UO0007.jpg


UO0009.jpg


Baktrians are coming in two waves so I decided to send my Hypaspistai to kill some archers before second wave arrives.

UO0010.jpg


They are quite far away so we have some time.

UO0011.jpg


Storming fortresses, walls and generally doing stupid shit that no one else would do is what Hypaspistai are designed for.

UO0012.jpg


UO0013.jpg


Ok, rape train is coming and we have to GTFO.

UO0015.jpg


Well, rape train is just standing near the bridge and does nothing.

UO0018.jpg


Time ran out (I turned time limit back on) and we won this battle.

UO0021.jpg


ALMOST THERE!

UO0022.jpg


Army that tried to attack us on bridge retreated to Baktra and we are going to siege them there. If they didn't want to die like real men, they are going to fucking starve to death.
 
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Messages
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Update 31 - Conquest of Arabia (Island hopping and sea of sand)

UO0001.jpg


I think you saw enough battles with Sabyn for some time.

UO0002.jpg


Only difference was that I decided to hire Arabian Slingers and those guys proved to be pretty devastating. They killed 231 enemies and they have only 120 men in unit.

UO0003.jpg


Our loyal Satrap Timarchos have to defend his realm again.

UO0004.jpg


Fact that his bodyguards are horse archers is pretty nice, I actually think about hiring some horse archers here to deal with small enemy stacks.

UO0005.jpg


I don't even remember how many times we defended this city and our faction leader is running out of troops (and we don't even have a chance to recruit any mercenaries because we are at siege every turn).

UO0006.jpg


Timer run out and Greeks lost.

UO0007.jpg


Baktrians tries to lift the siege of Baktra, this stack don't have any general but it's Sarpedon's army and they are very experienced.

UO0010.jpg


Baktra garrison is main threat here and they are behind us, we have to run to this hill and turn around.

UO0011.jpg


They send some cav to annoy us but we are almost in our positions so we should be able to deal with them.

UO0013.jpg


UO0014.jpg


UO0018.jpg


They have more archers/skirmishers and try to us it to their advantage. We have to do this "charging phalanx" thingy.

UO0019.jpg


UO0020.jpg


Now we have to collapse our flank on them while our center keeps them in one place.

UO0021.jpg


UO0022.jpg


Rat trap, like in the old days of Ptolemaic wars.

UO0023.jpg


UO0024.jpg


Hypaspistai have spears as secondary weapon so I used ALT+RCLICK to make them to use them against Baktrian cav, even though I don't know if those spears help them fight cavalry (not every spearmen have bonuses against cav, those spears might be just for shits and giggles).

UO0025.jpg


And then we send our Prodromoi to harass Baktrian skirmishers.

UO0029.jpg


We killed both family members they had here and most of their army, I think Baktra should be ours.

UO0030.jpg


UO0031.jpg


Yes, it is. We are going to enslave the shit out of them for spawning this elephants stack.

UO0032.jpg


And Trapezous surrendered to our cheapo army so now we officialy hold whole asia minor and most of caucasus.

UO0001.jpg


Large Sauromatae presence in this region is scary but I don't think we can afford to just leave our army here to scare off nomads. We will leave garrison of 3 native phalangitai units and our cheapo army will go to hellas proper nad maybe save our faction leader ass.

UO0002.jpg


Saka Rauka is at war with Baktria but they stopped fighting since we destroyed Pahlava and are concentrating their efforts on me (HUMAN PLAYER DETECTED! EXTERMINATE!).

UO0003.jpg


We have one free army in anatolia, we could send it to greece and try to save our faction leader (and probably get another army stuck in endless siege in greece). But I decided to do something sensible this time and landed in Rhodos so Koinon Hellenon have two fronts now.

UO0004.jpg


Kalinikos and what is left of his army are all kinds of fucked, no point in trying to save him.

UO0005.jpg


After we are done with Rhodos we will conquer Krete because islands are awesome in this game, basically super-safe money makers.

UO0006.jpg


We are getting dangerously close to Sabyn cities and they are getting desperate.

UO0008.jpg


They are coming from two sides but we have enough phalangitai to cover our flank.

UO0009.jpg


UO0010.jpg


I hired another unit of Arabian Slingers because they are fucking awesome. Slingers are a bit OP in EB but AI don't spam them so EB team never "nerfed" them. EB is quite old mod (and EB team formed before RTW was even released, at first they wanted to "help" CA with proper representation of barbarian factions but CA told them to go fuck themselves) and went through a lot of changes but they are still some "quirks" here and there, slingers are one of them. But even slingers are just slightly OP it's nothing like Savaran from Invasio Barbarorum: Flagellum Dei that made Sassanids unbeatable and never were fixed.

UO0012.jpg


UO0013.jpg


Like pretty much always, I told my skirmishers to fall back too late, you can set them in "skirmish mode" but AI does even worse job at it than I do.

UO0014.jpg


First Sabyn army have no cavalry to speak of so our Cats are free to bring death and destruction behind enemy lines.

UO0016.jpg


First army is almost dead because enemy archers/skirmishers target our archers/skirmishers instead of phalanx and Sabyn infantry have absolutely no chance against phalangitai because they have layer of butter for armor.

UO0023.jpg


Now we have to turn around and deal with secound army (which have mostly cavalry and "heavy" infantry).

UO0024.jpg


UO0025.jpg


UO0026.jpg


Well, I'm laughing at Sabyn armor but our infantry is using Linothorax and thats fucking LINEN armor, how it could protect anyone from anything other than fart is beyond me. But people are sayind that Linothorax actually worked, so the fuck I know.

UO0027.jpg


Thorakitai Argyraspides have chainmails tough. Chainmails are "Eric Clapton" armour, they offer best results with minimal BLING!.

UO0029.jpg


Muscled Armours of Hypaspistai are "Slash" armour, chicks love it but real men know it's all about BLING, not results.

UO0030.jpg


Ok... After this highly insightful armory review we can finish crushing sand niggers.

UO0031.jpg


No point in trying to chase them, our Cats are exhausted.

UO0032.jpg


Slingers killed 200 dudes each again, and they have only 120 guys in unit.

UO0002.jpg


Kalinikos, you better pull off some crazy shit or you are dead.

UO0003.jpg


Ha, fak u papirus u suck. Well, they didn't have general so combination of phalangitai in narrows street and constant storm of fire arrows proved enough to break them.

UO0004.jpg


UO0005.jpg


And Pella is no longer under siege and we can recruit some mercenaries.

UO0006.jpg


Also, we finally reached Sabyn cities after eternity of crossing desert. Now they will know how stupid they were starting this war.
 
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Storming fortresses, walls and generally doing stupid shit that no one else would do is what Hypaspistai are designed for.
Which is pretty historically accurate. And what's even more funny, is that there are successors to those units in the byzantine and even 19th-20th century greek army. (aka storming mountain fortifications with bayonet and knife and not with artillery and developing superior firepower like any sane person would do)

Fucking love those dudes.
 
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Update 32 - Conquest of Arabia (Ancient vikings)

UO0001.jpg


Rhodos is not as cool as Lesbos but we also need it. Let's not waste time starving it, attack ze walls!

UO0002.jpg


UO0003.jpg


They are relatively happy but we are not taking any chances. ENSLAVE!

UO0004.jpg


Remember this "Babylonian Police Force" I was talking about five milion updates ago? (when Charax got conquered by rebels) well, I decided it's finally time to form it. We have some Babylonian Heavy Spearmen but they look way to cool to be line infantry so we will also need some shittier poor persian spearmen (Oh and I'm ignorant fuck so Babylonians=Persians for me).

UO0001.jpg


UO0002.jpg


We have only skirmishers here as a garrison and Saka brought some really heavy cavalry so I'm not looking forward to this battle.

UO0003.jpg


Ha, their only ram got burned.

UO0004.jpg


Close Victory my ass, it was glorious!

UO0006.jpg


In theory we are still at peace (and trading) with Sauromatae but I don't think that this stack just dropped by to say hello.

UO0001.jpg


We have a chance to recruit some Gaesatae mercenaries. They are Gaulish "berserkers" who are high on drugs and fight naked. They are also expensive as balls but they are great and will gives us a chance to se some pixelated DICKS so, full bag of them please.

UO0002.jpg


Sabyn are finally trying to lift the siege and give us chance to kill their another army and maybe take the city.

UO0003.jpg


UO0005.jpg


There is lots of them but I think we should be fine as long as we keep our flanks secure.

UO0006.jpg


They are going at our center so I will send Hypaspistai to get some easy kill while our phalanx keep Sabyn infantry in one place.

UO0007.jpg


UO0009.jpg


UO0010.jpg


Then most of Arabian cavalry, skirmishers and general bodyguards charged our weakend (due to lack of Hypaspistai) left flank.

UO0014.jpg


We told our Hypaspistai to go help left flank and then our cavalry started butt-charging procedure.

UO0016.jpg


Well... they are holding the line but I don't know for how long they can do it.

UO0017.jpg


Center is secure so we can start sending troops to clusterfuck in the left.

UO0019.jpg


UO0024.jpg


Sabyn general died during Kataphraktoi charge, generals have shitton of hitpoints so it's very rare thing to insta-kill them with a charge, but I don't mind man.

exter.JPG


Cleanse, Purge, KILL!

UO0025.jpg


Dead general = mass rout.

UO0026.jpg


UO0027.jpg


Left flank was a fucking slaughterhouse.

UO0028.jpg


UO0001.jpg


UO0002.jpg


Greeks just put their army outside our walls and did absolutely nothing. Timer run out and we "won".

UO0003.jpg


Our cheapo marines landed in Crete and we siege Kydonia (No, not this one from Ufo: Enemy Unknown).

UO0004.jpg


UO0005.jpg


Go away.

UO0006.jpg


And don't come back.

UO0007.jpg


Ok, this time we actually can get this city.

UO0009.jpg


sandtrooper_corporal.jpg


Those are Arabs we were looking for.

UO0011.jpg


UO0013.jpg


ENSLAVE.

UO0015.jpg


Ok, it tought it might be like that. We have full stack in this city and population is still only at 15% loyalty, we won't be able to keep it. So we start plan B: we loot the shit out of this city destroying every building and then we move on.

UO0016.jpg


We gained shitton of shekels for looting it (We even destroyed "special bulding" here - Mecca ohohoho) and we can go loot another city putting Sabyn back in stone age. That's what you get for messing with Seleukeia!
 

Storyfag

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I'm not sure abandoning the city was a good idea. Of course there is a chance that the turbanheads will reclaim it. However there is also a chance that the city will rebel, producing a glorious doomstack right behind you. Jove knows the Mauretanian cities did that to me more often than not.
 
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I'm not sure abandoning the city was a good idea. Of course there is a chance that the turbanheads will reclaim it. However there is also a chance that the city will rebel, producing a glorious doomstack right behind you. Jove knows the Mauretanian cities did that to me more often than not.

I know, but there was no chance we could keep it. Keeping our army there would got our soldiers killed during "revolts" and then we would get kicked out by rebellion anyway. I decided to conquer and loot remaining Sabyn cities to fuel our war in europe (east can wait for now because I think we have quite secure border there).
 
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I'm not sure abandoning the city was a good idea. Of course there is a chance that the turbanheads will reclaim it. However there is also a chance that the city will rebel, producing a glorious doomstack right behind you. Jove knows the Mauretanian cities did that to me more often than not.

Actually, what the hell were you doing in Mauretania as Romans? did you steamroll Carthage? :hero:
 

Dayyālu

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Which is pretty historically accurate. And what's even more funny, is that there are successors to those units in the byzantine and even 19th-20th century greek army. (aka storming mountain fortifications with bayonet and knife and not with artillery and developing superior firepower like any sane person would do)

Truly? That's interesting. I do not remember any specialized Heavy Infantry Assault Unit of common use in the ERE - but my knowledge stops around the middle Byzantine period-, and maybe some Tagmata unit could fit the role.
The Modern Greeks used something like that? I always thought the concept of 'shock troops' came into being in WWI, with the German Stormtroopers of the subhuman 'Arditi' of the Italians. Any extra info on the Greek equivalents? I'm no expert in modern/contemporary military history and the Net is unhelpful.

Exterminating cities is a good way to keep them in line. As Romani, I had huge problems keeping the Iberians 'happy'.
After a neverending series of revolts, barely 10'000 Iberians were left alive.

Using a lot of governors it's a great way to keep them stable- a big empire quickly produces lots of potential governors. Select a family or two for military matters and keep the rest as governors. Be careful: having too much money it's bad, because for some reason "LOTS OF MONEY= BAD TRAITS".Usually EB is quite good with traits - almost Crudaderking-like. In my Romani playthrough, the ruling Ptolemies were all Hellenized Jews. Hilarious.
 
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Update 33 - Storm Over Europe (Rock out with your cock out).

UO0001.jpg


Sabyn are not interested in reclaiming Carna so we will just siege their capital and then loot it.

UO0002.jpg


You have empty city there you fools, go retake it before it spawns doomstack.

UO0004.jpg


"Heroic" victory but our Kataphraktoi got almost annihilated by Arabian medium cavalry.

UO0005.jpg


UO0006.jpg


UO0007.jpg


And now we have Crete which should make us good money thanks to creating trade rout between anatolia and egypt.

UO0008.jpg


Ok, Carna rebelled and spawned proper "rebellion stack", it spawned crapton of "freed slaves" who are shit units and that's how rebellions should look like. They attacked us and we are going to retreat because I don't feel like fighting with two armies at once (THERE WAS NO "SKULL" SIGN NEAR OUR GENERAL PORTRAIT - why I said that will be obvious in a while).

UO0009.jpg


UO0010.jpg


Greeks decided to just stand near our walls doing nothing so I hauled my ass out of the city and killed their two family members (and lost some men in the process).

UO0011.jpg


Oook, our army is "gone" and general died because... because. I don't know why, there was no skull sign near our general portrait or any indication that we are going to lose this army if we retreat. Whatever game, I ain't even mad.

Ok, did some internet research - Sometimes you can't retreat because you are surrounded. Thing is that game don't inform you when it happens and still gives you option to retreat (but then it destroys your army). It's an iron man LP so no TAKE BACKSIES! this army is gone, desert took them.

UO0012.jpg


You know what could make sense? making naval invasion in southern greece to create second front for Koinon Hellenon, for example. But Seleukeia don't give a fuck about sense, Seleukeia just march it's armies in random places and wait for something AWESOME to happen. So we ninja'd one army around Pella and besieged Demetrias.

UO0013.jpg


And dem Athenians a liek, "oh no, you didn't!".

UO0014.jpg


This is, what I would call - "Proper army with a surprise". Proper because it have decent Klereouchoi Phalangitai as a main infantry line...

UO0015.jpg


Proper because we have some non-phalanx units hidden here and there...

UO0016.jpg


And "with a surprise" because some of our hidden units have their cocks out. Nobody would expect that.

UO0017.jpg


Athenians (I will call them Athenians because Koinon Hellenon is quite a mouthfull) have one small army behind us but we are prepared.

UO0018.jpg


We moved two phalangitai units to our rear and poking commenced.

UO0019.jpg


And some butt-charging.

UO0020.jpg


Meanwhile their main army is getting near our phalanx.

UO0022.jpg


It's time to unleash our surprise.

UO0023.jpg


rape.JPG


YOU GONNA GET RAPED

UO0024.jpg


They all routed and I can't fucking blame them.

UO0029.jpg


Only Athenian general behind us is not fleeing but we shall change it by another cavalry butt-charge.

UO0030.jpg


UO0031.jpg


Grorious.

UO0001.jpg


That's unexpected, they stopped siege of Pella to save Demetrias.

UO0002.jpg


Simillar place, same tactic. Our phalanx line is shorter but they will have shit poping out from forest at them all the time.

UO0003.jpg


UO0004.jpg


Greek Medium cav stumbled upon our naked dudes in the forest.

UO0005.jpg


Naked dudes will be all kinds of fine so we can concentrate on ruining their flanking maneuver on our right.

UO0006.jpg


UO0007.jpg


And then they attacked our center. Our phalanx formation is very deep so they have absolutely no chance to break it.

UO0008.jpg


And every unit they send to flank us is getting raped by naked gauls.

UO0010.jpg


We squiezed our cavalry through their left flank and now we are free to destroy Athenian skirmishers and butt-charge their infantry fighting in the center.

UO0014.jpg


I decided to send our cavalry to kill enemy scorpion crew because they are sniping our gauls.

UO0015.jpg


SPARTUNS! send naked gauls at them!

UO0016.jpg


"Intimidated by nearby enemy" well, no fucking wonder.

UO0018.jpg


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We crushed their morale with combination of butt-charging and dongcoptering. I ordered general charge and dem Athenians be fleeing.

UO0020.jpg


Gangrape of last remaning spartan.

UO0021.jpg


Grorious victoly.

UO0022.jpg


UO0023.jpg


UO0024.jpg


ENSLAVE.

UO0025.jpg


... Wat?
 

Storyfag

Perfidious Pole
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I'm not sure abandoning the city was a good idea. Of course there is a chance that the turbanheads will reclaim it. However there is also a chance that the city will rebel, producing a glorious doomstack right behind you. Jove knows the Mauretanian cities did that to me more often than not.

Actually, what the hell were you doing in Mauretania as Romans? did you steamroll Carthage? :hero:

Of course I did. And Epeiros. And Lousitana. And Koinon Helleinon. And Makedonia. And Pontos. The Seleukoi got steamrolled by Palhava and Baktria, sadly. Now I am nearing the time of Pompey's sacking of Hierosolyma, and may Jove help the Ptolemaioi who hold it!
Fun times, of course, will come in 20 years. Gaul will have to be conquered. And at *that* point I will start diverging from the real world timeline. I shall LARP Caesar's survival and continued rule :salute:
 
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Which is pretty historically accurate. And what's even more funny, is that there are successors to those units in the byzantine and even 19th-20th century greek army. (aka storming mountain fortifications with bayonet and knife and not with artillery and developing superior firepower like any sane person would do)

Truly? That's interesting. I do not remember any specialized Heavy Infantry Assault Unit of common use in the ERE - but my knowledge stops around the middle Byzantine period-, and maybe some Tagmata unit could fit the role.
The Modern Greeks used something like that? I always thought the concept of 'shock troops' came into being in WWI, with the German Stormtroopers of the subhuman 'Arditi' of the Italians. Any extra info on the Greek equivalents? I'm no expert in modern/contemporary military history and the Net is unhelpful.

Exterminating cities is a good way to keep them in line. As Romani, I had huge problems keeping the Iberians 'happy'.
After a neverending series of revolts, barely 10'000 Iberians were left alive.

Using a lot of governors it's a great way to keep them stable- a big empire quickly produces lots of potential governors. Select a family or two for military matters and keep the rest as governors. Be careful: having too much money it's bad, because for some reason "LOTS OF MONEY= BAD TRAITS".Usually EB is quite good with traits - almost Crudaderking-like. In my Romani playthrough, the ruling Ptolemies were all Hellenized Jews. Hilarious.



The Excubitors, or their inheritors in the tagmata (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excubitors) were a mix of cavalry and infantry. They were crack troops compromised of byzantine natives that were used to storm enemy fortifications. And before that, during the Macedonian Dynasty, Basil II and his progenitors made several reforms, one of which was the creation of an assault unit that is referred to as the immortals in some chronicles. (could be related to the elite regiment that stormed Dorostolon and expelled the Rus from the Balkans) It followed Bardas during his rebellion then switched over to Basil II.

And in the modern greek army the Evzones were an elite unit mostly used in mountain warfare, but they along with a few other crack regiments were used as assault troops in several battles, such as http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Sarantaporo where they stormed extensive mountain fortifications with little artillery support (as the greek army barely had any) as well as in several battles during the greco-turkish war, where the supply situation was so bad from the get-go that a lot of the artillery pieces had to be abandoned. (not to mention that a lot of troops starved to death in the following months)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Sakarya According to John Milton (don't remember his source) Mount Chal was taken by veterans who engaged the enemy with bayonet and knives. Another fun fact is that the Evzones were always referred to as the Agema ton Evzonon (Agema of the Evzones). Agema originally meant 'group of soldiers' but in late antiquity it assumed the meaning of regiment/tagma of elite troops.
 
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Update 34 - Storm Over Europe

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Situation in europe is stable. Our faction leader is saved, we have one army in Demetrias and three more are coming. But unfortunately east is still being east. I said we have "secure border" here but this city is not part of this "secure border".

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Actually, you know what? they had only one ram and it got burned. Now they have only ladders and siege tower and their infantry sucks completely. We may be able to defend this city.

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Yeah, archers climbing ladders won't be able to overcome Baktrian Light Infantry.

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Saka have a lot of shiny cavalry here, but cavalry can't do jack shit until gates are open.

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And gates won't be open because their infantry got slaughtered and Saka have to bugger off.

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Our Persian Army is almost ready and we told them to conquer Phraaspa, then turn around and retake Charax.

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Meanwhile we are getting ready to land another army in Greece, preferably near Sparte.

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Armenians were calm for very long time but they started their sheneanigans again.

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Ok, their general bodyguards got reformed and are even more murderous than before.

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They completely fucked up our Argyraspides formation by charging it from the front, we had to send Hypaspistai to fill the gaps.

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But that was only hiccup during this, otherwise flawless, defence.

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I recruited small stack of horse archers to take back Nisa and deal with Saka raiding parties.

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Landing in southern greece was a crazy talk, greek fleet would destroy our ships before we would get anywhere close. We were forced to land near Chalkis.

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We installed "puppet king" in Demetrias and moved our army out. Hopefully greeks will attack us and our "marines" will be free to take Chalkis.

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Nope, I don't think so. It looks like saving Chalkis is priority for greeks.

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Finally we have chance to see if we wasted our money creating this persian army.

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Archers, slingers, Babylonian heavies and Parthian peasants with spears.

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And, of course, smurf cavalry.

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They did quite well, I don't think I would want to fight Epeiros or Koinon Hellenon with this army, but here, this army is good for what it is :troll:

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ENSLAVE. Also I noticed that only archers are persian in this "Persian Army" rest is Babylonian, Hellenic or Parthian. No matter, Quisqe Est Persianus Alio.

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Ok, Athenians finally catched our bait.

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Deja vu.

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Strategy of having short but deep phalanx line and covering our flanks with units hidden in forests works wonders.

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Units that stumbles upon our "traps" don't have time to prepare and their morale is also lowered by "enemies emerging from nowhere".

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One annoying thing is that since Koinon Hellenon gained acess to macedonian phalanx they keep spamming them, and their phalangitai are better than ours, for some reason.

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But we have terrain advantage so quality of phalangitai don't matter that much.

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Athenians abandoned plans of flanking us and send everything they got at our center. I ordered our naked dudes and thorakitai to charge downhill, they routed couple units even before they reached them.

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And now we shall butt-chrage their main infantry line, they don't have general here so they should easily break.

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Yup, it's over, now we just have to chase them down.

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They got completely fucked up.

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I didn't expect it to go that well. But that's what happens when AI attack you with a stack without general.

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They are fucked and I think they know it.

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Well, having general didn't help them much.

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Now let's take Chalkis. I will do this battle myself because this army is too imporant and I don't trust auto-resolve.

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ENSLAVE. And then we will install some puppet king here to keep Chalkis loyal. Everything was fine and well, and then...



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By Seleucus! Elephants stack!

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How the fuck are we supposed to stop them?

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Bastards don't need siege equipment, elephants can destroy wooden walls.

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WALLS ARE DOWN!

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Where is Legolas when you need him?!

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COURAGE MEN!

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Don't let them go through!

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We are all going to die!

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LOOK! THERE! RIDERS OF ROHAN! OUR GENERAL'S CAVALRY!

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WHERE NOW THE HORSE AND THE RIDE... SHIEEEEET!

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Target their belly, that's their only weakness!

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Look ma! I'm flying!

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Keep stabbing, don't let them regain balance!

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We got them! did we won?

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... Nope.

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For Seleukeia!

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Awww crap.

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Our loyal satrap, smashed by elephants.

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Have at you!

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Bastards!
 
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
1,060
Location
Poland
Update 35 - Storm Over Europe

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Well, Baktrians conquered Khiva but our horse archers company is about to take back Nisa from rebels.

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Our eastern border look all pretty now, thing is we are going to lose one province to Saka Rauka because they decided to starve it after last failed attack. Doesn't matter, we should be finished in greece soon so we will be able to bring rape train here.

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We managed to ninja'd our army from crete fo southern greece. Next turn we shall besiege Sparte.

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Armenians try their luck again...

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Sarmatian foot archers are only thing they can recruit in their "new homeland" so I don't give them much chances in taking this city.

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Yup.

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And now it's time to take Athens.

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I will do this myself again.

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We lost quite a lot of gaulic naked dudes but we conquered Athens and Koinon Hellenon is down to two cities (and one is under siege).

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ENSLAVE.

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Remember when was the last time we attacked someone? I mean, last time our army actually attacked enemy? because I don't, we usually forced others to attack us. Let's change this trend a little and attack dem baktrians.

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Well, Baktrians had two armies here but they couldn't leave the field because one army already retreated this turn, so they got killed.

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We didn't get the city but we will take it next turn. Oh, and you might noticed that this army is led by captain and don't have general. Well, this is former Sarpedon's army, no one is fucking man enough to lead them. They will have general only if we get "man of the hour" event which will let us adopt on of them to our family, until then - they move for no man.

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Silly spartans decided to give us their city polis.

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ENSLAVE! and then install pupper king because we can't recruit our troops in hellas anyway. Dem greeks won't even know that someone conquered them, we bring you freedom you fools!

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Oh, half of Gaul is not enough for Roman upstars and they declared war on Free People Living in a Free State Aedui.

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I don't think that looting one city teached turbanheads anything, they will surely send another army at us so Basileus decided to form special army to deal with it - Seleukid Manipular Army. No phalangitai, only Thuerophoroi with some Thorakitai support (and standard archers/skirmishers thingy). It should be slightly cheaper than normal phalangitai army and way more fun.

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No, thanks. It takes too much time and it's completely not worth the effort.

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Ok, this might my the last battle of Koinon Hellenon.

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Aww yisss, "shore" battle... no trees, flat terrain, perfect!

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Oh and we have some Syrian Archers which we could recruit long ago but they were too expensive then (for an archers).

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Let's do some good old flanking.

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Or not, our Thueropheroi got charged by 5 horsemen screaming "FREEEDOM!".

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And more are coming so no flanking for us.

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I did some rearrangements in our phalanx line because of greek manauvers and we better use our cavalry before we form swastika.

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Greek left flank routed and we can prepare to destroy last army of Hellenic League.

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Goodnight sweet prince.

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Basileis of Arche Seleukeia as a loading screen. Nice thing is that our current faction leader (son of Theodoros/Antiochus II Theos) is actually called Kalinikos so we have historical leaders even though it's completely random after first generation.

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Zed's dead baby, but we didn't get Korinthos.

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Now we will take these two cities and we will be done with europe for now.

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Why not? They are at war with Romans so maybe this will provoke them to attack us or something.

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Attacking full army with only 800 guys is stupid fucking idea Epeirotes.

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Yeah, didn't worked out so great for them.

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Marakanda surrendered and I think that's as far east as we are going to expand until greece is pacified.

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You may wonder why it was "heroic" victory when we outnumbered them so much. Well, they mostly had Elite Phalangitai, I don't know why but epeiros tend to spam it's elite units.

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Ambrakia is ours. Now we only need Korinthos and we will have whole european part of Alexandros empire.
 
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
1,060
Location
Poland
Update 36 - By the Rivers of Babylon (Brotherhood of men Hellenic style).

We almost recreated Alexandros empire and fulfilled his dream - Brotherhood of Men.

Oh, this brotherhood of men means that people will accept our culture as theirs or they will be cleansed, purged and then killed.

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We tolerated independence of Charax for too long, it's time to crush rebellious army and then retake the city.

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Ok biatches, time to pay for your insolence.

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All them brown people look the same! similar uniforms make it hard to tell which troops are ours!

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But it doesn't matter, smurf cavalry will butt-charge everything with extreme prejudice.

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We are lucky that AI decided to put our babylonians on left flank, because that's where enemy phalangitai attacked.

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I don't know if klerouchoi phalangitai counts as "armoured unit" but I told babylonians to use their secondary, anti-armor, weapon anywyay.

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Blam!

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Mass rout. No point in chasing them, Eleuthroi armies disband after lost battle.

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We gon get you next turn, you bloody city snatching rebels!

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Goddamit Carthaginians are back.

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Fortunately we keep pretty big garrison in Kyrene. Also I'm tired of their attacks and I hired shaman to place a curse on Carthage. In 2000 years media of far away land will make nigger* out of their finest military mind, take that carthage!

*


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Sabyn seems to be in state of shock after our "invasion" and it doesn't look like they are planning to strike back now. I decided to use our "manipular army"* to destroy Armenia.

*Because of how RTW engine works, every army is manipular. I just call them that because they are non-phalanx.

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I will auto-resolve battle of Charax because it's not very important and we have 25:1 advantage.

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Fair enough.

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ENSLAVE


...The wicked
Carried us away in captivity
Required from us a song...


Sing fuckers, it's for greater good of Brotherhood of Men (tm).

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Emperor's Finest besgied Alexandreia Eschate because, even though it's a shithole, we need it and it holds baktrian full army. Siege will reduce their numbers and they will be forced to sally forth in 3 turns.

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Ok, we got ourselves surrounded here so no retreating, we have to fight.

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We are on a slope and between two epeirotes armies. We have to charge uphill and destroy smaller stack to take this hill.

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Butt-charging is our only hope because fuckers have mostly elite phalangitai here.

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We routed most of first stack so now we have to turn around and prepere to deal with main army.

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Our cavalry is running around like headless chickens because Epeirotes are actually fucking flanking us (First time in this damn campaign when AI is doing PROPER flanking).

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Tunnel vision kicked in, I told my cavalry to charge straight into some dudes and didn't noticed that Epeirotes have Thessalian cav in near.

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Thesallians were exhausted though so we manaeged to rout them and we had to immidiately run our cavalry to right flank because it's in deep shit.

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Our general is nowhere near as good as AI generals (and never will be, that's how EB works) so our units rout easily when flanked.

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Our cavalry is greatly reduced in numbers but is still able to do some serious damage (to morale, but that's all the damage we need).

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Finally, enemy general died. I ordered everyone to drop sarissa and just charge.

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Shieeet, if Epeiros general didn't decide to commit suicide we might had fucking problem here.

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ENSLAVE.

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Ok, thats "Armenia" now. Destroying Hayasdan is our victory condition but since they made new home in fucking Sarmatian steppes it might be tricky. I think our best bet not to get "rebellion doomstacks" here is take those cities and then give them to Sauromatae as a gifts (But there is no guarantee that Suromatae will accept them).

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Also Sraka Rauka is on the move again, and this time with quite big stack. Fortunately there is only one bridge leading to Baktra and we have small army standing on it.

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Shit, they went around us *maginotlinelevel facepalm*.

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Ok, only some small detatchment went around us. Main Saka army is trying to go through the bridge.

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Or not, they were just standing on their side. We shoot eachother a little and then timer run out.

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Time to deal with Baktrian army and conquer tiniest village on earth.

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And Baktrians are fucking nomads now.

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Man, that's enough battles for this turn.

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Celtic levies may be shit, but we have towers on our side.

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Dagnabbit, that's seriously enough battles!

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Then the game crashed and I'm too pissed off to redo all those battles now so that's it for this update.
 
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
1,060
Location
Poland
You really, really should save before every battle. Told ya how to do it in the enemy turn. Learned it the same hard way you're learning it now :P

Yeah, I really didn't want to save and reload during enemy turn because I was afraid it might screw EB campaign script, but after redoing 4 battles and then one battle 2 times I decided to risk it next time.
 

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