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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Elhoim

Iron Tower Studio
Developer
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,817
Location
San Isidro, Argentina
skyway said:
Locue, only one hint - you kinda forgetting that it's not Sutherland and Farrell who are main characters in this emo story.

Yeah, a little less Keifer and Colin and more of the game chars.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
skyway said:
Locue, only one hint - you kinda forgetting that it's not Sutherland and Farrell who are main characters in this emo story.
Kinda?! :lol:

Short answer: the next update will have more characters and less commentary with Kiefer and Colin.

Long answer: Meh, there's isn't anything interesting going on in the Shinra-building anyway so I decided to cut Barret, Cloud and Tifa all together. You move from floor to floor, complete puzzles and finally reach the laboratory, save Aeris and then you get caught again. There's surprisingly little interaction between the characters and most dialogue is "we must save Aeris" and "Cloud, fix this so we can move to the next level" and it's really boring.
Don't worry, though: Colin and Kiefer will be around in the next chapter as well, but just not as much. The escape from Shinra HQ is a lot more interesting with plenty of moments where the real characters in the game get to shine! (And by shine, I mean sparkle like the rooty fruity fresh n' fruity soft drinks that they are.)

Really, is that the only thing that you people don't like about this LP? Holy crap, I'm the best LP:er in the world! Bring me down, someone! Tell me I need to show my characters stats and equipment some more or something! :lol:
 

afewhours

Scholar
Joined
Dec 26, 2007
Messages
562
Location
UK
Locue said:
Bring me down, someone! Tell me I need to show my characters stats and equipment some more or something!

MOAR STATS PLZ

EDIT: Seriously, it's not like there's any point showing the stats until you equip your folks for the weapon battles. Yer fine so far.
 

Lemunde

Scholar
Joined
Jan 16, 2006
Messages
322
Locue said:
Really, is that the only thing that you people don't like about this LP? Holy crap, I'm the best LP:er in the world! Bring me down, someone! Tell me I need to show my characters stats and equipment some more or something! :lol:

Well it's your LP. I don't like telling someone else how to do their business.

Probably the only thing that annoys me are the excessive amount of gay references but with that whole Corneo fiasco Cloud was just asking for it I guess. But in the last couple of updates it seems to have been toned down anyways. I just don't want to see the whole LP centered around it. That'll get old really quick.

I would like to see some more in-depth battles. If nothing else it will remind me that the game has more than just crappy low res pre-rendered backgrounds with crappy low poly characters running all over it. And you never did steal that sword for Cloud.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Lemunde said:
Locue said:
Really, is that the only thing that you people don't like about this LP? Holy crap, I'm the best LP:er in the world! Bring me down, someone! Tell me I need to show my characters stats and equipment some more or something! :lol:
Well it's your LP. I don't like telling someone else how to do their business.
But you have to. You all have to. How else am I going to please every single person on this forum? :wink:

Probably the only thing that annoys me are the excessive amount of gay references but with that whole Corneo fiasco Cloud was just asking for it I guess. But in the last couple of updates it seems to have been toned down anyways. I just don't want to see the whole LP centered around it. That'll get old really quick.
Point taken. Less references and more sex. Just kidding.

And I definitely agree with you. It got old and so it was toned down. I'm more or less implying the gay relationship now and once we finally get out of Midgar - and off the cargo boat, Barrets white sailor suit considered - you'll find that most gay references will be more or less dropped. I know some will be disappointed but there will be next to no opportunities for gay hilarity on the other continent.

Which is a shame, by the way. :lol:

I would like to see some more in-depth battles. If nothing else it will remind me that the game has more than just crappy low res pre-rendered backgrounds with crappy low poly characters running all over it.
I'll see what I can do, but I'm really not a fan of the random encounters so don't expect too much of that thing. I think they're really boring.

And you never did steal that sword for Cloud.
The Hardedge? I stole it right after I beat the research specimen. I just didn't equip it because... well, there wasn't much reason to. Cloud is more or less my main lightning bolt spammer.

Thanks for the suggestions.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Andhaira said:
More SUMMONZ.

Try to use a summon every battle!
Bitch, ain't gettin' any damn summons until the chocobo farm!! :evil:

Choco & Mog will be paying us a visit as soon as I get to the chocobo farm. Don't worry. SUMMONS RAWKS!!
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
Locue said:
Don't worry. SUMMONS RAWKS!!
Yeah, but the summons should be in their true-pure full glory and not in the false quick summon mod. And of course we want snapshots frame by frame to make sure you did it. :P
 

Murk

Arcane
Joined
Jan 17, 2008
Messages
13,457
summon chocobo on you rown party and watch as he rearends everyone to death with the power of BEAK
 

kingcomrade

Kingcomrade
Edgy
Joined
Oct 16, 2005
Messages
26,884
Location
Cognitive Elite HQ
FinalFantasyFortyK.gif
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Have a t-shirt, guys.

31318.gif


I'll be the first to tell you if I'm giving up. Right now, I'm busy getting some other stuff done. As much as I'd like to be able to play Final Fantasy 7 for the internet all the time, there are things that have to take priority and yeah, I'm full of shit. I've just been too busy getting wasted at bars.

Relatively regular updates, even for Emerald if you believe it, will return once the smoke clears and I can take a proper shit without throwing up at the same time. A'ight? :wink:
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Welcome back to Let's play Final Fantasy VII. My name is the most misspelled internet identity ever so just call me Bob. This is Colin Farrell and Kiefer Sutherland, my co-hosts.

Colin-Farrell-004.jpg
Hi!
bauerarmed.jpg
Fuck!

And these are the main characters in the game so far! Let's have a round of introductions just in case people forgot who you are.

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I'm Cloud. I'm 100% serious business!
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Hey, we got shiny new avatars!
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Shit's lookin' all proper and fuck alloffa sudden!
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Very cool. :D I'm Tifa, Cloud's sometimes-girlfriend. I have large breasts and a nice ass. This makes me the most jerked-off-to Final Fantasy-character ever.
aeris_portrait.jpg
Hey, I died!
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You saying people jerked off to that?
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... :(
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Oh yeah, I went there, bitch!
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:cry:
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Girls, please don't...
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That crybaby is Aeris, she's some kind of ancient lifeform that lived on this planet at least nine thousand years ago or something. Also, she has a thing for Colin Farrell.
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He reminds me about my boyfriend, ok?!
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Enough 'bout you damn girls! 'S damn boring! I'm Barret, dammit, Cloud's fulltime lover!
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Snugglecakes... not in front of the audience!
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We've gotta be open an' honest 'bout our damn thang, boy!
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I guess...
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You're also an incredibly offensive stereotype, Barret.
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So are you but you don't see me complainin'!
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I beg your pardon? Exactly how am I a stereotype?
barretwallace.jpg
Shut yo mouth, native american, beads in yo hai-air tigh-gah!
Redxiii.jpg
...
barretwallace.jpg
...
Redxiii.jpg
...
barretwallace.jpg
...
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Right oh, my good man. My name is Nanaki and even though I'm a tiger I am the only character in the entire game who doesn't speak like a, how do you say, stupid fucking moron.
tifalockhart.jpg
Really?
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Yes.
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Really, really?
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Yes, I...
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Forever ever, forever ever?!
Redxiii.jpg
Yes, you annoying little woman. I'm the last surviving member of the talking tiger race.
cloudstrife.jpg
The talking tiger race?
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Yes, I'm not sure if it gets any more explained than that.
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Oh, so you too are the last surviving member of your race?
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Oh, here we go again... :roll:
aeris_portrait.jpg
You should totally go to my meetings! We could learn to deal with...
Redxiii.jpg
Back away, female human. I prefer my lays furry!
aeris_portrait.jpg
:(

What a crew, huh, guys?

Colin-Farrell-004.jpg
I'm bored.
bauerarmed.jpg
I'm off for a shit. A long shit.

They're not that bad! Hey, come back you two, I-- Oh fuck it, I'll be alright without them!

____________________________


cloudstrife.jpg
Where is Aeris, you fiend!?

Oh fuck it.

shinrapresident.jpg
She's in a safe place...

FACT: Hey motherfucker, you totally blew it! I've watched Saw 2 at least twice! Now we know exactly where she is!

shinrapresident.jpg
I was speaking in evil genius/blonde, curly mustache mode, you moron!

Oh.

shinrapresident.jpg
I have her locked in a cell downstairs.

Oh.

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Yes, I think someone owes me an apology.

FACT: Sorry, me not too smart.

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She's the last surviving Ancient, you know.

Really?

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Shut the hell up! Not talking to you anymore!

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That girl, is she a survivor of the Cetra?
shinrapresident.jpg
Didn't I just say she is, Red Mullet? Cetra, or the Ancients will show us the way to the 'Promised Land.' I'm expecting a lot out of her.
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The Promised Land? Isn't that just a legend?
shinrapresident.jpg
Most likely, but it's just too appealing to not pursue.

FACT: Fictitious evil companies are always more stupid than they are evil.

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Quiet you! It's been said the Promised Land is very fertile. And if the land is fertile…
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Then there's gotta be Mako!
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You moron! Maybe he was gonna say it was filled with chocolate bars or something!
cloudstrife.jpg
...
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Chocolate bars or mako... It makes no difference.
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I knew I never shoulda sold my damn company!
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I don't think Kit Kats would have been that high in demand today, Barret.
shinrapresident.jpg
The Promised Land is where Neo-Midgar will be built. Shinra's new glory! Snickers bars all around!
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You #$*$# scum! Quit dreamin'!
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These days all it takes for your dreams to come true is money and power.

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barretwallace.jpg
Hold it! I got a lot I wanna say to you!
shinrapresident.jpg
Get him out of here, Rude.
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Yes, Mr. President.

389_STUBBORN.jpg


shinrapresident.jpg
Feeling down? Grab a Snickers! Hehehe! *snort*

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Oh no, what will happen to our heroes now?! What nefarious deeds will the evil Shinra President manage to plot before Sephiroth totally slices the shit outta his pancreas?

391_shit.jpg


Well, it turns out we were just taken to the same holding complex as Aeris. That's handy.

FACT: They couldn't put us in separate cells because they never had time to finish them all.

I wonder what we can do here? Oh hi, Kiefer!

bauerarmed.jpg
Have you escaped yet?

Well, no, but...

bauerarmed.jpg
I'm off for another shit.

... right. Well, first off we can talk to Tifa!

392_yeahsurewecan.jpg


D-d-dating dialogue! This can be repeated as often as you like. Tifa is one of those girls that like a confident dude, which incidentally is a step back from this little bit of dialogue options where acting like Vin Diesel would make her hate you a couple of points more, but whatever let's flow with it. Since we're going for maximum chocolate bear here we're going to tell Tifa it's going to be really kind of hard to escape from this place. We're going to tell her this fifteen times for a whopping minus fifteen damage to her score card. Just to be sure.

And with that, it's safe to say that Tifa is fucking out!

tifalockhart.jpg
Beats me.

What else can we do in this tiny cell? Let's try escaping. Walking up to the cell door gives us the option to... think about our friends.

393_c-c-choices.jpg


Yeah. I won't spoil it but in just a few seconds we're going to find out the guards didn't bother taking away our weapons (like they did in the FF8-version of the usual Final Fantasy prison escape scenario). Oh well, let's think about Barret for a little bit.

394_uhhuh.jpg


Yikes!

barretwallace.jpg
Aeris is an Ancient and the real name of the Ancients is Cetra. The Ancients know where the Promised Land is and the Shinra is searching for that Promised Land. I only heard stories 'bout the Promised Land. I don't know if it really exists. Is that right?

Yeah, Barret is just repeating everything we know at the moment. The characters will do this A LOT whether you want to listen or not. At least Nanaki seem to have the right idea about this sort of crap. For now.

395_shutupbear.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
The Shinra believe that the Promised Land is full of Mako energy. Which means, if the Shinra get there, they'll suck up all the Mako energy. …and the land'll wither away. The Planet's gonna get weaker.

396_barretwallace-recruitingofficer.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Me, Tifa, Cloud…and Aeris too. How 'bout you?

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He's a tiger, that's what he is! Let's see what he's thinking about.

399_FORESHADOWING.jpg


Nanaki's thinking about his grandfather, a character we're going to meet in like a year or so.

400_barretwallace-grandpasarehilari.jpg


FACT: I wish I had Barret's sense of humor.

Alright, enough. Let's see what Aeris is up to.

401_yup.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I sure am, Aeris! Are you okay? Did they hurt you?
aeris_portrait.jpg
No, I'm all right.
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Good.
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I knew that Cloud would come for me.

83_MINDFUCK.jpg

17_.jpg

83_MINDFUCK.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Huh?
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Is something wrong?
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No... no, I don't think so. I'm your bodyguard, right?

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H-hey! Shut up before..!

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WHORE!
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Oh shit.
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WHORE!!!
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Uh...

404_theydidnthaveanysparecellsithin.jpg


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Well, excuuuuuse meeeeee!!!
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Please... No Steve Martin impersonations...
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You shut the hell up! Hey, whore! I have a question.
aeris_portrait.jpg
What?
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Does the Promised Land really exist?
aeris_portrait.jpg
I don't know. All I know is the Cetra were born from the Planet, speak with the Planet, and unlock the Planet. And then the Cetra will return to the Promised Land. A land that promises supreme happiness.
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Lots of chocolate bars.
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More than chocolate bars… I don't know exactly.

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tifalockhart.jpg
Just what does the Planet say? Does it say you're a fucking whore?
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Your dad says hello. He's happy you've chosen the path of violence.
tifalockhart.jpg
... :(
aeris_portrait.jpg
Oh yeah, I went there, short skirts!
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...you don't have to be so mean... :cry:
aeris_portrait.jpg
Anyway...

408_ohno.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
It's filled with people and noisy?
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I mean it's noisy. Filled with noisy people.
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Damn these translators to hell!
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Anyway, that's why I can't make out what they are saying. They're too many and they're all talking!
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You hear it now?
aeris_portrait.jpg
I, I only heard it at the Church in the Slums. Mother said that Midgar was no longer safe. That is…my real mother.

409_alrightstoptalking.jpg


aeris_portrait.jpg
That's what mom said. I thought I would stop hearing her voice as I grew up, but…
bauerarmed.jpg
The damn bitch is hard to kill, huh?
aeris_portrait.jpg
Who are you?
bauerarmed.jpg
I'm Kiefer "American Hero" Sutherland. Check me out as "Cotton Shirt" Jack Bauer in Lestat's excellent Let's play Quest for Glory-thread! It's a lot better than this crap.

Hey, fuck you, Kiefer. Where's Colin?

bauerarmed.jpg
In a safe place.
aeris_portrait.jpg
What have you done to my boyfriend!
tifalockhart.jpg
Boyfriend?
bauerarmed.jpg
He's unharmed.
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Colin...

...

410_THANKyou.jpg


Sounds like a plan.

To be continued!

...Ooooooh!!
 

Sovy Kurosei

Erudite
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
1,535
399_FORESHADOWING.jpg


In a JRPG the importance of an NPC character is, oftentimes, directly proportional to the number of dots proceeding his name when his name is first mentioned in the game.
 

afewhours

Scholar
Joined
Dec 26, 2007
Messages
562
Location
UK
w00t! FINAL FANTASY! GLUAGGGALUGHLAUGHLAAUUGGG

Hey, Loucue, did you actually watch that Advent Children thing? I had more appealing ways of wasting my time, so I didn't. That is where the new avatars are from, right?

Llowcyue said:
Yeah, Barret is just repeating everything we know at the moment. The characters will do this A LOT whether you want to listen or not.

Nothing warms the heart like poorly planned exposition. I think we need an embargo on flashbacks, to go with the one on parentheses. Then again, I suppose flashbacks are a form of narrative parentheses and we'll stop that line of thought right there before we wind up in litfag territory.

Does anyone else wish they'd killed Tifa as well as Aeris? She's perhaps the most irritating character in the game. Every time she opens her mouth it's a one way trip to magical starry emo fantasy land.

Excellent update, chief. Well worth the wait. MOAR FINAL FANTASY.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sovy Kurosei said:
In a JRPG the importance of an NPC character is, oftentimes, directly proportional to the number of dots proceeding his name when his name is first mentioned in the game.
HEY NANAKI IS JUST PAUSING FOR A BIT BEFORE HE SUDDENLY DECIDES TO MENTION HIS GRANDPA YOU ASSHOLE!!

afewhours said:
w00t! FINAL FANTASY! GLUAGGGALUGHLAUGHLAAUUGGG

Hey, Loucue, did you actually watch that Advent Children thing? I had more appealing ways of wasting my time, so I didn't. That is where the new avatars are from, right?
Well, I'm a drug user so I'm not that picky about how I "spend my time" when I'm not sniffing "flour" off of my handmirror.

No, I didn't watch it. I tried to but I ended up fast-forwarding the whole thing. Even if this movie have a emoguy in a wheelchair beating up emokids it's still one of the most excruciatingly painful emomovies I've tried watching over the emoyears. It almost made me emo.

The emohorror! :wink:

Does anyone else wish they'd killed Tifa as well as Aeris? She's perhaps the most irritating character in the game. Every time she opens her mouth it's a one way trip to magical starry emo fantasy land.
Oh yes, I do. And everyone else should too because the amount of bullshit leaking out of her mouth every goddamn time she manages to get on the blue box convinces me more and more that the real threat coming to get the planet isn't Shinra or Sephiroth or Michael Bay's Armageddon. It's Tifa Lockhart's larynx, and we need to crush that now before its too late.

Excellent update, chief. Well worth the wait. MOAR FINAL FANTASY.
Oooh, I'm chief now, eh? You certainly know how to treat an LPer. Thanks.

Another update tomorrow. HELICOPTERS AND MOTORCYCLES AWAIT!
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
Redxiii.jpg
Back away, female human. I prefer my lays furry!
are we sure his real name is Nanaki? :P

As for advent children it's not even a movie. Enix made it to show that they fucking rule when it comes to CGI and to feed from the deranged ff7 fanboism. There isn't a story in advent children, it's just cool flashy fight after cool flashy fight and it eventually gives you a headache.

oh , I forgot.... YESSS !!! HE'S BACK TO GIVE US OUR FF FIXXX !!! LOCUE FOR MIDGAR DICTATORRR !!!
 

DoppelG

Scholar
Joined
Feb 6, 2008
Messages
198
Location
My mind
"Really, is that the only thing that you people don't like about this LP?"

It needs moar ME!!!
I don't mind the misrepresentation of my persona, just wana have a good time.
ktxsbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Hi, dudes and dudettes! It's time to FUCKING FINALLY get out of the Shinra HQ and FUCKING FINALLY get out of Midgar and FUCKING FINALLY start up this world saving quest! Oh yeah! With me today is Sephiroth! Say hello, Sephiroth.

sephiroth.jpg
Hello! :D

You look great, Sephiroth!

sephiroth.jpg
Thank you. I feel great. :D

Awesome. Now, I asked you to commentate with me for a reason and I think you know what that is.

sephiroth.jpg
Is it because I massacred the whole Shinra HQ and released Cloud and his friends from his holding cells?

Yes, but also because Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell are doing stuff with each other and that's kind of creeping me out. I can't find them. I don't want to find them.

sephiroth.jpg
Oh, I've SO been THERE, sweetie! :D

Alright, let's get this started.

411_MYSTARY.jpg


sephiroth.jpg
Oh yes, I remember this.

You opened the door to Cloud's holding cell.

sephiroth.jpg
No, not exactly. My really long sword pushed the button on accident as I sliced and diced all around the corridor.

To kill one guard.

sephiroth.jpg
Uh huh! :D

You ran up to the guard and killed him with your sword.

sephiroth.jpg
That's how melee attacks work, sweetie! :D

And accidently opened the door to Cloud's cell.

sephiroth.jpg
Accidents happen. :lol:
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I'm not going to argue. Thanks, Sephiroth!
sephiroth.jpg
No problem, little buddy! Happy to be of help!

412_MTSYAYR.jpg


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Holy shit, there's a dead guard out here.
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There is? I was thinking more about the door.
tifalockhart.jpg
Oh yeah, it's open. Boring.
cloudstrife.jpg
But...
tifalockhart.jpg
Cloud! Dead guard! Much more interesting.
cloudstrife.jpg
Right. I'll go get Barret and Nanaki.
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I'll alert the whore.
cloudstrife.jpg
Don't call her that...

413_DING.jpg


Redxiii.jpg
I'll go scout ahead!

414_soundslikeaplan.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
What? I have to bring Tifa and Aeris with me? I could use you, big guy!
barretwallace.jpg
Your' startin' to get real fuckin' gay on me, son!
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, I...
barretwallace.jpg
Go with the ladies, boy. Mebbe you learn somethin' else about our relationship in the progress!
cloudstrife.jpg
Alright, alright.

Following the trail of blood, we meet up with Nanaki.

415_barftastic.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Oh my stars, that's a little too much blood for my tastes. Let's get the fuck outta here!
aeris_portrait.jpg
Hey, the frozen torso of evilness have disappeared!
cloudstrife.jpg
No more tits? :(
tifalockhart.jpg
What the fuck did you do here, Sephiroth!?
sephiroth.jpg
I love my mommy so much. :|
Redxiii.jpg
...

ONWARD!

416_followthetrailofblood.jpg


FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF BLOOD! F-F-FOLLOW T-T-THE T-T-TRAIL O-O-OF B-B-BLOOD-D-D-!!

417_f-f-followthetrailofblood.jpg


Oh noes, what happened here?

418_andthepresidentisdead.jpg


HELL YEAH FINALLY, MUTHAFUCKER!!

aeris_portrait.jpg
Who could have done such a thing?
sephiroth.jpg
Well, ah, I don't like to brag, but, ah, y'know... :wink:

419_wolverine.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Or Wolverine, could 'ave been Wolverine too!
sephiroth.jpg
No, it was all me!
Really?

420_butwolverine.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
'Course, mebbe it jus' was Wolverine n' disguise y'know?!
sephiroth.jpg
No, it wasn't! I did this! Ask Palmer! He's hiding behind that pillar!

421_p-p-palmercombofail.jpg


STUFF: Draq? Do you have anything to add?

sephiroth.jpg
See!? It was totally me!

422_didyouseewolverinedidyouseehim.jpg


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Did ya see 'im?! Did ya see Wolverine?! Talk, dammit!
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Aieee!! Black man rage!!
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Barret...
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Wha'?! Hey boy, that damn Kiefer ain't 'round no more so I have to take charge here!
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No, it was definitely Sephiroth!
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Really?
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Yes, he came here and tried to kill all of us, saying something about how he wouldn't let us have the 'Promised Land'.
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Sure sounds like me. :D
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So Sephiroth is on our side? :D
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He sure is! :D

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I thought we were buddies. I even released you from your cell!
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But you just killed a bunch of people!
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But they were EVIL people, Cloud.
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And you stole a frozen, naked and really creepy-looking mutant torso!
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She happens to be my mother, Aeris. :|
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And you killed my dad!
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Your EVIL dad, Tifa.
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And you have white hair!
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That's because I'm innocent and as pure as snow, Nanaki.
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Are you affiliated with the Shinra?
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No, Barret, I'm not.
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Well, I'm fuckin' convinced!
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I'm out of here!
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Hey come back here, little man!
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Rufus has arrived in the Shinracopter! He'll deal with you!

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Rufus! Man, oh man. Oh well.

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Good question, Tifa! Let's find out!

Right here, we can ask our party members what they know about Rufus. Surprisingly enough, Aeris is the only one who provides with any real information. Take it away, Aeris.

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AWESOEM!!!

Alright, let's go beat that fucker up.

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Oh no, not again. Oh well... ROLL CALL!

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A mercenary with a troubled past!
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A black freedom fighter with a troubled past!
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A martial arts student with a troubled past!
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The last remaining Cetra!
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With a troubled past, right?
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I thought I already said I was the last remaining Cetra?
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Oh. Right.
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And I'm a talking tiger with a troubled past!

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FACT: This is Rufus' second line in the game and you already love him a ton more than any of the player characters.

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Pleased to meet you!

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Likewise. Now please listen to my speech.

What? Hey, fuck yourself, buddy!

FACT: This is probably the moment where you realize that you don't like him as much as you thought you did.

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Speech?
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That's right. I'll let you hear my new appointment speech.
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No no no! That's alright!
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But I have to! How else would I characterize myself as a villain? Please listen, it won't take long. Old man tried to...
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What old man?
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My old man. My father. Sorry for the typos. I will execute my staff, but please - no interuptions.
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That's alright.
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My old man tried to control the world with money. It seems to have been working. The population thought that Shinra would protect them.
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Really?
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Yes. Work at Shinra, get your pay. If a terrorist attacks, the Shinra army will help you. It looks perfect on the outside. But, I do things differently.
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You do?!
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Yes. I'll control the world with fear. It takes too much to do it like my old man. A little fear will control the minds of the common people. There's no reason to waste money on them.
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Really?
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Yes.
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Really, really?
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Yes!
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FOREVER EVER? FOREVER EVER?
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YES YOU SPIKEY LITTLE FUCK!
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That was unnecessary.

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Whut?!
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I don't have time to explain, brown bear! Take the women and tiger and go!
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Awright!

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Let's kill each other, White.
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Let's do it, Purple.

[not pictured] So Barret, the tiger and the ladies get the hell outta here. On the way, though, Tifa realizes that there can only be three members in the party and so she decides to wait for Cloud while the others make their way out of the building. A wise decision, because it turns out Barret, Nanaki and Aeris would be attacked by a big fucking elevator-riding tank!

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HOLY SHIT ITS A TANK!

FACT: The Shinra expanded the elevators in a day so that the tanks could also ride them and there's absolutely nothing strange about this at all.

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Oh dear.
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Don' worry! We behind a glass window! He ain't gonna be able ta-

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Oh dear.
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MOTHERFUCKER!

Oh well. You beat this boss by beating it. Also lightning bolts work wonders. Next.

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IT'S A CHOPPER!

Kill it with lightning bolts.

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Well, tha's some easy ass boss fight!

It sure was.

FACT: In this game, everything can be killed with lightning bolts. Especially if it's a robot of some kind.

Alright, we still have to beat up Rufus. His shotgun and, uh, purple tiger :oops: against our really big sword!

But first!

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Let's talk about it! :wink:

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FACT: Cloud Strife - hogging all the 'Promised Lands' since 1997!

FACT: That was, like, totally innuendo.

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FACT: A lot of people cried when Aeris
fought Darth Vader
, but this scene is what made me cry. Like a total man, of course.

Oh well, so Cloud fight Rufus. He's easy even without lightning bolts. When you defeat him you get rewarded with one of the most normal looking faces in the game. BEHOLD!

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Also:

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Let's just get the fuck out of here. Hey, Sephiroth? You still with me, buddy?

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Yeah, I'm here. :D

Great. Are you ready to see the most awesome FMV in the game?

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Is it the one where I'm walking through fire and looking all badass? :D

No, but...

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:(

Alright, SECOND most awesome FMV in the game. :wink:

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... do you really mean that?

Yes, Sephiroth. With all my heart.

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:D

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I thought this was already kind of complicated?
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Well, even more complicated!

Or even more retarded.

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It's a thin line. :wink:

On level 1, Barret's team run into resistance!

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Nanaki! We're gonna have ta skin you an' wrap you thick fur 'roun' Aeris!
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No.
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But it should shield 'er from the bullets, dammit!
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Barret, I don't want to be a burden...

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Thank you, Mister Barret!
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Think nothin' of it!

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[not pictured] And so they all died. Game over.

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Hey! Take this game seriously!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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You're in luck, Red Mullet! Turns out that Cloud and Tifa have cooked up a brilliant plan!

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Really?

Oh yes. FMV TIME!

(Watch the thing on YouTube!
About this video: The original FMV from Final Fantasy VII. FF7 characters break the law: Cloud drives a motorcycle without a helmet and Barret rides in the bed of a truck.)

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My ears!

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Girls and tiger!

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Black man!

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Young dude on a motorcycle!

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The conveniently fueled-up, totally working car!

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LET'S GO, GANG!

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VROOM-VROOM!

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POWER RANGERS GO!

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FACT: Yes, it was too good to be true.

Alright, no man, woman or retard enjoyed this minigame. At least I hope noone did, but I'm a known optimist. Just press buttons like mad and you'll eventually be attacked by the boss.

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Yes, I didn't really give a fuck about the minigame. Anyway, beat the boss with lightning bolts and WE'RE FINALLY OUT OF MIDGAR!

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Good question, Barret! It never hurts to repeat things!

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Oh well, I guess this is where I leave. Bye!

Bye!

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We have a lovely choice here and I'm actually going to let you readers decide! What's it gonna be, buddies? Do we stay for a while or do we get outta Dodge?

FACT: I'm not going to listen to you anyway.

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Alrighty then!

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FACT: This is so goddamn fucking beautiful.

To be continued!
 
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