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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Epic is just the beginning.
     
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  2. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    21,104
    Location:
    Urkanistan
    Locue stop bathing in your fame and do something useful
     
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  3. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Useful is only the beginning.
     
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  4. Imbecile Arbiter

    Imbecile
    Joined:
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    Location:
    Bristol, England
    I was pondering trying to prompt you to say something amusing ending in "is only the beginning", but then realised that i couldn't really be arsed.
     
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  5. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Your arse is only the beginning.

    Whatever. I'm working on an update.
     
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  6. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
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    7,715
    Do it faggot.
     
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  7. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    It'll be done tomorrow. I suggest jerking off to anime girls in the meantime.
     
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  8. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
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    It's hell getting through that game, a mountain of retarded text I don't care about, and then sex scenes I care even less about.
     
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  9. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Then why play it? Hell, why do a goddamn LP of it? I mean, you'd be better off doing a game you actually like instead of some weird interactive novel where you fuck your cousin and her friends when they're dressed up in bunny suits. Just saying. Leisure Suit Larry is more rewarding.
     
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  10. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
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    For the LP.

    For it's ridiculousness (and the awesome choices and consequences). It's so obviously made to egostroke small peni asians that I have to show it to the world. I can get through it, it's just that I have to do it in mostly 10 minute increments or so. Plus I have to play until the appearance of tentacles or rape. If there isn't any, then the game is truly defective.
     
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  11. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
    Part One: Epic to the point of being very epic & The Memoirs of Barret Wallace

    [​IMG] Coming back to my dear hometown Corel after all these years brings back a lot of memories. My wife, Myrna. My friends. Finally seeing the sunlight after a day down in the mines. The sun... Oh, it's a big, yellow ball of concentrated orange juice up in the sky. It gives us life. It gives us warmth. It also gives us cancer, but I like to think that's a collaboration with God. Damn Almighty can't make something that's just good now, can he? Every little thing's gotta have something negative in it. That's why we humans invent sun lotion and lubricants. We do this so we can go out at stormy, rainy, completely awful nights and put our fists in the air and yell, as the thunder strikes our houses and horses; "Hey, God, leave the sun alone, man! We don't want any cancer crap from you, man!" Then we go back in before we catch a cold. The next day we rebuild our houses and bury our horses. And we watch the sun as we hammer and we dig; it's the most beautiful thing ever.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hey, Cloud! Get the fuck outta the way! You're ruining the fuckin' picture!
    [​IMG] Oh, sorry!
    [​IMG] Too muthafuckin' late! Fuck! Fuck these disposable cameras!

    [​IMG] I'm Barret Wallace. I fight for sunlight. This is my story.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] This bridge... oh God...
    [​IMG] Huh? What's up, Barret?
    [​IMG] Nothin'. NOTHING! I jest got a... somethin' in my eye.
    [​IMG] Uh, alright.
    [​IMG] If you say so.
    [​IMG] It's jest... ah, comin' back to Corel after all these muthafuckin' years...
    [​IMG] We understand, Barret.
    [​IMG] Y'know you can, like, talk to us about anything, right?
    [​IMG] He can?
    [​IMG] Yes.
    [​IMG] I dunno about that...
    [​IMG] [​IMG] He. Can.
    [​IMG] Uh, okay.
    [​IMG] Thanks, guys.
    [​IMG] Yeah. Uh, don't mention it.


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Don't say anything, but it would seem that we're currently walking on a rollercoaster.
    [​IMG] Yeah. We used it to transport coal and mako and other stuff back in the day.
    [​IMG] Right, right... But why a rollercoaster?
    [​IMG] It made the job entertaining.
    [​IMG] Oh.
    [​IMG] Yep.
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] So.. ahem...
    [​IMG] Yes?
    [​IMG] Uh... no, nevermind.
    [​IMG] No, no. Please. Go ahead.
    [​IMG] Ah... Haha.. It's just...
    [​IMG] Hm?
    [​IMG] Why wouldn't you build a normal..?
    [​IMG] Because we like rollercoasters.
    [​IMG] But...
    [​IMG] WE. LIKE. ROLLER-FUCK-COASTERS!!
    [​IMG] Eep.
    [​IMG] That's fuckin' right!
    [​IMG] SUDDENLY!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh, oh oh oh oh!!
    [​IMG] Stop reciting your porn script and jump!
    [​IMG] Too late!
    [​IMG] Oh shit.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I have a strange feeling that I can get an item if I hold left or right and flap my arms.
    [​IMG] It's good that we get more than one chance to get these two treasures.
    [​IMG] It certainly is, Aeris. It certainly is.
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] Why on earth are you staring at me like that, Yuffster McKenzie-Adams Smith?
    [​IMG] ..God?
    [​IMG] What?
    [​IMG] ..nothing.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh, guess we gotta do something about that.
    [​IMG] Nanaki!
    [​IMG] Yes, Kemosabe?
    [​IMG] Go sleep with the bridge's sister!
    [​IMG] :|
    [​IMG] :D
    [​IMG] :|
    [​IMG] Well, I thought it was a good idea.
    [​IMG] You're a moron.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yes, I suppose we could do that too.
    [​IMG] We'll wait here while you, Barret and Aeris handle that.
    [​IMG] Alright, gang! Let's lower that bridge good!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What? What about me?
    [​IMG] You suck, Aeris! Go to hell!
    [​IMG] :(

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Don't touch anything. Maybe we'll explode!
    [​IMG] Or maybe it'll just lower the bridge?
    [​IMG] Yer a damn optimist, aren't ya, white boy?
    [​IMG] Hey, what can I say? It's how I was raised.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] See, the camera just moved so the game could load the new "lowered bridge"-background.
    [​IMG] Or maybe it just moved so the game could load the new "RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH" boss fight?
    [​IMG] That's ridiculous, Colin.
    [​IMG] RESURRECTED VAMPIRE SEPHIROTH!!
    [​IMG] Shut the hell up.
    [​IMG] HE'S GOING TO DRINK OUR BLOOD!
    [​IMG] Jesus Christ...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yay! Cloud loaded the new background!
    [​IMG] Go, Cloud! Go!
    [​IMG] Aeris is a fucking whore!
    [​IMG] :(
    [​IMG] Hey, Aeris. Look what me and Barret just found!
    [​IMG] A rocketlauncher we can shoot Tifa with?
    [​IMG] No, but something that's just as cool!
    [​IMG] What is it?
    [​IMG] Chicks!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Those damn chicks're sittin' on sum damn kinda muthafuckin' damn treasure!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Choices! :D
    [​IMG] Consequences! :D
    [​IMG] Cyrony! :D
    [​IMG] That was stupid, Aeris.
    [​IMG] :(

    [​IMG]

    FACT: skyway has waited forever to see this screenshot put into context.
    FACT: skyway is very disappointed and has gone on a epic journey to find me and skin me alive with a bread knife.

    Anyway...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yes, I know he's a black man with a machine gun attached to his arm.
    [​IMG] I'll handle this, Cloud. This is about me.
    [​IMG] Uh, okay. We'll go stand over here.
    [​IMG] Thanks.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] EPIC BITCHSLAP OH YEAH!!
    [​IMG] Shut up, Cloud.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hey, hey, hey... what are they talking about, Barret?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Is this going to be trouble for us, Barret?
    [​IMG] No. Don't worry about it.
    [​IMG] Alright then.
    [​IMG] Let's look for clues about Sephiroth. He must have passed through here.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That's Sephiroth! He must be inside the amusement park!
    [​IMG] Onward!

    [​IMG] Hey, Barret? What happened to your town?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] It really only took four years to bury a town?
    [​IMG] :|
    [​IMG] Alright, alright.
    [​IMG] It got burn't down.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I can feel so much angst.
    [​IMG] Initiate memoirs recorder machine!
    [​IMG] Plug in the tape recorder, you mean?
    [​IMG] Yes! That! Whatever.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Time passed and humans eventually created means and ways to make sunlight without sun or fire. They called it "electricisizzlelity". It proved to be a load of crap, sucking the energy from our lands and wasting our precious sun, but back then we were just happy to be safe from all the goddamn cancer, you know. So these people, the Shinra built a large structure outside of town. A reactor. It was really just like any other mine. My town had mined coal for as long as we could remember. Now we were gonna mine this thing called mako. Some of us were hesitant to give up our coal mines, said we couldn't turn our backs on our ancestors' labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines and so would we.

    [​IMG]

    Dyne was my best friend, and one of the most adamant protestors. He felt it would be insulting to turn our backs on our ancestors labours. They had worked hard for the coal mines, and so would we. For me it was a no-brainer. Nobody used coal anymore so I knew that sticking with it would eventually spell the end for Corel. And Myrna and I were gonna have a baby. I was going to be a father. I had to make sure I could feed my family. Case in point, I fully embraced the future of mako energy and I trusted in the Shinra. They would help us. But... I was wrong. Oh, I was so very wrong...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I read about it shortly after. It was labeled as a terrorist act, and the whole town were responsible.
    [​IMG] What is up with you coal miners and explosions, big guy?
    [​IMG] *stare that could give you herpes*
    [​IMG] Eep.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh, how horrible, Barret...
    [​IMG] Yeah, well... we all lost loved ones in the attack... Dyne took it the hardest.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Maybe you'll see him again?
    [​IMG] Maybe.
    [​IMG] FORE-SHADOW-ING!!!
    [​IMG] ..what?
    [​IMG] Nothing. We better get on. That guy must be really tired of waiting on us now.
    [​IMG] Alright.
    [​IMG] Maybe an amusement park will cheer you up!
    [​IMG] Doubt it.

    [​IMG] Wow, he's so distraught he forgot his black man accent.
    [​IMG] I don't think he has one.
    [​IMG] That's what I'm saying. I think he's...
    [​IMG] Whatever.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Wow, you really are a bitch, Yuffie. :D

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah, I know. :D


    To be continued!

    In the next update: Flappyjack joins our party.
     
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  12. FrancoTAU Cipher

    FrancoTAU
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,507
    Location:
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    Can we skip to Cid already?

    Also, this thread has provided more entertainment than actually playing FF7.
     
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  13. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    21,104
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    Urkanistan
    [​IMG]

    the sole context of this tells everything you need to know about the game.
     
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  14. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    For reasons that are unknown to all, including me most of all; no, we can't. I wish we could, but I guess we gotta paddle through all the ridiculous emo bullshit first before we can inject ourselves with MANLINESS that'll give us the strength to paddle further through all the ridiculous emo bullshit.

    While that's not really saying much, I thank you. Thank you.

    The context of nothing. It's a beautiful thing.
     
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  15. LarsTheSurly Scholar

    LarsTheSurly
    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2008
    Messages:
    137
    Location:
    Surrounded by idiots
    [​IMG]

    Why does the top one have two eyes on the same side of its head?
     
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  16. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Because that particular part of the background is animated to give away maximum cute-ness and I couldn't be bothered to make a gif.
     
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  17. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    10,789
    Mako Radiation
     
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  18. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,535
    Mako radiation turns you into a sea blue eyed bishounen that will be fawned on by endless legions of fangirls. This is just regular old radiation.
     
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  19. Carrie Underwood Scholar

    Carrie Underwood
    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2008
    Messages:
    355
    This is the greatest thread in the history of the Codex.

    Haeey baaeby!
     
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  20. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
    Joined:
    May 24, 2007
    Messages:
    3,499
    Location:
    local brothel
    I liked the part where in that pisshole camp town the residents treat Barret like an escaped slave, very appropriate.
     
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  21. FrancoTAU Cipher

    FrancoTAU
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    IIRC, Nanaki/Red's town is even worse than this emo shit.
     
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  22. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
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    34,585
    Location:
    Cell S-004
    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    Epic.


    FUCK YEAH!
     
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  23. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    Location:
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    In retrospect, I probably should have made Bruce Channel and DJ Ötzi guest commentators.

    DJ Ötzi's screaming his one song:

    Haaey, haaey haaey baby!!
    (OH!! AH!!)
    I want to knoooooowww-owwww!!
    if you'll be my chick!!
    (OH!! AH!!)

    And then Bruce Channel and Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey just comes in and just shoots him dead right between the eyes, right in the stomach and right in the groin. Brilliant!

    Meh. Next update is gonna be a while due to me getting ready to move to another town in my everlasting quest for world domination and womanly studies. So entertain yourselves as best you can and Flappyjack'll see you in a little bit.

    edit: btw, there's an embarrassing error in Barret's memoirs. See if you can find it before I get around to fixing it.
     
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  24. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
    Joined:
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    2,810
    Location:
    San Isidro, Argentina
    "There was an explosion at the reactor" was first, then came: "It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days", not the other way around.
     
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  25. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    Location:
    Narnia
    Yes, but not really. I prefer the reverse order. It sounds more badass when I read it out loud in front of my friends.

    "It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days. (dramatic pause) There was an explosion at a reactor."

    See? Try reading that. It sounds fucking badass. Then try reading "There was an explosion..." first. Not so badass, right? Well, that's what you get for being an uncultured whore!

    Also, yes, you win a prize. Three cheers for El Hoyme, spanish master of decadence!
     
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