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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

LarsTheSurly

Scholar
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
137
Location
Surrounded by idiots
Are we done with the stupid minigames yet? Covering them all seemed like a good idea at the time, but they're really making this thing drag.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
skyway said:
6 hours passed.
Let's give it another 6 hours.

LarsTheSurly said:
Are we done with the stupid minigames yet? Covering them all seemed like a good idea at the time, but they're really making this thing drag.
I don't believe anyone ever thought it was a good idea to cover them all. It's like people think it's funny to play hentai games. Oh, the irony et cetera. I hope you all understand by reading those updates how much fun I actually had writing it up. Please feel sorry for me. The only minigames we haven't touched yet are snowboarding, submarining and chocoboracing.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
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Messages
9,933
Location
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I'm afraid they've already made their appearance, skyway. This is a serious game and it deserves serious commentary.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
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Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Alright, time to wrap Barret's story up. If you read that post I made in the "The fight against Mareus"-thread in the news forum you already know what's happening in this update but I guess you folks want screenshots to go with the text.

Now, I promised I was gonna be drunk now. Well, I'm not. I wasted all my brown liquor on lithuanian hitman jokes. So instead I have the supermegaawesome collector's director's cut edition of The Evil Dead playing in the background, and I'm going to make references to that movie every now and then. Probably a lot less than I think. If you've seen the movie you'll probably know what scene I'm at when I make these special comments. Like this one: Goddamn, Bruce Campbell is one handsome guy.

Anyway! FF7-time! This is where we left off, before we started showcasing minigames.

700_learnenglishcloud.jpg


Cloud pointing and asking Barret: "Did he really....." It almost makes you want to hire a lithuanian hitman to "take care" of the translators.

701_kay.jpg


Yeah, and we all know what's gonna happen if we let you handle it on your own.

Nothing's going to get done.

Anyway, Barret runs off and our newest party member chimes in with..

702_dangerousenoughtokill.jpg


I could say the same thing about you. I'd fear for my life if I met someone like you, Deceive.

Before we follow Barret, let's stop for a moment and touch that dead guy's butt.

703_itouchhisbutt.jpg


Yes, there can never be enough butt touching in video games these days.

Holy fuck, a ghost took control of her hand and made her draw creepy stuff.

Alright, we follow Barret to the only place he could have went to: an abandoned house.

704_goodquestionletsrewind.jpg


And goddamn is he angry!

705_dontpointyourarmatmebitch.jpg


Just close your eyes, Deceive. It'll all be over.

706_artistsdepiction.jpg


707_guessnot.jpg


Yeah.

Supposedly he fires this terminator 2 style mini-minigun in-between or maybe even over Cloud and Aeris. And the bullets apparently hits a guy hiding behind the couch. Barret, are you using homing bullets? Or are you really just that good? It makes no sense at all!

Goddamn, Bruce! Stay away from that book, dude!

821_ohhey.jpg


Oh hey, guys. Where did you come from? I guess it doesn't matter.

Glorious, glorious breasts!

822_excellentquestionnanaki.jpg


That is an excellent question.

No, there's nobody out there in the woods, girl. But maybe you better go check just in case.

823_flashback.jpg


Well, we all know what this means: it's time for a flashback!

Alright, I'm taking a break. That girl is almost getting raped by a tree now.

...

Alright, I'm done.

FLASHBACK TIME!

824_flashback.jpg


Oh snap!

By the way, I like the fact that Barret and Dyne apparently just went out to do some mining on their own. I don't want to make a Brokeback Mountain joke, but I just did anyway. Those asians and their fascination for wild west homosexuality.

825_ohnoes.jpg


826_vibratingfistsofdoom.jpg


You can't see how animated Barret is in this scene and that's a real shame. You really should play the game just for the sake of seeing the amount of animation Squaresoft gave Barret's FISTS. Hell, I'm willing to make a bet that you can probably smell his vibrating fists of doom through the screen. You can probably taste it too but I wouldn't recommend it. You never know who cummed all over it.

By the way, I thought he already told you what happened? The village got its ass kicked by Shinra soldiers. Stop vibrating, stop crying and just run the fuck home as quickly you can, and maybe you can do something useful.

Holy shit, those lenses are creepy.

827_dancedancerevolution.jpg


Dance, Barret, dance!

Alright, so Barret eventually manages to stop dancing. Unfortunately, Dyne trips and almost fall down the canyon.

828_ACTIONMOVIE.jpg


INTENSE ACTION-MOVIE!

829_ACTIONMOVIE.jpg


STARRING BARRET WALLACE AND DYNE LIME.

I don't know what his last name is.

Goddamn it, don't pull her out of the fireplace! You know she's gonna try and kill you even more if you do!

830_awesomeness-scarletcanshootstuf.jpg


Alright, I somehow managed to lose the screenshot before this so it's a bit sudden, but the idea here is that Scarlet (the woman in the red dress, not the blue boy on the far left) suddenly appeared, suckerpunched one of the blue soldiers and took his rifle so that she could use it better. Only she's actually not having anything in her hands. They got the shooting animation right but forgot to put a rifle in her hands.

831c_bulletscomingcloser.jpg


831d_bulletscomingcloser.jpg


FEEL THE BULLETS COMING CLOSER!

831e_bulletscomingcloser.jpg


832_uhoh.jpg


Uh oh.

833_uh.jpg


Wut?

834_OWFUCK.jpg


HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

Also: Cut her up, Ash! Forget about that stupid necklace! She's beyond help! Don't go bury her, you fucking wimp!

835_ohno.jpg


DYNE!! NOOOOOOO!!

836_andthatshowitis.jpg


"I will return!"

837_oh.jpg


838_whataboutdyne.jpg


Uh, okay... but what about Dyne?

839_whataboutdyneyoutriggerhappyman.jpg


I repeat: what about Dyne? He was your bestest buddy! You grew up together! You shared intimate experiences together! You showered naked together! This is kind of a follow-up to that FF7-thread. Character designs? What character designs? Don't you fucking argue that shit, you little 'tard. Here's a childhood friend of Barret that we expect you to care about. Why should we when Barret doesn't?

840_orly.jpg


*sigh* Oh well.

841_ohwellmysterysolved.jpg


Hey guys? Mystery: fucking solved!

842_HAVENTYOUBEENLISTENINGYOUFUCKIN.jpg


HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING, YOU FUCKING MORON?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A STICK! HANDS COMING OUT OF THE STOMACH! THAT'S NUTS!

Hey, movie's over soon.

843_cloudandbarret-buddies.jpg


Yeah, Barret was thinking about going solo. We can't have that!

844_nanaki-1.jpg


... Nanaki. Why? Because I wanted to level up his limitbreaks a bit. He's still using "Sled Fang" or whatever it's called and he got his gauge filled up just before we entered Corel.

Alright, anyway:

845_oooh-1.jpg


Hey look, the guard who was blocking the exit is dead now. For... SOME... reason. This whole thing is one of the most retarded stories in FF7. I'll tell you why in a little bit.

846_igotabaaaaadfeeling.jpg


Yeah, no shit.

We discover Dyne, sitting around in his own private cavern.

847_whyyesyesitis.jpg


A valid question. Now let's kick back and enjoy the beautiful exchange between these reunited childhood friends.

Dyne.jpg
Now that's a voice I haven't heard in years... A voice I'll never forget...
barretwallace.jpg
I always hoped I'd be able to see you again someday... I knew you were alive somewhere... we had the same operation. Listen to me Dyne. I want to...

Here, Barret begins to walk towards Dyne who immediately fires his gun at him. He misses, obviously, and Barret backs away. Yes, things starts out really well, don't they?

Dyne.jpg
What's that? ...I hear her voice.
barretwallace.jpg
......?

One of the few times when "dot dot dot dot dot" is entirely justified. Just kidding.

848_orly.jpg


Dyne.jpg
That's why I didn't hunt you down...
barretwallace.jpg
I know I was stupid. I'm not asking you to forgive me. But... What're you doin' in a place like this? Why ya wanna kill those that ain't even involved? Why?
Dyne.jpg
....Why!? The hell do you care for!?

He points the gun at Barret.

Dyne.jpg
Are the people killed going to understand 'why'? Are the people of Corel going to understand just hearing Shinra's excuses? I don't CARE what the reason is!

Yeah... hey, raise your hand if you think he's just spouting out nonsense. Raise your hand if you think he should be put down like the mad little shit he is.

Dyne.jpg
All they give us are artillery and stupid excuses... What's left is a world of despair and emptiness...
barretwallace.jpg
........

850_ohnonotanotherstory.jpg


Tell us, Dyne! Tell us!

851_beststoryever.jpg


Oh.

He fires his gun at some garbage to make a point that he's really fucking serious.

Dyne.jpg
The people of this city.

He shoots something again. We got it the first time, Dyne.

Dyne.jpg
This city itself.

This time he fires at Barret, who freaks out like it hurt! You're in for a real asswoopin' now, Dyne. Nobody fires at my feet and lives!

Dyne.jpg
The whole world!

He turns away and cries manly mantears of masculinity.

852_zing.jpg


Yeah, for all of you who didn't know; Marlene is not Barret's daughter, she's Dyne's.

barretwallace.jpg
Dyne, Marlene...... Marlene's still alive."

Dyne looks over his shoulder! Hearing his daughter's name got his attention!

Dyne.jpg
........?

Translation: OH REALLY? DO TELL ME MORE ABOUT MARLENE, PLEASE.

barretwallace.jpg
I went back into town. I thought she was gone for sure. That is why I wanted to be by her side till the end. That's when I found her..... ...found Marlene.
Dyne.jpg
...

What itches me about this is pretty much that Barret ran off to town and snatched his childhood friend's daughter to bring her up as his own. Then Dyne went looking, couldn't find her (since Barret fucking brought her with him to Midgar), assumed she was dead and went nuts because of it. Indeed: what can change the nature of a man? Of course, Barret couldn't know that Dyne would survive falling down a mountain, but still! It's kind of... I dunno.

*sigh* Let's just continue.

Evil Dead's done, btw. I'm watching Seinfeld now. Season 4. For some reason I don't think it's as funny now as I thought when I was thirteen.

853_perfect.jpg


Dyne.jpg
So...... she's still alive...

She sure is, Dyne!

854_what.jpg


Uh, okay.

barretwallace.jpg
What!?

Yes, Dyne. What!? It's really a good question.

Dyne.jpg
Eleanor's alone all by herself. I've got to take Marlene to her.
barretwallace.jpg
Dyne.... are you insane!?

Understatement of the fucking millennium, jesus fucking christ!

Dyne.jpg
Marlene wants to see her Mom, don't she?

It should be pointed out that Dyne fires his arm gun at Barret several times during this. Barret apparently blocks the bullets with his hands. Or something. I dunno. I hate anime so I'm not really equipped to make that decision. Maybe he's firing bullets too and Barret's bullets are hitting Dyne's bullets and Aerosmith is playing in the background and there's a monster truck rally going on and the female cast members of Beverly Hills 90210 is handing out free blowjobs! I don't know!!! IT'S FUCKING CRAZY!!!

barretwallace.jpg
Stop, Dyne! I can't die yet!

Do note that he says that HE can't die yet.

Dyne.jpg
Oh yeah? Well my life's been over ever since then.

More bullets are fired.

barretwallace.jpg
Stop it! I don't wanna fight you!
cloudstrife.jpg
Barret!
barretwallace.jpg
Cloud, you stay the hell out of it! This is MY problem!!

And here we are with a boss fight.

The pink shirt was all my design. I happened to be wearing a pink shirt at the time when I was drawing this.

859_friendship-whatsitgoodfor.jpg


Anyway, press the action button a couple of times and he'll eventually do this:

860_dropdeaddyne.jpg


The filename is 860_dropdeaddyne.jpg

FUCK YEAH.

FACT: We've actually gone way over 860 pictures, btw. It's well in the one thousand's. I only started numbering the screenshots some time around... I can't remember. Whatever. Not important. Epic death coming up!

Dyne falls to his knees. Barret runs up to him. Presumably not to shoot him in the head, but to help him up.

Dyne.jpg
Back!!

He gets up and limps over near the cliff's edge. He leans against a piece of broken metal.

This. Is going to be epic. I just know it.

Dyne.jpg
...it wasn't just my arm...... back then.... I lost something irreplaceable. I don't know where I went wrong..."
barretwallace.jpg
Dyne..... I don't know either, man.

No fucking shit.

861_yes.jpg


Dyne.jpg
I told you... I... I want to destroy everything... Everything... This crazy world... Even me...
barretwallace.jpg
An' what about Marlene? What's gonna happen to her!?
Dyne.jpg
Think about it... Barret... How old was Marlene back then...?

862_actuallyabittouching.jpg


863_imcryingoverhere.jpg


This, I might add, is the only part of this fuckwit stupid dialogue that makes me tear up a little. And I'm not being sarcastic here.

barretwallace.jpg
......
Dyne.jpg
Barret...

He tosses something to him. It's probably a grenade.

Dyne.jpg
Give that pendant to Marlene... It was... Eleanors's... my wife's... memento...
barretwallace.jpg
All right...

865_hekeepstrack.jpg


Dyne limps over to the edge.

866_ohnowhatareyougonnadodyne.jpg


Oh noes, what are you going to do, Dyne?

867_jesuschristpose.jpg


FACT: Jesus Christ pose #294782487625½

And he falls backwards, down into the dark darkness.

I'm going to be quiet now. Let's marvel at these last dialogue lines:

868_DY------NE.jpg


869_awww.jpg


870_what.jpg


Yup.

I'm going to say here, fearing for my life, that I'm sure that this whole sequence could have been a real tearjerker if Square had bothered to flesh out the characters. I cry a lot at the movies. I get emotionally attached to certain characters. Final Fantasy 7's characters, however, I can't give a fuck about. And I certainly can't give a fuck about Final Fantasy 7's SUPPORTING CAST. And when they're given a five minute long presentation, and you're not a complete fucking idiot, then your immediate reaction is to press buttons until the boring fucking text boxes go away.

Just saying.

Anyway, what happens next is this:

871_ikilledhimletusgoup.jpg


872_ryte.jpg


873_dontspeakbadaboutthedeadbitch.jpg


874_inthenextupdate-boringminigame.jpg


875_suddenly.jpg


876_butahfuckitsheisfunnylookin.jpg


877_WELLTHANKYOULADY.jpg


Oh yes, we're gonna race chocobos! It'll be so much fun, lemme tell ya!

878_uhfromheretohere-fuckingtransla.jpg


Yes, I went from DOWN HERE to UP HERE!

879_fact-wewont.jpg


Oh my, what a diss!

Alright, once everyone stop talking run and grab the Ramuh - GOD OF THUNDER summon materia that's just lying over there in the corner.

"Yeah, we've been waiting for someone to come by and grab that there do-hickey!"

Only explanation I can think about.

Anyway, we're almost done.

881_ohyeahletsinvestigate.jpg


Let's find out shall we?

882_lookslikeshewasright.jpg


Looks like she was right. Alright, air guitar solo!

Ester brought us a letter from Dio!

883_mantalkaboutcool.jpg


Well, we're free to go. Apparently this is all you have to do when you're a criminal in FF7. Kill someone, blame it on him and win a race. And if you lose the race, for some reason, you can just try again as many times as you like until you win.

Oh and we also get a present so we can MOVE TO THE NEXT AREA!!!

884_abuggy.jpg


885_powerup.jpg


POWER-UP YEAH!!!

Oh hey, the letter from Dio continues:

886_hehasfanswhohaveboysmyage.jpg


887_kewl.jpg


Looks like we have a new destination.

Well, at least incentive to continue our linear path around the continent. :roll:

888_ohIwill.jpg


Oh, we will, Ester. We will.

Now press the X-button and...

889_KEWL.jpg


AWESOME!!

Btw, right now you can backtrack and do another Fort Condor mission, as well as filling up that new enemy skill materia you picked up.


In the next update:

891_plot.jpg


892_lookguysplot.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Btw, it should be noted that Square succeeded where Bioware failed when it comes to providing instructions for entering and leaving vehicles.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
Barret said:
But... What're you doin' in a place like this? Why ya wanna kill those that ain't even involved? Why?
Lulz. Barret, whose solution for stopping Shinra was blowing up chemical plants across a massive city that would result in much suffering for "those that ain't even involved", is talking down on Dyne as if he's a truly evil bastard just because he killed a few of the other criminal prisoners in the desert town.
 

Fat Dragon

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Does it ever explain why Dio decided to choose a murderous psycho like Dyne to be in charge of the prison, as well as giving him access to the big casino place? Doesn't seem like the best thing to do...
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Narnia
Not as far as I know, no. But the thing that bothers me is more why he decided to go on a rampage just now. He's obviously been boss down there for quite some time, but he's clearly not a warden. He's a prisoner, but a prisoner with special rights and could apparently come and go as he wished...

I dunno. It hurts to think about it and I just don't care. :)
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,839
Fat Dragon said:
Does it ever explain why Dio decided to choose a murderous psycho like Dyne to be in charge of the prison, as well as giving him access to the big casino place? Doesn't seem like the best thing to do...
Just watch prison break and you'll get your answers...

I don't know what his last name is.
Dyne -AMITE ?? ahahahah...ha..a.

Only she's actually not having anything in her hands. They got the shooting animation right but forgot to put a rifle in her hands.
I remember that scene, it was one of the most ridiculous scenes in ff7, like kids shooting at each other with imaginary guns... oh, wait.



and that Ester chick is kind of scary...she's like a loli - milf mako mutant thing.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
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Messages
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Location
local brothel
Andyman Messiah said:
Not as far as I know, no. But the thing that bothers me is more why he decided to go on a rampage just now. He's obviously been boss down there for quite some time, but he's clearly not a warden. He's a prisoner, but a prisoner with special rights and could apparently come and go as he wished...
He's not the warden? I always figured he was since you apparently need his permission to enter the Chocobo race for freedom.

Anyways, you're right. No point in spending time thinking about something that makes no sense.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Well, maybe he's "some kind of warden"? The prison is pretty much selfsustained so it'd make sense that the strongest prisoner gets to be the sheriff. I assumed Mr Coates (in the green suit) was Dios contact down there. He got guards, a nice suit, guards the elevator and tells people to go and challenge the current sheriff.

As far as why Dyne suddenly decided to flip a wrong pancake when Barret came to visit... holy moley, they sure like strange coincidences. I guess we'll never know the whole truth! :P
 

Sovy Kurosei

Erudite
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
1,535
Dyne's scene could have been so much better if the fight had been editted out and he didn't literally say "I want to destroy everything! *emo, emo, sob*"

It is a real shame that this plot thread ended as abruptly and poorly here since it started all the way back in Seventh Heaven.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
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MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
And what the hell is up with Sephiroth whining he's treated like a monster when everyone goes on and on about how awsum he is? It just hit me again with what Dio said.
 

Fat Dragon

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Sephiroth has a penis envy katana. In the eyes of Japs and Weaboos the world over he is considered awesome. To be one whom is admired by Japs and Weaboos is to be an actual freak of nature.

Makes sense that he wouldn't be happy about it.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
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Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
In the next update, we're going to visit Gongaga and witness how incompetent Cloud is. We're also going to pretend we're a cactus, omg spoiler!!
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
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Messages
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MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Fat Dragon said:
Sephiroth has a penis envy katana. In the eyes of Japs and Weaboos the world over he is considered awesome. To be one whom is admired by Japs and Weaboos is to be an actual freak of nature.

Makes sense that he wouldn't be happy about it.
Now that you put it that way...
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
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Messages
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Location
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Fat Dragon said:
I'm not sure which part of the game was more boring: Fort Condor or Gongaga.
Hey, guess what? Cosmo Canyon is right around the corner! :D
 

Fat Dragon

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Something amazing is on the horizon. That something... dramatic pause ...is Cosmo motherfucking Canyon.

Jesus fucking Christ, I hate Cosmo Canyon. That places pisses me off for one reason: the old fuck's astronomy chamber! That old Jew criticizes Shinra for making Mako, but Mako is what makes the machinery in this game's world run. So that means that Bugler or whatever the fuck his name is either:

A. Is a hypocritical Jew bastard that secretly uses mako to power his astronomy chamber.
...or...
B. His chamber is powered by plain old electricity, not mako spirit energy. And since electricity would work just as good as mako, the whole point of Shinra killing the planet by harvesting mako to power everything is pointless bullshit!
 

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