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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. DriacKin Arbiter

    DriacKin
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    Andyman, if you're gonna keep doing updates (which you should), you should remove the 'ABANDONED' tag in the thread title.
     
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  2. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
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    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    Fixed.
     
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  3. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    There's always a chance it'll happen.

    The first update is the only serious one, about half into the second update I pretty much just gave up. You'll notice a huge improvement in the decline with every update.

    Moar like 59 pages of people yelling "moar" and posting pictures of horses.
     
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  4. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    (Two updates in less than a month? Goddamn, am I on a roll or what?)


    PREVIOUSLY, on Final Fantasy 7:

    [​IMG]


    AND NOW, on Final Fantasy 7:

    [​IMG]

    It's Weapon.

    [​IMG]There's been so many attacks lately. Can we handle it?
    [​IMG] I believe so. Your orders?
    [​IMG] No need to ask.
    [​IMG] Aye aye, Cap'n!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Give it a facial it'll never forget!

    [​IMG]

    Right, so for everyone wondering about this huge fucking cannon. Well, its name is "Sister Ray" (yes, like the Velvet Underground song) and it was constructed for no goddamn reason some time before the events of Crisis Core, the prequel to FF7. It is powered entirely by mako (Huge Materia to be exact). It is said that one blast alone can destroy entire cities and that the blast can reach well beyond the ocean and to the other continents. But enough about myth, let's talk reality. Sister Ray is an absolute piece of shit of a weapon that will never serve any purpose other than failing really goddamn hard. Don't believe me? Let's continue!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Take that, water!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    The suspense is killing me.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    NO, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU JUST SHOT THE GODDAMN WATER!

    [​IMG]

    WHAT?! THE BLAST DIDN'T EVEN HIT ANYTHING! HOLY SHIT, THERE WASN'T EVEN ANYTHING FOR IT TO HIT, GODDAMMIT!!

    [​IMG]

    Attack of the obnoxious blue boxes!

    [​IMG] How about the cannon?
    [​IMG] It'll take time to reload.
    [​IMG] Then use regular firepower in the meantime!

    Sigh.

    [​IMG]

    SIGH.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]


    You heard the lady. Gas! How will Tifa get out of this one? Oh, and how about that actioneous cutscene, huh? Whoa! I bet you wish I had captured the video and put it up on youtube or something. Well, too bad and fuck you. See you in the next update when we escape from Shinra! Again.

    Fuck yeah!
     
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  5. Chefe Erudite

    Chefe
    Joined:
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    4,731
    Same. I thought you would be better at pointing out sarcasm, Andy.

    And I want to see you play out the Tifa/key minigame in excruciating detail.

    Also it is interesting that Cloud and co. can take down a Weapon with a sword, shuriken, spear, gunarm, comb, fists, etc. after a few rounds, but Shinra can't with all the artillery fire in the world. Does this mean that Cloud and co. are more powerful than all of the nations in the world combined?
     
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  6. DriacKin Arbiter

    DriacKin
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    Hey, when you're on a roll, you shouldn't stop. Make it 3 updates in a month!!
     
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  7. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    I remember the time when this thread was updated 2 times a week. Sure is some decline around here.
     
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  8. Brother None inXile Entertainment Developer

    Brother None
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  9. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I thought that was what I did.

    No.

    Cloud and the gang are the chosen ones. They can kill a god with an umbrella if they wanted to.

    Kinda close.
     
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  10. SCO Arcane In My Safe Space

    SCO
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    Shadorwun: Hong Kong
    Actually, very far away.

    Are you going to do the side-quests? Like get Vincent, the various map related hidden spots, etc?
     
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  11. Chefe Erudite

    Chefe
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    :(
     
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  12. Fat Dragon Arbiter

    Fat Dragon
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    local brothel
    [​IMG]
    No wonder it's such a huge piece of shit, that thing is rusty as fuck. You'd think a military would want to keep its prototype weapons in top shape. Then again it's a military being ran by a teenager, a fat horsefucker, and a slut so what else could you expect?
     
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  13. GarfunkeL Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
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    GO GO ANDYMAN GO! THE MAGICAL UNICORN PRINCESS IS WAITING TO REWARD YOU FOR YOUR TENACITY AND HEROICS! YOU CAN DO IT!

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. Chefe Erudite

    Chefe
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    I wasn't always a teenager. It used to be run by a fat guy who wanted to find HEVAN!.
     
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  15. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    HDKJGHDKHGKSHKJSH, on Final Fantasy 7!

    [​IMG]


    WUFUIASGHUFHAKHFJAKHFJAKHF, on Final Fantasy 7!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Quickly, Barret! Use your iongatlinglaserrocketmachinegun to blast that door open and save Tifa!
    [​IMG] Muthafucka can't, muthafucka.
    [​IMG] Oh, alright then. HEY! TIFA! CHANNEL GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD!!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    But when B n' D exits the room...

    [​IMG]

    Scarlet locks the door!!

    [​IMG]

    You dumb motherfucker!

    [​IMG] Alright, let's just get the fuck outta here.
    [​IMG] Muthafucka what about Tifa muthafucka?
    [​IMG] I'm sure we'll be able to save her if we steal that airship and use it to get as far as possible away from here.
    [​IMG] Muthafucka that totally makes sense muthafucka! Muthafucka alright, let's do it muthafucka!

    You dumb fuckermother!

    [​IMG]

    BLAH BLAH BLAH Yuffie joins our party.

    [​IMG]

    As opposed to where exactly? Wasn't this exactly where we were headed like a fucking minute ago? Are you telling me now you suddenly don't have a fucking plan?

    I WANT TO GO HOME.

    [​IMG]

    Alright, so while these three idiots prepare to make their final stand...

    [​IMG]

    ... Tifa is thrown into an aerobics-style minigame. When your only hope is a dimwitted marshmallow toy and a stupid Mr T impersonator... yeah, fuck that rescue attempt and bring on the minigame.

    [​IMG]

    So this is one of the most enjoyable minigames ever, in any game ever. It's easy, it's short, it makes... sense. I like it. Here we go.

    [​IMG]

    Wasn't that amazing?

    Now let's just turn off the gas...

    [​IMG]

    ... and open that damn door.

    [​IMG]

    You goddamn weaklings. What in the name of fuck are you eating? First Barret and now you? I'll bet anything that Yuffie could open that door with a poke from her pinky fing--SUDDENLY!!

    [​IMG]

    It's Weapon!

    [​IMG]

    He's using his laser breath to microwave open the roof to the torture chamber! How convenient! Thanks, Weapon!

    [​IMG]

    What a nice Weapon!

    [​IMG]

    Huh?

    [​IMG]

    HOLY SHIT THEY JUST SHOT WEAPON IN THE FACE!!

    [​IMG]

    That was pretty cool, actually. I guess I lied. Sister Ray is great when the target is like A METER AWAY!

    Anyway, thanks to Weapon's bad breath, Tifa can climb the fuck out and escape the fuck out and totally get the fuck out.

    [​IMG]

    Expertly followed by Shinra-soldiers of course.

    [​IMG]

    The best way to capture a fugitive is to wait patiently for them to come back.

    Anyway, speaking about fugitives...

    [​IMG]

    I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!
    I DON'T CARE!

    [​IMG]

    Meh.

    So they're actually standing on the cannon now. Make what you want about that piece of information. Here things quickly evolve into a slapping contest.

    [​IMG]

    This is another minigame I absolutely adore. Let's do it.

    [​IMG]

    Wasn't that amazing?

    Anyway, we have an airship to board.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Look, everyone! It's Barret!

    [​IMG]

    He throws out a rope for Tifa to catch. She... does, and climbs up. The movie ends with a quick tour around the cannon, which I didn't bother screenshooting.

    [​IMG]

    That's what she said, et cetera. Anyway, we have a fucking airship now so that's pretty cool. It comes loaded with freshly defected crew members from Shinra's operation, a place to hang our chocobos and a pretty pointless meeting room (or "operation room" I guess..).

    [​IMG]

    In the next update we do some stuff.
     
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  16. Gragt Arcane Patron

    Gragt
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    Serpent in the Staglands Divinity: Original Sin
    You had to update right after I did. You fucking cocksucker!
     
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  17. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    I didn't even know you had a thread to update. Link plz?
     
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  18. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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  19. Radisshu Prophet

    Radisshu
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    For some reason I found the weapon-getting-shot-in-the-face-bit really funny. I remember when I was like 12 and saw that scene for the first time, then it just seemed epic.
     
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  20. Brother None inXile Entertainment Developer

    Brother None
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    It is pretty awesome. That's a damned good cutscene, really, even if the ending in-yo-face thing is slightly lulwutz. Kinda anti-climactic.
     
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  21. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Last time on Final Fantasy 7 we got equipped with airship! Now join me as we talk about stuff that have happened.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] ...great.
    [​IMG] Huh, ain't you excited?!
    [​IMG] Cid...
    [​IMG] Oh right. We lost that stupid kid.
    [​IMG] Well, technically we lost a stupid kid clone of a stupid samurai faggot alien thing. Or something.
    [​IMG] That's as far as we know at least...
    [​IMG] Yeah, yeah, we'll sum things up again when we know more about this shit.
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] ...um, Tifa? Do you... Do you think we're strong enough without Cloud?
    [​IMG] Well, Meteor is coming and Weapon is on the rampage and Shinra is a bunch of stupid dicks... I don't know.
    [​IMG] Get ahold of yourself, Tifa! Let's think about this!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Barret + Trains = True!

    [​IMG] If only Cloud was here, everything would be fine. He would... stand that cocky little way he did, and tell us what to do.
    [​IMG] Not on my "#¤%&! ship he would! I'd javelin him so hard in the ass he'd start to complain about gingivitis!
    [​IMG] ..He'd say, "Everything's under control, Tifa."
    [​IMG] ... SHIIIII--- When did you become such a wimp, Tifa?!
    [​IMG] I'm sorry. I'm kind of shocked myself. I'm so depressed.

    [​IMG]

    THE MORE YOU KNOW: Here, Barret does his Tarzan routine and storms off. It's effectively hidden by Nanaki's blue box.

    [​IMG] I know. That's why I have to see him again.
    [​IMG] Are you two continuing some other conversation? That doesn't make sense.
    [​IMG] No, the translation just sucks. We're talking about how the real Cloud should be out there somewhere, or something, and that we should go look for him. The horrible translation doesn't really make it clear.
    [​IMG] So we're gonna embark on a wild goose chase for some stupid kid?
    [​IMG] Just say what's on your mind, Cid.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] But I gotta admit he was a strange dude. I mean, just when you thought he was cool, he'd go off and do some damn fool thing. And when you thought he was smart, he'd show how stupid he was! Everything about him from his movements to his speech were kinda odd. Knowing what I do now, I can see why he was like that.
    [​IMG] Yeah...
    [​IMG] Well, as long as you stay alive you might just see him again some day, so cheer up.

    Cid Highwind. Father figure, plot analysis expert and all around good guy. It's like looking in a fucking mirror.

    [​IMG] .....I'll be able to see him someday?
    [​IMG] That's right. Well, if we can find out where he is, the Highwind can get us there in no time!
    [​IMG] Hmm, maybe...
    [​IMG] Huh?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Buried in the depths of the underground...
    [​IMG] Deep within the earth... Are you talking about the Lifestream?
    [​IMG] No, I'm talking about hell.
    [​IMG] Oh.
    [​IMG] Of course I'm talking about the Lifestream! Um, sometimes it gushes out to the surface from cracks in the ocean floor. I once heard that such a place exists.
    [​IMG] WELL ISN'T THAT MUTHAFUCKIN' CONVENIENT!?
    [​IMG] Shut up, Barret. Go back to your corner and sulk.
    [​IMG] Muthafucka fantasy bullshit!
    [​IMG] So if we find that place...
    [​IMG] We might find Cloud.
    [​IMG] Hmm... Interesting.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We did just fine without him in the beginning. Right?
    [​IMG] ...
    [​IMG] Shit, Tifa. What happened to that tough girl I used to know? Where'd she go?
    [​IMG] Well, I sure as hell don't know! Let's just take our newly acquired airship for a spin and see if we can find her.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Hey, pilot guy, I'd like to...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh what the fuck now?
    [​IMG] Sorry, Tifa, but I gotta show this moron how to fly the ship properly. You look tired. Why don't you go to your room and rest up? Come back in a while and I'll have him prepped up for your every airship flying desire.
    [​IMG] Thanks, dad.
    [​IMG] Don't mention it.. wait what?!

    And so Tifa went to the Operation Room, saved her game and picked up her party members Barret and Nanaki while Captain Dad Cid remained on the bridge and grinded his level 3 pilot character to a more competent level 3!

    Hang on for a thrilling update I have named "I fly around and do stuff!" It should magically appear in the thread tomorrow. It'll be awesome.
     
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  22. RK47 collides like two planets pulled by gravity Patron

    RK47
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    Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
    Man, when I first had Cloud disappeared plot point, I thought there was an option to just proceed to the end game without him, ala Chrono Trigger. Turns out there isn't. You gotta grab Blondie to progress.
     
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  23. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
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  24. DriacKin Arbiter

    DriacKin
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    Updates seem to be coming much more frequently these last couple of weeks. I like it. :)
     
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  25. Elzair Cipher

    Elzair
    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
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    WHAT

    THE

    FUCK!!!!11!
     
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