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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

FrancoTAU

Cipher
Joined
Oct 21, 2005
Messages
2,507
Location
Brooklyn, NY
Too late, he missed that opportunity with naming Barrett already.
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
Barett's part black, part bizarre caricature. Barack Obama is part black, part white. Just like Cate Sith. Also, he's from Hawaii. Therefor, you must name the cat mog toy thing Barack Obama.

And name Cid John McCain... and name Vincent... Steven Colbert...
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
No no no! Cait Sith is both black and white, just like Obama. Cid is an old white guy, just like McCain.

Your idea isn't shallow enough.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
You shut the hell up, commie! Go back to Russia.

edit: There will be no more polls. I'll name the characters. I'm the one doing all the work, anyway!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 29 - I scratch your balls, you scratch mine.

Recently I changed my internet forum alias bullshit name thing to better reflect my modest personality. My name is now Andyman Messiah, the artist previously known as Locue, who in turn was the artist previously known as robocopfan9 I kid you not. People used to walk past me and they'd turn and yell "hey, robocopfan9!" and I'd like react instantly and turn around to face them and I'd drop my semi-automatic knife which I was carrying on my head and I'd be like "fuck you, fuck you, i'm Locue now!!" and they'd go like "oh sorry, i didn't know" and I'd be like "that's okay, man" and throw my knife after them. And now when I was shopping for a new couch that fucker yelled "hey, Locue!" and I was like "fuck you, fuck you, I'm Andyman Messiah!!" and I threw my knife after them and they were like "oh sorry, i didn't know" and I was like "I'll kill you with death, you cocksucker!" and then they threw me out of Hot Topic and I had to buy my tomatoes someplace else. It sucked, man!

Anyway, welcome to Final Fantasy's Costa Del Sol. It's probably just as boring as the actual Costa Del Sol. I haven't been there because Spain hate my guts, but I'm pretty good at knowing stuff I don't know anything about.

Before we begin: this is a motherfuckingly boring and short update. There was probably a lot of potential here but I just didn't care for it. You can probably skip it and wait for the next update instead and not miss anything. Remember that Flappyjack of Pokemon Emerald fame and everyone's favorite piece of Barret-dialogue will be in Chapter 30. So ignore this crap and wait a couple of years.

Anyway, here goes:

Those damn kids arrive! Goddammit, I hate them all.

729_thenewcontinent.jpg


Anyway, from now on, whenever you wanna get back to the first continent you can hitch a ride with this boat. You'll especially wanna do this when you get the second enemy skill materia and if you're fucking dumb like me who's going for a 100% completed FF7.

Btw: FACT: I use the word "anyway" a lot.

730_alright-welcometocostadelsol.jpg


YES IT SURE IS HOT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER HERE!

731_righty.jpg


YES I'M SURE WE'LL BLEND RIGHT IN!

TOO BAD BARRET DIDN'T KEEP HIS SAILOR SUIT!

732_whatanicecompliment.jpg


HE SURE DID!

Our intrepid heroes leave the screen, and causes Rufus and Heidegger to finally leave the boat.

733_hesurewas.jpg


HE SURE WAS! KILLED MOST OF OUR MEN, SIR.

734_theysurewere.jpg


THEY SURE WERE, SIR!

735_hesuredid.jpg


HE SURE DI...! Wait, what? How is this Heidegger's fault?

736_CRAZYCUBANDICTATOR.jpg


I can completely understand what Heidegger is going through right now.

Alright, let's do some sightseeing. You'd think there's plenty of stuff to do here. Well, if only you knew! Here's just some of the exciting things you can encounter in Costa Del Sol!

PEOPLE WHO WEAR HATS!

737_imgonnakillyou.jpg


PEOPLE WHO TRY THEIR BEST TO ONLY WEAR HATS! (But don't.)

738_weneedtogetthehelloutofthistown.jpg


NOCLIP!

739_cloudenternoclip.jpg


OLD FRIENDS WITH AMNESIA THAT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER!

742_MINDFUKK.jpg


BATHING GIRLFRIENDS!

743_bigshocksyousay.jpg


HOSTILE TAKEOVERS BY UNDERAGE SHEMALE NINJA PROSTITUTE ENTERPRENOURS!

744_yuffsterisenterprenaueringdashi.jpg


INCENTIVE TO LOCK YOUR DOORS!

745_bigsailoryousay.jpg


And directions to the only other place you can travel to. How awesome.

746_sincewemessedaroundweskippedthe.jpg


What you don't find, however, is Professor Hojo. I have no idea why I didn't meet him this time. You normally have a chat with him at the beach but this time, instead of a creepy scientist with a ponytail I just got a bikini babe who pointed me in the direction of Sephiroth. And it only takes her like three sentences compared to Hojo's mad scientist bullshit.

FACT: Me = Not complaining.
FACT: You = ???

Yeah, so we leave town after doing all these completely trivial things. There are a couple of items lying around that you can and should collect but it's nothing special. Also don't buy anything.

Anyway, let's make sure we're on the right track. Hey, old man. Did you see a guy in a black cloak?

747_yeah.jpg


Awesome. To be motherfuckingly continued!


Up next: HAAEY!! BAAEBY!!

Nuff said!
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
This is a post made solely to increase my post count so I can make a joke.

Egg and Ham Sandwich, muster the Rohirrim.

Also, please name Cait Sith Barack Obama or an anagram of it.
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
11,079
For some unknown reason I laughed manically for about 1 minute with this one :

736_CRAZYCUBANDICTATOR.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
That's just a low-resolution "i", you damn woman!

Sovy wins a prize for remembering where Cloud encountered the redhead. He was part of the punk rock mugger gang and he and his girlfriend just barely got out alive, although rather shaken up by the whole pancake incident which flattened most of their friends.

(His girlfriend is in the shower, trying to wash out all the red in her hair.)

Your prize is a cheerful clap-clap-clap from a guy in front of a laptop in Sweden. Here goes: clap-clap-clap. Good job, dude.

FACT: ghostdog is easily amused. Thank God for that!
 

Elhoim

Iron Tower Studio
Developer
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,878
Location
San Isidro, Argentina
Andyman Messiah said:
Sovy wins a prize for remembering where Cloud encountered the redhead. He was part of the punk rock mugger gang and he and his girlfriend just barely got out alive, although rather shaken up by the whole pancake incident which flattened most of their friends.

(His girlfriend is in the shower, trying to wash out all the red in her hair.)

Your prize is a cheerful clap-clap-clap from a guy in front of a laptop in Sweden. Here goes: clap-clap-clap. Good job, dude.

I'm sure that guy is Tifa's friend from Sector Seven. You can see when he leaves S7, at the entrance of the Honeybee Inn and here. His name is Johnny, and he has a crush on her (or her boobs). I think that in this scene, when you find him, he was masturbating after seeing Tifa naked while taking a shower (you can see her in the screen).
 

LarsTheSurly

Scholar
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
137
Location
Surrounded by idiots
Before we begin: this is a motherfuckingly boring and short update. There was probably a lot of potential here but I just didn't care for it. You can probably skip it and wait for the next update instead and not miss anything. Remember that Flappyjack of Pokemon Emerald fame and everyone's favorite piece of Barret-dialogue will be in Chapter 30. So ignore this crap and wait a couple of years.

Don't leave us hanging after that masterful buildup! The suspense is killing me!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Well, you're just gonna have to wait a couple of years, dammit!

I have to search for a new mudkip avatar that fits the size I use for the others. That sort of thing takes time!

edit: btw, FUN FACT: That disclaimer (this is a motherfuckingly boring... etc.) was originally going to be used for Chapter 28.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Well, you are certainly in luck! I'm a GREAT writer!

I'll make it epic! I'll do it justice! I'll show all of you that this isn't just for butt jokes! Hell yeah, boys! Let's do this!

(In a couple of years. Busy watching Harvey Birdman at the moment.)
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Don't you worry, Frankie boy. The epic journey of Chokebot, the sadomasochistic bird robot will leave everyone flappyjackered. Or flabbergasted I guess. I dunno.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
What the hell is this? Signs of productivity? Haha, you fucking wish! No this is just a...

Sneak preview of Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
(Excerpts from The Memoirs of Barret Wallace)


barretwallace.jpg
Coming back to my dear hometown Corel after all these years brings back a lot of memories. My wife, Myrna. My friends. Finally seeing the sunlight after a day down in the mines. The sun... Oh, it's a big, yellow ball of concentrated orange juice up in the sky. It gives us life. It gives us warmth. It also gives us cancer, but I like to think that's a collaboration with God. Damn Almighty can't make something that's just good now, can he? Every little thing's gotta have something negative in it. That's why we humans invent sun lotion and lubricants. We do this so we can go out at stormy, rainy, completely awful nights and put our fists in the air and yell, as the thunder strikes our houses and horses; "Hey, God, leave the sun alone, man! We don't want any cancer crap from you, man!" Then we go back in before we catch a cold. The next day we rebuild our houses and bury our horses. And we watch the sun as we hammer and we dig; it's the most beautiful thing ever.

748_doesntthislookabsolutelygorgeou.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Hey, Cloud! Get the fuck outta the way! You're ruining the fuckin' picture!
cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, sorry!
barretwallace.jpg
Too muthafuckin' late! Fuck! Fuck these disposable cameras!

barretwallace.jpg
I'm Barret Wallace. I fight for sunlight. This is my story.
 

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