Assassins Creed Valhalla - set in the Viking age - now on Steam

[Child of Malkav]

My condolences for playing this shit.

 

[S.H.O.D.A.N.]

My condolences for playing this shit.

Don't discourage this brave man, I'm dying to know what happens to the warrior nun twins.

 

[Child of Malkav]

My condolences for playing this shit.

Don't discourage this brave man, I'm dying to know what happens to the warrior nun twins.

If they don't engage in lesbomancy he shouldn't bother posting.

 

[Oracsbox]

Siege of gay Parieeeeeeee

Playthru Day 2

Something happened previously... I forgot what... anyway moving on.

I need to find a weak point in the Paris walls so the Vikings can attack safely and not hurt anyone.

TikTok tells me of the greatest smuggler in 'Fronce' who can help me, she also tells me she's a lesbian, and her girlfriend.. (as previously mentioned in a post above by the esteemed codexer Atchodas ) ..I have no idea why she tells me this or why it's of any importance.

As the conversation ends another Viking wombyn whom I've never noticed before, tells me I stink of crow shit and French piss !

Now if this happened in reality, I believe I would have punched her repeatedly in the face until her skull shattered, or extracted her eyeballs and made her eat them, perhaps smashing her knees with a hammer and then scalping her or if I was in a good mood, allowed my ships crew to rape her until she died... However my character just stands there.. and then walks away.

So off to find the sexy lesbian smuggler..

(Above) Expectation

(Below) Reality

Thankfully I now get to do several puzzles, because who wants to Assassinate anyone in a game about assassins.


Important information..Nuns..

Don't discourage this brave man, I'm dying to know what happens to the warrior nun twins.

I have no idea, they disappeared. I'm assuming they're having lesbian sex.

Later..

I can't quite remember what happened next but I'm sure it involved puzzles.

I meet Count Odour in an attempt to end the siege, I ask him to give all his money and belongings and land to the Vikings so they can peacefully leave but he rather rudely says no.

The siege begins !
I kill a few people and then something goes wrong, not sure what? but the Vikings are losing, ..and then the wombyn Viking who insulted me previously gets killed by Count Odour


..rather bizarrely I think this was supposed to be a sad moment.. I laughed.

I do a few puzzles and then The Vikings win.


Wait.. wait..nearly forgot, I also drop a colossal cross on top of a bishop killing him

Siegfried and Roy kills some women and children in a church, because toxic masculinity.

King Charles the Overweight arrives and gives lots of silver and land to the Vikings and everyone is happy... except Count Odour.

We have a party
I get to race a pig and then throw cheese at a wall !
..at which point the manlet Pierre asks me if I want to have homosex, I look for the option to gut him like a fish and spread his entrails around the courtyard...it's not available..instead I just say "no thankyou"

I kill Siegfried and Roy , he was upset about something not sure what, as I'm skipping the dialogue as fast as possible, everyone seems fine with his death.

TikTok is now the chieftness of all the Vikings, despite doing absolutely fuck all.

So finally the end... and nope there's more..

I have to rescue Queen Thingy again...
I intend to strike fear in my enemies by appearance alone.. so off I ride, on my flower covered Reindeer whilst wearing a blackface Egyptian mask dressed in only my undergarments...

The Queen is about to be burned at the stake !

As I sit down and enjoy myself watching the bitch burn go to save her.... the Bishop I previously killed by squashing, using the biggest cross I've ever seen ... suddenly arrives for a return fight !


I kill him again, however I needn't have bothered, because GOD arrives !!!



GOD speaks ! instant rainstorm ! this puts out the fire and her rope bonds snap apart as she walks free, everyone bows down and prays to her because wombyn are amazing. I am ignored.

Finally I must face Charles The Fat Cunt.. Queen Saint asks me not to harm him as he's only killed and tortured a few thousand people including children, apparently it's not his fault, as he's mental.

However before a boss fight we must have a puzzle, finding keys..

Finally, finally.. I have the option to kill or save him..

Boss Fight Spoiler

Charles fears fire, so I use fire arrows..no... Ok a fire sword... No.. A simple flaming torch? ..no.. Ok what then? You have to position him directly in front of a brazier and push him on it, otherwise he is indestructible

A few moments later I am pissing on his corpse..

The Queen says I'm evil for killing him and hopes I die alone, but otherwise it's fine as wombyn now rule the world and all the straight white men are dead.

Soooo.... Do I do the side missions

 

[S.H.O.D.A.N.]

Was AC always this bad in terms of historical fanfiction? I remember the first one was mostly crusaders baaaaaad, and the second shat on Alexander VI, Savonarola and the Byzantines, but Valhalla seems to be the result of brain damage levels previously considered terminal.

 

[Raghar]

When I'd do this I'd write it differently. Assassin would have to do missions to destabilize Carolinian empire, and help Arnulf to get agreement with czechs to assist him with forcing Charles out of leader position. Queen be shown naked after burning of her clothes, and would leave pissed on Charles he believed these lies.


The ending would show Charles sobbing. Then there would be a scene with chief of the abbey talking with queen about what would happen in next few years, and saying each country has different needs, it didn't work well for long when they were unified under one empire, and they trained inheritor too late. The queen would say Charles got back his common sense, but he wouldn't be alive long enough to meet him again.

Then there would be scenes with czechs and bavarian troops entering east Frankia and occupying parts without fight. (or with short fight on places where assassin screwed up negotiations)

The ending would be with one of future leaders of divided empire, saying we need to finish some loose ends, then use an ax to slash throat of that woman who in the beginning started the whole story by trying to seduce assassin to go after Charles. Following with words... "it has to be done, now nobody could link us to Charles demise." It's obvious, the assassin was conned, and the whole invasion threat was incredible BULLSHIT.

I think there should be follow up with him covering her with cloak and patting her on hair before fully covering her body.
(If the scene with killing her was before credits, credits should roll over this scene after killing her and his final words. And there should be a scene with 3 guards who were tasked with burying of that body, and from theirs gestures it should be obvious they are talking about chance of them being buried after they bury the body, and about being hanged if they mistreat the body or steal something from it. I think it's easy to write somewhat funny dialogues about guards that don't wanna arse themselves with treating body nicely, but they would be hanged when they don't. Including a scene with a guard who is robbing the body of a shoe on a reflex, notifying of his kleptomania, and putting shoe back on the body.)

Ending scene would be a text on black screen saying: "We don't know if Ranulf II died of natural causes, or if he was killed by people who blamed him as one of people who destroyed big empire, empire which obviously must be better than they have because it was big... Or perhaps he learned from Charles the Fat that ruling is stressful and stress from ruling for too long would destroy his marriage. Spend year by stabilizing the country, preparing position for new ruler, then put 20 years younger Charles the Simple to ruling position, staged his own death and lived happy life with his wife and his friends.

We don't know, too many witnesses were buried."

(Or perhaps text: There are no lose ends. In a year before Charles the simple ascended to throne, Ranulf II made sure that all traces that could lead to Charles the Simple were severed.0

But of course, story like that needs brain, some artistic talent, and more historic knowledge than "There were Vikings in France during that era. And Vikings are popular."

 

[Tyrr]

Was AC always this bad in terms of historical fanfiction? I remember the first one was mostly crusaders baaaaaad, and the second shat on Alexander VI, Savonarola and the Byzantines, but Valhalla seems to be the result of brain damage levels previously considered terminal.

That's why I liked Odyssey best. It doesn't takes side with Athens or Sparta and is also the perfect setting to go fantasy.

 

[Atchodas]

Was AC always this bad in terms of historical fanfiction? I remember the first one was mostly crusaders baaaaaad, and the second shat on Alexander VI, Savonarola and the Byzantines, but Valhalla seems to be the result of brain damage levels previously considered terminal.

That's why I liked Odyssey best. It doesn't takes side with Athens or Sparta and is also the perfect setting to go fantasy.

A woman in ancient Greece Olympics

 

[Tyrr]

Was AC always this bad in terms of historical fanfiction? I remember the first one was mostly crusaders baaaaaad, and the second shat on Alexander VI, Savonarola and the Byzantines, but Valhalla seems to be the result of brain damage levels previously considered terminal.

That's why I liked Odyssey best. It doesn't takes side with Athens or Sparta and is also the perfect setting to go fantasy.

A woman in ancient Greece Olympics

When you play as male (why wouldn't you?), there are no women participating in the Olympics. I think there is even a quest about a female audience member sentenced to death (just for watching). The game acknowledges that there was no gender equality in ancient Greece. It's not like Valhalla with female vikings everywhere.

If you choose to play as female, you choose fantasy and can't complain.

 

[Atchodas]

Female is Odyssey canon character(same as in Valhalla) and she participates in olympics

 

[<3sRichardSimmons]

I barely played the first Assassin’s Creed, but I distinctly remember “saving” a monk who was for some reason being bullied Richard the Lionheart’s soldiers (by brutally murdering them). After the soldiers were all dead, the monk turned to me and said, “I wish my sons were as brave as you. I will be sure to tell them all of your heroism and raise them in your example”.

So yeah I don’t think historical accuracy has ever been a priority for this franchise.

 

[Mikeal]

Maybe he became monk after having sons?

 

[<3sRichardSimmons]

Maybe he became monk after having sons?

Maybe he became monk after having sons?

Aside from the fact that most 12th century monastic orders would have prohibited any sort of conversation with a person outside of their order (especially about non-ecclesiastical matters), it’s exceedingly unlikely that someone with children would enter a monastic order since it would functionally constitute abandonment and also prohibit any contact. Most monks in the 12th century were brought into the order as children. There were some adolescents that would choose to enter monastic orders as well, but they were much fewer in number. I don’t think there’s much hard evidence on this, but I would guess the amount of fully-grown men entering monastic orders was well less than .1%.

Edit: Lionheart’s soldiers bullying a monk also strains credulity. There would have been very severe repercussions for anyone caught doing so during the Crusades.

 

[Oracsbox]

Historical accuracy has always been dodgy in Assassins Creed, initially just to be edgy and muh subvert expectations, now it's just about progressive idealogy.

I still have no idea what the point of the Assassins is? (muh freedom) Other than to keep wrecking the Templars attempt to build a safe ordered society.
Assassins Creed Rogue where you play as a Templar, pretty much showed the Assassins were completely brain dead and dangerous worthless thugs.

I enjoyed them tho', and yes they are poppamole, but they were fun poppamole.

Assassins Creed Unity was probably the high point of the original concept, the graphics were fantastic (still are), Animations, climbing, asassination abilities, customization, everything looked and felt great.

The combat was refined and needs timing to succeed, movement, gadgets all work great.. But it shipped as a buggy mess, and damaged the brand badly, they'd never be this ambitious again because of it.

Level design was thought out and you could be very creative in how you killed the targets

By the way I played it only recently.. now it's fully patched and I didn't suffer any issues and it's still mechanically the best Creed game.

Syndicate was simplified Unity, it still looks great and the combat system is fun but it is a simpler less ambitious game, the grappling hook was a big mistake and makes the game too easy, and the newly arrived muh stronk wombyn characters gets tiresome.

The actual player character Evie isn't bad, she looks splendid and has a very good voice actress, it's just the sudden influx of female gang members and fighters that look absurd.

Historical accuracy is retard level.

Origins was great fun, but it isn't a classic Assassins Creed game, and the progressive bullshit is there with stronk female fighters etc.. The setting was cool, and I like Bayek, the mythical stuff was nuts but I didn't mind it.

Odyssey went full tard, every character is queer and needs to tell you they are, and tell you constantly.

The story is rubbish and makes no sense at all, and the concept of a female Spartan warrior is so stupid it still hurts my brain.

A noted historian Oracsbox proved conclusively wombyn warriors are rubbish...in two formidable academic papers available here
Entertainment is Dead : A critique in blue NSFW
And here
Entertainment is Dead : A critique in blue NSFW

Animations and AI are already less than what they used to be.

Despite this I still enjoyed playing the game, especially when no one was talking.

The combat systems are quite interesting and have far more depth than you might think, if you don't optimise and consider what you are using the game can be a chore with spongy enemies, however build correctly and that isn't an issue.. Check T7PDM on YouTube for builds.

Valhalla.. Is just shit, on every level, microtransactions up the ass, shit ugly characters, and crappy voice acting, especially by female Eivor, try hard wombyn Viking warrior crap.

Combat is terrible, requires no skill and has the same tedious kill animations again and again and again..

Animations in general are complete shit and are a massive decline from what they were.

The puzzles for everything, has to be the most cretinous decision Ubisoft has ever made, only a faggit or wombyn could have added it in.

AI is now non-existent.

The lazy design is evident in everything, for example ; when you fast travel to a high point in any previous Creed game, you'd simply do a leap of faith into straw below.. Now in Valhalla more often than not, you face the wrong way and can't even see the safe drop half the time.

Guard patrol routes have gone, you can't stealth anything, you can't double kill, you have no decent gadgets to use, these were staples of previous Creed games.

What really kills it tho' is the constant progressive bullshit, every wombyn is amazing, everyone is queer, men bad, immigrants good, natives bad, oh look another puzzle, gender fluid politics ! In a game about Vikings wtf!!!
Ah of course another puzzle, look at me I'm a gay wombyn....

I could write 50 pages on how stupid and offensive this game is.

Even when you rescue a wolf, the village children discuss whether or not it could be gay ! and No I'm not joking.

The next Creed will be unplayable, they've obviously pushed out everyone with talent at Ubisoft with the possible exception of the environmental artists who are still doing a good job, but other than that, it's over.

 

[good fucking shit happen]

That is a lot of words man. Here is my AssAssCreed experience summed up.

 

[ADL]

New expansion DLC leaked on some Asian retail sites.

The story takes place in the magnificent Nine Realms in the mythology of North, and here has been threatened by the invasion of the kingdom of frost and flames. The kingdom of dwarves in Wat Alheim is now falling apart; during the war, Odin's beloved son Badr was also unfortunately taken away by the immortal fire giant-Surut.

"Assassin's Creed: Valhalla"-Dawn of Ragnarok" is the most ambitious expansion pack in the history of this series: this time, Aivor must personally experience the fate of Odin, the war of the North and the destiny of the god of wisdom. The world of mythology, shouldering the urgent task of saving children, unleashing the brand-new supernatural power of the thunderbolt. After this shocking Viking legend, save your own flesh and blood before the gods are swallowed by the catastrophe.

The release date is March 10, 2022
https://old.reddit.com/r/assassinsc...ilers_ac_valhalla_new_dlc_has_been_leaked_in/

 

[Atlantico]

Why do they arbitrarily change some Nordic deities' names and not others? Because they're faggots is not incorrect, but more specifically?

(that they're epic mega-faggots is more specific, but that's not what I mean)

"Badr" is Baldr irl and "Surut" is Surtr irl.

There are alternative spellings, yes — but not the way they spell it here.

They didn't do this with the Greek mythology, in AC Odyssey, which was an actual good game for the most part. Except the DLCs which were worthless garbage.

 

[Larianshill]

New expansion DLC leaked on some Asian retail sites.

The story takes place in the magnificent Nine Realms in the mythology of North, and here has been threatened by the invasion of the kingdom of frost and flames. The kingdom of dwarves in Wat Alheim is now falling apart; during the war, Odin's beloved son Badr was also unfortunately taken away by the immortal fire giant-Surut.

"Assassin's Creed: Valhalla"-Dawn of Ragnarok" is the most ambitious expansion pack in the history of this series: this time, Aivor must personally experience the fate of Odin, the war of the North and the destiny of the god of wisdom. The world of mythology, shouldering the urgent task of saving children, unleashing the brand-new supernatural power of the thunderbolt. After this shocking Viking legend, save your own flesh and blood before the gods are swallowed by the catastrophe.

The release date is March 10, 2022
https://old.reddit.com/r/assassinsc...ilers_ac_valhalla_new_dlc_has_been_leaked_in/

They really, really wanted to make a God of War game

 

[cvv]

The story takes place in the magnificent Nine Realms in the mythology of North, and here has been threatened by the invasion of the kingdom of frost and flames.
Aivor must personally experience the fate of Odin, the war of the North and the destiny of the god of wisdom.

That's literally what's already in the base game. You can teleport into the mythologic world where gods live and you play as Odin trying to stop the invasion of frost giants. It's also the worst part of the game.

What the fuck.

 

[Heroic Liberator]

AC Odyssey, which was an actual good game for the most part.

Really? I do dig Greek mythology and classical period aesthetics, but I've avoided the game solely because it's a recent AC title. Should I reconsider and give it a try?

 

[Zeriel]

It's Ubisoft bro, recycling content is their brand.

 

[Zeriel]

AC Odyssey, which was an actual good game for the most part.

Really? I do dig Greek mythology and classical period aesthetics, but I've avoided the game solely because it's a recent AC title. Should I reconsider and give it a try?

It's a whole lot of filler. And depending on how autistic you are about historical accuracy the main story stuff might really piss you off. I found it fun in a visual sense, but I would never pay any money for it.

The historical minimode that is a musuem like tour of the gamespace without the retarded ingame story is pretty cool though.

All new AC games are kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't thing with the historical setting. The story and the setting as presented in the actual game is incredibly historically inaccurate and filled with wokeisms, but it's also probably the only AAA level game you're ever going to get with huge worlds with good art direction presenting ancient Egypt, Greece, etc. So if you just want to take a visual tour it can be okay from that perspective.

It's why I'm hoping for a AC Rome game even though I know their grasp of history will be retarded. (For one example, they literally got some Roman emperor names wrong in AC Valhalla's story.)

 

[Heroic Liberator]

It's Ubisoft bro, recycling content is their brand.

I don't really mind recycling if the game itself is decent (e.g. I prefer FC4 over FC3 due to its setting).

 

[ADL]

AC Odyssey, which was an actual good game for the most part.

Really? I do dig Greek mythology and classical period aesthetics, but I've avoided the game solely because it's a recent AC title. Should I reconsider and give it a try?

Odyssey is basically Witcher 3 with a Diablo style loot system and look up footage of the exploration mode which turns an above average experience into a super memorable one. I really like Odyssey and Valhalla.

 

[Heroic Liberator]

AC Odyssey, which was an actual good game for the most part.

Really? I do dig Greek mythology and classical period aesthetics, but I've avoided the game solely because it's a recent AC title. Should I reconsider and give it a try?

Odyssey is basically Witcher 3 with a Diablo style loot system and look up footage of the exploration mode which turns an above average experience into a super memorable one. I really like Odyssey and Valhalla.

Isn't it pozzed af though? I recall some footage showcasing ancient Greek characters looking Subsaharan tier.