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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. DraQ Prestigious Gentleman Arcane

    DraQ
    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2007
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Chrząszczyżewoszyce, powiat Łękołody
    Jesus fucking christ the putrefied!

    I tried to read that. First I skipped (c)'s, table of contents and introduction and started reading the timeline. Then I came upon this line of brainfuckery:
    and barely managed to stop before my brain could make it to the anus.


    Edit:
    Lol, true head it ain't. :lol:
     
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  2. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter Four - The fearsome Shinra-killers takes a train! (Crackerjack Edition)

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Cloud... Wonder if he was killed?

    [​IMG] No way!!

    [​IMG] Cloud...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Say, do you think Cloud's going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE?

    [​IMG] The hell would I know?! Do I look like a mind reader?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hmph! If y'all weren't such screw-ups...

    FACT: Barret Wallace - black boss guy of the month, three years in a row!

    [​IMG] Hey, Barret. What about our money?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Uh, nothing. Sorry.

    All is quiet, when suddenly!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] You damn right, you're late!! Come waltzin' in here, makin' a big scene!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] It's no big deal. Just what I always do.

    [​IMG] Shi't! Havin' everyone worried like that you don't give a damn 'bout no one but yourself!

    [​IMG] Hmm... You were worried about me!

    [​IMG] Wha?!

    Barret isn't the only one who is confused here.

    [​IMG] I'm takin' outta your money, hot stuff!

    Okay, now I'm the only one who is confused here. Barret definitely want some of that white boy pussy and it's scaring me.

    Alright, we're moving on. NOW.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hey, Cloud!! You were great back there!

    [​IMG] I know.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Heh heh......Cloud! We'll do even better next time!

    [​IMG] Uh, what? What the fuck did you do, you goddamn moron? You stood watch all the time! And what's up with that bandana?

    [​IMG] It's my favorite bandana... :(

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Be careful, I'll shut this. Oh Cloud!! Your face is pitch-black....

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Uh, thanks.

    [​IMG] Say, thanks for helping me back there at the reactor.

    [​IMG] Yeah, no pro...

    [​IMG]

    And she jumps away! What. A. Bitch!

    [​IMG]

    Alright, we jump after her. Hey, what's that ruckus?!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: AVALANCHE always acts unsuspiciously!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Barret Wallace is one fearsome guy!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Men named George are pussies!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: This is the last known utterance of "hoo-boy" in a public space. Even if it's virtual.

    [​IMG]

    Alright, now we're in control! Let's go chat with people.

    [​IMG]

    This is bum #1. He lives here. He's useless.

    [​IMG]

    This is bum #2.

    [​IMG]

    Barret have his gun pressed to the poor guy's stomach.

    [​IMG]

    Bum #2 is sweating so much right now it's dripping down right between the ass cheeks, so let's be nice to him and believe him when he says that Barret is a strategic genius.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: You can't sit down.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I'm sure that will change tomorrow...

    Biggs is foreshadowing some stuff we'll have to go through on the next mission. It's not really such big a deal like they're trying to have you believe. We'll even get a preview in a minute.

    Let's go talk to Wedge now.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yeah, we could blow him... off, and end the dialogue, but let's be nice to him.

    [​IMG] All my life, I felt nothin' but a sidekick. But after joinin' AVALANCHE and tryin' to save the Planet, I feel like I can do lots of things.

    Hey, it's just like the american guys that joined Al Qaida!

    Alright, Jessie is the one to speak to if we ever want to get the hell out of here. She asks us if we want to look at some thing together with her.

    [​IMG]

    We say yes because we're a grown-up who likes playing with the ladies. Let's look at that thing now!

    [​IMG]

    What? Goddamn what a bitch. What a fucking cock tease! Alright, shit, let's look at the MAP. Jesus, it's only useless. :roll:

    [​IMG] I like this kinda stuff. Bombs and monitors... you know, flashy stuff.

    [​IMG]

    Alright, take it away, Jessie. I know you have a lot to say so just go ahead and say it.

    [​IMG] It's about a 1/10000 scale. The top plate is about 50 meters over ground. A main support structure holds the plate up in the center, and there are other support structures built in each sector. The No. 1 reactor we blew up was in the northern sector. Then there's No. 2, No. 3 and all the way up to the No. 8 reactor. The 8 reactors provide Midgar with electricity. Each town used to have a name, but no one in Midgar remembers them. Instead of names, we refer to them by numbered sectors. That's the kind of place this is.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] The route spirals around the main support structure. We should be coming around the center area, right now. At each checkpoint, an ID sensor device is set up. It can check the identities and background on each and every passenger on the train by linking it up to the central data bank at Shinra Headquarters.
    [​IMG] Damn you, George Orwell.
    [​IMG] What?
    [​IMG] Nothing.
    [​IMG] Right, well, anyone could tell we look suspicious, so we're using fake IDs.
    [​IMG] That's handy.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, that's the ID sensor thing. It flashes red and acts all kinds of shit.

    [​IMG]

    My eyes!

    [​IMG]

    Cloud employs his sexy boy pose and mutters something about irony, I'm sure.

    [​IMG] Anyhow, we're almost back now. That's a relief.

    And we're in control again. Let's talk to Jessie again and bring up dialogue options.

    [​IMG]

    This is the first of the many C&C dialogues that will eventually result in what kind of date we'll end up going on later in the game. Now, just as an example, since I picked "looking forward to it" we end up getting a minus 5 for getting the Tifa date. Don't worry, though, because Tifa is so easy to get and you get plenty of options to rocket her love points to HEAVAN! We can easily get a minus 5 and flirt to our heart's content with Barrets demolition specialist.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We're almost there. After talking with you, I really want to do it! I think you've lit my fuse!

    She's referring to the bomb she's going to give Cloud.

    FACT: Cloud won't actually get a bomb from Jessie. Bitch.

    Alright, next stop: Barret. He has a thing for the sky, as it turns out.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] If that plate weren't there, we could see the sky...

    Yammery yammery yam! Cloud joins in.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] You jes' full of surprises.

    Well, it IS kind of uncharacteristic but you don't have to be that way, Barret! Give him a break.

    [​IMG] The upper world... a city on a plate. It's cuz of that fucking 'pizza' that people underneath are sufferin'! And the city below is full of polluted air. On topa that, the Reactor keeps drainin' up all the energy.

    [​IMG] Then why doesn't everyone just move onto the plate?

    Cloud isn't the brightest bulb in this lamp factory... or something. In fact, he's kind of a fucking moron but we won't hold that against him.

    [​IMG] Probably cuz they ain't got no money or cuz they like their homes, you stupid motherfucker!

    And Cloud goes all poet on us!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Our train kept a rollin' through the night, bitches!

    [​IMG]


    In the next update: Meet the resistance!
     
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  3. dragonfk Erudite

    dragonfk
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    Great update :) . Keep it up :!:
     
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  4. Hazelnut Erudite

    Hazelnut
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    Is it just me or is this making no sense. I'm only skimming it, but nothing is making me want to look closer.. quite the opposite. :shock:

    Games like this exist? And were successful? I steered clear of jrpgs since no one I know had a good word to say about them, but never in a million years could I have imagined that garbage. And the sword? You mean no one looked at that in production and thought 'gee, that looks fucking dumb, we can't put that in there ?
     
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  5. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Trust me, my hazely nutty friend. Games like these exist and some people base their whole existence worshipping and writing articles about them.

    If you run across a Final Fantasy-supporter, never give them the benefit of the doubt. Strike them down immediately.
     
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  6. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
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    1,535
    Could you help a brother out and not post bandwidth raping images that often clock over 1MB in size each? I only get allocated 2GB of highspeed bandwidth a month. :|
     
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  7. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Absolutely. I'm currently experimenting a lot with the images, trying out different stuff, so when I get home from work today I'm going to remake the updates so that they're not all menacing looking. (How some people find time for that kind of thing, I have no idea. :wink:) Well, I learn. *shrugs* :)
     
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  8. SanguinePenguin Scholar

    SanguinePenguin
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
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    470
    This one is incomplete because it fails to mention the homosexual element between Cloud and Sephiroth which IMO is fairly blatant, but a lot of FF VII fans are seemingly unaware of it strangely enough. Gamespot actually had an article that touched on this before they completely sold out.

    And yes the whole point of the sword is to be a phallic symbol. You might think you're being clever but it's intentional and suppose to look weird and in fact it's a trope/cliche/whenever when establishing the hot gay man on man rivalry between feminine/masculine and student/teacher (which one is which depends on the story).

    Several examples that come to mind is Guts vs. Griffith in Berserk with the Demon Blade.

    The evil ninja dude and his gunsel in Naruto with his Zan-Bato

    Kenshin and Sanosuke in Ruroni Kenshin with the same weapon.


    But if you want to get into faggy most modern western RPGs can't really talk. Fat neckbeards have sucking off elf dick, fapping to longbows, and engaging in other forms of communism for years. At least jRPGs change the drapes. Seriously, stop making games in Medieval times.
     
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  9. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Yes, yes, but couldn't it be just a slightly big phallic symbol instead of a big fucking huge phallic symbol? That's all I'm asking.
     
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  10. SanguinePenguin Scholar

    SanguinePenguin
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    470
    Seriously the Buster Blade isn't even that bad in that regard either.

    The Zanbato
    [​IMG]

    See? Iit can't even fit in the fucking picture.
     
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  11. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
    Joined:
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    Urkanistan
    photoshop 7 or newer.
    file -> save for web & devices
    set the quality aroun 40-50 there - it will give you a picture of approximately the same quality but 5-10 times smaller than the same picture in straight jpg format.
     
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  12. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
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    Location:
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    I remember the creator of this masterpiece commenting on the sword. He said its size was supposed to highlight Cloud's teenage appearance... but the phallic interpretation is funnier, so I'll go with that.

    Homoeroticism makes me laugh.

    I'd forgotten all about Berserk. Oh yes, juicy yaoi goodness for the laydeez and batties. It astonishes me how many supposedly heterosexual gym-bunnies and skinheads love that show.

    You're confused? Ha ha ha! Go get yourself a Faq and go on a date with Barret in the Gold Saucer. Besides, can you blame the poor, befuddled bear? Who wouldn't want to get some of blondie's tight bod?

    Godammit. I'd forgotten just how bent this game actually is. This is a problem, as I'm far too immature to leave something like this alone. Every time Locue updates, I'm likely to post a torrent of gay innuendo.

    At least my brother will be happy. If I'm directing all my childishness at this thread, then he won't have to suffer my presence when he plays CoD4. Everytime he plays that game, I do my best to distract him by calling it a 'hymn a praise to the masculine ideal' and making comments about the camaraderie of men with large weapons penetrating enemy lines and... so on and so on.
     
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  13. DarkUnderlord Professional Throne Sitter

    DarkUnderlord
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    Christ. Learn to compress the images mother-fucker. There's no way any of them need to weigh over one and a half meg each.
     
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  14. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    10,793
  15. Hümmelgümpf Arbiter

    Hümmelgümpf
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    The Grand List Of Console Role Playing Game Clichés

     
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  16. Hazelnut Erudite

    Hazelnut
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    I remember using a utility (freeware or free trial) that I downloaded when I had several hundred photos to send to relatives. It was great, just give it a directory full o' files and an output directory and tell it what you want doing. The only issue I had was rotating some of them, but that wont be an issue for you. Sorry - Can't remember what it was called. I'll look on my old win98 partition (if I still have it) tonight if you like.
     
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  17. WalterKinde Scholar

    WalterKinde
    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2006
    Messages:
    524
    LOL i always loved that list because its true :D
    But in the defense of the console jrpg, at least for me its the journey to the end that mattered.
    By the time you have played your third console jrpg you should be able to pick up on a few things mentioned in that list.
     
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  18. Damned Registrations Prestigious Gentleman Furry Weeaboo Nazi Nihilist

    Damned Registrations
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,111
    Isn't Barret from some hick coal mining town anyways? His broken hick-speech actually makes sense that way. It's Cid's dialogue that makes no sense. Fucking _rocket scientist_ shouting retarded crap non stop...

    And those aren't even close to the best cliches (Some of which apply to western crpgs too...)

     
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  19. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Who in their right mind would think calling somebody a motherfucker would actually insult them?

    Edit: Photoshop sucks.
     
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  20. Walkin' Dude Liturgist

    Walkin' Dude
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2006
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    796
    Seriously. I mean, who here has NOT had sex with their mother?
     
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  21. Lemunde Scholar

    Lemunde
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    322
    Crude insults not withstanding he does have a point. You need to convert them to jpgs instead of pngs. Try using Faststone Image Viewer.

    http://www.faststone.org/FSViewerDetail.htm

    It'll convert the whole bunch in just a couple of clicks.
     
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  22. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Alrighty then, it's an all wussy jpeg show from now on. Enjoy. :wink:
     
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  23. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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    Great thread. Keep it coming.
     
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  24. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    And of course you'll treat us with some gay-love dating when the time comes , right? C&C baby !
     
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  25. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Maybe. :wink:

    Edit: Poll time!

    1: Tifa. <- girlfriend with large breasts.
    2: Aeris. <- flower pimp girl.
    3: Barret. <- the black man. (Default)
    4: Yuffie. <- fucking annoying ninja girl.

    Shoes!
     
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