In Progress Incline to the Dark Ages: Let's Play Crusader Kings 2: The Old Gods

[J_C]

Is there a problem with glorious midieval Hungary?

 

[Tigranes]

11. The Crusade of Cleve: Finale, 1026-1050

King Cleve has the heart of a lion, the brain of a Neanderthal, and the spirit touched by the divine. He may be fifty-one years old, but there's no stopping him. His work is not done yet.

Spoiler

To prepare him for the trials ahead, King Cleve visits an obscure hermit.

All hermits, of course, live in squalid conditions in order to maximise scarcity value. It's all about raising prices.


The Wiiiiise woman. The wiiiiiiise woman!

Come on, dear old fellow. We both know that I'm your only source of revenue this decade. Let me in.

I'm here for one serving of Wisdom. Deep fried.

That's a good 'un. Would patronise again.

King Cleve may have become wiser, but even his superior genes cannot make him immortal. His fearsome visage recedes from the front lines and into the general's tent.

Meanwhile, Cleve's armies try some raiding down the Muslim lands, but with increased fort defences and powerful defenses it's just not the same. Biblethumpers were so much better, their wenches bent over like they really wanted it.

Prince Prosper reaches adulthood. He is generally disappointing, however, and King Cleve begins to wonder whether his genes were properly passed down at all.

Skyway? Content? Oh, very droll.

That's more like it.

But enough of the pleasantries. King Cleve's ready to finally finish his life's mission; he will ensure the eternal glory of his religion by conquering a Catholic heartland in his Odin's name. King Cuthberht the Fat is a hedonistic, craven fool, and does not deserve the title of King.

King Cleve has now understood; in previous efforts, he attempted to solve the problem wholesale by declaring Holy War. It's taken him fifteen years, but he's found a solution to the bug problem; by using non-Holy War casus belli, the other biblethumpers will not feel the need to trek a thousand miles to Cuthbrht's aid.

All that thinking has given King Cleve a persistent headache.

The English alone, of course, is no cakewalk; at peace and united, they summon a formidable force. King Cleve leads his retinue on the right flank in a decisive battle outside London.

This time, there are no unpleasant surprises. A decisive victory sends shivers throughout Yurop.

The men have even captured the Crown Prince of England, who Cleve is delighted to behead.

Skyway disrupts the execution by trolling everyone about the meaning of life, but Cleve will not be so easily distracted.

This leads Skyway to develop a strong taste for wenches. Makes, uh, sense.

Cleve's legendary virility yields a third, late son! Will DraQ result in a three-way partition of the kingdom, a first in Codexian history?

Why, gentlemen. Little DraQ is a genius. And stutters! This must be the scion. It is he that has inherited the genes of Cleve!

Cleve ponders succession as his generals finish off the war. DraQ is clearly The One, but as the third, will end up with a remote Jarldom at most. What can Cleve do?

Cleve orders St. Paul's Cathedral to be vacated and converted into a Norse centre for faith.

The Holy Golden Baby is erected onto the facade. The steward asks who shall become the religious leader of this new holding, dedicated to the Norse clergy for life with St. Paul's as his demesne. But wait! That... that's the answer!

Skyway, how would you like to dedicate your life to zealotry, forcing your beliefs on everybody else whether they are listening or not?

I knew you'd like it.

Skyway disqualified from succession, there is only one obstacle left; the continued livelihood of Prince Prosper. You will have to go, my son. The scion must succeed. The superior genes will rule.

Prince Prosper is horribly maimed in a manure-related accident, but somehow, he survives.

An artist's approximation of Prosper after his freak injuries.

Time is running out. Old Cleve grows infirm, no longer fit to lead armies. As his body begins to fail, he knows he must hold on to life long enough...

It's good to know that the people love my rants.

The treasury is now entirely dedicated to the purchase and preparation of manure.

Another failure, but that won't stop us.

Skyway decides to troll Cleve's failed assassinations by getting himself killed. Well played.

Suddenly, everything about life seems so much better. Do you know why, Skyway?

Another inn full of manure, another failure...

And finally, after 4 years of more or less constant assassinating, Prosper Codexia expires. DraQ shall inherit.

Something about DraQ's mannerisms seem to put other children off. Cleve assures him that they just do not understand their kind.

DraQ appears obsessed with reading and writing polemical and intolerant literature. Cleve is delighted that a worthy successor to his religion is in the making.

Meanwhile, King Cleve has been systematically conquering England province by province. Victory is simple, as England is unable to recover sufficiently after each defeat, but things are going far too slow.

Cleve decides that the convention of "Truces" is an outdated and useless one. Why should the defeated get 5 or 10 years to recover? Of course, he will receive a penalty to diplomacy, suffer a massive prestige hit and all Christian rulers will hate him, but Cleve is willing to sacrifice such superficial recognition for the great plan. (Yes, basically I declared war on England about fifteen times in fifteen years, burning over ten thousand prestige in the process. It seemed... thematically appropriate.)

Little DraQ is so patient. Sometimes, the lesser people do not quite understand what he is saying, so they disagree with him. Patiently, DraQ will quote them line by line, and provide detailed reasons why they are wrong, and he is right. It is simply admirable.

The war continues. England is raped, barely picks up the soggy underpants, and then bends over again. Cleve retains a quasi-permanent force of retinues and mercenaries. (I don't know if it's The Old Gods, the patch, or whatnot, but even when hiring over 5,000 mercenaries he turns a small profit on a monthly basis. We did invest into developing his demesne quite a lot, and we hold rich provinces like Holland and Sjaelland, but this seems... unusually rich.)

Nearing the ripe old age of seventy now, King Cleve finds himself confined to the bed, hardly able to go about the business of state. But he knows that even in this state, as long as he lives, he may complete his grand project...

Behind the armies, come waves of missionaries, spreading the Word of Cleve. Essex and Kent are already in the light.

Cleve may be bedridden and hated on a planetary basis, but he's still alive, and that's what counts.

Just a few more, and we shall be able to usurp the Kingdom...

Already, Prince DraQ reaches maturity, and he is all that Cleve had hoped for. Talented in every area, he shall prove a fine and worthy successor to the titanic majesty of Cleve.

At last, all is ready. Seventeen separate wars later...

...we can now into England. (Dover and Cornwall don't count as de jure, so we ended up conquering 17. It also took a bit longer because we ran out of prestige, and had to wait a few years.)

Seventy-five years old, King Cleve is carried on his bed to his coronation, as King of Norway and England, Fylkir of the Golden Baby, the Lionheart.

A month later, his seventy-sixth birthday; another month later, he is dead, comatose in bed. He lived longer than any Codexian, and far outstripped their achievements. He would leave behind him an immense work of literature, an equally majestic achievement of culture; unfortunately, his death meant it was left but a few pages from completion. It was simply called... Grimoire.

And so, DraQ the King, the King, the Fylkir, inherits the fruits of Cleve. Will he continue the spread of incline? Or will the empire crumble under his inexperienced rule?

Next: the reign of DraQ.

 

[Tigranes]

Well, that was intense. Now we own a big chunk of England as you can see, Norway, Holland, and most of Denmark. After some consolidation of England we would probably have enough to take on the Catholics soon, given they're continuing their slow disintegration in France.

Sadly, I leave for London in 36 hours for a month on a research trip, and my ancient laptop cannot into CK2. We might have to think of an appropriate apocalypse involving DraQ...

Edit: Also, I just stayed up till 4am to write this, so fuck you all.

 

[Storyfag]

Just suspend the LP for the month. The Codex can be patient. We shall wait.

Also, how's the reformed norse religion faring worldwide?

 

[Azira]

Get DraQ a genius wife and watch the genes blossom into greatness. Bring the incline to continental Europe.

 

[Carrion]

It's a brilliant LP. We really need to get some closure before your trip.

 

[MicoSelva]

for fylkir Cleve I Blakemore. May he rest in peace.

Long live fylkir DraQ.

 

[Tigranes]

There will be one more update before I leave, yes. I can sleep on the plane, I'm sure. And when I'm dead.

It's incredible how Cleve faced no serious resistance to his rule of, what, seventy years? Despite being a child of a concubine, having 0 diplomacy his entire life, then spending the last twenty years with a reputation as a kinslayer and breaking fifteen truces. We were so rich that I could routinely pay off the Jarls, who were very neatly consolidated into de jure blocks with no particular grievances. I expected the Christian rulers (every one of them -100 in relations after the truce-breaking) to declare war, but at that point they were squeezed in between Potato and Kebab having too much trouble of their own, I think. Ironically, it is the kebab that has, on the wider scale, enabled Cleve to trample all over England, and to get away with his moment of weakness when he cocked up the first war.

Fylkir DraQ, of course, has a rather different opinion of kebab...

 

[baturinsky]

I found easiest short-therm way to soothe vassals is to grant them conquested province. It's usually +80 rep apiece. Can cause problems later, of cause.

 

[Cassidy]

There are too many historical inaccuracies here.

• Jaesun lived and died without the Homosexual trait
• JarlFrank had a too easy time getting hitched
• Hiver was too quiet about the shit slurpers and never white-knighted any maiden.
• Cleve invaded and conquered spear-chucking sapiens only, ignoring the much greater threat of the Melonheads

And probably more I have missed.

 

[Tigranes]

12. Goodbyeeeeeee

DraQ is Fylkir, King of Norway, King of England, a genius. Sound familiar?

Spoiler

DraQ looks upon the land, and despairs. In his singleminded pursuit of biblethumpers, King Cleve had allowed Kebab to slide up his rear unnoticed, and now, Norway - and the rest of Yurop - risks becoming the sticky bits of meat flaking off the stick.

It is said that the Muslim hordes number in the tens of thousands; meanwhile, counting retinues and mercenaries, DraQ can now summon over forty thousand men. It is clear that only Codexia can halt the Second Decline; the biblethumpers have proven weak and unable.

DraQ first protects his other rear, by consolidating the conquest of England.

The first step to a successful war is successful intrigue. The Caliph is already a cripple, and stands ripe for an early death; his young son will then feel the full might of DraQ.

With such a large empire, finding willing assassins is a matter of statistics.

An assassination of a Caliph is of a different order to assassinating meddlesome Jarls. DraQ seeks advice from a retired spymaster, who hides many secrets, and was once said to control the flow of manure across the entire continent.

He's just a tiny little bit paranoid.

DraQ manages to persuade him that the Ways of Manure should not be forgotten, that this deadly Codexian tradition should carry Yurop into the Great Incline.

An exciting montage-scene later, DraQ emerges with a blackened face, a perpetual scowl, and a mastery of Manure. It shall remain with him for the rest of his times.

DraQ ensures the maximisation of superior genes by betrothing himself to Asta Azursdotter. A Swedish child to an unremarkable family, to be sure, but a born genius; the embryos of Codexia shall feed upon only the highest quality DNA.

DraQ's supporters present an assassination plan, the generic poisoned wine at a banquet. DraQ is sure that manure would be better, but agrees - perhaps Muslim ways are different, even for killing.

You see? With manure, you don't have this problem - it explodes, you're gone.

While DraQ arranges a multinational manure smuggling network, he authorises a second attempt reluctantly, this time a viper. I suppose it's a little better than wine.

Apparently, it was a rather obese and old snake.

Well, DraQ cannot wait no longer. It has already been four years since his ascension, and time is slipping by. In 1054 A.D., he makes a momentous announcement, one that will change the face of Yurop forever. The scriptures of Cleve are read from the unfinished Grimoire; the Golden Baby is lifted high; and a Holy War is declared against the Great Kebab.

With a 7,500 strong retinue bolstered by equal numbers of mercenaries, King DraQ personally in command, the war begins.

Meanwhile, the husband of DraQ's older sister had couped the Swedish throne all on his own, and now willingly joins the war. This means over fifty thousand Norsemen will now take to the seas, the largest host ever mobilised by the race.

DraQ casts the first die by ambushing a Kebab detachment in Flanders.

With timely reinforcements, a close victory is won, and so the opening salvos are fired. They may field tens of thousands of more men, King DraQ tells his tired soldiers, but destiny is on their side - the destiny of incline. All of Yurop shall burn before we are done, one way or the other. One of the two great realms of the known world shall fall by the end. With a great roar, the Codexian host rides into the sunset. Will they succeed in repelling kebab? Or will DraQ's audacity mean the final victory of decline? With rumours of Potato training an elite army of swordsmen specialising in rolling really fast, will they join on the side of incline, or decline?



-King DraQ, do you think we can really deliver the incline?
-Ah, my friend. Who knows? Perhaps the world is not ready for incline. Perhaps the ignorant peasants want the decline. Perhaps our ways are not welcome at all.
-But... but King DraQ, then why are we risking everything like this? Why not keep hold of what we have, our few treasures? Our friends?
-Many think that way. But you see... the decline is never satisfied. It always looks for more. It will conquer, and conquer, until nothing of us is left. Our only option is to fight; to fight, until at last, we are no more.
-And then?
-And then? Then people will remember that we never bowed to ignorance, to popularity, to decadence. That we knew what was good in life. That we had taste. That for a small, eccentric group of basement-dwellers, at least, for a brief, glorious moment, the incline was real.



Thanks for reading.

 

[Fens]

what a cliffhanger

 

[Azira]

Nice one!

 

[Storyfag]

 

[CappenVarra]

the embryos of Codexia shall feed upon only the highest quality DNA.

As if children weren't scary enough already...

 

[Imperator]

Hungary can convert to ortodox Chirstianity in the old gods dlc?

 

[Kattze]

Hungary can convert to ortodox Chirstianity in the old gods dlc?

Pagans can convert to any monotheistic religion (ie. any branch of Islam/Christianity + Zoroastrianism) as long as the ruler have a concubine with a monotheist religion and the ruler does not have zealous trait.

 

[MicoSelva]

Fylkir DraQ does not fuck around.
I can sympathize with the efforts to off the caliph. I've recently tried to plot an assassination of a 6-year old Danish prince. It took 7 or 8 attempts over 5 years before it finally succeeded. Damn incompetent assassins.

BTW, nice Star Trek Deep Space Nine reference in the tailor-assassin event.

 

[TheCatsofSanktPetersburg]

FINISH THIS!

 

[Storyfag]

FINISH THIS!

 

[MicoSelva]

I am also looking forward to further updates of this splendid Let's Play.

 

[Storyfag]

I've seen you on the forums Tigranes. If you don't resume this LP, I will devour your soul.

 

[Tigranes]

Gragh. Girlfriend is visiting until late August, then I am back to the daily grind, and also EUIV will be out. I'll see whether I have the longing for CK2 left, or some descendant Codexians may surface centuries later...

 

[MicoSelva]