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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

afewhours

Scholar
Joined
Dec 26, 2007
Messages
562
Location
UK
Locue said:
1: Tifa. <- girlfriend with large breasts.
2: Aeris. <- flower pimp girl.
3: Barret. <- the black man. (Default)
4: Yuffie. <- fucking annoying ninja girl.

MULTI-HEADED BARRET DICKS HITTING ASS AND LEG OH GOD ITS HEAVAN
 

Damned Registrations

Furry Weeaboo Nazi Nihilist
Joined
Feb 24, 2007
Messages
14,980
Barret (Largely because this involves your, ahem, first 'date' being a bit more interesting, iirc.)
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Current voting has led me to:

Barret 2
Borat 1
Tifa 2
Aeris 1

The voting will continue for a while longer.

(Mind you, no matter who you vote for I'm going to show you the other three ones when I feel like it. 'Course, you can also just watch them on Youtube.)
 

Suicidal

Arcane
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
2,208
So, does FFVII allow you to have only one NPC companion with you at a time or something?
 

Jasede

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Jan 4, 2005
Messages
24,793
Insert Title Here RPG Wokedex Codex Year of the Donut I'm very into cock and ball torture
No. You can have three in your party (? I think. It's terribly few compared to most real FF games (like, not 7, 10, 10-2 or 12. Or 8.))

They're voting on who they'll have the date with in the casino with the terrible, terrible music.
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
11,079
Awh , come on , Barret is a great date for a let's play thread... I mean we've all chosen one of the girls in our first playthroughs .....erm... right?
 

Suicidal

Arcane
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
2,208
Jasede said:
No. You can have three in your party (? I think. It's terribly few compared to most real FF games (like, not 7, 10, 10-2 or 12. Or 8.))

They're voting on who they'll have the date with in the casino with the terrible, terrible music.

Oh, I see. My choice remains the same, though.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Yeah, you can only have three characters in your party. It was never a real problem for me because you only really have two favorite characters and Cloud, who must be in your party at all time unless
he's drooling uncontrollably or something
. We're voting about the dating game thing they put into the game for the lulz.

Near the end of Disc 1, I think, all the heroes meet up at the big amusement park thing in the middle of the desert and Cloud gets to go on a terribly awkvard ferris wheel date with one of the three women - or Barret.

Tifa now leads with 3 votes but I'm not putting together the update for some time so if Suicidal wants to spell-check Borat into Barret we'll have a tie. :wink:

Edit: Alright, alright, Barret it is. Damn you, ghostdog.

Fake edit 2: Voting is closed. I'm putting together an update. Poor Tifa won't be getting any flowers. :cry: :P
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sovy Kurosei said:
I wonder why you can date Barret but not Red XIII.
You do realize you're essentially comparing a black man to a red tiger, you racist interspecies sex fuck?

Well, I have no idea, either. You'd think they'd try and fix that somehow.
 

Radisshu

Prophet
Joined
Jul 16, 2007
Messages
5,623
Locue said:
Sovy Kurosei said:
I wonder why you can date Barret but not Red XIII.
You do realize you're essentially comparing a black man to a red tiger, you racist interspecies sex fuck?

Well, I have no idea, either. You'd think they'd try and fix that somehow.


I'm sure there are fanfics that correct this.
 

Elhoim

Iron Tower Studio
Developer
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,878
Location
San Isidro, Argentina
The bad thing is that by choosing Barret you´ll miss the theatre play, which is kinda fun when you fuck it up choosing the incorrect answers...
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sovy Kurosei said:
Real men work on their LP threads and not disappoint their audience.
Yeah, well, real men don't have audiences! Or.. y'know... I dunno.

I'll have the date up in a sec. Cheesus!
 

Jasede

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Jan 4, 2005
Messages
24,793
Insert Title Here RPG Wokedex Codex Year of the Donut I'm very into cock and ball torture
Real men send their friend a PM from time to time, asking how he's doing.
 

kingcomrade

Kingcomrade
Edgy
Joined
Oct 16, 2005
Messages
26,884
Location
Cognitive Elite HQ
SadDog.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Real men don't have friends that go by "Jasede the yiffmaster" on the RPG Codex.

kingcomrade: I'm definitely more of a cat person, but seeing that picture definitely made me ill. I can't help it. I'm only human. Somebody should tell that damn dog that it's not nice to ask your food provider if he can take a fucking picture of you when it's raining.

Also in this post: update!

Chapter 5 - Come meet the resistance!

The train comes to a stop and our fearsome freedom fighters doesn't walk out of it, they JUMP out of it.

FACT: Just because you don't have a button on your keyboard/gamepad that's for jumping doesn't mean they can't jump. JRPG characters have no problem with jumping and in fact, if they wanted to they would probably jump all the time everywhere all over the place! But they don't, because that's what the players would have them do if they could! Fill in the blanks yourself, Art!

Barret gives us a most quick and rousing debriefing, well in hearing range of the Shinra-paid guard.

01_debriefing.jpg


02_debriefing2.jpg


03_debriefing3.jpg


04_beforewedothatletslevelup.jpg


Alrighty! Now, we can either just follow our people back to the hideout and progress the story - or we can go to the area to the right and fight monsters for cash and experience. That's what I didn't do because it's a serious waste of time. The monsters are not difficult, leaves behind only a tiny amount of exp and cash and perhaps a potion or even an ether if you're really lucky. But I didn't bother with that shit. Let's get the show on the road!

WE GO LEFT!!! TWICE!!!

05_intothehouse.jpg


Uh-oh, looks like AVALANCHE's getting ready to raid that bar!

Barret proceeds to kick some innocent alcoholics out on the mud and then plays a kick-ass drum solo on the chest!

06_Barretplaythedrums.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace is everything you wanted Tarzan to be when you were young: black.

Alright, alright, let's stop the racist jokes.

Before moving on, let's have a talk with this woman and see what she has to say:

07_civiliancasualties.jpg


Yeah, looks like I was right in assuming there would be civilian casualties. Oh well, I'm sure they were evil.

When we try to enter the bar, Barret stops us.

07_littlebaby.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
What the hell do you mean, Barret? You know I only have eyes for you, my big black bear!
7-barret-a2.jpg
Yeah, but you know what a bunch of cunts the women are, man. They get some shit in their sights an' they gotta have it. Fuck. Jus' gotta watch out for my man, y'know.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Trust me, Barret. You have nothing to worry about.
7-barret-a2.jpg
I'm glad ta hear that, boy. Now get inside.

And we go inside to meet the "little baby" that's been threatening Cloud and Barrets relationship as of late.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Come out, you little cunt!

08_uhidontthinkso.jpg


That's not her, Cloud!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Um, whoa, boy do I feel bad now...

And you bloody well should!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Alright, alright, don't rub it in...

09_thatswhatithought.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Oh Christ, it's hard to be your daddy's new boyfriend.

This is Marlene, Barrets daughter. She's going to give us a few headaches during the course of the game, but hey - she's a cute one, isn't she?

ff7-cloud2.jpg
I don't know...

Bitch, you're sleeping with her father!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Uh...

10_tifa.jpg


ff7-tifa2.jpg
Did the scary man scare you, darling? Well, did he?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Uh...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
He scared you, didn't he? Do you want me to scare him for you?
Final-Fantasy-Advent-Children-Marle.jpg
*sniff*
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Wanna see the big bad man scared?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Oh fuck.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Watch that language!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Nnng!

You're only making it worse, Cloud.

11_tifa.jpg


12_homoeroticchoices.jpg


FACT: While this might look like dating dialogue, it's not. So feel free.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well, I fought together with him but... ah, no, I did not fight with Barret this time. (Can't say I didn't try though.)
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Wow, you've grown up! When you were little you used to fight all the time!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Can't you let it go, please?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Not until you pay for the damages.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Nnng!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
And stop sounding like a constipated horse!

15_ohright.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Oh yeah, I have a flower sticking out of my pocket. I almost forgot about it.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Hmm... It's a rare thing. You never see them in the slums.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Really, well, I...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
I hope you didn't think about giving it to me, fool. You know I'd only wipe my pretty little girl behind with it.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
It has some thorns in it...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
All the better. Hand it over, I have a little behind that needs wiping.

19_datemechanics.jpg


Alright people, here's another one of them dating choices. Giving it to Tifa give us 5 points to her like you better-meter. Giving it to Marlene makes Barret like us 5 points more. Choices, choices.

20_yeahyeahwegiveittomarlene.jpg


Yes, like the artist I think a little bit of Tifa died just now. I'm also pretty certain that the language Marlene uses is pretty darn accurate seeing as how Barret is.

Speaking of Barret, in he walks and immediately drops into a fearsome fighting stance!

22_barretinafightingstance.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace never take any chances! Even his own, white and pure as the driven snow daughter can be Victor Charlie!

But soon, he relaxes and puts her on his shoulder.

23_fatheroftheyear.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace, father of the year and owner of the world's strongest shoulders.

24_asecretelevator.jpg


HOLY SHIT IT'S A SECRET ELEVATOR! LET'S not follow them right away! Let's have a chat with Tifa before we go to get our pay.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Do we have to?

I know you don't like each others, but we really have to.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
No, we don't! We need to get our money. Come on!

We really have to.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Give me one good reason!

We have to... for the Internet.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
The Internet.

The Internet.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
WELL, THE INTERNET CAN GO FU...
7-barret-a2.jpg
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING LANGUAGE, BOY!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
... sorry, sweetie!

Alright, so Cloud sits his ass down by the bar and...

25_datemechanics.jpg


Oh man, we get more dating dialogue!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Give me something hard!

No!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?

You just got 5 points for Tifa's date!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
What? For drinking like a man?!

Yes, but you're gay! You have to drink like a gay man! You need little umbrellas in your drinks!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
But I hate shit in my drink!

Then I guess you should be heterosexual then!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
How can you say that?!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Hey, boy, I'm still here, y'know!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Nnng!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
What'd I tell you about that?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
That I should stop doing it.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
That's right. Alright, you wanted a drink - I'll get you a drink.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
... please... no stuff in it...

27_.jpg


ff7-tifa2.jpg
You know, I AM relieved you made it back safely.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Shit, that wasn't even a difficult job.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Yeah, I guess not. I mean, you were in SOLDIER! You're elite, muthafucka, aren't you! Haha! Well, make sure you get your money from Barret.

32_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Yeah. Why?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
I don't know. You look tired. Been up too long together with your lover, have you?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
That's none of your business, you old whore.


In the next update: WE RIDE THE SECRET PINBALL MACHINE ELEVATOR!!! (and get cash and stuff also.)
 

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