Completed Let's Play Europa Barbarorum (Sweboz)

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 16 - Update without a name.

Spoiler

We will finally be able to recruit Celto-Germanic spearmen in Tolosa. MIC required to recruit them is expensive as balls but we need those guys, badly.

Dalmonion is under siege and we will have to storm the walls because Romans are bringing rape train to Illyria.

What a cocky bastards. Arverni feel so strong after their last victory that they attacked Agilaz.

Aww crap. I learned to like forest battles during this LP but I still seriously suck at them.

- Arverni are coming!

Their cavalry is already here. But they were fucking unlucky and charged straight into hidden Speudogordoz.

We have to accept javelin exchanges because I'm not good enough to control what's going on during forest battles.

But I can still do some flanking from time to time.

If I knew that we will be fighting in forests I would brought more Cherusci, not that they are any better in woods than our other guys but it just feel right for them to fight in the forest.

I think Arverni have enough.

Only one unit of Neitos keeps fighting, fortunately they stumbled on Sloxonez (clubmen) and Agilaz himself is getting ready butt-rape them.

High losses but I can't see shit in forest.

We are no longer most advanced faction

Romans smuggled some reinforcements but they are too late. Our siege towers are ready and we can finally take Masallia after three sieges.

But we have to beat garrison first.

Romans have hastati and principes on walls left to the gateway so we will order or right tower to go first.

Our Expendables Raetian allies reached the walls.

And Hastati and principes are leaving their position so we can order left tower to attack.

Now we can wish our wall rapists "good luck" and go straight to the center of the city.

First we have to kill Ligurian mercenaries but that won't be a problem.

Now we send our naked weirdos to capture every tower on the way to city center so they won't rape our main attack force.

And final strike begins.

And Masallia is finally ours!

And it get's it's population enslaved and infrastructure destroyed because they have wrong culture.

Now we have to take Dalminion because Roman rape train arrived.

Rhompaia hitting ass and legs OMG itz hevun. We have some Bastarnae mercenaries and it reminded me that we have to conquer Gawjam-Bastarnae (currently owned by Sauromatae) to fullfil our victory conditions.

Occupy. Population is low here and we need Illyria STRONG! to help us fight romans.

Mediolanum is under siege but it was able to defend itself against much scarier armies than this one.

Ve better not screw up zis time.

It's exaclty same place we got our asses handed to us last time. But this time we have hill advantage because*.

*I think I wanted to explain WHY we have hill advantage but then forgot to do it. This random "because" looks cute so I decided to leave it but future me don't remember why we have hill advantage.

I dispached some of our soldiers to deal with relieve force while rest waits for Gergovia garrison.

Unfortunately one large unit of Brihentin (Celtic general bodyguard, heavy cavalry) avoided engagemnt and it looks like it will have fun time charging us from behind and downhill.

We managed to stop them from charging us but we still fight them uphill.

But relieve force got smashed and we can deal with Brihentin becasue gergovia garrison is too busy chasing our skirmishers around.

Fucking barbarian sandwich.

Arverni general is dead (I think it was actually the king*) and we can prepare to fight Gergovia garrison.

I rarely click on "enemy general fallen" message because EB crashed ONCE long time ago when I did this and I'm still fucking paranoid.

Our soldier are tired but we have terrain advantage and Arverni are also not exactly fresh after chasing our slingers around.

I have no idea if light spear used overhand gives any bonuses against cavalry but I always tell soldiers to use them anyway (if they have those as secondary weapon).

And there goes another general.

Our cavalry was fighting Gaulic Leuce Epos and I thought Ridjonez have no chance but fuckers are winning.

And then mass rout started after death of last general.

Huge losses but fuck it, Gergovia is ours.

And it gets expeled because for some reason we can sustain 20k population even in our germanic holdings (farming there suck balls).

That's vat you get for messing wiz us. NAO YOU ARE TURKEY!

 

[Storyfag]

KEBAB REMOVED FROM GAUL PREMISES

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 17 - Their finest hour

Spoiler

We have new army around Mediolanum. I tried to scare off roman army that is besieging the city but they are not afraid of us so this army will just stand here and assist in defence of Mediolanum.

Or not. Romans brought more soldiers and our army had to retreat. Now Mediolanum will be attacked by two armies and is without reinforcements.

This abomination will defend against roman attack in the west. That's not many soldiers but romans have only one ram here so we should be fine.

We will use standard hill defence against army in the east because they have too many rams to defend the walls.

SMASH! let the rape begin!

Shit, this looks funny... retarded, but funny.

KEKEKEKEKE.

Romans have almost twice as many men as we do but they still managed to get their retarded asses (almost) surrounded.

Few Hastati tried to get to town center by different route but we fortunately had some reserves.

Roman army in the east is pretty much gone, they don't have general so their morale suffers.

Yup. We collapsed on them and they are fleeing.

Romans in the west keeps fighting but they are exhausted ("Hold Formation" is OP as fuck, our guys are still "fresh") and they will soon break.

Now we just have to butt-rape Hastati that tried to sneak in...

And shit is over, they got RAPED!

Heroic RAPE!.

And we can into space again.

Now we try to be sneaky in Illyria. Conquering both Segestica and Dalminion was a "pure win" for us because both towns had mines already build so we make a lot of money from it without any investment on our part. Obiously, I don't want to lose those mines but we need to try putting a dent on roman rape train here. So we hide in the woods and hope that romans will stumble upon us while having a stroll.

We also put our army dangerously close to Segesta to give romans reason to move some of their soldiers out of Illyria.

... Or force them to attack us with some makeshit army.

Gods have us hill, good luck Itlioans!

-FVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sweboz soldier models are considerably bigger than romans, but Chatti guys are fucking gigantic, they are even bigger than most of Sweboz.

- Nasty Little Hobbitses!

Italioans reinforced Segesta. Ve killed thousand of zem but that's nothing, one season vill pass and zey vill enlist 10 times as many. Ve need to keep pushing so ve are going to try zis...

We besieged Segesta and build a fort to block romans from attacking our besieging army from behind. I hope it will work because we had to use both our bridge-raping squads and some Mediolanum garrison to man this fortification, if it falls romans will have road to masilla open. It's not really "Segesta or bust" because we are rich enough to shit out more armies at this point, if we fail it will be simply another failed offensive that's put as back to where we were couple turns before.

I think ve just made romans shit their pants*.

*

Since romans didn't wear pants, could they technically shit themselves? Oh the mysteries...

And I also decided to siege Vindobona so romans will have to send reinforcements in two directions.

Thanks to our fort they could not attack us from behind but that's still bad. I will see if we got a hill that we can camp on, try to do some damage and retreat if shit's got bad (we can retreat since our back is safe)

There is wooded hill here but it's very close to where romans will deploy se we may have fight for it.

Actually, Segesta garrison arrived right away so knowing how retarded AI is it probably will be more important for romans to join forces than not to fight uphill.

Ok, after years of playing this game AI still can suprise me with its stupidity. Captain Tiberius could wait for Aurelius Cotta forces but he decided to go down and join them, this means they will be forced to climb this hill twice.

- Let's charge those slingers uphill in the woods! what could possibly go wrong?!

Vell, zis for example Herr Cotta.

You can always count on roman cavalry to do some stupid shit, but their infantry usually can save the day, we have to charge pedites extraordinary with clubs.

On the other hand, it's hard to fight uphill and when you have to stand on friends corpses.

Romans decided to throw most of their troops on our right flank and some units tries to flank us going through our center. They don't know that we have complete battle line, only hidden.

Now we can collapse our center on clusterfuck in the right flank and bring troops from the left to cover us.

Romans are exhausted, they have to climb this hill twice and then fight fresh troops on "guard mode".

I initially put my cavalry with my skirmishers to lure away some roman soldiers, they did their job and now they are back...

... with fury.

What initially was just a hill defence to kill few romans turned into rape.

Guys who were chasing our skirmishers are back, completely exhausted and with no chance to fight back other than throw few pila.

They broke quickly and we told our cavalry to have some fun with routing romans.

Zis vas our finst houer!

It was indeed. Romans brought another legion but we are cocky bastards now and we are not going enywhere unless they kick us out of here.

 

[Merkwürdigliebe]

Now I'm waiting for the Germanic rape train to reach Rome about 600 years ahead of schedule.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 18 - Their finester hour

Spoiler

While we were busy sticking our finger in the eye of rome, Lusotannan got steam-rolled by Qart-Hadast and now we border another fucking super-aggresive republic.

Fortunately we finally can recruit some real soldiers around Gaul.

Also, rape train arrived and we have to abandon idea of taking Vindobona. We will hide in the woods and see what happens.

Sucesfull ambush, but romans still have 5:3 advantage.

Or not. Game freezed during loading screen and I had to restart and reload. This time we failed to ambush romans but I'll get over it because we can retreat if this battle goes wrong.

No hills, no woods, no nothing. We will shot romans a little and then we GTFO.

We started running to thin red line and then roman general decided to charge our slingers, we are out of here but we are taking roman general with us.

That's a dick move game, you said we can retreat on campaign map.

Well, fuck... I guess we are staying afterall.

But this dick is staying here with us!

Quite a lot of romans decided to chase our skirmishers around but that's it for good news.

Prime example of what we professionalls call "Clusterfuck".

We managed to broke one unit of Triarii and now our bastarnae and cavalry are free to futtbuck romans.

Our mercenary gaullic cavalry is routing romans left and right.

Well, I'll be fucking damned.

And we can't retreat now. Shit's over for this guys

... Our finst vctrey since last one.

Romans didn't dare to attack our army besieging Segesta this time and we managed to build siege towers.

Begin assault!

High losses but we can replenish our force by taking some soldiers from our Little Fort that Fucks With Rome.

And Segesta get's it's ass enslaved because culture is bleh and people are unhappy.

Meanwhile, our Illyrian army saved by Leubaweniz tactical genius is waiting for reinforcements from Dalminion. Also, Segestica is under siege but it have good enough garrison to defend itself.

Up north, Casse would fucking LOVE to attack us but they just don't know how to boat.

You better have some elephants with you because otherwise we gon fuck you up...

Shit, romans had hidden army somwhere around. We have to retreat.

Ok, that's doable.

Segesta got besieged but we have huge garrison there.

And I took last Carthaginian "proposal" as a war declaration and we are preparing armies to ruin their fucking day.

It's this dickhead again. No, I don't want to ambush him, we need our Illyrian reinforcements.

That's better.

I'm not a guy who use one tactic because it works. I use one tactic UNTILL it works. I never played against human player so I'm inflexible as hell. Only difference is that, with this army, I use "guard mode" and accept roman pila throw. We have shitton of initial casualties but then romans get tired and break easily.

Gutentag Phoenixians. I arrived to tell you zat NO ONE FUCKING THRETEANS ZE SWEBOZ AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

They were asking for it. Just like romans when they decided to waltz straight into our clay long time ago.

We told romans besieging Segestica to fuck off and Leubaweniz finally have real army. I'm pretty sure he is best general I ever had in Europa Barbarorum.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Poor Romans...

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 19 - Lesson in Humility

Spoiler

Romans are ready to attack Segesta. There is absolutely no point in defending walls when you have anything better than palisade. AI goes apeshit on siege equipement and you simply can't defend everything. But why should you when you can just defend town square and let your towers rip attackers to shreds? (AI don't bother caputring them).

2 sap points are completely uncessary and it means two exhausted unit almost straight away. Also, rams have absolutely no chance to even reach the gates and that's good for attackers because if they would try to go through the gate boiling oil would kill them.

Our archers and slingers are not very useful in defending city (I know it's sound strage but that's the truth) so we will put them on walls for a while.

Machine gun ballistas on siege towers will kill couple of them but whatever, let dem slingers have some fun.

Rams are destroyed so no boiling oil for them. Lucky bastards.

Then we tell our skirmishers to fall back to town square and let the real men do their job.

Tiberius Cornelius Blasio get's what he deserves for attacking city with full stack in it.

Segesta traditional germanic clay Italioans. You can't have it.

This stack doesn't fucking feel like making same mistake Tiberius made.

And now it's time to teach ze Phoenixians a lesson in humelty...

We use our celto-germanic dudes for the first time. They look allright and that does matter since we will be staring at them a lot. Unfortunately they are one of few "mute" units in EB.

Fucking huge losses but they had some really experienced units here.

Emporion is happy so they won't get enslaved. Most of instrastructure will be destroyed though.

BULLSHIT!

This will even out his command rating but his men will still have -2 morale.

Leubaweniz have new army so we can start another attack on Vindobona. But first we have to deal with this roman "all over the place" army.

Meanwhile in Iberia...

Oh crap...

Son of Aigilaz - Hrabanaz is an adult now. Right in time to get raped by elephants...

Vindobona garrison is sallying.

Garrison is weak, our main concern are roman reinforcements behind us.

For the first time in this campaign we have advantage at javelin exchange. That's very nice feeling.

Garrison left the city too early and we managed to break them before reinforcements arrived. Now... we must get inside the city.

And capture all gates.

All their gates are belong to us.

Now we just storm the town square.

City is ours and reinforcements can suck it.

Occupy, maybe we can recruit something here.

I don't think Ptolemaioi will help Lusotannan much against Carthage.

Emporion is under siege and our second Iberian army can't help them this turn.

I thought about waiting this siege out but Carthaginians are bringing another two stacks here so we will be outnumbered even when our second army arrives. We have to sally.

They have elephants, two units of elite phalangites and two units of elite heavy armoured liby-phoenician infantry. Also, whole metric shitton of skirmishers and archers. Their army is basically counter for our army.

We have only one anti-armor units so those guys will be a problem.

Javelins and arrows also will be a problem se we put our skirmishers in front to catch some javelins for the team and maybe even kill few africans.

Then some bullshit skirmish broken out between our skirmishers and african archers.

Our guys won and now we make few fake cavalry charges to make africans waste some of their javelins.

And now I did something potentialy stupid - I decided to split our army in two. Hrabanaz will take few units and will try to kill liby-phoenician elite infantry while Aigilaz and rest of our army fend off phalanx and elephants.

Hrabanaz managed to insolate and surround liby-phoenicians. They are badly outnumbered but still will slaughter the shit out of our men because those guys are though. They can walk through Argyraspides phalangitai like it's nothing (and they did once in my Arche Seleukeia LP but I don't know if I showed it to you).

But Africans just left them to die.

Now Hrabanaz will engage their left flank basically to keep them occupied while Aigilaz orders general charge.

- Otto?
- Ja?
- Ze fuck is that?

Both carthaginians flanks are engaged and phalanx in the center don't know what to do with themselves.

Now we can only wait and see who comes out on top.

Carthaginian general is dead and some of their units are fleeing.

But phalanx decided to keep fighting and since we don't have anything anti-armor near we will have to slowly mow them down.

Fact that they put their phalanx backwards helps a little though.

Not the most glorious victory but their army is dead and ours is not. And that's all that matters now.

Hrabanaz should get that, he basically flanked carthaginians with handful of soldiers and survived.

We recruited some mercenaries and now we wait for upcoming shitstorm (next carthaginian stack have 3 units of elephants).

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 20 - Lesson in Humility

Spoiler

Romans are sending armies to retake Vindobona so we must take care of those smaller stacks around Pannonia.

We have a bit of rag-tag army but I'm no longer afraid of fighting romans in open field.

It was basically battle for nothing so no point showing you it. We had some casualties because romans are romans. We can beat them but it still don't come easy.

Romans made fatal mistake and left Bononia exposed. Armies around Patavium are cut off by Mediolanum garrison standing on river crossing but they have one free army in italia and it will probably try to relieve the city.

Yup, they did.

Terrain is flat and we have mostly Alpine phalanx so we severly lack in shock units. But Alpine phalanx have some armor (linothorax) and they actually can survive pila throw. We will put most of our soldiers in guard mode, wait for romans to engage us and then attack them from behind with couple units that are hidden in woods. Also, we have a lot of slingers so maybe romans will waste their stamina chasing them.

They are better equiped but it won't mean anything thanks to guard mode hax.

- I'm fvcking sick of those goddamn skirmishers!

As you can see on the minimap, romans ordered Pedites Extraordinary to charge us while hastati and principes are chasing our skirmishers around.

And most of pedites charged exactly where we wanted them to be.

Romans broke very easily considering that they had captain near.

And now we just surround dudes that are not chasing our slingers.

And shits over. Apparantely romans had cellphones or something because hastati that chase our slingers around know that battle is lost and are also routing.

Now we need to clean up this mess and make sure that no roman will reach Bononia.

Way to Boninia is clear but it's still roman turn and they try to save it by crossing a river. We knew they will do that so we put Mediolanum garrison on only river crossing around here (And I'm ignorant fuck so I don't even know what river it is). Battle calculator says we are screwed but it doesn't know that river crossing battles are almost as bad for attacker as bridge battles.

Zey cannot pass!

Cnaeus Cornelius Blasio won't ever reach Bononia and I don't think his soldiers will either.

They almost went around our right flank but then their own right broke.

And rest of roman soldiers soon followed.

This army won't stop us from entering Bononia but they still have some troops around.

And apparently they are not very fond of them and want them to die at this river.

Then another similar army attacked us again and they also got slaughtered.

Bononia is ours and it gets enslaved.

Germania STRONG! and SMART! and now even BIG!

Segestica is no longer under siege because romans have bigger problems now than fucking losing Illyria and Pannonia.

But we have some problems in the west. In my infinite wisdom I decided to put our second army under command of exhausted, crippled dude so they won't reach
Carthaginians anytime soon.

Romans think they have too many armies and decided to throw one away by assaulting Segesta again.

This is worst fucking siege I ever saw.

They are lucky they have some sap points.

Now they should be in some serious shit after losing this army.

They have some armies left but they shall soon lose them because we are bringing serious reinforcements to northern Italy.

Blothabrandaz finally reached besieged Emporion. Carthaginians want to fight though.

That's the only scary unit they have here. Rest of their army are light cavalry and Garamantian tooth faeries.

Light cavalry won't even reach our spearwall, slingers are raping the shit out of them.

Well, captain Xenophanes decide that it will be best to just charge our spearmen with cavalry.

It didn't worked and he died. Now rest of carthaginian army is bugging out.

Kaptain Xenofages honorable Afrikaneer. He knew he cannot into victrey so he suicided himself and told his men to retreat.

Now we give mr. Cripple's army to Aigilaz and wait for Carthaginians to make a move.

We had option to ambush this dude but I don't want to ambush guy with 3 units of elephants. I would rather defend a hill and wait till dem 'fants become tired and useless.

And that's what we are going to do.

I learned that archers are useless against elephants during my Arche Seleukeia LP so let's see how slingers will do against them.

Pretty fucking good. They are running amok.

Cavalry is mad because of this so we have to retreat to our hill.

And carthaginian army have to go through two units of pissed elephants ohohohohoho.

Our spearmen were hidden so carthaginian cav didn't knew it's going straight into a trap.

Spearmen are all kinds of allright in the center so our celtic servants allies can deal with enemy skirmishers.

Now Hrabanaz will charge carthaginian right flank and then collapse on their center.

... Well, he collapsed. But not on their center.

But we avenged brave Hrabanaz.

And Phoenicians are bugging out.

General Humelker brave Afrikaneer. He killed my son but I ain't even mad.

Getting beaten three times in the same place is not enough to make Carthaginians change their minds.

And then romans started their counter-offensive.

By getting slaughtered at the bridge.

We are gathering armies in northern Italy and Leubaweniz is getting ready to strike at Venetia. Romans launched counter-offensive but we all well entrenched (bridges and cities).

In the west, Aigilaz continues his trail of elephant raping without his son (and without crippled dude because he also died).

 

[Fafnir]

Bumping for those juicy updates!

 

[Storyfag]

Aye, bumping for greater glory!

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 21 - Lesson in Humility

Spoiler

We fought this guy already and he is not honorable afrikaneer (because he didn't die in battle).

We have nice hill but we can't hide our troops here so we will be exposed to enemy skirmishers.

Carthaginians decided to open this battle by charging their cavalry on our left flank.

We have mostly short-swordsmen there so we have to use our iberian allies who were in our main spearwall.

Then the rest of carthaginians started charging. We have hill advantage so we should be fine-ish in javelin exchange.

Those guys will be bitch to take out because we don't have anything anti-armor whatsoever.

Enemy is concentrating his efforts on our right flank, we can't send anyone from spearwall so Aigilaz himself will have to make a difference there.

Fucking elite liby-phoenicians, it's like poking tank with a spear.

Aigilaz managed to rescue our right flank and main carthaginian attack broke after getting few javelins right in their faces. Unfortunately elite dorks decided to stay.

We can keep poking those guys for hours so I'm getting Aigilaz out of there, no point in risking his life.

They finally broke, but took quite a few of our guys with them.

Costly victory.

In the south, Bononia is under siege and romans are not building any siege equipment so they obviously try to starve the garrison. We have to abandon our bridge and try to rescue the city.

And we also moved Aigilaz because those 3 stacks Carthaginian send at us are badly beaten up and we can finally threaten some of their possesions in Iberia.

Agilaz got attacked by two armies, he can't defeat them but maybe we can drag them away from Bononia if we retreat.

Ok, I didn't expect them to do that. They decided to attack Agilaz with army guarding Patavium. It's very risky on their part but they have better soldiers so only terrain advantage could help us...

Dejavu, man.

They tried to scout woods around them but they stopped after catching few devastating lead bullets volleys on their rear.

They didn't like that and are charging blindly.

We also had one unit of Norici in woods to our left and roman general stumbled upon them.

Few roman units engaged our spearwall but we won't use our hidden reserves untill every roman unit is engaged.

Shit, we are getting flanked and we still can't use our reserves.

Ok, it's now or never.

Awww yisss.

And roman general is dead!

Beautiful mass rout.

Now we need to hunt down every survivor.

Patavium is defenceless. Bononia can still survive 9 seasons and that's enough for us to take Patavium and bring reinforcements.

We brought another general to Iberia and now we have two fully operational armies here it means carthaginians will have to split their forces.

You are getting your asses kicked and you want US to be your protectorate? zis must be a jest!

Nope, they are not joking.

And they have some really experienced units.

But we have hill so they can suck it.

Our slingers are only anti-armor units we have so we must use them. Use the shit out of them.

Oh hai Sacred Band. People on EB forum were dissapointed with how those guys look and even made couple mods to "fix them". They look fine to me, a little bit too much white on them but otherwise it's ok.

Ok, time for downhill javelin storm.

Which will do jack shit to carthaginian tanks but maybe we will kill couple less armoured units.

Now I'm trying to put our slingers behind liby-phoenicians because our guys with sticks can't do anything to them untill their morale breaks.

Phoenician phalanx smashed into our center but exhausted phalangites fighting uphill are least deadly unit you can imagine.

Carthaginian center broke and everybody but tanks is bugging out.

Few guys managed to get away but we killed pretty much all their experienced tanks so our objective here is complete.

That's the same place and Carthaginian army is much shittier so they gon get raped.

They didn't even try to climb the hill. Our slingers raped the shit out of them and they retreated.

Well, romans had army in venetia and I think we won't have to assault Patavium.

We will swarm relieve force while our skirmishers keep garrison occupied.

Now we just regroup and wait for garrison to come to us.

JAVELINS STORM! (That just bounces off roman armor)

It looks like they are trying to run away. Nope guys, NO SURVIVORS!

Patavium is unhappy but I don't want to completely depopulate it so we expel it.

Meanwhile in the west, Carthaginians had Lusotannan rebellion behind their backs.

Aigilaz besieged Velike.

And our second army made move on Arse (ohohohoho).

 

[Fens]

great LP, but...

Update 21 - Lesson in Humility


Fucking elite liby-phoenicians, it's like poking tank with a spear.

ahem... these gentlemen would like a word with you

 

[Storyfag]

You guise do realise that it's just 11 posts until page 5?

 

[Fafnir]

Rabble Bump! 10!

 

[Storyfag]

And another one!

 

[Storyfag]

Don't you dare to post more images before page 5, Ivar!

 

[Storyfag]

And I mean it!

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Don't you dare to post more images before page 5, Ivar!

I promise I won't!

 

[Nicebrain]

Bump

 

[Storyfag]

Just 4 more to go guys. Get to it!

 

[Fafnir]

So close yet so far!

 

[Fafnir]

Bump

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Azira]

Am I intruding on something here?