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Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the eastern front, the Celestial formation identifies as the Imperial Vietnamese Guard has managed to force a small dent in the lines of Boeremag 8.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the southern front, the Omniventures attacks have been repulsed, with bloody casualties to the 6th LTI and the 8th LTI. Boerestaat is certain that the lines will hold and the invaders, eventually, will be driven to the sea.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the northern front, the Commonwealth 14th LTA division was lured into an ambush. At least a third of the division has been destroyed, though both Boeremag 5 and 6 suffered serious losses as the Polish-Brits fought their way out of the trap.
GNN affiliates have confirmed that, artillery and air bombardment has destroyed, so far, at least three industrial complexes. Due to high population density, over fifty thousand civilians have also been killed.
In other news, the Miyoshi Transport Group of Celestial Empire, has launched a new freighter.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the eastern front, the Celestials have renewed their offensive. A fierce battle has raged for several days. 4th Imperial Armoured Division and the Imperial Vietnamese Guard have grievously paid for the ground that they have taken. Boeremag 6, 9, 10, and Boer Geweer 4, while also suffering serious losses, are still continuing the fight. Replacement troops have been sent to the area.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the southern front, the Omniventures troops have suffered further setbacks. 3rd LTI and the 10th and 11th LTA have been pushed back. Negligible losses for the Boerestaat forces.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the northern front, they have achieved a great victory. Boeremag 1, entrenched in the vast mining complex, encircled three Commonwealth formations that carelessly drove into the area: the 11th LTA, the 13th LTA and the 23rd Mobile Infantry Battalion. Only the stiff resistance of the Mobile Troopers allowed the armoured divisions to escape the trap, but Boerestaat forces, augmented by power-armoured garrison troops, extracted an extremely heavy price from them. The mining complex was nearly completely leveled in the fighting, and over ten thousand civilians lost their lives.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the eastern front, there is nothing to report.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the southern front, the counter-offensive to push Omniventures troops into the sea has been unsuccessful. Both sides suffered heavily.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the northern front, the Commonwealth troops overran the main military training facilities, which were destroyed in the fighting. Boerestaat troops are performing a fighting withdrawal to better strategic positions.
GNN affiliates have confirmed that Boerestaat air strikes caused some industrial damage to Omniventures. Meanwhile, losses both in human life and infrastructure inside Boerestaat have kept climbing. Nearly 200,000 civilians have lost their lives the conflict, so far.
In other news, the Miyoshi Transport Group of Celestial Empire, has launched a new colony ship. Omniventures also launched a space vessel of an unknown type.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the eastern front, the situation was fluid for a while, but the lines have now been stabilized. Several formations, both sides, suffered losses.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the southern front, the counter-attack has been called off, after suffering serious losses. It is hoped, that the counter-offensive, even if it failed to push Omniventures completely away, will prevent any further offensive from them.
Boerestaat Military Command reports that, on the northern front, there is nothing to report.
Air strikes between Omniventures and Boerestaat have continued to cause loss of life and industrial power on both sides.
Boerestaat Military Command has not issued any reports. GNN affiliates have learned that the news are quite bad for them. An anonymous source revealed to GNN that at least five entire formations have been completely lost. Significant portions of the country are now under enemy control.
In other news, the USSR has launched a new freight ship.
GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK - 12th FEBRUARY Y11
Latest news from Boerestaat tell of utter chaos. Celestial, Commonwealth and Omniventures forces have driven deep into the country. The remnants of the Boerestaat army have managed to put up only sporadic resistance. Civilian casualties have surpassed 300,000 lives. Some industrial centres have been burning for days, as there is no-one to put out the fires. It is only a question of days until Boerestaat must surrender.
GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK - 17th FEBRUARY Y11
Administrator Jacobus du Toit has just radioed the unconditional surrender of Boerestaat, in the hope of avoiding further loss of life. It is already well-known that there is no formal army since yesterday, when Polish-British Commonwealth forces caught the remains of the 18th Garrison Battalion and Boer Geweer 3, forcing their surrender.
Guns are now silent across South-Africa and the world awaits what will happen next.
It is already well-known that there is no formal army since yesterday, when Polish-British Commonwealth forces caught the remains of the 18th Garrison Battalion and Boer Geweer 3, forcing their surrender.
(um, that is to say, the humanitarian relief mission has been a stunning success! Boerestaat is saved, do not believe the lies about "fighting" told by degenerate dictators unconcerned with the sufferings of their subjects! Freedom and democracy has been restored, etc.)
Breaking news, International Humanitarian Peacekeeping Mission in Boerestaat a success.
Hundreds of thousands of communist saboteurs have been killed, order, water and electricity have been restored while Omnimed, Celestial and Commonwealth doctors are helping in combating Ebola around Kapstadt. Join us live with Channah Kravitz and Mr. Morden later today at 7 O'Clock Prosperia Time for a detailed report and interviews regarding both the humanitarian effort and the new snazzy spaceship just launched by OV Deep Space Ventures. Only at 7 P.M. on Omniventures News TV.
Also fuck I knew I overshot the date of the news. Let's just chalk that one up to Corporate Free Market Calendars being better.
They belong to the provisional government, as does all of the Boer infrastructure that survived the Marxist-Leninist acts of sabotage. Naturally the world powers involved in this peacekeeping operation are currently contemplating how to organize new elections to ensure democratic order and the free-market can be re-established ASAP in South Africa.
Results of Operation Maiestativus XII at Area 51: Dominatio I Power Armor
Operation MI-XII was a high-risk but successful endeavor planned shortly after information made it clear the complete collapse of Western Civilization in the United States of America after decades of decline. While much of the extra-official information about the facility known as Area 51 was far-fetched, other than for *redacted*, documents proving the autopsy of *redacted* and the prototypes for *redacted* which technology is too advanced to be immediately replicated because *redacted*, the operatives of Fraternitas Aciarium, amidst bloody leftovers of battles which according to a more detail-focused agent "there were over five thousand machetes laying on the floors of the bunker entrance amidst the remains of an insurmountable horde of savages", have managed to procure blueprints of a still prototypical power armor and jetpack technology that will allow the Eternal League to mass produce such rather than field them only to their best Special Forces, allowing regular infantry and Garrison units to become mobile infantry. Unfortunately, the discovery of *redacted* and the attack against the Fraternitas Aciarium Operatives by *redacted* have forced them to abort the operation earlier than planned, and two brave unsung heroes whose names remain classified have given their lives for the partial success of this operation by delaying the massive hordes of *redacted*, fighting these extremely frightening legions of *redacted* to the death and thus allowing the rest of the team to not only escape, but also collapse all entrances to X-51 with the means they had available, ensuring *redacted*, which, if allowed to procreate and gain access to the surface, could threaten the very survival of the human race, and they were so fast they could easily spread faster than WMDs attacks could stop them, but now, thanks to the bravery of the agents of the Fraternitas Aciarium, *redacted* will no longer be a threat to the future survival of humanity.
Area 51 is thus classified as a massive threat, and any attempts to gain entry to it would be extremely irresponsible and a crime against mankind, *redacted* were taken as measures to ensure nobody will be able to gain access to the facility and thus risk unleashing *redacted* into the world.
Radovan Karadzic and several high-profile individuals involved in the Bosniak genocide of the 1990s escape from Jail with the help of mysterious Balaclava-wearing invaders
This just in. The infamous Radovan Karadzic and several other Serbians serving long sentences for their involvement in the Bosnian genocide have been rescued by unknown criminals the police has for the moment few clues about their whereabouts or who rescued them. Some claim the extremely Islamophobic Aeternum Foedus Dei is responsible, but the government of Serbia has refused to answer to such unproven claims.
UPDATE: Border guards found unconscious due to tranquilizer darts near the border with (FYR) Macedonia, none of them seriously injured and estimated to recover tomorrow by the responsible doctor. Serbian government refuses to confirm Radovan Karadzic is no longer in Serbian borders but all points out the mysterious rescuers of Karadzic, clearly of international origin, have exfiltrated him.
UPDATE #2: Radovan Karadzic officially given political asylum in the Eternal League of God. Serbian government issues statement condemning the League for breaching their national sovereignty, no responses given from the League's government as they insist to have nothing to do about it, but refuse to extradite the aging Karadzic.
UPDATE #3: Other Serbian war criminals in the League sighted in a military airplane together with regular Jerusalem soldiers, armed to the teeth by anonymous photographer who took photos and recorded a short video of them, with one of them playing an accordion and another singing an Yugoslav war song. Rumors circulate that Karadzic was hired as a military consultant for the Foedus Dei. Mega-Kebab Corp strengthens border defenses and several Pro-Islam, Pro-multiculturalism and Islamic organizations issue statements condemning the Eternal League, accusing them of "making preparations for a Second Muslim Holocaust". New Fatwa issued against the League calling all Mujahideen to "expel the infidels from Mecca and Medina".
It is now 7 P.M. time for the latest top stories on Omniventures News TV.
music:
Channah Kravitz: Operation Shield of Freedom has achieved its goal of stabilizing Boerestaat, in a large part thanks to the success of Omniventures Amphibious Assault. The valiant PMC companies employed by Omniventures have successfully lured the enemy troops into a trap, ensuring that Commonwealth and Imperial allies could use their rapid mobility units to wreck havoc amongst the flanks of the communist-infiltrated Boer Army. OmniDefence High Command claims that results are "satisfactory, though not optimal" claiming that too much effort has been put into building up an effective deterrent sacrificing pre-emptive first strike capability.
Channah Kravitz: Still High Command is satisfied with the defensive and purely peaceful measures taken in the past few years, as a communist counter-offensive by marxist boer generals was utterly crushed by troops armed with Samson Power Armor and Ares Arsenal Munitions Helios 3c Laser Rifles. Ares Arsenal stock prices have risen sharply due to the performance of their hardware in the recent conflict, which has shown just how valuable T-N weaponry is. Only known casualties of the failed and laughable amphibious offensive into Omniventures Island are a cat named Spot and two pet canaries. A fourth casualty, a Jericho Sewer Rat, has veterinarians fighting for its life after getting hit with a piece of shot down Boer aircraft.
Channah Kravitz: Meanwhile in Boerestaat the crowds take to the street celebrating that diversity, the free-market and of course democracy have been saved from the communist-sympathizing ousted government. Elections are to take place in three months, with formerly exiled and living in Prosperia Boer opposition leader and industrial mugol Anele Venter, head of Agrogene before the omniventures takeover of that company, taking the seat of interim Prime Minister until that time. Omniventures, Commonwealth and Imperial advisors will aid him and his cabinet in restoring freedom and prosperity to South Africa. Many cheered the arrival of Mr. Venter by blowing the traditional south african instrument known as the vuvuzela in his honor at the Kapstadt airport.
Channah Kravitz: Meanwhile the situation is normalizing in Boerestaat, as power, water and medicine become once again available in ample quantities thanks to the free market. Finally Kapstadt and the citizens of the Veldt can sleep safe and sound, knowing that their freedom is not threatened by communism.
And now for our interview with Mr. Morden.
[cue transition music]
Channah Kravitz: Mr. Morden, thank you for joining us in the studio today. Now can you tell me what the roadmap for South Africa after operation Shield of Freedom, is?
Mr. Morden: A pleasure as always Channah, I wouldn't miss an opportunity to see you again here in the studio. As for the recent Boerestaat crisis, the plan is simple. Mr. Venter will head the government in Kapstadt until elections in June. In the meantime it is expected he will abolish many of the vile socialist restrictions on free trade within Boerestaat along with other remnants of legislative marxist taint. A bright new future awaits South Africa, one of entrepreneurship, freedom, peace and prosperity.
Channah Kravitz: What about communist elements still present in Boerestaat?
Mr. Morden: Rabid dogs need to be put down, our Auditors and consultants from the Commonwealth and Celestial Empire are working tirelessly to eradicate the remnants. Sabotage by Kremlin-sponsored fiends is the biggest danger to the people of Boerestaat, they have suffered enough and the peacekeeping forces will ensure peace prevails.
Channah Kravitz: Right, enough of the Boer. What about the new DSV ship? What is it and where did it go?
Mr. Morden: Next thursday, wait and see. Though I am sure some of the journalist speculation on the subject has been correct at least partially. We're witnessing the birth of a new age of prosperity, unshackled by the bounds of our planet and market inteventionism. It will be beautiful, though maybe not as beautiful as you Channah.
Channah Kravitz: [she blushes] Why thank you, but I rather thank Succubus Beauty products for my appearance, now with extra new pheromones. Succubus, helping you seduce your way into his pants and the wallet inside them! But back to business, what about the recent League claims?
Mr. Morden: The raids? A crack team of quote "specialists" breaking out some diversity-hating hick from Serbia and stealing technology that could be bought off the market for years, from a decaying old abandoned base in a country that is falling apart? Is that really the best those zealots can do? Honestly? Perhaps their efforts would be better spent on supplying enough toothpaste to the masses of their citizens suffering from halitosis. Or producing more toilet paper as you can't even get that there. Truly sad such a poor communist state is wasting its time and few resources on ventures from a cheap action B-film.
Boerestaat has been occupied by Celestial Empire of Greater East-Asia, Omniventures Incorporated and the Polish-British Commonwealth.
Private Celestial corporation - Miyoshi Transport Group - launched a small freighter, three colony ships and a large freighter.
USSR launched a new freighter, identical to the earlier ones.
Omniventures launched a new ship, that is different from their earlier two, by being vastly more massive.
One of the Akagi-class ships has been repainted in Commonwealth colours, and started doing regular runs between Earth and Mars.
Yates Transport Limited, operating from the Commonwealth, launched a Fuel Harvester. As Yates has no other ships, stock market analysts assume that Yates has scored a refueling contract with Miyoshi. With a max speed of 184 km/sec, it will take quite some time for the ship to reach a Sorium-rich gas giant.
In April, Earth ran out of Gallicite.
Also in April, Yates launched a second Fuel Harvester.
In May, Miyoshi launched a Fuel Harvester as well.
Also in May, telescopes confirm that Commonwealth is constructing a domed base on Mars.
In July, Yates launched a civilian freighter.
Game stopped at beginning of August, as I'm waiting for input from several players.
Omniventurian Civilian Space companies prove the free market is a failure as they seem to have blown all the jewgold from DSV economic stimulus/quantitative easing into Ukrainian Deathmatch rigging betting and Macharaah ladyboy hookers. FUCKING FED AND BERNACKE TOLD ME THIS SHIT SHOULD WORK YO!
LAUNCH A FUCKING SHIP ALREADY YOU DROOLING RETARDS.
Why, old chap, you need to get some colonies first, so as to properly trigger the advanced socioeconomic magjifiks that spawn civilian ships out of juicy Yehudza. Better speed up the "Opportunity" project, I say, and get those cryogenic freezing chambers on-line at once! Without destinations for your corporations to rape and ravageutilise and develop, there is simply nothing out there in hopeless old space for the almighty invisible hand to guide all that wealth, freedom and prosperity towards!
This is why Greater East Asia made it such a priority to colonise Luna and Mars right from the beginning. "Wasteful", the communists jeered, making fun of our glorious luxury liner Tengoku Maru, continuing to push for their ghastly state-built freighters instead. "Disorganized", "extravagant", they cried, as we set up lovely pleasure domes for our upper-echelon citizenry, content instead to haul their heavy loads like the unimaginative proles they are!
Now, mere months later, holy CAPITALISM itself hauls our loads for us! As an added bonus, our shipyards are free to pursue far more worthwhile designs such as the new Akagi Mk2, even more brilliant and luxurious than its first incarnation!
Oh don't worry, communist saboteurs and league sympathizers within said civilian space companies have already been detected and terminated. All thanks to the invisible hand of the free market.
The first colonists should arrive soon(tm), to a better life on a better world in SPACE.
In August, Yates launched a colony ship and another fuel harvester.
Yates Large Freighter-1 makes the record books by being the slowest spacefaring vessel with a TN-engine, reaching the stunning speed of 53 km/sec. At least their colony ships reach almost 700 km/sec velocities.
Also in August, a small protest in the Celestial colony of Luna happens. Roughly a hundred colonists protest the crowded conditions of the colony.
Soviet Union launched a fourth freighter.
In September, satellite imagery revealed that the Irkalla Collective had build an Planetary Defence Centre.
Also in September, Yates launched a L1 class Spaceliner and Eisenstark Carrier Lines from Omniventures, launched a colony ship. It's faster than the Yates one, as it's capable of 970 km/sec. Eisenstark also launched, a week later, a small freighter, and a week after that, a spaceliner.
In October, both Yates and Eisenstark launched new ships. The former a colony ship and the latter a small freighter. Then, a week later, Eisenstark launched another space liner and a small freighter.
Fucking sensor contacts. In the next game, all players will have 10 tracking stations at the start, so the game won't be interrupted all the time as contacts disappear and re-appear.
Also in October, the Soviet freighters alter their routine of sailing between Earth and Venus, and began runs from Earth to Luna and back. In just few days, all sorts of sensors confirmed that a Soviet Lunar Colony was now under construction.
Ugh, I wanted to finish Y11 but I'm on October 26th now and sleepy as fuck, so that's it for tonight and I'll continue over the weekend.
See! Capitalism fixes itself, check mate commies! Eisenstark - strong as iron, fast as lightning!
Also I don't like all this League silence regarding space, as backwards as the League is I am sure they are plotting to fluoridate our precious bodily fluids.
The Imperial Herald ***BREAKING NEWS*** Prosperity-Net, Commlink and RK-Jack Broadcast
Project Prosperity unveiled at Peace Ceremony!
Welcome to the Imperial Herald, hallmark of professional, uninhibited and objective journalism! We are reporting live from the stunningly beautiful Peace Ceremony at Hakuto Mountain Base, the recently constructed, multi-billion nuyen Imperial Army training centre situated along the Chōsen-Manchukuoan border. During the last two days we have enjoyed much celebration of East Asian achievements, traditional celestial values and our great perseverance in establishing permanent universal peace. Culminating these majestic proceedings is the much-anticipated unveiling of Project Prosperity, which is soon to be delivered by none other than His Imperial Majesty the Emperor, in all His Majestic Person!
This is truly an unprecedented honour, and the Herald naturally expects all citizens to relish this grand moment and praise its glory for the rest of their lives!
In addition to the many East Asian officers, ministers, company heads and illustrious members of the nobility who currently attend the ceremony, several foreign dignitaries, most notably from the Luso-Brazilian Star Empire and Polish-British Commonwealth, have been invited to the proceedings as honoured guests of His Imperial Majesty. Currently seen conversing with His Imperial Highness the Crown Prince, our Minister of Technology and Heavenly Enlightenment, are Catherine Mountbatten-Windsor, Leader of His Majesty's Party, and Ambassador Token from the Free Democratic Boerestaat. Present also are representatives from global enterprises such as SMA Fleshcrafting and our good friends Omniventures Inc, not to mention their associates Ares Arsenal Munitions, ZionTech Industries and AbomiWheat - your number one choice for healthy and delicious nutrition!
Her Imperial Highness the Crown Princess and her beloved daughter also made an appearance today, waving to our delighted viewers from behind the fully-transparent, laser- and ballistic-proof Corbomite Shield™, courtesy of Mitsui Security and Defence. Shining like pure beacons of graceful and subdued beauty and embodying all the sacred virtues of proper femininity, the celestial pair served as an inspiration to women of all ages everywhere. Their exquisite matching necklaces, crafted from exceedingly pure Mercassium from the recently-developed comet Tempel-1, are predicted to soar in demand on the free markets, as all ladies of refinement will seek to emulate this magnificently sublime fashion statement. Comet minerals, ladies and gentlemen - gold, platinum and Earth-based minerals are so yesteryear!
As you no doubt recall, the young Princess further captivated the viewers with her gentle disposition as she held a solemn memorial service for little Spot, the brave cat martyr whose cruel death at the hands of vile Boerestaat insurgents touched the hearts of millions, if not billions of people across the world. The general outcry prompted the House of Peers to take firm action, resulting in the recent legislation elevating all cats and kittens to the status of patron animals of the Empire, rendering discourteous treatment of felines subject to a Class A Felony and thus punishable by death by cyber-negro. Nevertheless, many cats still suffer indignities at the hands of savages, not least in the depraved French Caliphate - the struggle for greater cat justice has only just begun.
Help the Imperial Spot Foundation serve cat justice!
YOUR donation could help SAVE felines everywhere!
Assembled in perfect unison to stand guard before our Heavenly Sovereign are also hundreds of thousands of Imperial soldiers, ranging from members of the conventional forces and heavily armoured TN-garrison troops to the versatile Mobile Gosuko Infantry, of which the Chemical Warfare Battalion was recently honoured for its commendable performance during Operation Shield of Freedom. Also present are the Assault Infantry, some of whom can already be seen wielding the brand new Type 47 Turbo Laser Assault Rifles, as well as the black-clad Kempeitai Special Forces, known to utilise the very latest in cybernetic enhancements and smart-link weaponry. Formation after formation of our loyal peace-keepers spread out across the training grounds and adjoining valley behind the base, in what can only be described as a breathtaking, majestic display of East Asian commitment to peace, love and security!
And with that brief and thoroughly informative introduction, it appears the historical address is about to begin! Without further ado, His Imperial Majesty:
The Emperor: Dear subjects, honoured guests! We, by the Grace of Heaven, Son of the Sun Goddess, Emperor of the Celestial Empire of Greater East Asia, seated on the Throne occupied by the same Dynasty from time immemorial, have always deemed it essential for the safety and well-being of our Yamato race to promote Our Empire by means of peaceful expansion and benevolent diplomacy, without injury to the rights and interests of other sovereign powers and free enterprises. This Imperial Peace Ceremony, and the vast amount of friends and allies gathered here today, is truly testament to the validity of this fact.
Regrettably, not all share our noble vision for harmonious world peace. There are forces at work who propagate anger and dissent, sponsor revolutionary terrorist activity and sow chaos among the masses of the world. This they do to undermine and overwhelm the lawful order, and while it is painful to admit, this attack on freedom sometimes necessitates limited use of force to remove such weeds from our garden of life, to purge these obstacles to world peace and take a few lives so that millions upon millions can be saved.
One power that has been particularly exposed to aggression is the United States of Kwanzania. Its infection has spread so quickly during the past years that it has warped the very fabric of its being. The Johannes administration has long-since departed the country, leaving it to the wolves, and through the flames of civil war emerges a new, cruel Kwanzania, governed no longer by a democratically elected government, but a multitude of ravenous factions, all bent on devouring everything in their path by means of extreme force. The procurement of guest workers, our arms and recreational pharmaceutical trade and indeed, our efforts to enrich and aid our Kwanzanian friends on the West Coast by providing them great opportunities and cutting-edge products, are now directly threatened by these barbarians, who seek to absorb our activities and even murder Imperial subjects.
Our race is under attack, our friends are suffering and our legitimate business interests are menaced. Intelligence secured by Kempeitai operatives further reveal that *highly dangerous* Trans-Newtonian weapons may also fall into the hands of these freedom-hating terrorists, which not only threatens the security of the Yamato people, but that of the entire planet. The lawfully elected President of the New California Republic - recently seceded in a most democratic fashion - has petitioned the Empire for admission into the Co-Prosperity Sphere and protection from these savages. Because of our commitment to benevolent diplomacy, we have accepted this plea, and as always, we will spare no expense protecting our friends and allies. Since our enemies are barbarians who are beyond being reasoned with, the guarantees for the future which the Celestial Empire would normally attempt to secure by peaceful negotiations will have to be achieved through an appeal to arms. This appeal to arms is the true essence of Project Prosperity.
The Chrysanthemum Throne, our mega-corporations, the New California Republic and all those who have pledged to Project Prosperity have together raised billions of nuyens, which we have wisely employed to bolster our Imperial Army. The forces you see before you - impressive in their own right - are but a fraction of our total strength! Our training facilities now handle three times as many recruits, and the Assault Infantry has been enlarged to four times its original size; this very installation is in fact a result of our innovative crowd funding campaign! With Project Prosperity, the great work initiated by Operation Shield of Freedom will be completed, and with peace secured, the races of man may then truly focus their energies outwards, towards the distant stars and their promises of wealth, freedom and prosperity for all!
Together with our good friends and allies gathered here today - who just like us seek to restore peace, order and profitability to Kwanzania - we are now finally ready to embark upon our righteous mission! Effective immediately, we therefore command our army and navy to remove all raiders, looters, rebel military forces, mutants, rape-apocalypse cultists, Roman re-enactment enthusiasts bent on crucifying alleged 'heathens', crazed fanatics and bloodthirsty guerrillas who menace and plague the New California Republic, as well as the rest of Kwanzania, until final victory is secured! It is Our earnest wish that by the supreme power of our allied forces, and indeed, the Imperial Assault Infantry, the blessed peace may soon be permanently restored to Earth and the glory of Our Celestial Empire and honoured allies preserved – forever!
TL/DR
Azn liburation of Kwanza launched together with chaps leik Poland-ball and Brozil!
At this very moment, GOOD GUYS™ are hard at work stopping the unstoppable! Pay attention, and learn how to combat the hordes of decline!
You, your family and your holy Kwanzanian clay CAN be saved - as long as YOU do your PATRIOTIC DUTY!
KWANZANIA UNDER SIEGE - EMPIRE TO THE RESCUE!
Listen up you stupid Kwan! Your God-given, inalienable rights are at stake! Your greedy politicians tuk your jobs, stuffed their pockets full of tax money and cast your whole country into an abyss of racial appeasement from which there is clearly no return. Emboldened by decades of positive discrimination, socialist hand-outs, "white guilt"-induced brainwashing and institutionalised battering down of once-fierce Kwanza males into docile, drooling prole-trash sheep, the predatory musky hordes spawned by your apathy and libruhal fedora-tipping are now running completely wild, threatening to overwhelm your entire nation!
Raiders, race-mixing cabals, crazed fanatics, escaped cyber-negro experiments*, guerrillas, botched trans-gender freaks seeking vengeance on society and vicious rape-apocalypse cultists roam the land with extreme fury! San Franscisco is on the verge of falling to the mutant horde, led by its abominable allegedly multi-headed Kaiserin Meadows!
*None of which Mitsui Bioengineering has had any involvement with whatsoever - these "cyber-negroes" are all pirated hack jobs!
As if all of this was not already bad enough, Los Angeles, the great metropolis of the West Coast, is now ravaged by more congoid fury than you would face while doing blackface shows in all of Africa combined! Looting, cannibalism, pleasure killings and human sacrifices in dark temples dedicated to tentacled negro gods, all to the incessant noise of machine-gun fire, rap music and the theme song for the Jeffersons. The enrichers are on the move, Kwans, and they encroach on YOUR property and YOUR freedoms!
So where are your elected leaders? Why, chum, President Johannes and his cronies are living the good life overseas, busily spending your Kwan-dollars in pleasure hubs, revelling in sexual escapades and feasting on endless supplies of juicy, greasy baby-meat and delicious FrankenWheat burgers! Such glorious consumerism was once YOUR privilege - but they have robbed you of your birthright! "Stoopid Kwan!", they now say, "what do we care if you go up in flames?! You should have listened when you had the chance!"
Now the prophets are long since gone, and neither Dr Paul nor Mr Blakemore are here to save you from destruction!
Fortunately, there IS someone else who can turn the tide, a righteous saviour schooled in traditional American values who still possesses sympathy for the little (big) man, and has the strength and courage to fight the decline! That man is Mr Herve Caen, the democratically elected President of recently formed New California Republic!
As the CEO of the successful Interplay Mega-Corporation, President Herve Caen is the leading voice of freedom and entertainment in what remains of California today. He has a proven track record of success, never having failed to profit from his own economic ventures, and he is a proven market raider second only to Mr Sanjay of Omniventurial fame! President Caen is also a staunch believer in Co-Prosperity, and enjoys the rare honour of being a close personal friend of the East Asian Emperor! With help from GOOD GUYS™ from across the Pacific, he is now fully determined to take back the clay of of the New California Republic and restore it to profitability!
Serve loyally, and you are guaranteed work, food, shelter, recreation and prosperity! Contribute in major ways, and YOU can even earn a place among the very elite in the Co-Prosperity Sphere! By the Grace of Heaven and the FREE MARKET, Western Kwanzania will be reborn!
TL/DR EBONICS VERSION For kwans with 'streamlined' IQ:
Yo crackaz, hear me hollah! - Daaaym nigguh look at all dem $$$$ flowin 'round! Guess wat --- dat how we roll in AZIA!
Da Emprah be 1 old-skool homey - big dawg who keeps yo safe from "da man", gives yo drugs 'n guns meyk U RICH! all u need to do? serve Emprah 'an put ur gunz 2 da niggs dat dont!
An yo! any nigga be talkin' shitz bout big dawg? sayin, "wtf bro! kick dat zippaheadd out!"
well holmes, u cant realy be snitchin on a snitch now can u - know ah' i sayin!?
so do yosealf a favore an Report dat shit! git yo maaaad blingz evan!!
/respect
Direct-translation using RK-Entertainment Azn-to-Ebonics Software™
Breaking news! Foreign troops have invaded Kwanzania from the south, west and east! Troops from Celestial Empire of Greater East Asia, Polish-British Commonwealth, and the Luso-Brazilian Star Empire have been sighted.
On the southern front, the 11ª DV Tanques Imperiais ran into the 684th Reserve Battalion and the Colorado National Guard. Heavy fighting ensued, in which both sides suffered moderate losses.
On the eastern front, the 11th LTA, spearheading the amphibious invasion of Massachusetts, suffered heavy casualties.
In other news, The Irkalla Collective have built a second PDC and Eisenstark launched a fuel harvester.
GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK - 6th NOVEMBER Y11
On the southern front, the Imperial attack seems to have stalled. 11ª DV Tanques Imperiais, 14ª DV Tatus Nucleares, 16ª DV Arráias Letais, 20ª DV Ultima Linha and 5º DV Força Expedicionária Portuguesa all suffered casualties, ranging from heavy to slight.
On the western front, the Celestial troops joined the attack. Biochemical Assault Unit and the White Russian Elite Army attempted to storm the defence line held by 2nd Infantry Division but their surprise assault was checked and beaten back with heavy casualties, while the Kwanzanians only suffered light casualties.
On the eastern front, the 13th LTA and the 26th Assault Infantry Battalion joined the invasion, only to suffer heavy losses.
In other news, Omniventures launched a second ship.
GLOBAL NEWS NETWORK - 11th NOVEMBER Y11
On the southern front, the 11ª DV Tanques Imperiais, 1ª DV Libertadores, 13ª DV Maquinas Guerreiras and 15ª DV Bandeirantes Espaciais suffered casualties while fighting the 1st Armoured Division and the 555th Reserve Battalion. The latinos paid a heavy price in blood for advancing.
On the western front, the 1st Imperial Armoured Division and the Japanese Imperial Guard joined the storming of Kwanzanian lines but without noticeable effect.
On the eastern front, the 10th and 13th LTA suffered light losses while the 27th Assault Infantry Battalion suffered heavy losses clashing with the Wyoming National Guard, that escaped envelopment attempts with only light casualties.
Those Machete rapegangs armed with kwanzanian powah ahmah may prove a bit difficult. Cassidy wasn't kidding when he compared the whole thing of fighting GARs with tanks to EUIII Tercios attacking a 1936 Garrison from HOI.
