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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Lim-Lim Liturgist

    Lim-Lim
    Joined:
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    325
    Location:
    Hive's marketplace
    Team Gizka FTW!
     
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  2. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Alright, folks, we could get more plot hammered down our throat like a skullfucking out of this world but that would be extraordinarily painful. I firmly believe I can sum it all up quicker than all of you can release a fresh fart. Let's go.

    WHAT IS ''WEAPON''?

    [​IMG] What is ''Weapon'', Aeris' mom?

    [​IMG] A ''Weapon'' is a huge mechwarrior transformer pokemon motherfucker manufactured by The Planet to fight Jenova or just about anything.

    [​IMG] Of course it is.

    -END

    [​IMG]Fascinating. Next video please.


    CONFIDENTIAL!! Part 1

    Yada fucking yada daughter Aeris is good daughter Aeris etc.

    CONFIDENTIAL!! Part 2

    Yada fucking yada daughter Aeris is good daughter Aeris etc when suddenly Shinra soldiers led by Professor Hojo storms inside and kidnaps the shit out of Aeris mom and Aeris. Aeris' father gets much sad and gets even mucher deader. Hojo laughs evilly because he is evil and commands evil shinra soldier to destroy camera but leave recording intact so as to preserve his evilness for the coming generations.

    [​IMG] What a dick. Alright, next video!
    [​IMG] That was the last one.
    [​IMG] Good. Then let's get the fuck out of here. We have a mountain to snowb.. ride down and I just simply cannot wait!

    BUT SUDDENLY!!

    [​IMG] Fuck!

    ON THE WAY TO THE LOCAL SNOWBOARDING MINIGAME!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh shit, it's Elena of the Turks!
    [​IMG] Elena of the Turks?
    [​IMG] Yeah, it's Elena of the Turks!
    [​IMG] Elena of the Turks? Really?
    [​IMG] Yes, like I said, it's Elena of the Turks!
    [​IMG] "#¤%&!!!
    [​IMG] Yeah...
    [​IMG] What a motherfuckingly swinehumping disappointment! I'm off to build a snowman.
    [​IMG] You get the fuck back here, Cid Highwind!
    [​IMG] But it's Elena of the Turks for christ's sake!
    [​IMG] Hey! Take me seriously!
    [​IMG] Whoa there, blondie! I never thought you'd "#¤%&!! ask!
    [​IMG] Hold it in, Cid. She didn't mean it like that.
    [​IMG] *sigh* They never "#¤%&! do...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Okay.
    [​IMG] You hurt Tseng!
    [​IMG] No, it wasn't us. It was Sephiroth.
    [​IMG] I don't believe you.
    [​IMG] Okay.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Okay.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    And away she goes.

    [​IMG] Okay.

    [​IMG]

    Alright, now finally with that annoying piece of shit out of the way, go grab the snowboard from the kid and the map from the climbing master fuckshit house (if you haven't already) as you won't be allowed to even go near the mountain without those items. Also take note that you cannot leave the town because of the wall of Shinra soldiers.

    Anyfuckingway, time to snowboard the fuck down a mountain!

    [​IMG]

    But first I am going to hit myself in the head with a hammer until I see the word tutorial flying around my head. Snowboarding a'la FF7: press up to gain speed, press left and right to move left and right, and press the Whatever button to do a useless jump. Have fun.

    [​IMG]

    Fuck you. And fuck this.

    [​IMG]

    Fucking Cloud on a fucking snowboard trying to look tough.

    HEY KIDS! IT'S THE SNOWBOARD MINIGAME!

    Alright, here's the deal: You can either put your enormous Battletoads hyper tunnel racing experience to some use and ride your Final Fantasy fagboard down the icy slopes and dodge strategically placed snowmen and trees left and right and collect balloons for useless prizes like you're supposed to do... or you can just do what I did and say "fuck this shit" and crash the whole fucking way down!

    For fun and giggles, let's put the screenshot hotkey to extreme use and see how many times I actually crash. I wish I could say that the following screenshots were all intentional funnies but I'm honestly the suckiest player ever at racing games. AND I'M FUCKING PROUD OF IT!! LET'S GO, BITCH!!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Yes, starring the tree from "straight fucking ahead of Crash #3". Goddamn...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Note to self: no matter how fast you get, NEVER try collecting the fucking balloons...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    The fucking trees are out to get me!

    [​IMG]

    FUCKING TREES!!!!

    [​IMG]

    FUCKING WALLS!!

    [​IMG]

    Those things are ALIVE!!

    [​IMG]

    Alright, fuck the trees, fuck the snow, fuck the walls, fuck the fucking balloons, fuck everything. These living snow chicken statues are now my greatest foes. FUCK THEM!!

    [​IMG]

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    [​IMG]

    Thank the holy lord Andhaira that my survival instincts finally kicked in!

    Don't you mean your 'homosexual fag coward instincts'?

    Get the fuck out of here, other me! I evaded that giant snow chicken simply because I am a human being keen on making a living - literally! Also I'm actually really good at avoiding shit.

    Whatever. Do we have any alcohol?

    Check the medicine cabinet.

    [​IMG]

    I totally no-clip through these boulders!

    Except for that one time when you--

    Drink your disinfectant and be quiet before I OH SHIT!!!

    [​IMG]

    Look what you made me do!!

    [​IMG]

    OH GOD WHEN WILL THIS SHIT---

    [​IMG]

    ...end?

    Holy shit...

    I made it! I actually made it!

    Good job, Cloud! Tifa! Cid! Excellent work! That's the kind of shit I want to see from you guys!

    [​IMG]

    Damn right you all are! Now let's brave the incredible cold and find a mountain to climb!

    [​IMG] WHAT?!! No fucking way, you fucking syphilis psycho-sphinx!!

    Excuse me?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I'm thirty years old! In this game that's like a hundred years old! I should stay at home and watch tv and beat my fucking wi-- I mean, my assistant!

    There'll be free women and loose beer at the top!

    [​IMG] Oh great! Well let's go then! I can't wait to run around in a freezingly freezing ice labyrinth in search for a icingly icy mountain to climb up just for a chance at women and alcohol!

    ...so is that a yes?

    [​IMG] That's a fucking no, you cumguzzling elephant-humping Harvest Moon cosplayer!

    Ouch. Alright, we'll take a break...

    [​IMG] RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MIDDLE OF THE MOST BRAIN TUMOR KILLING ICE STORM EVER!!!

    Exactly!

    To be continued!

    [​IMG] You dumb motherfucker.
     
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  3. poocolator Erudite

    poocolator
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    Location:
    The Order of Discalced Codexian Convulsionists
    Oh.... you know.... the usual.
     
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  4. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
    Joined:
    May 24, 2007
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    3,499
    Location:
    local brothel
    I always thought Fort Condor was the most boring part in the entire game. I guess that was because the mountain is so fucking boring that any memory of it was wiped from my mind completely.
     
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  5. Dire Roach Prophet

    Dire Roach
    Joined:
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    1,592
    Location:
    Machete-Knight Academy
    Mazes packed with random encounters, constant button mashing, randomly passing out = good times.
     
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  6. poocolator Erudite

    poocolator
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    A fucking snowboarding minigame? Seriously?
     
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  7. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    286
  8. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    286
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qnyxd7Vq0Q


    ....look for a comment made by "Diabaloth".....

    "this scene ripped my heart out i just imagined it as if losing MY gf so it helps players sorta understand what sorta pain is like to lose sum1 u love and care for which ff7 done better tahn any other game in history period it made you care about their actions, their lives, their losses, etc because it goes so deep into theyre character that u feel like they are real and u relate to them saddest scene ever they shouldve brought aerith bk in advent children"

    :(
     
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  9. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
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    10,789
    They've even made a separate snowboarding game and sold it to the fanboys.
     
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  10. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
    Joined:
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    34,585
    Location:
    Cell S-004
    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    :shock:
     
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  11. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    I feel the same way. I can relate to every one of these characters, except for Barret since he's black. They should have made him white in Advent Children.
     
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  12. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    286
    if you click on the link, you can see what happens if you suggest using a phoenix down on her.
     
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  13. Dire Roach Prophet

    Dire Roach
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    1,592
    Location:
    Machete-Knight Academy
     
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  14. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    "Well holy crap" is all I'm gonna say to that.
     
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  15. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
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    Narnia
    If I go there I guarantee someone will have to attack me to cure my sleep status.
     
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  16. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    286
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  17. poocolator Erudite

    poocolator
    Joined:
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    Location:
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    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    286
    In before Defjam101
     
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  19. Lim-Lim Liturgist

    Lim-Lim
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2008
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    325
    Location:
    Hive's marketplace
    Good luck in getting the Alexander materia. That one's a real bitch.
     
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  20. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Alright, let's go grab that Alexander summon materia and never return to this place again. It's gonna be awesome. Let's do it. With enthusiasm this time! Let's do it!! Yay!!

    Fuck.

    Alright, here's the plan: We're only going to pick up the Alex Sum Mat, nothing else. In order to get the Alex Sum Mat we're going to have to find a hotspring, touch it and navigate to a cave through a blisteringly freezingly cold icestorm that will spin the camera around like a record baby in an attempt to piss us off. When we get to the cave that holds the Alex Sum Mat, we're gonna gangrape a snow fairy and steal her circlet. Then we're gonna go all the way back to the blisteringly freezingly cold icestorm, scream as loud as we (read as "I") can when the camera starts moving and we accidently exits the screen to the wrong place instead of the right place where we want to go and when we go get to where we want to go, we (again, read as "I") are going to scream some more because in this game "where we want to go" is another fucking minigame. Let's fucking go.

    Thankfully, due to my careful planning, we landed at the most ideal place for hot Alex Sum Mat getting action. (When snowboarding, first take a right and then a left.)

    [​IMG]

    You said it, Cloud. From here we go east.

    [​IMG]

    From here we go west. (The upper exit.)

    [​IMG]

    From here we fight the urge to burn our genitals in scalding hot water. We go north.

    [​IMG]

    Say hello to the snow field. From here, we're going to have to go east. Watch the spinning action on the camera, though. It's not difficult. Use the markers if you have trouble.

    [​IMG]

    If all goes well, you have just ended up outside A CAVE!!

    ENTER IT!!

    [​IMG]

    Say hello to Snow, the High Snow Fairy of the most Snowacious Snow Kingdom in the entire Snow Dimension - currently in exile because she happened to be too fucking hot. She gets extremely pissed when you try to grope her with your hotspring-tempered hands.

    [​IMG]

    After the fight she'll go where snow fairies go when they are be beaten to a pulp. She drops the Alex Sum Mat as well as a Ice Crystal. Alright! Back to the snow field and head NORTH!

    If everything works out, and it should, you fucking fuckhead of a thousand fuckwits, you should end up outside a cabin which you should fucking enter, you headfuck of a fuckwitting househands. I fucking hate this shit.

    Inside the cabin, meet Holzoff the master mountain climber who has lived here alone for twenty years.

    [​IMG]

    He's so excited that someone finally has come to visit him that he immediately does everything to scare us away. For starters he wants us to listen to a story. Basically he tells us that there's a legend that something fell from the sky and created the mountain. Then he and his friend decided they should climb up and his friend commited suicide because a mountain goat raped him with an icecream cone or something, I dunno. It's times like these that I just repeatedly press the action button until something action-y happens.

    What it all boils down to, though, is this:

    [​IMG]

    So fuck that guy.

    At least he has the decency to let us rest for a while before he sends us packing up a mountain.

    Head outside and you'll notice that all your friends have gathered. Yay!

    [​IMG]

    Barret wants to tell you shit that nature is awesome and terrifying at the same time and that he'd like to save nature from itself and also that Shinra doesn't seem so bad in comparison OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. I honestly didn't give a fuck.

    FACT: When characters start talking, I black out. Violently.

    To be continued.


    IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF PLAY SEVEN LETS FANTASY FINAL WE CLIMB A FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T MISS THAT EXCITING CLIMBMOUNTAINING ACTION, FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    FACT: You can never find a cyanide capsule when you really need one.
     
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  21. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
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    10,789
    Andyman you are the martyr of codex, climb that mountain for your people!
     
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  22. GarfunkeL Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
    Joined:
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    15,463
    Location:
    Insert clever insult here
    This is gonna end badly. Like Martians enslaving Earth -badly. But keep going! Be Jeebus and sacrifice yourself for the Codex!
     
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  23. Dire Roach Prophet

    Dire Roach
    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2007
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    1,592
    Location:
    Machete-Knight Academy
    [​IMG]
    ITZ COMING!!!!
     
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  24. MasterSmithFandango Arcane

    MasterSmithFandango
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2008
    Messages:
    7,269
    Andyman is the messiah...

    I suspected it all along.
     
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  25. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2007
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    21,104
    Location:
    Urkanistan
    That's because Andyman plays shit games so we don't have to.
     
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