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Completed Let's Play: WinZip - Ironman

Zoidstar

Educated
Joined
May 26, 2008
Messages
21
Location
U.K
The party has been in the WinZip campaign setting for almost a month. They have lost one half of their contingent. Tensions are frayed . . .

“We’re all bumf*cked!!!” screeched the dwarf. “I didn’t think I’d be spending my last days on Earth getting raped by a Garfield Blu-Ray?!” “None of us did.” Mused the wizard dryly. “Lets consult the WinZip Tip of the Day for advice.”

WinZip-1.jpg


The party learn that: 'to change the default WinZip window size to the current window size they must choose Save Settings Now from the options menu'.

“I say we nuke it from space.” suggests the dwarf. “That’s Aliens you’re thinking of you cockless insect” rebuked the cleric. "Lets finish off I: and then set to work on C:"

Descending into I: they find a cabal of the most heinous files in the drive congregated in the root directory to greet them.

{By now solid state drives D: / G: and remote flash drive H: had all been fully zipped. All that remained were some particularly troublesome parts of I: and the dreaded C:}

Megalon.jpg


There to greet them are an unrepentant FLAC discography of John Coltrane. A militant TIFF of a Godzilla poster. And a complete ISO collection of MegaCD games. (Amongst a cavalcade of other horrors.)

The party start zipping files with a brutal savagery. Only the boss file of I: (a hateful XLR spreadsheet containing over 14 million entries) withstands their combined assault. The wizard calls on the elemental prince of magic to cast a Level 9 Prediction by Partial Matching Algorithm using an arcane Huffman Encoding, but with 2 minutes to go the job unexpectedly cancels, and the cleric reveals his true nature.

WinZip-3.jpg


“Listen up you mongos. I hate zipping things! That’s right, it’s a complete waste of f*cking time. You’re only saving something like 1.5mb per 50mb of data.” The dwarf and wizard stand agog. "He’s been tainted!" "What madness is this?!" The dwarfs beard bristles as he evokes a rune of greater zipping. Swatting the dwarf away the cleric yells "step aside gnome this is between me and the wizard". Storm clouds gather.

StormOverWinZip.jpg


“Alright, lets dance you f*cking limp-dick choir boy” shouts the wizard.

The cleric shimmers with an unearthly light and begins chanting an ancient zipping catechism.

The wizard summons a protective globe of anti-encryption.

The cleric crushes a sacred rosary bead in his hand and begins the liturgy of St Katz.

The wizard invokes the Burrows-Wheeler algorithm.

The cleric genuflects and begins casting a heretical Level 10 SQX packing routine, utilising all known modules. Unused by WinZip!

"You have indeed been lost to the darkness" cries the wizard as he fires off a whirlwind of super-fast legacy compressions.

Only one breaks through the clerics divine shielding.

"Pitiful" yells the cleric as he is slowly compressed. At a mere 30% he reverses the spell and begins to unpack himself.

But as he re-emerges, something is wrong, huge chunks of his face and body are missing.

"F*cker, what have you done!?!" he screams.

"This is a lossy compression algorithm you fool" cries the wizard. "Unused since the old days, but I remembered."

As the cleric melts into incoherent digital sludge, his curse lifts, and he utters his chilling last words.

"Beware the WindZ of Shit . . . "

ANewWinZip.jpg


Peace is restored to the drive. Now as the party near the final devastating chapter, let us introduce the characters:

Gaydalf the Wizard, Lvl 19
Ataraxus the Cleric, Lvl 19 - Dead
Bozark GayFart the Dwarf, Lvl 14
Grassogre the Barbarian, Lvl 5 – Dead
Buzzlepuff the Ranger, Lvl 3 – Dead
Snoligoster the Thief, Lvl 2 – Dead

Having exposed the clerics deception the wizard and dwarf descend into C: for the final battle.
 
Last edited:

Zoidstar

Educated
Joined
May 26, 2008
Messages
21
Location
U.K
Before the final confrontation in C: The wizard and dwarf travel to the vast steppes of the desktop in search of enlightenment.

WinZipDesktop.jpg


“You dirty old tit!” The dwarf howls. “How much longer are we going to stay on this featureless desktop?!”

“Be-gone! You sub-human shit-bag” Screams the wizard. “I’m staying here until it arrives.”

WinZipUpgradeII.jpg


Many hours pass lost in meditation. Finally the skies part and it appears before them. The WinZip upgrade screen. “With these upgrades we will finally have the capabilities to tackle C:” surmises the wizard.

WinZipUpgrade.jpg


“$49.95 for the new version? F*CK THAT!” Bellow the wizard and dwarf in unison, for once united in purpose. And with their resounding declamation made, our two heroes march into the hidden depths of the home directory.

And now the final battle in C:

All it’s most foul denizens have gathered.

FLAC’s, RIP's, AVI's, APE’s, ISO’s, TIFF’s . . .

Garfield Blu-Ray, Meet the Fockers Blu-Ray, Love Actually Blu-Ray . . .

With a bloodcurdling roar the dwarf charges.

Invokes the Rune of Ages (ancient heirloom of dwarven data miners).

It splinters Meet the Fockers Blu-Ray into multiple self-extracting archives.

And e-mails them to the director of Meet the Fockers (Jay Roach), destroying his computer.

The wizard issues a challenge of single combat to Garfield Blu-Ray.

“I am seneschal of the holy light and guardian of this drive. Garfield Blu-Ray you f*cking c*nt, today you die.”

The wizard casts Lvl 9 Delta Encoding.

Rushing to Garfield Blu-Ray’s aid come a swarm of heavy duty System Images (50GB each).

The dwarf hurls his +5 Axe of Sparse Bit Arrangement.

The wizard offers up his soul and begins an all-powerful concatenation.

His eyes glow white as his body is embalmed in a nimbus of divine phosphorescence.

The twelve spectres of the lords of magic form a circle around him.

The Trickster God winks and with a smile grants the wizard limitless mana.

The wizard casts a Lvl 12 Epic Lempel-Ziv Markov Chain Algorithm.

Powerless, Garfield Blu-Ray is compressed to 80%

Standing firm, Garfield Blu-Ray calls upon the WindZ of Shit, drawing our heroes into his own encryption.

Unable to stop his onslaught. The dwarf and wizard look on with dread as their limbs are slowly encrypted.

Suddenly a clap of thunder. And the ghostly form of the cleric enters from the dimension of lost souls.

“Garfield you piece of shit!” The cleric makes the sign of Chi Rho and casts Lvl 12 Self Dissolving ARChive. “In the beginning was the word, and the word is YOU'RE F*CKED!” he booms.

Using the last of his energy, the cleric vanishes forever . . . redeemed.

“Garfield you are truly fucked!” re-iterates the wizard. Grabbing the dwarfs arm the wizard severs it at the shoulder with a real-time dynamic unpacking algorithm and the pair break free.

Garfield Blu-Ray is compressed and dissolves into digital slurry.

WinZipGarfield.jpg


The dust settles. Bloodied but unbowed our heroes survey the carnage. The only free-roaming files left are the Windows directory and WinZip itself. “We have to zip them to clear the dungeon.” States the wizard in solemn tone. “What do you reckon’s going to happen?” Enquires the dwarf.

WinZipFinale.jpg


“Have you heard of the holographic principle?" The wizard begins sagely. "It is conceivable that all we take to be this material world is actually compressed on a 2D surface of maximum entropy at the cosmological boundary point.” “So zipped files could maintain an existence?” The dwarf asks hopefully. "Well, yes. But let’s face facts, that’s probably a crock of bullshit and we’re going to snuff it." Concedes the wizard.

HolographicUniverse.jpg


Bozark GayFart (dwarf, Lvl 19): Then Valhalla calls, it was an honour.

Gaydalf (wizard, Lvl 25): Carpe diem, my friend.

And with that, the wizard and dwarf begin their last encryption, and vanish forever in a subluminal foam of scintillating digits.

WinZipTheEnd.jpg


The End
 
Last edited:

Zoidstar

Educated
Joined
May 26, 2008
Messages
21
Location
U.K
P.S. Thanks for reading this shit. And for all your brofists and funny comments. I guess that's one more game ticked off the list . . .

{My gran used to tell me all she had to play with when she was a kid was a stick and a saucepan. Well now I can tell my kids something similar.}
 
Last edited:

DwarvenFood

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
6,408
Location
Atlantic Accelerator
Strap Yourselves In Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Wasteland 2 Codex USB, 2014 Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
P.S. Thanks for reading this shit. And for all your brofists and funny comments. I guess that's one more game ticked off the list . . .

{My gran used to tell me all she had to play with when she was a kid was a stick and a saucepan. Well now I can tell my kids something similar.}
Thanks you for this, it was truly amazing.
 

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