Real men don't have friends that go by "Jasede the yiffmaster" on the RPG Codex.
kingcomrade: I'm definitely more of a cat person, but seeing that picture definitely made me ill. I can't help it. I'm only human. Somebody should tell that damn dog that it's not nice to ask your food provider if he can take a fucking picture of you when it's raining.
Also in this post: update!
Chapter 5 - Come meet the resistance!
The train comes to a stop and our fearsome freedom fighters doesn't walk out of it, they JUMP out of it.
FACT: Just because you don't have a button on your keyboard/gamepad that's for jumping doesn't mean they can't jump. JRPG characters have no problem with jumping and in fact, if they wanted to they would probably jump all the time everywhere all over the place! But they don't, because that's what the players would have them do if they could! Fill in the blanks yourself, Art!
Barret gives us a most quick and rousing debriefing, well in hearing range of the Shinra-paid guard.
Alrighty! Now, we can either just follow our people back to the hideout and progress the story - or we can go to the area to the right and fight monsters for cash and experience. That's what I didn't do because it's a serious waste of time. The monsters are not difficult, leaves behind only a tiny amount of exp and cash and perhaps a potion or even an ether if you're really lucky. But I didn't bother with that shit. Let's get the show on the road!
WE GO LEFT!!! TWICE!!!
Uh-oh, looks like AVALANCHE's getting ready to raid that bar!
Barret proceeds to kick some innocent alcoholics out on the mud and then plays a kick-ass drum solo on the chest!
FACT: Barret Wallace is everything you wanted Tarzan to be when you were young: black.
Alright, alright, let's stop the racist jokes.
Before moving on, let's have a talk with this woman and see what she has to say:
Yeah, looks like I was right in assuming there would be civilian casualties. Oh well, I'm sure they were evil.
When we try to enter the bar, Barret stops us.
What the hell do you mean, Barret? You know I only have eyes for you, my big black bear!
Yeah, but you know what a bunch of cunts the women are, man. They get some shit in their sights an' they gotta have it. Fuck. Jus' gotta watch out for my man, y'know.
Trust me, Barret. You have nothing to worry about.
I'm glad ta hear that, boy. Now get inside.
And we go inside to meet the "little baby" that's been threatening Cloud and Barrets relationship as of late.
Come out, you little cunt!
That's not her, Cloud!
Um, whoa, boy do I feel bad now...
And you bloody well should!
Alright, alright, don't rub it in...
Oh Christ, it's hard to be your daddy's new boyfriend.
This is Marlene, Barrets daughter. She's going to give us a few headaches during the course of the game, but hey - she's a cute one, isn't she?
I don't know...
Bitch, you're sleeping with her father!
Uh...
Did the scary man scare you, darling? Well, did he?
Uh...
He scared you, didn't he? Do you want me to scare him for you?
*sniff*
Wanna see the big bad man scared?
Oh fuck.
Watch that language!
Nnng!
You're only making it worse, Cloud.
FACT: While this might look like dating dialogue, it's not. So feel free.
Well, I fought
together with him but... ah, no, I did not fight with Barret this time. (Can't say I didn't try though.)
Wow, you've grown up! When you were little you used to fight all the time!
Can't you let it go, please?
Not until you pay for the damages.
Nnng!
And stop sounding like a constipated horse!
Oh yeah, I have a flower sticking out of my pocket. I almost forgot about it.
Hmm... It's a rare thing. You never see them in the slums.
Really, well, I...
I hope you didn't think about giving it to me, fool. You know I'd only wipe my pretty little girl behind with it.
It has some thorns in it...
All the better. Hand it over, I have a little behind that needs wiping.
Alright people, here's another one of them dating choices. Giving it to Tifa give us 5 points to her like you better-meter. Giving it to Marlene makes Barret like us 5 points more. Choices, choices.
Yes, like the artist I think a little bit of Tifa died just now. I'm also pretty certain that the language Marlene uses is pretty darn accurate seeing as how Barret is.
Speaking of Barret, in he walks and immediately drops into a fearsome fighting stance!
FACT: Barret Wallace never take any chances! Even his own, white and pure as the driven snow daughter can be Victor Charlie!
But soon, he relaxes and puts her on his shoulder.
FACT: Barret Wallace, father of the year and owner of the world's strongest shoulders.
HOLY SHIT IT'S A SECRET ELEVATOR! LET'S not follow them right away! Let's have a chat with Tifa before we go to get our pay.
Do we have to?
I know you don't like each others, but we really have to.
No, we don't! We need to get our money. Come on!
We really have to.
Give me one good reason!
We have to... for the Internet.
The Internet.
The Internet.
WELL, THE INTERNET CAN GO FU...
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING LANGUAGE, BOY!
... sorry, sweetie!
Alright, so Cloud sits his ass down by the bar and...
Oh man, we get more dating dialogue!
Give me something hard!
No!
What?
You just got 5 points for Tifa's date!
What? For drinking like a man?!
Yes, but you're gay! You have to drink like a gay man! You need little umbrellas in your drinks!
But I hate shit in my drink!
Then I guess you should be heterosexual then!
How can you say that?!
Hey, boy, I'm still here, y'know!
Nnng!
What'd I tell you about that?
That I should stop doing it.
That's right. Alright, you wanted a drink - I'll get you a drink.
... please... no stuff in it...
You know, I AM relieved you made it back safely.
Shit, that wasn't even a difficult job.
Yeah, I guess not. I mean, you were in SOLDIER! You're elite, muthafucka, aren't you! Haha! Well, make sure you get your money from Barret.
Yeah. Why?
I don't know. You look tired. Been up too long together with your lover, have you?
That's none of your business, you old whore.
In the next update: WE RIDE THE SECRET PINBALL MACHINE ELEVATOR!!! (and get cash and stuff also.)