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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
Part Two: In which we, among other exciting things, look at a Turtle's Paradise-poster!

Yeah, so we're back with part two of Chapter 30. Rejoice, my minions! The greatest, most fantastic LP on the internet has been updated! Unfortunately, we're on our way to an amusement park. *sigh* At least we're getting closer to Cid "ULTIMATE BADASS" Highwind. But before all that we have to go amuse ourselves at the Gold Saucer, investigate Nanaki's family background, resist the urge to kill our hometown, recruit a vampire emo gunslinger movie monster failed experiment dude and climb a mountain. So whaddayasay we go and get that first thing on the list on the "FUCKING DONE" side of things, eh?

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I think my epic skills in Ms Paint only makes the screenshots better, but be sure to let me know what you think.

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Some of you're probably just waiting for Billy Dee Williams to hop out on you right now and flash a friendly smile.

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Well, unfortunately I think Chefe have reserved him for an LP of Death Knights of Krynn, and unfortunately my joke probably fell flat to the ground because this really, really doesn't even look anything like Cloud City.

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Unless you kinda squint and kinda hold your breath. Then it definitely looks like Cloud City.

783_WELCOMETOTHEGOLDSAUCER.jpg


FACT: I just pissed my pants.

Anyway:

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We emerge from a moogle mouth and immediately run up to a man in a chicken suit.

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I want to get the hell out of here right now. Luckily, if you're playing the game and feel the same way, you can just get back on board the x-wing and watch the movie go all backwards on you as it carries you back to the friendly miners of the town previously known as Corel. But where's the fun in that? It's not like you can kill the miners anyway. So let's press on! Let's do it! Yeah!

Eh.

Welcome to Final Fantasy 7's least interesting town. While it happens to suck just as much as all the other towns in the game, the Gold Saucer is slightly better because you can actually do stuff here. Unfortunately all the things you can do here suck.

It's also the center of capitalism. Most of the stuff here, cost money. Special Gold Saucer money, GP, to be exact. And if you played this on a playstation like I did, way back in the day when we didn't even have any pants, let alone fire to warm ourselves with, seeing this probably came off as a bit like a fuck you to the face:

783_CAPITALISM.jpg


Yeah. You can't save your game until you've gotten some of that special currency. Luckily you can just get on board the TIE Fighter and ride all the way back to the world map and save your game there but... hey, fuck that. Who loves save states? Every-motherfucking-body! Sometimes there's a guy around here that offers to sell you GP for regular money but he's never around when you need him.

783_CAPITALISM2.jpg


FACT: "No way!" is FF7 for "Fuck you, fuck you, I'm not giving you a dime, you fucking asshole faggot cocksucker save spot!!!" and "I guess I'm stuck..." is FF7 for "I'm your bitch, which hole do you want to stick it in?"

Anyway, let's enter this fucking place before I move to Japan and kill people because Final Fantasy 7 told me to do it.

783_CAPITALISM3.jpg


Yeah. Let me tell you right now that the lifetime pass isn't worth it if you're not going to invest emotionally in the game. You're only forced to enter the Gold Saucer on two occasions. Unfortunately, somewhere in the thread I promised I was going for 100% so... yeah, I end up forking over thirty-thousand gil for that lifetime pass. It's pretty much required since you'll be coming here a lot unless you intend to whip out your codebreaker gameshark pro action replay penis and cum cheats all over your game. And people are wondering why I never buy anything. Well, here's your goddamn answer: I have to pay THIRTY-FUCKING-THOUSAND FUCKING GIL FOR THAT MOTHERFUCKING LIFETIME PASS.

PLEA: Sometimes I just want somebody to hug me. :cry:

Anyway! Let's go inside and have ourselves a merry, jolly good time!

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I fucking hate you, Aeris.

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No, I guess it fucking isn't.

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I want to kill you so much right now, Aeris.

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You tell her, Barret!

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No, really? You really think so?

aeris_portrait.jpg
Um..?

You're a stupid fucking idiot and I hope you die before Disc 2!

aeris_portrait.jpg
Tee-hee, you're so silly! :D

Yeah, whatever. Alright, time to go have fun. Unfortunately it's dangerous to go alone, and in this game your sword won't be much company, so choose a party member to tag along with you. If you're trying to date a particular lady, be sure to choose to take the lady in question with you. If you're trying to get into the pants of a particular black man, take Nanaki along since you can only date him in your dreams. Then just jump down in one of the holes and prepare to have a good time!

If you don't want to go with anyone of these losers, well...

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BIG REVEAL: The one you have the most date points with will be happy to tag along with you. In my case, it's actually Aeris because I have fooled all of you in thinking I was going for Barret. Yeah. How's that for a fuck you to the head? Hahaha! Suck it, you whores!

FACT: I know all of you are going to scream at me from behind your computer screens and write angry posts about me, but I don't care.

And I'll choose Aeris now and get even more date points!

FACT: I'm a romantic.

Alright, let's see where we can go first.

DIRECTIONSOHYEAH.jpg


Fuck yeah! Alright, from top to bottom:

Event Square: You come here during the date. It's completely useless now.
Chocobo Square: Right now, you can only bet on whorses but later on you can ride whorses too. I'll be coming here a lot behind the scenes to get items and money.
Ghost Square: If you need an inn or an item shop. There's also a poster for Turtles Paradise here which we'll be taking a look at.
Battle Square: Fight stuff for points which you can redeem for some pretty good items and accessories, in particular Cloud's final limit break. The more fights in a row you win, the more points you get. However, you also get a random handicap each time. You can't level up.
Round Square: Your average ferris wheel which offers you a pretty view of the whole Gold Saucer. You'll come here during the date trying to coax your loved one into giving you a good cup of coffee. It's completely useless now though.
Speed Square: A shooting gallery where you can win, eh, semi-useless stuff. You can pick up an umbrella for Aeris among other things.
Wonder Square: This is not the place for minigames, this is THE place for minigames. Oh yeah! (Fuck that shit.)




Al Wright!

AlWright99.jpg
Yes?

Oh sorry, I meant to say alright.

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:(

Our first stop on the list is the lovely Ghost Hotel. It's just as spooky as the ghost hotel in VtM: Bloodlines.

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OH DEAR GOD, THERE'S SKELETONS AND TREES AND LIGHTNING FROM THE SKY!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

AlWright99.jpg
You sure you don't need me?

What? No, I don't even know you.

In here we can, and should, look at another one of those Turtles Paradise-posters. It's been a while since the last one, hasn't it? Not that you sexual deviants care anyway... :roll:

789_turtles.jpg


OH THERE GOD, THERE'S A ZOMBIE BUTLER!!!

AlWright99.jpg
We can get to know each other better if you like.

What are you, the candyman? I thought he was black...

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Say my name!

I think you should leave, Mr Wright.

Our next stop is the Speed Square, where we meet Dio.

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Unfortunately it's not THE Dio, but rather just Dio, the manager and creator of the Gold Saucer. He is the fourth well-chiseled man we have met so far who thinks it's perfectly alright to walk around in your underwear.

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I have lots of underwear.

GO AWAY, MR WRIGHT!

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GO AWA... oh sorry. No, I don't know what black materia is.

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I have a white materia.

Mr Wright, I'm going to count to three. If you're not gone when I'm done, I will dedicate my life to rid the world of anybody named Al Wright! Do you understand?

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Yes.

Good enough. What were you saying about black materia, Dio?

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Did he have a black cape?

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AlWright99.jpg
So Sephiroth did come here!

What the hell do you know about Sephi... HEY! I thought I told you to leave!

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What, you don't remember me, boy?

Remember you?! What the hell are you...

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Well, maybe THIS will refresh your memory!

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Oh HELL, NO!... Oh no! Oh nononononono!!

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Oh yes, Andyman Messiah! Oh. Yes.

Oh man, if you're here, then that must mean that... oh no...

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Why-yyy, why did you abandon us, Andyman Messiaaaahh?
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Yeah, you big meanie! Why did you drop a huge goddamn bomb on us?! Was it just because you wanted to play with your new friends? Huh?!

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

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We were so lonely!
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Now you get to stay with us here...

Flappyjack! Bubbles! Uh, I can explain..!

bubbles.jpg
...forever!

THIS is where abandoned LPs end up?

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Pretty much, yes.

Inside the Gold Saucer in Final Fantasy VII?

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Uh-huh.

But, uh... God, isn't tha...

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Please, you can call me Al.

No.

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Oh come on!

No.

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It'll be funny.

No.

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Please?

No.

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Fine! Be that way!

Thank you. I will.

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You bastard.

Yes, but... Uh, isn't there some way I can make it up to you guys? I mean..

AlWright99.jpg
Not really. You abandoned us right in the middle of the story.

Story? What sto--Oh right, the story! Yes, the story! Uh, the story, I still have the story somewhere. On my computer. I have the story on my computer! I could get it and post the story in the thread. Just give me a day and I'll have it ready. It'll give you guys some closure and stuff! What do you say, God, old pal?

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No, I don't think that'll do.

Well, what the hell do you want?!

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We want out of here!

Flappyjack?

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Take us with you!

Uh... well, I'm not sure you'd want that. Really, the game is really bad and...

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Do you know how many times I have played Mog House, Mr Messiah?

Uh.. no.

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It's over nine thousand.

Over nine thousand?

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Yes, over nine thousand.

Oh, well, that sure is a lot.

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Yes, it is over nine thousand!

Uh, yeah. It is. Uh, so if I take you guys with me... I can leave this place?

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Yes.

And if I don't?

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Then you don't get to leave this place.

Hm.

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That's how it is.

Hm. What's to stop me from leaving this place?

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We have your limited edition mega-super-duper collector's edition Carl Barks library and a blowtorch.

... Cowards! Fight like a ninja!

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We're sorry to force you like this, but...
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Fuck that shit, Flap! He abandoned us! He deserves it!
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I'm sure he had a good reason, Bubbles. Uh... You DID have a good reason, right, Mr Messiah?

Well...

LET'S GO BACK IN TIME!
Goddamn it, I lost all my saves. Well, there's no fucking way I'll play all the way up to where I was. Not ever! I'd rather get raped by that Ass Dweller than do all that shit again. *sigh* Guess the thread's over. I have some material left but I'll just throw all that crap in the trashcan.

Oh absolutely, Flappyjack! Yes, some internet tough guys threatened me with a broken cyber glass bottle and said I had to do it or they'd kill my children. I was like "Bitch, kill my children! I don't give a fuck! You'll never stop me from playing Pokemon!" But then they were like, "We'll destroy your Ninja Gaiden NES-game collection" and I had to do it. I'm... I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry...

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See, Bubbles? He didn't abandon us!

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. :cry:

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Aww... It's alright, Mr Messiah.
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We're so sorry we ever distrusted you. :cry:

BAWWW!!!

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Oh don't cry, Mr Messiah. Don't cry. Don't cry. It's alright.
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BAWWW!!!!!

I'M SO SORRY!!! BAWWW!!!

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Is "bawww" supposed to be some kind of way of letting us know you're crying?
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Yes, you oaf! BAAWWWW!!!
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BAWWWW!!!
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Well shit, I didn't know.
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It's alright, Mr. Messiah.

*sniff* Really?

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Yes. Really.

Oh. Good. *ahem* Good, good.

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So you'll take us with you, right?

Ehm... well... uh... oh hell, OF COURSE!! OF COURSE YOU CAN COME WITH ME ON MY FINAL FANTASY 7-LET'S PLAY!!

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Yay! :D

Oh, how happy I am to see you guys again! Oh this will be great! This is the greatest day in the history of the RPG Codex! And I can probably ditch Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell now!

The Pokemon Emerald gang is back!

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Totally awesome!

You said it, God!

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Please. Call me Al.

No.


To be continued!
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
Messages
7,715
Andyman Messiah said:
Please, you can call me Al.
And he can call you Betty.

Also what in the hell is going on in this game? You're in some random Jap-faggotry land, and people say this is one of the best JRPGs? wat
 

LarsTheSurly

Scholar
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
137
Location
Surrounded by idiots
BIG REVEAL: The one you have the most date points with will be happy to tag along with you. In my case, it's actually Aeris because I have fooled all of you in thinking I was going for Barret. Yeah. How's that for a fuck you to the head? Hahaha! Suck it, you whores!

LoL

Pissed off, internet dwelling closet-homos in 3... 2... 1...
 

Lumpy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 11, 2005
Messages
8,525
I didn't read the Pokemon thread - did it have lots of Mudkipz jokes?
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Lumpy said:
I didn't read the Pokemon thread - did it have lots of Mudkipz jokes?
I honestly don't remember. I suggest you go read it if you're curious. Watch out though, my LPs give you cancer!
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
Most of this update was good, but I'll be completely honest. I found the bit wherre the Pokemanz characters were brought in painful to read. I think the LP would be better without them, personally.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Without giving away too much, let's just say that Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell shares your opinion.
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
Yeah, you should butcher those pokemon faggots and offer their blood as a sacrifice to DIO.

1202302776oy9.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Hey, guys and guyettes! Wanna know what time it is? No, it's not update time! It's something even better than update! Fuck yeah, it's poll time!

Q: The Pokemon Emerald cast have forced themselves into the LP! Only you can help Andyman Messiah in his most bothersome time of need!

Option A: Let Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell handle it.
Option B: Let Kiefer Sutherland, Colin Farrell AND Ronnie James Dio handle it.
Option C: Let Kiefer Sutherland, Colin Farrell AND Ronnie James Dio AND Keith Moon handle it.
Option D: Let Ronnie James Dio handle it on his own.
Option E: Let Keith Moon handle it on his own.
Option F: Let kingcomrade handle it.
Option X: Let (insert name/forces that be here) handle it.
Option XXX: Let (insert name of pornstar here) handle it.
 

Inziladun

Magister
Joined
Apr 23, 2006
Messages
2,047
Location
Somewhere damp and cold.

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Actually, now that I think about it, the kingcomrade option is null n' void n' shizzledizzle since God was transformed into kingcomrade (or Kay-Zee) at one point in the Emerald epic. Does this mean he will actually vanquish himself and become... an hero?

This is actually quite awesome. I don't think I can handle the pressure.

I will, of course, PM kingcomrade and ask him what to do.
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
Messages
7,715
Andyman Messiah said:
Actually, now that I think about it, the kingcomrade option is null n' void n' shizzledizzle since God was transformed into kingcomrade (or Kay-Zee) at one point in the Emerald epic. Does this mean he will actually vanquish himself and become... an hero?
If KC can't do it, I elect Option XXX: Sasha Grey, unfortunately the only words in her vocabulary are "fuck" "yeah" "oh" and "shit"
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
355
Dio needs no help. Option D, for Dio.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
Option X
Fuck the other options. Let Joe Pesci put those motherfuckers in their place. Nobody wants to fuck with Joe Pesci because he would murder them where they stand if they attempted to do so. He's a true badass son of a bitch that doesn't take any shit.
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2007
Messages
7,715
Fat Dragon said:
Option X
He's a true badass son of a bitch that doesn't take any shit.

This just reminded me to change my vote again. I choose Vladimir Motherfucking Putin. Badass former KGB. Could easily rape the shit out of this LP and everyone in it.
 
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