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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Probably with a lot of panties and Colin Farrell. And jokes about gay intercourse, of course!

    (Nah.)

    In all seriousness, that's the one update I'm really looking forward the most to write because, eh, I like it. It's a cool plot twist and definitely one of the better parts of the game. As for how it will be done, well, Scorchy of Something Awful's KOTOR2-LP is the definite inspiration and I hope I'll manage to turn out something at least halfway the same quality. Read it in the LP Archives immediately if you haven't. Then forget you ever bookmarked this crap. :lol:

    More recommendations: Read anything by Chewbot. The guy is a tremendously talented writer and made me cough up dollars for Lowtax in a second just so I could keep up with him and give him a few pats on the shoulder.
     
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  2. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    hmmm let's see you're still in kalm. that plot twist...isn't gonna be out till end of april imo.
     
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  3. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    there's yet another Big Challenge for you Locue - and I'm looking forward for that update too - the turn with Aeris.
     
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  4. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    That's way too generous. Let's say october 2009 instead.
     
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  5. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    [​IMG] Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII. My name is Cloud and these are my memories, hell yeah! Now it's time to finally learn why we're all on this quest to save the world! Well, after our startling discovery at the reactor, we all decided to stay in Nibelheim for a few more days, but the people grew restless and nervous of our presence. I guess having a platinum blonde killing machine, all dressed in black and carrying a three meter long sword will do that to a small town. They asked me to talk to him.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] It was my best buddy again. "Hello, best buddy!" I said to him. "No worries! I shall take a look inside the room and see if he's hiding under the bed!" But, after looking under the bed, I pushed "select" on my utility belt and immediately saw a hidden door! "Awesome!" I shouted.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I found Sephiroth with a big book in his hands. For everyone's convenience he read out loud. That Sephiroth dude... always thinking about others! :D

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Professor Gast named that organism Jenny Ova.

    FACT: Fuck you.

    [​IMG] X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenny Ova confirmed to be an Ancient.

    REAL FACT: When asian game developers can't settle for a fixed date, they bring out the X-ess!

    [​IMG] X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenova Project approved. The use of Mako Reactor I approved for use...

    FACT: Doh!

    [​IMG] My mother's name is Jenny... Jenny Ova… Jenova... Is this just a coincidence? Professor Gast… Why didn't you tell me anything? Why did you die?
    [​IMG] Hi, Seph! Wanna come out and play?
    [​IMG] Leave me alone.
    [​IMG] Alright! Smell ya later.

    [​IMG] What?!
    [​IMG] Hey, you try argue with him whenever we find him. It wasn't easy when he was sane and it sure as hell isn't going to be easy now when he's all emo! See what'll do for you when you ask him what the fuck is up with him. And I mean, he was just reading books anyway. What harm could come out of that? Reading is something you'll have use for all your life!
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] It is!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Of course, maybe sometimes it kind of gets outta hand... I decided to give it another shot the next morning.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] My best buddy was worried. And with every right!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I almost pissed my pants. Sephiroth has one of the most creepy ha, ha, ha .....'s on the planet.

    [​IMG] Sephiroth?
    [​IMG] Who is it?! Oh, it's you.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Traitor?
    [​IMG] You ignorant traitor. I'll tell you. This was an itinerant race. They would migrate in, settle the Planet, then move on… At the end of their harsh, hard journey, they would find the Promised Land and supreme happiness. But, those who stopped their migrations built shelters and elected to lead an easier life. They took that which the Cetra and the planet had made without giving back one whit in return! Those are your ancestors.
    [​IMG] My ancestors? What?
    [​IMG] Hey, follow the script, boy. You're supposed to say "Sephiroth..." here!
    [​IMG] Oh. Right. Sorry.
    [​IMG] That's okay.
    [​IMG] Ahem... Sephiroth.
    [​IMG] No, no, no. Three dots.
    [​IMG] Why does it have to be... oh whatever. Sephiroth...
    [​IMG] That's better. Long ago, disaster struck this planet. Your ancestors escaped… They survived because they hid. The Planet was saved by sacrificing the Cetra. After that, your ancestors continued to increase. Now all that's left of the Cetra is in these reports.
    [​IMG] What does that have to do with you?
    [​IMG] Don't you get it? An Ancient named Jenova was found in the geological stratum of 2000 years ago. The Jenova Project. The Jenova Project wanted to produce people with the powers of the Ancients……no, the Cetra! …I am the one that was produced.
    [​IMG] Pr…produced!?
    [​IMG] Yes. Professor Gast, leader of the Jenova Project and genius scientist, produced me.
    [​IMG] How…how did he…?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    FANBOYISM: So. Goddamn. Fucking. Hardcore.

    [​IMG] Oh well, he was just going to see his mom, right? And she was all the way in that reactor. "What could go wrong" I wondered. I ran outside.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That damn asshole! What did my town ever do to him?! Goddamn platinum blondes. You can't trust them.

    By the way: Check out the campfire in the middle of the town. Damn campers. I bet they're germans. Fucking german people.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I thought "fuck, it's the goddamn jump-over-people-guy!" I tried to run away but he hypnotized me with his beard or something. Goddamn martial artist people! They all deserve to die. My best buddy agreed with me. Even though he was unconscious. Or... well, at least I think he was.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That old guy was crazy! I wasn't going to run inside a burning house, so while Old Spice was getting burned alive I decided to stand guard. That's when I saw Sephiroth.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Instantly I realized that whatever Sephiroth was going to do had the potential to become the most badass gif animation ever.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Why hello there, Cloud. I'm sorry about the town but... hey, did you know that my hair is 100% asbest?
    [​IMG] No, I can't say that I did.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That Sephiroth! He's insane! :lol:
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] Ehm, I followed him of course. I had to wait until someone had extinguished the fires of course, which explains why Tifa caught up with Seph way faster than me!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Daddy... :cry:
    [​IMG] Yes, boohoo. Your dad died. Big fucking deal. Shit, I don't even know what happened to my mom! She probably died but I don't know! I think she got written out of the game or something.
    [​IMG] But that's...
    [​IMG] It's not fair.
    [​IMG] But...
    [​IMG] IT'S NOT FAIR!! :cry:
    [​IMG] Oh, grow the fuck up.
    [​IMG] :cry:
    [​IMG] Alright, I'll continue the story now.
    [​IMG] Yeah, up to the point where you almost got killed anyway. :roll:

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Sephiroth was totally creepy. I mean, jeez, maybe his mom didn't want to see him? Anyway, I had his sword. It was totally shorter than I remembered.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] This is why I started studying martial arts.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I wasn't any good with weapons.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] He threw me down the stairs!
    [​IMG] That brute!
    [​IMG] That villain!
    [​IMG] That absolute fuckin' shitbag!
    [​IMG] What a guy!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I was really scared. I thought "oh well, at least I got to be fifteen..." But then I remembered...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Alright! It's time for me to make my heroic entrance!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh my, it would seem that I was too late. How dreadful.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I know, baby, but you can't always get what you want.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Into the freezer with you, lol! Just kidding. Alright, Sephiroth, you bastard! Let's settle this!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Let's rip this off...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Damn, my hair looks good.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Don't you think so too? Huh? Mom?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hey, Sephiroth! What do you think you're doing? What about MY sadness, huh!? My family, huh?! My friends, huh?! The sadness of having my hometown taken away from me, huh!? It's the same as your sadness!!
    [​IMG] Ha, ha, ha… my sadness? What do I have to be sad about?

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Jesus Christ pose #28471

    [​IMG] Sephiroth… I trusted you…

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    MINDFU-HU-HU-HUUUUUU-UCKKKK!!!!!!!!!

    FACT: This is exactly how the scene plays out.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What?
    [​IMG] Isn't there more?
    [​IMG] I don't remember. Funny, isn't it?
    [​IMG] Hell no it ain't funny! You go and get yo head sorted, boy! I wanna hear the ending! Now, boy!
    [​IMG] Well, umm, in terms of skill, I... couldn't have killed him. It's a miracle I even reached the reactor without his help. Something must have happened.
    [​IMG] No shit...
    [​IMG] Well, you killed him. It was in the newspapers after all, lol.
    [​IMG] No, that's not true. I challenged Sephiroth and lived. Why didn't he kill me?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Nobody cares, Tifa.
    [​IMG] :(
    [​IMG] There's a lot that doesn't make sense...
    [​IMG] Well, ain't no use standin' here all day an' talkin' 'bout it! Let's move before Shinra finds us! We've been here all day.
    [​IMG] Okay, that sounds smart.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Fuck you, Nanaki.
    [​IMG] Yeah, fuck you, Nanaki. I wonder where we should go now. Oh hey, let's ask that guy. Hey, guy. What's up?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Thank god for helpful people, that's all I'm saying, lol!
    [​IMG] Ain't that the truth, lol!


    To be continued!

    In the next update of Let's Play Final Fantasy VII: CHOCOBOS AND BIG FUCKING SNAKES!!!

    See you then.
     
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  6. kingcomrade Kingcomrade Edgy

    kingcomrade
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    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    it's therapeutic
     
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  7. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    That's no fucking way to behave around small children!
     
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  8. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    Sephiroth is the most badass emo evar
     
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  9. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
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    Eh? I still don't understand why we should care. Does that make me thick?

    Well done, sailor. Your little speech bubbles made this mess seem entertaining! 'tis almost a pity. It's difficult to convey just how crushingly painful this particular sequence is. You are a brave, brave Shining Force avatar to suffer through all of that.

    Isn't it just world map grinding for the next section? That must almost be a relief. You should have a go at killing that snake thingy. I trust you've got the Enemy Skill materia so you can snag 'Beta' from it, aye? You can spam something more efficient than Bolt 2 or whatever you've got at the moment.

    Anyhoo. MOAR FINAL FANTASY etc. etc. etc.
     
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  10. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    yeah I want to see the "heeey baeeeby" barret sequence
     
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  11. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I actually don't have many screenshots of the fighting stuff and I won't be able to get any either because I ventured forth a helluva lot. I snagged a screenshot on the snake but that's it. You won't be seeing any limit breaks and dancing around trying to hit the thing with flowery sticks. Is it something y'all wanna see? Maybe I can draw something in Ms Paint. 'Cause I'm NOT starting over just because you wanna see Cloud jump up in the air and slice the planet in two just to kill a bug. That's not happening. :wink:

    And yes, from now on I spam Beta at everything. It's a little bitchy to get it but it's lovely and a great addition to the Fire2/Ice2/Bolt2-show.

    Edit: skyway, that's going to be a while unfortunately. :cry:
     
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  12. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    [​IMG] Hello, boys and girls! It's Colin and Kiefer again!
    [​IMG] Meh.
    [​IMG] Now it's time to give this epic story about revenge and identity and stuff a little rest and start fighting stuff for kicks and completion! Back in the Shinra HQ we got ourselves a yellow Enemy Skill materia, an absolutely fantastic little thing capable of learning certain enemy attacks! I'm sure it's going to come in handy a lot! Let's go try it out immediately!
    [​IMG] Meh.
    [​IMG] Just a little note before we begin: Andy isn't big on taking screenshots of the battle sequences but it just proves what a man without a religion is capable of if he's asked a number of times. He actually backtracked all the way back just to snap these screenshots. So don't go asking about why he's all high-level.
    [​IMG] Because the boy is insane.
    [​IMG] He sure is. Let's begin! The first skill we're going to learn is called "Matra Magic", or "a bunch of missiles" that we can shoot at enemies! They inflict non-elemental damage.
    [​IMG] Completely useless.
    [​IMG] To learn it, we have to fight Robocop's old nemesis, that funky malfunctioning bi-pedal law enforcer ED-209!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Except now he's totally gay. Dick Jones should sue.
    [​IMG] He appears on these brown spots around Midgar.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Well, that was easy. What's next?
    [​IMG] L4 Suicide.
    [​IMG] Oh, that's another easy skill to learn!
    [​IMG] Who do we have to fight?
    [​IMG] A squirrel!
    [​IMG] A squirrel.
    [​IMG] Yes!
    [​IMG] I'm going to the bathroom.
    [​IMG] In fact, make it two squirrels just to be safe!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] This little fella holds the secret of suicide! You find him around the Chocobo Farm area and he takes a while until he uses it but when he does you can feel all happy and fuzzy!
    [​IMG] What does it do?
    [​IMG] It causes critical damage!
    [​IMG] So it actually doesn't do any suicidelly?
    [​IMG] No.
    [​IMG] Oh well, at least it does critical damage, right?
    [​IMG] Yes!
    [​IMG] That sounds good.
    [​IMG] To enemies with a level divisible with four!
    [​IMG] That sounds useless.
    [​IMG] It sure does. Fuck you, squirrel! Next is Chocobuckle!
    [​IMG] Let me guess, we have to fight a chocobo for that one?
    [​IMG] Yes! Have you been reading Gamefaqs?
    [​IMG] No.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Isn't he cute?
    [​IMG] In a retarded kind of way, yeah.
    [​IMG] Now, the only problem is that the skill takes A FUCKING LONG TIME TO LEARN because not all chocobos know it. The chocobo has to be on level 57 and a half or something and even then you're just going to have to pray that it actually uses it!
    [​IMG] That sounds like a waste of time.
    [​IMG] It does, and that's why we're skipping it now and that's why Andy skipped it in the first place. People who doesn't skip this skill are fucking idiots. It's not very good anyway and we can learn it some other time if people with guns ask us.
    [​IMG] What's next?
    [​IMG] BETA!
    [​IMG] Awesome!
    [​IMG] It sure is. Only problem is, eh, it's a bitch to get.
    [​IMG] But totally worth it.
    [​IMG] Oh yes. To get it, we have to defeat...

    [​IMG][​IMG] THE MIDGAR SHALOM SNAKE OF DOOM!!!!
    [​IMG] Hell yeah.
    [​IMG] It's a big fucking huge snake and even if you're high-level he can kick your ass if you come unprepared and he manages to hit you up with a dose of Beta. Beta inflicts MASSIVE FIRE DAMAGE, it's fucking nuclear! It doesn't matter what defense you have, you better come to the fight with fire absorbing armor or you're toast.
    [​IMG] Wow.
    [​IMG] Of course, I might be... bullshitting you a little. But he's hard, that's the truth. Don't overestimate him just because you pumped your STR stat to over 9000! Let's go fight him.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] See that shadow there? That's him. The beast. The Midgar Shalom Shalom Zolom Snake of Terror and Doom and Complete Fucking Mayhem. We're going to kick his ass.
    [​IMG] Alright.
    [​IMG] Wait here, Chocolat! (I named my chocobo Chocolat.)
    [​IMG] Kweh?
    [​IMG] Wait here while I go fight the big snake.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] No, Chocolat! Wait!
    [​IMG] Kweeehh!!!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] FUCKING CHOCOBOS!
    [​IMG] Dude, here it comes!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh well.
    Dude, how bad can a snake be?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Holy shit, it's huge.
    [​IMG] Alright, the thing here is to attack it.
    [​IMG] Uh?
    [​IMG] Seriously. He won't use Beta until he's almost dead so you have to bring him down a bit.
    [​IMG] Oh great.
    [​IMG] Eventually, he'll go all king cobra on us!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Holy shit!
    [​IMG] Oh yes. And he's definitely going to kick one of the party members out the screen while he's in this mood.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] If he manages to kick all of them out, it's game over.
    [​IMG] That's lame.
    [​IMG] Eventually, he unleashes Beta.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Holy shit it's a nuclear explosion!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] And that's how you get Beta. And as you can see from the screenshot (or not) Andy had a hard time with him even at his 30+ levels. This is because Beta is instant kill. Tifa was lucky she got kicked out. Don't think she would have survived.
    [​IMG] Shit.
    [​IMG] Shit, indeed!


    Tune in next time for more story progression and some more enemy skill fuckery with Colin and Kiefer as the brave heroes witness OBLIGATORY GAY RIVERDANCE SEQUENCE!

    See you next time. Toodles!
     
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  13. Lumpy Arcane

    Lumpy
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    Sep 11, 2005
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    8,525
    Wut? Wait, so, what happens when a party member dies?
     
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  14. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Don't go there, man! DON'T GO THERE!
     
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  15. somnium Scholar

    somnium
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    Why do you have such a ridiculous amount of HP for this point in the story?
     
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  16. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Because you think reading is difficult.

    edit: Seriously, people, I know there are lots of pretty pictures but there's text too. Please read the text. Many answers to life's most mysterious questions are found in the scriptures that surround "Let's Play Final Fantasy 7"
     
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  17. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    Dec 31, 2007
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    10,789
    [​IMG] Holy Shit ! this guy has been grinding like a crazy chocobo on crack !
     
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  18. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Oh, Locue. Please show us the battle sequences. Please teach us how to get the enemy skills. Do it for us.

    Well, just remember, guys: I did it all for you. :cool:

    :lol: at Newgrounds.
     
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  19. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
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    3,499
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    local brothel
    This one wasn't as funny as the last one, though that's probably because it was just about a boring fight against a giant snake. Apparently I'm not the only one who thought this, since it seems a number of people skipped over the first part where you clearly state why your party is high level.

    Looking forward to the next update, though.
     
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  20. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Exactly the reason why I haven't shown off the battles more than the some odd picture of the bosses. Battles are boring and unchallenging. The snake is the only challenging enemy so far and you can skip it and come back powered up for it anyway. Although it is very much beatable even on lower levels if you remembered to pick up the elemental materia. If you didn't... eh, you don't need Beta. You can get by with your lightning bolts.

    The next update is going to introduce Yuffie and is going to be at least sixteen inches of awesome, I think. I don't care what afewhours think. Yuffie is awesome because
    Show Spoiler
    she fucks the entire party over all the time!
    It's great!
     
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  21. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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  22. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
    Joined:
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    oh god that zoram snake was the nightmare when I first encountered it. I was thinking 'how tough can this fucker get? probably one of those 'in-game myth # 2131' And got owned in less than 3 turns Fucker.

    And yes. Yuffie is best female cast.
     
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  23. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
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    Isn't that really close to the Junen Harbor part? I always found that to be one of the better moments in the game.
     
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  24. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    It is. It's also very close to Fort Condor.
     
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