Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

[ghostdog]

FF4 and 6 are probably the best of the strangely attractive but usually annoying FF series. Less emo-faggoty in the story (IIRC) and better gameplay.

:chant: (fuck materia, fuck draw, fuck tidus , fuck horribly directed/acted 1h long cutscenes , fuck tidus ) :chant:

Yes, I played FFX the other day in a PS2 and yes, I learned ,the hard way, that savestates are a gift from god.

 

[Jasede]

Fuck FFX.

Hey, try 5 - it doesn't even have characters, or they're so bad they don't matter, but I like the system -so- much better than Materia and whatnot.

 

[Elhoim]

Fuck FFX.

Hey, try 5 - it doesn't even have characters, or they're so bad they don't matter, but I like the system -so- much better than Materia and whatnot.

Yeah, FFV system was really fun. They used it again in FFX-2, but it isn't that good there.

 

[Jasede]

Also, it has the Big Bridge song!

 

[WalterKinde]

FF X and FF X-2 may suck but you just can't be the J-Pop music videos in them both :D esp the intro one for FF X-2 or the "love scene" by the lake/river in FF X.
When i first saw those two i was like wtf why can't i skip these?

 

[Gragt]

In 4 (the only FF I played), I still had to grind for the last boss and it isn't a lack of skill, unless you call the boss one-shotting all characters a lack of skill.

http://ia341027.us.archive.org/1/items/ ... part32.mp4

Unless you consider beating the whole game in just over 3 hours a grind fest, I'd have to say it's a skill issue. You don't need your entire party to survive the attack, just a couple. Healing magic in the game is sickeningly powerful and elixers are plentiful. The guy in the above clip had Kain at level 60 something, rydia and rosa at 30 something, and cecil and edge at like 15. And he raped the boss dead ASAP. If you're willing to dick around with healing magic and items to draw out the battle you can do it at lower levels across the board.

Final Fantasy 4 (JP) is different from Final Fantasy 2 (US), the US version is notably easier than the Japanese one with reduced item prices, bosses having weaknesses and other changes in the same line. This lead to the misconception that the US version is based on the Easytype version but actually it is the other way around: Easytype is based on the US game and made even easier. When I said I played FF4, that's what I meant: I played the FF4 Japanese rom with the 10th anniversary patch applied. I doubt you can do a 3 hours speedrun of the original FF4.

Chrono trigger was just plain easy. Most multi target enemy attacks are either elemental and therefore pointless, or do damage based on your maximum hp. You can win the game with level 10 characters if you steal some stat tabs.

It's easy indeed especially if you have some experience of that kind of game but then again it never really felt tedious. I wish they added a harder mode but I guess you can't have everything. Most of the challenge comes from discovering the weaknesses of bosses, what techniques work best. I found the game mostly easier when replaying it, when knowing what characters to bring and what techniques to use. It's easy to figure out though that Marle's Haste tech is one of the most powerful stuff at your disposal.

I'm not certain about beating Lavos at lvl 10 though. You can actually reach it early in the game the problem though is limiting your level, even if you can avoid most fights some are still required, I guess maybe by having your characters die in turn you could limit it but I'm not sure. It actually seem like a lot of work. As for stealing tabs, you'll need to get Ayla first for that. Plus equipment has a bigger impact than stats in that game, I could actually picture low level characters beating Lavos with the right equipment.

 

[Jasede]

I'll say that FF 4 original (the Japanese original rom with a translation patch) is my most favouritely balanced jRPG ever. It's hard enough to discourage mindless grinding, but instead tries to force you to figure out strategies to beat bosses and stuff like that.

I played 4 (English) first, which was difficult for me ~10-13 years ago because it was my very first jRPG, then played 4 (the Japanese one) 5 years ago and had a much easier time - despite the game being vastly more difficult. I'd say it's because you figure out more tactics and strategies as you get older. And I never had to grind - ever. (Excempting 3 trips through these magnetic caves because I ended up running out of some item, then another item, and so on, just before its boss, as well as numerous jabs at the final dungeon). I really liked it.

You know, jRPGs were better when they didn't have 60 min cutscenes and CGI: Chrono Trigger, the older Final Fantasies, Earthbound... Lufia II. All great games as far as shallow me is concerned.

 

[Gragt]

I'll say that FF 4 original (the Japanese original rom with a translation patch) is my most favouritely balanced jRPG ever. It's hard enough to discourage mindless grinding, but instead tries to force you to figure out strategies to beat bosses and stuff like that.

I guess it's on the list of my replays and I admit I did not need to grind all the time but some passages required me to. Zeromus was one-shotting all my characters and I tried a few times using spells or items but it did nothing at all. At least grinding with an emulator is easy: increase framerate, walk around and autoattack.

You know, jRPGs were better when they didn't have 60 min cutscenes and CGI: Chrono Trigger, the older Final Fantasies, Earthbound... Lufia II. All great games as far as shallow me is concerned.

Sometimes less is more.

Chrono Cross has a bigger and more convoluted story but I did not mind because it is simply brilliant. Its main weakness though is the pacing as often you get big parts of the plot delivered at once and it meakes it a bit hard to digest at times.

 

[Damned Registrations]

You can beat chrono trigger at insanely low levels because of the lifeline tech. It take a stupid amount of items to restore your mp every time you cast it though, since you do fuck all damage the entire time.

My main gripe with CT bosses was the fact that they told you the weaknesses half the time. When you already know the dinosaurs are weak to lightning, casting Spire on Nizbel is a no brainer. The only ones I really had trouble with were the first golem fight in Zeal (Which doesn't end the game when you lose) and fighting queen zeal (Hallation type attacks are fucking evil when you don't use items.) I used Chrono Frog and Ayla most of the game, the double and triple techs are insanely useful, as well as dino tail and frog squash.

Never tried the original FF4, so I have no idea how it compares to easytype. I still can't imagine it taking a whole lot of grinding if you were really skilled though. There are a lot of tricks to make things work better for you, like reflecting spells to amp their damage, the blood sword, etc. He beat the game without collecting any of Rydia's summons, which are a huge help. He also missed out on a lot of the best equipment. Throwing Houchou alone is a free 9999 on the end boss.

Hmm, after reading about it, I might just fire up the ol 9x and give it a try. I'd known Cecil originally had dark wave, but had no idea about all those other abilities they axed. I haven't had a decent FF style game to play since BoF 3.

 

[Jasede]

Hah, I might have grinded without noticing: I tried getting that Pink Tail (1/64 chance to encounter the enemy that drops it, 1/64 chance for him to actually drop it) for like twenty minutes, which was good XP in the final dungeon. I only barely survived Big Bang, but I knew it does less damage if you steal that item Zeromus has with your ninja, so I survived. A lot of fun.

You know, I'd not mind playing a jRPG like this again, but I just can't find a good one. All they make now is basically movie-games where the gameplay is crammed into some small corner.

Edit: DR, I really recommend playing FF4jp, translated, on an SNES emulator. It's really, really fun if you like this sort of game. Heck, I might replay it a third time because of this thread, it was that much fun. Linear as hell though, and not much variety (you get a fixed party), but that's off-set by fun difficulty curve, good encounters and a lot of other good qualities. I wish they'd cross FF 4 with 5's character system. That'd be a sweet game.

 

[Gragt]

Hah, I might have grinded without noticing: I tried getting that Pink Tail (1/64 chance to encounter the enemy that drops it, 1/64 chance for him to actually drop it) for like twenty minutes, which was good XP in the final dungeon.

Hehe, I'd consider it grinding by omission.

I only barely survived Big Bang, but I knew it does less damage if you steal that item Zeromus has with your ninja, so I survived. A lot of fun.

Yeah, I actually managed to get it on the second try, pure luck of course.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Welcome back to Let's Play Final Fantasy VII! The finest, best, most awesome and simply the coolest LP on all the internets in the entire world. I'm Kiefer Sutherland and with me today is Colin ”Sparkplug” Farrel!

'Sup?

A'ight, Shirtshock! Let's get this party started!

When we last left off, well, Cloud got instructed by his very upset sergeant and two fellow soldiers with unhealthy Fred Astaire-aspirations.

Yes, and they certainly drilled the crap outta him.

Please don't start, Kiefer. This is a family LP!

Oh come on, Collar Funnel...

No! I realize you and Locue thinks cracking jokes about homosexual relations on the internet are funny as heck.

Hehehe... homosexuality...

Shut the fuck up!

You think you're so clever, so funny! But you know what, Kiefer? You know what you guys really are?! A bunch of childish, immature and extremely insensitive non-achievers, using the anonymity of the internet to display your own insecurity regarding your sexuality!

...

Someone has to say it! This LP started out alright, we even had that Vault Dweller dude saying it was the first thing he wanted to read when he visited the Codex!

... He did?

Yes!

Your LP is the first thing I read when I visit the Codex, dude. Thanks to you I finally defeated that Scorpion tank! You rock!

Shit...

Yes! But not anymore. Now it has sunken so low that not even the original author wants to touch it.

Yes, we had to steal his login and everything.

We're the real Colin Farrel and Kiefer Sutherland.

As if they didn't know already.

Shut up. Now let's turn this LP around!

Alright! Let's do it! First screenshot! Go!

Goddamn, my back hurts from last night.

...

...

Guess they didn't use enough lube.

Ah-HAH!!

Couldn't resist.

Swear I can hear someone giggling like fuck on the other side of that monitor...

There's noone here!!

*giggle*

Alrighty! Guess I better get to the dock then.

On the way to the dock, Cloud stumbles upon the entrance to the Shinra secret underwater submarine materia research base!

I wonder if I will be forced to investigate that in the future?

I wonder too.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, well, eventually Cloud finds the dock!

Alright, so this is another minigame. Move your arms the same way your fellow soldiers do and you'll get an apple or something.

You actually get a weapon or something.

Yeah, a weapon made of apples or something. Whatever.

We certainly don't need no sword made of apples! We naturally position ourselves as rebellious as humanly possible.

Looks more like he's flexing for that rape tiger!

RAPE TIGER!!!

Looks like the old "hide-in-plain-sight" trick in action again.

RAPE TIGER!!!!!

Yes. Anyway, we ended up getting that apple sword anyway. It's Force Stealer or something. It's stupid looking so we won't equip it.

But it's lilac!

Stupid looking dark pink!

But..

Stupid looking dark pink!!

Okay, okay!

Alright, I guess Cloud and his buddies are gonna go onboard that boat then?

Oh yes!

That kind of sounds stupid.

Look, they won't get the Tiny Bronco or Highwind airship or flying rape chicken for another couple of years so this is what they have to do!

And I guess there won't be anything suspicious about this?

Nope. No suspiciousity at all.

Stop making up words.

I wonder if we'll see that guy again?

Why would you ever want to see a man with a ponytail again?

I've no idea. We probably won't for a very long time. Motherfucker Locue fucked up and failed to trigger the Hojo encounter in Costa Del Sol because he wanted to peek on Barret in the shower instead.

Makes sense.

But we'll see him sooner or later.

Naked Barret?

Hojo.

Oh. Of course. Hojo! Um...

Because none of us want to see naked Barret, right?

Of course not. None of us would certainly never even want to request fanart of naked Barret, either? Right?!

Absolutely not. No FANART OF NAKED BARRET allowed!

When Let's Play Final Fantasy VII returns, we certainly don't want no pictures of naked Barret in the thread!

Alright, Cloud. Get on the boat now.

Alright! I'll get on this boat now!

TO AMERICA!!

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

Why is that comma there in the last screenshot?

 

[ghostdog]

To make the narrator stop for a moment so that the last part of the sentence feels more, epic.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

MOARRRRRRRR!

 

[MetalCraze]

Yeah Locue you gotta continue this.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I agree.

 

[Carrie Underwood]

MOAR!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Fuck off. You fuckers know I do updates on a "when I feel like it"-basis. Or when people beg me enough. Anyway, here's...

Chapter 28 - Good day to cross a river!

Be thankful.

JOKE ABOUT COMMAS: I am, as always unless I say otherwise, Locue, pronounced like "Low Cue" or "Doctor Dude" or "Dude Doctor" if you can't get around the invisible w. Some people have a hard time with that. You may know me as the friendly neighbourhood ninja master and parttime pokemon deflowerer from the past. In the last update, a year ago or something, Cloud and his friends, with invaluable help from the real Colin Farrell and the actual Kiefer Sutherland, finally hitched a ride to America with Chin-Rah's super trouper ocean cruiser, disguised as proper Chin-kickah' soldiers, sailors and other freaks, of nature.

You make it sound so poetic.

I know. Take it away, Cloud!

Yuffie immediately became seasick and decided to block our path to a potion.

She claims the sea is making her ill. What. A. Bitch. WHAT DID THE SEA EVER DO TO YOU, HUH!!???!

...it's making me *urrgh...* ILL! Oh God! There's no end to this horrible rocking!

Whatever, you horrible j-pop stereotype. Moving on, we spotted Aeris who talked mainly about cocks.

Well, at least I think it was Aeris. Everyone's wearing these goddamn helmets so it's almost impossible to identify the breasts inside the uniform. And at least I think she was talking about cocks. Moving on!

...airships...

Shut up! You're not allowed to break the fourth wall like I am!

*...uhhrrrrghhhhh!!!*

You're fucking hopeless! Where's that other whore?

Tifa sure hates everything! Jeez, Tiffany! Calm the fuck down!

Bitch, if it wasn't for all that we wouldn't be here!

That's kind of the point, dumbass.

Women! I'm off to Fort Condor!

Uh, we're on the Atlantic sea, Cloud.

Dammit! What's there to shoot here?

Tempting...

What?

Nothing. Wipe your ass.

What?

Where the fuck is Barret?

Did you honestly lose sight of an enormous black man with a machine gun attached to his arm?

Yes. Maybe Aeris know where he went.

What the fuck? Did you honestly lose sight of a gigantic nigger with a jackhammer attached to his cock?!!

Uh, yes?

Women! Maybe he's up on deck. I'll go find him.

Hey, baby. You looking at Rufus' ass?

Shut up, white boy! DANGEROUS SURVEILLANCE ESPIONAGE WORK IN PROGRESS HERE!

Oh. Sorry.

What?

I'm just itchin' to throw myself in there an' shoot 'em fulla lead but there's a damn window between me and them!

Right. But windows are your best friend.

Not right now it ain't! Can't get to them fuckers. But at least they ain't noticing me so that's all good.

Yes. It's what windows do! You hide behind 'em and no one can see you!

Damn straight!

Kinda gay actually.

Fuck yeah, boy!

Ah fuck, what now?!

Fuckers must've found Yuffie's vomit! Let's go!

Time to go all Titanic on this ship's ass!

But I'm standing!

Yeah, but your ass's sittin' on muthafuckin' AIR!!

What?

Come on, whitey!

So the gang quickly assembled on deck, as they had trained to do in case of an emergency situation. They were all there. No one was missing. Slowly, they came to the realization that the suspicious character weren't one of them.

Colin! They must have found him! We have to help my boyfriend!

Be quiet, Female Human. The suspicious character is most likely Sephiroth. NOT your imaginary lover.

He's not imaginary...

Yes. That Sephiroth. I believe it would be in our interest to investigate.

Can't we leave that to the soldiers?

Do you honestly believe they will be able to find him?

Guess not.

But this is a large ship! Where could he be?

What's the only area we haven't been allowed to go into yet?

The muthafuckin' engine room!

Boom Shakalaka!
What?

It's an old swedish saying that american basketball players stole.

What's a swedish?

I think it's a sausage of some sort.

I like sausage.

Come on, humans!

Let's go in there and use his tonsils as a punching bag!

Roqua?

Who?

Nanaki, Cloud and Aeris busted into the engine room, confident in their abilities to give Sephiroth the most thorough mouth n' ass rape ever.

Answer me, Roth baby!

Pull down his pants!

Alright, here goes!

Wha-what?

AHHHH!!!!

Be quiet! Obviously this is not Sephiroth but rather just some poor man who got caught up in a dangerous game. Most likely he just met his demise a few seconds ago, probably by stumbling into the sharp side of Sephiroth's--

Be quiet!

Just a dead guy.

That's... kind of what I was trying to say.

You take too goddamn long! Where's Sephiroth?!

I'm scared.

Who said that?! Come out!

Calm down, Cloud.

I'M CALM!

He's trying to use your fear to gain advantage. Don't let him.

Fear is the mind killer!

Yes. All... that.

Yay!

Shut. The Hell. Up.

Just be calm and everything will be...

HOLY FUCK HE JUST APPEARED RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE!! SHOOT HIM BARRET!!

Barret's not here.

WHAT?! WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!? STRIKE HIM WITH YOUR SWORD CLOUD!!

I can't. It's cutscene paralysis.

WE'RE DOOMED!!

Uh, okay. Hello, Sephiroth. Thanks for busting us out of Shinra HQ.

MINDFUCK!!

Tall guy. Big sword. Spiky, blonde hair? We used to shower together?

The time... is now...

The time is now? What?

Can you be a little bit more specific, my good man?

The Matrix...

...has you.

Do YOU have raging boner? I have a raging boner!

That was kind of cool.

You're idiots! Watch out for the horrible tentacle monster in the corner!

What horrible tentacle monster in the corner?

THAT horrible tentacle monster in the corner!

Oh, THAT horrible tentacle monsters in the corner!

It's not really a corner, is it?

I hate you.

Killing the horrible tentacle monster, the horrible tentacle monster starts it's Last Dance and quickly Disintegrates back into The Same Deep Waters As You and somewhere, someplace, Robert Smith is incredibly offended.

Looks more like the tentacle of Jenova, am I right?

No idea.

Uh, how about NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!

Okay, I was only asking. Jeez!

I can explain if you want, Cloud.

Whatever. I'll go collect that COOL FIRE GOD SUMMON MATERIA over there while you do it.

Splendid. Alright, story time!

Yay!!

Alright, so five years ago Sephiroth went nuts and started searching for the Promised Land so he could rule the world. That's "Promised Land" with a big "P" and a big "L", Aeris.

Swell!

Shut up. And now we just saw him again. And he was carrying Jenova with him.

He was?

Yes. In his infinity pants.

I want infinity pants!

Well, you can't have any! They're mine!

Anyway, Jenova is apparently Sephiroth's mother and he wants to bring her to the Promised Land. That's all we know so far.

Eww, he put his deceased mutant mother in his pants!

Eh, nothing new.

I... guess not.

*mocking* AND JUST LIKE THAT, EVERYTHING WAS FINE AGAIN! *mocking*

They're probably used to this sort of thing.

Ugh!

Come on, Nanaki. We gotta get off this boat.

Do not touch me.

Aeris and Nanaki left the engine room. Cloud stayed for a moment of dramatic contemplating.

*sigh* Sephiroth is alive. The Promised Land... does it really exist? What does it all mean? Time... Sephiroth said "the time is now" ... What did he..? *What* is now? So much I don't understand... Oh...

CLOUD FUCKING STRIFE! IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND COME WITH US WE'RE GONNA FUCKING LEAVE WITHOUT YOU!!

Oh! Sorry! COMING!

Yeah, I've heard all that shit before!

TO BE CONTINUED!

In the next update: We get the fuck out of Costa Del Sol!
In the next next update: The Return of Flappyjack! NUFF SAID!

 

[Carrie Underwood]

"I can't. It's cutscene paralysis."

 

[FrancoTAU]

Christ, that annoyed me so much when everyone on the boat just no sold that their ex super soldier guy raided their boat and killed a bunch of them. This game really sucks from Fort Condor until you get Cid.

 

[LarsTheSurly]

This is great stuff, but I gotta ask...

What the hell motivated you to do this?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Internet fame.

I'm glad so many people seem to like this, considering it's questionable quality. That's probably why I keep going.

 

[DraQ]

"I can't. It's cutscene paralysis."

It was in oblivion too! :D

 

[Fat Dragon]

"I can't. It's cutscene paralysis."

It was in oblivion too! :D

Heh, it was pretty retarded how the pc just stands there and watches Patrick Stewart get cut down even though he had plenty of time to run forward and stop the assassin.

On topic, glad to see this LP isn't dead. Looking forward to the next update, whenever that may be.