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Catastrophe ahoy! Let's Play Eric The Unready

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,818
Divinity: Original Sin
Saturday: The Pig, The Farmer, His Daughter And Her Apples
Sunday: We're Knights of the Rhomboid Table...
Sunday: Le Morte De Fudd
Monday: The Not-So-Great Underground Empire
Tuesday: Eric Farts In Your General Direction
Interlude: Let's PLay Wheel of Torture!
Wednesday: A Day At The Fair
Wednesday: Raw Steak And Dragon Tartar
Thursday: Eric The Unready and the 72 Virgins
Thursday: The Gods Must Be Crazy
Friday: Swamp Trek: The Motion Picture
Saturday: Two Weddings and a Funeral


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Welcome to my LP of Eric The Unready! This is the last "text-hybrid" adventure Legend made before moving to a fully-graphical engine for all their later games, starting with Companions of Xanth. It's also IMO their finest game; being designed and written by Bob Bates, Legend's founder and also designer-writer of Timequest, definitely had something to do with it. Writing is top-notch, puzzles are perfectly balanced to be reasonably challenging without being frustrating, and the game is VERY funny. This is probaby the best parser out there - the sheer number of commands it can understand is staggering and proof that some designers do think of everything - the game has a funny response to just about anything you care to throw at it. I'll try to catch as many of these obscure (and boy are some of them obscure!) commands as I can. Needless to say, there will be a lot of kissing random people.

The introduction pretty much sets the tone of the game: Eric is a bumbling fool whose clumsiness is just as likely to get him the wanted result as it is to cause complete disaster. There'll be plenty of both in the game. In typical Legend fashion you can also kiss just about every NPC, but you can in addition moon many of them too. And mooning is even a required action to solve one of the puzzles. Yes, it's that kind of game.

Being the last game on this engine meant several improvements over the previous ones. The most important one is the extensive parser, but there are some nice minor ones too, such as support for playing both music through the Roland MT-32 and sound through a Sound Blaster (this is the only Legend text adventure to support both Roland music and digitized sounds). I'm also playing off the CD version of the game, which allows a display resolution of 640x480 at 256 colors for the static pictures, whereas all other games only supported 16 colors for the pics (though they could do 256 colors for the full-screen 320x200 animations, as you can see in Gateway).

I would at this point like to thank Crooked Bee who is the main inspiration for doing this, thanks to her awesome Gateway LP (which you should all check out). Since I haven't been able to use indentations I will also liberally steal her formatting style without permission or warning. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
...Never seen or tried this. Awesome.
 

lightbane

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Messages
9,267
Reminds me of Inspector Gadget, a well-intentioned guy that's extremely clumsy but thanks to dumb luck manages to win every time. I'll be following this...
 

Sceptic

Arcane
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Joined
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Messages
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Divinity: Original Sin
lightbane said:
Reminds me of Inspector Gadget, a well-intentioned guy that's extremely clumsy but thanks to dumb luck manages to win every time.
Well Gadget had his super-genius niece. And the dog. And he didn't leave a trail of destruction behind him. Otherwise yeah there are some similarities.

Darth Roxor said:
Reminds me of Horde :M
The games are completely unrelated, but yeah Eric and Chauncey share some character traits. Though Eric > Chauncey :M

DwarvenFood said:
Hmm Sceptic, welcome to the land of LP. Not my kind of game, but will follow just because it's you.
:? It's my sixth LP. You mean you haven't noticed any of the others? :( Ah well you're forgiven due to the nice words :love:

Jealous? :smug:

Anyway first update tonight.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
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Messages
10,818
Divinity: Original Sin
SATURDAY: THE PIG, THE FARMER, HIS DAUGHTER AND HER APPLES

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OK, so our first assignment is not exactly the heroic type... but hopefully it means Eric will be able to get it done without leaving a trail of death and destruction behind him.

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You may notice a marked difference from the Gateway UI. In fact, by default the UI looks identical, with the list of verbs and objects on the left. I like this one though (the "half", you can see the button in the top left) because it gives more space for the text. Besides the list of verbs is useless and the objects sometimes make things a ltitle too easy.

First oder of business is to look around at everything, which I will be doing in most every scene. I've actually decided not to copy Crooked Bee's system after all. Instead I'll indent all the game text, with the command input having the > sign before it. Let me know if this is hard to follow and I'll switch to something else.
  • >Look at the Barn
    The barn looks faded, tired and old - much like the farmer himself.

    >Look at the Privy
    The real estate brochure describes it as "An intimate rural outbuilding, full of rustic charm."
    By and large, the people of Torus regard real estate brochures themselves as being full of rustic charm.

    >Look at the door
    It's a creaky wooden door with a crescent moon cut into it. At the moment, the door is open.

    >Look at the moon
    Since time immemorial, people have been carving crescent moons on outhouse doors. No one knows why.

    >Look at the farmer
    He's a rustic old guy with a weathered face and a full beard. Something about the look in his eye makes you think he doesn't much care for city folk.

    >Talk to the farmer
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Unlike most Legend text adventures, this one doesn't let you "ask X about Y", instead you get a list of things you can ask. It actually works quite well here because NPC's have nothing important to say.

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Well that's that. The questions you can ask change if you talk to NPC's after having done something for them.

  • The farmer looks at you and says, "Well? I haven't got all day."
As promised, we're going to kiss everyone we encounter, starting with the farmer.
  • >kiss farmer
    You find yourself staring up at the farmer from flat on your back. "Nice try, city boy," he drawls. "Now get to work."
Also as promised, we're going to moon everyone with a response to it.
  • >moon farmer
    "Nice smile, but I think it's sideways. Now cover up your butt and get on with it."
And while we're on a roll with all the sex stuff...
  • >blow farmer
    This game has far too much class to respond to that input.
    [A voice offstage: "No it doesn't!"]
    It doesn't?
    [No!]
    Well, then. You remove all of the farmer's clothes and... No, no. I just can't do this.
    [Go on!]
    No. And that's final. You'll just have to buy a different game if you want that kind of thing.
    [Like one of the Spellcasting series?]
    Well, yes.
    [By Steve Meretzky?]
    Yes! Now go away! You're interfering with the game.
    [Right. Bye, then.]
Yeah, there's quite a lot of shameless self-promotion of the Spellcasting games in this one.

Anyway there's a bunch of funny stuff that you can do at any point in the game.
  • >kick eric
    You tape a big "KICK ME" sign on your back and settle in to wait. Sure enough, before too long a busload of high school sophomores shows up. They spend a few enjoyable moments booting you in the pants and blowing spitballs at you. But all too soon the fun is over - they take the sign, get on the bus, and roar out of sight.
WTF?
  • >kiss eric
    Congratulations! You win the Narcissist of the Month Award, breaking a string of 87 consecutive months when it was awarded to Madonna.
:lol:
  • >kill eric
    But without you this story would be so uninteresting. Would you really like to die?
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Well, we did insist...

Anyway the game has TONS of game overs. I'll try to catch them all, but there's so many I might miss some. Though it's not so cruel that you can get into a dead end, which is nice. For now, more random fun commands.
  • >kill eric
    But without you this story would be so uninteresting. Would you really like to die?
    >no
    That's better. Glad to see you're feeling more chipper.

    >shoot eric
    With what? Your finger?
    >yes
    You point your finger and say "Bang!" Somehow this has less than the desired effect.

    >shoot eric
    With what? Your finger?
    >no
    Darn good thing. It's not loaded.

    >push eric
    You give yourself a little shove. Surprised, you shove back. Angered at your response, you push yourself even harder than the first time. Things quickly escalate, and soon you are beating yourself silly. Fortunately, a referee nymph shows up and stops the fight, declaring the bout a draw. This means that the championship belt will not go to the challenger unless and until a rematch can be arranged.

    >make a face
    You do a quick imitation of Harpo Marx listening to opera music, but amuse only yourself (and me).

    >kiss ground
    Like Lindbergh landing in France, you give the ground a nice wet smack. After wiping the dust from your lips, you wonder if he gave it a french kiss.

    >swim
    Now is not a good time for a dip. Not that I think you're a DIP, you understand. I just mean you might get in over your head. Not 'over your head' as in 'completely lost and without a clue,' of course. I mean all wet. But not the kind of 'all wet' that means... Oh, never mind. Just stay out of the water.
Alright, that's enough for now. Since the farmer said we can have anything in the barn, let's do what any adventure gamer does and go take anything that isn't nailed down.
  • >west
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Speaking of death and dead ends - the game does have a time limit for each day. The time limit however is VERY generous. I've never encountered any of them except when I was purposefully trying to see what happens/ Should you REALLY waste too much time though:

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We restore the game and get on with things.
  • >Look at the cows
    They look just as stupid as the cows in our own world.

    >Look at the rope
    It's very sturdy and about 15 feet long.

    >Take the rope
    You take the rope from the peg.
    [Your score has just gone up by 2.]

    >smoke rope
    Sorry. Not that kind of rope.
    [Still, it's nice to meet another refugee from the sixties.]

    >Look at the medicine chest
    It's a small cabinet for veterinary supplies. The chest is currently closed.

    >Open the medicine chest
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Oooooooh, potions!
  • >Look at the flask
    "Cowpectate (TM): Bovine binding agent."

    >Take the Cowpectate
    You take the Cowpectate from the medicine chest.

    >Look at the vial
    "Tort-Ease (TM): Testudinal muscle relaxant."

    >Take the Tort-Ease
    You take the Tort-Ease from the medicine chest.
    [Your score has just gone up by 2.]

    >Look at the bottle
    "Hog-Wild (TM): Porcine aphrodisiac."

    >Take the Hog-Wild
    You take the Hog-Wild from the medicine chest.
    [Your score has just gone up by 2.]
Now let's smell and drink each one in turn.
  • >smell cowpectate
    It smells kinda chalky.

    >drink cowpectate
    You toss back the murky liquid in one mighty swallow. Your insides instantly seize up, your stomach puckers, and your bowels send word they're closed for the season. Seconds later, the flask suddenly vanishes into thin air.

    >smell tort-ease
    It has a 'lemon-fresh' scent. [Marketing weasels are just as stupid on Torus as they are on Earth.]
Torus, by the way, is the "planet" on which the game takes place. It's probably a dig at old adventure games (especially Sierra's) where the world wrapped around if you went all the way in any direction, which would only be possible if the world was torus-shaped.
  • >drink tort-ease
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Well it did say it was a muscle relaxant... anyway reloading.
  • >smell hog-wild
    All the little hairs in your nose start to tingle. This must be pretty powerful stuff.

    >drink hog-wild
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It did say it was powerful stuff... reloading.
  • >give cowpectate to cows
    Believe me, if the cows had a problem with diarrhea, you'd be the first to know.

    >Close the medicine chest
    You close the medicine chest.
We're done here. But before we go out:
  • >look at sun
    That's awfully hard to do unless you're outside.
Fine, let's go out first then.
  • >east

    >look at sun
    You should never look at the sun, unless it's an eclipse, and you have one of those little cardboard box things with a hole in it, and your parents are nearby. Unless, of course you want to go blind. But if that's what you want, there are much more fun ways to do it, which I probably shouldn't go into here.
Alright, let's ask the farmer about all these vials we got.
  • >Talk to the farmer
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Now let's go do something about this curse.
  • >ne
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  • >Look at the magazines
    You pick up one of the magazines and flip through it. Your ears quickly turn red and you hastily replace it, reflecting that Chivalry School might have skipped over a few spots in your education.

    >Look at the newspaper
    [Taking the newspaper first]
    [Your score has just gone up by 2.]
The newspaper is an important item. You'll find one every day, and in addition to some fun stuff it often contains hints about upcoming puzzles (usually on a later day). In one particular case you even need to use the newspaper to solve a puzzle. One thing to note, though: the coverage of past events is... well, let's just say they'd give the Daily Mail a run for their money.

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This is foreshadowing for the game's main event. The "classifieds" usually contain some fun references to other works (games, movies, books, TV series... you name it). Have fun catching them! though I'll point out the more obscure ones.

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Let's call the number and go on a tour!
  • >call 1-800-BUS-TERS
    "Thank you for calling Holy Grail Tours. All tours this week have been cancelled due to construction of the new visitors center at the Grail Castle. Please call again next week for reservations."
Oh well.
  • >clean privy
    You do some quick calculations involving seven maids and seven mops, and then abandon the idea as economically impractical.

    >smell privy
    There are many things which are a delight to the olfactory senses. This privy isn't one of them.

    >examine bench
    It's a one-holer.

    >smell bench
    You stick your nose in there, inhale deeply, and just about lose consciousness.
    [It's nice to know that there are still some truly dedicated masochists out there. (But I guess I should have known that anyway, given that you're playing this game.)]
:lol:

  • >down
    Let's think about this. Before you jump down there, why don't you arrange some way to get back up?

    >Look at the hook
    It's a sturdy-looking hook.

    >attach rope to hook
    You tie one end of the rope to the hook and throw the other end down into the privy.

    >down
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  • >Look at the pig
    Think of a greased pig. Now think of something just as slippery and twice as disgusting.

    >Look at the muck
    You really wanna know, huh? Well to begin with, it's brown - which I guess you'd pretty much expect. Parts of it are lumpy and parts are smooth. And if you look really close... Ugh! Never mind. You get the picture.

    >eat muck
    A waiter appears out of nowhere, sets up an elegant table, and lays a place setting for one. He lights the candelabra and says, "Our specials today are muck pate, muck under glass, roast muck, broccoli, and muck florentine. For a wine we have... we have..." He stops in mid sentence and slaps himself on the forehead. "Oh my gods, we're all out of wine. You can't eat muck without wine! I'm so embarrassed." He packs up his materials and disappears.
:what:
Alright, let's do what he came to do and get out of here.
  • >kiss pig
    Nothing happens. Perhaps the enchantment will only be broken if the farmer is present.

    >catch pig
    You dive at the pig and manage to wrap your arms around it. But a loud squeal and a quick wriggle loosens your grip and leaves you face-down in the muck. You pull yourself to your feet for another try.
Well, we're gonna have to get the pig to follow us. What can we try?
  • >moon pig
    You bare your bottom at the pig but it appears fundamentally unimpressed.
Mmm. Maybe some singing and dancing?
  • >sing
    "Tra-la-la-la-la
    Tra-la-la-la-la
    Tra-la-la-la-la
    Life is so wonderful!"

    >dance
    You cavort. You gavotte. You cut a rug. Then you stop.
Nope. No luck. Hey I know! How about that Hog-Wild?
  • >drink hog-wild
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OK, so maybe we need to get her to drink it...
  • >give hog-wild to pig
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Hurray! Let's go back to the farmer.
  • >up
    You climb back up the rope, dragging the pig along with you.

    >sw
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Ugh. Let's get this over with.
  • >kiss pig
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:roll:

Incoming: a running joke involving apples. You have been warned.
  • >Examine pig
    The pig's gaze is fixed on the girl's beautiful apples.

    >Look at the daughter
    She's a typical farmer's daughter with great-looking apples.

    >Examine apples
    The girl's apples are luscious and beautiful.

    >Take apples
    The girl pulls away and says, "Please don't touch my apples. I'm saving them for somebody special."
:roll:
  • >Talk to the daughter
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I did warn you about dem apples...
  • >Talk to the farmer
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And now for some more kissing.
  • >kiss daughter
    You find yourself staring up at the farmer from flat on your back. "Nice try, city boy," he drawls. "In the future, keep your hands off my daughter."

    >kiss pig
    Having acquired a taste for unguine osculation, you return for another round.
And maybe a little more than just kissing...
  • >fuck pig
    Every once in a while, people ask me what I do for a living. I tell them that mostly I sit around anticipating the things that players will try to do in a game. Of all the people I have ever said that to, not one has ever replied, "Oh, like >Fuck pig?"
:lol:

Now let's do as the farmer said and go clean up.
  • >w
    You walk into the barn covered head-to-toe with muck. To the cows, you look like a monster from "Return of the Swamp Thing." They bolt from their stalls and stampede for the door, knocking out the main strut that holds up the barn. As the barn begins to collapse around your ears, you hear a low rumble and realize from long experience that this is the time to make your exit.
    [Your score has just gone up by 25.]
Or maybe not...

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I think Eric's in love :love:

Now, who wants to bet she does get kidnapped? :smug:
 

lightbane

Arcane
Joined
Dec 27, 2008
Messages
9,267
Intelligence: I think this game is crazier than Gateway...

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>fuck pig
Every once in a while, people ask me what I do for a living. I tell them that mostly I sit around anticipating the things that players will try to do in a game. Of all the people I have ever said that to, not one has ever replied, "Oh, like >Fuck pig?"


:lol: :lol: Yep, it is. Awesome update :thumbsup: :love:
 

Brother None

inXile Entertainment
Developer
Joined
Jul 11, 2004
Messages
5,673
Of course she gets kidnapped.

Also, rhomboid table?

>fuck pig
Every once in a while, people ask me what I do for a living. I tell them that mostly I sit around anticipating the things that players will try to do in a game. Of all the people I have ever said that to, not one has ever replied, "Oh, like >Fuck pig?"

Ahahaha! Most excellent.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
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Messages
10,818
Divinity: Original Sin
Brother None said:
Also, rhomboid table?
If you read the next update, you will see that it is in fact an apt description :smug:

I did mention the game was full of references to everything. What I failed to mention was that most of them aren't exactly highbrow in their execution. ;)

Hey, let's play catch the reference! On each in-game day you guys try to guess all the newspaper personals references, and just before the next update I'll post the answers. Other obscure references (such as the seven brides with seven mops one) can also count. I can keep scoring and declare a winner at the end, or something. Also, please no cheating, since I can only rely on an honor system.
 

Kz3r0

Arcane
Sad Loser
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
26,802
Re: Saturday

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Juliet from Romeo and Juliet.

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Robin Hood.

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Ebenezer Scrooge from a Christmas carol, the crutch is of his secretary' son.

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Reference to Apple's founders.

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Reference ante litteram to the Da Vinci code.

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What's the bounty for this one?


About the seven mops:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Brid ... n_Brothers ?
 

Crooked Bee

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Oh my, I believe this game is a bit too lulzy for me. I mean, it's fun, but in all honesty I prefer Gateway so far.

You give yourself a little shove. Surprised, you shove back. Angered at your response, you push yourself even harder than the first time. Things quickly escalate, and soon you are beating yourself silly. Fortunately, a referee nymph shows up and stops the fight, declaring the bout a draw. This means that the championship belt will not go to the challenger unless and until a rematch can be arranged.
A waiter appears out of nowhere, sets up an elegant table, and lays a place setting for one. He lights the candelabra and says, "Our specials today are muck pate, muck under glass, roast muck, broccoli, and muck florentine. For a wine we have... we have..." He stops in mid sentence and slaps himself on the forehead. "Oh my gods, we're all out of wine. You can't eat muck without wine! I'm so embarrassed." He packs up his materials and disappears.

:shock:

The girl pulls away and says, "Please don't touch my apples. I'm saving them for somebody special."

:facepalm:



Well, these aren't obscure at all, I believe it's Romeo and Juliet, Robin Hood, and Christmas Carol.


"W. Bligh" is definitely Vice-Admiral William Bligh who famously lost his ship when his crew wanted to stay on Tahiti.


Well, there is a famous legend about Glastonbury Abbey having housed the Holy Grail, but that's all I could get out of the above.

EDIT: Hurr durr beaten.
 

Darth Roxor

Wielder of the Huegpenis
Staff Member
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Messages
1,876,530
Location
Djibouti
>blow farmer
This game has far too much class to respond to that input.
[A voice offstage: "No it doesn't!"]
It doesn't?
[No!]
Well, then. You remove all of the farmer's clothes and... No, no. I just can't do this.
[Go on!]
No. And that's final. You'll just have to buy a different game if you want that kind of thing.
[Like one of the Bioware series?]
Well, yes.
[By David Gaider?]
Yes! Now go away! You're interfering with the game.
[Right. Bye, then.]

:smug:

A waiter appears out of nowhere, sets up an elegant table, and lays a place setting for one. He lights the candelabra and says, "Our specials today are muck pate, muck under glass, roast muck, broccoli, and muck florentine. For a wine we have... we have..." He stops in mid sentence and slaps himself on the forehead. "Oh my gods, we're all out of wine. You can't eat muck without wine! I'm so embarrassed." He packs up his materials and disappears.

:lol:


Best. Game. Ever. :salute:
 

DwarvenFood

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Strap Yourselves In Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Wasteland 2 Codex USB, 2014 Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
A waiter appears out of nowhere, sets up an elegant table, and lays a place setting for one. He lights the candelabra and says, "Our specials today are muck pate, muck under glass, roast muck, broccoli, and muck florentine. For a wine we have... we have..." He stops in mid sentence and slaps himself on the forehead. "Oh my gods, we're all out of wine. You can't eat muck without wine! I'm so embarrassed." He packs up his materials and disappears.


This is just SO Monty Python.. but I cannot into all this inane humour, there are some nice lolz in there but the rest of it .. guess it's a matter of opinion. Sorry for missing all your other LP's but it must be because I always skip over the adventure games.
 

Crooked Bee

(no longer) a wide-wandering bee
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The princess is probably evil and simply wants to take advantage of Eric's foolishness though.
 

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