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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Julio

Scholar
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
229
ITT:

gaydar.PNG
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
01_worsthideoutever.jpg


FACT: This is the worst goddamn rebel hideout I have seen in my entire goddamn fucking life as a heterosexual gay man.

7-barret-a2.jpg
Cloud, was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
None. I'm positive.
7-barret-a2.jpg
You sound pretty sure.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
If there was anyone from SOLDIER you wouldn't be standing here now.
7-barret-a2.jpg
Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes ‘cuz you was in SOLDIER.

02_shadowboxers.jpg

03_biggsthepunchingbag.jpg


7-barret-a2.jpg
Yeah, you're strong. Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are. But don't forget that your skinny ass's workin' for AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' with Shinra.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Stayin' with Shinra? You asked me a question and I answered it…that's all.

04_cloudthenegotiator.jpg


ff7-tifa2.jpg
Wait, Cloud!
7-barret-a2.jpg
Tifa, let him go! Looks like he still missed the Shinra!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Shut up!

05_ohreally.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
But don't get me wrong! I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet for that matter!

FACT: Oh, that's going to change...

06_pinball.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Ooooh, secret pinball machine elevator!!

FACT: Secret pinball machine elevators are HARDCORE.[/B]

07_YOUareaskingME.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Sorry, Tifa.

ff7-tifa2.jpg
The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
So let Barret and his buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me.

ff7-tifa2.jpg
So! You're really leaving!? You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend!?

09_datemechanic.jpg


Date mechanics! Saying "sorry" have no effect at all. Saying "how can you say that" gets us five Tifa-points and just because it feels right, it's what we're going to choose. Don't worry though, as of now the score is Barret 10, Tifa 9. We'll be getting some brown bear action alright.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
How can you say that?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
You did forget, didn't you?!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
You forgot the promise too, didn't you?

10_flashbacktime.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Oh god no, is this going to be one of those fla...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
IT'S FLASHBACK TIME BITCH!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Nnng!

Get your DeLoreans and sunglasses, folks! Let's go back in time! :cool:

thwell.jpg


ff7-tifa2.jpg
Do you remember?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Is the well important?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Bitch, I asked you a question!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Alright, alright, jeez... Yes, I remember.

11_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
I was really getting pissed off!

12_.jpg

13_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Late? Haha, you're not late at all! What a thing to say! Haha! Please sit down.

14_.jpg


ff7-tifa2.jpg
So, you said you wanted to talk about something?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Yeah... Come this spring, I'm going to leave town for Midgar.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
All boys are leaving our town. What's a pretty little girl like me do on her own? Do you know my boobs have begun to grow really, really big lately?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Yes, they're really nice.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
But they're not going to make you stay here with me?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
No.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Fuck.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well, why don't you play with the girls for a bit?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
I tried, but they're so into bondage and kinky stuff like that.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Oh, well, uh, anyway. I'm not just going to find a job in Midgar like all the other boys.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
No?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Nope!

15_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth. And Wolverine!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
The Great Sephiroth...
ff7-cloud2.jpg
And The Great Wolverine!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Right. Uh, isn't it very difficult to join SOLDIER?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
I probably won't be able to come back to the town for quite some time.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Huh?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Yeah, I'm probably going to have to kill someone with a better score than me and take their place.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Oh, that means you'll be in the papers, right?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
I'll try.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
How exciting!

16_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Huh?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Umm, if you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind, you'll came save me, all right?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?

17_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Whenever I'm like being assaulted by serial rapists you'll like come and save me.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Oh, you don't do serial rapists? Well, how about a tall, skinny madman then?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Come on, I want to at least experience that once.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
What?!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Come on, promise me!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Uh... okay. I promise.

18_.jpg


FACT: Shooting stars are really romantic and stuff.

bubbleswithfinalfantasy7.jpg


FACT: Tifa's little sister Bubbles is a fucking giant and can make herself invisible and hates people who just keeps on talking and talking!

Anyway, back to the present!

19_.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well, I remember that dress you wore. It was nice. And really low cut...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
So that's why you climbed up on that well!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Uh, well...
ff7-tifa2.jpg
I knew you cared about my boobs!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Uh yes, but Tifa, I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep the promise.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER, didn't you?
ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well...

MINDFUCK!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Yeah, I did.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
That's right. Come on! You've got to keep your promise!

All of a sudden!

20_idonthavetousetheelevator.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace - climbing is his life.

7-barret-a2.jpg
Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER! A promise is a promise! Here!!

21_AWESOME.jpg


FACT: 1500 GIL!! Oh my fucking god! This is so awesome I had to sit down, and I was already sitting down when I sat down! This was so awesome I SAT DOWN TWICE!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
This is my pay? Don't make me laugh.

Shut the hell up, Cloud. Take it with a smile, boy. We're out of this dump!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
You got the second job lined up? I'll do it for 3000.

Alright, Cloud! Now we're speaking the same language! Work that tanned polar bear, boy! He's got more dough!

7-barret-a2.jpg
3000?! You think I'm made of goddamn money, boy?!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Hey, Barret, we really need the help.

22_.jpg


FACT: Cloud Strife - hardcore, 21 year old mercenary who doesn't give a fuck about your your kids future.

23_.jpg


FACT: Marlene Wallace is going to school all right, but she's going to be bullied because of her cheap second hand gear.

23_Tifadoesntgiveafuck.jpg


FACT: Tifa Heartilly doesn't give a fuck.

The next morning we get more dating dialogue.

date.jpg


Alright, we can either say Barret snores like a motherfucker or tell Tifa she's a slut who gives it away for free. Either way, we end up having one of them like us 5 points more so SHOES!

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Barret snored like a goddamn walrus.
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Keep it down! You know how edgy he is right before a mission.
ff7-cloud2.jpg
I'm not kidding! I thought the whole building would come down! On ME!
ff7-tifa2.jpg
Hush!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
I heard the pinball machine tilt! And I know it's not even a real pinball machine! I know it can't tilt! But why did it tilt? Because Barret snores like a fucking walrus!
7-barret-a2.jpg
Hey, you sayin' somethin' 'bout my momma, white boy?!
ff7-cloud2.jpg
No, sweetie!
7-barret-a2.jpg
That's what I thought!

Alrighty then, Barret explains the next mission: we're going to blow up another reactor and this time we'll have Tifa with us. This make our current team Cloud, elite sword specialist; Barret, nigga with a gun & Tifa, pretty girl with tits and fists. How anyone could pose a threat to us now... is kind of beyond me.

Anyway, before we move on Barret wants to know how materia works.

24_-1.jpg


FACT: As far as I know and can remember, which probably makes the whole fact-thing kind of doubtful, this is the only Final Fantasy that lets you skip these fucking worthless goddamn magic tutorials.

It's not even hard. Materia is little balls of different colors that you equip on your weapons and armor so they give you special abilities, mostly magic like fire and cure and crap like that. They level up and get better and more powerful with AP. End of fucking tutorial. If you don't get it you're retarded. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. The materia system in FF7 is not difficult.

So fuck off, Barret.

FACT: Telling Barret he's a moron have no effect on the date, so feel free.

Alright...

25_ahahaha-1.jpg


This always cracked me up. Yeah, it did. I mean, Marlene is, what, six-seven? Younger? And she's left to tend to a fucking bar! Fucking hell, we saw in the previous chapter that this isn't a nice neighbourhood, man. It's awesome. Shit, I don't think she'll ever go to school. She probably knew her way around the bar when she was three, made her first white russian when she was five.

FACT: I really need to write fanfiction about Marlene.

Alright, now we're really moving on!

Not pictured: picking up one all materia and one ether from the second floor of the weapon shop. I also buy a fire materia just so that we have 'em all!


Alright, in the next update: we ride the trains for the second time and get ourselves owned spectacularly! It'll be awesome. See you later.
 

afewhours

Scholar
Joined
Dec 26, 2007
Messages
562
Location
UK
Locue said:
This always cracked me up. Yeah, it did. I mean, Marlene is, what, six-seven? Younger? And she's left to tend to a fucking bar!

"I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... etc."

And Gawd - those flashbacks were the death of me in FFVII... I know! Let's make the player care about Tifa by introducing her with ten hours of expositiory flashbacks! w00t!

Keep it up, my man.

Locue said:
FACT: I really need to write fanfiction about Marlene.

For every piece of potential fanfiction that's never written, an angel dies. We should definitely have a fanfiction forum - it can go right next to the LARPing forum and be moderated by Anne Rice.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
afewhours said:
Locue said:
This always cracked me up. Yeah, it did. I mean, Marlene is, what, six-seven? Younger? And she's left to tend to a fucking bar!

"I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... I will not use this opportunity to spout pedantry about the trade... etc."
:lol:

And Gawd - those flashbacks were the death of me in FFVII... I know! Let's make the player care about Tifa by introducing her with ten hours of expositiory flashbacks! w00t!

Keep it up, my man.

Locue said:
FACT: I really need to write fanfiction about Marlene.

For every piece of potential fanfiction that's never written, an angel dies. We should definitely have a fanfiction forum - it can go right next to the LARPing forum and be moderated by Anne Rice.
Absofuckinglutely! I'm right behind you, dude! If you know what I mean. Contact the people in charge and make it happen, wolfboy. I'm counting on you.

Lestat: Haven't you also a goddamn LP to make? I need my heroics fix!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Lestat said:
Well, the last few days were a bit busy, with all that information leaking and everything, but I think I will put an update together tomorrow.
Glad to hear it! :)
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Alright, this is one of the most boring part of this incredibly boring game and I really just want to get through it as fast as I can. Let's go!

We board the train and... oh hey, familiar face!

02_sympathies.jpg


I feel for ya, dude, but we're gonna take your train and make you piss your pants just the same.

05_theblackmanisscaryisnthe.jpg

06_sympathies.jpg

07_sympathy.jpg


FACT: All women behave exactly like your mom.

08_barretwallacerhytmmaster.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace - rhythm is his life.

09_jumpingishislife.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace - jumping is his life.

10_again.jpg


Again?! Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! What's with all the manly women in this game? Why do they all want me to look at monitors and shit with them?

On the way, we talk to the Shinra Manager and quickly lose all sympathy for him.

11_nomoresympathy.jpg


You damn asshole.

Oh well, let's go have a look at that monitor.

12_doyouremember.jpg


Sure we have. Oh well, I suppose we better just relax then.

SUDDENLY!

13_OHREALLY.jpg


You don't say?

14_takeitawaymaestro.jpg


Take it away, Maestro!

FACT: I'm not even trying.

15_uhohhowwilltheygetoutofthisonefi.jpg


YES WHAT'S HAPPENING!?

16_noREALLY.jpg


NO WAY?!

17_chores.jpg


Oh well, time for a running sequence. You get a thirty second time limit and have to run from wagon to wagon, otherwise you have to jump out and skip the entire running sequence. So hey, guess what we did? The only drawback is a minus 2 on BOTH Tifa and Barrets dating score, which really isn't much of a drawback. In fact, it's nothing! Anyway, I'll show you the proper way as well but if you don't want to see it - just scroll your fat eye down to the tunnel we land in a couple of text bricks down.

19_hatehatehate.jpg


Alright, Jessie comes to greet us in this wagon. This is the only wagon were things actually happen during this tiresome sequence.

First Jessie knocks out an old man she caught touching her butt. Ouch.

20_jessiesureisviolent.jpg

21_goddamnitjessie.jpg


Then we have a mugger who'll slowly walk to us, grab a potion or other minor item and try to escape.

22_punkrockmugger.jpg


If you want the item back you're going to have run back to him and answer "that's right" which is the second dialogue option. The easiest way is to let the "unidentified passengers" box stay until he's right at you, see if he steals something from you and turn around and say "why hello there thats right gimme my item fool" oh my god I hate this shit.

23_punkrockmugger.jpg


I'M A GODDAMN JOURNALIST-IN-THE-MAKING!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS!!

FACT: I'm going to be a lot happier when this chapter is done.

Anyway, we finally get to the last wagon were the retard squad Biggs, Wedge and Jessie are holding up. They're all dressed up for some reason.

24_whatthefuck.jpg


The plan is now to dive out. Believe me, I can't wait!

26_barretdivingishislife.jpg


FACT: Barret Wallace - diving is his... oh fuck it, just jump, I mean DIVE, motherfucker.

You too, bitch!

28_shescrazy2.jpg


The fuck?

30_ihaveuseforit.jpg


7-barret-a2.jpg
I've no use for a battered and bruised ass, y'know.

Alright, so Barret leave the retard squad in charge of cleaning up and we end up in this tunnel, FUCKING FINALLY!!

32_noitisnt.jpg


SHUT THE FUCK UP, BARRET, YOU GODDAMN RETARD! NOTHING WENT EXACTLY AS YOU PLANNED!

Alright, see you tomorrow. Expect a more happy-happy-go-go feel to it when WE RAID THE EXACT SAME GODDAMN REACTOR AS IN THE FIRST MISSION ONLY BACKWARDS THIS TIME!!! It should be fun. See you later.
 

Sovy Kurosei

Erudite
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
1,535
That last screenshot is the first time I saw Barret speak without his ebonics speech impediment, Locue.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sovy Kurosei said:
That last screenshot is the first time I saw Barret speak without his ebonics speech impediment, Locue.
I think it's safe to assume that Barret can actually speak english like all the other white characters in the game, but just chooses not to because he's like the only black character. Or something. I dunno.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Alright, so the previous update was boring. Well, get ready for more boredom as we embark on yet another bombing mission. Are you ready? I know I am. :cool:

33_convenient.jpg


Well, that's convenient. Following the path leads us to... a dead end? Oh no!

34_ohnoes.jpg


Oh yeah, we can't go any further. Oh well, I suppose we better head on back and oh hey what's that on the side? A ventilaton shaft? Let's examine it!

35_defineus.jpg


Ventilation duct, whatever. It's a way in! Alright, this leads to a linear path with some items to get.

36_notsurprised.jpg


Yes, yes, turns out Jessie is the one to blame for the little mishap. Well, we forgive her because we're cool like that. It worked out alright anyway.

Moving on, we bump into Biggs.

37_willwe.jpg


Pull out. *giggle*

38_thatswhatyoucallitthesedays.jpg


Blow the reactor. *haw haw*

Alright... Oh hey, it's a toxic playground! Wheeee!

39_wheee.jpg


Okay, I didn't bother taking shots of the way here because its the exact same scenes as in the first update where Jessie gets stuck and jumps over you and stuff. Exactly the same ladders and all that. Anyway, we come out...

40_justlikethefirstmission.jpg


... here. Yeah, looks familiar, huh? Well, let's just get this over with and maybe we'll get to see some new areas.

Uh-oh!

41_OHNO.jpg


Yeah, just like it says: we get more mindfuck! This one leads to a... kind of interesting flashback scene with Cloud, Tifa and Tifa's father who's... oh my...

42_huh.jpg


Oh my, he looks kind of dead to me. I wonder who could have...

ff7-cloud2.jpg
Well, to be fair, I did warn her.

No, you didn't.

ff7-cloud2.jpg
...

What?

ff7-cloud2.jpg
... I still think I warned her.

43_bitchiwarnedyou.jpg


ff7-cloud2.jpg
That means I'm innocent!

Oh. Well, jeez, Tifa, way to spoil everything. Nice hat, by the way.

44_heyheyhey.jpg


:lol: I'm sorry, people, but this is really just fucking :lol:

Aaaand the flashback ends with Tifa grabbing that sword and running after her daddy's killer.

Back in not-lalaland, Barret is wondering what the fuck is up with Cloud. Take it away, Barret, my man.

45_barretwallacenononsense.jpg


Exactly, what the fuck is wrong with Cloud? Well, he doesn't seem to know much himself and I suppose that's fair enough.

46_thankyou.jpg


Alright, so we set the bomb and... huh?

47_notimerthatsweird.jpg


No timer? What kind of lousy fucking bomb is this? Oh well, I guess it'll work out alright. Let's get out of here.

Up the stairs and into the elevator...

48_upupup.jpg


... and rhythm puzzles...

49_RHYTMPUZZLE.jpg


... eventually leads us to this rather obvious trap.

50_uhhuh.jpg


My bad: This very rather obvious trap.

51_whothehelldidntseethiscoming.jpg


You sound surprised, Barret. Cloud doesn't. Seriously, who didn't see that one coming?

52_takeitawaycloud.jpg


NO WAY?!

FACT: Cloud Strife, elite mercenary who knows a trap when he's fallen for it.

Alright, hey, we got company. Nice company, I mean. It's the President!

53_youguysarebuddies.jpg


The President of the United States of Shinra. The man who makes shit happen. The cause of this whole incident.

54_bosombuddies.jpg


Yup, that's Cloud, alright. I think. MINDFU..! No, actually not this time. Or..?! Ah whatever.

Alright, so the conversation turns into Sephiroth-territory when they talk about Cloud... What does that mean?

55_barretmanofaction.jpg


Shut up, Barret. We're having a conversation here.

56_sigh.jpg


What?

Oh great.

57_uhhuh.jpg



Yeah, while the President flies away in his micro machines-helicopter, we get to play with the second boss of the game. Meet Airbuster. Like Cloud and the President is happy to inform, he's this kind of technosoldier that's... ah, whatever. Barret? Whaddayasay?

58_yup.jpg


Damn right.

59_airbusterboss.jpg


Alright, so this boss battle is probably even EASIER than the first one. You have an enormous advantage, having Cloud on one side and the other two on the other. This is the only time you're going to be side-attacking a boss so enjoy it. Time your attacks and attack him from behind, especially with lightning bolts and limit breaks, of course, and you can do a heck of a lot of damage to him. Either way, you shouldn't have any trouble with him. Send him back to the junkyard.

60_ohno.jpg


Whoa! I didn't say you had to join him, Cloud! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Alright, so the damn thing exploded and took out the whole bridge. Cloud is hanging on best he can. It's time for more dating dialogue.

61_dating.jpg


Being strong makes Barret like you better. Being a wimp makes Barret like you less but makes Tifa like you a lot. Of course I have Cloud act strong. I mean, what the fuck? Oh no, I don't know if I can... Hey, shut up you fucking pussy.

62_becauseitsnot.jpg


Hell yeah, Cloud! You're a regular fucking Vin Diesel.

63_alongfall.jpg


Well, that's that. Rest in peace, Cloud. It's been a great time writing this LP. I've had my ups and downs but I'm sure...

64_MINDFUCK.jpg


Huh?


In the next update: MINDFUCKERY!

In the next next update: let's meet Aeris the flower girl and Aeris the flower girl's mother!
 

dragonfk

Erudite
Joined
Jun 19, 2007
Messages
2,487
You should have left the update with falling Cloud. Classical suspens.
 

Texas Red

Whiner
Joined
Sep 9, 2006
Messages
7,044
If this is the best the JRPG land has to offer then damn... PS:T or any other lesser RPG is miles ahead of this FF 7 in any conceivable aspect. Even in the graphics department the IE engine can beat modern 3D games while these graphics cause blindness.
 

Jasede

Arcane
Patron
Sad Loser
Joined
Jan 4, 2005
Messages
23,653
FF 9, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger are great, remain quiet about things you know little about.

It's not the guy's fault he has to play the worst Final Fantasy there is. Hm, wait, 10 is worse. And 2 (jap). And 10-2.
 

Lemunde

Scholar
Joined
Jan 16, 2006
Messages
322
They should have used a count-up timer instead. It goes from one to explode! I swear if I ever decide to bomb a place I'm gonna use a nice, bright, count-up timer just to see the look on the face of whoever has to defuse it.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
kingcomrade said:
If you guys don't think there isn't already Marlene loli porn I envy you your innocence.
Envy my big fat hairy cock, post it, motherfucker. I dare you. I doubledare you.

Hide it behind links, please. :oops:
 

Relayer71

Scholar
Joined
Dec 23, 2006
Messages
538
Location
NYC
The Walkin' Dude said:
If this is the best the JRPG land has to offer then damn... PS:T or any other lesser RPG is miles ahead of this FF 7 in any conceivable aspect. Even in the graphics department the IE engine can beat modern 3D games while these graphics cause blindness.

You can't compare PC RPGs to Console RPGs, they're different beasts and you play them for different experiences.

I love The Godfather, 8 1/2, Doctor Strangleove, Citizen Kane, Ran and Laurence
Olivier's Hamlet but I also enjoyed Terminator 3, Airplane!, Nacho Libre, Army Of Darkness and Pulp Fiction - films of lesser quality/aspiration (arguably of course :) ).

But you really can't complare PS:T to ANYTHING as it really is in a league all its own when it comes to script, story and roleplaying.

And so I love PS:T but still consider FF9, Icewind Dale and Dragon Warrior 8 as some of my faves as well.

And I agree with Jasede - FF7 isn't exactly the high point in terms of gameplay or writing.

Final Fantasy XII is excellently written (and has great voice acting) and as for the earlier FFs, FF9 and FF4 are a hell of a lot more enjoyable than FF7 or FF8.

That being said I did enjoy FF7 at the time since it was VERY different from everything else out there in terms of presentation. As laughable as the images here look, at the time they were unbelievable.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Update time.

When we last left off, Cloud fell to the unforgiving ground and a very certain death, because we all know that there's no chance of surviving something like that. You simply cannot fall down any number of kilometers and expect to survive. Maybe for a little while, but even then you'd probably die almost right off the bat because of the larger than life bruises inflicted upon your behind.

So even though I was sure there had been something after the fall all the time I had played the game, I was definitely expecting to wrap this LP up.

That's when something weird happened!

64_MINDFUCK.jpg


MINDFUCKERY!

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Say hello to the second voice in Cloud's head. Get attached to it because Cloud's going to, whether he wants to or not. Let's all be supportive of Cloud's mindfuckery.

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Well, that sounds like a good idea. This voice is fantastic. It doesn't tell Cloud to grab his big ass sword and kill people at the post office, it just wants him to get up! We need more voices in our heads that are like that. Let's give it a try.

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Look, Cloud, just shut up and get up! I promise we'll go visit your therapist directly afterward! I promise. For now though, let's make sure you didn't lose your legs in Sector 2 and your arms in Sector 8 and your dick in... yeah, just get up!

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Exactly!

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Excellent!

Whoa!

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Looks like we have more company. I'd be worried about this, because it says "it" moved? We're a "it"? We can't be recognized as a "he" anymore? Did we get transformed into some fucking Stephen King-clown?! Okay, now I'm worried. Is it the movie version or the book version? Have we become Tim Curry? ANSWER US!

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Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Man, this second voice is smart.

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Shut up, third voice! Second voice and Cloud're trying to talk here! You can listen with me!

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Well, the second voice ain't telling. That damn third voice must have scared it away. Damn.

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Oh well, let's open our eyes and see what kind of moron this third voice is, and more importantly exactly what's wrong with us that we've become an "it".

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Yes, yes, the show's not done just yet. Cloud seems to have survived the huge pancake-flattening fall to the ground by crashing through a church--the roof apparently breaking his fall--and landing his fragile pointy ass on a bunch of flowers. Yeah... Quick! Someone call the Mythbusters!

At least we look alright. What a relief.

The third voice--who's apparently that flower pimp girl we ran into way back when--is just a goddamn moron plagued by bad translation. Man, I feel so much better now!

In the next update: we push barrels and meet mommies.
 

Elhoim

Iron Tower Studio
Developer
Joined
Oct 27, 2006
Messages
2,817
Location
San Isidro, Argentina
I like when they are going to jump out of the train, Barret jumps first, then Tifa engages Cloud in a long speech ("I want to tell you something, but no, forget about it" shit) while the train goes on for a while, and yet they manage to fall near Barret :P
 

Suicidal

Arcane
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
1,914
Location
Worstest cuntry EU
Maybe he ran alongside the train waiting for the 2 morons to jump out, he is a man of action, after all...
 
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