<3sRichardSimmons
Arcane
I recently decided that I'm not going to buy anymore games until I've at least tried all the unplayed games sitting in my Steam and GoG accounts. It turns out that GTA IV is one of these. I bought it roughly around launch and it ran like total shit on my system so I decided to shelve it for an upgrade instead of refunding because I really liked III-San Andreas. Then I upgraded and tried it again... and it still ran like total shit. Then I upgraded again... and it still ran like total shit. Then I upgraded again about a year ago to a system comfortably able to run current-gen games at minimum 60 FPS on High settings, but just never got around to reinstalling GTAIV. Today I did, and guess what? It still runs like total shit, but that's not all!
Upon reinstalling I'm immediately presented with a mandatory registration/login for "Rockstar Social Club". Cool. I vaguely remember this being a thing the last time I tried to play this stupid fucking game, but it's always great when a company forces their DRM dick all the way down your throat before even letting you "enjoy" the product that they already know you legally purchased.
After hemming and hawing about whether or not I actually give a shit enough about this game to install roughly 1gig of bloatware DRM bullshit, I decide "fuck it, I decided I'm going to at least play all my games once.". So I install this stupid fucking nonsense, and then upon launching it I get a prompt that essentially says "Haha you dumb fuck. We just bloated up your system with a bunch of non-essential spyware, but if you actually want to play this game you need to link your Steam account (which by the way is permanent)."
Well fuck. I've already gone this far. So why not I guess?
And then I start the game and, guess fucking what? It still runs like shit. I mean, I guess I'm getting 30FPS instead of the 3FPS I was getting 10 fucking years ago, so perhaps there is an elegantly linear time/hardware/performance algorithm that this game is running on, but Jesus Christ.
But okay, whatever the game runs like shit, I can deal with that; I occasionally play console games and can tolerate 30FPS.
Then I watch the opening movie. As a frame of reference for those who haven't played it, all the character faces roughly look like this:
Sitting through the intro I get treated to some badly animated S&M, a hand knocking/noclipping on/through a doorway, and some really hilariously bad fog that is obviously designed to "hide" draw distance limitations.
Well, whatever. Gameplay uber alles, right?
Haha. No. After a five minute long cutscene, I'm finally able to have some actual control. I get in the first presented vehicle (a sort of Chevy Malibuish thing), and holy shit does this thing drive worse than some of the semis I've been behind. I'm talking 50' turning radius, top speed of ~45MPH, and most bizarrely an e-break that apparently locks all 4 wheels.
Okay, but whatever, I'm clearly just nitpicking, everyone knows the fun of these games comes not from their realism but rather their ability to create mayhem and simulate psychopathy. So, considering this, I eagerly go full tilt (again, roughly ~45MPH) towards the first pedestrian I see (a drunken hobo, excellent!), barrel into him full speed, and... watch as he sleepily slouches onto the hood of my car and then fades away into nothingness? What the fuck?
Am I doing this wrong? Does this game somehow magically figure its shit out? Because so far this is a solid 0/10
Upon reinstalling I'm immediately presented with a mandatory registration/login for "Rockstar Social Club". Cool. I vaguely remember this being a thing the last time I tried to play this stupid fucking game, but it's always great when a company forces their DRM dick all the way down your throat before even letting you "enjoy" the product that they already know you legally purchased.
After hemming and hawing about whether or not I actually give a shit enough about this game to install roughly 1gig of bloatware DRM bullshit, I decide "fuck it, I decided I'm going to at least play all my games once.". So I install this stupid fucking nonsense, and then upon launching it I get a prompt that essentially says "Haha you dumb fuck. We just bloated up your system with a bunch of non-essential spyware, but if you actually want to play this game you need to link your Steam account (which by the way is permanent)."
Well fuck. I've already gone this far. So why not I guess?
And then I start the game and, guess fucking what? It still runs like shit. I mean, I guess I'm getting 30FPS instead of the 3FPS I was getting 10 fucking years ago, so perhaps there is an elegantly linear time/hardware/performance algorithm that this game is running on, but Jesus Christ.
But okay, whatever the game runs like shit, I can deal with that; I occasionally play console games and can tolerate 30FPS.
Then I watch the opening movie. As a frame of reference for those who haven't played it, all the character faces roughly look like this:
Sitting through the intro I get treated to some badly animated S&M, a hand knocking/noclipping on/through a doorway, and some really hilariously bad fog that is obviously designed to "hide" draw distance limitations.
Well, whatever. Gameplay uber alles, right?
Haha. No. After a five minute long cutscene, I'm finally able to have some actual control. I get in the first presented vehicle (a sort of Chevy Malibuish thing), and holy shit does this thing drive worse than some of the semis I've been behind. I'm talking 50' turning radius, top speed of ~45MPH, and most bizarrely an e-break that apparently locks all 4 wheels.
Okay, but whatever, I'm clearly just nitpicking, everyone knows the fun of these games comes not from their realism but rather their ability to create mayhem and simulate psychopathy. So, considering this, I eagerly go full tilt (again, roughly ~45MPH) towards the first pedestrian I see (a drunken hobo, excellent!), barrel into him full speed, and... watch as he sleepily slouches onto the hood of my car and then fades away into nothingness? What the fuck?
Am I doing this wrong? Does this game somehow magically figure its shit out? Because so far this is a solid 0/10
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