Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

[GarfunkeL]

Can't wait!

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Ass-fucking transcends all opposites, all conflicts -- positive and negative, good and bad, high and low, shallow and deep, pleasure and pain, love and death and unifies them and renders all of them as one. Butt-fucking offers a spiritual resolution -- a path to God.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Congrats man!

To be honest it's nothing short of a fuckin' miracle that this has been carried so far, but it's a joyride all the way

Hurray Aeris dies!

I can't believe it either.

Btw, I hope everyone realizes that they WILL cry because of this update. I'm pouring my soul and my every everything in it. Update 45 - Aeris dies is easily my finest work. I didn't even need a drink to write it.

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

So where is the most important FF7 update ever?

[Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth]Good news, everyone![/Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth]

I just recently took screenshots of Sephiroth's sword coming out of Aeris' stomach. The appropriate update will soon be posted. Just give me a day to get rid of all this unhealthy euphoria I'm feeling right now, because

I'm fucking done!

Maybe it is the Japanese and they have a thing for Kaiju but that is one huge Cait Sith.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Lots of screenshots with next to no commentary can only mean one thing!

Chapter 45 - Aeris dies!!


Yeah so Cloud is talked out of having a nervous breakdown and decides to go with Barret and Tifa and save Aeris.

I fucking hate you, Barret.

I fucking love you, Barret.

Alright, shit, let's pull up the map and see where we're going next.

That's probably the worst fanmade map I've ever seen, but I think we need to head to Bone Village.

What?

Muthafucka muthafucka, Bone Town.

Yeah, that makes sense. If only just because it's the only place we haven't been to yet.

I'm scared and I don't know myself and I think I'm crazy and...

Shut up, whitey. Let's go to Bone Town!

We take the fantastic boatplane over to the northern continent!

Welcome to Bone Town. It's actually just a dig site with nothing but hot archeologists running around. Aeris told us we need The Lunar Harp to wake up The Sleeping Forest so we can get to The Promised Land so let's ask them to dig it up for us. It'll cost you a double extra cheese bacon whopper of 100 gil so MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE MONEY!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meh.

Once you have it, head into The Sleeping Forest and wake that bitch up.

Don't forget the Kjata summon materia. Move the fuck on.

Get the water ring and move the fuck on.

Admire the view and move the fuck on.

Welcome to Shell Town. I don't actually know what it's called but that's what the map calls it and it's not like it's any worse than all the other names. Anyhoo, first walk to the left and enter the house and pick up the loot. Then continue on the path and pick up a great armlet. Then walk back to the intersection and walk to the right and enter the houses there and pick up the loot in those houses.

In the second house, your dominant party member (Barret in my case, hur hur hur) will find a bed and suggest that it's time for a nap.

Yay!

Do you want to trigger Aeris' death sequence? Oh God Yes!

In the middle of the night, Cloud is SUDDENLY woken up by SOMETHING STRANGE! SOMEONE IS SINGING!

OH SHIT!!

No time to waste! Get a move on, you cunts! Aeris' vocal chords are in trouble!

Head back to the intersection.

Nice set of lungs on that girl.

Now tell me if this doesn't look like the most beautiful final resting place ever? Enter the shell house, pick up the muthafuckin' Comet materia and...

... run down the stairs.

EPIC

MORE EPIC.

Last chance to, legally, save your game. Experience your happy memories over and over again!

Look, it's Aeris!

Cloud tells Tifa and Barret to stay since he's so cool. He can handle anything. OR CAN HE??!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!!!!!!!!!?????

SAVESTATE SAVESTATE SAVESTATE SAVESTATE!!

(This is it, folks.)

BLOWJOB BLOWJOB BLOWJOB BLOWJOB!!

(Click the action button.)

GURO GURO GURO GURO GURO GURO GURO!!

(I’ve no idea.)

Yeah, so Cloud pulls his sword outta his ass and we can walk around with it and feel manly and shit but what we really want to do is stand in front of Aeris and click the action button. Looks like he's snapped again. You ready with your cannon, Barret? Keep it pointed at Cloud just in case he, I dunno, fucking murders Aeris or something.

Oh Cloud, what the fuck are you doing, you wacky wackster?

Cloud? What the fuck, dude! This isn't funny!

CLOUD!! NO! DON'T DO IT, CLOUD!!

Yeah, I guess it's not as obvious as one might think.

Anyway, FMV COMMENTARY TIME ARE GO!!

Here we see Aeris praying.

Here we see Cloud watching her.

Here we see Aeris looking up at Cloud.

Here we see Aeris looking up at the OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

IT'S SEPHIROTH AND HIS NEEDLE DICK LONGSWORD!!

FACT: Sephiroth is, like, really cool.

Another FACT: From now on, this is everyone's desktop wallpaper picture thing.

OH NO!

OH NO!!

OH NO!!!

FAAAAAAAABULOUS!!!!

"Bitch, let go of my sword!"

Alright, grab a pillow or a really fluffy boob to cry on. This is like really sad. Andyman shutting up now. I’ll see you in a few.

FUCKING FINALLY HE DECIDES TO GROW SOME BALLS!

(…for this exclusive moment only, unfortunately.)

The cycle of nature and your stupid plan don't mean a thing. Aeris is gone. Aeris will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry...... or get angry...... What about us...... what are WE supposed to do? What about my pain?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight………

My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning!

What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings too?

Of course! Who do you think I am!?

Ha, ha, ha...... Stop acting as if you were sad. There's no need to act as though you're angry either.

TEAM SEPHIROTH BLASTING OFF AGAIN!

Alright, you fight another chunk of Jenova crawling out of Seph’s pants. It looks like this:

Kick Jenovas ass. I believe in you, young Jenova asskicking padawan dude.

That’s, uh, what she said..?

…goddammit…

FISSION MAILED!

I’m sorry I called you a whore for no reason other than “4 teh lulz.”

Alright, time to cry again. Let’s drop Aeris into the water and see if she floats. Shutting up now.

ONE LESS, GOD BLESS!

Do we have to?

We know that already, you stupid piece of shit.

Uh…huh…

Excellent question, Tifa!

Really?

Yes. For once.

Alright, Cloud, finish your stupid monologue while I go out to buy cigarettes.

I came here by my own free will... Or so I thought. However......To tell the truth, I'm afraid of myself. ...There is a part of me that I don't understand. That part that made me give the Black Materia to Sephiroth. If you hadn't stopped me, Aerith might have been......There's something inside of me. Something that is not really me. That's why I should quit this journey. Before I do something terrible.

WELL THANK YOU FOR THAT, YOU STUPID MOTHERFU…

However!

“However?!” What “however”?!! There is no “however” here! You cannot POSSIBLY fit a “however” into this shit! It cannot be done! I dare you, you fucking anime character!

But I am going. He destroyed my hometown five years ago, killed Aeris, and is now trying to destroy the Planet. I'll never forgive... Sephiroth. I... I must go on.

Folks, we have just read something entirely pointless.

... I have a favor to ask of you.

“Will you please kill me?”

Will you all come with me?

WHAT THE FUCK?!!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS GAME! THE STORY IS TOO FUCKING STUPID TO UNDERSTAND! I HAVE READ THE WORKS OF A DOZEN DEAD FRENCHMEN! I UNDERSTAND THEIR THOUGHTS! I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE THINK IS SO GREAT ABOUT FINAL FANTASY 7! IT’S SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! SHIT WITH EXTRA DIP!

...to save me from doing something terrible.

Oh go fuck yourself, Cloud…

And you go fuck yourself too!

And with that, we’re fucking finally finished!

…with Disc 1.


Stay tuned for Disc 2, folks!

(Or, I dunno, get a life or something.)

 

[Gragt]

Beautiful!

 

[asper]

Tear-inducing tenderness...

 

[ghostdog]

chocobo breeding ahead !

 

[Talonfire]

Is it wrong that I laughed maniacally when Aeris died?

 

[RK47]

...you addded extra text for drama. i hate u

 

[MetalCraze]

ONE LESS, GOD BLESS!

lol

 

[DefJam101]

OH NO!
OH NO!!
OH NO!!!
FAAAAAAAABULOUS!!!!

 

[Suicidal]

Sephiroth looks so saaaaaaaad

 

[Brother None]

I totally cried

Tears of joy

 

[Imbecile]

Sephiroth looks so saaaaaaaad

Is he wearing a tie?

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Sephiroth looks so saaaaaaaad

Is he wearing a tie?

Isn't it some weird gay-S&M string corset dress cleavege thing?

 

[Dire Roach]

Those were the FMVs that changed the course of RPG history... forever.

 

[Radisshu]

good update.

 

[BloodyPuppy]

How could this shit make someone cry? Seriously, do gamers just have some sort of attraction to completely shallow characters who lack even the smallest semblance of death (Fun Fact: Most gamers also lack depth)? Is it the fact that it was a nice shiny cutscene (Probably)? Do gamers just get teary eyed at the idea of an effeminate white-haired swordsman killing off a pretty/poorly rendered damsel in distress (Yes)?

Also, finally a fucking update. And what a glorious update it was.

 

[Tigranes]

I remember this scene when I was 10. I remember thinking it was cool that they'd kill off a playable character (had never seen it done before), and that it was quite well presented (which I still think it is, in terms of presentation in a narrow, immediate sense).

Cant' think why anyone would cry over it or call it super-awesome though.

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

Aeris death didn't bother me because I thought that Cloud and friends would ressurect Aeris later on in the story like what usually happens in games and after school specials.

 

[MetalCraze]

Except in the end the ghost of Aeris comes to Cloud's aid.
In a very emo way. Damn it bitch can't even die absolutely.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Fun Fact: Most gamers also lack depth

I think you should add them being utterly delusional there too. Since you know that massive chunks of insanity that are fan-made Plot Guides to FF7...

 

[BloodyPuppy]

Fun Fact: Most gamers also lack depth

I think you should add them being utterly delusional there too. Since you know that massive chunks of insanity that are fan-made Plot Guides to FF7...

Oh man, reading fan made plot guides of most games are a fucking riot. Haven't looked at any for FF7, but if they're as good as some of the others I might just have to take a look.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Fun Fact: Most gamers also lack depth

I think you should add them being utterly delusional there too. Since you know that massive chunks of insanity that are fan-made Plot Guides to FF7...

Oh man, reading fan made plot guides of most games are a fucking riot. Haven't looked at any for FF7, but if they're as good as some of the others I might just have to take a look.

What was the biggest and most hilarious one in length again? 300 and something pages?