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In Progress Let's Play as 1200s Lithuania in Crusader Kings II: The Hitman Gods, the Teutons and the Mongols
- Thread starter Cassidy
- Start date
Corporate_Jew_Master
Arcane
Wait, isn't Naveedid-habeeb-it muslim?
If so, quickly invasion/great-holy war it's ass. Skyway will never play KOTOR 7 times if it's against islamic law.
If so, quickly invasion/great-holy war it's ass. Skyway will never play KOTOR 7 times if it's against islamic law.
Cassidy
Arcane
I just realized that Reformed Pagans can declare holy war against anyone else that doesn't follow their religion, but I decided there was a more pressing priority than to conquer the land of playing KOTOR seven times: to destroy the Timurids through the greatest weapon of the Wendish Empire:
Obviously, the Lithuanian Hitman.
===================================================
Lithuanian Hitman 2: (Not so) Silent Assassin of Emperors
Hitman 2: Russia
Good news: the best of the best, the spearhead of the Empire, they have succeeded to put an end to two major threats, or hopefully so. An ambitious melonhead got killed before he could assemble a host for his invasion, while most importantly, although the Hitmen involved paid with their lives in a very painful way, the dreaded Timur has been slain, and now hopefully his Empire shall fall apart, eliminating their looming threat for once and all.
Bad news: everyone knows the Empress is cold-hearted and ruthless, and retalation will soon be inevitable.
If you can't hitman with the best, damn with the rest
Unfortunately the Swedish conquest of Pommerania left some of their people as dukes, and it will not be easy to convince them to abandon the crucified god, although some progress was made in this.
The elected successor has proven far more ambitious, trying to forge a mighty desmesne for himself through war.
Lübeck will be conquered by the Wendish Empire, and the Pomorze will once again reside in the region. REMOVE KRAUT
The Empress had her third child.
While malcontents continue to rebel, one of her relatives has become a great and capable diplomat.
Victory!
Meanwhile, however, bad news: the Timurids didn't fall apart after the death of Timur, unfortunately, which means eliminating their threat will require more dangerous and expensive missions involving only the best of the best, those bold enough to undertake the mission of assassinating not a mere ruler, but the leader of an Empire. Nevertheless, there was a simpler Lithuanian Hitman mission which consequences would benefit the Wendish Empire by causing chaos and making the Romanists lose an entire Kingdom. The circumstances seemed absurd, but why question them?
For, as soon as the young and vulnerable King of Hungary faces the merciless strike of the Lithuanian Hitman, a Muslim somehow shall inherit the Kingdom of Hungary.
Truly, the fact this could happen is evidence Djinn exist.
It was completely professional, no traces or evidences left linking such a well done service to the Wendish Empire, and now the religion of "peace" rules over most of the Balkans, part of Croatia included.
The true faith continues to advance.
Empress Dannila mourned for her mother, who died tragically young, leaving the Kingdom of Pommerania to an ingrate. Some honorary titles soothed his butthurt, however.
Although risky, the levies of the Empire were completely ready, and if quickly enough, it would ensure that the near entire south coast of the Baltic would belong to them, while granting valuable, wealthy and prosperous cities. Fear will not stop the Wendish Empire from pursuing their destiny!
The Duchess of Holstein was captured, and she was pregnant. But who cares? Crusaders kill babies, women and children, so fuck them all.
By assaulting their fortresses with their full strength, the Empire didn't give the rest of the Christian world any time to react, and victory was achieved relatively quickly, making the Wendish Empire somewhat closer to Rome than it was before. Now, truces would limit further expansion, and money was needed for another attempt at breaking apart the Timurids, but the apostates of the Potato gods deserved another lesson.
While Lübeck was given to the Kingdom of Pommerania, the newly conquered lands were granted to someone by pure merit of his incredible Stewardship skills.
Diplomatic efforts have made the King of Pommerania, arguably the most powerful vassal of the Empire, into a trusting ally with great regards for the Empress, willing to share a much larger part of his levies for the Empire than he would otherwise.
While a host invaded Pomeralia, the King of Pommerania also boldly attempt to take it back on his own, and unfortunately the Empire could not provide him with any support in this.
For making the success of the crusade against Pommerania short lasted, for promoting the Romuva true faith and for her willingness to go to any extents for this cause, Dannila became known as The Pious.
Sacz would be soon integrated to the Empire. The moribund Poland stood no chance.
A fourth and not particularly special child.
The twilight of those who have forsaken the Potato gods draws near, as does the life of the heir of an empire built through mass slaughter and brutality in the name of another false god.
ARE YOU LITHUANIAN HITMEN OR NOT?
To further help with the complete failure of the attempts to put another Khagan to the blade, some Orthodox Russians have riled up, dreaming to "crush the heathens" and create a new kingdom of Rus. They must be stopped as soon as possible, DEATH TO RUSSIA!
Not so many years after losing her mother, Dannila also lost her husband and master of the Lithuanian Hitmen. This was dangerous considering the Timurids really wanted to successfully assassinate her in revenge, and the Empress hurried to find a proper new master of this dangerous game of hitmen.
She found a man almost as good as her fallen husband, and he is given the dangerous and challenging task of building a spy network to put down the Khagan of the Timurids for once and all. Unfortunately once again, this big league of being assassins of emperors prove to be as difficult as ever, and they only manage to maim the boy.
During the late night of 19th of March of 1400, as the 15th Century began, a century where, against all odds, paganism still survive in Europe thanks to the Wendish Empire and to the Persian Ukraine, a very infamous event happened. The grim, terrifying, humiliating and perhaps exciting details for a more depraved kind of man were never told, for it was not a clean, quick assassination.
The hitman involved with it, who left the infamous signature of "RK47" after his terrible deed, he took the sleeping Empress by surprise inside her own quarters, and before she could react or scream for help, he gagged and tied her to her own bed, and then brutally raped her, tortured her in ways only the creepiest Japanese snuff films of the 20th century could compare and only after many hours of suffering, mutilation and humiliation, killed her before anybody else noticed what was going on.
Svitrigaila was determined to avenge her gruesome death by eradicating the Timurid dynasty from Earth.
Their insult and brutality are unforgivable, but they have messed with the wrong Hitmen, and they will learn the enemies they made do not forgive or forget.
LONG LIVE EMPEROR SVITRIGAILA! REMOVE TIMUR KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES!
TO BE CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE
Obviously, the Lithuanian Hitman.
===================================================
Lithuanian Hitman 2: (Not so) Silent Assassin of Emperors
Hitman 2: Russia
Good news: the best of the best, the spearhead of the Empire, they have succeeded to put an end to two major threats, or hopefully so. An ambitious melonhead got killed before he could assemble a host for his invasion, while most importantly, although the Hitmen involved paid with their lives in a very painful way, the dreaded Timur has been slain, and now hopefully his Empire shall fall apart, eliminating their looming threat for once and all.
Bad news: everyone knows the Empress is cold-hearted and ruthless, and retalation will soon be inevitable.
If you can't hitman with the best, damn with the rest
Unfortunately the Swedish conquest of Pommerania left some of their people as dukes, and it will not be easy to convince them to abandon the crucified god, although some progress was made in this.
The elected successor has proven far more ambitious, trying to forge a mighty desmesne for himself through war.
Lübeck will be conquered by the Wendish Empire, and the Pomorze will once again reside in the region. REMOVE KRAUT
The Empress had her third child.
While malcontents continue to rebel, one of her relatives has become a great and capable diplomat.
Victory!
Meanwhile, however, bad news: the Timurids didn't fall apart after the death of Timur, unfortunately, which means eliminating their threat will require more dangerous and expensive missions involving only the best of the best, those bold enough to undertake the mission of assassinating not a mere ruler, but the leader of an Empire. Nevertheless, there was a simpler Lithuanian Hitman mission which consequences would benefit the Wendish Empire by causing chaos and making the Romanists lose an entire Kingdom. The circumstances seemed absurd, but why question them?
For, as soon as the young and vulnerable King of Hungary faces the merciless strike of the Lithuanian Hitman, a Muslim somehow shall inherit the Kingdom of Hungary.
Truly, the fact this could happen is evidence Djinn exist.
It was completely professional, no traces or evidences left linking such a well done service to the Wendish Empire, and now the religion of "peace" rules over most of the Balkans, part of Croatia included.
The true faith continues to advance.
Empress Dannila mourned for her mother, who died tragically young, leaving the Kingdom of Pommerania to an ingrate. Some honorary titles soothed his butthurt, however.
Although risky, the levies of the Empire were completely ready, and if quickly enough, it would ensure that the near entire south coast of the Baltic would belong to them, while granting valuable, wealthy and prosperous cities. Fear will not stop the Wendish Empire from pursuing their destiny!
The Duchess of Holstein was captured, and she was pregnant. But who cares? Crusaders kill babies, women and children, so fuck them all.
By assaulting their fortresses with their full strength, the Empire didn't give the rest of the Christian world any time to react, and victory was achieved relatively quickly, making the Wendish Empire somewhat closer to Rome than it was before. Now, truces would limit further expansion, and money was needed for another attempt at breaking apart the Timurids, but the apostates of the Potato gods deserved another lesson.
While Lübeck was given to the Kingdom of Pommerania, the newly conquered lands were granted to someone by pure merit of his incredible Stewardship skills.
Diplomatic efforts have made the King of Pommerania, arguably the most powerful vassal of the Empire, into a trusting ally with great regards for the Empress, willing to share a much larger part of his levies for the Empire than he would otherwise.
While a host invaded Pomeralia, the King of Pommerania also boldly attempt to take it back on his own, and unfortunately the Empire could not provide him with any support in this.
For making the success of the crusade against Pommerania short lasted, for promoting the Romuva true faith and for her willingness to go to any extents for this cause, Dannila became known as The Pious.
Sacz would be soon integrated to the Empire. The moribund Poland stood no chance.
A fourth and not particularly special child.
The twilight of those who have forsaken the Potato gods draws near, as does the life of the heir of an empire built through mass slaughter and brutality in the name of another false god.
ARE YOU LITHUANIAN HITMEN OR NOT?
To further help with the complete failure of the attempts to put another Khagan to the blade, some Orthodox Russians have riled up, dreaming to "crush the heathens" and create a new kingdom of Rus. They must be stopped as soon as possible, DEATH TO RUSSIA!
Not so many years after losing her mother, Dannila also lost her husband and master of the Lithuanian Hitmen. This was dangerous considering the Timurids really wanted to successfully assassinate her in revenge, and the Empress hurried to find a proper new master of this dangerous game of hitmen.
She found a man almost as good as her fallen husband, and he is given the dangerous and challenging task of building a spy network to put down the Khagan of the Timurids for once and all. Unfortunately once again, this big league of being assassins of emperors prove to be as difficult as ever, and they only manage to maim the boy.
During the late night of 19th of March of 1400, as the 15th Century began, a century where, against all odds, paganism still survive in Europe thanks to the Wendish Empire and to the Persian Ukraine, a very infamous event happened. The grim, terrifying, humiliating and perhaps exciting details for a more depraved kind of man were never told, for it was not a clean, quick assassination.
The hitman involved with it, who left the infamous signature of "RK47" after his terrible deed, he took the sleeping Empress by surprise inside her own quarters, and before she could react or scream for help, he gagged and tied her to her own bed, and then brutally raped her, tortured her in ways only the creepiest Japanese snuff films of the 20th century could compare and only after many hours of suffering, mutilation and humiliation, killed her before anybody else noticed what was going on.
Svitrigaila was determined to avenge her gruesome death by eradicating the Timurid dynasty from Earth.
Their insult and brutality are unforgivable, but they have messed with the wrong Hitmen, and they will learn the enemies they made do not forgive or forget.
LONG LIVE EMPEROR SVITRIGAILA! REMOVE TIMUR KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES!
TO BE CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE
Corporate_Jew_Master
Arcane
1. Wake up from the wailing of the sex slaves tied to the basement
2. Silence said sex slaves in a most nippon fashion
3. Eat tuna wrap
4. Plan rape-murder of Hitman Empress
5. Spend time on the internet looking at black and white comics for inspiration
6. Humiliate a white male on Soulstorm
7. Catch plane to Lithuania
8. Eat tuna wrap
2. Silence said sex slaves in a most nippon fashion
3. Eat tuna wrap
4. Plan rape-murder of Hitman Empress
5. Spend time on the internet looking at black and white comics for inspiration
6. Humiliate a white male on Soulstorm
7. Catch plane to Lithuania
8. Eat tuna wrap
Thor Kaufman
Arcane
bump
Jagged Appliance
Cipher
- Joined
- May 27, 2013
- Messages
- 310
Quality LP.
Bump
KickAss
Augur
bump!
Stygian Lurker
Liturgist
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2011
- Messages
- 577
bump
Luzur
Good Sir
Sweden's history is like a rollercoaster, first they loose to Denmark, then they break up and are almost wiped out, then come back, they loose in Finland, then break up a few times more etc
i never seen them have such a weak path in any of my non-Sweden sessions.
i never seen them have such a weak path in any of my non-Sweden sessions.
Cassidy
Arcane
Did you ever start a game at the exact year the Teutonic Order shows up? That and random chance explain it all.
Czechs who speak Arab and assimilated to Palestinian culture after converting the Palestinians to Catholicism in Jerusalem, Dutch Muslims in Syria, French in Anatolia, French in the throne of England trying to forcefully transform England into a French-speaking country, Persian skyways, an Irish assuming the dying Byzantine Empire and the southern tip of Ireland being part of it(I have no idea how that fucking happened), Obamas ruling several North Italian realms ... it has been a different kind of world.
Luzur
Good Sir
ive seen it all, even HRE totally defeated by Mongols, but Sweden usually comes out on top.
Kashmir Slippers
Magister
Bump
Cassidy
Arcane
All Hitmen open roads to Rome
Skyforger: Zviegtin' zviedza kara zirgi
The best successor for the current Emperor and King of Lithuania was chosen, not without polemic, but Vida was currently the brighest of the entire dynasty.
By the hammer of Perkunas, the world has changed. Orthodoxy is dead, and once moribund, the true Romuva faith has prevailed! Yet, the revenge for the Baltic Crusades is not complete, far from it, setbacks have proven the followers of the false god remain extremely powerful, and once thought defeated, almost like a Djinn out of a lamp, Islam has returned through the seemingly invincible Timurids.
DEATH TO RUSSIA!
Where is your god? Where?
Apostates of Odin! Meet your deserved fate!
Pomorze will be restored as a Kingdom of the old gods!
They never stood a chance. The last time the Wendish Empire was stopped was only when all of Christendom sent their men to the meatgrinder to die by the hundreds of thousands, and the mistakes of the Hammerade against Germany won't be repeated again.
Thus, the legacy of another Pommeranian Crusade was completely erased, the weak Sweden standing no chance against the mighty Empire. Victory!
Slaying Timur himself and maiming his heir, the Lithuanian Hitmen may have failed to protect the Empress from a sick form of retaliation, but nevertheless they succeeded at paving the way for the dynasty of Tamerlane to be completely eradicated, and now the Khaganate that ironically retained the name of its founder was ruled by an entirely different dynasty, and all the efforts in attempts to break it apart proved themselves futile. At least the gruesome death of Dannila the Avenger was avenged with the death of the last descendant of Timur.
Yet ultimately, where is your god now goatfuckers?
The chosen heir of the Empire becomes capable in education, and will ensure Lithuania will have an edge in knowledge and technology compared to the rest of the world, as much as their spies will.
Vida married matrilineally with a genius, in the hopes they will have another genius as their son.
More scum, for a change.
WHY DON'T YOU DIE RUSSIA?
Another conquest, and Poland was now completely surrounded by the Wendish Empire, their fate was sealed. With this victory, there was one more thing on the horizon, one possibility that would allow a drive of conquest towards Rome mostly avoiding conflict with the extremely powerful Unholy "Roman" Empire.
Strangely, in spite of the hopeless of his kingdom's situation, the King of Poland was known as the Merry... yet ultimately, the Piast would be given one final choice ]: to abandon the false god... or to abandon their kingdom, for the Emperor was willing to allow their dynasty to continue ruling over Poland as a vassal kingdom to the Emperor. Would they be ready to abandon all their worldly power for a false god and become destitute nobles? Once the time comes, the answer will come.
DIE ALREADY RUSSIA! PERKELE PERKELE PERKELE!
The 15th century, in spite of the unspeakable tragedy that befell the first and great Empress Dannila, had everything to be a golden age in the history of the Baltics, the mighty Wendish Empire protecting the last pagans on Europe from two false gods. History has changed.
The majority of the Baltic and of the Rus worships the old gods. Everything has changed.
Meanwhile, in the absurd chain of events triggered by the Lithuanian Hitmen that transformed Hungary into kebab...
There was no time to be lost. Forward through the Carpathians, forward through the Balkans, forward through the road to Rome!
The techniques and crafts used in Lithuanian construction are the envy of the world, for Lithuania has advanced ahead of her time in such field, an advance which benefits will speed progress dramatically in Kaunas.
For upholding the true Romuva faith, Svitrigail became known as the Holy.
Leading a second army to crush a band of traitors, the Emperor was proven a patient, wise, if cowardly leader of men.
Meanwhile, in Finland, the consequences of the foolish conversion of the ruling dynasty to the dying Orthodox Christianity finally exploded into massive rebellions from those who believe in Perkele against the king, and their Kingdom may yet fracture, which unfortunately will be a great opportunity for Norway to conquer them.
Thanks to the great skills of the missionaries of the Empire, the Poles have once again returned to their true gods.
Oh shit...
It is not like the Prophet(PBUH) wouldn't actually approve of this .
But one of them was only 2 year old. Svitrigaila is no Muhammad(PBUH), so instead of doing the unspeakable, he simply released the 2-year old and waited for the other one to become 13, which would happen in a few months.
Svitrigaila: "I'm waiting her to go through puberty. Therefore not pedophile."
Yet not all was good news, unless of course the Danes considered being ruled by frogs an outrage and rebelled.
This conquest was one small of many steps yet remaining to deliver the final blow thousands of lost souls yearn. Yet from such an unlikely chain of events that transformed Hungary in a Caliphate triggered by none other than the legendary Lithuanian Hitmen, the greatest opportunity to stand next to the gates of Rome the Empire ever had has risen. Whether they will succeed before the end of this era of Holy or Unholy Wars(1453) or not, remains to be seen.
TO BE CONTINUED
Cassidy
Arcane
I hope I'll manage to reach Rome before 1453, but we'll see.
=============
The Ending Medieval Era
Máddji
Over the Baltics, the old gods, the gods of the strong, they are almost supreme after centuries tearing down the tyranny of Romanism and generations, a mighty Empire preparing itself to deliver the final vengeance against Christendom. Once again people celebrate the 25th of December as a date of the gods, of the winter solstice, rather than the way the false god and the false church usurped such thousand years old tradition truly linked to the gods, no matter how much they tried to hide it.
Unfortunately another bright heir died giving birth, and a new successors was elected, the most capable of the Gediminaitis.
The leftovers of the Rus are in chaos. It is time to restore order in those lands for banditry has been leaking through the borders with the Wendish Empire. DEATH TO RUSSIA!
And then... the race has begun, the road to Rome.
Unfortunately the Empire is at truce with the Sultanate of Hungary.
The Emperor has decided to let it slide, strongly suspecting his concubine actually wanted to kill herself but lacked the courage for it thus asked for a Lithuanian Hitman to put her out of her misery. To prevent it from ever repeating again, the
A perfect mistress for hitmen.
Another trouble solved before it could become real.
The Romuva Church has always desired to conquer Estonia from the Romanists, but they failed twice already.
What is wrong, Liberal?
The Emperor grew older, and also more jaded and cynical. Poland's demise was inevitable, but much of Christendom was answering their call for aid. A rapid conquest was of essence for the final steps in the integration of Poland, rightful clay of the Wendish Empire.
Shells, shells in the night.
Everything was building up in a crescendo in the 15th century. Old kingdoms were dying, a new Empire grew ever powerful, halted only by the entirety of those who kneel to the cross together.
The Wendish Empire was something anyone could be proud of.
The allies of Poland fortunately arrived too late, or they would be trouble, serious trouble. Almost all of the de jure territories of the Wendish Empire have been taken, but ultimately, to destroy the kingdom of Poland was unwise next to the possibility of greater integration, to showcase that the Empire is fair.
http://i.imgur.com/sj2FuBy.jpg
Men were given titles purely based on their merit and skill to rule over them, as long as they didn't hate the Emperor.
DEATH TO RUSSIA!
http://i.imgur.com/VsEL3ep.jpg
Soon reduced to a single province, Poland was about to cease to exist as a Catholic and independent kingdom.
Regardless of all the
The High Chief of Krakow should have expected this, and the reduction of Romanist Poland to a single county wouldn't happen so soon.
Meanwhile, finally the truce with Hungary is over, and about time, for they may cave in to the Persian invasion any time now. Another step to the road to Rome before that happens is critical.
Damn
A new genius in the family, but unfortunately a woman, and thus, likely to die at childbirth as it happened with all other female geniuses. Why are the dumbfuckest of the dumbfucks so much better at having lots of children?
A genius in hitmanning, but to the dismay of many, she adopted the Persian mannerisms of her guardian. Ironically she looked more Persian than the sandnigger and kebab apes residing at Persia at the moment.
DEATH TO RUSSIA!
They never give up...
DEATH TO RUSSIA!
Mosques went flying sky high over the holiest city of Islam, and with gigantic wooden plaques with the words "BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT ISLAM! RAPE AND KILL ROME!" and alike, they reacted as expected.
Svitrigaila the Holy grew even more jaded, even more cynical, he lost the religious zeal he had for most of his life as he thought of all, and began to wonder if there are no gods or god after all.
Jerusalem's finest hour has begun, as soon the full might of the massive Timurid Khaganate shall fall upon them. Perhaps conquering Mecca wasn't such a good idea.
Another small step, still a long way to go.
The rabble may rise again and again, but ultimately Lithuanians will dominate all of Eastern Europe culturally, and erase the taint of Russia forever, bringing much rejoicing to Vaarna_Aarne
They should have done their research before plotting against the headquarters of the Lithuanian Hitman.
Realizing Hungary is the soft underbelly of Europe, the Pope declared a crusade as well, to attempt conquering Hungary first than the Tengri Persians. The crescendo of the final conflict between the good old gods and the false evil god continues.
The brightest child of the dynasty is tutored by the Emperor himself, to ensure she will truly be among the greatest of the greatest, while the final conquest of Poland is at hand.
In the end the Queen of Poland accepted vassalage to the Emperor, and now, with some goodwill, it would be possible to convince her to be tutored by a Romuva individual that will guide the Piast to return to the Potato gods they have abandoned for so many generations.
Others are likewise expected to throw the cross on the dirt and embrace the POTATO.
The goodwill that will make the Queen of Poland forgive the long aggression of Lithuanian on her country comes in the form of restoring the Kingdom of Poland.
And now the future is secured. The Piast lost the war, as unfortunately they could not otherwise see the truth of the potato gods, but they still shall rule over the Kingdom of Poland, and beyond. The Wendish Empire was now complete, the Lithuanian-Polish Empire, the restoration of the potato gods to their rightful place.
And another elected heir died first. A new one is chosen. Svitrigaila has lived long, longer than many of his predecessors.
The Rus are finally finished off, a best day of my life.
They may hurt the faithful.
But they will not break their will, and eventually the absurdity of the false god becomes obvious and the superiority of the True Romuva Church clear.
Somehow, Jerusalem stood.
And the successful defense of Jerusalem was only part of the good news for the enemies of the Empire. They were more effective than the Persians, and Aquitaine now conquered what was left of Hungary. Fortunately there is one good thing in here: Aquitaine is a weak realm, and it will be simple to advance further close to Rome by defeating them.
The crescendo grows. The Medieval Age is ending, and the greatest glory of the Lithuanians may yet happen first.
TO BE CONTINUED
Vaarna_Aarne
Notorious Internet Vandal
Say Cassidy, where'd you get that flag for Wendish Empire?
Kashmir Slippers
Magister
Bump
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