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Completed Let's Play Europa Barbarorum (Sweboz)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Ivar the Boner, Jun 26, 2013.

  1. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Arche Seleukeia campaign is over (we won, true story) but I still crave for some EB goodness so we shall start another LP, this time as unwashed barbarians Noble Savages on VH campaign and H battles




    Wes thu hailaz, Frawjon!

    Hwat! We, erloz (earls) and karloz (freemen) of the Swêboz have raised you upon the shield to be both the Druhtinaz (King) of the tribes and the Harjanaz (General) of the troops in this time of greatest need. Your noble birth traces a path of lineage to the old gods, and the elders of our people expect leadership equal to your ancestors. The brave warbands shall follow you eagerly in search of glory and plunder, so long as your luck holds fast in the surge of battle, and your sword arm remains lively.

    Our great tribal confederation stands tall on the brink of wealth and glory, but also danger stands against us from all sides to check our advance. Across the great river Rîn in the West, lie the rich and fertile lands of the Walhoz. These people are strong warriors and well-armed, but they have grown soft with easy living and are torn by their own rivalries. And over the mountains to the south, trade brings rumors that the city-dwelling people of Rumo - are growing ever stronger. At some point we should consider reforming our military, expanding warbands from marauding to occupation by gathering those warriors composing others' army, levied and plentiful, so that we might make our neighbors' fertile lands our own.

    But we must also keep our mind on other concerns more close at hand. Our tribes, the Samanonz, the Markamannoz, the Wenjoniloz and the Ermundeurjoz, to name only a few of our mighty confederation, are mighty amongst the peoples of the North, but our ancient rivals look upon our success with jealous eyes. The Heruskoz are a proud tribe and would be happy to usurp our status, if we were to give them such an opportunity. Though short of our numbers, they have proven themselves fierce warriors in the past, and there is no reason to believe they would not relish the opportunity to demonstrate it once more. Their threat to us would be particularly heightened should they make common cause with the Habukoz or the Hattoz. Perhaps it would be wise for us to make the first move and bring all three of these tribes into our federation, either by reason or the sword.

    And there are other threats further afield. The peoples of Skándzá are stirring and with the Rugiz and Gutanz among them could threaten us from north and east if not prepared. And there are more rumors, men who say that a great wandering army from amongst the Kembroz will march through our lands and bring war and fire to the far off lands beyond mountain and river. Subduing these dangerous warriors would secure us against attacks from the North and bring us farther along the coastlands where ample booty lay waiting for plunder.

    With our flanks secured, there are warm rich lands to the west and south for our warbands to conquer. We lack not for courage, strength, nor wisdom in war, by the will of Tiwaz; and what we lack in arms and armor we will remedy with the plunder and conquest. With the blessings of the gods, good judgment and cunning strategy, our borders might stretch to encompass the whole of our raiding territories, and become the richest lands any have ever seen. Our warriors rend themselves impervious to harm or defeat through faith and courage. Who among our enemies would stand against us when we fear not even death?

    Circumstance and the beckoning call for glory has played our fate into your able hands, shape it as you will.


    [​IMG]

    ACHTUNGAZ! YOU VILL ALL SUVMIT TO ZE SWEBOZ!

    ---------------------------------
    Update 1 LEBENSRAUMGAZ!
    Update 2 LEBENSRAUMGAZ!
    Update 3 Raping small Gaulic tribes
    Update 4 Drangaz nach Ostengaz
    Update 5 Teutoburg Forest
    Update 6 Remove or be removed
    Update 7 Remove or be removed
    Update 8 Blood on Ice
    Update 9 Extreme Rock Climbing
    Update 10 Republic Strikes Back
    Update 11 War Drums
    Update 12 Death of a Hero
    Update 13 New Overlords of Yurop
    Update 14 Still fighting Rome
    Update 15 Celtic Insurgency
    Update 16 Update with no name
    Update 17 Their finest hour
    Update 18 Their finest hour
    Update 19 Lesson in Humility
    Update 20 Lesson in Humility
    Update 21 Lesson in Humility
    Update 22 Road to Rome
    Update 23 Vae Victis
    Update 24 West is new East
    Update 25 West is new East
    Update 26 Treachery and Doom
    Update 27 Offensive in Iberia
    Update 28 Offensive in Iberia
    Update 29 Military Reform
    Update 30 Dealing with Norici
    Update 31 Imperial ambition
    Update 32 Dealing with Norici PART 2
    Update 33 With friends like these
    Update 34 With friends like these
    Update 35 MeatGrinder
    Update 36 Sweboz work is never done
    ---------------------------------
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2014
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  2. Azira Arcane Patron

    Azira
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    Codex 2012
    :yeah:
     
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  3. Storyfag Arcane

    Storyfag
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    I expect loads and loads of so-bad-it's-hillarious faux german :salute:

    Also, might I remind you about the promised Myth 2 lp?
    :mob:
     
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  4. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 1 - You vill all suvmit to ze sweboz tribal konfederationgaz!

    Show Spoiler


    [​IMG]

    I decided to change battle difficulty from recommended medium to hard. It might bite me in the ass later but we shall see.

    [​IMG]

    And that's us, the Sweboz. We start with only one province which is nice after playing huge-ass empire. Also, we don't have to conquer the fucking world to win the game, we basically have to unite germania and then survive.

    [​IMG]

    But as you can see we make barely any money and we will be broke soon. That's normal situation for Barbarians and there is only one way to start making money:

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    Sweboz needs LEBENSRAUMGAZ!!11!eingaz

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    We start with a lot of germanic cavalry, which is quite decent but we simply don't need them and we shall disband most of them leaving ourselves one unit. Sweboz have decent cavalry but it suffers from weakness very common for Sweboz, lack of any armor whatsoever. We don't make our own chainmails, we trade for them with Gauls so only our family members Hearth Troops have those. Sweboz have reform which kicks in around 190 B.C that gives you armoured cavalry, but we also need acess to iron (province with large iron mine) and very developed trade routes with Gauls. This reform comes way too fucking late to be of any help.

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    Now we have to join all our armies under king Heruwulfaz banner and start conquering shit. Sweboz general bodyguards are infantry, and very, very fucking good infantry at this so we will use them a lot.

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    We don't have income but we have some money in treasury so we shall start bulding roads (to nowhere for now) and recruit some additional soldiers. And that's last time we will build anything for quite few turns.

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    When our army will be ready, we shall march to Rugia and force tribe of Rugjoz to join our ZE SWEBOZ KONFEDERATIONGAZ!

    [​IMG]

    Most of our men reached Rugoz. This town don't have walls but we are not going to attack it, we shall starve garrison to reduce their numbers because I don't want to loose any more men than necessary.

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    We start at war with both major Gaulic tribes so I decided to send diplomat asking for peace and trade right, both tribes accepted our proposal.

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    Last reinforcements almost reached Heruwulfaz, it's winter now and that would be a problem for Arche Seleukeia, not for Sweboz though, we don't give a fuck about winter, we can move our army around when we want to.

    [​IMG]

    Spring arrived, it's time to celebrate by subjugating fellow germans.

    [​IMG]

    We have more men and Rugjoz king is part of light cavalry unit so it should be easy.



    [​IMG]

    Those guys are our family members bodyguards and they will be our main "killers" for quite some time.

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    Those young strapping lads are our "backbone", their job is to take damage for the team and hold the line while others do the killing.

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    And those are Rugjoz, they have swords and we don't. But they don't have any armor so our archers should be able to kill quite a lot of them.

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    Our archers may be weaker than Kretans but their are much better than Hellenic Toxotai and they can kick some serious butts in melee if need be.

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    Barbarian warfare, we shout insults, throw pointy shit and then prepare to take enemy charge like a man.

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    Enemy engaged our main battle line and we can start flanking them with our heavy infantry bodyguards.

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    Meanwhile, Rugjoz king tries to pull of some crazy shit but I don't give him much chances at defeating two units of bodyguards with his light cavalry Ridjonez.

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    Most of Rugjoz infantry broke but unfortunately not at the same time, we will have to fight at city center which always means high casualties.

    [​IMG]

    They made quite a dent on our force but like I said in Arche Seleukeia LP, germanic troops are easier to kill than to rout.

    [​IMG]

    And now Rugjoz shall join our glorious KONFEDERATIONGAZ!

    [​IMG]

    And Cimbrii are next. VE ARE COMING FOR YOU AZIRA!

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    JOIN! DIE! JOIN! DIE!

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    We formed alliance with Getai, there is small chance we will border them in future and I wanted to check if it's possible to keep allies loyal by bribing them on VH difficulty.

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    Cibrii are out of Kiszka and they have to sally forth. They have same army composition as Rugjoz so no point of showing you this battle.

    [​IMG]

    This time I managed to rout all enemy soldiers at the same time and battle is over.

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    They still managed to kill quite a few of us though.

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    Occupy, we can't afford to enslave anyone because even our capital have around 1000 inhiabitants.

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    Now we have to conquer Skandza for our strategical ships purposes (I think scandinavia is only place where we can build ships).

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    It would be pretty bad if we got attacked by Eleutheroi because we have almost no defenders in our homeland and Rugoz and Kimbroz don't even have walls. But we keep taxes low so it should stop brigands spawn.

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    EIN TRIBE! EIN VOLK! EIN HERR-WULF-ASS!1!!1!eingaz

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    Now ze glorious germanic economy shall rise, coins shall be made, and my face on zem vill be. And then army shall be recuirited and ALL VILL SUVMIT TO ZE SWEBOZ!

    [​IMG]

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    Getting LEBENSRAUMGAZ!!1!1eingaz put ze dent on our force, ve might have problems subjugating Cheruscii. But ve shall try anyway, SWEBOZ KONFEDERATIONGAZ lachen in ze face of ze danger!

    [​IMG]

    JA!
     
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  5. Azira Arcane Patron

    Azira
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    Codex 2012
    Do carry on. :avatard:
     
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  6. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

    Fafnir
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    Grab the Codex by the pussy
     
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  7. Storyfag Arcane

    Storyfag
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    Moar.
     
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  8. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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  9. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 2 - You vill all suvmit to ze sweboz tribal konfederationgaz!

    Show Spoiler


    [​IMG]

    I didn't expect to lose so many man conquering Rugjoz, Kimbroz and Skandza. Well, we will have to try to take Heruskoz with what we have.

    [​IMG]

    They have quite a lot of men.

    [​IMG]

    And some Cheruscii swordsmen who will slaughter our Dugunthiz because spearmen are rather weak against swords.

    [​IMG]

    On the bright side, Herwulfaz bodyguards are very experienced and this makes them beasts. Units in RTW have a lot of hidden stats like morale, mass, lethality of weapons etc. Popamolish strategical layer and dumb AI makes this game looks quite simplistic but battle system is surprisingly complicated, even shit like "do arrows hit shield side or weapon side of a unit?" makes difference between victory and defeat.

    [​IMG]

    We reached Gawam-Heruskoz and I'm crossing my fingers that they won't sally straight away and will let us starve them for a while.

    [​IMG]

    And they didn't attacked. Now let's talk a little bit about our victory condition. We have to "unite germania" which seems like quite easy task because it's not that big. There is one fucking problem though - Mother. Fucking. Boii. Boii are gauls that settled in modern day Czech Republic (and gave it its medieval name - Bohemia). They are not playable faction in EB because there is hard-coded faction limit in RTW. Boii never got really conquered by germans or romans, so EB team made them "extremely strong" Eleutheroi. We don't have spy here but trust me, there is full stack army hidden in the forest, army with maxed out experience and gold-like general. To make matters worse, this army will respawn unless you beat it and take Eburonum in one turn... and in Eburonum there is another full-stack maxed out army.

    Sweboz may laugh in the face of danger, but Boii laugh in the face of Sweboz. At least for now.

    [​IMG]

    Herwulfaz's son grown up. He looks like governor type of guy (Sharp/Uncharismatic).

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    ACHTUNGAZ! Heruskoz! your goose is cooked! SUVMIT!

    [​IMG]

    NEINGAZ! you suvmit! your goose is cooked!

    [​IMG]

    Heruskoz don't be ze stupid, our goose is fine, yours is cooked. There is only van way to resolve this ze conflict here...

    [​IMG]

    Ze Yodeling competition?

    [​IMG]

    NEIN! Ve shall have a good var!



    [​IMG]

    Fact that they have walls is a blessing for us because we can swarm them while they are going through the gate.

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    [​IMG]

    Dugunthiz! don't get too close to Heruskoz swordsmen, throw your pointy sticks at zem!

    [​IMG]

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    WUNDERBAR! Now! let's swarm zem!

    [​IMG]

    kekekeke

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    [​IMG]

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    Ze enemy cavalry! protect me my huskarls!

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    Ve showed zem, now let's go back to ze main fight

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    oh...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Scheiße!

    [​IMG]

    But we killed Cherusci king!

    [​IMG]

    And his army routed, we won.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

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    Amount of shit Herwulfaz conquered made him popular among Sweboz.

    [​IMG]

    But that's all we can do now, there is no chance we can subjugate Habukoz with what's left of our army. We have to disband our troops and wait till we are no longer at debt.

    [​IMG]

    Which will take a while with our income...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Only ze ten years passed since we started getting our LEBENSRAUM!!11!eingaz and our economy already recovered. Gods mit uns!

    We need to build some economy buildings because otherwise Chris Avellone will find Caius Cossades finish Arcanum before we will be able to raise army.

    [​IMG]

    Herwulfaz brother have a son. He's completely incompetent at everything, he will make a fine warrior.

    [​IMG]

    We are setting our government in conquered tribes (we didn't had money to even pacify those tribes before) and now it's time to build shrine to Wotan. Other shrines (to Freya, Donar etc) gives extremely useful population growth bonuses, but shrine of Wotan later gives +1 to morale to every unit trained here. Since Sweboville will be our main recruitement center (along with Heruskoz) we need morale more than population.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    How ze fuck are you planning to trade with us Phoenicians? through ze atlantis maybe? GHWAHAHAHAgaz! Sweboz laughs at ze concept of paying for shit others have... but ve accept

    [​IMG]

    We have another adult male. This time it's son of a Herwulfaz second brother. He's Dull/Uncharismatic/Sickly fuck, he will make a fine warrior.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    It's 255 B.C and we finished ze construction of our first military complex. Now we can begin arming our soldiers wiz zomting better zan just sticks sharpened in ze fire.

    [​IMG]

    Unfortunately we have mostly levy spearmen.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Habukoz! JOIN OR DIE!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Don't let them escape the town, swarm them a ze gates!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Habukoz king tried to flank us, unfortunately for him, we had two units of spearmen in reserve.

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    Stab him!

    [​IMG]

    And he died.

    [​IMG]

    Now we have case of "gate clusterfuck". That's not optimal way of dealing with sallying garrison.

    [​IMG]

    We will fall back and let all of them go throught the gates. Then we will charge them making use of our superior numbers.

    [​IMG]

    Most of them routed but they managed to regroup in town center.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    We will occupy, this is our "homeland" region, we want high population.

    [​IMG]

    But our next target - Arctuannon, will be "Expeled" (we will resettle it's population to our other provinces) because I think we can't recruit our faction troops there.
     
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  10. Storyfag Arcane

    Storyfag
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    Ah, good old expelling. Forgot it exists, and therefore was wondering how are you planning on getting high populations to feed your MICs.
     
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  11. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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  12. Rahdulan Arcane Patron

    Rahdulan
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    Great stuff, you inspired me to start playing EB again. :bro:

    I believe "losing my shit" is the correct phrase.
     
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  13. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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  14. Merkwürdigliebe Arcane

    Merkwürdigliebe
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  15. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Update 3 - We come from ze land of ze ice and snow...

    Show Spoiler




    [​IMG]

    Heruwulfaz reached Arctuannon and we shall take it by hunge,r like we always do, because we are fucking cowards are sneaky.

    [​IMG]

    And there is famed Boii army with god-like general. We don't have spy there so we can't see what they have, but I bet my ass they have scary shit.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    It's ze time to take zis keltic place and make population our slaves!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Expeling population allowed Rugoz place to grow.

    [​IMG]

    Awwww shieeeeet, it WAS our homeland. Well, it's not like we killed those guys, we just found them better place to live.

    [​IMG]

    But our next target - Bagacos, is for sure not our homeland because this is where scary Belgae lives.

    [​IMG]

    Heruwulfaz is a oldfag now and he may not live long enough to conquer Bagacos. I will have to look for good heir.

    [​IMG]

    It is only fitting that we shall make firstborn son of Herwulfaz heir to swebic kingdom.

    [​IMG]

    Also, I managed to save enough money to start building mine in Gawjam-Rugoz. It should greatly help our "economy".

    [​IMG]

    Being a Sweboz prince is not about writing greek poetry and screwing noble ladies. Harjawulfaz have to haul his ass to Heruskoz to help his father taking Bagacos. He shall take this unit of weirdos with him, because they look way too fucking cool to pass on them.

    [​IMG]

    We border Arverni through Arctuanon so I don't think that crossing the Rhine will make us bigger targer for them than we already are. But I decided to recruit another diplomat and try to form alliance with them.

    [​IMG]

    Nope, they told us to fuck off.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Crap, zey don't want to be starved. Sneaky bastards...

    [​IMG]

    And they have a lot of cavalry and fucking Milnaht - Belgae rapists.

    [​IMG]

    No matter! ve shall be victorious and make people of Bagacos our slaves... and zey better be keltik zis time because, seriously guys, seriously.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Do not fear ze Belgae! they all like any other men, only little bigger, zey vill die when you stab zem!

    [​IMG]

    Letting them all go through the gate and then trying to rout them is out of question, we have to swarm them immidiately.

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    Main weakness of Milnaht is lack of armor, but we also lack it so getting in prolonged "javelins exchange" is stupid idea, we have to rely on our numbers.

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    Our wolf-dudes look cool as shit but they are quite useless here, main thing about them is "effective against armor" weapons but there is not much armor here.

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    We have complete gate clusterfuck going and only archers and Herwulfaz huskarls are free to stop Belgae cavalry.

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    We managed to break Milnaht, now we have to deal with cavalry and whole metric shitton of spearmen.

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    Belgae are routing and we are free to enter the town.

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    Herr general! zey have KAMPFWAGEN!!1!1eingaz

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    Do not feat their KAMPFWAGEN!1!!1eingaz they go "boom" when you put ze spear into zeir vheels!

    [​IMG]

    Chariots are seriously weak as shit, only good for reducing morale of enemies.

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    I would rather say "Close Victory". Fucking Belgae, man.

    [​IMG]

    RELOCATE. And this is not our homeland province this time.

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    I set taxes to normal for one fucking turn and goddamn brigands already started popping out.

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    Bagacos is not our homeland province so we will make them Swebros (Vassal state).

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    Ve are learning animals, experience at ze Bagacos teached us not to attack ze kelts bare chested. Ve shall wait viz attack on Vendelicoppidos until we can recruit better armed warriors in Heruskoz.

    [​IMG]

    Because Vendelicoppidos have Gaesatae, and those guys will literally rape us unless we bring some better troops.

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    We formed alliance with Arverni, the "Superiour Ones", it's basically non-aggresion pact because I don't want to get attacked while our army is sieging Vendelicoppidos.

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    We have brand new army. Most of our family members are governing our towns so we had to recruit some swordsmen in their place.

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    We reached Vendelicoppidos, now we will siege it for 7 seasons.

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    Ze fuck are you talking about?!

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    We need trade right viz ze Casse. We tried to shoot our diplomat there viz ze huge-ass sling, but it didn't worked. I decided to start creating Sweboz KRIEGSMARINE!!11!eingaz so ve can put our diplomat on it, and send him to ze britain that way, sneaky eh? I'm not ze king for nothing.

    [​IMG]

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    All ze Windelikoi had for eating were Gaesatae cocks, and after 7 season of siege they are but a shadow of former selves. We should have easy time taking this town.

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    That doesn't mean they can't have any nasty surprises for us so let's quickly form our battle line.

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    Every archer and slinger got order to shoot Gaesatae, they are not only deadly but also not very esthetic.

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    Unfortunately Windelikoi cavalry decided to attack our right flank, and we have only swordsmen there.

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    -FUUUUUUUUUU

    [​IMG]

    Good news is that our range units killed almost all Windelikoi infantry so we only have to deal with cav and some small beaten up units.

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    That went much, MUCH better than I expected. But we were starving them for 7 turns so they had next to no soldiers left.

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    Oh yeah, that's a lot of dudes to resettle.

    [​IMG]

    And it speeded up growth of Heruskoz, that's nice because that's our recruitment center. Now we have to decide where to strike next...
     
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  16. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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  17. oldmanpaco Master of Siestas

    oldmanpaco
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    What difficulty do you play on? Also no matter what I do I always go broke with these guys.
     
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  18. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
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    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Poland
    Was? :lol:

    Very Hard campaign, Hard battles. Going broke is normal with barbarians, I disbanded my whole army after conquering 4 provinces and then I had to wait for about 30-40 turns before we had any money in treasury again.
     
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  19. oldmanpaco Master of Siestas

    oldmanpaco
    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2008
    Messages:
    11,791
    Location:
    City of Lakes
    That's the difficulty I usually play. I think I over expand at first and are then never able to get out of the overhead hole.
     
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  20. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Poland
    Yeah, I think it's better not to conquer too much with Sweboz at the start because bordering other faction forces you to keep army in case of sudden attacks (and that's slows down recovering from debt).
     
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  21. Azira Arcane Patron

    Azira
    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2004
    Messages:
    7,807
    Location:
    Copenhagen, Denmark
    Codex 2012
    Your heir has a pet idiot? :lol:
     
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  22. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Poland
    Update 4 - Drangaz nach ostengaz

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    Sweboz need more land but way ve shall expand is not yet decided. Ve vill choose our next conquest as our fathers and their fathers did, ve vill release bunch of hungry holy birdsies that had only Gaesatae cocks for eating GWAHAGAHGHAHgaz!!1! and see vere they go... and zen ve shall follow with ze fire and iron.

    Which means we will check our victory conditions and see what towns are flashing...

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    Ze Gods wants us to stick our dicks in hive of bees that shoots lazers. But maybe ze Boii won't mind when we conquer ze Silengos, who knows? gonna try anyvay, I'm not ze king for nothing.

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    But first we will retrain our army in Heruskoz because we finished building blacksmith there and we need all the bonuses we can get and then some.

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    Azira pointed out that our heir have Pet Idiot as his retinue, that's very bad retinue so we will give him to Heruwulfaz because he will die soon.

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    And we also transfered all Heruwulfaz retinues to Harjawulfaz. Powerful advisor seems to be very nice retinue (with some drawbacks).

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    KRIEGSMANRINE!!1!1eingaz landed in britain and now we have trade rights with Casse. We will be rich! But now KRIEGSMARINE!!1!1eingaz have to go back home.

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    Or not! They got sunked! GHWAHAHAHAAHAgaz! Silly Skandzas and their stupid ideas! I told zem that humans are incapabale of flight but no, they decided to build ships anyway.

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    Mein Leben!

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    Heruwulfaz is dead, long live Harjawulfaz!

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    Going to stick our dicks in bee hive leaves our western border exposed. I made Heruskoz, and my brother Harkilaz, responsible for defending against ze potential attacks from ze kelts. And also they are tasked wiz killing those brigands that popped out.

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    Now ve wait for Silengoz to ran out of Golonko and come to us!

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    And cross our fucking fingers that Boii won't rape us.

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    I think that sending gifts to keep allies loyal is working. Arverni are at peace with Aeudii and they are allied with Rome, only faction they are at war with is... Arche Seleukeia, so they don't have any enemies near and are free to attack our exposed cities, but they are not doing it.

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    Silengoz! your goose is cooked, SUVMIT!

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    Ło pieronie goście z rajchu przyszli!

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    Was?

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    Occupy, this is our homeland province.

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    Nov ve shall conquer Ascaucalis which will let us control northern part of Amber Route. Then ve shall tell crazy Skandzas to build ze ships for us and sail to conquer ze Gotanoz.

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    Controlling Amber Route will help our economy greatly. At least I hope so, fucking Romans paid crazy money for this shit.

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    Aedui have a good var with romans so they are ze dead man valking. I decided to send husband of my youngest sister to finish ze conquest of Belgae or die trying. Actually, both would be nice... I'm mean zat I would like him to conquer ze Bratosporios and they ze drop dead so I von't have to pay for his bodyguards GHWAHAHAHAHAgaz! and I don't trust him even a bit because his Marcomanii and not Sweboz.

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    Faction Rating Herald issue from 236 B.C says that ve look like beggars compared to romans but don't let ze numbers fool you, ve are not afraid of zem even a bit. One does not know var until he tasted Gaesatae cock and I drank cocks wiz ze milk from my vater's tits!

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    Metric shitton of axemen, this would be scary if we had any armoured units.

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    They still managed to kill quite a lot of us.

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    Occupy, this is not our homeland province but they are happy.

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    Our last fleet got sunked so we need another one to carry our troops to Gawjam-Gotanoz.

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    And our Marcomanni dude reached Bratosporios, we could take it by storming the walls but we are in no hurry and there is absolutely no need to rush.

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    What. The. Fuck.

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    Getting to ze Gotanoz may be tricker than I thought...

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    We did it! but how ze fuck are we going to get back home I don't even.

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    Why not? I'm not going to send them any gifts so they will probably break this alliance soon.

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    Enslave. We are good on population so we don't need to expel anynone.

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    We border romans now, it's time to recruit another army.

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    Ze fuck to you vant in our clay romans? Send some gifts to Aedui and bring army from Batosporios there... Oh, and then send rescue party to gawjam-gotanoz because I'm stuck zere. Van can always count on romans to come to say hello in worst moment possible.

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    Now we have to ninja this army back to mainland.

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    Show zem romans that we don't approve of zem keeping their soldiers on our clay.



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    First we will shoot their Pedites Extraordinary a little, then w shall charge not leaving them anough time to throw their pila.

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    Wololololo!

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    Roman reinforcements arrived but I think we got this shit.

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    Especially since our armor piercing weirdos popped out from the trees.

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    Go bakc to your precious Italioa!
     
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  23. Ivar the Boner Arcane

    Ivar the Boner
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    1,053
    Location:
    Poland
    Update 5 - Teutoburg Forest Shore Field.

    Show Spoiler


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    No! You vill SUVMIT!

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    Then our meeting is concluded and I spit in ze eyes and flag of your eagle.

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    I told my brother Harkilaz to keep hiding in ze woods in case Italioans come back. Also, Arverni vere allies of Romans but since we declared a good var on them, Arverni decided to also spit in ze eyes and flag of their eagle and broke their alliance.

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    Arverni get ze fuck out ve are hunting romans here, ve called dibs! find your own place!

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    Ha ve got zem! and now italioans vill be liek, MANIUS GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS! GWAHAHAHAHAgaz!!1 just you vait.

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    Ve didn't leave any survivors so Italioans vill be liek "vere is Manius? Manius supposed to be here" and Manius if fucking dead, ve fucking killed him dead GHWAHAHAHAgaz!!!1.

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    Ah crap, Manius vas only a scout for main Italioans force. My brother-in-law can't retreat, his goose is cooked.



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    First zey vill have to find me, then zey can cook my goose!

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    Ve are hidden deep in ze forest but ve left our archers and slingers at the edge to pepper romans as zey try to enter forest.

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    Zey vill have to chase our range dudes and tire themselves.

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    Ve shall vait until they all are vere we wan't them to be, and they strike with fury!

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    Ve have most of them pinned in one place, unfortunately reinforcements are coming and our archers and slingers can't stop zem.

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    If ve just break zis one army ve would be golden, but it's not looks like those guys vant to break.

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    Italioan reinforcements arrived and ve find ourselves surrounded by romans in ze fucking forest. Call zat poetic justice if you vill.

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    Now only ze bravest (or ze slowest) Sweboz stays to fight, our goose is oficially cooked.

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    Vat can I say? ve got fucked up GWHAHAHAHAgaz!11!eingaz

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    Ja, you did, now haul your ass back to Heruskoz and retrain.

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    Romans keep army at our border but they didn't dare to attack us yet.

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    Also, we hired Baltic-Hitman to remove romans.

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    He's new at this shit, we have to give him some time.

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    We have serious family crisis, youngest brother of Harjawulfaz is 41 years old and our only third generation male is 3.

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    Fucktarded Aedui said zey are not simpletons and won't let our army pass through their territory to help zem fucking fight romans. How ve can win a good var with such allies like zem? Zey don't vant our help and zey dont have anywhere to run. Ve always can retreat to Gawjam-Gotanoz and spit in the eyes and flag of roman eagle from zere.

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    Incompetent idiots everywhere!

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    Roman crossed our border but my brother have a surprise for zem. At least he says so...

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    [looking at the trees] We'll make spears. Hundreds of them! Long spears, twice as long as a man.

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    And zen vat? show our asses to ze romans and scream "FREEEEDOM!!11"? But vatever, do vat you want just don't fuck it up zis time.

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    - Hans, I think zis idea is fucking stupid.
    - Shut up and point ze spear at zem.


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    We deployed our archers and slingers near the enemy to harass them and maybe force them to run at us.

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    Nice thing about Sweboz archers is fact that they can hold their own against other light infantry.

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    Roman heavy infantry is approaching. I wan't to be on defence so it means we will have to take pila throw like a man.

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    Now we have to flank them and hope they will break.

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    Roman right flank is routing.

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    And soon the rest follow.

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    I cant believe zis shit worked!
     
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  24. Storyfag Arcane

    Storyfag
    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2011
    Messages:
    5,689
    Location:
    A Dark Place
    This is some good shit. But I want to see you fight the Boii :troll:
     
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  25. Whitewolf Novice

    Whitewolf
    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2012
    Messages:
    49
    Excellent this is the first time that i've seen Romans head straight north, usually in all my games they conquer Illiria and proceed towards Greece or Massilia an then into Gaul, good work keeping them at bay.
     
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