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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 30 - Haaey Baaeby!! and The Return of Flappyjack
    Part Two: In which we, among other exciting things, look at a Turtle's Paradise-poster!

    Yeah, so we're back with part two of Chapter 30. Rejoice, my minions! The greatest, most fantastic LP on the internet has been updated! Unfortunately, we're on our way to an amusement park. *sigh* At least we're getting closer to Cid "ULTIMATE BADASS" Highwind. But before all that we have to go amuse ourselves at the Gold Saucer, investigate Nanaki's family background, resist the urge to kill our hometown, recruit a vampire emo gunslinger movie monster failed experiment dude and climb a mountain. So whaddayasay we go and get that first thing on the list on the "FUCKING DONE" side of things, eh?

    [​IMG]

    I think my epic skills in Ms Paint only makes the screenshots better, but be sure to let me know what you think.

    [​IMG]

    Some of you're probably just waiting for Billy Dee Williams to hop out on you right now and flash a friendly smile.

    [​IMG]

    Well, unfortunately I think Chefe have reserved him for an LP of Death Knights of Krynn, and unfortunately my joke probably fell flat to the ground because this really, really doesn't even look anything like Cloud City.

    [​IMG]

    Unless you kinda squint and kinda hold your breath. Then it definitely looks like Cloud City.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: I just pissed my pants.

    Anyway:

    [​IMG]

    We emerge from a moogle mouth and immediately run up to a man in a chicken suit.

    [​IMG]

    I want to get the hell out of here right now. Luckily, if you're playing the game and feel the same way, you can just get back on board the x-wing and watch the movie go all backwards on you as it carries you back to the friendly miners of the town previously known as Corel. But where's the fun in that? It's not like you can kill the miners anyway. So let's press on! Let's do it! Yeah!

    Eh.

    Welcome to Final Fantasy 7's least interesting town. While it happens to suck just as much as all the other towns in the game, the Gold Saucer is slightly better because you can actually do stuff here. Unfortunately all the things you can do here suck.

    It's also the center of capitalism. Most of the stuff here, cost money. Special Gold Saucer money, GP, to be exact. And if you played this on a playstation like I did, way back in the day when we didn't even have any pants, let alone fire to warm ourselves with, seeing this probably came off as a bit like a fuck you to the face:

    [​IMG]

    Yeah. You can't save your game until you've gotten some of that special currency. Luckily you can just get on board the TIE Fighter and ride all the way back to the world map and save your game there but... hey, fuck that. Who loves save states? Every-motherfucking-body! Sometimes there's a guy around here that offers to sell you GP for regular money but he's never around when you need him.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: "No way!" is FF7 for "Fuck you, fuck you, I'm not giving you a dime, you fucking asshole faggot cocksucker save spot!!!" and "I guess I'm stuck..." is FF7 for "I'm your bitch, which hole do you want to stick it in?"

    Anyway, let's enter this fucking place before I move to Japan and kill people because Final Fantasy 7 told me to do it.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah. Let me tell you right now that the lifetime pass isn't worth it if you're not going to invest emotionally in the game. You're only forced to enter the Gold Saucer on two occasions. Unfortunately, somewhere in the thread I promised I was going for 100% so... yeah, I end up forking over thirty-thousand gil for that lifetime pass. It's pretty much required since you'll be coming here a lot unless you intend to whip out your codebreaker gameshark pro action replay penis and cum cheats all over your game. And people are wondering why I never buy anything. Well, here's your goddamn answer: I have to pay THIRTY-FUCKING-THOUSAND FUCKING GIL FOR THAT MOTHERFUCKING LIFETIME PASS.

    PLEA: Sometimes I just want somebody to hug me. :cry:

    Anyway! Let's go inside and have ourselves a merry, jolly good time!

    [​IMG]

    I fucking hate you, Aeris.

    [​IMG]

    No, I guess it fucking isn't.

    [​IMG]

    I want to kill you so much right now, Aeris.

    [​IMG]

    You tell her, Barret!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    No, really? You really think so?

    [​IMG] Um..?

    You're a stupid fucking idiot and I hope you die before Disc 2!

    [​IMG] Tee-hee, you're so silly! :D

    Yeah, whatever. Alright, time to go have fun. Unfortunately it's dangerous to go alone, and in this game your sword won't be much company, so choose a party member to tag along with you. If you're trying to date a particular lady, be sure to choose to take the lady in question with you. If you're trying to get into the pants of a particular black man, take Nanaki along since you can only date him in your dreams. Then just jump down in one of the holes and prepare to have a good time!

    If you don't want to go with anyone of these losers, well...

    [​IMG]

    BIG REVEAL: The one you have the most date points with will be happy to tag along with you. In my case, it's actually Aeris because I have fooled all of you in thinking I was going for Barret. Yeah. How's that for a fuck you to the head? Hahaha! Suck it, you whores!

    FACT: I know all of you are going to scream at me from behind your computer screens and write angry posts about me, but I don't care.

    And I'll choose Aeris now and get even more date points!

    FACT: I'm a romantic.

    Alright, let's see where we can go first.

    [​IMG]

    Fuck yeah! Alright, from top to bottom:

    Event Square: You come here during the date. It's completely useless now.
    Chocobo Square: Right now, you can only bet on whorses but later on you can ride whorses too. I'll be coming here a lot behind the scenes to get items and money.
    Ghost Square: If you need an inn or an item shop. There's also a poster for Turtles Paradise here which we'll be taking a look at.
    Battle Square: Fight stuff for points which you can redeem for some pretty good items and accessories, in particular Cloud's final limit break. The more fights in a row you win, the more points you get. However, you also get a random handicap each time. You can't level up.
    Round Square: Your average ferris wheel which offers you a pretty view of the whole Gold Saucer. You'll come here during the date trying to coax your loved one into giving you a good cup of coffee. It's completely useless now though.
    Speed Square: A shooting gallery where you can win, eh, semi-useless stuff. You can pick up an umbrella for Aeris among other things.
    Wonder Square: This is not the place for minigames, this is THE place for minigames. Oh yeah! (Fuck that shit.)




    Al Wright!

    [​IMG] Yes?

    Oh sorry, I meant to say alright.

    [​IMG] :(

    Our first stop on the list is the lovely Ghost Hotel. It's just as spooky as the ghost hotel in VtM: Bloodlines.

    [​IMG]

    OH DEAR GOD, THERE'S SKELETONS AND TREES AND LIGHTNING FROM THE SKY!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

    [​IMG] You sure you don't need me?

    What? No, I don't even know you.

    In here we can, and should, look at another one of those Turtles Paradise-posters. It's been a while since the last one, hasn't it? Not that you sexual deviants care anyway... :roll:

    [​IMG]

    OH THERE GOD, THERE'S A ZOMBIE BUTLER!!!

    [​IMG] We can get to know each other better if you like.

    What are you, the candyman? I thought he was black...

    [​IMG] Say my name!

    I think you should leave, Mr Wright.

    Our next stop is the Speed Square, where we meet Dio.

    [​IMG]

    Unfortunately it's not THE Dio, but rather just Dio, the manager and creator of the Gold Saucer. He is the fourth well-chiseled man we have met so far who thinks it's perfectly alright to walk around in your underwear.

    [​IMG] I have lots of underwear.

    GO AWAY, MR WRIGHT!

    [​IMG]

    GO AWA... oh sorry. No, I don't know what black materia is.

    [​IMG] I have a white materia.

    Mr Wright, I'm going to count to three. If you're not gone when I'm done, I will dedicate my life to rid the world of anybody named Al Wright! Do you understand?

    [​IMG] Yes.

    Good enough. What were you saying about black materia, Dio?

    [​IMG]

    Did he have a black cape?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] So Sephiroth did come here!

    What the hell do you know about Sephi... HEY! I thought I told you to leave!

    [​IMG] What, you don't remember me, boy?

    Remember you?! What the hell are you...

    [​IMG] Well, maybe THIS will refresh your memory!

    [​IMG]

    Oh HELL, NO!... Oh no! Oh nononononono!!

    [​IMG] Oh yes, Andyman Messiah! Oh. Yes.

    Oh man, if you're here, then that must mean that... oh no...

    [​IMG] Why-yyy, why did you abandon us, Andyman Messiaaaahh?
    [​IMG] Yeah, you big meanie! Why did you drop a huge goddamn bomb on us?! Was it just because you wanted to play with your new friends? Huh?!

    Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

    [​IMG] We were so lonely!
    [​IMG] Now you get to stay with us here...

    Flappyjack! Bubbles! Uh, I can explain..!

    [​IMG] ...forever!

    THIS is where abandoned LPs end up?

    [​IMG] Pretty much, yes.

    Inside the Gold Saucer in Final Fantasy VII?

    [​IMG] Uh-huh.

    But, uh... God, isn't tha...

    [​IMG] Please, you can call me Al.

    No.

    [​IMG] Oh come on!

    No.

    [​IMG] It'll be funny.

    No.

    [​IMG] Please?

    No.

    [​IMG] Fine! Be that way!

    Thank you. I will.

    [​IMG] You bastard.

    Yes, but... Uh, isn't there some way I can make it up to you guys? I mean..

    [​IMG] Not really. You abandoned us right in the middle of the story.

    Story? What sto--Oh right, the story! Yes, the story! Uh, the story, I still have the story somewhere. On my computer. I have the story on my computer! I could get it and post the story in the thread. Just give me a day and I'll have it ready. It'll give you guys some closure and stuff! What do you say, God, old pal?

    [​IMG] No, I don't think that'll do.

    Well, what the hell do you want?!

    [​IMG] We want out of here!

    Flappyjack?

    [​IMG] Take us with you!

    Uh... well, I'm not sure you'd want that. Really, the game is really bad and...

    [​IMG] Do you know how many times I have played Mog House, Mr Messiah?

    Uh.. no.

    [​IMG] It's over nine thousand.

    Over nine thousand?

    [​IMG] Yes, over nine thousand.

    Oh, well, that sure is a lot.

    [​IMG] Yes, it is over nine thousand!

    Uh, yeah. It is. Uh, so if I take you guys with me... I can leave this place?

    [​IMG] Yes.

    And if I don't?

    [​IMG] Then you don't get to leave this place.

    Hm.

    [​IMG] That's how it is.

    Hm. What's to stop me from leaving this place?

    [​IMG] We have your limited edition mega-super-duper collector's edition Carl Barks library and a blowtorch.

    ... Cowards! Fight like a ninja!

    [​IMG] We're sorry to force you like this, but...
    [​IMG] Fuck that shit, Flap! He abandoned us! He deserves it!
    [​IMG] I'm sure he had a good reason, Bubbles. Uh... You DID have a good reason, right, Mr Messiah?

    Well...

    LET'S GO BACK IN TIME!
    Oh absolutely, Flappyjack! Yes, some internet tough guys threatened me with a broken cyber glass bottle and said I had to do it or they'd kill my children. I was like "Bitch, kill my children! I don't give a fuck! You'll never stop me from playing Pokemon!" But then they were like, "We'll destroy your Ninja Gaiden NES-game collection" and I had to do it. I'm... I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry...

    [​IMG] See, Bubbles? He didn't abandon us!

    I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. :cry:

    [​IMG] Aww... It's alright, Mr Messiah.
    [​IMG] We're so sorry we ever distrusted you. :cry:

    BAWWW!!!

    [​IMG] Oh don't cry, Mr Messiah. Don't cry. Don't cry. It's alright.
    [​IMG] BAWWW!!!!!

    I'M SO SORRY!!! BAWWW!!!

    [​IMG] Is "bawww" supposed to be some kind of way of letting us know you're crying?
    [​IMG] Yes, you oaf! BAAWWWW!!!
    [​IMG] BAWWWW!!!
    [​IMG] Well shit, I didn't know.
    [​IMG] It's alright, Mr. Messiah.

    *sniff* Really?

    [​IMG] Yes. Really.

    Oh. Good. *ahem* Good, good.

    [​IMG] So you'll take us with you, right?

    Ehm... well... uh... oh hell, OF COURSE!! OF COURSE YOU CAN COME WITH ME ON MY FINAL FANTASY 7-LET'S PLAY!!

    [​IMG] Yay! :D

    Oh, how happy I am to see you guys again! Oh this will be great! This is the greatest day in the history of the RPG Codex! And I can probably ditch Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell now!

    The Pokemon Emerald gang is back!

    [​IMG] Totally awesome!

    You said it, God!

    [​IMG] Please. Call me Al.

    No.


    To be continued!
     
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  2. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2007
    Messages:
    7,715
    And he can call you Betty.

    Also what in the hell is going on in this game? You're in some random Jap-faggotry land, and people say this is one of the best JRPGs? wat
     
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  3. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,535
    This game could use some Dio.
     
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  4. LarsTheSurly Scholar

    LarsTheSurly
    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2008
    Messages:
    137
    Location:
    Surrounded by idiots
    LoL

    Pissed off, internet dwelling closet-homos in 3... 2... 1...
     
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  5. Lumpy Arcane

    Lumpy
    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,525
    I didn't read the Pokemon thread - did it have lots of Mudkipz jokes?
     
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  6. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    I honestly don't remember. I suggest you go read it if you're curious. Watch out though, my LPs give you cancer!
     
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  7. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
    Joined:
    May 24, 2007
    Messages:
    3,499
    Location:
    local brothel
    Most of this update was good, but I'll be completely honest. I found the bit wherre the Pokemanz characters were brought in painful to read. I think the LP would be better without them, personally.
     
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  8. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Without giving away too much, let's just say that Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell shares your opinion.
     
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  9. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    10,793
    Yeah, you should butcher those pokemon faggots and offer their blood as a sacrifice to DIO.

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. DefJam101 Arcane

    DefJam101
    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2007
    Messages:
    8,047
    Location:
    Cybernegro HQ
    ...
     
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  11. DefJam101 Arcane

    DefJam101
    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2007
    Messages:
    8,047
    Location:
    Cybernegro HQ
    ...

    ...

    ...

    [​IMG]
     
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  12. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2007
    Messages:
    7,715
    ...
    [​IMG]
     
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  13. FrancoTAU Cipher

    FrancoTAU
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,507
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    Dude, you are seriously fuck up man.
     
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  14. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Hey, guys and guyettes! Wanna know what time it is? No, it's not update time! It's something even better than update! Fuck yeah, it's poll time!

    Q: The Pokemon Emerald cast have forced themselves into the LP! Only you can help Andyman Messiah in his most bothersome time of need!

    Option A: Let Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell handle it.
    Option B: Let Kiefer Sutherland, Colin Farrell AND Ronnie James Dio handle it.
    Option C: Let Kiefer Sutherland, Colin Farrell AND Ronnie James Dio AND Keith Moon handle it.
    Option D: Let Ronnie James Dio handle it on his own.
    Option E: Let Keith Moon handle it on his own.
    Option F: Let kingcomrade handle it.
    Option X: Let (insert name/forces that be here) handle it.
    Option XXX: Let (insert name of pornstar here) handle it.
     
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  15. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2007
    Messages:
    7,715
     
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  16. Inziladun Magister

    Inziladun
    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2006
    Messages:
    2,047
    Location:
    Somewhere damp and cold.
     
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  17. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Actually, now that I think about it, the kingcomrade option is null n' void n' shizzledizzle since God was transformed into kingcomrade (or Kay-Zee) at one point in the Emerald epic. Does this mean he will actually vanquish himself and become... an hero?

    This is actually quite awesome. I don't think I can handle the pressure.

    Show Spoiler
    I will, of course, PM kingcomrade and ask him what to do.
     
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  18. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    34,585
    Location:
    Cell S-004
    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    Yeawhatevvamän.

    MOAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
     
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  19. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2007
    Messages:
    7,715
    If KC can't do it, I elect Option XXX: Sasha Grey, unfortunately the only words in her vocabulary are "fuck" "yeah" "oh" and "shit"
     
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  20. The Vanished One Prophet

    The Vanished One
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2006
    Messages:
    1,244
    John Holmes.
     
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  21. Carrie Underwood Scholar

    Carrie Underwood
    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2008
    Messages:
    355
    Dio needs no help. Option D, for Dio.
     
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  22. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,535
    Option D.
     
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  23. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
    Joined:
    May 24, 2007
    Messages:
    3,499
    Location:
    local brothel
    Option X
    Fuck the other options. Let Joe Pesci put those motherfuckers in their place. Nobody wants to fuck with Joe Pesci because he would murder them where they stand if they attempted to do so. He's a true badass son of a bitch that doesn't take any shit.
     
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  24. sportforredneck Cipher

    sportforredneck
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2007
    Messages:
    7,715
    This just reminded me to change my vote again. I choose Vladimir Motherfucking Putin. Badass former KGB. Could easily rape the shit out of this LP and everyone in it.
     
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