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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    UK
    OH GOD THE BLACK SCREENS THE WHITE WRITING MY FUCKING HEAD!

    Dammit Locue, I'm not sure if I love or hate you for posting the jpegs like that. Watching that scene while I actually played the game was fairly meh, but there's something indescribably wrong about seeing every single frame of dialogue listed one after the other like that.

    MOAR FINAL FANTASY.

    Actually I've got an idea. Whenever Tifa comes up, you should randomly interchange what she says with dialogue from other scenes in the game. It would be interesting to see if anyone notices. I'm starting to remember just how one-note she is.
     
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  2. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    Location:
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    I'm only doing that during the mindfuck sessions because I hate those with a fucking passion since playing the game way back when on my little TV screen in my little dark room and totally fucking my eyes up. I suppose I'm trying to pass it on to you worthless peons.

    But don't worry about your head, man. It'll all pass eventually and the other texty scenes will have the normal "character portrait: dialogue"-form. But all white text on black background-scenes will remain!! YAHARR!!

    'Cause I'm like that: horrible and very unlikable. :|

    I'll try to pump out more then. Expect another update either tonight or tomorrow, depending on how drunk I'll get.
     
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  3. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    UPDATE TIME!

    [​IMG] You okay? This is a church in the Sector 5 slums.

    [​IMG]

    Hey! It has a name! It's church! And the church didn't fall on top of you! It was Cloud! And he's a he! Damn these translators. Damn them to hell! Moving on...

    [​IMG] I came crashing down?

    I think we've already established that, Cloud.

    [​IMG] Well, I wanted to be sure.
    [​IMG] The roof and the flower bed must have broken your fall. You're lucky.
    [​IMG] Flower bed? Is this yours? Sorry about that.
    [​IMG] That's all right. The flowers here are quite resilient because this is a sacred place. They say you can't grow grass and flowers in Midgar. But for some reason, the flowers have no trouble blooming here. I love it here.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Cloud Strife doesn't give a fuck.

    another FACT: And if we're smart, neither do we.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Alright, now these options might look like they might matter but they actually don't. Feel free to treat her however you wish. I went with the nice guy route though because that's just the kind of guy I am; a nice guy.

    FACT: I didn't get properly laid until I was twenty.

    [​IMG] Oh! I'm so happy! Thanks for buying my flowers. Say, do you have any Materia?
    [​IMG] Oh I got a materia for you, baby...
    [​IMG] What?

    Cloud!

    [​IMG] Sorry...

    FACT: I kept telling my friends I was catholic.

    [​IMG] Yes, I have some materia. Nowadays you can find materia anywhere.

    FACT: They didn't buy it.

    [​IMG] But mine is special. It's good for absolutely nothing.
    [​IMG] Good for nothing? You probably just don't know how to use it.

    FACT: Cloud Strife - raging, kinda homosexual and misogynistic mercenary. Why collect them all when you can get them in one single attractive package? Order now and get a genuine mp3-file of Tifa saying "we need to talk, Cloud" and getting interupted over and over and over again!

    [​IMG] No, I do…it just doesn't do anything. I feel safe having it. It was my mother's… Say, I feel like talking. Do you feel up to it? After all, here we are meeting again, right?
    [​IMG] I don't mind.
    [​IMG] Wait here. I've got to check my flowers. It'll just be a minute.
    [​IMG] Hey! I thought we were going to talk? Jeez, women.

    I know the feeling, brother.

    [​IMG] Jesus, how long's she gonna mess with those damn flowers? It's a prerendered background. These flowers will probably survive time itself.

    Just go talk to her again.

    [​IMG] Alright.

    And so Cloud went and talked to Aeris again.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, meet Aeris. Together with Sephiroth she is probably the most popular character in all Final Fantasy-games combined. She has a large following of dumbfucks that rivals even our dumbfucks in terms of dumbfuckery. I would not be surprised to learn if there was a church somewhere devoted to her. Anyway,
    Show Spoiler
    eventually she dies
    . She's going to be our main healer and magic user. Yeah, I know - what on earth could have given that away? She has a melee attack but it sucks and she's so much more useful throwing fireballs at monsters instead so once you get her in your party, move her to the back if she's not already there.

    Anyway, I think I interupted their cute little conversation. Go on, kids.

    [​IMG] The name's Cloud. Me? I do a little bit of everything. I'm awesome like that.

    No, he's not. He's a fucking idiot.

    [​IMG] Oh…a jack of all trades.

    Yeah, that's another way of saying it.

    [​IMG] Yeah, I do whatever's needed.
    [​IMG] :lol:
    [​IMG] What's so funny? What are you laughing at?
    [​IMG] Sorry… I just…

    Oh no, a mysterious man has entered the church. Whatever will we do? Well, we first have to talk to him.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: By this point, I truly believed it wasn't the translator's fault that Aeris spoke worse english than Barret.

    The mystery man says nothing important but it helps the story... y'know... proceed and stuff. We're going to learn more about him in a few seconds. Just for now, though, keep in mind that he is the only thing that is cool in Final Fantasy VII and that you really have to have a fucked up cocaine-brain like me to believe that. Just keep it in mind, alright. Now let's run back to Aeris.

    FACT: Any FF7-player will get enormous leg muscles just by playing a few minutes of the game. Even if you walk all the time, everywhere. They're virtual leg muscles, yes, but enormous leg muscles nonetheless. Gotta count for something, right?

    [​IMG] Say, Cloud. Have you ever been a bodyguard? You DO do everything, right?
    [​IMG] Yeah, that's right.
    [​IMG] Then, get me out of here. Take me home.
    [​IMG] OK, I'll do it…but it'll cost you.
    [​IMG] Well then, let's see… How about if I go out with you once?

    Slut!

    Oh well, Cloud doesn't seem to mind. Well, with the promise of a wild and crazy date with Aeris, let's get into a little chat with that mysterious fellow.

    [​IMG]

    I always thought this view here was very cool, and I still do. It's a very macho shot, and you really don't get many of those in this game. It also has a western-feel to it that I like. A duel, y'know. Anyway, we get a bit more mindfuck right about...

    [​IMG]

    There.

    [​IMG] Oh yeah…I know you. That uniform… You're the Turks!

    Let's analyze Cloud Strife's mindfuck a little and this voice he's got stuck in the head. I'll put spoiler tags on it because yeah I suppose they can be spoilers to some of you. And even if you kind of already know, if you don't want to read it you don't have to. We're gonna cover it anyway at a later date when the time's more right.

    For now though, let's jump ahead of things:

    Show Spoiler
    Right about here you're able to piece together exactly what kind of spook Cloud's got stuck in his head. (Although it's going to be a while until we get an exact name to it.) Right now we can guess that it's someone who once was in the military - probably SOLDIER, because that were all cool kids end up, and that it's most likely someone Cloud knew. And I would also say that it's accurate to think that this guy is sharing his information with Cloud. You've noticed how Cloud is a little bit hesitant whenever his past in the military comes up. Well, that's because he's got a voice in his head messing stuff up for him. So the question here is: Clouds past, how much of it is Cloud's past and how much of it is this other dude's past? Mindfuck! (Nah, not really.) Anyway, all this and much more will be revealed... eventually.


    [​IMG] Hey sis, this one's a little weird.
    [​IMG] Weird doesn't even begin to describe him.
    [​IMG] Hey!
    [​IMG] Reno! Want him taken out?
    [​IMG] I haven't decided yet.

    Reno. Remember him. We'll be seeing him. And again, he's the only cool thing in Final Fantasy 7. And again, that's only if your brain is fucked up.

    [​IMG]

    And we run away. Boy, is that starting to feel old. Reno follows, although very slowly, and shows exactly what he thinks about the damn flowers.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, that's right. Reno have cereal in his boots. That's how cool he is.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah, all right. Back to work, back to work. Oh! And don't step on the flowers!

    [​IMG]

    Where do they get these morons?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Alright, apparently Aeris can't jump very well and so...

    [​IMG]

    FUCK.

    Yeah, she falls off. The good news is that she's alive. The bad news is that she's at the mercy of the Shinra soldiers and this guy:

    [​IMG]

    I'll say it again: Reno = severe case of coolness.

    Alright, guess we better save a damsel in distress. See those barrels up there?

    [​IMG]

    Exactly. Don't they look animated? Pushable? They sure do. Let's play a Donkey King-inspired minigame I like to call "Let's push barrels!" Someone should do a LP of that. Make it happen, someone.

    [​IMG]

    Alright, these choices actually matter. If you tell her to fight them, she likes you less. If you tell her to run and she has to fight, she likes you less. But we're an awesome bodyguard so we tell her to hold on a minute while we go look for a barrel to push down on those menacing soldiers you can't actually see threatening her right now.

    The correct order of barrels to push:

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Once you're done, Aeris finally gets her thumb out and you can escape the church. Reno gives up the search and teleports back to the headquarters. I guess. He's still cool! Anyway, Cloud and Aeris enjoy a brief conversation-like fifteen minutes or so-on the church roof. You'd think they'd move their asses but no.

    [​IMG]

    And what the fuck is this? All of a fucking sudden we're in the land of micro machines! Jesus. What went wrong during the development of this game? Does anyone actually think this looks good? Even back then this looked like shit. That's one thing they did good with VIII, no more cute art bullshit just cute emo-story! Realistic stuff! Appealing, damn it. Not beautiful, necessarily, because cutting yourself ain't beautiful, but it's definitely appealing.

    [​IMG] Cloud, what's that crazy man talking about?
    [​IMG] Something about little cars and Linkin Park or something.
    [​IMG] Oh. So these people...
    [​IMG] It's not the first time they've been after you?
    [​IMG] …no.
    [​IMG] They're the Turks.
    [​IMG] Hmmm…
    [​IMG] The Turks are an organization in Shinra. They scout for possible candidates for SOLDIER.
    [​IMG] This violently? I thought they were kidnapping someone.
    [​IMG] They're also involved in a lot of dirty stuff on the side. Spying, murder…you know.

    The usual stuff.

    [​IMG] They look like it.

    The sure do!

    [​IMG] But, why're they after you? There must be a reason, right?
    [​IMG] No, not really. I think they believe I have what it takes to be in SOLDIER!
    [​IMG] Maybe you do. You want to join?

    FACT: Cloud Strife - one of the most tactless recruiting officers ever.

    Way to go, Cloud. The poor girl almost gets raped by the evil organisation and you ask her if she wants to join them?! What's wrong with you.

    [​IMG] ...well, maybe they'll stop trying to rape her if she do..?

    Right.

    [​IMG] I don't know… But I don't want to get caught by THOSE people!
    [​IMG] Then let's go!

    Alright, let's get a move on!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Cloud Strife the mercenary have no patience for slowmoving targets he's supposedly protecting.

    [​IMG] Puff…wheeze… Slow……down… Don't leave me…
    [​IMG] Funny… I thought you were cut out to be in SOLDIER?
    [​IMG] Oh! You're terrible! Hey Cloud. Were you…ever in SOLDIER?
    [​IMG] I used to be. How did you guess?
    [​IMG] Your eyes. They have a strange glow…
    [​IMG] That's the sign of those who have been infused with Mako… A mark of SOLDIER. But, how did you know about that?
    [​IMG] Oh, nothing.
    [​IMG] Nothing…?
    [​IMG] Right, nothing! Come on, let's go! Bodyguard!

    FACT: Aeris Gainsborough - girl with a secret past no. 3591.

    I know you'd think it'd be higher, but it's actually only 3591. I know that kind of stuff 'cause I'm a professional. It took a lot of checking but I managed. 'Cause I'm a goddamn fucking professional.

    Really, it'd be nice to meet a girl--heck, any character--in a game that doesn't have a secret and spooky past. I'd like a game where you're like a normal guy who like saves the world by accident or something. Y'know. You're like a guy that goes out to find a spare part or something and he's like whoa there's mutants and shit walking around. I gotta do something 'bout that, man. I'd really like a game like that. I can vaguely remember one game that was like that in 1997 and 98, but you can't expect me to remember everything. But man, I played that game a lot. I actually ended up putting this on the shelves for a while because of it. I wonder how many managed to do that? Raise your hand, people. Not both of 'em. That'd be weird.

    Anyway, moving on we end up on the street just a couple of inches from the church. Aeris wants us to get to her home, so let's get to her home. Maybe we can get some food or something out of her freezer. Like a hamster. Hamsters are funny, man.

    [​IMG]

    Damn them translators to hell! Damn the translator working on Aeris' text to hell!

    Anyway, this is the second town in the game. There's some stuff to do here but it ain't much. First, let's visit the guy in the tube or whatever its called. Apparently he are sick.

    [​IMG]

    What does this mean? Well, we'll find out later.

    The other two things to do here is to look at a poster on the second floor of the rightmost house.

    [​IMG]

    This is the first Turtles Paradise poster you'll run into. It's part of an extremely boring and unrewarding quest we're going to find out about much later on in the game, but for the sake of 100% let's look at it. When you've looked at it, talk to the little kid sleeping in his bed.

    [​IMG]

    And people wonder how you can't fuck that just because you're a preacher or a pop star! Look at that sweet young ass. You telling me that ain't fuckable? I think you're full of shit.

    Anyway, he mentioned something about a secret compartment. Let's take a look.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Holy shit it's a treasure!!! Alright, if you choose to leave it alone you'll get a Turbo Ether much later on but shit if you take it YOU GOT FIVE GIL!! Make you choice.

    Alright, before we go visit Aeris' mom we buy some new armor. We already have a kick-ass titan bangle for Cloud but Aeris could use a mythril bangle and so could whatever second character we're gonna pick up a bit later.

    Let's meet Aeris' mom. Her house is to the right.

    [​IMG]

    Now, doesn't this place look awesome? In the garden you can find a cover materia and an ether. Equip that cover materia on Cloud since he's the freaking bodyguard and all... Meh.

    [​IMG] I'm, home mom. This is Cloud. My bodyguard.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] No, I just like to pick up random guys falling into the church and have them save me from evil people.
    [​IMG] We're gonna go out on a date!
    [​IMG] Are you all right!? You're not hurt, are you!?
    [​IMG] I'm all right. I had Cloud with me.
    [​IMG] Thank you, Cloud.
    [​IMG] So what are you going to do now?
    [​IMG] Is Sector 7 far from here? I want to go to Tifa's bar.
    [​IMG] Is Tifa……a girl?
    [​IMG] Yeah.
    [​IMG] A girl…friend?
    [​IMG] Yeah, that's right.
    [​IMG] Oh, how nice.

    Yes, it really is nice. :cool:

    [​IMG] Well, that's nice.

    Yeah, as I said, it's really nice. :cool:

    Obviously, telling Aeris that Tifa is our special lady friend lowers our chances with the lovely flower girl.

    [​IMG] Let's see, Sector 7? I'll show you the way.
    [​IMG] You gotta be kidding. Why do you want to put yourself in danger again?
    [​IMG] I'm used to it.
    [​IMG] Used to it!? Well, I don't know…getting help from a girl…

    Damn it, Cloud. Shut the fuck up already. She probably knows more than you do about these parts.

    [​IMG] A girl!! What do you mean by that!? You expect me to just sit by and listen, after hearing you say something like that!? Mom! I'm taking Cloud to Sector 7. I'll be back in a while.

    Hell yeah, Aeris! You go girl!

    [​IMG] But dear…I give up. You never listen to me once you've made up your mind. But if you must go, why don't you go tomorrow? It's getting late now.
    [​IMG] Yeah, you're right, mom.

    What? What the fuck happened to that rebellious streak? I thought you didn't listen to your mom when you..? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

    [​IMG] Go make the beds, sweetie.
    [​IMG] Alright.

    THERE IS SOMETHING DISTURBINGLY WRONG WITH THIS GAME!

    Oh well, so Aeris goes up to do girly stuff while we're alone with her disturbingly not-hot mother. Let's chat her up a bit. Maybe she has a fantastic personality that enables us to look beyond her scrawny appearance.

    [​IMG] Ex-SOLDIER, ma'am. First class. :cool:

    [​IMG]

    Huh? Something's up...

    [​IMG] Can you do me a favour?
    [​IMG] Sure thing, ma'am.
    [​IMG] Can you leave here tonight?
    [​IMG] Well, ma'am, I was kind of hoping for a good night's sleep and some food...
    [​IMG] Do you know what I can do with a rolling pin, boy?
    [​IMG] ... but I'm not really sleepy or hungry. Sure thing, ma'am.

    IN THE NEXT UPDATE: We meet Cloud's mom and get our asses to the first kinda-big city in the game. See ya then.
     
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  4. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    You couldn't hold it , could you Locue? You just had to go and spill it all out about the mindfucks, you naughty boy...
     
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  5. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
    Joined:
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    3,499
    Location:
    local brothel
    Great LP thread, Locue.

    One question, though. Why the fuck does the church have sunlight coming through the windows? Didn't Barret say the slums have some sort of big metal plate over them that blocks out the sky?

    *EDIT*
    [​IMG]
    This guy looks like a Ghoul from Fallout.
     
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  6. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    rofl cuz it's another sector? another BS from Squaresoft.
     
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  7. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT!!! :evil:

    Only because (I think) it's very easy to put two and two together at this stage. And I didn't spill it all, there's a lot more to spill.
    Show Spoiler
    Why hello there, Zack!
    :wink:

    Fat Dragon: Well, you see it's clearly a holy place! It's Gods and flowers and shit that radiates and Oh don't believe that, do you? Well, you shouldn't. However... if you go to the right of the church you're at the exit gates of Midgar and there's light there so I guess the light could have been reflected into the church by a series of mirrors and Oh don't believe that, either? Well, you shouldn't. Because RK47 is right - Square blew it. As you play their games you'll find that there are major design flaws that anyone with half a brain and at least six eyes, but two should be enough if not, could see through with ease.

    Thank you all for enjoying the LP so far. :)
     
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  8. mahdi Liturgist

    mahdi
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    Location:
    USA, suck it Polska!
    *Spoiler*


    I always thought the voice was Cloud's subconscious. The real Cloud trying to help Cloud/Zack get things straight. Explain please.


    *END Spoiler*
     
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  9. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I'm not feeling comfortable spoiling that kind of stuff this early in the thread. I'll address it when the time is right and that's gonna be a while. I'll be happy to send a PM if you do want my theory.
     
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  10. mahdi Liturgist

    mahdi
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    I guess I can wait. Unless you have nothing better to do.
     
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  11. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Show Spoiler
    Well, let me just say that I didn't specify exactly who the voice was. That's all. Keep reading and we'll eventually get to it.
     
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  12. ecliptic Liturgist

    ecliptic
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    915
    Good show! This lets my vicariously avoid the pain associated with having to replay the game due to some grim morbid curiosity.

    The funny thing is, I really did enjoy it when I played through it right after it came out, but since then I've played so many RPGs with battle systems that are actually fun, I just can't do it. I tried re-doing this one a few years ago and couldn't get past the rollercoaster tracks. Just too many freakin' brainless random battles.
     
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  13. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Haha! You son of a bitch. :)

    It's actually the battles that keeps me going. Sure they suck but they sure beat whatever happens whenever the characters starts talking.
     
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  14. WalterKinde Scholar

    WalterKinde
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    I could only semi stand the game once you got out of midgar city and even then i still quit at the gold saucer, never got beyond that part of the game.
     
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  15. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    yeah i hate claustrophobic towns in JRPGs, it just exacerbates the railroading to the point where my mind kept telling me 'must be close to bossfights, else why am I being railroaded so much?! Keep HP Maxed. Watch out Luke!'
     
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  16. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
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    I've forgotten how much crap you have to endure , before you leave the city... This guy did it a lot better :
    A Blurred Line


    The good thing with ePSXe , is that if you're bored of random encounters you can enter a code and get rid of them for as long as you like, but I'll agree that the battles are strangely addictive in this game.
     
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  17. Radisshu Prophet

    Radisshu
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    My favourite part of the codex are the LP threads, oddly. And this is my favourite LP. SO moar plz.
     
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  18. Julio Scholar

    Julio
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    LP threads are part of the cancer killing the Codex.
     
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  19. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
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    UK
    MOAR.

    Yeah, I actually find random battles quite therapeutic, even when they're as simple as FFVII's. God knows why. I would sit there playing SMT:DDS and get awfully fidgety whenever the cutscenes started. I just wanted to get back to levelling my DA3M0NZ.

    It's odd. The grinding annoys the hell out of me in MMO land, but in classic dungeon crawlers, I could do it for hours.
     
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  20. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I'm part of a killin' and it's awesome.
     
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  21. Jasede Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron Sad Loser

    Jasede
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    ozma fat
     
    • Brofist Brofist x 1
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  22. mjorkerina Scholar

    mjorkerina
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    Well in MMO land there are ton of retards around you and a lot of MMO require you to join a party if you want to do efficient grinding. At least in a solo game you do whatever the fuck you want to in your way.
     
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  23. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Before we launch another exciting update, let's get something out of the way first: this is the token drunk chapter of this LP. I think all LPs need a token drunk chapter, just to spice things up. Like enchiladas at the Oscars, you know? I wrote it up and edited it doing all kinds of shit and this is how it turned out.

    FACT: I write a lot more when I'm drunk but I also write a lot of shit when I'm drunk. It's up to you if you notice at all. :)

    Alright? Let's go. Update in onetwothreefourfivesixgo!

    ____________
    Welcome back.

    When we last left off we had just succeeded in escorting a young lady by the name of Aeris, or Aerith if you're a dirty jap, back to her house for the exact price of a date. If I knew how the currency flowed way when I was younger, I'd probably would have had a easier time. You see, searching the streets for pretty girls to save from evil people I was a fool to always charge them sexual favours and money for my valiant rescues when I just as easily could have gotten a good chance at a long, rich relationship-whatsyagonnacallit out of it, y'know? Well, you live and you learn. Ain't a fact 'cause it ain't a fact. Damn evil people always beat me up and ran off with the girls because that's what evil people do and that's why we're roleplaying as this cool weathery mercenary dude here.

    This is Final Fantasy VII. I'm your handyman. LET'S RAWK!!

    Anyway, we are promptly told by Aeris' mom that we're gonna have to leave first thing the sun goes down so her sexy rebellious daughter won't follow us into the danger zone.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, that's kind of my feelings too cause Aeris is a valuable party member to have around at this point. Not only is she a meatshield - she's a healing meatshield. She's awesome, man. I'll be sad to not have her with me.

    So Cloud figures he can sleep a little bit before he moves on. Bad decision, really, because now we have one more mindfuck session to get through. Adjust your eyes properly.

    [​IMG]

    By request of that motherfucker afewhours I won't be posting every shot of Clouds subconscious dealings with
    Show Spoiler
    Satan.
    We're userfriendly. This is a userfriendly LP-thread and we value your input. The reason why I write "we" when I'm talking about me is because I drink when I write and I see four arms with hands hammering on the laptop and if I got four hands then that must mean there's two of me 'cause I don't believe in mutants unless they're the type of guy you see in bars that'll armwrestle you in the hopes that they'll get to sodomize your ass. Anyway, here we go.

    [​IMG] I haven't slept in a bed like this for a long time...
    [​IMG] Huh?
    [​IMG] Ever since that time...

    Let's go back in time! It's another flashback.

    [​IMG]

    This is Cloud's mom. She does mom stuff and says mom stuff but the most important thing she's saying to us in these scenes is that we should totally bang Aeris 'cause she's one year older and could take care of us and help protect us from the big temptations in the big cities and stuff. Basically, Cloud's mom wants him to find another mom who he can actually fuck without people looking down on him. Basically, Cloud's mom indirectly wishes to have relations with him.

    FACT: Most moms are nothing like that and depending on how you look at it, you should probably be thankful. In fact, I want you all to go call your mom up - either on telephone or stairs, y'know - and hug that nice woman and thank her for bringing you up straight or gay and nice and shit like that. Do it, man. Except that motherfucker Julio. Motherless little shit. Fucking cunt. Evil panda-associating faery, little fuck. I love you Julio! Hug you momma, man! Hug you momma! Gotta hug you momma. An' Julio hugs his momma. Ten minutes later I'm like yeah, I ain't never speaking to Julio again. Cuz he hugged the wrong momma, man. Damn you, man. lol

    [​IMG]

    No, mom! Please don't leave me!

    Alright - man, I use "alright" way too much - this is a tricky part, cuz you gotta walk past Aeris' room without her hearing you! You solve this by utilizing the same strategy like when you used to sneak out of the house through the front door cuz you didn't have a window. Don't press the run button and move as far away from her room as possible and you'll be alright.

    Once you're downstairs you can run all you want cuz Aeris is used to burglars and stuff coming in through her front door all the time. Run outta town and...

    Whoa!

    [​IMG]

    Damn, that girl is quick! She must have a window in her room...

    [​IMG] How could I ask you to go along when I knew it would be dangerous?
    [​IMG] Are you done? You have to go through the slums in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's 7th Heaven. I'll take you there. Come on!

    Alright, so we end up having her with us anyway. Cool. Alright, so we walk on a straight and narrow path and eventually come out here with more goddamn dialogue.

    [​IMG] The gate to Sector 7 is here.
    [​IMG] Alright, I guess this is it then. Are you gonna be alright going home on your own?

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, obviously taking her along makes her like you better and the other option makes her like you less. Don't really matter though because this is illusion of choice! You think you're gonna get consequences, right? But then you pick the asshole option and you're tricked because she stays with you anyway! That's how it is, y'know.

    [​IMG] Can we take a break? I can't believe it's still here. Cloud, over here!

    So they're sitting down on the slide and...

    [​IMG]

    It's a playground!

    [​IMG] Rank?
    [​IMG] You know, in SOLDIER.

    [​IMG]

    Wait for it...

    [​IMG]

    It's a Madonna video!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: You'll find that Squaresoft games are filled with repeats.

    [​IMG] Just the same as him.
    [​IMG] Who?
    [​IMG] My first boyfriend.
    [​IMG] You were serious?
    [​IMG] No, but I liked him for a while.
    [​IMG] I probably knew him. What was his name?
    [​IMG] It doesn't really matter.

    FACT: You'll find that Squaresoft games are filled with stuff that doesn't really matter.

    Anyway, what happens next is...

    [​IMG]

    INVASION!

    [​IMG]

    Huh?

    [​IMG]

    Oh snap! Looks like we're on a new rescue mission! Come on, healer girl!


    In the next update: I'm sorry, sir, you seem to suffer from a severe case of crossdressing!
     
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  24. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2007
    Messages:
    562
    Location:
    UK
    NOOOOO. Now I feel like a miserable spoilsport.

    Yus. Given the choice between hawt sex and a thousand pages of tear-drenched angst, I'd take the angst any day.

    Huh? Don't look at me like that. My libido died years ago, okay?

    Starch me up, Scotty!

    *ahem*

    OH GOD I CANT WAIT GLHULGHUALGHLUAGHLUAGHULAGH IM SERIOUS GHALUGHALUAGLHUAGH

    Unlike Locue, I can't claim drunkeness as a defence, but I have a massive headache right now, will that do?

    PS. Locue, I trust you'll make sure Cloud gets the date with that Don guy. You haven't let me down yet.
     
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  25. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    2,810
    Location:
    San Isidro, Argentina
    Seconded.
     
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