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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Lumpy Arcane

    Lumpy
    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,525
    I've just found out that Barret literally has a gun for a hand. What the fuck? What kind of a person that has a child chooses his prosthetic limb to be a mini-cannon?
     
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  2. Murk Arcane

    Murk
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    13,456
    He's black.
     
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  3. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Well, he did get a prosthetic hand/arm-whatever at first, but then he realized that he really, really wanted to kill Shinra and so he scoured the planet for a mad doctor that could install a gun.

    Is he man? Is he machine? Is he BOTH?!

    Pretty soon, we're going to put a nice cannonball in its place. Because melee attack nigga action is for the win!
     
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  4. Radech Augur

    Radech
    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2007
    Messages:
    471
    they are making a movie about his sister http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSpCWJnnWVI
     
    • decline decline x 1
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  5. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    That might very well be the most awesomest thing I have ever seen, but why do they have to scream all the time?
     
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  6. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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  7. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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    I loved the drill bra. :lol:
     
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  8. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    Location:
    Narnia
    [​IMG] Welcome to part two of "Things to do in Nibelheim when you're a incomplete." The next morning we got ourselves ready to brave Mount Nibel. We put several candy bars in our pockets and quickly found... a guide.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Tifa? You're the guide?
    [​IMG] What a coincidence, huh? Well, I just happens to be the number one guide in this town!
    [​IMG] How old are you? Where are all the miners? Surely, they would be much, much better suited at leading us up a dangerous mountain?
    [​IMG] I dunno.
    [​IMG] Oh well, I guess you're hired then.
    [​IMG] What? No, I can't allow this! I can't involve you in something like this!
    [​IMG] It's my call, boy. If I say we hire this fifteen year old girl to lead us up a dangerous mountain, then I say we hire this fifteen year old girl to lead us up a dangerous mountain! Is that understood?
    [​IMG] Yes.
    [​IMG] Good. Come on now.
    [​IMG] Yay!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We don't have time for that. Cut off that man's head!
    [​IMG] It's good PR. :)
    [​IMG] *grumble-mumble-sonoffa...* Oh well! Make it quick. Maybe it'll come in handy in a plot twist from hell much later on.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Tifa led us on a straight and narrow path... To be perfectly honest I didn't really understand why anyone thought we needed a guide. We travelled far and wide over the mountains of Nibel. Everything was fine and dandy, like a good Kenny Loggins song! Until... we tried to cross an old rope bridge!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I thought I was dead for sure but everything turned out just alright. We just landed on the alternate path leading to the reactor! We took out our candy bars and ate them. They tasted just as good as they would have if we hadn't fallen down a mountain. :D

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We're missing one of the guards. My new best buddy here is the only one who landed next to us.
    [​IMG] Well, it might seem cruel but we don't have time to search for that other guard. Don't worry, though, he'll find his way back to town. He's like a dog. Or a horse. Or something. Come on.

    [​IMG] I didn't like turning my back on the guy. Oh well, at least I had my new friend to talk to and practice poses with! How lucky it wasn't him who got separated from us, because I want him to see and hear everything we do! :D

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Sephiroth always got kind of mushy when he talked about nature. I even think I saw a book about nature in his infinity pants once. Boy, was he embarrassed or what!! :lol:

    [​IMG] Materia. When you condense Mako energy, materia is produced. It's very rare to be able to see materia in its natural state.
    [​IMG] By the way, why is it that when you use materia you can also use magic too?
    [​IMG] You were in SOLDIER and didn't even know that?

    MINDFU-yeah, you know.

    [​IMG] The knowledge and wisdom of the Ancients is held in the materia. Anyone with this knowledge can freely use the powers of the Land and the Planet. That knowledge interacts between ourselves and the planet calling up magic. Or so they say.
    [​IMG] Magic... a mysterious power.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Did I say something funny?
    [​IMG] A man once told ME never to use an unscientific term such as mysterious power! It shouldn't even be called 'magic'! I still remember how angry he was.
    [​IMG] What was that?
    [​IMG] You mean "who"?
    [​IMG] Yes. Damn translation. Not even my memory is safe.
    [​IMG] Hojo of Shinra, Inc. An inexperienced man assigned to take over the work of a great scientist. He was a walking mass of complexes.
    [​IMG] Sounds like everyone I know.

    [​IMG] It took a while, but eventually we reached the reactor.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I didn't say that!
    [​IMG] Yes you did, shit for brains.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Industrial secrets... monsters in the freezers... you know. :wink:
    [​IMG] Haha, you so crazy, Mr. Sephiroth!
    [​IMG] Yes. I know... :D Take care of the lady.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Well! I guess you better take extra good care about me then, blue boy.

    [​IMG] The interior looked quite different than all the other reactors we've seen so far. Actually, it wasn't much of a reactor. It was just a big room filled with some sort of capsules. Also I saw the word "Jenova" over a big door. I didn't know what it meant back then but... well... maybe it was some kind of boss battle room. :)
    [​IMG] Maybe?
    [​IMG] I don't want to spoil it for you. Anyway, Sephiroth quickly repaired the reactor.

    [​IMG] Why did it break?

    [​IMG] He looked inside one of the capsules.

    [​IMG] Now I see, Hojo. But, even doing this, will never put you on the same level as Professor Gast. Cloud, this is a system that condenses and freezes the Mako energy... that is, when it's working correctly. Now, what does Mako energy become when it's further condensed?

    QUIZ TIME!

    [​IMG] Uh, umm...... Oh yeah! It becomes a Materia.

    OOH! BARELY MADE IT!

    [​IMG]

    What awaits behind the glass window? Find out in-sixte-oh well, I guess we might as well continue.

    [​IMG]

    There. It's a monster of some kind. Are you happy now?

    [​IMG] Is this some kind of monster?

    SOME KINDA MONSTER HELL YEAH METAL!!!!

    [​IMG] Exactly.

    METALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

    [​IMG] And it's Hojo if Shinra that produced these monsters. Mutated living organisms produced by Mako energy. That's what these monsters really are.

    AWESOME!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh boy, I never should have asked him that! Next thing you know, ol' Sephie's hacking and slashing at the background. It looked kind of silly actually.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] AND THAT'S GOTTA BE WHEN YOU REALIZED HE WAS FUCKING INSANE AND EVIL BEYOND EVIL!!!
    [​IMG] Oh no. No, no.

    [​IMG] Oh well. It makes no difference. I have always known...

    [​IMG]

    Normally, I'd make a pretty obvious joke here but this isn't that kind of LP! Go read Quest for Glory instead, you ridiculously purple twat.

    [​IMG] Oh, so you have accepted this already?
    [​IMG] Yes, I think I can actually live a normal life with this knowledge.
    [​IMG] Really?
    [​IMG] No, you idiot!
    [​IMG] :(
    [​IMG] Leave me alone...

    [​IMG] THAT'S when I realized he was evil.
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] What?
    [​IMG] Oh yes.
    [​IMG] Because you were being fucking stupid?!
    [​IMG] Ah... well... yes.
    [​IMG] Oh dear god...
    [​IMG] Anyway, we were just about to wrap this up...

    [​IMG] But then!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] All hell broke lose!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Uh, yeah, whatever, shit for brains.
    [​IMG] What, but I just...
    [​IMG] Alright, you're not allowed to talk anymore.

    [​IMG]


    In the next update: the mindblowing conclusion of Memories of Mindfuckery!
     
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  9. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
    Joined:
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    oh yay - the next episode of my favorite codex series

    FF7 gets even more retarded further and further
    this cracked me up
    [​IMG]
    she put it like it was our own fucking choice
    and that's without stuff like getting the teenage girl to the dangerous mountain as a guide and the survival after the falling from that mountain.
     
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  10. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    10,789
    This is the best trailer I've seen since Machete.

    Quirky FF humor :P

    and... MOAR MINDFUCKERY PLEASE !
     
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  11. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    the lack of random encounters leading to the plant was quite out of the ordinary for FF game, but I suppose they just wanted to get rid of combat that does not give exp (since this is a flashback).

    I remember FF8 had flashbacks that involve combat and exp. And there's a PC version so...anyone wanna LP it? ;)
     
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  12. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    Squall is boring.
    he even does not try to pretend he is a cool guy like Cloud does - instead of that he's being all gay and emo.
     
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  13. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
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    10,789
    By all means , yes... erm I mean HELL YEAH ! I could not stomach the hideous draw system and I quit playing it not far from the start. Let's see some FF8 emo-ness.
     
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  14. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    "These are the ragtag bunch of stereotypes we're going to be getting to know. From left to right, we have Squall. He listens to Nickelback and carries a sword that's also a gun and oh my god fuck this shit."

    Renzokuken is good for a laugh, though. Especially if you're swedish and in touch with your inner Bethesda employee.
     
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  15. Nightjed Liturgist

    Nightjed
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    675
    Location:
    Wasteland
    actually the drawing system is not as bad as most ppl say, you can avoid some of the worst drawings if you know what is useless and distill some of it from items (ej, you can get curagas from 10 tents early in the game, saving you from drawing hp junction spells until the last part of the game).

    upgrading weapons can be more annoying than drawing, but you can finish the game without upgrading, so you can avoid the whole stealing business

    The story is even decent for about a third of the game but then goes to fuck when rinoa becomes the center of it.
     
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  16. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Oh yes, Rinoa. Fucking whining bitch. If you guys think Tifa is bad, you have no idea how much worse Rinoa is.

    I would applaud anyone that would attempt a FF8-LP, because, eh, I sure as hell won't do it. Not even if I didn't have this to work on.

    That said, I would really love to read a LP on Final Fantasy IX as it's probably one of the best FFs even though it has a villain that wears a thong and a plot that goes totally batshit insane out the fucking window at the end.
     
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  17. TheLostOne Savant

    TheLostOne
    Joined:
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    770
    Location:
    Limbo
    I hated 9's dipshit characters. Racing fucking anthro hippos?! The Fuck?
     
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  18. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Eh, FF9 have some of the best characters in the series. I know that isn't saying much but, eh, a Final Fantasy main character that isn't a fucking emo crybaby? Well, I find that very likeable.
     
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  19. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    ..Loc. It's just stretching it too far to have a MY character, MYSELF having a shit dangling from my ass and have to deal with a little princess named after a sharp weapon as well as having a party member whose main motivation is to eat anything.
     
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  20. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Yes, but you also have a slightly retarded knight captain to take the pain away.
     
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  21. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    oh man >_> whatever i'm glad my PS1 memory card died while playing it. Saved me some pain.
     
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  22. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,535
    An LP of Chrono Cross would be alright, just so the author could explain what the heck was going on like in that one KOTOR2 LP on the Somethingawful forums.

    I was able to deal with FF9 just right until the time that monkeyboy started to go emo.

    I have to give credit to the writers of FF7 for pulling off one of the more interesting takes on the amnesiac video game opening. Instead of just not remembering who you were yesterday, like in KOTOR,
    Show Spoiler
    Cloud assumes a twisted identity of Zack, sort of like how some creepy guy cuts out a picture of his head and pastes it on a photo of a celebrity. You then go through the story of where things just aren't adding up right, where Cloud goes through an identity crisis when Sephiroth plays mindfuck with him and eventually coming to the final resolution that, yeah, he was a blueshirt nobody in Shinra.

    Also Tifa is a real bitch for not setting the story straight in the beginning and possibly have avoided having Cloud handing over the black materia that called on Meteor. :|
     
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  23. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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    Yep, that's one of the things why I liked FFVII story.
     
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  24. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    I wonder how Locue will work on this "massive storyline turn". considering that only now FF7 is started to gain the high amounts of absurd. also - after that turn Cloud went just ultra-emo.
     
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  25. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    [​IMG]
     
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