The Holy City of Jerusalem Tour Guide Infopack
WARNING: The integrity of this information after a Direct-to-Brain download may be corrupted if done through Brain-Computer Interfaces manufactured by morally dubious megacorporations. Only trust organizations that care about family values and Christianity to perform any cybernetic implants such as any of the Public-owned Cybernetic companies in the Eternal League. If in doubt, just read and listen to it in the old-fashioned way instead, and consult our Public Healthcare services, now also extended to foreigners willing to free themselves from Corporate tampering* to their hormones, thoughts and bodies by privacy, thought and personhood infringing implants through covert Cyber-Trojans, Brainwashers and Biospywares.
*Jerusalem does not offer support for lawsuits against such violations of personal rights within the corrupted legal frameworks of Plutocracies due to their utmost futility.
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JERUSALEM, greatest spiritual bulwark and foundation of the Western Civilization, holy city to Christianity and Judaism, with a long and rich history of thousands of years of art, music, poetry, faith and conflict. The only city where religious tourism is 100% free* and where other forms of tourism have the highest cost-benefit ratio from the entire world due to the hospitality, modesty, temperance among other virtues of our Kingdom, furthermore, your privacy is deeply respected in Jerusalem, and there have been 0 crimes** registered since 2015, making Jerusalem the safest, cleanest and most beautiful, peaceful, moral and pure capital of the world.
*Exemption to fines for vandalism and littering, plus extravagant expenses not included.
**Kids taking apples from trees inside the backyard of retirees not considered for these impressive statistics.
For a start, the most common doubts:
Frequently Asked Questions about tourism in Jerusalem
1) IF I WANT TO GO FOR RELIGIOUS TOURISM/PILGRIMAGE, IS IT REALLY FREE?
Yes, 100% free, really. Of course the Magistratus Diurnata, or Ministry of Tourism, does not consider consumption of Alcoholic beverages, among certain other extravagant acts, part of a religious tour, and thus such are not included.
2) WHY IS NOBODY SPEAKING AMERICAN?
First, there is no language known as American. Second, other than robots and members of Ministri Barbarorum, and other State agencies of Jerusalem tasked with handling foreign affairs, most of the population of Jerusalem has Latin, German, French, Portuguese and/or Hebrew as the languages they know either as mother tongue or secondary and little time to resort on a language they rarely use in their daily affairs, and furthermore the language of a rapidly declining empire. Third, if you think the entire world must speak the same language as you, considering Jerusalem's Magistratus Diurnata policies include one about the the State of Jerusalem being above lying to please those who are rude, backwoods, ignorant, self-absorbed, jingoistic and religiously hypocritical among the inhabitants of the USA, if you are one of them, nobody will miss you not visiting this land because they don't speak "American", we don't really care about pandering to your whims.
3) BUT I WANTED BEER! IT GAVE ME 0 PROOF MALT SODA!
All drink serving machinery is programmed to limit anyone's daily consumption of alcohol to no more than the limit where ones stop being sober and gets slightly tipsy, for alcohol opens the soul and the mind to corruption, violence and it also causes cirrhosis in the long term. However, we only inform on the label of the drink it lacks alcohol for the sake of honesty, for otherwise most tourists wouldn't even notice the difference because nobody ever realizes they are drunk, from how perfectly Ministri Vinum has replicated the taste of most alcoholic beverages. But if you really want a refund, just don't open the can or container with the drink you purchased and put it back in the machine, and the machine will return your gold coins.
4)WHY IS THAT MACHINE NO LONGER GIVING ME FOOD?
The cards you can buy for accessing food dispensing machines are first limited by calories and nutritional facts rather than hard currency, and because Jerusalem would never want to greedily make your personal income thinner and yourself fatter, which naturally would be detrimental to you later, we limit how much calories, fat, etc tourists can trade per day. However, you can replenish the limit by connecting the card to a personal vital and activity sensor and doing some workout, and healthier foods will make the limit last longer. If you are willing to allow the card to read your fat to muscle index, it will change its settings to what is best for your health. Remember, the longer you live healthily, the happier your family will be.
5) WHY ARE MY OMNIVENTURES CREDIT AND/OR DEBIT CARDS NOT ACCEPTED IN HERE?
Wow? Do you live under a rock? Go read some news. Short Version: Jerusalem and Omniventures will never, ever get along.
6)ARE WOMEN FORCED TO ADHERE TO STRICT DRESS CODES OR DISCRIMINATED?
Unless you believe being forbidden to have the genitalia and nipples exposed is a "strict dress code", no. Do not believe in everything foreign "journalists" funded by corporations claim. As for discrimination, no, it does not exist. A few of the best public servants of the League are women, but they are not given any slack for the sake of a delusion of equality, and must undergo the same standards as men in any kind of exam, physical or otherwise.
7) I AM AN ATHEIST, PROBLEM?
As long as you don't put a fedora and a scarf on and behave like an imbecile trying to start fights with random people, no. And if you behave like an aggressive and uneducated imbecile without a fedora and scarf you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for disturbing the peace too.
8) THIS CITY SUCKS LIKE A BUNCH OF BIBLE THUMPERS! WHY SHOULD I VISIT JERUSALEM INSTEAD OF PROSPERIA?
For a start, you won't have to sell organs to pay for your trip back home at the end of your vacations because here nobody will suck your entire savings dry(we will even be nice enough to not allow you to commit the mistake of wasting more money than you can afford), and then, our population is far more friendly, peaceful, serene and respectful than what you would find in that hive of scum and villainy, and Jerusalem is much more clean and less overcrowded too. Furthermore, you don't need to fear the meal you are about to eat is made of human flesh, mutant abominations and/or some hideous reprocessed sewage and you won't be hooked on mind-enslaving drugs if you come visit here instead. Plus it is better for your soul and we provide 100% free and Universal Healthcare, 100% free public transportation, 100% safety, 100% privacy or your money back*.
*No deposits to Omniventures bank accounts.
9) WHERE ARE THE BITCHES AT?
Prostitution is illegal in Jerusalem. However, we do offer marriage matchmaking services if you are willing to take the vows. Remember: there is more to a relationship between man and woman than sex and this is a very serious responsibility to not be taken lightly due to carnal drive.
10) I AM HOMOSEXUAL, AND I AM WASTING MY TIME ASKING SOMETHING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO
Actually, no, you are not wasting your time. What happens inside four walls among two consenting individuals is no business for any person, and there are no laws against private practice of same-sex intercourse. That is something only God can judge fairly, not us. Unfortunately some of our population is not sufficiently aware of how we should leave such intimate matters to God's judgement, thus discretion is advised. As long as you don't make justice to certain "flaming homo" stereotypes, you'll be welcome.
Highlights of Jerusalem(besides the obvious ones like the Church of Nativity, etc)
DIGITUS DEI, the impressive, needle-like tower that hosts the Magistratus Administratorum, the meritocratic government of Jerusalem based upon the Knights Templar. The scenic overlook on the topmost 777th floor is beyond equal, a must have for any tourist, specially those who like photography, and best of all, no admission fee. Plus, some people who visited the 777th floor 7 times swear they received a blessing, although such superstitions are not officially endorsed. And if you have the guts for it, there is a Bungee jump all the way down from the 777th, and parachute training as well.
MEMENTO IMPERIUM, a museum dedicated to the once world-spanning Imperium of Jerusalem, before the Age of Strife happened. Discover a History most of the world prefers to ignore or keep in footnotes with your own eyes, and purchase genuine full plate mails* and swords and other very authentic replica souvenirs, forged in the same way they were centuries ago, with the insignias of Jerusalem and of the Knights Templar, for a price much smaller than what you would expect. Furthermore, MEMENTO IMPERIUM in Jerusalem has a Magtube leading straight to MEMENTO IMPERIUM in Tel-Aviv, where you can feel like a sailor in the Age of Discovery by taking a ride on a restored Caravel from 16th Century Jerusalem.
*Original medieval gear are considered historical relics and not available for purchase.
SANCTAM SAPIENTIAE RESEARCH HOSPITAL AND MATRIX GAMES NEXUS, the only place in the world where God-approved, 100% transparent and documented, 100% Open-Source* cybernetics are available free of charge, featuring its own museum of Cybernetics. Furthermore, the Hospital also features servers with a Simulated Reality(or Matrix, if you prefer), used for optimizing and testing direct interfaces between mind and machine, and available for harmless fun Deathmatch/Coop/UFC-alike/Team Multiplayer/Whatever the people who got their time agreed with** where nobody dies or gets hurt for real*** during the Saturdays, no intrusive connection implants required****. Avoid sin in reality by pretending to do it in the Matrix, because God knows neither of us are perfect.
*Copyrights and patents are devoid of any legal worth in Jerusalem's jurisdiction
**The Matrix never forgets, so think wisely before any possible shameful display within it.
***Rated 16+ due to realistic violence. Whether pain simulation and/or smell will be on or off is informed by the server admin before the game starts. No complaints about not listening to the notices on these two details will be accepted. People with low pain tolerance are not advised to participate of violent matches in SR with pain on, but merely watch them as spectators. Feelings in simulated reality have no harmful side effects, and help people toughen up psychologically for real life.
****Non intrusive connections are affected by a near imperceptible lag.
ABANDONED SECRET CHAMBERS BENEATH JERUSALEM. Do you like spelunking? Do you like mystery? Do you listen to radio shows about unusual subjects and paranoia that might be justified? If any of those are true, you'll be very interested in these. Were they very ancient? Were they used until very recently, and abandoned as the League began to crack down heavily on secret societies that could be conspiring against them? Who knows? There are certainly some rarely seen occult symbols down there, preserved as evidence that in the past, there were things going down in Jerusalem, things kept beneath the eyes of almost everyone. There are also rumors of ghost and demons* lurking there even now, waiting for the traitor legions that once conspired together with them to come back.
*Don't worry, specialized security will ensure you complete safety during the tour. Just remember to never, ever get away from the group. If you explore the catacombs alone, you're on your own.
BELLUS RAFAEL TEST AREA, for all those who love guns. Get your hands in just developed firearms, including TN-tech ones, and give them a try, for this place is open to the public. And of course you can buy both experimental* and tried and tested armaments from a .77 cal Excidium Minor pistol to Trans-Newtonian Pneumatic Sledgehammers. No age restrictions.
*Provided you sign a waiver for any potential consequences of trying a not fully tested armament technology.
JERUSALEM AEROSPACE PORT, where the cheapest yet safest space travel on Earth is available and affordable for anyone, an excellent way to finish your vacations in style. For the moment there are no public destinations in outer space, but we have great plans for it you will definitively love to be a part of, whether for a short time, or permanently.
HOTEL NOT SO LUXE ANYMORE, because we believe the best way to make people less prone to sin is by eliminating sin altogether, and is there any better way to get rid of envy than one whirlpool in every home and gold-plated chapels to inspire those who have the faith? Trans-Newtonian tech may have scarcity problems of its own, but we believe there is a better paradigm than to let only a handful live in the lap of excessive debauchery at the expense of everyone else, and you'll be under the same standards of housing and living as anyone else in the League. I hope this won't bother you.
If none of these facts convinced you why Jerusalem is the most cost-effective and fun tourist spot, then to Hell with you because we don't really need your money like a bunch of Mammon-worshiping moguls!
