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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Alright, folks, we could get more plot hammered down our throat like a skullfucking out of this world but that would be extraordinarily painful. I firmly believe I can sum it all up quicker than all of you can release a fresh fart. Let's go.

WHAT IS ''WEAPON''?

gast.png
What is ''Weapon'', Aeris' mom?

ifalna.png
A ''Weapon'' is a huge mechwarrior transformer pokemon motherfucker manufactured by The Planet to fight Jenova or just about anything.

gast.png
Of course it is.

-END

cloudstrife.jpg
Fascinating. Next video please.


CONFIDENTIAL!! Part 1

Yada fucking yada daughter Aeris is good daughter Aeris etc.

CONFIDENTIAL!! Part 2

Yada fucking yada daughter Aeris is good daughter Aeris etc when suddenly Shinra soldiers led by Professor Hojo storms inside and kidnaps the shit out of Aeris mom and Aeris. Aeris' father gets much sad and gets even mucher deader. Hojo laughs evilly because he is evil and commands evil shinra soldier to destroy camera but leave recording intact so as to preserve his evilness for the coming generations.

cloudstrife.jpg
What a dick. Alright, next video!
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That was the last one.
cloudstrife.jpg
Good. Then let's get the fuck out of here. We have a mountain to snowb.. ride down and I just simply cannot wait!

BUT SUDDENLY!!

cloudstrife.jpg
Fuck!

ON THE WAY TO THE LOCAL SNOWBOARDING MINIGAME!

0018_WHOCANITBENOWWHOOOOOOOCANITBEE.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Oh shit, it's Elena of the Turks!
tifalockhart.jpg
Elena of the Turks?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah, it's Elena of the Turks!
tifalockhart.jpg
Elena of the Turks? Really?
cloudstrife.jpg
Yes, like I said, it's Elena of the Turks!
cidhighwind.jpg
"#¤%&!!!
cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah...
cidhighwind.jpg
What a motherfuckingly swinehumping disappointment! I'm off to build a snowman.
cloudstrife.jpg
You get the fuck back here, Cid Highwind!
cidhighwind.jpg
But it's Elena of the Turks for christ's sake!
elena.jpg
Hey! Take me seriously!
cidhighwind.jpg
Whoa there, blondie! I never thought you'd "#¤%&!! ask!
cloudstrife.jpg
Hold it in, Cid. She didn't mean it like that.
cidhighwind.jpg
*sigh* They never "#¤%&! do...

0019_okay.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Okay.
elena.jpg
You hurt Tseng!
cloudstrife.jpg
No, it wasn't us. It was Sephiroth.
elena.jpg
I don't believe you.
cloudstrife.jpg
Okay.

0020_EWAEMOS.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Okay.

0021_okay.jpg


0022_okay.jpg

0023_okay.jpg

0024_okay.jpg


And away she goes.

cloudstrife.jpg
Okay.

0025_yeah.jpg


Alright, now finally with that annoying piece of shit out of the way, go grab the snowboard from the kid and the map from the climbing master fuckshit house (if you haven't already) as you won't be allowed to even go near the mountain without those items. Also take note that you cannot leave the town because of the wall of Shinra soldiers.

Anyfuckingway, time to snowboard the fuck down a mountain!

0026_nogodno.jpg


But first I am going to hit myself in the head with a hammer until I see the word tutorial flying around my head. Snowboarding a'la FF7: press up to gain speed, press left and right to move left and right, and press the Whatever button to do a useless jump. Have fun.

0027_thanks.jpg


Fuck you. And fuck this.

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Fucking Cloud on a fucking snowboard trying to look tough.

HEY KIDS! IT'S THE SNOWBOARD MINIGAME!

Alright, here's the deal: You can either put your enormous Battletoads hyper tunnel racing experience to some use and ride your Final Fantasy fagboard down the icy slopes and dodge strategically placed snowmen and trees left and right and collect balloons for useless prizes like you're supposed to do... or you can just do what I did and say "fuck this shit" and crash the whole fucking way down!

For fun and giggles, let's put the screenshot hotkey to extreme use and see how many times I actually crash. I wish I could say that the following screenshots were all intentional funnies but I'm honestly the suckiest player ever at racing games. AND I'M FUCKING PROUD OF IT!! LET'S GO, BITCH!!

CRASH1.jpg


CRASH2.jpg


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Yes, starring the tree from "straight fucking ahead of Crash #3". Goddamn...

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Note to self: no matter how fast you get, NEVER try collecting the fucking balloons...

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The fucking trees are out to get me!

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FUCKING TREES!!!!

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FUCKING WALLS!!

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Those things are ALIVE!!

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Alright, fuck the trees, fuck the snow, fuck the walls, fuck the fucking balloons, fuck everything. These living snow chicken statues are now my greatest foes. FUCK THEM!!

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thank the holy lord Andhaira that my survival instincts finally kicked in!

Don't you mean your 'homosexual fag coward instincts'?

Get the fuck out of here, other me! I evaded that giant snow chicken simply because I am a human being keen on making a living - literally! Also I'm actually really good at avoiding shit.

Whatever. Do we have any alcohol?

Check the medicine cabinet.

CRASH18_ROLLINGSNOWBOULDERSTHATINOC.jpg


I totally no-clip through these boulders!

Except for that one time when you--

Drink your disinfectant and be quiet before I OH SHIT!!!

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Look what you made me do!!

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OH GOD WHEN WILL THIS SHIT---

CRASH21.jpg


...end?

Holy shit...

I made it! I actually made it!

Good job, Cloud! Tifa! Cid! Excellent work! That's the kind of shit I want to see from you guys!

CRASH22.jpg


Damn right you all are! Now let's brave the incredible cold and find a mountain to climb!

cidhighwind.jpg
WHAT?!! No fucking way, you fucking syphilis psycho-sphinx!!

Excuse me?

CRASH23.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
I'm thirty years old! In this game that's like a hundred years old! I should stay at home and watch tv and beat my fucking wi-- I mean, my assistant!

There'll be free women and loose beer at the top!

cidhighwind.jpg
Oh great! Well let's go then! I can't wait to run around in a freezingly freezing ice labyrinth in search for a icingly icy mountain to climb up just for a chance at women and alcohol!

...so is that a yes?

cidhighwind.jpg
That's a fucking no, you cumguzzling elephant-humping Harvest Moon cosplayer!

Ouch. Alright, we'll take a break...

cidhighwind.jpg
RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MIDDLE OF THE MOST BRAIN TUMOR KILLING ICE STORM EVER!!!

Exactly!

To be continued!

cidhighwind.jpg
You dumb motherfucker.
 

Fat Dragon

Arbiter
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
3,499
Location
local brothel
I always thought Fort Condor was the most boring part in the entire game. I guess that was because the mountain is so fucking boring that any memory of it was wiped from my mind completely.
 

Sckarecrow92

Educated
Joined
Apr 15, 2009
Messages
286
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qnyxd7Vq0Q


....look for a comment made by "Diabaloth".....

"this scene ripped my heart out i just imagined it as if losing MY gf so it helps players sorta understand what sorta pain is like to lose sum1 u love and care for which ff7 done better tahn any other game in history period it made you care about their actions, their lives, their losses, etc because it goes so deep into theyre character that u feel like they are real and u relate to them saddest scene ever they shouldve brought aerith bk in advent children"

:(
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
poocolator said:
A fucking snowboarding minigame? Seriously?
They've even made a separate snowboarding game and sold it to the fanboys.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Sckarecrow92 said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qnyxd7Vq0Q


....look for a comment made by "Diabaloth".....

"this scene ripped my heart out i just imagined it as if losing MY gf so it helps players sorta understand what sorta pain is like to lose sum1 u love and care for which ff7 done better tahn any other game in history period it made you care about their actions, their lives, their losses, etc because it goes so deep into theyre character that u feel like they are real and u relate to them saddest scene ever they shouldve brought aerith bk in advent children"

:(
:shock:
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sckarecrow92 said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qnyxd7Vq0Q


....look for a comment made by "Diabaloth".....

"this scene ripped my heart out i just imagined it as if losing MY gf so it helps players sorta understand what sorta pain is like to lose sum1 u love and care for which ff7 done better tahn any other game in history period it made you care about their actions, their lives, their losses, etc because it goes so deep into theyre character that u feel like they are real and u relate to them saddest scene ever they shouldve brought aerith bk in advent children"

:(
I feel the same way. I can relate to every one of these characters, except for Barret since he's black. They should have made him white in Advent Children.
 

Dire Roach

Prophet
Joined
Feb 28, 2007
Messages
1,592
Location
Machete-Knight Academy
this game finally teach gamer how to smile, how to laugh, how to be strong, and most importantly, how to cry.
In the real world things are different. You just need to look around you. Nobody wants to die that way. Death comes suddenly and there is no notion of good or bad. It leaves, not a dramatic feeling but great emptiness. When you lose someone you loved very much you feel this big empty space and think, 'If I had known this was coming I would have done things differently.' These is how players should feel during the game. Feelings of reality and not Hollywood.
aeris looks so peacefully why codnt it be me that was gonna die? why? why?
Oh, and I tell you something ironic: When I first got this game I Renamed the characters, I gave Cloud my name and the other were my after my friends. Aeris was named after my girlfriend at the time. In my save Aeris ironically died a day after the break up...
I heard u can bring areis back using a gameshark. but that would be lame.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Sckarecrow92 said:
if you click on the link, you can see what happens if you suggest using a phoenix down on her.
If I go there I guarantee someone will have to attack me to cure my sleep status.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Alright, let's go grab that Alexander summon materia and never return to this place again. It's gonna be awesome. Let's do it. With enthusiasm this time! Let's do it!! Yay!!

Fuck.

Alright, here's the plan: We're only going to pick up the Alex Sum Mat, nothing else. In order to get the Alex Sum Mat we're going to have to find a hotspring, touch it and navigate to a cave through a blisteringly freezingly cold icestorm that will spin the camera around like a record baby in an attempt to piss us off. When we get to the cave that holds the Alex Sum Mat, we're gonna gangrape a snow fairy and steal her circlet. Then we're gonna go all the way back to the blisteringly freezingly cold icestorm, scream as loud as we (read as "I") can when the camera starts moving and we accidently exits the screen to the wrong place instead of the right place where we want to go and when we go get to where we want to go, we (again, read as "I") are going to scream some more because in this game "where we want to go" is another fucking minigame. Let's fucking go.

Thankfully, due to my careful planning, we landed at the most ideal place for hot Alex Sum Mat getting action. (When snowboarding, first take a right and then a left.)

CRASH21.jpg


You said it, Cloud. From here we go east.

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From here we go west. (The upper exit.)

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From here we fight the urge to burn our genitals in scalding hot water. We go north.

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Say hello to the snow field. From here, we're going to have to go east. Watch the spinning action on the camera, though. It's not difficult. Use the markers if you have trouble.

IHATESNOW04.jpg


If all goes well, you have just ended up outside A CAVE!!

ENTER IT!!

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Say hello to Snow, the High Snow Fairy of the most Snowacious Snow Kingdom in the entire Snow Dimension - currently in exile because she happened to be too fucking hot. She gets extremely pissed when you try to grope her with your hotspring-tempered hands.

ILOVESNOW06.jpg


After the fight she'll go where snow fairies go when they are be beaten to a pulp. She drops the Alex Sum Mat as well as a Ice Crystal. Alright! Back to the snow field and head NORTH!

If everything works out, and it should, you fucking fuckhead of a thousand fuckwits, you should end up outside a cabin which you should fucking enter, you headfuck of a fuckwitting househands. I fucking hate this shit.

Inside the cabin, meet Holzoff the master mountain climber who has lived here alone for twenty years.

07_ofcourseyouhave.jpg


He's so excited that someone finally has come to visit him that he immediately does everything to scare us away. For starters he wants us to listen to a story. Basically he tells us that there's a legend that something fell from the sky and created the mountain. Then he and his friend decided they should climb up and his friend commited suicide because a mountain goat raped him with an icecream cone or something, I dunno. It's times like these that I just repeatedly press the action button until something action-y happens.

What it all boils down to, though, is this:

08_fuckyou.jpg


So fuck that guy.

At least he has the decency to let us rest for a while before he sends us packing up a mountain.

Head outside and you'll notice that all your friends have gathered. Yay!

09_shutup.jpg


Barret wants to tell you shit that nature is awesome and terrifying at the same time and that he'd like to save nature from itself and also that Shinra doesn't seem so bad in comparison OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. I honestly didn't give a fuck.

FACT: When characters start talking, I black out. Violently.

To be continued.


IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF PLAY SEVEN LETS FANTASY FINAL WE CLIMB A FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T MISS THAT EXCITING CLIMBMOUNTAINING ACTION, FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FACT: You can never find a cyanide capsule when you really need one.
 

ghostdog

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
10,816
Andyman you are the martyr of codex, climb that mountain for your people!
 
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